Getting Healthy: Just getting started

I just closed a two-year chapter/blog series titled "Growing a boy" on the challenges of dealing with a son born prematurely who was close to dead at birth. As I have finally closed that emotional chapter, finding healing in more ways than one. Now, I am ready to move on. I am starting a new chapter...a new chapter with passion, a little motivation and just a little more determination to come against my excuses. I want to be physically healthy again.

Here are the challenges:

• A husband with an irregular work schedule making it difficult to find time away from the kids to exercise. 
• I work full-time (yes it is online but it still requires a lot of my time/attention amidst kids activities and husbands schedule). Like working out, I feel like I have to squeeze my job into our already crazy/tight schedule. 
• Three children ages 4, 3, 2 who are relentless and need constant supervision. Working out with them is next to impossible without tripping over them and hurting myself (or them).
• Sleep deprivation: Even though my kids are a little "older" I am exhausted at the end of the day (to the point of being an almost angry mother at bedtime --Dear Lord, PLEASE HELP ME!). At least one of the three kids awakes during the night; the husband comes home between 1-3a (usually waking me up) and then our brood is up at 6am. I have been trying to get to bed by 9:30pm on most nights...it seems to be helping. Naps were an option but now 2 out of the three are on a nap protest (& quiet time turns into a fight...why do I EVEN TRY to have some alone time in the afternoon...okay, sometimes I just let them fuss in their room & tell them that momma needs a time out).
• Food: Let's be honest, I eat what my kids eat and snack on what they snack on. Husband is not home most nights so I end up snacking for dinner after the kids are asleep. True confession: the other night I have popcorn and ice cream for dinner. Winner winner! ;)
• Another food challenge: I don't like to cook (& don't really know how to get out of my norm and/or make food everyone in my family will eat or enjoy. I really don't want to waste my efforts...but maybe I should?).

Excuses (see above and below!):

• For the first year of our youngest son's life, I was overwhelmed, burdened and stressed (to say the least) due to his eventful (for the lack of a better word) entrance into this world. Two years ago April, I was in survival mode.
• After this first year, I told myself it was time to reclaim my health...in August 2018 actually. In doing so, I took a smoke-stack tower fall, straight over onto my left hip on our tiled kitchen floor while "trying to fit" exercise in while my youngest was contained in the highchair. After a round of physical therapy in December-February, I finally felt relief in my lower back. 
• But then, the excuse of "we just moved" crept in in November and I have stayed there until recent.

Motivations:

• I want to get healthy so that I can hike with my husband, run & play sports with my kids and enjoy the calm kayaking waters without pulling a muscle.
• I am TIRED of carrying this two-year postpartum baby weight (and wearing maternity shorts, baggy shirts and stretch pants because 1) I have them and 2) because nothing else really fits well (or comfortably).
• Exercise and wellness are legacies I want to leave for my children. I want them to see their mother working out and eating well...not for the sake of appearance but for the sake of taking care of the temple (my body) given to me by the Lord. It is my responsibility to take care of my body.
• AND....My doctor said so. Okay...I may have probed her just a little at my recent annual check-up (which has actually been TWO years) to hear her say that I need to lose weight but I guess it helped since I am writing this new blog series. Very kindly my doctor say that I am overweight....but closer to normal-overweight than obese-overweight (phew!). But the real kicker---she told me is is much harder to lose weight the older you get. Wow! I just turned 37 (seems old to me!) so I may as well shed some weight and enter into the "normal-normal" range. 

What's going for me:

• YOU! My reading audience in whom I'm hoping will encourage me in this process with easy favorite, healthy family recipes, encouragement to workout, etc.
•  Spring/Summer: In the recent sunny days, I have enjoyed pushing our youngest in the stroller while the "big kids" rode their bikes. Bonus: everyone enjoyed it especially with a destination like a play park at the end.
• My husband works night. (Yes, this is both a challenge and a "what's going for me"). I have the time after the kids go to bed to workout...now...I just need to get over my almost-anger-super-exhausted-mom persona and (as Nike says) JUST DO IT!
• I have Amazon and the internet.  I lost my 21-Day-Fix Workout videos in the move (anyone have them I could borrow?!?!) but I did find a pretty good workout program on Amazon. With the help of the internet, I have access to PLENTY of healthy food programs. I am thinking about trying the 21-Day-Fix eating plan again. I did this after my first child and lost a decent amount of weight and felt great. It was very adaptable to my food allergies too.

Plan of attack:

• I don't have one...okay, I have one kinda in my head and here it is:
• Blogging my journey for accountability (wanna join me?).
• Food prep...should I start tonight (but it is the season finale of Grey's Anatomy!).
• Exercise: Make it a goal to be active every day with two or three intention workouts per week. This I can do...I can push my kids to be a little more active: kicking a ball with them, running around the "track" in our house and going on walks.
• Simple, right? Well let's see where this one goes..... to be continued.

Resist & Enjoy: A new kinda hard

Our schedule is back to full-swing, so to speak. All of our obligations have occurred at least once and we are on our way to a "normalized" routine (although every day still looks different).

Last year was one of the hardest of my life, filled with doubts and unknowns about our youngest and the stress of keeping up with work and life while raise two other toddlers.

This year we enter "pumpkin spice" season with a very new toddler at 1.5 years, an almost 3-yr old and a 4-yr old. Busy and overwhelming to say the least. I sit on the floor today almost in tears, feeling as if I can't keep up with these little treasures and work and maintain a household and a life. Not sure what to do, I bury my head in my hands and pray. What we "should" be doing is playing outside, enjoying the last few glimpses of the sunny weather. Guilt over takes me. But why?

I feel inadequate to the mother of these children. Words escape me when they need them the most and my tired body drags through the motions of lunch, dinner, bedtime...you want PB&J for lunch an dinner? Sure! That fits into the "healthy" food category, right? These things seem to matter less and less to me. Guilt again...because I SHOULD care about heathy, well-balanced meals. I try.

The days before us are busy but God is faithful. He is adequate. He has allowed me to mother these children. I cozy into Him for His extra grace, gentle pat on the back and a moments relief from the tantrums and toys being thrown around me. Thank you, Jesus, for my life! It could have been so much different. We could have only had two children, not three. I could be unemployed. We could not have a church or a place to live or..... this list of gratitude runs deep. So, here is to living life FOR Jesus and WITH Jesus, embracing the hard times and rejoicing in them. This season is just a new kind of hard but I am so grateful for it. May He get the glory. Amen.

Growing a Family: Our Sabbath Summer

This summer we declare a Sabbath Summer. By definition Sabbath means rest as to set apart as holy. I might not fully understand all of the complexities of what Sabbath means biblically, but what I do know is that Scripture calls us to "cease strive and know that I [God] am God." Psalm 46:10 (See a Full definition of Sabbath here).

So, our family is going to try this--- resting in God's provision. The rule of Summer Sabbath is simple: Trust God.

In practical terms this means sticking close-ish to home, not pre-planning our summer activities or daily outings. It means being obedient to where and when God calls us to go somewhere or do something. It means limiting the stresses of this chaotic season of life (and one of these stresses is taking my 1, 2, and 3 year olds anywhere by motor-vehicle by myself). It means focusing on the simple yet difficult command in Mark 12:30-31:

³⁰ Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ ³¹ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’There is no commandment greater than these.”

We start this summer with loose boundaries of staying close to home, surrendering our friendships to the Lord and taking joy in celebrating God's Gift of Love through reading scripture and through service. Our goal is to get back to a more simple, clutter-free, media-reduced life, hoping that through this-- more authentic interactions will grow into long established friendships and serving others would become second nature.

If you know anything about me and my extroverted nature, this will be difficult. It is certainly a disciple that will influence (positively) many other area of my life... marriage, relationships with my kids, friendships and service to the church body and community. I pray that through this discipline of Sabbath Summer God will change the way I think and value the people and things around me. I am excited and slightly apprehensive at how this will all play out but after pondering it more I realized....

Isn't this how I should be living anyway?!!?

In those terms, it could also be called a "reset" summer. Whatever it is called, I pray that it brings Glory to God and refocuses our family to what really matters. So...here is to a summer full of the unexpected. A summer of trusting God. A summer of hopeful simplicity. And a summer of authenticity, openness and sharing the Gospel through lifestyle.

In Joy---

Maranatha

Learning to See: Is seeing really a luxury?

"Why am I so nervous," I asked myself as I drove to the VT doctor. What I was going to experience was just a normal eye exam… But the results would have many more implications than just an annual visit to my regular eye doctor.

As I anxiously drove to my appointment, almost absentmindedly, I was surprised to see my van (driven by my husband) directly in front of me! I was coming from a grading session at Starbucks (the joys of long hours of grading that finals week gifts me with) and my husband was coming from home with our boys. Our youngest was getting his eye examined first before my appointment.

Meeting up in the parking lot was a blessing...getting to see the smiles on all three of my boys' faces (my husbands included) brought me much comfort and relief. We all made our way into the building, to the elevator and up to the second floor. I was grateful our oldest was still in "pretty" school so that we did not have to manage all three kids.

We were greeted by the same wonderful receptionist I met a few weeks ago. His warmth made us feel at ease as we settled into the waiting room right next to the train table. All four of us sitting on the floor, enjoying the crashes and bangs of the trains competing for space on the little wooden train tracks.  Before long we hauled all of things (and two kids) into the exam room.

I was asked to sit in the dreaded exam chair, holding our youngest for the brief eye exam. Within minutes my husband and I were told that our youngest would most likely need glasses and same with our oldest son. No surprise given my eye history and dominate genes. Soon after this exam, our oldest certainly needed food as it was nearing 11:30 (his lunchtime). My husband left with the boys to get food as well as to pick up our daughter from school.

After they left Then... the real "fun" began.

For many people, getting an eye exam is easy...something not thought about or dreaded over for weeks prior to an appointment. For me, it is torture. It requires concentration. It requires vulnerability. It requires confession that I cannot do or see the things the doctor is asking me to do or see. It requires so much focus that I can leave with tension headaches and tight shoulder muscles from strenuously focusing on the "smallest line you can see" or trying to get my eyes to see double vision (which I can with much concentration and focus and thought).


 So, it began. My current eye glass prescription was measured before beginning the exam, then the real test came. Throughout the exam, I often felt like I was failing.

"Do you see one or two lights?"

"I don't know," I said confused because my eyes (separately) were fighting among themselves for dominance while my mind was trying to convince them to simply do the job they were made to do. 

Early in the exam, tears started streaming. Seriously, who can't tell if there are one or two lights? Sometimes I see two. Sometimes I see one. Sometimes I see two but for a 1/2 second which causes even more confusion. In that moment, my eyes were constantly shifting and fighting against each other. How stressful.

We moved on from that portion of the exam to the torture brought on by the phoropter. My prescription was dialed in and the exam commenced. It started as you would expect a normal exam to begin. "What is the smallest line you can make out." "Can you please read me the letters." "Which one is the most clear, one or two (the turning of various lens strengths through the phoropter)."

I took several deep breaths knowing that "I can do this part." BUT... soon the exam was directed towards seeing things I struggle to see.... "Can you make your eyes see two?" "Are the images on top of each other or side by side?" "Can you make them horizontally align?" "Can you make them align if I do this (switching around the settings on the machine)." I was beginning to get frustrated. The seemingly easy tasks took so much focus that I felt my eye becoming exhausted as if I just had a personal training session at the gym...the first one in 10 years! Imagine that...just from a "simple" eye exam.

As I got through the far away "stuff," the doctor pulled down the chart that dangles just a foot or two (I'm not exactly sure how far away it is) in front of the phoropter. This is the work that is the most difficult. The thick chart had a triangle cut out in the middle. The triangle housed another chart with rows of small letters. At the base (or the tip) of the triangle, a few inches away, was a white plastic screw made for a flathead screwdriver. This screw was much easier for me to focus on than the letters so this is were my eyes first drifted, as my eyes resisted the letters (until I was called upon to focus on them....not by choice). :)

The same exercise as before was requested..."Can you make your eyes see two?" "Are the images on top of each other or side by side?" "Can you make them horizontally align?" "Can you make them align if I do this (switching around the settings on the machine)." This was the most difficult part of the exam for me. Not only were my eyes tired from the other portions of the exam, seeing the chart up close has always caused a lot of visual stress. It seemed like "ages" until this part was done and I was relieved when the doctor pulled the big eye seeing machine away from my face and said we were all done.

He turned from me, typing heavily on his keyboard near the dreaded exam chair. I tried to peak over to see what he was typing but it was all gibberish to me. A short minute later, he swiveled his chair towards me, clasped his hands together, I'm sure trying to formulate the words he was about to give me. I tried hard to focus on every word he was saying. I cannot remember the exact order of the things he said, but here is what I do remember him saying:

"I have been doing this for 50 years. Out of those 50 years, your eyes are the most screwed up I have seen."

"It is not your eyes that are screwed up. It is your brain."

"You have to be prepared that if you go about this, this will be a journey with a CAPITAL J. It is not something to be taken lightly."

"I could see you doing this [VT] for 12-months, easy, maybe even more. Two sessions a week for the first 2-3 months followed by weekly sessions after that."

"There is a possibility of another surgery to correct your vision." 

"We will have to get you seeing double vision on a regular basis first, before we can start working on anything else."

"Your case will be like opening Pandora's box. We just have no idea how you will respond to vision therapy."

"If you would have come 3-4 years earlier I could not have helped you but technology has made it possible!"

The real kicker, after hearing (and trying to process all of this) was the cost:

"It will be about $14,800 for your therapy. Insurance 'may' cover some of it. We always bill insurance. And if for some reason we decided that the therapy is just not working for you, we can refund a portion of that money."

Okay...wow. Talk about having your life flipped upside down within a matter of minutes. I believe that he was speaking in the kindest heart possible and the news was delivered in a friendly and personable manner. I never felt like I was being made fun of. I left the office with mixed emotions...on one side eager to get started and on the other baffled at the seemingly horror that my eyes really are "that bad".... the worst he has ever seen in 50 years. I should have left the office wearing some kind of badge of honor, right..."the worst eye ever over here?" Instead I left the office feeling conflicted and frustrated at the diagnosis. He did prescribe a new power for my glass, which I took directly my my regular eye doctor. I am hoping this will allow me to see better than my current prescription which is still slightly blurry out of my right eye.

I felt overwhelmed (I still do). I don't know what to think about all of this.

Today I received a call from the financial/billing office to discuss scheduling my first VT appointment. Reflecting on the "cost" (or rather sacrifice) that VT would entail, my husband and I are just not exactly sure if the time is right. To be honest, we are both a little hesitant about this. It would not only take a weekly (or twice a week) commitment, it would require time at home to do these exercises. And this does not account for the physical "side-effects" VT may cause as my eyes begin to change.

So, during my chat today with the billing office, apparently the $14,800 cost needs to be paid upfront...UPFRONT. Are you FLIPPIN' KIDDING ME? Yes, let me just reach into my money bag and write you a check. A "perk" of paying with a check...or get this...CASH...upfront is a "5%" discount. HA! Funny. I was given the option of putting the full amount on my CREDIT CARD...okay, I don't know about you but I am not about to MAX OUT my credit card and leave no option in case an emergency happens in my family. That option is out. The third option is like a medical credit card which has no interest for 12-24months (depending on what you are approved for) and monthly payments...roughly $1300/month.

We just do not have that much "wiggle room" in our budget to afford such an expense. Ha. Ha. Ha. It is kinda a joke, right? $14,800 up front and insurance "may" cover some of it. I guess I need to make a call to them?

So here I wrestle.

My vision is what it is. It is what God allowed me to have from infancy. Up to this point in my life, I have done fine. I can do most things I want to do. I am not putting anyone in danger, really, by seeing the way I see. I know my strengths and my weaknesses. I have learned to adapt. Cosmetically, I know it can be hard to look me in the eyes (especially when I am tired) because of my wandering eye.

The other part of me is curious, like a scientist on the verge of conducting a monumental experiment...wondering, if I don't try then I will never know.

Regardless of my curiosity, I think the actual dollar cost has won out and has made the decision for us. If I am not in danger, if I am not endangering anyone else, then this is simply a luxury. A luxury that we cannot afford. So my journey, it seems, has ended almost as abruptly as it began. I am still the same me, yet with a deeper understanding about a part of me that has remained hidden from the public for many years.

So, thank you for joining me in this journey of exploration. Maybe one day, I can continue this portion of my blog, "Learning to See." Until then, I will "SEE" you around...not sure whether it will be with the left eye or the right one, but I will see you.

~B~

Learning to See: My alted view

Around a table with some friends, I vulnerably confessed that I see only in 2-dimensional view. This, of course, brought up a lot of questions (which I was more than happy to answer). Seeing that I was struggling to communicate a few aspects of my vision, my darling husband chimed in.

"Think about a photograph or picture," he said to our friends, "This 'flat' view is what she sees."

Even though I read that description in my recent read, "Fixing My Gaze," it really did not dawn on me that I see things in a 'flat' way. I pondered this for a few days and brought the topic back into conversation around the dinner table with just me, my husband and kids.

After inquiring more about my husband's thoughts, he asked me to look at the pictures on our childrens' placemats. "What do you see?" he asked.

I began to describe to him what I saw, how I knew my son's head was round or that the fence was in the background. I mentioned the shadows on the faces and the obstructions of various items that told me where things were placed.

To my surprise, for the first time, I truly understood how I see this world as flat. My husband began to describe what he saw in the pictures compared to what he saw around him. I was shocked.

Could I really be missing out on this amazing thing called 3-D (or binocular) vision?

The conversation made me realize just how unique God has made me and how He has allowed me to see in such a spectacularly different way. It made me realize that there is something I can gain from this experience called vision therapy. It made me more curious than ever.

So...tomorrow I go in for my initial in-take exam and get "THE NEWS." I thought I would be more nervous than I am. I think talking about it, confessing it, reading that wonderful book about it has made me curious and slightly excited to start this journey. I have no idea what will come of it but I won't know if I don't try! I look forward to posting shortly after my exam tomorrow (well...maybe after all my students' finals are graded). :)

Thanks for joining me!
~B~

Maybe I Stopped Caring

...or maybe I am just too overwhelmed to notice.

Nothing in this year has gone as we had planned. We found out we were pregnant, lost a loved one, our basement flooded (TWICE!), discovered medical complications with my pregnancy which lead to a very stressful delivery followed by 28 days in the NICU. We are facing some other difficult, emotional circumstances on top of this as well. Life is not easy.

I find myself numb some days, going through the motions while trying to manage three very reliant children (of course all needing everything from me at the same time). Moments of rest are few and far between. When I do get rest, I worry that my youngest, only 5 weeks old, will stop breathing...which he does on occasion.  We are on high alert all of the time. This, of course, does not help with my "healing" c-section site.

We feel exhausted and isolated, trying to do what we can to reach out but understanding that everyone has their own woes to deal with. It is tough.

I am thankful these three children have made me a mother. They challenge my patience and reliance on God more than any other person has. When I grow weary, I know that God gives the extra strength. When I go through the motions (or fall asleep while bottle feeding our son), God is there to protect, guide, lead, be my beacon of strength.

I find that the simplest daily activities can cause me to be overwhelmed...the dish, laundry, bathing our children. Still facing physically limitation, this does not help. Our sweet youngest refuses to nurse. This causes me to spend at least 2-4 hours a day sitting at my breast pump, doing an enormous amount of "pump" dishes on top of the time is actually takes to bottle feed him (at least 30 min - 1 hour per feeding). Add in diaper changes on top of the needs to two others at 2 1/2 and 16 months, it can get pretty rough.

So all this to say...I continue to try to adopt the saying "it is what it is." My life circumstances may not change any time soon so I need to change my outlook on my circumstances. I may not get a solid night sleep any time soon but I need to take advantage of those sweet moments of rest (what I am doing writing this right now?!?). My son may never breastfed. My other two kids will fight with each other. The dishes will pile up as will the laundry... Embrace it. This is life. This is reality...three precious darlings that I love so much and a husband who is fighting the fight with me.

Even though it might feel like I have stopped caring, the real truth is: I care too much.

Growing a boy: My Raw Emotions

The emotions have finally hit.

Up to this point, I feel like I have dealt with the struggle of our preemie growing boy pretty well...taking each new surprise and challenge in stride. But now it is where it gets tough.

Yes, it is wonderful to have our youngest closer to home yet at the same time it pulls at my heart even harder to have to leave him. Maybe because he is more alert, maybe because I know that he is only 12 minutes from my house and I can just pick up and drive down there with minimal planning. I feel like the relationship with my other two kids has been compromised...focusing more on when/how I can make it down the road rather than enjoying time with my other two.

The big challenge...the road block that needs to be removed before coming home... breastfeeding. Honestly, I did better emotionally when they told me that the surgeons were going to cut open my son's chest to remove a mass/portion of his lung then I am with teaching my preemie how to breastfeed.

My milk production is not the issue. Me knowing how to nurse is not the issue. It is my son's lack of skill that needs to be learned. I know this in my head but my heart aches that he is just not getting it. (Knowing also he is just 36-weeks gestation and this skill will take time to learn).

My mind wonders, "It has to be me." "Maybe he just doesn't like me." "Maybe I am too loud." "Maybe I really don't know what I am doing."

I get emotional. I cry. I secretly get frustrated at myself (thankfully not at my son).

"I must be doing something wrong."

Although the last few days have been great having him closer to home, it has also separated me and my husband...taking shifts to be with him after our other two go to bed. In many ways this is good...the one who is home gets alone time and the other gets to snuggle and stimulate our son (who would otherwise just be laying in a silent hospital room by himself).

This part of the journey for me is the toughest. I was not expecting that. I feel more exhausted (or maybe is it the last 18+ days catching up to me). I feel more worn. I feel less able to deal with the household things that need to be done. I am overwhelmed.

I know it is just a season. I know that whether my son has to be fed my breastmilk via a bottle or by my breast (or even by formula), he will survive. He is a fighter. The ultimate goal is to breastfeed him but the "ultimate ultimate" goal is to get him home...whether that means bottle or breastfeeding.

So...there you have it...my ugly raw emotions in type.

Please pray for us, our marriage and our kids during this challenging time. Yes- it is just a season. Yes- this too shall pass. Yet standing in the middle of it, it feels like sinking sand.

Much love.

It's FINALLY over...

After three long months....it is finally over.

It is hard to imagine the number of keys and words my fingers have typed. The amount of emails exchanged back and forth. The time spent pouring over & reviewing submitted files, commenting on each.

The ideas that were changed, ideas that were formed, principles put into practice. Friendships that were made or reestablished.

We are all changed.

I am excited to announce that after three long months, FALL QUARTER IT FINALLY OVER!!

I will take a days break to rejoice in all the ideas and learning that was shared and exchanged...then...onto preparing winter quarter courses. My job is so fulfilling in the way that I have the opportunity to see lives transformed and ideas put into practice.

I am relieved to have a break but I am so thankful for the work I am allowed to do. :)

Until January.....

Fish Sticks, Songs and Lots of Cuddles

Tonight I received two priceless, precious gifts.

Days like today can get long. Sure, there are only 24-hours in a day but some days seem longer when the weather is hot (in the 90s!) and the kids get cranky. I admit that I used the TV as a distraction tool today for my two-year-old because I had to take-away pool privileges due to her continually dumping water over her helpless, 7-month-old brother's head. (Poor boy thought he was drowning!)

Fussing and crying were our dinner guests. Apparently baby pureed food seemed more interesting to my two-year-old than her fish sticks....baked in a 425 degree oven I might add.  Wow!! I didn't see that one coming! And of course, after just one spoonful of pureed peas she happily went back to eating her fish sticks. POINT ONE MOM! Phew! Skated through that one.

Bed time for both kids was surprisingly easy....until.....

My daughter woke-up around 8:30pm saying, "Out please. All done. Hung-gee (translated into hungry)." To be honest, she was so sweet about it. How could I possibly turn her down. So, I picked her up out of the crib and she snuggled in tight. My heart melted. I walked with her in my arms to the kitchen and sat her on the countertop for a little post-dinner snack: apple slices, yogurt, a few Cheerios and ice water. She was kind, funny and was generous in sharing her snack with me. (Gotta love those sticky fingered Cheerios).  Soon, it was time to take her back to her crib. It isn't often, but I decided to climb over the crib rail and snuggle for just a few minutes. Her favorite bedtime song is "Jesus Loves Me." As I gently stroked her face and nose, I sang softly her nite-nite song.
When I got to the part, "Yes, Jesus Loves You" I substituted her name for the word "you." As I sang the chorus, she sweetly sang back to me, "Yes, Jesus Loves Mommy. Yes, Jesus Loves Mommy,"

My heart melted again for the second time tonight.

My daughter is my priceless gift #1. 

While all of this was going on, my dear son was needing attention of the same sorts. He must be growing and teething. His comfort? Food. And I am his food source. Another honest moment: there are times when I get a little frustrated at his need to (what feels like) constantly nurse but in the last few weeks my milk supply has begun to drop a bit and I have had to supplement with either formula or stored milk....so tonight, I chose to consider these moments of nursing as a gift rather than an interruption. In the cool of his air conditioned room, I gently rocked and sang as he found comfort from my milk. His sweet little body stopped wiggling around. He threw out his left arm in pure relaxations and just drank. (And at this feeding I had enough to satisfy him!!). When he was done, he rolled his little 18 pound body into my chest, snuggling in as tightly as he could. Falling quickly asleep. I could feel his heart beating. Each breathe he took reminded me of God's faithfulness and His love.

My son in my priceless gift #2.

Even when days get long, it is God that I see. He is my provider, my strength. He allows me to experience these priceless gifts every. single. day. I pray my mind will forever be focused on Him so that I will see these cranky and hot days as nothing short as a miracle from Him.

Good Night.

Just another (poopy) day at the office

Okay, lets face it...as parents we ALL have poop stories. Two weeks ago, I was "blessed" to have my very first one. AND of all places, at work. Let me explain.

*IF YOU WANT TO SKIP THE DETAILS, SCROLL DOWN* 

(CAUTION: DOES CONTAIN [not so graphic] ACTUAL POOP IMAGES).

The beginning of January my maternity leave ended. I was thrown into the world of both motherhood and academia. Most people think my *paid* job is easy. From the outside perspective, I can see why. Only two days a week am I physically obligated to go to the office: one day for office hours and another for teaching. The rest of the week I get to work from home. I have a wonderful schedule which affords me ample time with my growing little snugga-monk daughter while still doing what I love (teaching). It also allows me time to sorta keep up with the housework too.

Before I go any further, please let me dispel the myth: I am actually working two (TWO!!) full-time jobs...three if you count being a wife. ;) Although I do get to work from home most days, it is so hard to divide my time and fit my *paid* work in during nap time, distracted playtime (I love our cats!!) or once my Wee-Bit is down for the night. I am not complaining, please don't take it that way, but it is hard.

Added to this dynamic is childcare (you knew it was coming!!). As most new parents know, this transition is more difficult than expected for many reasons. For my family, it has been difficult because of my husband's varied schedule...

• Do we pay someone for a few days a week? 
• But what it my husband is home, what then? 
• What if the college is closed? Do we still want childcare?
• How will we find this person? 
• Will we be able to trust them? 
• Can I pump and store enough milk to be away that long?

...as you can tell, the questions are endless. So, we decided to piece childcare together for the first month and make something work.

 (*THIS IS WHERE THE REAL POOP STORY BEGINS*)

Childcare arrangements changed on this particular "office hour day" which meant, no childcare!!

"Well, I might as well just show her off then," I thought, dressing my daughter in the cutest dress and putting piggy-tails in her hair. Soon, we were traveling the 30-minutes to work. The office staff had been wanting to meet her anyway; and I did not have any appointments on the calendar so of all days, it was a perfect unplanned "Take Your Daughter to Work Day."

As I was driving the interstate, I caught a whiff of a smell stinkier than the "Aroma of Tacoma." As foul as it was, I didn't think much of it. My daughter had been passing bad gas for over a week, so I just figured that was what is was.

Side Note: Just three weeks prior, on New Year's Day, we started feeding Baby solid foods. Her digestive system was still trying to figure out what to do with this new introduction.

I pulled into the staff parking lot, grabbed the stroller out of the trunk, and transported baby (still in car seat) from the car to the stroller. As I walked up to the office, I remember feeling weird about having my personal/family life encounter my professional life. Anyway, I strolled into the office (still smelling the stink), and the office staff leapt up to see the tiny human I brought with me. Oh, they were SO excited to cuddle her!! They immediately wanted to hold her.

BUT something in my mommy superpowers told me to go back to my office and "get settled" before passing baby around.

AM I EVERY GLAD TO HAVE LISTENED TO THAT VOICE!!!

I pushed the stroller down the hall, fumbled to find my office key in the midst of the diaper bag, my lunchbox and teaching materials. Entering my office, I set-up a make-shift changing table on my desk setting out the wipes from the diaper bag and the changing pad we received at a baby shower. I was all set.

As I began to unstrap baby, I realized that there was something vastly different from the way I had placed her in the car seat 40 minutes ago. I laid her down on the changing pad, lifted her dress to begin the diaper change process and... I experienced the "Aroma of Tacoma" x100 and a Mount Saint Helen's eruption all at the same time. WOW! I never knew poop could stink so bad and explode so many places.

Shocked, I grabbed the box of tissues on my desk, the green plastic diaper-disposal bags, and the wet wipes. I think I used about 1/2 the tissue box and most of the wet wipes to clean this giggling little girl. If I was at home, I would have just bathed her!! (I was sad that this was not an option).

The adorable dress, kick-pants, and tights were all soiled...poo up the back, coming over the sides, tucked in her leg folds, and on the tummy. It was so impressive, I wasn't even mad. I did my best to clean her up and put the "evidence" in two black-plastic garbage bags to disguise the smell. Co-workers slowly walked passed my office to see what the commotion was all about. It was embarrassing to say the least. Not to mention the poop smell that wafted down the hall and filled my office. :(

Once the poop was clean, I had to change her outfit. I dug through the diaper bag to find the back-up outfit that I had so carefully picked out about 2 months ago....2 MONTHS AGO. You guessed it...it was too small. The onesie could barely snap...but at least it was cute. The pants kinda of fit around her waist but stopped just a little below her knees...why not wear capris in the middle of winter?! EPIC FAIL!

I think it took at least 20-mintues to get her all cleaned, changed, and the put all the cleaning supplies away. (Well, so much for utilizing my office hours for actual work!!). Once I had her all cleaned up, I took her to the front of the office. I was thankful that one of the office gals took her from me for a little over 20-30 minutes and gave her a tour of the whole office (upstairs and down).

So although it was a huge stinky mess, and occurred at my place of employment, I now consider myself fully initiated into motherhood! If you are a parents, I know that you can totally relate!

THE TAME version of Mt. St. Helen's Eruption










The too small clothes from the diaper bag. 

Representing Christ

Did you know that you may be the only Bible that people see or read?

I am convicted of this very question as I respond to a variety of student emails.

How do I come across to these students? Loving? Fair? Harsh? Strict? Caring? A combination?

My heart is so invested in these students; however, my Type-A personality has a tendency to take over, overseeing that everything is done "by the book."  Is that the heart of Jesus?

As a teacher, I deal with more moral and ethical dilemmas then I ever thought possible. I certainly did not learn about this in college!

Despite my position or yours, we have to remember that we are ambassadors of Christ. This means there will be times that we need to extend grace and mercy instead of punishment or discipline.

How my heart longs to be the grace and mercy-giver; the teacher who is known for compassion over strictly following the law.

I pray for you, too, that the Spirit of the Lord will speak these words to you and show you how you might be able to better display His character; I also pray that you will learn how to be a grace and mercy-giver, just like Jesus.

Dear Lord-

Oh! How I need you every day, especially in my work. Help me show compassion, mercy, kindness and grace to the students you have entrusted me with. Help me represent you and your kingdom. Help me see things from your perspective and not my own. Above all, Lord, let YOUR will be done in my lif and in the hearts of those you have entrusted me with. Thanks you Jesus for your love, compassion, kindness, and mercy. I love you.

~Amen~