Growing a boy: Hearing the Word "NICU"

My miracle baby is almost 10-months old yet at the sound of the word "NICU" I am taken back to some of the toughest moments of my life and begin to cry.

The word send me back...to the smells, the sounds, the stress, the dry hands from the hospital soap, the labor-intensive pumping sessions, the overnight stays at the hospital, the hospital food, the desire to hold my newborn or dress him or hear him cry, the shuffling of our older two kids to make arrangements to be in Seattle.

It reminds me of the stress being back in the Tacoma hospital and the frustrations of trying to nurse...of the painful recovery from a c-section, the sight of volunteer "rockers" rocking my crying preemie because I could not be there all of the time.

The word "NICU" reminds me of the dozens and dozens of people who served not only our son but us as well...their love, compassion, hugs and tissues.

I am reminded of the community that supported us so well by providing meals and practical acts of service.

I remember standing in our son's nursery at home, crying because my son was not home, in his crib, where I imagined him to be.

My mind wanders to the trip back to the hospital once he was initially released...back to the hospital after the victory of the initial discharge was celebrated...watching him stop breathing at home--turning slightly blue, the addition of medication, learning my breastmilk which contained milk could be part of the cause, the addition of rice cereal into his formula.

The word NICU reminds me of all the other struggling parents I encountered whose babies were sicker than mine...those sweet precious ones that passes away from being born too early or had too many medical complications. My heart and mind go there.

I cry thinking about the support from Seattle Children...not knowing how to grasp their level of support and love and care....using every resource possible to save our son.

Maybe I am experiencing post-traumatic stress from these occurrences. But a day does not go by that I don't think about some aspect of our son's journey.

We will celebrate his first birthday in just a few short months and I am beside myself. It is an incredible journey! It is a party of celebration and a thank-you party for all of those who have joined us in this battle! We seriously can never thank you enough.

2018: My "reset" year

10 days into the New Year...I have made some pretty loft resolutions.

As I reflect backwards on the year before, I also dream about the year ahead.

My "backwards" year sure was eventful... discovered I was pregnant, took two trips to Canada and one road trip to Idaho, dealt with a house flood, birthed a baby who was born unexpectedly early with hours and days spent in and out of the hospital (not knowing if he would live or die), potty trained, my oldest starting preschool, attended two professional ballets, turned 35 and adjusted to being a family of 5 while both my husband and I work full-time. (And these are just a "few" highlights of 2017).

It was probably the toughest year I have endured to-date. EVERY WEEK offered a new challenge which allowed us to press deeper into God and sacrifice so much of ourselves to serve others and take care of the "things" (material and relational) God has gifted us with.

In 2018, my resolutions are big... focusing first on God. Trying to live more radically for Him by getting rid of the excessive physical clutter to make room to mentally focus on relationships.  My desire is to be more intentional about serving those around (my husband and kids included) by a willingness to be "inconvenienced" to obey the calling/directing of the Holy Spirit. It is a big resolution that can only be fulfilled IN Him.

My other "big" resolution is to take just a little better care of myself. It might seem silly to you but I realized I sacrifice so much for my family that I forget to take care of my basic needs... so at the risk of TMI, here are my other 2018 goals: washing my face every night; brushing and flossing TWICE per day instead of just once; being more active (I have been walking laps around my backyard as the kids jump on the trampoline...not exactly how I pictured working out but at least it is exercise); drinking more water and less coffee; and shaving my legs more (silly, I know).

So, here is to a "reset" year. Striving more fiercely towards God and taking better care of myself to being more intentional. It feels good to write these things down, to remember where God has taken me and where He wants me to go.

What about you? What are your big (and small) resolutions in 2018?