Sunday, July 29, 2018

Sabbath Summer: Stuff & Friendships: The Simple and the Conflict

Mostly everyone gets it...the desire to have a simple life, simple home, uncomplicated relationships. To have never-ending peace, tight-deep connections with a few intimate friends. A life that is above all honorable to God.

The efforts of this SS have forced me to explore this idea of simplicity in an even deeper, more meaningful and practical way. At first, it started with purging my overwhelmed schedule. Summer. Summer schedule would be filled with a few things: church on Sundays, Pray and Play group twice a month on Tuesdays and our annual family Bible focused trip to Canada. Everything else was put on hold, surrendered to God, in hopes that He would renew my mind on this quest of a life of Sabbath-- a life of remaining connected to Him, seeking Him for friendships, seeking Him for scheduling meetings and ultimately seeking Him to satisfy me.

I have learned in this process a few things about my friendships and my physical stuff.

First, my physical possessions. I (and we as a family) have too much! If you have journeyed with me over the years, you will know that I have been on this journey of simplicity of my stuff for over three years. At this point, it continues. My closet is slimmed down to about 35 hangers or less and about three medium sized drawers. My shoes can fit easily by the front door (minus my few dress shoes in which I store). I have created capsule-ish wardrobes for my children in which everything pretty much matches so no matter what they pick out it matches. In the process I cut their amount of clothes in half (or more). It has also meant less laundry for me! Less picking up clothes. Less hanging clean clothes up. My hall closest is hardly overflowing now and you can actually see the back panel of our main bookshelf in our living room. Most days, I observe our life and see what toys the kids do not play with, what books they ever go to and the objects I never touch (for example, as I get ready to go out or as I cook in the kitchen). These unused items go up into the attic for an end of the week drop off. It feels good to have less. The less stuff I have, the less I have to manage, wash, organize, or trip over. Simplicity. It will always be a battle and there will always be areas to re-address but it feels great to open up the "junk" drawer and find only what I need without shifting through needless items or to jump in the shower and LOVE every product (just four of them) I use. It brings me a little peace and joy (even when the kids are banging on the door to ask me a question while I quickly scrub my hair). I want this life of peace, created by God, to be present. Eliminating my stuff has truly shown me the abundant life I have in Christ. It has shown me how much waste I create. How much I did not truly appreciate what I had and how much my physical stuff weighed me down emotionally--always on my mind--always thinking about what needed to be cleaned, picked up or organized. It has allowed our children to become more responsible for their things, caring for them, playing with them and then putting them away where they belong. It has given me a deep sense of freedom of not being attached to my things and being more connected to God and the relationships He has given me.

So, this leads into what God has been teaching me about relationships. I desire these close, intimate friendships. Those individuals I can live life with on a weekly, if not daily basis. To have lives and families intertwined. To have real, meaningful conversations about things of the Lord, struggles, victories and prayers. To have someone reach out to me instead of feeling it is most often the reverse. I was deeply pained by these things early this year, longing for such a friends so badly that I began to judge those that God had put into my life. So, at the start of SS I surrendered all relationships to the Lord. Asking Him to heal me, to show me my wrongs, my errors, seeking true healing. Then God...

Then God turned the question back on to me: Am I a good friend?

This has been a painful reflection for me and one that I still am processing. In the area of friendship, God showed me that I was striving too hard to have this ideal of close friends, in ways trying to force friendships that were not mutually beneficial.  God showed me that I placed too high of expectations on my friends, revealing to me that I desired my friends to satisfy me, not God. How wrong of me. As a result, my mind shifted to negativity. Focusing on the "bads" or the "they are nots" of these relationships rather than focusing on all that God had blessed me with within these relationships.

Friends: please forgive me!

God showed me that I didn't listen enough, that I was unwilling to be flexible. In many ways I made things more difficult than they needed to be by "sticking my ground," being almost unmovable and stubborn. Somewhere in the past year, I have stopped serving my friends and expected to be served, not remembering details or take the effort to follow up. Perhaps it was moving from the season of Oliver to moving into the season of healing from the year's events. I am not sure but somewhere along the way my mind and heart shifted. I tried to be friends with too many people. My intentions got the best of me.

I reflect on Jesus and His friendships. He indeed had His 12, yet He sought to serve them. He did not expect them to serve Him. He looked at their interests before His own. He shared His struggles and pains yet He took those pains to God and did not directly put that burden on His 12 (although He did invite them into to those times). He accepted that each of the 12 had their own lives and own worries. He was willing to allow them to live their lives and to listen to them before He shared His worries. He understood that His friends might not always be there for Him, yet God would. There is more I can say about this (and more that God has revealed...and I am not sure if I am even articulating it well) yet here it is: shouldn't I be more like Jesus? Shouldn't His example of friendship reflect my attitude towards friendships?

So 'The Question' of most of these SS findings: now that this has been revealed, what do I do with it?
  1. Seek forgiveness through confession
  2. Pray: Pray that God will show me those HE desires me to reach out to instead of trying to be all things to all people. Seeking God's motivation for connecting with (or not connecting) with people in my life.
  3. Serve: Put others first. Stop focusing on myself, my hard life, our challenges and start serving as the Holy Spirit reveals. Being willing to be inconvenienced in doing so (regardless if it is hard or not).
  4. Be Authentic: share my needs but don't dwell on them.
  5. Surrender: remembering that my life is not my own, therefore I need to daily surrender in all areas and in this Christ will be my peace, my companion, my satisfaction. He will fill me up.
  6. Reflect: continue to seek God in every decision: purchase, appointment, rendezvous.
 So simple in theory, right? I pray God will continue to transform me. I know that He gives me the desires of my heart and in doing so He is faithful in fulfilling those desires. So, Jesus, I leave my heart with you. I leave my desire for these deep friendships with you. I surrender.

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

Growing a boy: Taking a step

Last week was a very hard week emotionally. Learning our son is "labeled" developmentally delayed. Feeling the rush and pressure to see a bone doctor to get his hips x-rayed. To hear that our son may not walk until 18-months old. To learn we have to go to PT two times a week.

Well, God has a sense of humor.

At the end of the week, as I cleaned up dinner our son "crawl-hopped" into the kitchen. My husband was working late so it was me and the three kiddos. I have been working on leading him as he walks, holding onto both of his hands loosely. I was in the corner of the kitchen picking up the colorful potholder I used to retrieve the fish, dinner, from the oven. I was waving the colorful pot holder in one hand and my son's hand loosely in the other. He pulled his hand away. He stood for a few seconds (his normal) and then.....AND THEN! He took two steps!!

"OH  MY GOSH!!" OH MY GOSH!!" "REALLY?!?!?!" "OH MY GOSH!!" is all I could say.

Of course, no one was there to see the AMAZING event but me. It was a gift. I felt God surrounding me and the angels in heaven cheering. Victory. God knew how much I needed to see this.

He has since, not taken a step on his own (maybe a 1/2 step) but I SAW IT! With my own eyes! My son CAN walk! At 15-months old he took his first. This is bigger than anything I could have asked! Even if he really does not walk until 16, 17 or 18 months, I know that he can! God proved that to me! (And so did Oliver!).

God is SO faithful to us and when we need it the most, He gives us these amazing gifts.

Thank you God for blessing this momma's heart in such an incredible and amazing way. Praise be to God.

Thursday, July 19, 2018

Growing a boy: Balancing Needs

Nothing went right this morning. Our voices were aggressive, our minds reeling, our emotions swirling. It started to sprinkle, the coffee shop we went to as a family was closed for renovations and we ended up taking all 5 of us to Oliver's (somewhat unnecessary) appointment...mind you after he did not get a morning nap AND during lunchtime (in which we failed at packing the kids proper food...thankful I grabbed a few carrots, oranges and cheese sticks on the way out the door!).

It is not emergent, not even "super" urgent but certainly necessary to get answers....our son's hip x-ray. Thankfully, even before we stepped into the doctor's office, the x-ray was already ordered (a referral is required from his primary care doctor) and our visit was quick, not even seeing the doctor. We should be receiving a call tomorrow or Monday from the orthopedic doctor to schedule this required x-ray.

In the meantime, we are making room in our schedule for every Saturday pool physical therapy. Yes, pool therapy and clinic therapy...every week.

******
I sit here while all three kids sleep, eating leftover salad from last nights dinner out of the large metal salad bowl (why dirty another dish, right?). Looking outside-in, this really does not seem like that big of a deal..."Really? You just need an x-ray and PT one to two times a week? What is the big deal?" If it was someone else, I might not see or understand the implication of this...the shuffling of schedules, the developmental delays of our son, the emotions/feelings from the 15-month journey to the stress of not knowing when/if our son will be able to walk or how well he might be able to walk. It is scary. It is stressful. There are many unknowns. How do we balance his needs with the needs of our other two? I feel like we either focus completely on him or completely focus on the needs of the "bigs." Where is the balance?

Like a recent Sabbath Summer post, it requires patience and time. I read the first part of Psalm 18 this afternoon. I was reassured that God indeed hears us when we pray AND he will defend us, protect us, led us, give us what we need and show us His faithfulness. So God, please show up, like you have in the past. May our hearts continue to strive towards you. Be in our marriage, in our relationships with all three of our kids, in both of our jobs, in our friendships. God, we need you and can't do this without you. Amen

Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Growing a boy: Invitation and Response

I received an invitation today. I pondered it swiftly. Reflected on it briefly and then....I responded. I wish I would have taken a moment of prayer, a sigh inviting Jesus to control my emotions. I did not.

In the moment, I allowed the situation to over take me, to alter my otherwise relaxing moment. I was inconvenienced, stressed. I took on the weight of the conversation as if it were life and death. My mind went to the worst case scenarios, my own failures and how, at some level, it was all "my" fault.


Yet the psalmist writes, "So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory." (Psalm 63:2) And in that place, in the inner most sanctuary of the Lord, there is peace, rest, resolve and hope.


The news, the invitation in which I could choose my response: our son is not progressing in physical therapy and now needs a hip x-ray as well as increased PT appointments...JUST when life seems to be under control, manageable and almost fun with three toddlers. BUT--- does this new diagnosis need to change that? No.


My kids are still the same. Nothing really changed from yesterday to today yet my perspective somehow shifted to this place of burden and negativity...thinking, "just one more thing to squeeze into my day."


Of course, I WANT our son to be healthy. I want to give him the best opportunities available. So, I go to the Lord in prayer:



Psalm 62:1 I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from him.

Change me, Lord. Heal our son. Give me a perspective greater than mine. 

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Sabbath Summer: Without Complaint


In a world of struggle, God calls us to do everything without arguing or complaining. This is a very familiar passage to me that comes from the Book of Philippians. Yet it is convicting in this season of life. It is a thought I have pondered many times but during this Sabbath Summer, God is bringing it back to my attention. 

I am struggling to know the difference between complaining verses sharing the struggle of being a mom of three toddlers among my role as a wife, teacher, volunteer and leader. The brass tacks: life is a struggle YET where is my focus? 

Am I living a life of freedom and victory which comes from Christ or living a life of struggle and strife? When I think of my life, what do I think about first? When asked, what do I offer up first? The victory and triumphs of Jesus or the hardships, challenges and struggles?
It comes down to perspective.

Growing out of a season of worry and fear of my son’s medical conditions and all that this past year has brought to us, I felt that I “had” to focus on the worst case, the “what-ifs”,” the struggles and the overwhelming reality of the situation our family faced. Perhaps it was a coping mechanism or something to shield the pain (you know, just in case something really bad happened). It became a habit. 

I may have mistaken “going deep” in relationship to mean sharing my hardships and difficulties. That my vulnerability and transparency were the means to arrive at these deeper rooted connections. I am afraid that my attempt to “go deep” was overshadowed by my “negative Nancy” mindset. I am afraid that it has turned people away, given them the wrong impression about me, my life and the work God is doing in my life. I mean, come on, who really wants to be around someone who overdramatizes their struggles and only talks about their hardships. Yet to see God working is to know about the struggles and how He provided in, through and despite the struggles. So I come back to my question: what is the difference between complaining verse sharing the realities of my days? My intent is certainly not to focus on my difficulties or be inward focused. My intent is transparency as a means to cultivate deep, meaningful, everlasting relationships in which honesty is the foundation. My intent is not to give the culturally acceptable, “I’m fine” when asked how I am but rather divulge that I am not fine, that life is hard and God is teaching me and forming me in the midst of these struggles. He is a God, not me, who brings chaos back into order. My response, surrender and submission. My response, prayerfulness. My response, attentive ears to the convicting Holy Spirit when I travel down the path of complaining.

My heart aches for the damage of friendships I have caused in this attempt to build deep relationships. Have I pushed people away by being too honest? By focusing on the hard instead of the good? Regardless of what I think the damage is/was, God is giving me a re-do. His Word says that His mercies are renewed everyday so I trust that. I ask your forgiveness and the forgiveness of the Lord. I move into a new day aware of this struggle, submitting and surrendering to God—living a life of victory instead of living a life of struggle and defeat. Who wants to join me?

Monday, July 9, 2018

Growing a boy: Fitful Screams

Our sweet, sweet little miracle. He is a fighter, that is for sure! One of the reasons I know he is alive is this fiery spirit God has given him. Most days, I am thankful for this, remembering that the outcome could have been vastly different than the day to day we struggle through now but that does not negate the fact that is is hard and very emotional to have a "spirited" 15-month old.


He gets so worked up and angry when his bottle is finished, throwing it to the floor or across the room. Need a diaper change? Well, if you interrupt his play time you certainly will hear his loud cries from down the street. That toy he stole from his sibling and needs returning? It comes at the cost of a 10-15 minute tantrum in the middle of the living room. In a new place, traveling, and out of routine? Be prepared for fitful screams, kicking feet, constant holding and a bright red-faced boy whose lungs are working very well.

Is it worth it? Yes (I say with hesitance in my voice). It might not be convenient but I know that in the long term it is for the best.

I know that it is nothing I have cause. (As a mother, I first want to blame myself for the way he is....what could I have done differently to help him? Did I do something to cause this behavior?). I find myself emotional, crying at times, most likely out of pure exhaustion more than anything. The screaming gets tiring and the patience gets thin. As a result of his anger, I can be short with my other two children, my friends and even my darling husband. What example/attitude am I leaving for my other children? What do they see and hear? How are they now responding to each other due to my responses towards this anger?


I cannot change him. They are his emotions. He is a little human after all. I can take care of his basic needs with great love but I must surrender. Only God change change him. I must stop making excuses for him, "oh, well, he is just tired." "It is probably teething." "He is just a little off his schedule." It is some times easier to make these excuses than explain my emotions and what is really going on.

I can change my response.

Better yet, I can ask God to change my heart, change him, change the situation.

I must seek wisdom from the Lord, resting in Him, knowing that God wanted ME...yes...ME to be the mother of this little boy. God knew that I would either: 1) be able to "handle" this little boy or 2) this little boy would cause me to press deeper into him. (In my weakness, Christ is made strong). The Bible tells us to do everything with great love, not seeking my own advantage but that of many so that they would be saved through the life of Christ.

So, my new response: accepting the freedom in Christ, trust, hope. I must stop blaming myself for enabling his anger or somehow creating his anger. I must seek God for wisdom and a godly rest (which can only be truly found in Him). In Him, there is renewal.

Thursday, July 5, 2018

Growing TWO boys: What is a gentleman

I have two boy, 15-months apart. Wow, huh? It sometimes even surprises me. As these boys get older, I desire to teach them how to be gentlemen. This looks vastly different (in some ways) than it use to look but regardless, I began a small-ish list of things I want to teach my boys. What am I missing? Can this really be achieved? I'm interested in your thoughts.

A Gentleman (in no particular order):
  • To have fun but not at the expense of others
  • Stands by his word: his yes is yes and his no is no.
  • Knows that no means no
  • Lets ladies go first: holds open doors, offers his seat, allows her to order at a restaurant first, considers the needs of others above his own
  • Is willing to be/go last to allow others to go ahead of him 
  • Makes decisions confidently and with much thought
  • Is honest, truthful--not leading other on
  • In conversation: Asks interesting questions, learns how to listen without interruption
  • Gives eye contact when speaking or when being spoken to
  • Understands (and executes) being well-groomed/taking care of appearance
  • Knows how to cook and conduct normal household chores
  • At the table: knows table manners, says please and thank you, allows the women to be seated first
  • Pays attention to the small details
  • Is friendly and respectful to everyone
  • Recognizes that character is more favorable than position
  • Knows how to offer an introduction in social settings
  • Can critically think/problem solve 
  • Excuses himself from a table/social setting to blow his nose or take a phone call
  • Takes care of what he owns: appreciates it, fixes it, puts it away
  • Offers to help those in need--whether it be to life a bag into a car or purchase a hot cup of coffee to the homeless on the street.

This list seems lofty, doesn't it? I have been thinking a lot about my boys and how I can best serve them as their momma, I want them both to be passionate and kind. To be gentle yet fierce. To be respectful and fun-loving. I want them to stand out in personality because of their thoughtfulness. Yes, these are lofty dreams for my boys. They both have such different personalities that I am not exactly sure how to even teach them these things. In all honesty, they are just 15-mo and 2 1/2 years old. I am not expecting brilliance but I do require respect. It is hard to find a balance between fun and respect, rule and joy but the more the boys follow to the basic rules, the more joy they seem to have. I delight in the challenge to help my boys become gentlemen. It is through writing lists like this, making it concrete for myself, that I can encourage them in small ways towards this end. It is an exciting and overwhelming task but as their biggest fan, I will be with them with encouragement and love every step of the away.

Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Sabbath Summer: Missing the Mark

Almost 4 years ago I birthed my first child. Of course a lot of things changed once she was born but on some level I felt as though I could still carry on as usual (well, at least after healing from my 51-hour labor which ended in a c-section!). For the first few months she was content snuggled into her car carrier or in the baby carrier next to my skin as I taught online or volunteered at the church or in the community. My level of service and involvement pretty much stayed the same.

Just 8-months after her birth, my second child was conceived. With some big scares in the first trimester, I was told to "take it easy." Well, for me, easier said then done. The remaining two trimesters were great and our first son was born exactly on his due date and as exactly as planned (wow! when does that ever happen!?!). Our family of four took some time to adjust but when our son turned 5-months old we found our stride and were "back in the game" so to speak.

Well, SURPRISE, just a few months later we found out we were having baby #3. Our kids would be 16 and 16 months apart. When we found out this news we really had to put up some boundaries. Through prayer we asked God what ministries we should put on hold and which we should remain involved with. At first is was hard to allow God to shift our desires but He did. He made it abundantly clear. We had become less busy "doing" and were in the process of learning how to "be."

Seven and a half months after we found out we were pregnant, our son was born. Yup, almost 2 months early. If you have read my previous blogs, you will know what a difficult year this has been. Well, that brings us to current.

After sitting through church service on Sunday (by the way, we has a WONDERFUL guest pastor!), God showed me some "icky" things about myself. Of course, it came during our "Sabbath Summer," just another area God is working on my heart. Here it is:

I have been missing committed service to others since having children. Some where along the way, over the last four years, my thinking shifted from serving to desiring (almost expecting) to be served especially with the challenges of our sweet baby #3 this past year. Did I really think that people "owed" us because of our son's near death experience? Did I take to the victim mentality all too quickly, expecting people to carry my burden? When did I stop engaging with others--walking life with them instead of just focusing on the hardships of my own life? (Or maybe I am just being too hard on myself?)

I missed the mark. When my focus shifted, my view on community shifted. My view on friendship shifted. "My view" became my family (rightfully so in some cases) but at the neglect of serving, knowing and loving others. This is a painful reality to accept, causing me to think of the permanent damage I may have caused in some of these relationships due to selfishness and neglect. Shame on me! It was me who pushed so many away. It was me not being grateful. It was me expecting too much from those around me.

The question that seems to always come up with the "SS" lessons: where do I go from here?

God has been faithful in showing me opportunities to dive back in to people's lives,  re-engage in service and to begin living life together again. Coming out of a very difficult season, this has taken me so much focus and intentionality. Who do I make time for? How do I clear my schedule? How do I care for the needs of others and the needs of my family? How can I learn to shift from negativity to gratitude? These are areas I am trusting the Lord will continue to work. Will you accept my apology? Will you give me grace as I work on these things? I really do desire deep, authentic relationships. It all starts with transparency and the willingness to serve. In the words of the Bible,
"For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many." Matthew 20:28

So, shouldn't I try to do the same?