Growing a Boy: Help Me Sail

I knew it would be hard. Yet the hard has not been at all what I expected. Days crying, researching, withdrawing from the world, not knowing what to do. Most days my head feels like it is barely bobbing above the water. I gasp for air. One more wave will surely pull me under. This is not the life I imagined having yet here I am. I seek to have a heart of gratitude, to see the good in all that is around me. I also recognize in the blip of life, these moments are small but the decisions I make in these moments will leave lasting evidence and imprints on my child.

I have a disabled son.

He may not seem it to the looking world. I think that is some of the challenge. The somewhat invisible challenges are often harder for onlookers to embrace because they are not seen--they are not tangible. To be honest, it is hard for me sometimes to embrace them too (and I am his mom). 

Entering first grade, I had such hopes that our boy would thrive. He overcame so much in kindergarten that I thought without doubt he would keep propelling forward in the world of academia. A month into first grade--- road block after road block we have hit. I am left with the desperately difficult decisions-- do we keep going? Do we repeat 1st grade? Do we just "get through" this year and then move to a new school next year? On the surface (or even typing them), the decision does not seem that big. Am I overreacting? Am I hype focused on something that doesn't really matter?

But it does matter. I am his mom. I am his first advocate (along with my husband). We lean into our faith...no matter how little our faith might feel in the face of these mountains. In a moment of desperation, I purchased a necklace on Amazon. A necklace, you may be asking, what does that have to do with your struggle? The gold chain, with a circle pendant, holds a mustard seed. A small, almost unnoticeable mustard seed. If you are the believing type, you may recall the parable. A faith of a mustard seed can move mountains. That is the hope I am clinging to. If I can just hold it together, "muster up" a bit of faith, I can sail through the storm--not drown. The Hope that rests in Jesus alone is enough. He is good. In His love, He gave me my medically complex son. Truly a gift. Through my son (and many tears and toil), my faith deepens. I see God answer prayers in subtle ways. I find ways to uphold others in my community who are also struggling. In my suffering, I strive to serve. To remove my eyes from the pit in front of me and look up and look around. What beauty to behold. Just in this past week, I have seen not one but TWO double rainbows--at just the right time. A visible reminder of God's love and promises to me. What joy and hope. In this past week, a dear friends sent me and unexpected "just because" "I'm thinking of you" gift. Wow! God does see and hear the deep longings of my heart. 

I recognize we are all suffering in some way. We are all facing hardships of varying kinds. I am not alone. I try to fix my eyes on the author of my faith, share my struggles with others, see the struggles of others and cling to my mustard seed of faith. God will work out the details. I simply hold my hands open and up. I surrender, Lord. I give you my little faith, my tears, my toil, my deep pain. Prevent me from drowning. Instead help me sail.

Growing in Faith: Flavorless

After a sales interaction, have you ever walked away with a bad taste in your mouth, so to speak? Something about the interaction just didn't "sit right" with you. You leave feeling perplexed, maybe even slightly frustrated, unsettled, unsatisfied or angry despite purchasing the object you intended to purchase. 

Sometimes as believers, we "taste" like this...we lose our flavor, lose our focus, and as a result can turn people FROM the Gospel instead of towards it. We grumble and complain, critique or argue. We act grumpy, lash out in anger or make events in our life seem so daunting...all. of. the. time. We forget the blessing of our relationship with Jesus. We turn from gratitude.

In Matthew 5:13, Jesus describes us as "salt." Salt had a very important function in Jesus' day: food preservation/prevention of decay and brought out the flavor within food (among other purposes).

The Bible says:

Colossians 4:6 - Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.

Mark 9:50 - Salt is good, but if the salt has lost its saltiness, how will you make it salty again? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with one another.”

As believers, we are called to help prevent decay and immorality in our world, our spheres of influence. We are to bring an important "flavor" or a way of living that promotes life. Our lives are to point TO Jesus by how we respond and engage with our community.

I ask, have you lost your "flavor?" Are you striving towards peace and graciousness within your relationships: marriage, family, friends, neighbors? 

As we continue our transformation into Christ's likeness, let us strive towards "salty speech." Let our lives be reflections of God's graciousness towards us and extend that grace to others. Let our lives be a place where others find rest, where others can come for healing from the decay of this world...a respite. Practice "eating" the Fruit of the Spirit (Love; Joy; Peace; Patience; Kindness; Goodness; Faithfulness; Gentleness; Self-control). Practice being "pouring out" like salt.

You and your world will be better for it.

Enjoy your Tuesday.

~B~

Growing in Faith: Drop it, okay

 You are right in the middle of work (providing for your family, caring for employees and customers). A man walks up to your desk and says, "Follow me and I will make you fishers of men." (Matt. 4:19)

Would you immediately leave your workspace and go? ...without texting, posting, calling anyone. Just go? It amazes me in this passage (Matt 4: 18-22) that these fishermen, Simon-Peter and brother Andrew (then later James and his brother John) do just that. They don't bother cleaning up. They don't stop to tell their boss, co-workers or family where they were going. They don't stop to tell their neighboring fishermen. They just respond. Why? Christ was just THAT important (Matt. 4:20). 

I wrestle with this a little because part of me feels like they have "left their mess" for others to clean up (such as their nets and fishing gear left littering the shore) (or maybe this is the mother in me who is constantly clean up after my littles) yet on the other hand...what great examples of deep faith and faith in action. They recognized Jesus' game plan:

A command: Follow me

A purpose: Become a disciple

A direction: "fish" for men (bring others into His Kingdom

In this new year and new season, what is Jesus calling you to leave behind? Are you willing to yield and surrender to His greater good upon your behalf? Change is hard! For me, I often weight my options, make a spreadsheet, and seek outside counsel, yet...yet when God calls (and calls clearly and directly), it is sin not to obey. So today, I encourage you to respond to God! Stop wavering back and forth. Stop playing the "what-if" scenario game in your mind. Stop posting on social media for confirmation. What God has for you is GOOD! Do you believe it? If you do, then what are you waiting for? Respond in faith. Follow Him, become His disciple and bring others into the Kingdom because of your obedience to Him. It is hard, but when God calls you, He always--ALWAYS makes a way. Trust and believe. It is always worth it.

Blessings-

~B~

Growing a boy: Knowing the difference

Learning new things is good, right. (I say this as I laugh). It has been a long time since I have had to study something and then be "tested" on it. This is how I feel as I learn about parenting Oliver in a new way.

My alarm went off this morning as these thoughts challenged me regarding having a child with sensory sensitivity....

What is the difference between:

• discipline vs. redirection (do you disciple? how...without evoking triggers & without going to the extreme of not disciplining)
• "terrible twos" vs. a child with sensory challenges
• tantrums vs. meltdowns

Other questions:

• How do you parent three young kids (16 and 15 months apart in age) with one of the three requiring "different" parenting. How do you handle the appearance of "special treatment" or special privilege among the three kids? 
• With regard to boundaries and expectations: what is Oliver really capable of? We have a raised bar of exception for our children. Do we need to adjust them without labeling or holding back our son? 
• How do we talk about Oliver's challenges without labeling or restricting what he can do? What words do we use to describe Oliver (or do we need to describe him at all? ..surrendering the need to justify the way God made him).
•  What tools can we use to prevent "craziness" at pick-ups or after church service or while checking out books at the library or buying groceries in the store?
• What tools are there for me to emotionally cope as our son has a tantrum/meltdown and is running away from me screaming and not listening?

These are questions that we are seeking answers for. We know there is no manual or easy answer, but, if this is our new reality, how can we succeed, doing the best for Oliver, for our other two kids, for our marriage, parenting and community? So I end this blog with these questions, desiring to honor God in all we do as we embrace this sweet child that God created and made live.

Growing a boy: Today was an "opportunity"

....yes, an opportunity. I am striving to refrain from calling it a setback or hindrance or a difficulty. I am in the process of re-framing my mind to seek joy and gratitude above all else.

The opportunities today were:

• Trust God
• Be vulnerable (crying in about three or four different conversations...I mean the  not pretty, ugly cry)
• Remind myself of my true identity in Christ
• To believe in my kid(s)...NO MATTER WHAT their actions may display
• PRAY (like crazy)
• Seek support

I am sure there were many more opportunities in my day as I cared for Oliver and the other two. It was an "opportunity" type of day. Not many days lead me to tears but today, I finally broke. At school drop off when a staff member asked how I was....I just started to cry. When I picked up our oldest and Oliver was "being Oliver" I just about lost my mind...no really. I fought back tears the whole way home (about a 25 min drive!). It was a tough day. The emotional build up from Monday and this icky sickness that is clouding my mind, making it foggy, just put me over the edge.  I know there will be hard days. I know there will be huge successes. And above all, I know that God is in them all. He has put me here to bring Him glory. He has made me Oliver's mom to refine me and draw me closer to Him. He has allowed these circumstances so that I can encourage others who share similar stories. This is all good...but today, I faced many opportunities. :)

OSH was so cute today. I gave him a purple rice "heat" pack, thing (weighted). He carried it around all morning calling it his "dinosaur." It was pretty adorable. Someone had sent the rice pack to Oliver's NICU room in Seattle as a gift for me, to help with the healing of my c-section. It is amazing that Oliver is now in possession of this precious and useful gift. A perfect picture of God's foresight. He wore is glasses all morning (with the tape on the inside of each lens) without taking them off! Huge success! He did pretty good at walking up and down the stairs today alternating feet (working in his bilateral coordination and strength). Reflecting on these things, it was a good day.

Why is it that it is so easy to focus so much on the bad or the hard? Dwelling on what could have or should have been? Or on the things that we simply just cannot handle?! But God is so good as He shows us His tender love as we process through these big and small events, reminding us that our identity is not in our circumstances. It is not in what has happened to me (or those around us). We should solely fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith. In that, our circumstances look different. In light of spending eternity with God, these "opportunity-type days" are just that....an opportunity to put into practice all that God is calling us (me) to be, all He is and has taught us....We are His beloved. Loved by our Creator despite what is/has happened. It is an opportunity to extend to ourselves the Grace the Jesus extends to us....to accept it, believe it.

So yes, today was an "opportunity-type-day," but in today, I saw/felt so much love extended to me as I poured out my heart to others, sought prayer and was reminded of my real idenity in Christ. What a blessing to have a compassionate community who loves Jesus and each other.

Praise be to God!

Growing a boy: Embracing & Processing my "sensory kid"

Oliver had a PT and an eye appointment today. He walked around most of the day with his ear muffs on and the eye doctor put tape on the lens of his glasses to help his eyes from turning in (a vision therapy tactic). I have not even asked Tyler how the PT appointment went this morning (maybe out of fear or simply being more overwhelmed than I already am).

I take pause. Sit with my Bible and allow God to wash over me. He reminded me of all the precious words He spoke to me on Oliver's birthday and within the first month of Oliver's life.

• "I giveth and I taketh away. You have to be okay with that."
• Only I (God) am control of life or death.
• Why not you? Why should you be exempt from suffering in this world?

These phrases sit close to my heart today. They take me back to the minutes, hours and days after Oliver's birth. They remind me of God's faithfulness, His peace, during those times. He KNOWS Oliver! He was good enough to show us, just a mere two days ago, another aspect of this amazing human HE has made...He made Oliver JUST for OUR family. This means that God also made me to be Oliver's mom. What an honor and privilege.

My mind wants to take over and dive deep into learning about sensory processing, sensory toys and other tools/techniques. (Not bad things). But today I am reminded that God....GOD....God is enough. Nothing more or nothing less. It is an example (I think) of what is recorded in the book of Matthew, "blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." (5:4). I need the Lord's comfort today as I process this news of Oliver being a "sensory kid" or "on the scale". (why are these labels so icky to me? What do/can I say instead?!). The "new and shiny" excitement of learning this news has quickly worn off. In some ways I feel devastated yet in others I still hold onto hope (JESUS) for this sweet miracle toddler who was given less than 1% chance of survival at birth. You can't see it, but tears well my eyes as I type. I need the Lord's comfort.

I am forever grateful for April 2, April 5, April 13, April 30. These dates are HUGE milestones in OSH's life (birth, surgery, breathing tube removal and his first homecoming). In May, I wrote a blog "Growing a boy: I'm not celebrating" which ended the first chapter of my processing of Oliver's birth and the first two years of his life. We are now moving into Chapter 2 (or maybe it should be section two). Anyhow, I am SO thankful to have processed much of the first two years of Oliver's life, then had a moment's pause-- a wonderful and pleasurable summer of very few therapy appointments and savoring our new backyard. Now, it seems, we are jumping back into another season of challenge that pushes me/us to rest and trust in the Lord. I pray I can keep this in perspective, process quickly (yet appropriately) and not hinder our other two, older children. I pray I will not become obsessed with this discovery of Oliver's sensory challenges or talk about it/focus on it too much. I pray that I can give GLORY where GLORY is due--that I can share God's faithfulness in the midst of this struggle. I pray that God will remain the forefront of my mind and heart---with every up and coming decision we have to make. I am thankful once again for an incredible medical team who listens to us, takes our obervations seriously and does not judge. I continue to thank the Lord above for each of you who join us in the journey as you pray for us and reach out to us. (With tears **again** in my eyes, I type--- GOD IS SO GOOD! Despite anything and everything my salvation and hope rest in Him! I pray the same for you in your life's struggle. Trust that God is FOR you and if God is for you....who can be against you (Romans 8:31).

Maranath.

Growing a boy: Exploring Sensory

Hello All- As you can imagine, my mind is flooded since yesterday's discovery as I slowly put pieces together regarding Oliver's (possible) sensory stuff.

I have a MILLION questions: "are sensory bins really needed? Why do they help? How do they help? Should OSH wear his ear muffs all of the time? Am I enabling him or creating a dependency for them instead of allowing him to learn how to "cope" with the world around him? (And the list goes on!) I am learning that there is no "user manual" or step-by-step instructions but rather 1) seeking the Lord 2) trusting His wisdom 3) studying/observing Oliver in a new way and finally, 4) trial and error. Even though I am overwhelmed today at what all of this could (and DOES) mean, God provides...and here is how:

My beloved dropped the two older kids off at school so it was just Oliver and I, palling around before my Bible study started. I had to make a quick stop at the grocery store before the meeting. Since the store just opened, and only one other car was in the parking lot, I decided not to give Oliver his ear muffs. In the store, our normal discourse occurred (on repeat, I might add), "where are we going? What's that sound? Did you see it?" (Three common questions OSH asks at least 85-hundred-million times a day (in the words of our second child). I rambled off what I saw and heard and then directed his questions back to him like I normally do. It was a fairly uneventful trip. However, at the check-out line, the woman ahead of me, who also had a young child, started to engage with Oliver. She asked him his name and how old he was. Through the conversation, it came out that she was a special education teacher who teaches "sensory kids." WHAT!?! What providence it that!?! I reached out for her and told her that I needed her input on this recent discovery. We then chatted in the parking lot (while Oliver wiggled and squirmed in my arms). She "KNEW" my son! This (sensory whatever-he-has-thing) is REAL! She said, I bet he loved being outside more than inside. YES! She gave some examples of tools she has used with kids. She affirmed the use of ear muffs whenever he might be in a situation that is loud, busy or chaotic. It was like she gave me permission to not justify Oliver or why he is wearing ear muffs or why he doesn't act like a "normal" 2.5 year old. I felt excited. This is a real life thing. In addition, we have a PT appointment scheduled for tomorrow! I am hoping we can continue to learn more about Oliver.

I still have NO clue on what all of "this" means or how to help Oliver, but it feels so great knowing that I AM a good parent! That Oliver is just not "acting out." He has a real problem and now I can help him navigate towards a solution (or solutions). For me, really, this is life changing! I no longer have to feel embarrassed about his outbursts or his intense personality. I don't have to make excuses for him or explain his whole birth story to prove the point that "he has just gone through a lot." Yes, Oliver HAS gone through a lot but I am so thankful that he is alive. He displays God's character is so many ways. It is my privilege to teach him how to emphasize those amazing attributes. I am blessed ... SO BLESSED... by all of your loving feedback, prayers, ideas, podcasts, and acknowledgement. This new discovery has taken a huge mental toll but I know that we are not alone in this! Keep your advice and resources coming! And please pray for us! I fight the thoughts that I am just "making this up" or "making a bigger deal out of this then I need to." 

I am so, so grateful for every one!

Getting healthy: Stop Comparing

I did it!! I stepped onto the scale. To be honest, I was a little nervous at first, not knowing what to expect but I figured that I need a baseline, right?! (And we allllll know that the scales at the doctor's office always add least 7-10 pounds, right? So my weight from last week's visit didn't "really" count).

I am not as far off as I thought I was but the hard facts, the number...well, they never lie.

Three days strong now...on my path to becoming healthy. I had many food successes yesterday and had a lot of inner-battles surrounding the snack drawer but overall, I am very pleased. I also had only two cups of coffee, one of which was DECAF! Yes, you read that right...can you believe it? Movement successes abounded yesterday & today too...I chased my kids, danced more when I played music. jogged on the treadmill this morning and found my fitbit (which is still not charged...on my list to do today). Spiritually: still trying to figure this one out. Maybe I should start by finding 10-15 minutes per day to just pray, maybe read? This goal seems doable.


HONEST CONFESSION:

I want to preface that this blog is (hopefully) not (seen as) a platform of my complaints, but rather encouragement for you and me for the sake of growth & for my personal accountablity (which, by the way is working!).

The start of this journey (months back) was rough. I saw other moms with two, three kids or more, looking fabulous. I was jealous. I did not have the time (what I am finding now it was really lack of motivation), to get my "smokin'-hot-momma body" back--(which by the way, at no point in my life have I actually, truthfully saw myself this way). I was comparing.

This journey is not about comparison.

It is rejoicing in the successes of others (and for myself, rejoicing in the small victories like drinking water with every meal yesterday) and realizing that we ALL have some type or insecurity/struggle--be it our physical health, our marriages, finances, balancing our work, traumatic birth experiences, loss of loved ones, complicated child/adulthoods or the pesky hair that grows on our chins (did I really just type that!?!). There is always something we want to strive towards changing yet we often forget to CELEBRATE the good stuff that is happening. So let us stop comparing. Lets start celebrating! (OH---sounds like a great party theme!).

Months back, I found find myself thinking that I was not good enough, strong enough or that somehow others have it figured out way better than I did (motherhood, working out, meal prep, ect.). But these thoughts are all false. I caution you: do not fall into this spirit of comparison...it will only hurt you deeply and take your eyes off all of the glorious things you are, you have and you do.

When I take a step back from my, "I am so alone, no one likes me and understands what I have gone through" mindset, I realize that who ever is reading this right now is dealing with something---maybe to the same degree, maybe more, maybe less, maybe something entirely different...regardless, we are all doing the best that we can do.

It is NOT about comparison. It is about encouragement!

A few weeks ago a friend suggested that we join a gym together. The first thought was, "Oh, no, she will now really see just how out of shape I am." This mindset has been with me since junior high or maybe even before: never show weakness, push through, fake it until you make it. I am glad I realized this about myself. It is okay to be weak (I said it!) in some areas...this is an opportunity to grow, improve and ENJOY the process. And enjoying it I have (at least on day three). :)

I hope this blog empowers you to enjoy where you are and moves you towards where you want to be. Until the next post!

Getting Healthy: It's 5 am

My motherhood duties beckon me this morning at 5am. Not much sleep for the weary here. I comfort my youngest with a cozy blanket, a sippy cup of water in his crib and two rounds of "Twinkle Twinkle." Hoping to get at least another hour of sleep, I sneak back into bed with a heavy, sleeping husband who arrived home just two hours prior. Not being able to sleep next to his "deep sleep," I decide to take the treadmill for a whirl. Thanks for encouragement from Ray-Mau ;) I FINALLY listened to a saved podcast from three weeks ago!!!

My twenty-minute treadmill "speed" walk ended with my 4.5 year old startling me as she walked into my workout. It's now 5:40am and all three of my children are up....what is wrong with this!?! They used to sleep until 7am!! Seriously, can someone tell me if this is normal...I mean really...is it? Momma thought 5am would be a "safe" time to have some alone time. I am letting my 2 year old babble in his crib; I hear my 3 year old moving around in his bedroom but I DARE NOT check on him or game over; I sent my 4.5 year old back to her room for at least another 20-25 minute.

What I am doing is important. It is not only important for me but for my children as well. They need me to be healthy as much as I need me to be healthy. I am learning to be okay with this. I need to advocate for myself within my family so that I can be healthy.

FOCUS-- okay. So as I was walking I also realized that my "getting healthy" is trifold:

1. Spiritual Health
2. Emotional Health
3. Physical Health

For me, these areas are very much interconnected. Since the fall of 2018 I have been lacking in my spiritual health, unable to find a Bible Study or connection group that my little-ducklings can also be well taken care of while I am fed. I have not gotten into a routine at home that is sustainable yet I do teach my children daily about Jesus...for the next month we are focusing on the Fruit of the Spirit through song, craft and service. I guess in a way I am being feed through these activities. It just looks different from what I want it to me. (I am looking for suggestions, though....always! of a solid connection group I can join).

I am thankful I am once again emotionally healthy-ish after the last two years of dealing my "trauma-birth-brain."

And my physical health, point number three, which will be the main focus of this blog series with touches of the other two areas. I am so excited that I now have the mental space to be able to take care of myself and recognize my three "needs" areas.

BRASS TACKS:
Successes so far (okay, it has only been about 24-ish hours since making this declaration of getting healthy, but small successes compile to achieve the WHOLE goal!):

• I did two short workout videos yesterday (& my arms are now sore--VICTORY) and I did a treadmill walk this morning...maybe I can sneak a "goodnight" walk into my schedule 10 minutes before I go to bed!
• I ate soooo many veggies yesterday! I still have a VERY painful tooth so the thought of crunching veggies or consuming cold, juicy baby tomatoes is terrifying. BUT I did it....cucumber "sticks" YUM, sliced baby tomatoes in hummus, carrot chips---much easier to crunch.
• I drank water! After afternoon "rest time" (ha!), during dinner and during the Grey's Anatomy season finale. I love my water bottle. That makes drinking fun.

Facing today (well the rest of it):

• Limiting carbs (like unneeded crackers while my kids are snacking)
• Limiting extra dairy (sneaks of cheese slices)
• MORE veggies and MORE water

Okay, it is now 6:15am. I can no longer hold back the forces. Time to wakey-wake.

I hope you feel encouraged today too!


 

Sabbath Summer: OH NO! My phone is full!

"PRAISE THE LORD! My phone's memory is full!"

When I started this Sabbath Summer journey in May, those certainly were not words you would have heard coming out of my mouth but almost three months later I find it to be a joy that my phone's memory is full. And here is why:

Prior to this journey many people would often comment on how much I would post on social media and my craze for always having to capture the moment on camera. It's true. My husband, who is not on social media, would also frequently comment that everyone knows so much about our lives that it left little room for actually "catching up." I mean, why would you need to catch up if your whole life is on display for everyone to witness and in the front row at that! Convicted by this and the growing evil in the world, the momma bear came out in me. First and foremost I want to protect my children. Next, I wanted to cultivate deep, authentic relationships which would happen face-to-face instead of screen-to-screen.

I started by first deleting the offending phone app (I am sure you can all guess what that is). From there, I stopped posting all together for a period of time and made a pact to myself to only log-on when at an actual computer. It worked! Next, I decided to put my phone down. Instead of being known as the one who instantly returns text messages, I found that I would have 7, 8 or even 9 or more unread messages at the nights end. I saw this as a victory.

With my children, I also began to think about them as young grade schoolers. Did they give me permission to post their lives so publicly for the world to see? Is it an invasion of THEIR privacy in which I have spoken for them by making a decision that it was okay to be so open with so many strangers about THEIR lives? With the increase in child-trafficking, I want to leave little room for someone to go after my three precious littles when so much information is already easily available (and some of it from me!!). How scary!

Not to mention the vast amount pictures and videos I have accumulated. I create family "year" books and even at that there are SO many pictures I max out the page numbers AND picture limit every year. I found that I often remember the picture of an event before I remember the actual event. I would like this to change. This has been a hard one for me and a habit/mind-set that I have had for almost two decades. Yet, with a full phone memory, it helps me stay present and embrace the ordinary making is permanent in my mind rather than a picture.

I recently read an article about a teacher who posed the journal prompt, "I don't like cell phones because...." The results were sad, convicting and eye opening. Her grade school students made comments like, "I wish phones were never invented." "My parents care more about their phones than me." "Phones are more important than I will ever be." WOW! Is this the generation that we are creating? Are these the feelings we are making our children have by being a phone-obsessed generation? I want to choose different for my children. Tonight I asked my daughter this, "Does mommy spend too much or not even time on her phone?" In the same feeling as the children above, she said, "too much mommy." Even with a valiant attempt, I am still on or near my phone too much. I am so glad my 4-year, in her honesty, told me how she felt. It is a reminder of the greater thing in life--relationship. One day my daughter (and my sons for that matter!) will be grown, having her own friends, hopefully in college, and  working. She may be married. She might even move out of the state...so WHAT AM I DOING!?! Wasting theses precious moments in time tied to a "meaningless" device that brings great separation between me and those I love the most. Please, do not mishear me. I think phones are fantastic! I love snapping pictures, calling, connecting through messaging/FaceTime and even the ability to do a quick web-search. Brilliant...but when phones take the place of (or overshadow) important relationships and being present then this inanimate object has GOT to take the backseat.

Obviously, I still have a ways to go in this area (as convicting as my daughter's response was!). Yet today, victory! My phone's memory is full. If you asked those you love the same question, what would their response be?

Growing a boy: Invitation and Response

I received an invitation today. I pondered it swiftly. Reflected on it briefly and then....I responded. I wish I would have taken a moment of prayer, a sigh inviting Jesus to control my emotions. I did not.

In the moment, I allowed the situation to over take me, to alter my otherwise relaxing moment. I was inconvenienced, stressed. I took on the weight of the conversation as if it were life and death. My mind went to the worst case scenarios, my own failures and how, at some level, it was all "my" fault.

Yet the psalmist writes, "So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory." (Psalm 63:2) And in that place, in the inner most sanctuary of the Lord, there is peace, rest, resolve and hope.

The news, the invitation in which I could choose my response: our son is not progressing in physical therapy and now needs a hip x-ray as well as increased PT appointments...JUST when life seems to be under control, manageable and almost fun with three toddlers. BUT--- does this new diagnosis need to change that? No.

My kids are still the same. Nothing really changed from yesterday to today yet my perspective somehow shifted to this place of burden and negativity...thinking, "just one more thing to squeeze into my day."

Of course, I WANT our son to be healthy. I want to give him the best opportunities available. So, I go to the Lord in prayer:

Psalm 62:1 I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from him.

Change me, Lord. Heal our son. Give me a perspective greater than mine. 

Sabbath Summer: Without Complaint

In a world of struggle, God calls us to do everything without arguing or complaining. This is a very familiar passage to me that comes from the Book of Philippians. Yet it is convicting in this season of life. It is a thought I have pondered many times but during this Sabbath Summer, God is bringing it back to my attention. 

I am struggling to know the difference between complaining verses sharing the struggle of being a mom of three toddlers among my role as a wife, teacher, volunteer and leader. The brass tacks: life is a struggle YET where is my focus? 

Am I living a life of freedom and victory which comes from Christ or living a life of struggle and strife? When I think of my life, what do I think about first? When asked, what do I offer up first? The victory and triumphs of Jesus or the hardships, challenges and struggles?

It comes down to perspective.

Growing out of a season of worry and fear of my son’s medical conditions and all that this past year has brought to us, I felt that I “had” to focus on the worst case, the “what-ifs”,” the struggles and the overwhelming reality of the situation our family faced. Perhaps it was a coping mechanism or something to shield the pain (you know, just in case something really bad happened). It became a habit. 

I may have mistaken “going deep” in relationship to mean sharing my hardships and difficulties. That my vulnerability and transparency were the means to arrive at these deeper rooted connections. I am afraid that my attempt to “go deep” was overshadowed by my “negative Nancy” mindset. I am afraid that it has turned people away, given them the wrong impression about me, my life and the work God is doing in my life. I mean, come on, who really wants to be around someone who overdramatizes their struggles and only talks about their hardships. Yet to see God working is to know about the struggles and how He provided in, through and despite the struggles. So I come back to my question: what is the difference between complaining verse sharing the realities of my days? My intent is certainly not to focus on my difficulties or be inward focused. My intent is transparency as a means to cultivate deep, meaningful, everlasting relationships in which honesty is the foundation. My intent is not to give the culturally acceptable, “I’m fine” when asked how I am but rather divulge that I am not fine, that life is hard and God is teaching me and forming me in the midst of these struggles. He is a God, not me, who brings chaos back into order. My response, surrender and submission. My response, prayerfulness. My response, attentive ears to the convicting Holy Spirit when I travel down the path of complaining.

My heart aches for the damage of friendships I have caused in this attempt to build deep relationships. Have I pushed people away by being too honest? By focusing on the hard instead of the good? Regardless of what I think the damage is/was, God is giving me a re-do. His Word says that His mercies are renewed everyday so I trust that. I ask your forgiveness and the forgiveness of the Lord. I move into a new day aware of this struggle, submitting and surrendering to God—living a life of victory instead of living a life of struggle and defeat. Who wants to join me?