Growing in Faith: Widely Complex Emotions {change}

When a season ends, we sit and we reflect. We mourn and we celebrate. We take a deep breath and pause in silence.

What next?

The Band-Aid feels like it is ripped off way too soon, but then you realize that your wounds are healing. They needed air and space so that the skin could be fully renewed.

Seasons in life are like this. What feels like “it is gone too soon” or what feels like “I can’t breathe” when a season changes, we know we are stronger than we were when we first entered the season. Many lessons have been learned. We slowly let our hand off the handrail to realize that we didn’t fall…but in case you were worried, you looked back to see your village standing behind you cheering you on.

You cry. You grieve. Your emotions are widely complex yet you know… 

YOU. ARE. ENOUGH. 

You are seen. You are loved. You, dear friend, have a purpose beyond any purpose you can see for yourself. Just being who you were created to be has left a lasting impression on those around you. You learned to show up—cry with others, pray deeply, listen more closely, and refrain from being the center of every conversation. To be at the table, known by name, is simply enough.

These widely complex emotions are valid. Sit in them. Allow yourself to feel all the feels …then...just then, when you process, cry, and grieve, look up. Know that the Father above looks upon you with deep joy, love, and kindness. You are His. He already knows where the next fork in the road will take you. Trust Him. Trust the road. Have faith that the next season will bring about a great impact on your life. It, too, will change you and heal you in unexpected ways. Lean into it. Change is hard. Change is frustrating and at times anger producing – but don’t sit there. Grieve your loss, come to an acceptance of sorts, and look forward to embrace the beautiful seasons ahead—seasons that have been predestined by the Lord, JUST. FOR. YOU. Yes, just for you.

Those in this season may find their way onto your new path once again, your new road. Welcome them. And at the same time, allow yourself to fully embrace those who walk shoulder to shoulder with you in this new season. Even if the new season is unexpected (or comes far too early), know there is a greater plan. A far greater plan than you may ever know or see. YOU. ARE. SEEN. You are seen so much that, the Creator of all, deeply cares about the widely complex emotions you are feeling. HE. WILL. HEAL. YOU. He will heal you, perhaps not in a physical way, but rather in a deep spiritual way. So let the Band-Aid be removed. Feel all of the feels. Grieve. Accept. Pray. Trust.

GOD. HAS. YOU.

He always has and He always will. Day by day your wounds are healing, your heart is transforming and your new season will change your (body, mind, and spirit) in ways that only the Creator can. Embrace it with deep passion, with deep trust, and great joy. (But it’s okay to take a moment and grieve…allow yourself to sit there for a moment, in silence, washed by the Spirit).

 

Then, move forward in great hope. You have a purpose and a gift the world desperately needs. Share it.

Growing in faith: Let this cup pass

Jesus knew He was on His way to death. He cried out to God, "My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me." Then, in recognition of God's Almighty Power, Jesus said, "Yet not as I will, but as you will." (Matt 26:39)

This passage reminded me of OSH's day of birth. On the OR table, having just had my premature, unresponsive son cut out of my belly, God directly spoke to me saying, "I giveth and I taketh away. You have to be okay with that, ok?!" 

It was a command. It was a fact. It was a reminder. It brought me comfort. Knowing only God is in control of life and death--no matter what the medial team did or did not do. No matter if the doctors and nurse did everything perfect or not. God told me that He controlled Oliver's life. 

In my Bible reading today, I was struck by Jesus' words, "Yet not as I will, but as you will." (Matt 26:39). In light of all of the recent testing and testing to come on our youngest, I will commit to praying this prayer..."Your will be done, Father, Your will be done."

As I surrender, pray, and accept, I find myself in a glorious spot. I find myself again recognizing the beautiful gift our youngest son is (all of our children for that matter). I find myself staring at him in awe of all he overcomes everyday to perform daily tasks. I am reminded that he needs a bit more patience and direction and handholding (literally and figuratively) to accomplish simple directions. I realize that perhaps I am not the best person to teach him preschool "academics" but I am his biggest advocate and resource seeker. I see that I cannot compare our family dynamic with other families in similar stages because our family must do life slightly different. 

I will pray that God will train up his mind to overcome challenges, but to pray for healing...why? He is perfect just the way God intended him to be. It was and is God's way that our son came into the world as he did. It is God's way that as parents we are refined by the "unexpected," our responses more quickly turning to God than any thing else. 

When I once had no hope, God is faithful. With a few new discoveries and possible avenues of support, I know that I can forge ahead in confidence and faith. Our "perfect" son, just as God intended him to be. I write this with a smile on my face and a joy in my heart. God is holding me fast, teaching me, and encouraging me to look beyond what is right in front, the temporal. God is so gracious to us by giving us Oliver, his "complexities" and all. Our little boy is a miracle. He is a teacher, one who teaches us daily to turn to the Creator. 

 As you will, Father, as you will.

Growing in Faith: Witnessing a miracle

Have you ever witnessed a miracle? In my time on earth I certainly have seen a few but in my passage reading today one stands out. It relates to Jesus feeding the crowd of 5,000+ and the crowd of 4,000+ (Matthew 14, 15).

In these passages of Scripture, Jesus takes a few loaves of bread and a few fish and somehow makes it MORE than enough for the people present...even leftovers. Impossible?

Years ago I attended Bible school in Canada. For nine-months I lived on an island with my fiance (and 120 other students from around the world) studying ~85% of the Bible. We participated in daily chores, housekeeping duties, grounds maintenance and once per month outreach activities. During my time there, I participated in a outreach at a local mission. We conducted music for Sunday service, helped in the food bank and on occasion served warm food to our sitting patrons. It was an incredibly humbling and enjoyable act of service. 

On one particular night, a local church was providing the hot Friday night meal--- Chinese food. Boy, it smelled delicious! The weather outside was less than ideal. Dumping rain and frigid temperatures brought in more diners than the normal 100. I forget the number now, but I think the number of people who came for a hot meal was over double than what was expected. The big question: how were we going to serve ALL of these people?

As servers, with hot food dished on paper-plates in hand, we ran back and forth from the kitchen to the seated guests. We had to inform the diners that only one plate of food could be brought out/served per customer (which was not the normal custom). There were many disappointing faces yet they understood. About half way through the night, my fiance and I went once again to check on the food supply. More and more individuals were filing in, needing a free hot meal. 

To our astonishment, the silver trays of Chinese food never when past half empty! We began to serve seconds and thirds. More and more people continued to seek refuge from the cold...AND THERE WAS ENOUGH!  Before our eyes, we witnessed a miracle! No one was "sneak cooking" or adding to the already prepared food...there literally was no more food to give. Yet God, SOMEHOW, made it enough!

To this day, I have NO IDEA how this even happened in practical terms. It literally happened before my eyes and I am still stunned. At the end of the night, there was more than enough food for ALL of the volunteers AND some food leftover as well. Amazing. 

This story reminds me that God will always provide! He does this in unexpected and surprising ways and in the end, all He asks is that we give Him glory for the work He has done.

What miracle(s) is God working on in your life right now? How might you be able to bless others because of the ways God has provided for you?

Amazing, isn't it?

Growing a boy: Today was an "opportunity"

....yes, an opportunity. I am striving to refrain from calling it a setback or hindrance or a difficulty. I am in the process of re-framing my mind to seek joy and gratitude above all else.

The opportunities today were:

• Trust God
• Be vulnerable (crying in about three or four different conversations...I mean the  not pretty, ugly cry)
• Remind myself of my true identity in Christ
• To believe in my kid(s)...NO MATTER WHAT their actions may display
• PRAY (like crazy)
• Seek support

I am sure there were many more opportunities in my day as I cared for Oliver and the other two. It was an "opportunity" type of day. Not many days lead me to tears but today, I finally broke. At school drop off when a staff member asked how I was....I just started to cry. When I picked up our oldest and Oliver was "being Oliver" I just about lost my mind...no really. I fought back tears the whole way home (about a 25 min drive!). It was a tough day. The emotional build up from Monday and this icky sickness that is clouding my mind, making it foggy, just put me over the edge.  I know there will be hard days. I know there will be huge successes. And above all, I know that God is in them all. He has put me here to bring Him glory. He has made me Oliver's mom to refine me and draw me closer to Him. He has allowed these circumstances so that I can encourage others who share similar stories. This is all good...but today, I faced many opportunities. :)

OSH was so cute today. I gave him a purple rice "heat" pack, thing (weighted). He carried it around all morning calling it his "dinosaur." It was pretty adorable. Someone had sent the rice pack to Oliver's NICU room in Seattle as a gift for me, to help with the healing of my c-section. It is amazing that Oliver is now in possession of this precious and useful gift. A perfect picture of God's foresight. He wore is glasses all morning (with the tape on the inside of each lens) without taking them off! Huge success! He did pretty good at walking up and down the stairs today alternating feet (working in his bilateral coordination and strength). Reflecting on these things, it was a good day.

Why is it that it is so easy to focus so much on the bad or the hard? Dwelling on what could have or should have been? Or on the things that we simply just cannot handle?! But God is so good as He shows us His tender love as we process through these big and small events, reminding us that our identity is not in our circumstances. It is not in what has happened to me (or those around us). We should solely fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith. In that, our circumstances look different. In light of spending eternity with God, these "opportunity-type days" are just that....an opportunity to put into practice all that God is calling us (me) to be, all He is and has taught us....We are His beloved. Loved by our Creator despite what is/has happened. It is an opportunity to extend to ourselves the Grace the Jesus extends to us....to accept it, believe it.

So yes, today was an "opportunity-type-day," but in today, I saw/felt so much love extended to me as I poured out my heart to others, sought prayer and was reminded of my real idenity in Christ. What a blessing to have a compassionate community who loves Jesus and each other.

Praise be to God!

Getting healthy: Stop Comparing

I did it!! I stepped onto the scale. To be honest, I was a little nervous at first, not knowing what to expect but I figured that I need a baseline, right?! (And we allllll know that the scales at the doctor's office always add least 7-10 pounds, right? So my weight from last week's visit didn't "really" count).

I am not as far off as I thought I was but the hard facts, the number...well, they never lie.

Three days strong now...on my path to becoming healthy. I had many food successes yesterday and had a lot of inner-battles surrounding the snack drawer but overall, I am very pleased. I also had only two cups of coffee, one of which was DECAF! Yes, you read that right...can you believe it? Movement successes abounded yesterday & today too...I chased my kids, danced more when I played music. jogged on the treadmill this morning and found my fitbit (which is still not charged...on my list to do today). Spiritually: still trying to figure this one out. Maybe I should start by finding 10-15 minutes per day to just pray, maybe read? This goal seems doable.


HONEST CONFESSION:

I want to preface that this blog is (hopefully) not (seen as) a platform of my complaints, but rather encouragement for you and me for the sake of growth & for my personal accountablity (which, by the way is working!).

The start of this journey (months back) was rough. I saw other moms with two, three kids or more, looking fabulous. I was jealous. I did not have the time (what I am finding now it was really lack of motivation), to get my "smokin'-hot-momma body" back--(which by the way, at no point in my life have I actually, truthfully saw myself this way). I was comparing.

This journey is not about comparison.

It is rejoicing in the successes of others (and for myself, rejoicing in the small victories like drinking water with every meal yesterday) and realizing that we ALL have some type or insecurity/struggle--be it our physical health, our marriages, finances, balancing our work, traumatic birth experiences, loss of loved ones, complicated child/adulthoods or the pesky hair that grows on our chins (did I really just type that!?!). There is always something we want to strive towards changing yet we often forget to CELEBRATE the good stuff that is happening. So let us stop comparing. Lets start celebrating! (OH---sounds like a great party theme!).

Months back, I found find myself thinking that I was not good enough, strong enough or that somehow others have it figured out way better than I did (motherhood, working out, meal prep, ect.). But these thoughts are all false. I caution you: do not fall into this spirit of comparison...it will only hurt you deeply and take your eyes off all of the glorious things you are, you have and you do.

When I take a step back from my, "I am so alone, no one likes me and understands what I have gone through" mindset, I realize that who ever is reading this right now is dealing with something---maybe to the same degree, maybe more, maybe less, maybe something entirely different...regardless, we are all doing the best that we can do.

It is NOT about comparison. It is about encouragement!

A few weeks ago a friend suggested that we join a gym together. The first thought was, "Oh, no, she will now really see just how out of shape I am." This mindset has been with me since junior high or maybe even before: never show weakness, push through, fake it until you make it. I am glad I realized this about myself. It is okay to be weak (I said it!) in some areas...this is an opportunity to grow, improve and ENJOY the process. And enjoying it I have (at least on day three). :)

I hope this blog empowers you to enjoy where you are and moves you towards where you want to be. Until the next post!

Getting Healthy: Just getting started

I just closed a two-year chapter/blog series titled "Growing a boy" on the challenges of dealing with a son born prematurely who was close to dead at birth. As I have finally closed that emotional chapter, finding healing in more ways than one. Now, I am ready to move on. I am starting a new chapter...a new chapter with passion, a little motivation and just a little more determination to come against my excuses. I want to be physically healthy again.

Here are the challenges:

• A husband with an irregular work schedule making it difficult to find time away from the kids to exercise. 
• I work full-time (yes it is online but it still requires a lot of my time/attention amidst kids activities and husbands schedule). Like working out, I feel like I have to squeeze my job into our already crazy/tight schedule. 
• Three children ages 4, 3, 2 who are relentless and need constant supervision. Working out with them is next to impossible without tripping over them and hurting myself (or them).
• Sleep deprivation: Even though my kids are a little "older" I am exhausted at the end of the day (to the point of being an almost angry mother at bedtime --Dear Lord, PLEASE HELP ME!). At least one of the three kids awakes during the night; the husband comes home between 1-3a (usually waking me up) and then our brood is up at 6am. I have been trying to get to bed by 9:30pm on most nights...it seems to be helping. Naps were an option but now 2 out of the three are on a nap protest (& quiet time turns into a fight...why do I EVEN TRY to have some alone time in the afternoon...okay, sometimes I just let them fuss in their room & tell them that momma needs a time out).
• Food: Let's be honest, I eat what my kids eat and snack on what they snack on. Husband is not home most nights so I end up snacking for dinner after the kids are asleep. True confession: the other night I have popcorn and ice cream for dinner. Winner winner! ;)
• Another food challenge: I don't like to cook (& don't really know how to get out of my norm and/or make food everyone in my family will eat or enjoy. I really don't want to waste my efforts...but maybe I should?).

Excuses (see above and below!):

• For the first year of our youngest son's life, I was overwhelmed, burdened and stressed (to say the least) due to his eventful (for the lack of a better word) entrance into this world. Two years ago April, I was in survival mode.
• After this first year, I told myself it was time to reclaim my health...in August 2018 actually. In doing so, I took a smoke-stack tower fall, straight over onto my left hip on our tiled kitchen floor while "trying to fit" exercise in while my youngest was contained in the highchair. After a round of physical therapy in December-February, I finally felt relief in my lower back. 
• But then, the excuse of "we just moved" crept in in November and I have stayed there until recent.

Motivations:

• I want to get healthy so that I can hike with my husband, run & play sports with my kids and enjoy the calm kayaking waters without pulling a muscle.
• I am TIRED of carrying this two-year postpartum baby weight (and wearing maternity shorts, baggy shirts and stretch pants because 1) I have them and 2) because nothing else really fits well (or comfortably).
• Exercise and wellness are legacies I want to leave for my children. I want them to see their mother working out and eating well...not for the sake of appearance but for the sake of taking care of the temple (my body) given to me by the Lord. It is my responsibility to take care of my body.
• AND....My doctor said so. Okay...I may have probed her just a little at my recent annual check-up (which has actually been TWO years) to hear her say that I need to lose weight but I guess it helped since I am writing this new blog series. Very kindly my doctor say that I am overweight....but closer to normal-overweight than obese-overweight (phew!). But the real kicker---she told me is is much harder to lose weight the older you get. Wow! I just turned 37 (seems old to me!) so I may as well shed some weight and enter into the "normal-normal" range. 

What's going for me:

• YOU! My reading audience in whom I'm hoping will encourage me in this process with easy favorite, healthy family recipes, encouragement to workout, etc.
•  Spring/Summer: In the recent sunny days, I have enjoyed pushing our youngest in the stroller while the "big kids" rode their bikes. Bonus: everyone enjoyed it especially with a destination like a play park at the end.
• My husband works night. (Yes, this is both a challenge and a "what's going for me"). I have the time after the kids go to bed to workout...now...I just need to get over my almost-anger-super-exhausted-mom persona and (as Nike says) JUST DO IT!
• I have Amazon and the internet.  I lost my 21-Day-Fix Workout videos in the move (anyone have them I could borrow?!?!) but I did find a pretty good workout program on Amazon. With the help of the internet, I have access to PLENTY of healthy food programs. I am thinking about trying the 21-Day-Fix eating plan again. I did this after my first child and lost a decent amount of weight and felt great. It was very adaptable to my food allergies too.

Plan of attack:

• I don't have one...okay, I have one kinda in my head and here it is:
• Blogging my journey for accountability (wanna join me?).
• Food prep...should I start tonight (but it is the season finale of Grey's Anatomy!).
• Exercise: Make it a goal to be active every day with two or three intention workouts per week. This I can do...I can push my kids to be a little more active: kicking a ball with them, running around the "track" in our house and going on walks.
• Simple, right? Well let's see where this one goes..... to be continued.

Growing a boy: I'm not celebrating

I am not celebrating! I have given myself permission.

After all the definition of celebrating is "acknowledging a significant or happy day or event with a social gathering or enjoyable activity."

But do all "significant" days really need to be remembered, celebrated?

No, they do not.

I am coming to terms with this.

Over the last two years with Oliver, we have had many significant events and happy moments (and a few not so happy moments). Many of these significant days, happy days even, are joined with hard moments, tough decisions and feelings of loss.

Initial, I wanted to celebrate ALL of them...the day he was transferred to Seattle Children's, his surgery day, the first day I kissed him, the first day I held him, the day his breathing tube was removed, the first holiday we were all together, his transfer day (back to Tacoma), and his homecoming day (just to name a few).  The last two April's I have remembered and recounted every detail from my initial hospitalization to everything listed above to his "fight" today. I realized that I don't need to hold on to these things, these "icky" emotions of these milestones.

I need to take the reminders off my calendar. I need to let go and be present with him and our family. For me, it is unhealthy to dwell on the hardships of his birth and months thereafter. Dwelling on these hardships did not promote healing but rather the opposite. It became my focus, shifting my mood to sadness and anxiety. It closed my eyes to the glories right in front of me (and what glories they are!).

I am not saying that it is wrong to remember...that is why I have about 3-4 Shutterfly books outlining the entire story of our boy. Isn't that enough? The timeline is outlined in such detail. Almost every day of the first two months of his life are recorded. Pictures of his first year of life are thoughtfully arranged. Because of this, my mind no longer needs to dwell on these things. I do not need to keep this information in the forefront of my mind any more (because it is already recorded!).

"Why" is the question that kept popping up in my mind...why did I feel the need to keep these moments, these milestones so close to my heart? Then I realized, putting the puzzle pieces together of my own life. When I was an infant, I had a few surgeries too: one for my back to remove some type of abnormal growth and another which enabled me to see. That is all I know. I don't know many of the details of the things that happened to my body. The technology was different when I was born too.  With many family moves, I am sure these records were lost along the way. I have lingering questions about the surgeries I had as a child. In some ways I think I have been overcompensating for the lack of knowledge of my past by trying to capture every fact, every moment and every "level"of our sweet son. Will he care about these details? I have no idea. That shouldn't be the point. As his mom, I have tried (too hard) to remember these details for him...this is a burden that I shouldn't carry anymore. The documentation is there. I have stacks of his medical records. I have a box full of important artifacts, all labeled in case he is curious and the ample supply of digital scrapbooks.

And that. is. that.

I am releasing myself from the drive to remember, this desire to want to celebrate. Instead, I CHOOSE to live NOW...to see him as he is and not how he was (despite his on going therapy). His birth should not define me or him.

It has taken two years to come to this point. It has taken many conversations, some counseling sessions, blogging and even "celebrations" to come to terms with this. It feels good. As a family, we have decided to have "family day" around the day of his surgery -- not to celebrate his surgery but to celebrate the fact that we are a family of five. We are healthy and we are together (and that is enough!).

Grief, loss and tragedy are "funny" things...no one can tell you, really, how to handle them (even if you ask, everyone has an opinion). The best thing to do is to allow yourself to go through the process, seek help, talk about it and trust your instinct on what feels right to "celebrate" and what does not. It is okay to give yourself permission not to talk about it too (not in a "I don't want to deal with it" way but rather in a "I have moved on and don't need to keep bringing it up" way). So....I **think** this concludes my blog series "Growing a boy." That is not to say, I won't every talk about this super-huge and traumatic life event again, but it is to say that I am moving on. I am healing. I have discovered new things about myself through this process. I have learned new things about God. I have learned new things about how to better serve my community because of this experience. I have a deeper understanding and sensitivity with others who have also dealt (or are dealing) with challenging events with children or family members. For all of these reasons, I am grateful for this experience. Our sweet son has allowed me to learn so much about myself and those around me and now....and now I move forward.

Thank you all for your love and support during this long, hard two year (and ongoing) adventure of parenting a preemie baby (who is now a VERY active and fierce toddler). Thank you for listening, for your words of encouragement and your practical support. Praise be to God for all He has done in our midst. A chapter closed...finally. Looking forward to the many more to come.

Maranatha. 

Growing a boy: My son was so close to death today

Today at 9am, marks two years since the life saving lung-removal operation for our son. It is an emotionally charged day. I woke up this morning anticipating that this day may be hard and recalled, "my son was so close to death today. Today, he was as good as gone." Whether that was the truth or not (since I am clearly not a medical professional but rather a heart-torn mom), those were the thoughts that crossed my mind two-years ago and remain with me. Today in church, they played the song that I heard on the radio the day I was driving down to bring our son home...tears. They played a song about the air in our lungs--which God clearly GAVE Oliver...tears. Tears being reminded of the painful moments leading up to surgery day. Tears of joy when we heard our son made it through surgery and was doing well.

On the outside, I may appear well but inside my heart is breaking and mourning. I remember almost every detail of surgery day so clearly--how I felt, the weather outside, what I wore, the "trolley" "comfort cart" that came to visit us in the waiting room during the surgery. These powerful, humbling, sad moments are still present. I remember watching the clock wondering when we would hear anything about our son's surgery progress. I remember searching for the same word over and over again in my "word search" unable to focus. Moving forward to present...

How do I reconcile this day that happened two years ago with our son's now amazing progress? Today he is happy, mostly healthy (besides the colds that rattle his chest) and meeting many of his adjusted-age milestones (besides fine motor skills).

I DO NOT want this season of his life--his amazing birth, life-saving surgery to define him, to become who he is BUT....but, it will forever be part of my journey. How do I process these events, these milestones without projecting them on him? The day I was admitted to the hospital in the end of March; the day we learned he had hydrops; the moment we were told he had 50% chance of survival; the day he was born and the horrific unknowns that were laid before us. How do I deal with days/milestones like today--surgery day-- and his upcoming "breathing day" when his breathing tube was removed and he cried for the first time? These moments are part of my journey (and his too) but I just don't know how to handle them...where to put those emotions. How do I "celebrate" them without these moments becoming our son's identity?

Over time I am sure it will get better. I certainly try not to dwell on this past history but somehow my body remembers and my mind quickly catches up. My body reacts to things like my daughter's dress I was trying to donate, which is clearly too small, but I just couldn't bring myself to donate...why? It was the dress she wore when she visited her brother for the first time two-years ago. So, the dress remains hanging in her closet. Weird and strange things like this pop-up unexpectedly. I guess it is part of the process. This season set aside, we are doing well. Outside this concentrated few months, we hardly think about the details leading up the this day. But in this season, we are brought back to the place were God did a miracle...where God heard us and answered our prayers in astounding ways. I am thankful for this hard season of reflection because how could we NOT praise God for what He did? It was only by His grace and favor that our son lives today. We were ready to accept that our son would be with Jesus but God had another plan. It is a reminder of how close were were to HIM and how HE desires us to be close with Him like that in every day, in every season and in every way. It is convicting; it is good and it is a blessing to have this day--surgery day--to point is all back the the Creator. He truly is in control of life and death and today--two years ago--He choose LIFE for our son. I will forever sing HIM praises for this and share this story of God's great love and great intervention.

Growing a boy: HE SURVIVED

With each passing year it is easy to celebrate the fact that as parents we have kept our child alive for another year. But what is so significant about celebrating our youngest is a fact that he has survived… Against all odds… another year.


Not only is he surviving, he is THRIVING! Surpassing milestones and proving every day that God has transformed his life in immeasurable ways since before his inception. 

It is easy in the season to reflect on the hardships leading up to delivery. It is still emotional but as I reflected on a walk this morning… I was reminded of just how big our God is and how he speaks to us so personally. 

Oliver‘s birthday is a memorial stone for me. A day to celebrate and rejoice friendship, community, family and a God who is so big… So unfathomable... that I just can’t help but leap for joy, raise my hands in praise and REJOICE. 

We go into this second year of life helping Oliver threw a little cold… Using the nebulizer and wondering if his lungs are OK. Wondering how his x-ray results will turn out. Questioning the use of his right leg and hand… But he is laughing, just started jumping with both feet and throws a ball more accurately than his mama ever could. He brings so much joy; making us a family of five. Together in God‘s presence. It is a joy and a privilege to continue this epic journey of parenthood to a two-year-old toddler. 

Today, (the scary day before his delivery just two years ago), I mourn but I also rejoice. It is so wonderful to be reminded of our GREAT God. We give HIM praise for the past two years and look expectantly to the future HE has for this crazy, fierce little boy.

Happy Birthday Eve, OSH.

Growing a boy: Two Years Later

Almost two years have passed since that fated day of our youngest child's birth. This time of year, March leading into April, still holds many emotions for me. I am told that the strong emotions from such a tragic event will ease with each passing year but to-date it still feels fresh.

My mind is flooded with the physical pain my body endured two-years ago (the water-balloon in my tummy that held my sick little boy). I remember the contractions, the weight of the fluid, waddling because of the weight, hardly being able to stand. I remember being admitted to the hospital for the first time: prepping my spring quarter classes from the hospital bed and the relief from the jetted bathtub in the room. I remember being discharged after receiving steroid shots for my unborn baby's lungs and the medication that was suppose to stop my heavy contractions. I remember still not knowing what was wrong with my boy.

Laying on the couch back home, coming to terms with that fact that I would most likely deliver a "NICU baby." The worst though, was the re-admission into the hospital...being told I would not leave until my baby was born (and the separation this would cause between me and my other two children). The words, "Your son has some type of birth defect but we just don't know what it is" still burn in my mind. The nurses who would have to "sit cozy" with me for an hour at a time just to get a heart reading on my son and the final decision....the words, "your son has 50/50 percent of survival." Seriously, what do you do with those words? They still effect me today. I won't even go into the emotions of when his cord was cut and his chances of survive dropped to 1% or less...oh, yeah...and the unplanned trip 45-mintues North my son took (with daddy) via ambulance while I had to stay put and the decision to cut open my son's chest at day 5 as a "last ditch effort to save him." I just can't go there right now.

Nothing about that time two years ago was easy. Yes, I now have a healthy, thriving boy, but his birth still haunts me. The moments of being torn between my son in Seattle and our two other 45-min south in our hometown. To this day I question if I "did it right" leaving one child to be with the other two OR leaving the two to be with the one child. We did the best we could do.

I fight the thoughts/fears that I was not "nice" to our friends or appreciative of them. Was I really a bad friend? Was I ungrateful? Did I express my appreciation enough? Ask forgiveness enough? Push people away or expected too much? Keep everyone in the loop enough? A lot of "icky" feelings surround this period of my life...feeling like I failed-- that I just did not do it "right" (whatever that really means).

It has been two years of healing. Up until his 15-month milestone, our boy still required so much of us medically, emotionally and physically. It really has just been in the past 8 months that he has been a "normal" little boy. EIGHT MONTHS! Not very long, actually (for the first time, right now, I did this math...eight months). What a fight it has been. I still struggle losing my baby weight (which I beat myself up for on a daily basis). I struggle to recognize that I truly did the best I could during this season of life (& whether my best was really good enough).  I struggle trying to parent three children so close in age with the added task of continuing home physical therapy "games" and activities to help our youngest use his right side (hand & foot) consistently.

Life is hard. I know we all have seasons that are difficult and painful events that happen. This season for just happens to be my trigger. I am thankful the Lord is always with me and that HE speaks truth to my heart and soul. Without Him, I would be completely lost. I thank God almost daily for what he did on April 2 and the days leading up to and the days following. It is a memorial stone for me to reflect back on His grace and mercy in my life...how close I felt to Him during that time and how He spoke so clearly to me on the OR table, "Brandi, I giveth & taketh away. You have to be okay with that, okay?" God's words spoken directly to my heart help me have a new view on the life I live. Thank you Jesus that you are my Healer and with each passing year you heal my soul just a little more. Praise be YOUR name forever.  Amen

Resist & Enjoy: Unexpected blessing--we are buying a house

Life (God) has an interesting way of showing up, shaking things around and creating new out of old or broken.

He has done that for our family in this season. He has given us a do-over. A fresh start. New routines and new rhythms. He has taught us to let go of not just the hardships of the last 18+ months but also how to let go of our physical stuff...living with less stuff so we can live with more HIM. It is freeing.

In mid-September I was casually looking at houses online. It was a Saturday morning. My daughter was sick and I too was at the beginning of contracting some sort of fall-cold. I laid on the couch, computer in hand, browsing the real estate websites. My fingers stopped clicking when I saw pictures of this 5-bedroom home. I immediately showed my husband. He was also enthralled.  With a little over an hour before he had to go to work he suggested we load up the family and simply drive by...sick and all. I conceded and before I knew it we were all buckled in driving towards the Green House.

Behold, they were hosting an open house. Wait, what? We just wanted to drive by! Unloading our three kids in the rain, we entered what would a month later be our "forever" home. The kids instantly felt comfortable...running around and claiming space. Looking at each other, my husband and I called our realtor and put in an offer.

Sunday came and we excitedly waited to hear the news. Our hearts were set and peace covered over me. I knew the instant I saw pictures of this house online that our family would dwell in it. Around 5pm the call came through...they accepted another offer for $3000 LESS than our offer. Our hearts sank BUT I still held onto this peace I had, asking God, "How are you going to work this out because I KNOW that this is our new home."

Monday morning came. As I was leaving an appointment with one of the kids my husband calls. "Do you still want to buy a house?" I thought, perhaps, our realtor had found another comparable house to the one we just lost. But that was not the case. The couple who had put the offer in on the Green House had some type of fight and withdrew their offer. Wait, what?!?! As the next in line it was our choice if we wanted to purchase this home. It was amazing to feel so confident in knowing that this house was a gift from the Lord. So, we moved forward.

As we continued to pray over this decision, God was showing us the gift this house would be to us...a chance to let go of the many tragedies of the past few years both with Oliver and other events.  The opportunity to host large functions in the vast backyard (over 1/2 acre!). The space to finally host a proper dinner party or holiday function at a REAL table rather than the wobbly fold-up tables we have been using (although there was a LOT of joy and rich conversation around those tables....those days will be missed for certain!). The joy of connecting with new neighbors and the hope of connecting our neighborhood the way we have connected our current one.

Built in 1955 we are only the third owners. Life has happened in this house. Kids and grandkids enjoyed all that it offers and when you walk into the house you can feel this love and passion and appreciation. It is a place I want to be.

Four days after our offer was accepted a friends came over in the evening to watch a TV program. Catching her up on the news of recent events I began to tell her how we would have to put our current house on the market, stage our home all while packing it up and moving to our new location. Her eyes brightened and she began to ask many questions. She even took several peeks around the house during the commercials. At the end of our evening she asked if her and her husband could come over the next day to take a closer look. Of course, I said yes. They did. A few days later, after getting their finances in order, they told us that they wanted to buy our house! Another WAIT?! WHAT??! moment was happening. God really does know how to do things, right?

The next week our family was in Disneyland: celebrating our 8th anniversary, Oliver's 1/2 birthday and the purchase of this unexpected blessing-- selling & purchasing a house! A few days before we came home from California, the offer on our current house was signed and submitted. We had a POD moving unit dropped off two days after we arrived back home and the packing began.

On Friday, Oct. 26th we received the keys to our "forever" home, the Green House. We could not be more thrilled or more overjoyed. The Lord has showered us with His favor and blessings, making it clear every step of the way that He has been protecting us, that He sees us and that He knows what we need (and what our friends needed too!).

There are not many times in life when you get a do-over. We certainly are not taking this for granted. This home is a symbol of God's faithfulness to us. It is a reminder of His presence in our lives. It is a sign-post for us--to look outward, no longer focusing on mere survival but to engage--being willing to have tough conversations, re-dedicate to certain friendships and ask forgiveness in others. It is a chance to allow God to create our new pathway and also just to simply enjoy HIM for who He is.

From a hard season to a season of overflowing JOY there is still much work in our hearts to be done. There are still hurts we are processing through and some hurts we are still right in the middle of yet despite these things, God is reminding me (us) that I am His and He is mine. He knows what we need and when we need it. He surely takes care of those He loves.

Resist & Enjoy: A new kinda hard

Our schedule is back to full-swing, so to speak. All of our obligations have occurred at least once and we are on our way to a "normalized" routine (although every day still looks different).

Last year was one of the hardest of my life, filled with doubts and unknowns about our youngest and the stress of keeping up with work and life while raise two other toddlers.

This year we enter "pumpkin spice" season with a very new toddler at 1.5 years, an almost 3-yr old and a 4-yr old. Busy and overwhelming to say the least. I sit on the floor today almost in tears, feeling as if I can't keep up with these little treasures and work and maintain a household and a life. Not sure what to do, I bury my head in my hands and pray. What we "should" be doing is playing outside, enjoying the last few glimpses of the sunny weather. Guilt over takes me. But why?

I feel inadequate to the mother of these children. Words escape me when they need them the most and my tired body drags through the motions of lunch, dinner, bedtime...you want PB&J for lunch an dinner? Sure! That fits into the "healthy" food category, right? These things seem to matter less and less to me. Guilt again...because I SHOULD care about heathy, well-balanced meals. I try.

The days before us are busy but God is faithful. He is adequate. He has allowed me to mother these children. I cozy into Him for His extra grace, gentle pat on the back and a moments relief from the tantrums and toys being thrown around me. Thank you, Jesus, for my life! It could have been so much different. We could have only had two children, not three. I could be unemployed. We could not have a church or a place to live or..... this list of gratitude runs deep. So, here is to living life FOR Jesus and WITH Jesus, embracing the hard times and rejoicing in them. This season is just a new kind of hard but I am so grateful for it. May He get the glory. Amen.

Resist & Enjoy: What does "important" mean?

It's not yet halfway through September. The schedule is full, I am forgetting things and the rhythm of rush has pushed through my front door (Man! I thought I locked it tight!). So here we are. FALL.

Swimming, ballet, gymnastics. Work, dating my spouse, playing with my kids, friendships, exercise. Bible study, ministry leader, personal quiet time. Planning dinner, planning activities, planning....planning....planning.

But it should. be. different.

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

On a Sunday not long ago, our pastor pointed out that Jesus was never in a rush. Wow! How powerful! What can I do my life differently, like Jesus?

RELATIONSHIP. FOCUS.

In my personal study time today, here is what God revealed to me about His way: 

"How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone. What you ought to say is, “If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.” Otherwise you are boasting about your own pretentious plans, and all such boasting is evil." James 4:14-16

By spending TIME with Jesus, He can renew my mind. When my mind is renewed, I will no longer stress about all of the planning but rather rejoice in TODAY...after all, that is all we are promised, right? Wow does that change things just a wee-bit, huh?

I am also seeing this concept of time in a different way (living in today) when my daughter started her second year of preschool. Driving her to her first day I realized that one-day, not far off, all three of my children will be in "all-day school"......!!!!! Wait?! WHAT? In just a few years? THE DISHES CAN WAIT! I only have 1,095 more days until my three kids are in school?! Three years. It's not much time, regardless on how big the number looks. My 4-year-old proved that. So, priorities. 

What matters?

RELATIONSHIP.

As my handsome husband says, "The important stuff will get done." I think I have misinterpreted the "important" for the tasks of life. Focus. Focus! FOCUS! My relationship with God is of the utmost importance. My spouse and children are of the utmost importance....

Let's pause. Invite God into our heart and mind. Focus. Intention. Fellowship, Friendship. The important stuff will get done. We just need to re-prioritize what "important" means.

Live in joy today (and always). 
Peace.

Sabbath Summer: The Fleeting Sun

The time is approaching. Our Fall schedules are once again filling and the rhythm of rush is pounding at our door. In many ways this summer has been a dream, a vacation from expectations and a mental re-set. A time to listen to God's convictions, seek deeper friendships and enjoy my kids without the pressure of work or mounds of pre-planned activities. Our family schedule was filled with slow, easy wake-ups, breakfast for dinner and extended bedtimes to enjoy just a little more outside play before the sun set. Certainly a breathe of fresh air.

Now, today, we get to make a choice. Will we open the door to the rhythm of rush or will we fight back the loud bangs on the door to strive towards this life of sabbath--- rest and peace.

It seems like an easy decision, right? But as the days tick closer to September the banging gets louder, activities increase and it seems everyone and every activity to teeming at your door. So, what do you do?

GO. TO. PRAYER.

In prayer, our family has been asking God these questions:

• What is YOUR desire for our family?
• What activities will bring us closer to YOU, God?
• What decisions about schedules will teach and display YOUR love through us?
• What boundaries do we need to create to protect our hearts and minds, reserving them first to GOD then family then everything else?
• What can we eliminate in our life that will allow us to be more present?

The reality is: our life is HIS. My life is not about pleasing myself or doing all the things "I WANT" to do (because they seem fun or easy or just because 'everyone' is participating). The things God calls us to can be hard, uncomfortable, unfamiliar. AND this summer I have learned that that is okay.

In the beginning of this Sabbath Summer I sought to change my thinking about life, my relationship with God and friends and find satisfaction and gratitude if what God has given me. Overall, I feel this mission was a success yet in other ways God still needs to change my heart.We are all in process, after all.

Through this journey I have learned much about myself (some icky and some great things). I'm looking forward to seeking God more, asking Him to establish my life. Moving forward I pray for motivation: daily prayer, daily scripture reading, continuing to love my husband, kids and friends best I can and be motivated to have better eating & exercise habits. I pray for HIS strength to hold back the loud bangs and unending pressure of pursuing activity over relationship--to be more present and enjoy the gifts of this Garden of Eden. But in order to enjoy the garden, we must resist the off-limit fruit. Whatever that off-limit fruit is--- RESIST IT! God has so much more, so much better for us.

So...here is to FALL INVITATION: Resist and Enjoy...accepting God's decisions for my life rather then setting my mind of the earthy, temporal things that only leave fleeting satisfaction. Join me?

Sabbath Summer: The Duality

In this day of age many sayings/cultural norms grant women the "right" to be who they want. Be independent! "Do anything you want," they say, "Make your path. Follow your heart."

Yet a life as a Christian (and a woman at that) tells a different story.

Here is what God is showing me (then I will tell you what this means to me):

• I must be dependent on God not be independent as the world calls.
• I am made with a purpose, gifted to be used by God. I can do what God has created me to do/become and within that there is great freedom as I press into the gifts and talents HE has given me.
• Jesus said that HE is the way, the truth and the life. He IS the path so what path would I make for myself that would be any better than the one Christ has already made for me, specifically, and for us as collective believers.
• The OT says that the heart is deceitfully wicked above all things (so why would I want to follow my own heart/desires?) Doing so could lead to death of sorts (physical, emotional, relational, financial, etc.).

These things I have been pondering durning the SS blog series. Since I don't teach at the university during the summer my attention has focused on God and supporting my family while healing from all the events of this past year. I have realized, once again, that I have began to lose a little more of who I am as an individual to become what the world wants me to be (what I think I should be...the epitome of fulfilling the stereotypical roles of a woman, wife, mother, working-professional, friend, neighbor...you get the picture). My focus has been on being the best wife I can be to my husband of eight years and the best mother I can be to my three children. In the mix of that, my focus has been on keeping our household afloat: dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, paying bills, planning for my upcoming year of teaching, our upcoming year of ministry and thinking about/preparing for our fall schedule: preschool, ballet, swim and gymnastics lessons. My mind is like an Internet web browser with a million tabs open. Then I realized, in this process I have forgotten to dream a little, to set personal, achievable goals for myself. But, is it really that important?

The bigger question is who is God and what has HE created me to be and do.

I recently started a new bible study questing to deepen my relationship with God. Without this (my focus on Christ) as my foundation, I can do nothing. For in Him, I live and move and have my being (Acts 17:28).

In this moment I am called to support my husband as we make some very big decisions about his work and other future possibilities on the horizon. I am called to submit to his leadership, as Christ describes in Scripture. I am to be supportive, be in prayer, offer my opinions and impressions and then let God do what God does best...direct our future. Of course, we are playing our part, yet ultimately God will prevail.

I put the needs of my children after the needs of my husband. How is their health? Do they have what they need to function in this world? Are their tummies full, minds thinking and bodies active? The needs of a 4-year old, 2 1/2 year old and 15-month old are vast yet each need is important to address. And even more important than all of those items mentioned above, how is their relationship with Christ? In what ways can I better re-present Christ and invite them into the most important friendship and partnership of all--with Christ! This is the second thing to occupy my mind.

The third is our household: what to cook... that is nine times a day (minus snacks) that these three mouths need food in them. NINE! (3 kids, 3 meals a day) The result is a lot of time in the kitchen: planning, prepping, serving, cleaning. In addition to potty-training and a lot of outside play, laundry during the summer seems to be a daily or bi-daily activity. In this, I can refocus on thanksgiving! So much sweetness comes from the kitchen. I am BLESSED to have such a time as this to serve my children and show them the practical love of Jesus.

Then comes service and friendships outside my nuclear family unit. It is in these sweet moments of connection with extended family, friends or another mother (or in meeting a need someone in the Body has), I am recharged, fulfilled and overjoyed to play a small but significant role in the lives of those Christ has called me to be in fellowship with. Putting feet to my faith.

There are other things that float in and out of my day and at the end of the day mostly "not thinking" after 7pm when hopefully all three kids are down for the night and my husband is working late, I reflect. I think of the sweet moments I had with my husband and with each kid. I survey my almost-clean house and smile as I imagine the leaps, giggles and squeals of a days worth of play. I glance to the dining room and thank God for the conversations around the dining table. I breath. I sigh. I rejoice. I am blessed. I usually then start to fold a load of clothes or put dishes away while a Netflix show runs in the background for noise sake. God, thank you for this complex life. This tension of duality: surrender and serve or selfishly pursue my own ambitions.

I pause...

My life is a JOY! God has blessed me with these three little humans, each one having grown so closely inside my womb and now He has grown them into these precious beautiful little people! The husband I serve works diligently at following the Lord, pouring all he can into our family and household while working at a very difficult and sometimes very emotional job. By His grace, we have a beautiful, cozy home that meets all of our needs and more. I love my profession as a university lecturer and find great satisfaction in teaching hundreds of students a year.

I pray all who reads this will reflect on the goodness of LIFE (Zoe) found only in HIM (the Creator). There are many tough days (and tough moments that create those days) but I am learning what matters is my foundation and my focus. "For in HIM, we live and move and have our being." Acts 17:28.

Be blessed as you partake in His goodness for you, trusting that His ways and path are always the best.

Sabbath Summer: Without Complaint

In a world of struggle, God calls us to do everything without arguing or complaining. This is a very familiar passage to me that comes from the Book of Philippians. Yet it is convicting in this season of life. It is a thought I have pondered many times but during this Sabbath Summer, God is bringing it back to my attention. 

I am struggling to know the difference between complaining verses sharing the struggle of being a mom of three toddlers among my role as a wife, teacher, volunteer and leader. The brass tacks: life is a struggle YET where is my focus? 

Am I living a life of freedom and victory which comes from Christ or living a life of struggle and strife? When I think of my life, what do I think about first? When asked, what do I offer up first? The victory and triumphs of Jesus or the hardships, challenges and struggles?

It comes down to perspective.

Growing out of a season of worry and fear of my son’s medical conditions and all that this past year has brought to us, I felt that I “had” to focus on the worst case, the “what-ifs”,” the struggles and the overwhelming reality of the situation our family faced. Perhaps it was a coping mechanism or something to shield the pain (you know, just in case something really bad happened). It became a habit. 

I may have mistaken “going deep” in relationship to mean sharing my hardships and difficulties. That my vulnerability and transparency were the means to arrive at these deeper rooted connections. I am afraid that my attempt to “go deep” was overshadowed by my “negative Nancy” mindset. I am afraid that it has turned people away, given them the wrong impression about me, my life and the work God is doing in my life. I mean, come on, who really wants to be around someone who overdramatizes their struggles and only talks about their hardships. Yet to see God working is to know about the struggles and how He provided in, through and despite the struggles. So I come back to my question: what is the difference between complaining verse sharing the realities of my days? My intent is certainly not to focus on my difficulties or be inward focused. My intent is transparency as a means to cultivate deep, meaningful, everlasting relationships in which honesty is the foundation. My intent is not to give the culturally acceptable, “I’m fine” when asked how I am but rather divulge that I am not fine, that life is hard and God is teaching me and forming me in the midst of these struggles. He is a God, not me, who brings chaos back into order. My response, surrender and submission. My response, prayerfulness. My response, attentive ears to the convicting Holy Spirit when I travel down the path of complaining.

My heart aches for the damage of friendships I have caused in this attempt to build deep relationships. Have I pushed people away by being too honest? By focusing on the hard instead of the good? Regardless of what I think the damage is/was, God is giving me a re-do. His Word says that His mercies are renewed everyday so I trust that. I ask your forgiveness and the forgiveness of the Lord. I move into a new day aware of this struggle, submitting and surrendering to God—living a life of victory instead of living a life of struggle and defeat. Who wants to join me?