Birth Story: Samuel Ethan

I know many people are always interested in the details of birth. So, in this blog post I hope to meet that curiosity. There is a little to the back story though of why this birth was SO meaningful and how God had answered many prayers through it.

BACK STORY

The birth of my first was anything but ideal. After 51+ hours of labor, my desire for a natural birth ended in a c-section. I struggled for 22-hours with no pain meds (plus pitocin), and only dilated to 4-5 cm. After laboring for another 22+ hours with an epidural, I dilated to 5-6cm. By that point, it was time to have a c-section. Don't get me wrong, I was THRILLED to hold my little girl, but the experience was long, painful, and nothing like I had planned or imagined. I was left feeling a little disappointed and slightly "cheated" from the experience of giving birth naturally.

Early in this pregnancy, I woke up from my night's rest and had received a vision/dream from the Lord that 1) I was going to have a baby boy and 2) I was going to have a natural childbirth. (God really knows me well and knows how much of a processor I am!). The chances of a natural birth after a c-section are not very high, especially after the labor I had with Abe. I knew that God had great plans to bring Samuel into this world but I must say that I was very skeptical that this vision would come true. I had a little more confidence when I was 19-weeks pregnant and found out we were having a boy, but I was still unsure if I could indeed have a natural delivery. 

BIRTH OF SAMUEL

Here is where the story of Samuel's arrival begins...

I started having Braxton Hicks contractions at 31 weeks. At week 37, I had contractions 4-6 minutes apart and thought my water may have broken...false alarm. BOO-HOO! We were ready to meet Samuel! Week 38 came and went with many contractions...some strong while others I barely noticed.

At my 39-week appointment on Wednesday, December 16, I was 3.5-4cm dilated/70% effaced and I had my membranes stripped (we decided to do this as a natural way to support my desire for a VBAC-- vaginal birth after Cesarean). The thought was membrane stripping would put me into labor within a few days by releasing hormones...if it would work at all. 

Saturday, December 19 & Sunday, December 20, I thought FOR SURE I was going to have my baby! Contractions were close together and strong but after about a 1/2 day on both days they would stop. I was highly, highly disappointed. I was getting very discouraged from being in the pain of contractions but nothing noticeable happening. We even added in spicy food, pineapple, raspberry leaf tea and walking to help the process along. I was either ready to be pregnant forever OR to get that baby out! I was certainly in pre-labor for at least four days leading to the actual labor & delivery of Samuel.

Monday, December 21, out of the blue, my doctor called me in the morning just to check in on me. I happened to be in the middle of a contraction when she called. Out of curiosity, she wanted me to come in around noon to get checked out, especially with the contractions I was having the last few days. We got Gram-Gram to watch Abe as we headed to our appointment. After getting checked out, I was a solid 4cm/75% effaced. With my due date approaching and a better chance at a VBAC, we

decided to have my membranes stripped again. This doctor was pretty aggressive with it. To say it was uncomfortable is certainly an understatement!! OUCH! Much different than my appointment the Wednesday prior. Again, we had high hopes that this would put me into labor quickly. The day moved on with little to light contractions. Again, I was highly discouraged and asked a few close friends to pray. Since I was going stir crazy, we decided to go to the mall just to walk around. I desperately needed to get out of the house and get my mind off having this baby. We let Abe walk the whole mall and even play in the play area (something she never gets to do). The day came and went...no baby. 

Tuesday, December 22 (one-day before the due date). I stated this day feeling almost human...normal. :) I had little to no contractions throughout the day and had honestly lost hope that I would actually have this baby on his due date.  Nothing extraordinary happened on this day....until 6:34pm. We were all downstairs as a family. Abe was playing in her playhouse, the husband was taking a shower and (un)apparently I went into labor. Abe was in the process of cleaning up her toys

when out of nowhere I was struck to the ground with a painful contraction. Out of habit, Tyler said I should look at the clock and begin to time them...for fun. 6:34pm. In less than four minutes, I was back down on the floor having another very painful contraction (see 2nd picture on the right). It was time to get a little more serious about timing these things. As we moved upstairs, I found myself leaning against our bookcase, pounding with my fist rhythmically to redirect the pain I was having. Within about 30 minutes, contractions were 3:30-4:00 minutes apart and getting stronger. Yup! Time to call in the grandparents to watch Abe while we went to the hospital. I had no signs of my bags of water breaking but since contractions were close together and painful and I was hoping for a VBAC, our doctor recommended we go to the hospital when all of these signs presented themselves, especially since I was considered to be a high risk delivery. Off we went.

My contractions continued the whole ride to the hospital. To control the pain, I found myself pounding the passenger side window with my fist with every contraction (apparently this is what I do when I have babies...I used this same "method" with Abe during the first part of my labor with her). I bet those next to us at EACH stoplight (YES--we hit EVERY red light going down 6th Ave!!) thought I was crazy but honestly, I didn't care. By 8:30pm I was in triage and getting examined to see if I was "really" in labor. To me, it was pretty  obvious that I was. By this time, contractions were happening every 2-3:30 minutes. When I was checked, I was already at 6cm! I was amazing! This was as far dilated as I ever got with my first labor so I was pretty excited! Shortly after, we were taken to our labor and deliver suite and getting set-up to have this baby!

*Times are now approximate*

After laboring for a few hours, by 11pm I was at 9cm. My water still had not broken so we decided to help the process move along by breaking my water. After this point, the baby's heart rate began to dip from the mid-130's/140's to 60 with every contraction! This would only happen with each contraction and then bounce back up but clearly, this was not going to be something that could be sustained for a long period of time. So, the doctor decided to re-fill my bag of water to take off some of the pressure that was on baby's umbilical cord. This worked like magic! His heart rate began to steady with each contraction and the doctor felt comfortable progressing with the birth. 

At this point, the contractions became almost unbearable (to state it mildly). There was still a long-ish road ahead and I was tiring out quickly. The decision was made to order an epidural. I was totally

okay with that!! As the team set-up for the epidural and I was rolled over to my right side, I told the doctor that I had the urge to push. Knowing I wanted a natural, unmedicated birth she held the epidural team back, asked me to roll over onto my back and push. I had three strong pushed in me...and so at 12:15am (ON MY DUE DATE, Wednesday, December 23!!) I began the process of pushing out my son...without an epidural or pain medications! The dream/vision God had given me was coming true!

I was surprised at the natural instincts that took over...I was afraid I wouldn't know when to start pushing but after 3 1/2 hours of pushing, my son was born at 3:51am! Throughout the pushing process, my wonderful husband was at the foot of the bed learning how to deliver our baby. The doctor coached him through every step in the process and at many time during the L&D he was running the whole show with our doctor "assisting"... (although she was ultimately in control, she allowed Tyler to play a HUGE role in the processes). As I was pushing, Tyler was not only coaching me on my breathing and counting as I pushed but learning how to safely deliver our son. He was my hero on this day! It was incredible that he got to play such an active role in the process, experiencing it with me not just next to me holding a leg. It was an incredibly powerful bonding time for us as a couple as he "yelled" at me, told me when to push, and ensured that all of my hopes for a natural deliver would occur (like having a mirror to see baby coming out and delaying umbilical cord clamping).

As our son came out, Tyler was able to place him directly on my chest...and there baby stayed for 2 hours while I was getting stitched. I tore pretty badly because of the way he came out. It took a little over 2 hours to repair all of the damage that occurred. Without realizing until the repairs were almost over, the doctor discovered an active bleed that required more repairs. It hurt SO bad to get things stitched up, especially since my body processes the numbing medication quickly. I had to keep getting shots "down there" to numb things up for the stitching. OUCH! But holding baby boy was a great distraction for me and made the process a lot better. Once the stitching was done, Tyler took our sweet son and watched him get weighed, measured, and get his first footprints. It was such a blessing and a wonderful bonding time to hold my son for 2 whole hours!!! Certainly moments I will never forget.

Since repairs took the normal "two-hours in the recovery room" time frame, they allowed me to stay an extra two hours; however, this turned into an additional two hours on top of that to total 6 hours in the recovery room. I lost a lot of blood post-delivery. I was really close to needed a blood transfusion. I realized the effects of this blood loss after my stitching was done and they asked me to walk to the bathroom about an hour after the stitching was complete. With help, I made it to the bathroom no problem but within a minute I felt like I was going to pass out. I quickly sat back down on the shower chair. After taking a moment to compose myself, I tried to walk the 6 steps to the wheelchair. I collapsed in Tyler's arms and he placed me in the wheelchair and rolled me over to the bed...this is why I received the extra 2-hours in the recovery room. They fed me juice and crackers and tried to sit me up a few times, but I was clearly not in an condition to be moved upstairs to the postpartum floor. They also would not allow me out of bed to use the bathroom again so I had the great pleasure, for the first time ever, to use a bedpan. Fun times. On the bright side, I was able to nurse Samuel for the first time and he latched like a champ!!

By 11:30am, I was settled in upstairs on the postpartum floor, Rainier Room 417. This was the first

time I was able to eat since my measly 1/2 bowl of LIFE cereal at 5:30pm the day I went into labor (Dec. 22). It was also the first time I was really able to rest. The nursing staff was very considerate of when they came in and how often so that we could rest. Around 3:30pm, we had our first visitors- Grandma Shell, Auntie TT and of course....BIG SISTER!!! We had a great time introducing the siblings to each other. A little after 4:30pm, Grandpa showed up after work to meet our little Samuel. He loved snuggling and holding him so much! It was great to have family come and celebrate with us!

CHRISTMAS EVE!! Thursday, December 24 at 1am, little Samuel would not stop crying. We called the nurse in to see if they had pacifiers on hand because all baby boy wanted to do was keep sucking (we later found out that my milk had not come in and he was actually just hungry...but that is a
different story). Not having pacifiers, the nurse offered to take Samuel for about an hour so that we could get some sleep; he also needed his 24-hour check-up/testing so they did this during that time. Since Samuel was having some trouble swallowing/gagging one of us needed to be awake with him to clear is mouth/throat when needed but we both just reached to point of pure exhaustion. I felt like a horrible mom trusting some strange nurse with my baby (especially since Tyler would not be there with him), but we really did need to take care of ourselves so that we could better care for him. It was a tough/not tough decision to make. So, we both got about an hours worth of sleep.

HAPPY ONE-DAY BIRTHDAY! 

We celebrated this milestone by singing Samuel Happy Birthday; and he exchanged the gesture by peeing on Dad for the first time...one of many times I am sure. :)

 

We survived through the first night as a family, sleep deprived and everything (YEA!); and at 7am the pediatrician came in to check-up on our sweet bundle. Besides not pooping without assistance, everything checked out great. She wanted to see us back in clinic on Saturday to check his outputs since he was having some difficulties with those but overall, she was really happy about the progress he made in his first 24-hours of life.

I decided to brave the shower shortly after our pediatrician left. I was a little afraid about 1) fainting in the shower and 2) pain from my stitches. But it was the BEST shower I have EVER taken!! I never once thought I was going to faint and the hand-held shower sprayer made it so nice and easy to shower and take care of my "special" areas. It was a little difficult to get dressed afterwards because I was so exhausted from the effort it took to take my shower but it was certainly worth it!

 

My doctor came by at 11am on Christmas Eve to check-up on me. Overall, I was doing well. Samuel bruised my tailbone and I was having some soreness on the lower right side of my back. I was SUPER swollen "down there" and at times it was painful to readjust in bed, get up or sit down. I was sore all over, especially from pushing for 3 1/2 hours. My lightheadedness had gone away for the most part and I was able to get up and walk around without assistance. We were certainly ready to go home!

After our doctor left, we started to pack up and get ready for discharge. After my medications were ordered, baby boy was cleared, and Tyler brought the car seat up, we were discharged!! At 1pm on Christmas Eve, we were going home!! Once baby was loaded and the car was packed, we made our way to Arby's and then home. We slept for about an hour before Gram-Gram brought Abe back to our house. We had a quiet Christmas Eve, enjoying French Dip sandwiches and sitting around the table as a family of four! God had answered so many prayers with the whole labor and delivery. He truly is an amazing God and is certainly worthy of all our praise! 

Welcome to the world Baby Samuel!!

 

Christmas: Advent Calendar CHANGE

I recently saw this article on our local news webpage. I would like to suggest a change to Day 20.

First, please read this news article: Christmas cards for a young arson survivor


After reading this article, I am sure you can guess the change I am suggesting! :) Let us help this young girl achieve her dream! I encourage you to send her a Christmas Card. I know I am.

Happy Giving-
~B~

Christmas: Kindness begets kindness

Hello Blog Readers!

I hope you are enjoying the challenge of giving this time of year as you work your way through the Advent Giving Calendar.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I am 38-weeks (and 2-days!) pregnant. The last few days I have had little to no energy so I had to switch up a few of the activities to accommodate my weary body.  Today I was feeling well enough to leave the house with my 16-month old in tow to accomplish Day 8: giving the gift of the gospel.

I had to run a few errands, including a stop at the Dollar Store. In want of a Starbucks coffee, I swung by Safeway next door to get my decaf-coffee-fix. They have a little "cafe" seating area right inside. I thought that would be a perfect public space to leave the Bible, with a little note, since a diverse group of people often visit this "cafe."

After I had grabbed my drink, placed the Bible and began exiting the store, the couple behind me had about 8 or so drinks they had ordered. To be honest, my first thought was, "I am glad I was in front of them in line." But quickly my heart was convicted at this judgement, especially when I saw what they did next.  As we all left through the automatic doors, they offered a hot chocolate to the Salvation Army volunteer who was faithfully at his post ringing his bell. WOW! Want an incredible thing to witness. The giver asked if the man was able to consume dairy (how thoughtful!!) and after he said yes, the giver handed him the hot beverage. It was a simple gesture, but the look on the volunteer's face was one of deep gratitude. How a simple gift can have a big impact.

Have you witnessed any random acts of kindness? If so, how has your heart changed because of them? As you have been giving, what are some lessons you have been learning?

Happy Giving!!
~B~

Christmas: Advent Calendar Reflection #1

So, have you decided to join in on the Advent fun of blessing others and proclaiming Jesus?

I must say the last four days have really begun to transform my thinking about giving. I have found myself giving others extra grace and being more willing to put myself aside to allow others to go before me...whether that is stopping at a crosswalk while I am driving or making room for someone in line at the store when the line is SUPER long.

I have been learning patience and also been able to see opportunities I would have missed had I not been so intentional.

It is interesting to see how the focus on giving, even just after four days, has transformed my thinking. I feel honor to be able to bless others with simple gifts and words of encouragement. I find myself praying more and seeking to serve God in everyday, ordinary activities. (Both of which I should be doing anyway!! Yes, I feel the sense of conviction rising up in my spirit.)

To be honest, I was a little hesitant at first to start this challenge, being 37 weeks pregnant and all, but it really has helped me take the focus off of me and turn my focus to loving Jesus in a different way. It has changed the way I speak to my 15-month old daughter about giving and receiving as well...teaching her about the importance of sharing what we have with her friends and considering their needs before her own. What wonderful gifts.

What are some things you have been learning as you dive into celebrating the coming of Jesus through giving?

Christmas: Advent Calendar

As we enter further still into Advent (which means "coming" in Latin), let us be intentional in remembering not only the birth of Jesus but the expectation of the future coming of the Lord as described in scripture. Reflecting on all the Lord has done & will do, I have created an advent calendar of random acts of kindness to bless others during this season. It is so easy to focus on buying presents, upcoming parties, making everything "perfect" for Christmas, etc. and forget about the true meaning of Christmas. This year I desire to be intentional. If you would like to join me, let me know. I would be more than joyful to share my calendar with you. :) Happy Advent!

I plan on leaving a little note with each gift saying something like, "In the Spirit of Christmas & the celebration of Jesus' birth, enjoy this gift."

Day 1: Go out of my way (& against my already planned activities) to help. The gift of time.

Day 2: In a drive-thru, purchase a gift card and leave it for the person behind me.

Day 3: Leave $5 at the gas pump to bless someone with their next fill-up.

Day 4: Purchase coloring books & crayons from the Dollar Store to leave in the hospital waiting room.

Day 5: Package diapers & wipes to leave on a changing pad in the restroom. 

Day 6: Tape microwave popcorn & $2 onto the nearest RedBox. 

Day 7: Write an encouraging note to a neighbor & drop it by with a treat. 

Day 8: Give the gift of the Gospel. Mark the "Christmas Story" in a new Bible & leave it in a public place.

Day 9: Invite a friend over for a meal, requiring their presence only.

Day 10: Send/take flowers to someone who should be recognized. 

Day 11: Give a small gift & note to the mailman for working so hard during this holiday season.

Day 12: Reflect on someone influential in my life. Write a letter to them expressing my gratitude. 

Day 13: Do a craft with my daughter with the intention of blessing a neighbor or friend.

Day 14: Call someone I haven't spoken with in a while and encourage them with prayer, scripture & conversation.

Day 15: Donate food to our church food bank. 

Day 16: Enjoy a "tech free" day to be present with those I am with. (With the exception of announcing the birth of our baby if he comes on this day :)).

Day 17: Read the Christmas Story from the Bible & text a friend about what stood out to me. Pray for that friend too! 

Day 18: Leave an extra tip for someone at a restaurant, coffeehouse, etc.

Day 19: Do something special that I know my husband will appreciate – food something probably :)

Day 20: Send a Christmas card to a nursing home with a family picture to encourage someone who may not have family. 

Day 21: Give the crosswalk lady a hot chocolate.

Day 22: Say something kind to the waitress or cashier to encourage them for working so hard. Do this everywhere I go. 

Day 23: (My due date!!) Bring chocolates to the nurses at the hospital (if I'm in labor)

Day 24: Journal/blog about what Jesus has taught me through this Advent Season & post it on social media.

Day 25: Be intentional about conversations with family while keeping Jesus at the center of Christmas celebrations.

PRINTABLE/DOWNLOADABLE CALENDAR: 2015 Advent Calendar_Random Acts

Product Testing: Pampers

Recently our family have the opportunity to trial Pampers cruisers. We usually use a generic brand that tends to sag but seems to work OK. With Pampers cruisers there is a noticeable difference that they weren't sagging even after a few hours of usage. At one point we even let it go a little while longer without a blowout or leakage. They seem like good diapers but I don't know if are going to switch from our storebrand due to cost. Overall great diaper if it fits in your budget.

#sagtoswag

PACI-FAIL! What now?

It was decided last night...today would be the day we start weaning my daughter from her pacifier (which she only uses during sleeping times)

BUT....

I woke up this morning with a swollen throat, hardly able to talk. I quickly realized that mom's get no sick days. What would this day hold?

I crept downstairs to steal a shower before daughter woke up...success! At least I am starting the day clean! (A huge accomplishments on most days). As I dressed, daughter stirred in her crib, quickly arising to tell me it was breakfast time.

"I got this," I said to myself as I sung the song "Rise and shine and give God the glory, glory."

As I prepared breakfast for my little, she was sitting content in her highchair sipping on some milk. Perfect time to put the dishes away (without a little monkey climbing into the dishwasher to "help"). She happily munched on her fruits, cereal and yogurt while I organized all of the clean dishes left from yesterdays brunch.

I opened up the cabinet that holds the plates and bowls. Busily, I started putting dishes in the proper place when.....two heavy ceramic coffee mugs come (literally) crashing on my head, bouncing off the left side before shattering all over the counter (and my daughter's prepared breakfast) all while slicing my pinkie finger.

Strike two for the day.

"When is nap time?" I whispered under my breath,

After a quick errand out and a now fussy daughter, naptime was upon us...the first day of pacifier weaning. Since she was the perfect amount of tiredness (not too sleepy but sleepy enough) I started the naptime routine...minus the pacifier. At first she did okay, fussing slightly as I placed her on the cream crib sheet. I quietly left the room and went downstairs to frost some sugar cookies made the previous night.

Out of nowhere bursts of crying. Our first "I don't have my paci" fit. I let it go on for about 15 minutes before going in there. She was so worked up! Red face, sweaty hair. So, I decided to cut a small hole in one of her pacifiers to see if that would offer any sort of relief...NONE. Screaming continued. I picked her up, rocked her for a moment and in a moment of weakness (and desperation because now it had been about 25-30 minutes since this ordeal started) I gave her her beloved glow-in-the-dark paci. PACI-FAIL!

So, the question that I leave you all is....what now?

Time is Running Out....

We have all heard the many sayings about time and how it slips by so fast, or how you just never know the days remaining, or the saying about hurrying up just to wait.

They are all true.

My little "Monkey-Moo" just turned one a few weeks ago. Oh, what a joyous and fun celebration reflecting back on this one year that God has blessed us with! In this year, He has taught us the most importance lessons...on love, hope, patience, compassion, sacrifice, among a few. He has taught us to rest in Him on the most challenging of days while finding something to rejoice in every single day. Like the many mini milestones: saying a new word, clapping hands, picking up food with two fingers...all of which seem insignificant but the overall picture is one of growth and learning. We are blessed.

With just 19 weeks before Baby Boy, Little Foot, arrives, I feel as if time is running out to spend special time with my oldest, my sweet daughter. I find myself hugging her a little tighter and a little longer. Smelling her sweet baby smell. Longing to spend hours playing with blocks on the floor or cuddling to read her favorite books. I savor our walks and "talks" a little more, appreciating her love for learning, exploring and saying "hi" to everyone (and everything). I try to capture these moment on camera so I can remember the smallest of details of what life was like with just her...the child that made me a mother.

...but time is running out.

Before I know, we will be ushering in the newest member of our family. I fear that my time will be so divided caring for a newborn and recovering for delivery that these sweetest of moments with my daughter will become few and far between (at least for a little while).  The tender moments of rocking her, snuggling her before bed, swaying her in my arms...my arms will no longer be reserved just for her. How will my heart contain love for my Jesus, husband, first born, second born, family and friends?!? My heart aches over the loss of my signaler "mommy-focus" yet at the same time my heart aches to swaddle my baby boy.

Life will change as I know it.

Being a parent is the greatest, most amazing, challenging, rewarding, scary, fulfilling "job" I have every had. It has changed me in ways that I cannot even describe. At first, I didn't even want to be a mother, but thank goodness Jesus changed my heart. I never thought I wanted two children, again, Jesus changed my heart. I trust that my Savior has the best in mind for His Glory and my good. 

Although time might be running out in this particular season, I am praying that God will reveal to me the next "truths" and life lessons He desires me to learn as we prepare for Little Foot. In the meantime, I am going to snuggle my little girl like there is no tomorrow! I am going to rock her a little longer, play with her a little harder, and enjoy every second that God allows me to be her mommy.

Man! Am I blessed!

Object lesson: Hunger

**WRITTEN A FEW MONTHS AGO**

Last night a beautiful but skinny black and white cat approached our front door.

It had no home and it was hungry.

Due to the kindness of my husband's heart, he brought out the hard cat food and laid some before the scrawny little creature. The cat ate up quickly but we could tell that it was scared that the food might either be taken away or that the cat might be harmed. Sad.

I thought my husband's gesture was very nice but didn't think another thing about it.

This morning when I was walking out the front door to meet a friend for coffee, the same cat was pacing at our front door steps. I called to my husband to bring the hard food so that I could give this weak, starving cat it's first meal of the day.

I coaxed the cat onto our front steps and showed it the food that I had placed down. I sat there and gently stroking the cat's fur wondering how this cat got in the situation. Moments later I walked off to the car. I did not want to be late for my coffee date. I had to make a quick stop at the grocery store before meeting my friend.

As I drove into the store I saw a homeless man holding a sign on my left hand side. To be honest I cast judgment and thought, "I have no need to bring this man any food." I ran into the store to get a few items that I needed and then I approached my car, hoping I would not be late to meet my friend.

As I walked toward my car I saw the woman who was ahead of me in line. She had purchased a random selection of items in the store; as I stood waiting my turn impatiently I wondered what she was doing with such an eclectic assortment of items. The same woman took that bag of groceries and brought it to the man holding the sign. This brought instant conviction.

God really convicted me through these two situations: the one with our new cat friend and the homeless man holding the sign.

If I can show so much compassion for a stray cat, why was I unable to show compassion towards this homeless man sitting on the side of the road in the parking lot?

I'm not sure I know the answer yet but through God's help in prayer I pray that God will instill in me a compassionate heart. A heart that is willing to trust Him and to serve those He puts on my heart to serve. I am thankful for that woman and her generosity. Without knowing it, God used her to teach me a very valuable lesson!

Falling Short

True confessions: There are many things in my life in which I fall short.

• I sometimes forget to return phone calls or text messages.
• I "sent in" the mortgage payment only to find it back in my mailbox a week later...I somehow self-addressed it to myself. Oops for the late submission of my payment!
• Often produce goes bad in our fridge.
• I do a poor job of planning out meals.
• I put sleeping over housework, including the piles of dishes in the sink and the laundry the needs to get folded. ( I {heart} naptime!!).
• For the first time, I left the house to run errands...AND THE HOUSE WAS DIRTY! Toys, folded laundry (plus the laundry my 1-year old "helped" fold), unsorted mail, kitchen counters not wiped down...all littered my house.
• Projects left half done.
• Half-read books collecting dust on the coffeetable in hopes that one day I will actually get around to reading them (and returning them to my friends who so graciously lent them to me). 
• A "to-do" list that is half complete.

Despite these things (and the many other areas in my life in which I fall short), I pray that I never fall short in the most important pursuits in my life (and in this order, too!!): 

• Being a faithful follower of Jesus.
• Being a loyal, trustworthy, reliable wife to the most amazing husband.
• Being a loving, compassionate, consistent mother.
• Being an involved, caring, good listening friend.

In our media-crazed world, it is so easy to compare, daydream, overstretch ourselves to things we are not called to even be doing. Why is this? To save face? Make ourselves feel more significant? To have "purpose?"

I often times think, "Oh, I'm good! I got this." But then I am reminded that in scripture not even Jesus allowed people to call Him "good." It is only through His relationship with God that He credited Himself as good. So how arrogant am I to say that I have this crazy life under control...without even consulting the One who made life! 

There are many stresses and struggles I face in my everyday, yet those days in which I put Jesus first, life somehow seems to be a little easier. The tasks seem to go a little smoother. My attitude reflects more patience and love towards challenges (include my daughter who sometimes resists during mealtime and decides it is "fun" to throw food and her sippy cup!!). More strength to endure is produced.

Being faithful to Jesus FIRST helps everything else in my life fall into place. I want to serve my husband more, love on my daughter more, engage in life with friends. It is amazing how much can change by simply re-ordering priorities.

This is not an easy struggle to win, however. For example, I set out to have quiet time this morning and my daughter decided to wake up an hour earlier than she normally does...so much for a hot cup of coffee and a relaxing devotional. But in that moment, I had to make a choice. I allowed my sweet little human to play in her crib, fuss a little, and talk with herself to sneak just 15-minutes with Jesus. Wow! Those 15-minutes were powerful! God honored my sacrifice to put Him first and taught me a valuable lesson about comparison and the destruction that it can bring.

So, friends, I know life is hard. Life is busy. And that we all fall short....it is okay to confess it! But confession without change is like a promise unfilled...empty. Jesus wants to radically change your life through a loving relationship with Him! To do that, we must all shift our priorities and spend time with the One who made life. Trust me, it is worth it! Allow Jesus to fill in all of those places you fall short. Allow Jesus to give you rest from the stresses and burdens of this life. HE CAN DO IT! And He will, if we simply re-order our priorities.

Go in prayer and peace, knowing that Jesus stands by you and desires you to serve Him. When you do, life challenges won't magically disappear but they will be much easier to handle.

Maranatha. 

Unborn: The fight for my child

Just started bleeding yesterday pretty heavily. At our appointment yesterday morning, we couldn't hear the heartbeat but saw baby move on the ultrasound & saw the heartbeat. A formal ultrasound was ordered & the only appointment was at Good Sam in Puyallup. The ultrasound confirmed  complete placenta previa which is what I had with Annabelle, but this time it is way more severe. So, I have to be on pelvic rest which includes limited to no lifting (esp. with Annabelle), only very very light walking, no exercise/yoga/etc., resting as much as I can (not bed rest, but lots of rest). I'm waiting to hear back about our trip to Maui. With complete Previa it is 99.9% likely I will have a c-section & a higher risk of having to deliver at 37-38 weeks or earlier depends on how things develop & if the baby makes it. Talked to my doctor again today & she said I have a blood clot/bleeding by/near the placenta. She is still concerned. The prayer is that it would absorb & not cause bleeding, pulling away of the placenta or worst case, hemorrhaging. If I was further along I would be in the hospital, full bed rest & steroids to help the baby's lungs develop for an early c-section. At this point, it is 100% up to the Lord what happens. I'm fighting for our sweet Little Foot by praying, resting & not lifting/house work. Will you please join me in this battle? I know victory belongs to Jesus & I just claim LIFE over our sweet 12-week Little Foot. Honestly, it could go either way. I'm praying I get to snuggle my second BORN child.

This too shall pass...all to quickly

A thousand prayer were answered when I held me sweet little girl in my arms for the very first time. My heart opened up in ways I never imagined possible. My whole life changed and continues to change as she grows into a beautiful little girl.

Although she is only 7 months old, there were many days and nights and moments I surely took for granted. Those moments of cuddling in the morning before the sleep was out of her eyes. The tender, intimacy of being able to feed her at my breast. The joy of seeing many of her "firsts" during the first few months of her time here on earth. Watching her play with her first tooth by moving her tongue back and forth over it.

What a privilege and honor to be part of all these moments.

There were other moments not so amazing: crying throughout the night, being spit-up on constantly during the day, not having a clue as to what to do with this little human. Is she getting enough sleep? Is she eating enough? Is her schedule working? When do I feed her "real" food? And on and on.

At times I wished those hard, complicated moments away, desiring peace, calmness and a knowledge of how to be a better mom to this little girl I was entrusted with. I would ask for prayer (especially for those sleepless nights). I would complain. I sighed. I secretly wished to escape.

Many who have gone before me assured me that "This too shall pass."

I hung onto those words like a life-raft. I desperately needed relief...I waited for it. Looked for it. Hoped it would come so that I could move on to the next thing...the next BETTER thing. "This too shall pass."

I woke up this morning at 1 AM to the cries of my daughter to realize that is has been weeks since this has happened. Then is dawned on me as I laid there waiting for my daughter to soother herself back to sleep.....all those moments I wanted to pass have passed...and now they are gone. Forever. Regret slowly washed over me and I prayed to the Lord for forgiveness. Why did I wish those complicated moments away? Why was I so eager to move on?

My daughter will never go through those exact struggles again. She will never need me in the exact same way she did when she was an infant. Those moments I wished would pass, passed all to quickly. This reminded me of how fragile life is; the short amount of time we have here on earth; the importance of the good and difficult times; the need to live in the moment rather than wishing it away.

I pray you will be encouraged to live life in the moments that are give because, as I have learned, these moments too shall pass...and all too quickly.

Sneaking Time: Date Night (or day)

Intentionality. 

 One word I need to put back into my marriage.

It is so easy to focus on all the things left to be done, the exhaustion, and the lack of alone time (where NO ONE needs ANYTHING from me). Not to say that I have the "hang" of our new life as parents, but after 6-months of having our little one here on this earth, I now need to turn some focus back on my marriage and not put so much thought into all of the un-done things or things that in the life-long scheme of life don't really matter.

One way to do this is to be more intention and creative about my time together with my husband. 

Recently, I have discovered we have "default" dates like sitting in front of the TV to watch a movie. Or (with our crazy schedules) staring at each other blankly from across the kitchen realizing that it is actually Friday, date night, and we have nothing planned.

Don't get me wrong, at home dinnering and movie-ing surely have there place (and are easy to do with a baby after an exhausting week). I also realize that every date does not need to be epicly, creative. But I do desire to spark different conversation, deeper laughter, and greater joy than we already have. 

So, when I couldn't sleep last night, I made a list of some date ideas I want to try and/or repeat. Some are easily done with baby (or at home after baby is asleep). Some would be nice if we had a babysitter. Others require a babysitter. I have omitted a few because the hubs does read my blog and I don't want to spoil the surprise. :)

I also want to hear from you!! So please comment on any creative, fun date ideas you have (with or without baby)!! Enjoy!

• Pierce College Planetarium (I didn't even know this existed!!)
• Brown's Point Lighthouse
• TCC's Art Gallery
• Basketball at the local school
• Indoor Camping
• YouTube: Paint or Dance lessons
• Rock Climbing!!
• Farmer's Market
• Plan a color themed meal together
• Bocce Ball
• Eat in front of the fire
• Kite & Picnic Date (pick-up lunch on the way to the park)
• And a million other ideas off this website: www.soundsfunmom.com

 

What are your date ideas?!?!

Expectation: Improvisation

There is little, if anything, in this life that I can control...no matter how hard I try.

I try to control my schedule, food in-take, finances, job status, lifestyle, relationship, household cleaning schedule. (I am sure you can think of a more comprehensive list, but you get the idea.) In some areas and on some days, I feel like I have mastered each one, mounting to a 'perfect' day.

I have a tendency to set-up these controls, fully attached with high expectations, in my mind (usually not communicating them with those around me). I get so determined to see these expectations through (even at a high price--of time, relationship, etc.) but in reality one of those great life lessons I am learning right now is the power and freedom of improvisation.

Unspoken expectations always equals bad news.

unspoken expectations + controlling behavior = bad news

Those around me suffer; and I drive myself crazy with anxiety. What really gets accomplished is regret, stress, and forsaking the 'imperfect' but beautiful moments life gives us when things DON'T go the way we planned them.

I am slowly learning the art of letting go 

and embracing the art of improvisation.

I had a moment to practice this yesterday, on Valentine's day.


About a week ago I injured my right knee. BOO! Okay, who really plans for their whole life to be derailed by such a seemingly minor thing, right? (Yet one more thing I cannot control!). I have been hobbling around, wearing an ace bandage while icing and elevating when I can. Talk about a major inconvienance! Also, I am unable to participate in my weekly exercise class which I have come to dearly love even after just a few weeks of attending. How in the WORLD will I meet my weight goal by next weekend if I am unable to exercise?!?! (I'm participating in a 6-week challenge and we are in our last week).

Improvisation....

My daughter just had her 6-month vaccines and flu shot. This has caused a slight temperature, runny nose and overall "ickiness." She is grumpy, crabby, and sleepy. On top of that with the introduction of solid foods last month, her body is still trying to figure out how to process food. Last month we had wicked blow outs. This month.....um, let's get say there is not really any action going on. Of course, this happens on the same days as her shots. Another BOO! She has been up crying in pain and I feel like a horrible mother (not the truth, I know, but I still feel like a horrible mother...if you are a mom, I know you can relate). So, how do I survive this mentally while comforting my hurt baby....?

Improvisation....

Valentines Day!! Since our dating years, the hubs and I have always bypassed the chocolates, flowers, and fancy dinners and opt for snowshoeing instead. This year was no different. We planned to go with two other couples who also have babies. We were SO excited to share our tradition with them and enjoy God's beautiful creation. As you might guess, this did not happen. :( Baby was up almost ALL night in pain (and the elevation would not help her poo-poo problems); and I have been limping around like crazy (needless to say, snowshoeing would not be the best for my healing process). We were all going to meet at our house for our epic V-Day adventure but the morning of we had to make other plans...

Improvisation....

Our friends were SUPER gracious and understanding. One couple decided to create their own adventure by finding a local hike and the other couple came over for an impromptu V-Day breakfast (bacon, eggs, Swedish pancakes, hash-browns and mimosas!!).  I was able to throw together a beautifully decorated table while my love went to the store for ingredients. It was a great morning of fellowship and love between friends.

Our friends made us feel so loved and realized the power and freedom and love that can come from improvisation.

In the Bible, Jesus calls us to love one another, to carry each others burdens, to consider others before yourself. On this day, our friends not only displayed God's love toward us but made us feel cared for, heard, recognized, and understood. No one got mad, upset or angry. No one bad mouthed us for having to change plans. No one made a big deal about it....out of love and compassion we all improvised and were able to enjoy 'imperfect' but beautiful moments that life gave us when things DON'T go the way we have planned them. This was the BEST Valentine's gift!

A powerful message and one that I will probably need to keep learning as I move through this earthly life.

So, what have I learned? Here are a some thoughts that are worth pondering:

• Have a plan but be flexible.
• Remember: expectation vs. reality
• The world DOES NOT revolve around me and my unspoken expectations
• Improvisation can lead the imperfect but beautiful life moments
• Learn to consider others above myself, despite my expectations
• Love, grace and good communication are keys to maintaining a great relationship.

I pray you are blessed by these words and find ways to bring JOY into those improvised moments in your life...remembering they are not inconveniences, just ways to enact creativity!

Guilty Confessions of a Coffee Drinker & How It Relates to Jesus

It is Tuesday morning. So far the week is off to a great start. Baby is starting to sleep a little better which means I am sleeping a little better. My paid work is caught up. And my husband and I had a great weekend together before he started his crazy weekly schedule.

"I want to celebrate!"  I thought, "...Starbucks on the way to Tuesday morning bible study. Perfect!"

I was pumped!!!

Grabbing baby (and all associated gear) plus bible study materials, I headed out the door a few minutes early to make this celebratory stop.

Side Note: If you have been reading my previous blogs, you might remember the long blonde hair in my Starbucks drink last week? Upon leaving the drive-thru I called the store to inform them of my blonde-hair discovery. They said the next drink was on them.

I made my way to the same Starbucks and got in the drive-thru line...(the correct way! It only took me 3 years to figure out the unspoken rule of the 'correct' entrance point). So, on this particular Tuesday, on top of all of the other good things happening, I was going to get a free Starbucks drink (which I was thankful for because I had no money left on my Starbucks card!).

I decide to splurge a little and get a latte instead of an Americano (Watch out! Real party girl over here!!). I spoke my order into the drive-thru microphone and slowly rolled forward, patiently waiting for those ahead of me to collect their drinks. For some reason I was a little nervous about using my "recovery" drink. A weird thing to get nervous over, I know. You see, the manager just took down my name and nothing else.   ...would they know who I was? ...would they believe me? ..would they still honor it? I had all of these thoughts and more bouncing around in my head.

It was finally my turn. As I approached the pay-station, I roll down my driver's side window in anticipation of my piping hot non-fat latte. It took a minute to be recognized...the morning rush was in full swing. The barista approached the window, handed me the latte and said, "The person in front of you bought your drink."

***I was shocked***

"Wait. What?" My internal thought continues, "No, I was going to use my 'recovery' drink...I'm really confused AND blessed all at the same time."

I got so flustered and shocked, I simply said, "Wow! Okay. Thank you!" And then drove away. My mind was reeling. As I left the drive-thru line and approached the main road, turning right, the direction of church, I began to feel guilty.

Why did I feel so guilty about receiving a gift that someone gave me with no obligation and much generosity? I mean, I didn't have to accept the drink. Then. I began to feel bad about not digging though the change in the car to put towards the person's drink behind me or better yet, using my recovery drink. In the moment, these thoughts did not even cross my mind until I was halfway at church. I was overridden with guilt. 

I know that the person who purchased my drink wanted 

to bless me, not make me feel guilty. 

And then I remembered someone else who gave me a gift with no expectation and much generosity...

JESUS!

In this simple act of kindness from a stranger at Starbucks, Jesus reminded me that He gave up His life for me...not to bring guilt, not to force me to follow a million rules, not to sacrifice for others out of obligation, not to make me feel bad for accepting the sacrifice that He made for me on the cross.

He gave me this gift out of love, generosity, compassion. Jesus died to give me life! He made the greatest sacrifice. In return, he desires my response to be from a heart of the same love, generosity and compassion. He desires me to serve those around me not out of obligation but because it pleases Him. It is sometimes hard for me to understand this great Love, but even through a simple random act of someone purchasing me a Starbucks drink, I see the fingerprints of God; and remember that I am a temple of the Living God who desires to bless me abundantly.

"...I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." John 10:10

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..." Romans 8:1

"Every man shall give as he is able, according to the blessing of the LORD your God which He has given you." Deuteronomy 16:17

Just another (poopy) day at the office

Okay, lets face it...as parents we ALL have poop stories. Two weeks ago, I was "blessed" to have my very first one. AND of all places, at work. Let me explain.

*IF YOU WANT TO SKIP THE DETAILS, SCROLL DOWN* 

(CAUTION: DOES CONTAIN [not so graphic] ACTUAL POOP IMAGES).

The beginning of January my maternity leave ended. I was thrown into the world of both motherhood and academia. Most people think my *paid* job is easy. From the outside perspective, I can see why. Only two days a week am I physically obligated to go to the office: one day for office hours and another for teaching. The rest of the week I get to work from home. I have a wonderful schedule which affords me ample time with my growing little snugga-monk daughter while still doing what I love (teaching). It also allows me time to sorta keep up with the housework too.

Before I go any further, please let me dispel the myth: I am actually working two (TWO!!) full-time jobs...three if you count being a wife. ;) Although I do get to work from home most days, it is so hard to divide my time and fit my *paid* work in during nap time, distracted playtime (I love our cats!!) or once my Wee-Bit is down for the night. I am not complaining, please don't take it that way, but it is hard.

Added to this dynamic is childcare (you knew it was coming!!). As most new parents know, this transition is more difficult than expected for many reasons. For my family, it has been difficult because of my husband's varied schedule...

• Do we pay someone for a few days a week? 
• But what it my husband is home, what then? 
• What if the college is closed? Do we still want childcare?
• How will we find this person? 
• Will we be able to trust them? 
• Can I pump and store enough milk to be away that long?

...as you can tell, the questions are endless. So, we decided to piece childcare together for the first month and make something work.

 (*THIS IS WHERE THE REAL POOP STORY BEGINS*)

Childcare arrangements changed on this particular "office hour day" which meant, no childcare!!

"Well, I might as well just show her off then," I thought, dressing my daughter in the cutest dress and putting piggy-tails in her hair. Soon, we were traveling the 30-minutes to work. The office staff had been wanting to meet her anyway; and I did not have any appointments on the calendar so of all days, it was a perfect unplanned "Take Your Daughter to Work Day."

As I was driving the interstate, I caught a whiff of a smell stinkier than the "Aroma of Tacoma." As foul as it was, I didn't think much of it. My daughter had been passing bad gas for over a week, so I just figured that was what is was.

Side Note: Just three weeks prior, on New Year's Day, we started feeding Baby solid foods. Her digestive system was still trying to figure out what to do with this new introduction.

I pulled into the staff parking lot, grabbed the stroller out of the trunk, and transported baby (still in car seat) from the car to the stroller. As I walked up to the office, I remember feeling weird about having my personal/family life encounter my professional life. Anyway, I strolled into the office (still smelling the stink), and the office staff leapt up to see the tiny human I brought with me. Oh, they were SO excited to cuddle her!! They immediately wanted to hold her.

BUT something in my mommy superpowers told me to go back to my office and "get settled" before passing baby around.

AM I EVERY GLAD TO HAVE LISTENED TO THAT VOICE!!!

I pushed the stroller down the hall, fumbled to find my office key in the midst of the diaper bag, my lunchbox and teaching materials. Entering my office, I set-up a make-shift changing table on my desk setting out the wipes from the diaper bag and the changing pad we received at a baby shower. I was all set.

As I began to unstrap baby, I realized that there was something vastly different from the way I had placed her in the car seat 40 minutes ago. I laid her down on the changing pad, lifted her dress to begin the diaper change process and... I experienced the "Aroma of Tacoma" x100 and a Mount Saint Helen's eruption all at the same time. WOW! I never knew poop could stink so bad and explode so many places.

Shocked, I grabbed the box of tissues on my desk, the green plastic diaper-disposal bags, and the wet wipes. I think I used about 1/2 the tissue box and most of the wet wipes to clean this giggling little girl. If I was at home, I would have just bathed her!! (I was sad that this was not an option).

The adorable dress, kick-pants, and tights were all soiled...poo up the back, coming over the sides, tucked in her leg folds, and on the tummy. It was so impressive, I wasn't even mad. I did my best to clean her up and put the "evidence" in two black-plastic garbage bags to disguise the smell. Co-workers slowly walked passed my office to see what the commotion was all about. It was embarrassing to say the least. Not to mention the poop smell that wafted down the hall and filled my office. :(

Once the poop was clean, I had to change her outfit. I dug through the diaper bag to find the back-up outfit that I had so carefully picked out about 2 months ago....2 MONTHS AGO. You guessed it...it was too small. The onesie could barely snap...but at least it was cute. The pants kinda of fit around her waist but stopped just a little below her knees...why not wear capris in the middle of winter?! EPIC FAIL!

I think it took at least 20-mintues to get her all cleaned, changed, and the put all the cleaning supplies away. (Well, so much for utilizing my office hours for actual work!!). Once I had her all cleaned up, I took her to the front of the office. I was thankful that one of the office gals took her from me for a little over 20-30 minutes and gave her a tour of the whole office (upstairs and down).

So although it was a huge stinky mess, and occurred at my place of employment, I now consider myself fully initiated into motherhood! If you are a parents, I know that you can totally relate!

THE TAME version of Mt. St. Helen's Eruption










The too small clothes from the diaper bag. 

A Mother Will Do Anything....

It is Friday morning. Most people (without kids) might be excited that the week is finally over. For me, the weekends just run together separated from nothing but the drudge of the same routine. On this particular Friday, I was exhausted (to say the least)!! Baby girl was up every 30-60 minutes during the night (and of course, this happened on a night my husband was working a 24+ hour shift). Of course!

I debated whether or not I should go to my baby-friendly exercise class (Stroller Strides) but decided that since I was already up I might as well make the most of it. So, I put on my "Friday-Best" face, changed into my workout clothes, packed up baby, and headed toward the gym in the DUMPING rain. (I'm thankful I even made it there through my foggy-sleep deprived brain!)

Once I arrived, I was greeted by the familiar, supportive faces. Even with a fussy, overly sleepy baby class was great. Not to say that it was the best workout, but it was good to get out of the house and interact with others who really didn't need (or want) anything from me...for a WHOLE HOUR!! It was great! 

During class, I was hoping baby would fall asleep. She is accustom to falling asleep in public places, snug in her car seat, despite noise and commotion. But on this day? OH NO...she stayed awake from 7:30-11:15am! 3.75 Hours!!! (On top of a very sleepless night) This is very rare for her. To say she was grouchy was an understatement. I was not looking forward to what I thought would happen next.

Class was over and I rushed out so that others would not have to listen to the whimpers of my little human. "She was hungry," I thought, "I will feed her when I get home." I briskly walk to the car to avoid as much of the rain as possible. Swung baby in the backseat, secure in the car seat base, threw the stroller in the trunk and ran to the driver's seat. Phew! We made it...a little wet, tired, and frustrated but we made it into the car. (A huge accomplishment on this day).

Leaving the parking lot, I heard cries, whimpers, and screams from the backseat. By the time I made it 2-minutes down the street, the backseat was silent! At first I thought I just tuned out her noise (a super-power I gained with Motherhood), but when I looked back...she was fast asleep!

"Really??!! Now?! Well, I might as well make the most of it."

Knowing that the pounding rain and the jostling it would take to remove the car seat from the back would wake her up, I decided to go to Starbucks. The drive-thru of course! (I have never used drive-thru's as much as I do now that I am a mother!!).

I purchased a drink and breakfast sandwich and wondered where I should go. I thought about driving down to the water to enjoy the view with my Starbucks treats, but my mind went into auto-pilot and before I knew it I was sitting at home in my driveway...in the pouring rain...with a (FINALLY) sleeping baby.

What's a mother to do?

Slowing pulling up the E-Brake (pulling it too fast wakes her, I have discovered), turning off the car,  reclining my seat, turning up the music (slightly), I enjoyed 40-minutes of "relaxation." Yes, I was just sitting in my car...in my driveway! The falling rain was somewhat therapeutic. The Starbucks coffee (with a long blonde hair in it...YUCK!) was a "nice" treat. The cold breakfast sandwich was just enough to curb my hunger. But the sleeping baby in the back.... PERFECTION!

I soon began to realize a mother will do anything for her baby....here is the evidence:

 

In the light of Eternity...

We are all dealing with challenging things in this life. It is easy to complain, compare to others, or just want to give up.

We ask ourselves:

• Why put in the effort? 
• Why figure out a way to make it work? 
• Is it really worth it?
• Will this ever end?

I have been faced with these questions and emotions times ten over the past few months.

Whether you are dealing with weight issues, work stress, raising children or any other number of problems, we have a decision to make regarding our attitude towards them.

Today I was confronted with the truth, "Does this situation matter in light of eternity?"

This powerful question helped re-direct my thoughts and view my situations with a different perspective.

Here is what is most important:

• Is my relationship with Christ growing? Am I allowing Him to work through the situations I am facing?
• Is my first thought to turn to prayer?
• Am I submitting my marriage to God and allowing God to transform us for His glory?
• Are my actions teaching my daughter about Jesus or distracting her from knowing the Savior?
• Do I trust that God, as Baby's Heavenly Father, cares for her WAY beyond what I can or ever will?
• Is my focus to share Jesus' life, saving power with my family & friends instead of complaining?
• Am I will to allow God to transform me? Disciple me? Through ALL challenges?
• Am I relying on God more than myself?

Follow God, submitting myself to Him, seeing Him in all things, and sharing His power to save...in the light of eternity these things are the things that matter. These things make fighting through my struggles worth it! So, ask yourself, in the light of eternity, does this really matter? 

I Own Nothing...

I own nothing. Nothing is really mine.

WOW! What a sobering thought. All my possessions, special mementos, collections of pictures and so on are really not mine...scarier yet, my daughter really isn't mine either!!

Everything I have is a gift given by God. He is the only One who gives and takes away.

My responsibility, then, is to care for and be generous with all I have, giving Him the glory for it all. Somehow in this world, I begin to think that I can control and obtain things that will give my life more meaning. Why? For power? Comfort? Satisfaction? Recognition? What ever the reasoning, I feel if I have more stuff or can control/hold onto what I have that my life will somehow be better.

FALSE!

It is easy to forget that the Lord should be at the center of it all (not my possessions or earthly relationships).

I need to daily hand over my life to Him and be thankful for what He has given me today (because we are not guaranteed anything for tomorrow!!). I need to better care for the things He was blessed me with. Daily, I need to remember that Jesus is the center of my life not my daughter, marriage, work, friends, etc. I need to give what I have without hesitation and listen to the leading of the Spirit as He commands me to share what I have.

In this there is TRUE satisfaction, joy, and peace. (All three of which I desperately need in my life right now!).

Sharing...such a simple concept (and a concept I deeply desire to instill in my daughter) yet it is often difficult to execute...to let go of the things I have, to lend without expectation of return, to remember that God has and will bless me as I am in His will.

So for now, I remain thankful to have a Heavenly Father who walks with me. I remain thankful for the One who reveals truth, speaks wisdom and washes me with peace.

I am grateful for the life I have in Him & will continue to practice generosity, all the while reminding myself to enjoy what I have today in Him...because in all reality I own nothing and nothing is really mine. It all belongs to Him!

DEFINITION :: "The facade"

DEFINITION :: "The facade" :: The things I say instead of saying what is REALLY going on:

• Oh, yeah, I'm doing great.
• You know, things are busy.
• It just life with a baby... 
• We are just figuring it out one day at a time.
• Everyday is an adjustment.
• Just learning to balance everything.
• I think I have it under control.

But what I'm really saying is;

• I'm so tired I can't even sleep!! Ugh!
• I really don't know how to ask for help. (Even if I did, what would I ask help for?!)
• Life is so chaotic that some days I just want to hide under my apron (if I wore one) & pretend I am invisible.
• I really have NO IDEA what I am doing.
• Everyday we are trying something new to make life work & nothing seems to help.
• There is no such thing as balance in my life right now! Some things just have to give.

But I am reassured that I am not the only new mom facing (or who has faced) moments, days and seasons such as this. I am blessed. I need to learn to be more transparent, be vulnerable, ask of help, accept help that is offered.

To be honest, most days I am not even sure how I feel. I chalk that up mostly to sleep deprivation. But one things is truer and than true...Jesus loves me and has called me into this season.

I am beyond blessed...

• by my husband who helps out so much and just knows when I need a surprise dozen roses or when to book a much needed massage (I can't wait until Saturday!! WOOHOO!!)
• by the smile on my daughter's face and her giggle when we cuddle in the morning.
• by my friends who offer to pray for me and who watch my daughter spur of the moment (shout-out to Courtney!! THANK YOU!!).
• by the comfort and hope given me through Jesus.

So at the end of each day, I pray that I can have victory over the every so "easy" facade and be real, recognizing how blessed I really am because I know one day I will look back on these days fondly and wish I could have just one more snuggle with my little monkey girl or just one more glimpse of her morning smile.

I need to tell myself: It is all worth it!

The Song of My Heart Today...

The One I'm Running To

By: 7enenth Time Down from the album Just Say Jesus 

Midnight
He is staring at the bills and rubbing
Red eyes
Ain't adding up to nothing
But some hard times
He's feeling like a failure at life

Head down
Part of him is tempted just to
Skip town
But deep inside he knows enough to
Cry out
God I'm tired of fighting this fight

I'm running low on faith
But I won't run away

Tonight I'm gonna fix my eyes
On the only Hope who satisfies, my heart
You are the One I'm running to
Everything that's good and right and true
Jesus, I'm coming after who
You are, You are
The One I'm running to

Late shift
She's working hard providing
For her three kids
She hasn't seen her husband cause
Their stretched thin
Nobody told her it would be this hard
There's no end in sight, but she says
No compromise

Tonight I'm gonna fix my eyes
On the only Hope who satisfies, my heart
You are the One I'm running to
Everything that's good and right and true
Jesus, I'm coming after who
You are, You are
The One I'm running to

So much I don't understand
In the middle of this circumstance
But I know my life is in Your hands

Tonight I'm gonna fix my eyes
On the only Hope that satisfies, my heart
You are, You are

Everything that's good and right and true
Jesus, I'm coming after who
You are, you are
The One I'm running to




Publishing: © 2013 Love Journey Music (SESAC), Aevinesaintmusic (SESAC), Moms Like Us Too (SESAC), Wordspring Music, LLC (SESAC), Early Service Music (SESAC), Sony/ATV Cross Keys Publishing (ASCAP), Songs From Exit 71 (ASCAP)
Writer(s): Mikey Howard, Cliff Williams, Ian Eskelin, Tony Wood

(Re)Defining My Identity

"I am more than what you see at this present moment."

It is easy for me to only see myself as "mom." I mean, let's face it, I truly do spend most of my day caring for the sweetest (sometimes crankiest)  little human especially with my husband working a gazillion 24-hour shifts in the last few weeks. It is easy to forget that I am more than "just mom."

I need to redefine my identity.

Oh, how easily I have forgotten that I am also a wife, friend, daughter, sister, cousin, housekeeper, accountant, banker, college instructor...you get the picture. I need to learn not to let any one role define who I am. One word I need to re-learn: BALANCE.

Early on in life I promised myself that I would never be one of "those" woman who puts baby over husband. Wow! Please forgive my judgment!! It is so easy to do and without notice or expectation, I have done this...and for good reason (...as I try to justify in my mind). Baby is only 6-months old!! She needs a lot of attention. But what am I willing to sacrifice to give her that attention? Certainly not my marriage or friendships.

I need to redefine my identity.

I need to remember that I am also a woman. It is okay for me to find a babysitter, put on earrings, wear a top that doesn't have to be breastfeeding friendly (and doesn't smell like spit up!!). And heel!! Perfume! The more obvious...a shower! Oh! That would be nice!

Yet something is still missing. I need to redefine my identity.

I can balance each aspect of my life and still not fully, wholly understand my identity. After all is said and done, my truest identity should only come from Christ and in Christ alone... here is a list to prove it taken from: http://www.joycemeyer.org/articles/ea.aspx?article=knowing_who_i_am_in_christ

Once I fully accept who Christ has called me to be (or at least make progress towards it daily), HE will be the One to help me balance the many identities He has blessed me with. I just have to remind myself that this life is not a race...I don't need to adapt and change all in one day (although I wish I would!). God is faithful to complete the good work that He has started in me. I must simply let Him redefine my identity.

WHO I AM IN CHRIST-- MY TRUEST IDENTITY
 
I am complete in Him Who is the Head of all principality and power (Colossians 2:10).
I am alive with Christ (Ephesians 2:5).
I am free from the law of sin and death (Romans 8:2).
I am far from oppression, and fear does not come near me (Isaiah 54:14).
I am born of God, and the evil one does not touch me (1 John 5:18).
I am holy and without blame before Him in love (Ephesians 1:4; 1 Peter 1:16).
I have the mind of Christ (1 Corinthians 2:16; Philippians 2:5).
I have the peace of God that passes all understanding (Philippians 4:7).
I have the Greater One living in me; greater is He Who is in me than he who is in the world (1 John 4:4).
I have received the gift of righteousness and reign as a king in life by Jesus Christ (Romans 5:17).
I have received the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Jesus, the eyes of my understanding being enlightened (Ephesians 1:17-18).
I have received the power of the Holy Spirit to lay hands on the sick and see them recover, to cast out demons, to speak with new tongues.  I have power over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall by any means harm me (Mark 16:17-18; Luke 10:17-19).
I have put off the old man and have put on the new man, which is renewed in the knowledge after the image of Him Who created me (Colossians 3:9-10).
I have given, and it is given to me; good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over, men give into my bosom (Luke 6:38).
I have no lack for my God supplies all of my need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19).
I can quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one with my shield of faith (Ephesians 6:16).
I can do all things through Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:13).
I show forth the praises of God Who has called me out of darkness into His marvelous light (1 Peter 2:9).
I am God’s child for I am born again of the incorruptible seed of the Word of God, which lives and abides forever (1 Peter 1:23).
I am God’s workmanship, created in Christ unto good works (Ephesians 2:10).
I am a new creature in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17).
I am a spirit being alive to God (Romans 6:11;1 Thessalonians 5:23).
I am a believer, and the light of the Gospel shines in my mind (2 Corinthians 4:4).
I am a doer of the Word and blessed in my actions (James 1:22,25).
I am a joint-heir with Christ (Romans 8:17).
I am more than a conqueror through Him Who loves me (Romans 8:37).
I am an overcomer by the blood of the Lamb and the word of my testimony (Revelation 12:11).
I am a partaker of His divine nature (2 Peter 1:3-4).
I am an ambassador for Christ (2 Corinthians 5:20).
I am part of a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a purchased people (1 Peter 2:9).