Resist & Enjoy: A new kinda hard

Our schedule is back to full-swing, so to speak. All of our obligations have occurred at least once and we are on our way to a "normalized" routine (although every day still looks different).

Last year was one of the hardest of my life, filled with doubts and unknowns about our youngest and the stress of keeping up with work and life while raise two other toddlers.

This year we enter "pumpkin spice" season with a very new toddler at 1.5 years, an almost 3-yr old and a 4-yr old. Busy and overwhelming to say the least. I sit on the floor today almost in tears, feeling as if I can't keep up with these little treasures and work and maintain a household and a life. Not sure what to do, I bury my head in my hands and pray. What we "should" be doing is playing outside, enjoying the last few glimpses of the sunny weather. Guilt over takes me. But why?

I feel inadequate to the mother of these children. Words escape me when they need them the most and my tired body drags through the motions of lunch, dinner, bedtime...you want PB&J for lunch an dinner? Sure! That fits into the "healthy" food category, right? These things seem to matter less and less to me. Guilt again...because I SHOULD care about heathy, well-balanced meals. I try.

The days before us are busy but God is faithful. He is adequate. He has allowed me to mother these children. I cozy into Him for His extra grace, gentle pat on the back and a moments relief from the tantrums and toys being thrown around me. Thank you, Jesus, for my life! It could have been so much different. We could have only had two children, not three. I could be unemployed. We could not have a church or a place to live or..... this list of gratitude runs deep. So, here is to living life FOR Jesus and WITH Jesus, embracing the hard times and rejoicing in them. This season is just a new kind of hard but I am so grateful for it. May He get the glory. Amen.

Summer Sabbath: Patience & Trust

Last week, June, my 14-month old son had a follow-up appointment with the gastrointestinal department. Up until a few months ago it has been a struggle to get him to eat certain foods due to reflux and to teach him to drink from a bottle/sippy cup (he was born prematurely, with little chance of survival at birth).  Due to an overwhelmed schedule we MISSED his scheduled early December appointment. I have NEVER missed any appointment or follow-up.

I received a letter in the mail notifying me of the missed appointment and I was devastated! I was so anxious to have this appointment as well as meet with a dietitian but we some how overlooked it on our busy schedule and could not get rescheduled until last week.

At the time of receiving the letter, I called the office and gladly accepted the June appointment...even more anxious because it was 4-months out and anxious because I was concerned about my son.

Fast forward to the appointment: As I prepared the diaper bag to head out to the medical office, I had a smile on my face. I KNEW that my son no longer needed this service from the gastrointestinal department at the children's hospital. This appointment, which happened to occur during Sabbath Summer, made me realize the lack of patience and trust in my own life towards God and His plans/ways.

Since birth I have been concerned about my son's eating and digestion. I kept detailed charts and logs of medications, formula in-takes, solid foods consumed. Throughout his 14-months of life, doctors told me that our son would eventually grow out of many of these digestive issues and his three medications. Was it that I didn't want to believe them? Was it that I wanted to rush the process? I wanted answers then and there. I wanted our son to be "fixed" NOW! I was (still am) an exhausted, sleep deprived mother of three, stretched thin by my marriage, kids, full-time work, church involvement, friends... (the list goes on). I confess, I wanted it...him...to be fixed so that I could "move on" to other things. (I confess my pride here too!).

Now our son is a growing, healthy boy who is eating anything and everything without any restrictions (except for the size of his finger foods). I know that perspective is always 20/20 but this experience made me realize my lack of trust in God's ability to take care of our son (and us!).

It was a very good revelation that God showed me...that God is good even when we can't see it. He is working things out in His timing and in His way. He requires us to patiently endure in long-suffering and steadfastness in Him...even when we don't know the outcome or the path is not yet made clear. This is the same "skill" required for developing deepened relationships--steadfastness and patiently enduring the good and hard in relationships.

This experience also revealed to me that we cannot force God's hand. Outside His will, we might be able to force a solution, an outcome or control the situation in some way yet the results are unsatisfying, challenging and often times end up creating more stress and anxiety. Some situations just require TIME and PATIENCE. No matter how badly I wanted my son to be "fixed" or how many appointments I forcefully scheduled nothing would change the fact that God required TIME for my son to outgrow the struggles he as enduring which required me to patiently accept where our son was. Instead of wanting him to be at the end of this, to enjoy the PROCESS of reaching the end...pressing deeper into God rejoicing in His favor and embracing the discipline of patience.

Moving forward in this Sabbath Summer, I wish to adopt this discipline of patience: with God, with my husband, with my kids, with my friendships, with communication, with purchasing, with everything. I will attempt to see God moving before I predetermine my will verses God's will and His way.  I will practice patience which will also help me practice trust.

Growing a Family: Our Sabbath Summer

This summer we declare a Sabbath Summer. By definition Sabbath means rest as to set apart as holy. I might not fully understand all of the complexities of what Sabbath means biblically, but what I do know is that Scripture calls us to "cease strive and know that I [God] am God." Psalm 46:10 (See a Full definition of Sabbath here).

So, our family is going to try this--- resting in God's provision. The rule of Summer Sabbath is simple: Trust God.

In practical terms this means sticking close-ish to home, not pre-planning our summer activities or daily outings. It means being obedient to where and when God calls us to go somewhere or do something. It means limiting the stresses of this chaotic season of life (and one of these stresses is taking my 1, 2, and 3 year olds anywhere by motor-vehicle by myself). It means focusing on the simple yet difficult command in Mark 12:30-31:

³⁰ Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ ³¹ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’There is no commandment greater than these.”

We start this summer with loose boundaries of staying close to home, surrendering our friendships to the Lord and taking joy in celebrating God's Gift of Love through reading scripture and through service. Our goal is to get back to a more simple, clutter-free, media-reduced life, hoping that through this-- more authentic interactions will grow into long established friendships and serving others would become second nature.

If you know anything about me and my extroverted nature, this will be difficult. It is certainly a disciple that will influence (positively) many other area of my life... marriage, relationships with my kids, friendships and service to the church body and community. I pray that through this discipline of Sabbath Summer God will change the way I think and value the people and things around me. I am excited and slightly apprehensive at how this will all play out but after pondering it more I realized....

Isn't this how I should be living anyway?!!?

In those terms, it could also be called a "reset" summer. Whatever it is called, I pray that it brings Glory to God and refocuses our family to what really matters. So...here is to a summer full of the unexpected. A summer of trusting God. A summer of hopeful simplicity. And a summer of authenticity, openness and sharing the Gospel through lifestyle.

In Joy---

Maranatha

Learning to See: My alted view

Around a table with some friends, I vulnerably confessed that I see only in 2-dimensional view. This, of course, brought up a lot of questions (which I was more than happy to answer). Seeing that I was struggling to communicate a few aspects of my vision, my darling husband chimed in.

"Think about a photograph or picture," he said to our friends, "This 'flat' view is what she sees."

Even though I read that description in my recent read, "Fixing My Gaze," it really did not dawn on me that I see things in a 'flat' way. I pondered this for a few days and brought the topic back into conversation around the dinner table with just me, my husband and kids.

After inquiring more about my husband's thoughts, he asked me to look at the pictures on our childrens' placemats. "What do you see?" he asked.

I began to describe to him what I saw, how I knew my son's head was round or that the fence was in the background. I mentioned the shadows on the faces and the obstructions of various items that told me where things were placed.

To my surprise, for the first time, I truly understood how I see this world as flat. My husband began to describe what he saw in the pictures compared to what he saw around him. I was shocked.

Could I really be missing out on this amazing thing called 3-D (or binocular) vision?

The conversation made me realize just how unique God has made me and how He has allowed me to see in such a spectacularly different way. It made me realize that there is something I can gain from this experience called vision therapy. It made me more curious than ever.

So...tomorrow I go in for my initial in-take exam and get "THE NEWS." I thought I would be more nervous than I am. I think talking about it, confessing it, reading that wonderful book about it has made me curious and slightly excited to start this journey. I have no idea what will come of it but I won't know if I don't try! I look forward to posting shortly after my exam tomorrow (well...maybe after all my students' finals are graded). :)

Thanks for joining me!
~B~

Growing a boy: I am wrecked

I am wrecked. My son's body is broken. Our family is separated once again... yet I offer this:

Here is my broken hallelujah. 

God desires us to press deeper into him. As we cry out to him, he looks down in as much pain as I feel. Every emotion I can feel as a parent, it gives me me a deeper understanding about God's love and also the pain he feels when we are in pain. 

We live in a broken and a sinful world. 

Through all of these trials created by the newest member of our family, I have never asked why me. Instead I have asked God, "why not me?!"

It has been an emotional and physical battle since even before our premature son was born. Yet my faith is deepen. It is strengthened by this trial. I pray that our faith has increased the faith of others as well, knowing that God works all together for His good and glory...no matter the outcome.

It does not make this trial any easier or reduce the amount of pain or fear we are currently enduring. It doesn't mean that we don't cry or worry and fuss over our son (while worrying and fussing over our other two children). It doesn't mean we have figured it out. It feels like we are (and have been) in a state of survival.  But, having said all of that, it does give light and hope for our eternal life with no brokenness. 

Many people say that becoming a parent increases your understanding of who God is… I believe this whole heartedly. Nothing about this season of life is easy, but it is incredible to see time and time again God's promise proving to be real, true, and consistent! So we press into him deeper and deeper relying on his strength not our own. Our own strength fails us. Our emotions sometimes rage. Sometimes we are complete and utter wrecks! But we know that God is always near. He walks behind us, and front of us, beside us, and in us. The Holy Spirit envelops our very being by revealing God's love to us moment by moment. In our pain we give praise.

So in our pain, hurt, anguish (and every other emotion imaginable), we offer this:

Our broken hallelujah!

Aging Gracefully: What has your body done

Not a day goes by that I don't think about my body. How it is changing. How I want it to change. Limitations from the things I used to do. And the comparisons to what the world thinks I should look like or what I should be able to do.

The wrinkles on my face deepen. The wire-like gray in my hair appears more and more each day causing me to either pluck it (eeekkk! I know!!) or use a lot of hair gel to calm it. My stretched out stomach skin and marks gives history of birthing three precious children. I am sure the traumatic end to my last pregnancy and spending 28 days in the NICU with my youngest didn't help. Now having a household full of three children under 2-years and three-quarters old doesn't help either. YIKES!

With my last pregnancy, at 33 weeks pregnant, my stomach was beyond stretched out...literally as tight like a water balloon about ready to burst. It was so large it was shiny and hurt at a single touch. Five weeks postpartum, and having just turned 35, my mind is shifting on how I (should) view my self image

In a world that is focused around self image, I realize that instead of fighting my body I need to embrace it!

My body has allowed me to do some pretty incredible things in this life! As a child I was able to dance ballet, run outside freely, climb on the jungle gym during recess, ride a bike among other things. As the years passed, my body has enabled  me to travel to some incredible places and experience some amazing things like riding a camel in the Sahara desert, walking up all of the stairs of the Eiffel Tower, and carry a backpack to some pretty remote places through Europe. It has allowed me to teach at a community college and has allowed me to help shape the mind of university students. Now it allows me to chase after and care for three of God's most precious possession.

In the past three years, my body has enabled me to carry three children. Every stretch mark & varicose vein tells a story of great love and sacrifice for each child. The gray hair that seems to grow more rapidly these days is a sign that I am still alive and able to enjoy the children that God has blessed me with (and hopefully a sign of aging with wisdom)… Even on the days, when I struggle with my body aging and feel so overwhelmed that I feel like pulling out all of my hair including the grays, I am grateful.

It is so easy to dismiss the miracle the body truly is. The way it heals itself, the way it moves, and allows me to critically process through the world around me.  I wish I could say that I don't struggle with body image, but I do. In this new year & new season, I want to focus more on who I am and not what I look like… Or think I should look like. That is not to say that exercise and a well balanced diet will be thrown out the window, but rather my life focus will be on enjoying those that God has blessed me with including my family as well as enjoying the body he has given me...each "imperfection" and all.

It's FINALLY over...

After three long months....it is finally over.

It is hard to imagine the number of keys and words my fingers have typed. The amount of emails exchanged back and forth. The time spent pouring over & reviewing submitted files, commenting on each.

The ideas that were changed, ideas that were formed, principles put into practice. Friendships that were made or reestablished.

We are all changed.

I am excited to announce that after three long months, FALL QUARTER IT FINALLY OVER!!

I will take a days break to rejoice in all the ideas and learning that was shared and exchanged...then...onto preparing winter quarter courses. My job is so fulfilling in the way that I have the opportunity to see lives transformed and ideas put into practice.

I am relieved to have a break but I am so thankful for the work I am allowed to do. :)

Until January.....

When your mouth says otherwise

True confession: sometimes my mouth says things my mind says I should not say.

In a world with rapid access to news and quick postings on social media, I find myself blurting out things that I otherwise should know are not appropriate. My desire in life is to honor the Lord first and foremost. And then to honor my husband, family, and then friends. It is challenging when my mind goes 1,000,000 miles a minute and my mouth catches up quickly.

So how do I stop this fire out of my tongue? Scripture says that it can never be tamed. Is it hopeless?

With prayer and discernment, I pray that my mouth will align with God's heart.  I really do want to lift up those around me with kind, compassionate words. What example do a set for my family and children with the words that I say? Although I am not cursing, I say things that inevitably can cut deep without even realizing it.

We are an example. We do have influence on those around us. I desire my influence to be one that uplifts and brings honor to those around me.  So in a quest to find the Lord's voice in mine, I go to prayer. There are many examples of those in my life who have learned to either keep their mouth shut or honor those they love with her words. I desire to learn both skills.  It is an on going process, one in which I need grace.

I encourage you as well as myself to take pause. To be still. To listen. And to be slow to speak and quick o listen. Words can't either build up or tear down. What do your words do?

Firehoses & Aimless Driving: Momma Needs a Time-Out

It is only 10:30am and what a day it has been already! The husband decided to go on a hike today. I was scheduled to bring both kids with me to my eye doctor appointment at 9:30am. Oh boy!

This morning I encountered an episode of the terrible two's! Running, hitting and tantrum throwing accompanied getting both kids dressed and fed while packing the diaper bag and loading the car... all in hopes of getting out of the door on time for my eye appointment. (Seriously child, pants are NOT optional, little human, when we leave the house).

Arriving on-time with both kids intact: Mission One Accomplished.

Despite my daughter pulling off all of the pink framed glasses at the eye doctors, things went surprisingly well. With the help of crackers and her toy iPad, she was mostly entertained. My sons sat in his car carrier half asleep and half awake as sister jostled him about in his car seat. It was hard to pay attention to what the doctor was asking as my daughter insisted on the NEED to be in my lap. (I think I answered all of the doctor's questions?)

Completing the eye appointment without children throwing a fit: Mission Two Accomplished.

The reward for being well-behaved at the doctor's office was "fa-fee" at Starbucks. My daughter loves the steamed foam (aka her version of fa-fee -- coffee) and scoops it out with a spoon...getting most in her mouth. I had to nurse my son in the busyness of the Saturday morning at Starbucks, but overall it was success.

As I loaded both the kids in the car after our epic morning adventure, my daughter insisted that she drive the car instead of me. I obviously had to veto this for a variety of reasons which caused a series of more two-year-old tantrums. Reluctantly, I promised her that she could "drive" when we got home.… With the car turned off, keys out of the ignition and parked safely in our driveway.

Getting the kids in their proper seats without losing "it" too much: Mission Three Accomplished.

To be honest, at this point, I needed a mommy time-out. I decided to take an extended route home… Honestly driving way far out of my way just to have a few moments without my little ones needing me to do anything for them. So I drove around in a nearly silent car. I am so thankful for crackers and the library and the "Under the Sea" lift and flap book that we checked out a few days ago. I am so thankful for the still hot cuppa coffee I purchased at Starbucks. And a sleeping baby.

As I drove, I had time to reflect again on my purpose as a mother. I fall short every day at being a stellar mom. Today I overreacted to my daughter's multiple tantrums at home. I used harsh tones and unkind words to her as I was trying to get her dressed (the whole "I don't want to wear pants" thing). And I became frustrated at the littlest things that on a normal day really would not be that big of a deal. As I drove, God reminded me of the things He endured to save me from sin and death. He reminds me daily that in Him I am purpose to be a great mother. When I try to rest on my own strength & I don't rely on his power and His word, I fail... fail miserably. I'm thankful that His mercies are new every day. And I'm also thankful that every day He reveals Himself to me! He also reminds me that He has made me to be the perfect mother for the children that He is given me. So despite all of my shortfalls, my bouts of frustration, and overreactions, my children still love me and God is still showing me His grace.

Refocusing on what REALLY matters: Mission Four Accomplished.

So, I got right with God on my extended, out-of-the-way-home mommy time-out. I apologized to my two-year-old for my "tantrums," and was ready to go back home. I had no plans for today besides the eye appointment. My neck was still a little stiff/sore from a recent trip (...about a week ago I couldn't even move it!) so I figured home would be the best option. As I was driving, I saw a street closed. A small-town street fair!! Literally, a gift from God...to help us all refocus on what is truly important...relationships! Faith into action. I want my kids to know me not only as a loving and fair mother but a FUN momma too! So, impromptu.....street fair! I loaded my kids out of the car yet again. This time my daughter wanted to "run, run, run" while brother lounged in the stroller. The first thing we saw as a police car (lights and all!... the real crowd pleaser) and all of the tactical gear for the kids to touch and learn about. So fun! About a block away was the fire truck! My daughter just laughed and giggled as she climbed inside and sat in the driver's seat. The firefighters even had the hose out for kids to spray a few targets! Oh, what a great way to spend a morning and what great redemption God brings.

Allowing God to work on my heart & loving on my kids by making them a priority: Mission Five Accomplished.

So for all of you mothers out there, you are not alone! When days get long and children get cranky and your temper overflows, just know that God's grace is more than enough! God has gifted us mommas with the ability to endure trials of various kinds for His sake so that He might be glorified in our lives! He gives us moments to stop, pause, reflect and reset. The Holy Spirit is kind and gentle to correct us and even if we fail today..God's mercy and grace renews everyday! So mothers, be encouraged you were not alone. In HIM and with His strength we can do ALL things.

Happy Saturday.

My children are my mission field

Being a mom is no joke. We endure sleepless nights, dirty-diapers and back-talking toddlers. Our new "perfume" is free of charge consisting of spit up, splattered sweet pureed green beans and my most favorite (ugh!!) poop! Nights seem long and days offer little relief as the duties of a mother are 24/7...there are no real vacations or sick days, moments of silence or moments of pure relaxation. Even when we do get a "break" we are either worrying about our littles or replaying the conversation with the sitter to make sure we told them every little important detail about caring for our children. Most days we feel like we are either losing our minds or losing our patience (seriously, JUST PUT ON YOUR SHOES!).

Then...what is the point?

God has called us mothers to the important job of raising up the next generation, teaching them and training them in HIS ways. It is easy to rely on the earthly pleasures to help us endure (um...can I get another cup of coffee, please?!). But ultimately, our rest and strength are gained when we abide in HIM and in HIM only. He is teaching us mothers sacrifice in a way that we have never understood before. He is allowing us to be pruned and trimmed so that we can bear more fruit in the proper season. Pruning hurts. It is difficult. "WHEN WILL THIS FRUIT COME?!?!" I scream under my tongue on most days but then I realize the fruit is growing and the roots are being planted deep.

I am not the same person I was two years ago...the person pre-toddler and baby. My focus and conversations have change. My passions are still there but are less of a priority as they once were. My daily goal (amidst not falling asleep on my dinner plate) is to display and teach Christ to my children...in every interaction I have with them and those around me.

My children are my mission field.

Just as a missionary is called overseas to an unreached people group, I realize that God has gifted me with my children who need training, discipling, and who need to be taught the love of Jesus in practical ways. It might not be in Africa or Asia. It might not be in a small grass hut or a large unreached Eurpoean city. But God is teaching me to grow where I am planted...to not long for what I don't have (or what I did have)... to not compare to myself to those formed days when my life was so drastically different...to not complain but embrace this very difficult season...to not rely on anything but HIM for my strength and endurance...above all to be in prayer, handing over my life to HIM so that HE can do His work in me so that I can teach, guide and lead my children.

So, although it may not seem like it in those looooooooong sleepless nights (Oh, wait? Is it day already?!) God is doing a new thing in you. Do not lose hope. He has a plan and a destiny for you. He works all things (did you get that...ALL things) together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)

Mothers, embrace your purpose knowing that God is able to supply EVERYTHING you need in the hard seasons of motherhood! God loves you more than you know.

Christmas: Advent Calendar

As we enter further still into Advent (which means "coming" in Latin), let us be intentional in remembering not only the birth of Jesus but the expectation of the future coming of the Lord as described in scripture. Reflecting on all the Lord has done & will do, I have created an advent calendar of random acts of kindness to bless others during this season. It is so easy to focus on buying presents, upcoming parties, making everything "perfect" for Christmas, etc. and forget about the true meaning of Christmas. This year I desire to be intentional. If you would like to join me, let me know. I would be more than joyful to share my calendar with you. :) Happy Advent!

I plan on leaving a little note with each gift saying something like, "In the Spirit of Christmas & the celebration of Jesus' birth, enjoy this gift."

Day 1: Go out of my way (& against my already planned activities) to help. The gift of time.

Day 2: In a drive-thru, purchase a gift card and leave it for the person behind me.

Day 3: Leave $5 at the gas pump to bless someone with their next fill-up.

Day 4: Purchase coloring books & crayons from the Dollar Store to leave in the hospital waiting room.

Day 5: Package diapers & wipes to leave on a changing pad in the restroom. 

Day 6: Tape microwave popcorn & $2 onto the nearest RedBox. 

Day 7: Write an encouraging note to a neighbor & drop it by with a treat. 

Day 8: Give the gift of the Gospel. Mark the "Christmas Story" in a new Bible & leave it in a public place.

Day 9: Invite a friend over for a meal, requiring their presence only.

Day 10: Send/take flowers to someone who should be recognized. 

Day 11: Give a small gift & note to the mailman for working so hard during this holiday season.

Day 12: Reflect on someone influential in my life. Write a letter to them expressing my gratitude. 

Day 13: Do a craft with my daughter with the intention of blessing a neighbor or friend.

Day 14: Call someone I haven't spoken with in a while and encourage them with prayer, scripture & conversation.

Day 15: Donate food to our church food bank. 

Day 16: Enjoy a "tech free" day to be present with those I am with. (With the exception of announcing the birth of our baby if he comes on this day :)).

Day 17: Read the Christmas Story from the Bible & text a friend about what stood out to me. Pray for that friend too! 

Day 18: Leave an extra tip for someone at a restaurant, coffeehouse, etc.

Day 19: Do something special that I know my husband will appreciate – food something probably :)

Day 20: Send a Christmas card to a nursing home with a family picture to encourage someone who may not have family. 

Day 21: Give the crosswalk lady a hot chocolate.

Day 22: Say something kind to the waitress or cashier to encourage them for working so hard. Do this everywhere I go. 

Day 23: (My due date!!) Bring chocolates to the nurses at the hospital (if I'm in labor)

Day 24: Journal/blog about what Jesus has taught me through this Advent Season & post it on social media.

Day 25: Be intentional about conversations with family while keeping Jesus at the center of Christmas celebrations.

PRINTABLE/DOWNLOADABLE CALENDAR: 2015 Advent Calendar_Random Acts

Emmanuel: God with Us

My LIFE with Jesus, I pray is a reflection of the amazing work that He is constantly doing in me. I am no good on my own. He makes me worthy of everything I do!

I pray Jesus that my life will continually reflect your goodness and faithfulness to me. I pray my outlook will be outward and in serving others, not caught up in the busy tasks of my to-do list, but rather of SERVING those around me. Help me see things, people, situations through your eyes. I am grateful how much You have transformed me. I ask Jesus that you remind me of Your faithfulness day after day. I pray that my heart will desire to spend time with you....to dive deep into the mysteries in which you have set out for me to discover.

I thank you Lord for always being with me. You are my Emmanuel. Thank you that I can find rest, peace, and security in You!

You are the only one who deserves my worship. May my life (in all areas) focus on knowing You, being BOLD to proclaim Your truth to others, and be a life worthy of the call you have given me.

I praise you Lord.

~Amen~

Life with Jesus: ONE TRUE GOD

A life with Jesus is not always perfect, easy, or quick to adapt to. It is, however, eventful! My life with Jesus has evolved so much since I first really began to walk with Him in middle school. I reflect back on all of my "hardships" as a 13-year old and compare God's faithfulness to my hardships now as an adult.

God's character is still the same.

Yesterday and tonight I was asked to give my testimony on the boundaries that God has placed on my life. Many topics came to my mind including both emotional and physical boundaries God has given me. It is so encouraging to discover that other ladies ALSO have boundaries that God has given them too, despite being different than mine.

Tonight, I feel victorious in the Lord. I stood in front on how many women and confessed my stubbornness  pride, frustration and all the like about on boundary...now I feel free! God calls us to confess our sins and also to carry the burdens of others. In fellowship, conversation, and pray this is accomplished.

I am SO grateful that God has given me ladies who I can trust, exposing these boundaries to. I am so grateful for the LOVE God Himself gives me as I trust in HIM to provide for my every need and bring me protection along with comfort.

So, I end this blog tonight feeling encouraged, blessed, excited, and wanting more than ever to keep sharing my story so that people can see the ONE TRUE GOD through it.

May God receive all of the glory.
~AMEN~

Convictions from a Lazy Heart

Hello Dear Ones-

It truly has been a long while since I have posted. My confession: my lazy heart.

In September, I committed to join and study the Book of Genesis with a Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) group. I did great.....until week nine came around. Yikes!

The typical things got in the way and the common phrase, "I am really busy" became my excuse. Yes, I was busy, but to my dismay, my busyness lead me to push out God.

So, now that I am on "break" from my job until January, I thought I would catch up on the 4 lessons I have missed, starting at Genesis chapter 10--- the Tower of Babel.

As I began to read the BSF notes on chapters 10 and 11, I felt a sadness in my heart for the people who deliberately chose to forsake God for their own selfish ambitions. They desired to be known and worshiped among their peers. They wanted the power and recognition  They wanted to be in control. They worked long and hard to build this beautiful and tall tower....for their own selfish confidence.

To be honest, I was appalled at their decision to chose selfish gain and selfish confidence over God. And then.......God showed me that I have been very much like these people that I loathed.

God revealed to me my personal expressions of pride, situations where I have called attention to myself (and away from God), and moments where I purposely chose to honor my own heart instead of God's heart.

How can we humans fall into the same repetitive traps (and so quickly?!?!)? How do our hearts become so lazy yet pride full?

The BSF lesson notes asked some very pointed questions:

• How have you taken satisfaction in other people's support more than in God's closeness?
• What are you doing right now that might really be for your own advancement and not for God?
• Where have you deliberately chosen NOT to exalt God's name or His Word?

These are all good questions to ask no matter where you are in your relationship with God. I know that my lazy heart has caused WAY more harm then good! Are you aware of the areas in your life that you tend to put off because of laziness, pride, selfishness, etc.?

God calls us to present ourselves to Him FULLY! I am more convicted of this then ever especially as we enter this special season of Christmas when God purposely sent His Son to live on this earth among the lazy-hearted.

The best gift that you can give this Christmas is a clean, pure heart with obedience, trust and faith. Jesus is waiting to receive this from each of us......

~B~

My Never Satisfied Thirst

Summer is finally here! As I spend more time in the sun, I also find myself thirsty. I walk into the kitchen, open the refrigerator and search for something cold to drink.... juice, lemonade, soda. Anything will do--as long as it is cold!

When I drive home from work, I have also been know to pull over at the closest gas station and pay a ridiculous amount of money for a bottle of fancy, super-purified water.

Regardless how thirsty I seem and how much I try to quench that thirst, the thirst always comes back. Always!

Reflecting on this, I began to draw a "spiritual" connection between my never satisfied thirst and my relationship with Jesus. 

Have I been substituting artificial, sugar-filled, tart drinks for the only true and pure "Water Source?"

Jesus says in John 4:13, 14 "Everyone who drinks of this water [the water at the well] will thirst again; but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life."

WOW! That sounds so much better than my sugary soft-drink or over priced gas station water! Jesus is promising a life forever with Him! He is promising that our deepest desires, those things we thirst and hunger for in this world, will be met by Him (and ONLY Him!). He promises us a life spent in relationship with Him, a sweetness that is sweeter than any sugary-drink or drink substitution. 

Jesus desires to life fully with and in each of us! He has created us to rely on Him.

So, what I have been relying on in my life to fill this space, hole or desire in my life? In the past, it has been relationships, shopping, gossip, a busy schedule, organizing, and cleaning. But what happens when relationships fail? New clothes get torn? People are hurt by my harsh words of gossip?  My schedule is empty? The things I just organized and cleaned get unorganized and dirt?

My reaction varied from depression, anger, and pride. I would just keep trying harder to maintain, do more, say more. Until......I found Jesus! Jesus takes away this desire to strive for earthly satisfaction and "doing more" to relying solely on Him. There is no substitution in the word that can replace what God has given me. 

What God has given me is an eternal, living water! Have you received this "Living Water?" Have you tried desperately to fill an empty hole in your own life by gossip, people pleasing, or maybe something else? God desires to your living water! He desires to be the one who fills every longing that you have. It comes through a relationship with Him! This does not mean your life will be perfect, or that you will never long for anything again. It does mean that God wants to partner with you in your life and  help you find the true value in Him.

Dear Lord-

Please forgive me for trying to find satisfaction in the wrong places. Please forgive me for those I have hurt while doing so. I thank you for giving me a living water (YOU!) so that I will never thirst again. May I continue to rely on you more and more each day instead of myself.

~Amen~

Representing Christ

Did you know that you may be the only Bible that people see or read?

I am convicted of this very question as I respond to a variety of student emails.

How do I come across to these students? Loving? Fair? Harsh? Strict? Caring? A combination?

My heart is so invested in these students; however, my Type-A personality has a tendency to take over, overseeing that everything is done "by the book."  Is that the heart of Jesus?

As a teacher, I deal with more moral and ethical dilemmas then I ever thought possible. I certainly did not learn about this in college!

Despite my position or yours, we have to remember that we are ambassadors of Christ. This means there will be times that we need to extend grace and mercy instead of punishment or discipline.

How my heart longs to be the grace and mercy-giver; the teacher who is known for compassion over strictly following the law.

I pray for you, too, that the Spirit of the Lord will speak these words to you and show you how you might be able to better display His character; I also pray that you will learn how to be a grace and mercy-giver, just like Jesus.

Dear Lord-

Oh! How I need you every day, especially in my work. Help me show compassion, mercy, kindness and grace to the students you have entrusted me with. Help me represent you and your kingdom. Help me see things from your perspective and not my own. Above all, Lord, let YOUR will be done in my lif and in the hearts of those you have entrusted me with. Thanks you Jesus for your love, compassion, kindness, and mercy. I love you.

~Amen~