I am suppose to be working right now (two kids are in preschool and the nanny is watching the other) yet all I can Google is "how to deal with traumatic events" and "traumatic event-anniversaries." Why can't I just get over it already. I am done processing, re-living and re-hashing the details two years ago....but I am compelled.
I prayed that Jesus would just sit with me and let me cry on His shoulder. Maybe that is just what I need? It seems so silly in many ways...our son is fine. I am fine. We are fine. I just don't understand why these emotions are so big and so real and so in my face.
I need to focus. I have a million things to do this week. My mind is full.
April use to be my favorite month...my birthday month. I am privileged to share this birthday-month with my youngest son but now the first few weeks (or more) of the month are spent dealing with the grief of the traumatic events two years ago. I don't even care much about my birthday any more but rather just want it to pass so that we can move into May...the "happy month."
It is a weird season where my head and heart don't agree. It is a season of contradiction and unexpected emotions. It is a season that I feel I burden people with my story---does anyone even care? Are people tired of me bringing it up? Tired of me talking about the same old story over and over? Maybe these are untruths but it is my fear in my grief that cause me to not want to talk about my story. I don't want people to "feel bad" for me but rather join me in the journey. I want people to ask me about it...to ask and listen with genuine care. Yet, again, I don't want to burden those around me with another "sob story" with a happy ending.
I am thankful for a place, like this, to express my raw emotions. To process through. A place to put my thoughts and a place to ask for prayer. I am not even sure if anyone reads what I write but for me, it is important to share this journey. Many others, I am sure, have experienced these same emotions to a degree. You are not alone. Jesus is with you! I am sure there is a community eager to hear your story...so share! Find a way to share. YOUR story is important. Your story is not who you are, your identity) but rather a part of who are are becoming as these events shape your actions. So who ever is reading this, leave encouraged. Leave knowing that none of us are alone. Leave with the love of Jesus resting upon you for HE is the great healer. HE will redeem these "icky" moments and make them glorious in His own way (only if we allow Him).
In peace and trust-
~B~
Monday, April 8, 2019
Sunday, April 7, 2019
Growing a boy: My son was so close to death today
Today at 9am, marks two years since the life saving lung-removal operation for our son. It is an emotionally charged day. I woke up this morning anticipating that this day may be hard and recalled, "my son was so close to death today. Today, he was as good as gone." Whether that was the truth or not (since I am clearly not a medical professional but rather a heart-torn mom), those were the thoughts that crossed my mind two-years ago and remain with me. Today in church, they played the song that I heard on the radio the day I was driving down to bring our son home...tears. They played a song about the air in our lungs--which God clearly GAVE Oliver...tears. Tears being reminded of the painful moments leading up to surgery day. Tears of joy when we heard our son made it through surgery and was doing well.
On the outside, I may appear well but inside my heart is breaking and mourning. I remember almost every detail of surgery day so clearly--how I felt, the weather outside, what I wore, the "trolley" "comfort cart" that came to visit us in the waiting room during the surgery. These powerful, humbling, sad moments are still present. I remember watching the clock wondering when we would hear anything about our son's surgery progress. I remember searching for the same word over and over again in my "word search" unable to focus. Moving forward to present...
How do I reconcile this day that happened two years ago with our son's now amazing progress? Today he is happy, mostly healthy (besides the colds that rattle his chest) and meeting many of his adjusted-age milestones (besides fine motor skills).
I DO NOT want this season of his life--his amazing birth, life-saving surgery to define him, to become who he is BUT....but, it will forever be part of my journey. How do I process these events, these milestones without projecting them on him? The day I was admitted to the hospital in the end of March; the day we learned he had hydrops; the moment we were told he had 50% chance of survival; the day he was born and the horrific unknowns that were laid before us. How do I deal with days/milestones like today--surgery day-- and his upcoming "breathing day" when his breathing tube was removed and he cried for the first time? These moments are part of my journey (and his too) but I just don't know how to handle them...where to put those emotions. How do I "celebrate" them without these moments becoming our son's identity?
Over time I am sure it will get better. I certainly try not to dwell on this past history but somehow my body remembers and my mind quickly catches up. My body reacts to things like my daughter's dress I was trying to donate, which is clearly too small, but I just couldn't bring myself to donate...why? It was the dress she wore when she visited her brother for the first time two-years ago. So, the dress remains hanging in her closet. Weird and strange things like this pop-up unexpectedly. I guess it is part of the process. This season set aside, we are doing well. Outside this concentrated few months, we hardly think about the details leading up the this day. But in this season, we are brought back to the place were God did a miracle...where God heard us and answered our prayers in astounding ways. I am thankful for this hard season of reflection because how could we NOT praise God for what He did? It was only by His grace and favor that our son lives today. We were ready to accept that our son would be with Jesus but God had another plan. It is a reminder of how close were were to HIM and how HE desires us to be close with Him like that in every day, in every season and in every way. It is convicting; it is good and it is a blessing to have this day--surgery day--to point is all back the the Creator. He truly is in control of life and death and today--two years ago--He choose LIFE for our son. I will forever sing HIM praises for this and share this story of God's great love and great intervention.
On the outside, I may appear well but inside my heart is breaking and mourning. I remember almost every detail of surgery day so clearly--how I felt, the weather outside, what I wore, the "trolley" "comfort cart" that came to visit us in the waiting room during the surgery. These powerful, humbling, sad moments are still present. I remember watching the clock wondering when we would hear anything about our son's surgery progress. I remember searching for the same word over and over again in my "word search" unable to focus. Moving forward to present...
How do I reconcile this day that happened two years ago with our son's now amazing progress? Today he is happy, mostly healthy (besides the colds that rattle his chest) and meeting many of his adjusted-age milestones (besides fine motor skills).
I DO NOT want this season of his life--his amazing birth, life-saving surgery to define him, to become who he is BUT....but, it will forever be part of my journey. How do I process these events, these milestones without projecting them on him? The day I was admitted to the hospital in the end of March; the day we learned he had hydrops; the moment we were told he had 50% chance of survival; the day he was born and the horrific unknowns that were laid before us. How do I deal with days/milestones like today--surgery day-- and his upcoming "breathing day" when his breathing tube was removed and he cried for the first time? These moments are part of my journey (and his too) but I just don't know how to handle them...where to put those emotions. How do I "celebrate" them without these moments becoming our son's identity?
Over time I am sure it will get better. I certainly try not to dwell on this past history but somehow my body remembers and my mind quickly catches up. My body reacts to things like my daughter's dress I was trying to donate, which is clearly too small, but I just couldn't bring myself to donate...why? It was the dress she wore when she visited her brother for the first time two-years ago. So, the dress remains hanging in her closet. Weird and strange things like this pop-up unexpectedly. I guess it is part of the process. This season set aside, we are doing well. Outside this concentrated few months, we hardly think about the details leading up the this day. But in this season, we are brought back to the place were God did a miracle...where God heard us and answered our prayers in astounding ways. I am thankful for this hard season of reflection because how could we NOT praise God for what He did? It was only by His grace and favor that our son lives today. We were ready to accept that our son would be with Jesus but God had another plan. It is a reminder of how close were were to HIM and how HE desires us to be close with Him like that in every day, in every season and in every way. It is convicting; it is good and it is a blessing to have this day--surgery day--to point is all back the the Creator. He truly is in control of life and death and today--two years ago--He choose LIFE for our son. I will forever sing HIM praises for this and share this story of God's great love and great intervention.
Monday, April 1, 2019
Growing a boy: HE SURVIVED
With
each passing year it is easy to celebrate the fact that as parents we
have kept our child alive for another year. But what is so
significant about celebrating our youngest is a fact that he has
survived… Against all odds… another year.
Not only is he surviving, he is THRIVING! Surpassing milestones and proving every day that God has transformed his life in immeasurable ways since before his inception.
It is easy in the season to reflect on the hardships leading up to delivery. It is still emotional but as I reflected on a walk this morning… I was reminded of just how big our God is and how he speaks to us so personally.
Oliver‘s birthday is a memorial stone for me. A day to celebrate and rejoice friendship, community, family and a God who is so big… So unfathomable... that I just can’t help but leap for joy, raise my hands in praise and REJOICE.
We go into this second year of life helping Oliver threw a little cold… Using the nebulizer and wondering if his lungs are OK. Wondering how his x-ray results will turn out. Questioning the use of his right leg and hand… But he is laughing, just started jumping with both feet and throws a ball more accurately than his mama ever could. He brings so much joy; making us a family of five. Together in God‘s presence. It is a joy and a privilege to continue this epic journey of parenthood to a two-year-old toddler.
Today, (the scary day before his delivery just two years ago), I mourn but I also rejoice. It is so wonderful to be reminded of our GREAT God. We give HIM praise for the past two years and look expectantly to the future HE has for this crazy, fierce little boy.
Happy Birthday Eve, OSH.
Not only is he surviving, he is THRIVING! Surpassing milestones and proving every day that God has transformed his life in immeasurable ways since before his inception.
It is easy in the season to reflect on the hardships leading up to delivery. It is still emotional but as I reflected on a walk this morning… I was reminded of just how big our God is and how he speaks to us so personally.
Oliver‘s birthday is a memorial stone for me. A day to celebrate and rejoice friendship, community, family and a God who is so big… So unfathomable... that I just can’t help but leap for joy, raise my hands in praise and REJOICE.
We go into this second year of life helping Oliver threw a little cold… Using the nebulizer and wondering if his lungs are OK. Wondering how his x-ray results will turn out. Questioning the use of his right leg and hand… But he is laughing, just started jumping with both feet and throws a ball more accurately than his mama ever could. He brings so much joy; making us a family of five. Together in God‘s presence. It is a joy and a privilege to continue this epic journey of parenthood to a two-year-old toddler.
Today, (the scary day before his delivery just two years ago), I mourn but I also rejoice. It is so wonderful to be reminded of our GREAT God. We give HIM praise for the past two years and look expectantly to the future HE has for this crazy, fierce little boy.
Happy Birthday Eve, OSH.
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