Growing a Boy: I "just" want to be his mom.

As you can imagine, this school year started with many complexities. My plate is crowded with obligations and responsibilities. Does my son have a disability? Yes. Does he need different scholastic accommodations than traditional students? Yes. Does he require therapy within and outside of the school day? Yes! Do I have other children, a job, and a household to run? Yes. However, there needs to be a surrender in the middle of the chaos.  As our family falls into somewhat of a rhythm of the school year, I find myself anxious. I am asking myself questions like:

o   Am I pushing too hard for supports/accommodations?

o   Is it worth disrupting my son's school day for therapy? (and all the make-up work!)

o   When are too many resources/therapies just that…too many?

o   Do I let him grow “as is” or intervene?

 

I find that my phone is tethered to my side during the school day, “just in case” the school calls to tell me that my son had a seizure or something even more catastrophic. Is this a healthy way to live? No.

 

What if I am "just" his mom? What if I fully surrendered my son to the Lord? I realize that my thoughts and feelings are based on fear and worry. When I live here, life and joy are taken from me.  How, then, do you reconcile the practical everyday questions with the life of surrender and trust? 

In all honesty, I don't want to mess this up...for my son or for myself. I don't want to be so wrecked that I walk around with a perpetual lump in my throat, a pit in my stomach, and a doom cloud floating over my head. Sadly, this is how the days have felt recently. God, just take my anxious thoughts. Allow me to surrender. Can I "just" be my son's mom? Can I stop being an advocate for him? 

In this, I pray for wisdom. I pray for healing. The trauma of his birth just keeps seeping in. I can't help but remember our son fighting for his little life at just days old...the pumps, the tubes, the medications...the many unknowns. I do not want to live a life dictated by the past. My son is alive. That should be enough, right? But the wounds are deep. Life is fragile. The mind is fickle. Help me, Lord. Take control over my heart, mind, and soul. You be the one that fills me, Lord. You be the one to answer the many questions I have. You grow him because today.... today, I "just" want to be his mom.

 

Growing in Faith: What is your "tree" of "the knowledge of good and evil?"

To my fellow believers.

Ok...2022! Goals! Mine (among many)...read the Bible's Old Testament. Last year, I accomplished reading the New Testament, but the OT---now that is a different story.

Diving into Genesis 1-3 this morning, I was made acutely aware of (shhh...I am going to say it) .... TEMPTATION-- but not in the way I have traditionally thought about it. Stick with me okay...I think this may have an impact on you too!

I only got to Genesis 2:9 before God started speaking volumes to me---hence the reason I am typing now instead of reading.

Scene: God just created land, water, sky, fish, animals and THEN man...Adam. The Bible mentions briefly about the world man was put into but then a verse later, God says:

 "Then, the Lord planted a garden in Eden....there he placed the man he had made."               (Gen. 2:8, NLT).

Did you catch that? God PLANTED a special place JUST for man...and PLACED him there. Now, if that is not the highest honor, the best gift, the most profound thought! Out of ALL that God created, he created yet another special place just for man. This got me thinking. Not my main point here, but more of a side thought---

• Where has God PLACED you/me? What specific "garden" has He created JUST for you? Your family? The location of your home? Your job? Friendships? Are we enjoying it? Embracing it? Appreciating it?

• What a BLESSING we easily ignore...not really seeing our "placements" as truly gifts from the Lord! Talk to God about that a bit. I think He will reveal so pretty amazing insights to you!!

 Okay--that was a different tangent, let me get back to my main point.

After God placed man into the garden in Eden, we are told that in that garden, God also planted two specific trees in the middle of the garden: "...the tree of life and the tree of knowledge of good and evil." (Gen. 2:9, NLT). ANNNNDDDD....this is where the Lord stopped me! Having read this story many times, I know where this is going but I kept reading...

God continues by telling man of his purpose in the garden. The PURPOSE for man being in the garden was "...to tend and watch over it." (Gen. 2:15, NLT). Ok, question time again: What has God called you/me to "tend" and "watch over?" It seems so simply, doesn't it? But, oh how distracted we can get from our God given purposes! (Pray about this one too!)

Then God put a boundary, a rule, a "do not do" command, "You may eat freely the fruit of every tree in the garden --except from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil." (Gen. 2:16-17, NLT).

God put one teeny, tiny boundary on man---the TREE! I wonder the thoughts of man in between the time man was placed in the garden and woman was created (Gen. 2:18-23). Where did man's thoughts turn? To the "off-limits" tree or to purely enjoying what and where man was--BEING PRESENT in the moment of time...enjoying the work and purpose for which he was created? Then I think about us--what do we often think about and focus on. Where would your mind go--onw that you could or could not do? (Remember, sin had not yet been introduced to man--yet--I still wonder what man was thinking. Maybe there wasn't even a thought about the tree he was not to touch--until he was given company (a helper, just like him). Shortly after, God made woman from man (Gen. 2:18-23) and the story gets more interesting. 

Cliff Notes version (so I can get to my point): The serpent comes to tempt man, they accept the temptation and are kicked out of the garden. Done. Boom. The rest of history is based on the events played out in chapter 3 of Genesis. 

My bigger point: WHAT IS YOUR FORBIDDEN TREE? That one "thing" that is centered in the middle of your life that is off limits--that God has told you is not good for you---yet- you still want to test it, look at it, hold it, walk around it, entertain it (even just a "little bit")? Are you not able to fully separating yourself from what God says is not good for you!?  Is it social media? Is it a friendship? Maybe it is shopping/overspending or neglecting Bible/prayer time with your Maker. Perhaps it is over eating or ..... the list could go on.

What ever your "tree" is, recognize it for what it is. It is a GOOD boundary, set by God to protect you and give you life and FREEDOM! We don't often think boundaries or "do not do's" create freedom, but I have personally experienced that boundaries really do allow us to live full, purpose filled lives. It takes restraint and discipline but it is worth it.

So, in this new year I encourage you to ask the Lord what "forbidden trees" He was placed in your life (for YOUR benefit!). And when He shows you, resist them!! Choose different than the first man and women (Adam & Eve). Choose to accept God's boundary AND THEN focus on all that is good and life giving "trees" He has given you rather than those things in which God has said are "not for you." God is a God of Grace and Love. His concern and care for you runs deep. Remember your HOPE in Jesus that you are not resisting the evil on on your own but rather with the fully armor of God and the gift of the Holy Spirit.

Enjoy this first day of the new year. Know that God walks with you though the power of the Holy Spirit and that He desires you to have a rich, meaningful life by embracing all He has created you for! Enjoy Him and those He has placed around you.

Maranatha. 

Growing in faith: Let this cup pass

Jesus knew He was on His way to death. He cried out to God, "My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me." Then, in recognition of God's Almighty Power, Jesus said, "Yet not as I will, but as you will." (Matt 26:39)

This passage reminded me of OSH's day of birth. On the OR table, having just had my premature, unresponsive son cut out of my belly, God directly spoke to me saying, "I giveth and I taketh away. You have to be okay with that, ok?!" 

It was a command. It was a fact. It was a reminder. It brought me comfort. Knowing only God is in control of life and death--no matter what the medial team did or did not do. No matter if the doctors and nurse did everything perfect or not. God told me that He controlled Oliver's life. 

In my Bible reading today, I was struck by Jesus' words, "Yet not as I will, but as you will." (Matt 26:39). In light of all of the recent testing and testing to come on our youngest, I will commit to praying this prayer..."Your will be done, Father, Your will be done."

As I surrender, pray, and accept, I find myself in a glorious spot. I find myself again recognizing the beautiful gift our youngest son is (all of our children for that matter). I find myself staring at him in awe of all he overcomes everyday to perform daily tasks. I am reminded that he needs a bit more patience and direction and handholding (literally and figuratively) to accomplish simple directions. I realize that perhaps I am not the best person to teach him preschool "academics" but I am his biggest advocate and resource seeker. I see that I cannot compare our family dynamic with other families in similar stages because our family must do life slightly different. 

I will pray that God will train up his mind to overcome challenges, but to pray for healing...why? He is perfect just the way God intended him to be. It was and is God's way that our son came into the world as he did. It is God's way that as parents we are refined by the "unexpected," our responses more quickly turning to God than any thing else. 

When I once had no hope, God is faithful. With a few new discoveries and possible avenues of support, I know that I can forge ahead in confidence and faith. Our "perfect" son, just as God intended him to be. I write this with a smile on my face and a joy in my heart. God is holding me fast, teaching me, and encouraging me to look beyond what is right in front, the temporal. God is so gracious to us by giving us Oliver, his "complexities" and all. Our little boy is a miracle. He is a teacher, one who teaches us daily to turn to the Creator. 

 As you will, Father, as you will.

Growing a boy: Climbing a mountain...daily

First...THANK YOU. Thank you all for your prayers. We can feel them. Thank you for your encouragement. We need them! God knew community was so valuable and we are beyond grateful for the one surrounding us now. YOU are a part of that.

So a little update...

OSH IS EXCITED! Wow! He is so excited about his upcoming appointment at the hospital daddy use to work in--so much so that he has already begun to pack his "-uggage" with stuffies and Little People toys. He decided he wants to bring along some clothes and is also wondering if he can take a picture with the big machine...all by himself. He is excited he gets a date with "just dad" and is even more excited to pick any food he wants after his big appointment. This is truly a blessing! It brings me peace to see him excited to go to the hospital for his upcoming "picture appointment." 

God has heard our prayers (but let us keep praying!).

 

From the last blog to this, I spent much time online learning & re-learning about fine motor function and activities that could help OSH strengthen his grasp, specifically pencil grip for preschoolers. (Fine motor skills...something OSH has struggled with since infancy). I found a FANTASTIC blog written by an anonymous occupational therapist describing many activities such as using smaller broken crayons because they "force" a child to use a tighter grip (too bad I just threw out all of our broken crayons) and "pencil grips." Little did I know....WOW...there are VERY strong opinions about pencil grips. I will spare you the details, but we decided to take a "$10 risk" to purchase a pack of three pencil grips. When they arrived yesterday, I was eager to try them out...and OSH DID GREAT! All this to say...neurological deficits (or not), I feel empowered with some new tools that I can use at home to help OSH grow in his "scholastic" and "artistic" and everyday abilities. 

In life, we often take the simple things for granted like holding a pen, holding a toothbrush, scooping yogurt onto a spoon, opening a door handle or pulling up our pants. To my son, these are mountains he has to climb multiple times every. single. day. And I am SO proud of him for doing it! Without realizing, he is persevering through difficult tasks moment by moment with a smile and good attitude (most of the time). He is too young to feel "sorry" for himself and has yet to make up excuses as to why he can't do something. I PRAY he never does. I pray that every day, he keeps climbing up his mountains, conquering them one after the next. I BELIEVE IN HIM! He is my inspiration.

Growing in Faith: Identity Confusion

Has your head ever spun around as you scrolled through several media sites or read varied articles stating multiple opinions about our nation or world or even how YOU should live your life? Everyone has a different idea about what is right, about what is true. Everyone has something to say about EVERYTHING. It is confusing. What should I believe? What do I believe?

What do you choose to believe? By what filter or lens do you view your identity? 

In Matthew 16, Peter was faced with this same challenge. The question of the time: "Who do people say that the Son of Man is?" (v. 13). Opinions varied, thinking Jesus might be John the Baptist or Elijah or Jeremiah or one of the other prophets. 

But in a direct address, Jesus comes to Peter and asks, "who do you say that I am?" (v.15). 

In that moment, Peter had to decided. Peter had to declare. Peter had to not only form and settle on his belief...but say it out loud! (Would he be ridiculed, outcast for stating his opinion? Would he be harmed or shunned for his belief?) Scripture doesn't afford us the inner thoughts of Peter in this moment, but what we do see is Peter's words:

"You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God." (v16)

This bold proclamation was followed then by Jesus revealing to Peter who Peter was, what Peter was made to do...Jesus revealed Peter's identity and purpose.  Peter was then blessed; Peter would become the cornerstone of the church. Jesus revealed Peter's spiritual gift. BUT--- this only happened when Peter turned from the naysayers of the world, turned off the media (so to speak) and turned to God...only when Peter stared Truth in the face and responded in faith. 

Are you seeking to find your identity based on the beliefs of this world? No news poll, news article or social media post will ever reveal your true identity. We MUST go straight to the source, form and settle on our own beliefs (based on God's Word) and say them out loud. I have found when I say something out loud, it somehow becomes real, tangible--no longer a thought swirling around in my mind. 

Will you be bold enough to ask Jesus about your identity...the life He has planned out for you...JUST YOU!? Are you able to behold and believe the Prince of Life when He calls you to perform tasks outside of your comfort zone? When will you proclaim, out loud, to others that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of the living God? This, dear friends, is our mission in life...to glorify God and seek Him above all else. When we do, our identity will be found and our opinions will be made based solely on the words of Scripture. Be bold, dear friends. Step into the greatness God has created for you.

 

 

Growing in Faith: Witnessing a miracle

Have you ever witnessed a miracle? In my time on earth I certainly have seen a few but in my passage reading today one stands out. It relates to Jesus feeding the crowd of 5,000+ and the crowd of 4,000+ (Matthew 14, 15).

In these passages of Scripture, Jesus takes a few loaves of bread and a few fish and somehow makes it MORE than enough for the people present...even leftovers. Impossible?

Years ago I attended Bible school in Canada. For nine-months I lived on an island with my fiance (and 120 other students from around the world) studying ~85% of the Bible. We participated in daily chores, housekeeping duties, grounds maintenance and once per month outreach activities. During my time there, I participated in a outreach at a local mission. We conducted music for Sunday service, helped in the food bank and on occasion served warm food to our sitting patrons. It was an incredibly humbling and enjoyable act of service. 

On one particular night, a local church was providing the hot Friday night meal--- Chinese food. Boy, it smelled delicious! The weather outside was less than ideal. Dumping rain and frigid temperatures brought in more diners than the normal 100. I forget the number now, but I think the number of people who came for a hot meal was over double than what was expected. The big question: how were we going to serve ALL of these people?

As servers, with hot food dished on paper-plates in hand, we ran back and forth from the kitchen to the seated guests. We had to inform the diners that only one plate of food could be brought out/served per customer (which was not the normal custom). There were many disappointing faces yet they understood. About half way through the night, my fiance and I went once again to check on the food supply. More and more individuals were filing in, needing a free hot meal. 

To our astonishment, the silver trays of Chinese food never when past half empty! We began to serve seconds and thirds. More and more people continued to seek refuge from the cold...AND THERE WAS ENOUGH!  Before our eyes, we witnessed a miracle! No one was "sneak cooking" or adding to the already prepared food...there literally was no more food to give. Yet God, SOMEHOW, made it enough!

To this day, I have NO IDEA how this even happened in practical terms. It literally happened before my eyes and I am still stunned. At the end of the night, there was more than enough food for ALL of the volunteers AND some food leftover as well. Amazing. 

This story reminds me that God will always provide! He does this in unexpected and surprising ways and in the end, all He asks is that we give Him glory for the work He has done.

What miracle(s) is God working on in your life right now? How might you be able to bless others because of the ways God has provided for you?

Amazing, isn't it?

Growing in Faith: You are NOT alone

I missed the mark in my grief after the events of Oliver unfolded almost four years ago. I remained in a self-focused, overwhelmed, negative mindset for months (and longer). I did the best that I could yet reflecting back, I know that God used Oliver to teach me SO MUCH about grief, community, friendships, serving and gratitude. I often fight the "If only".....  If only I could go back and do things differently. If only I could follow Jesus' example in Matthew 14.  It is no good playing the "what if" or "if only" game. BUT-- moving forward I have a choice. Let us learn from Jesus.....

In Matthew 14, Jesus learns His cousin, John the Baptist, was unfairly beheaded. A powerful man of God who prepared the way for Jesus. A man who baptized many and preached the Good News. A man who was a witness to Christ and His miracles....gone because of a selfish king. 

In His grief, Jesus "withdrew from there by boat to a remote place to be alone."  (v. 13). I am sure He cried, mourned and reflected on the life His cousin led. YET- in His grief, a crowd followed Him to that remote place. Selfish, ignorant or not (whatever their motives), the crowds interrupted this private, personal moment Jesus was striving for. Jesus must have wanted to be alone pretty bad (or else why would He have taken a boat across the water)?  

Yet, "when He went ashore, he saw a large crowd and had compassion on them, and healed their sick" (v. 14). Jesus then goes on to feed 5,000 (besides women and children).

In His grief, He served. In His pain, He gave back to others. In His private moment, He recognized the need of others.

I know that I wrote about this in a recent blog, but this lesson never gets old! I think WE need to serve each other! In a hurting church, hurting world, broken communities, fractured corporate infrastructure, difficult decisions having to be made ...how can we give of ourselves to those around us? Are we seeking out the needs of others and serving them with the gifts God has given us? In our pain, are we still choosing to serve?

A challenge for me: move past my challenges, difficulties and overwhelmed heart to serve those around me-- a text message, organizing a virtual tea with a neighbor, a handwritten letter, small gift dropped off on a doorstep, virtual book reading with my niece and nephew.  

 SERVE! There are many physical limitations in our world right now...yet God can work past them. God can WILL inspire you. God WILL bring to mind a creative idea. God WILL respond to you! Are you willing to ask Him? Are you willing to serve Him by serving others? Are you willing to be part of the solution to our hurting world? 

Brothers and Sisters--- Let us be BOLD. Let us be BRAVE to try new things to bring our world together. Just follow the example of Jesus.....

I am praying for you! (If you would like specific prayer, leave a comment or message me!!) 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Growing in Faith: Overwhelmed; Let us pray

I have much to say about the scriptures I read today-- yet my heart is overwhelmed. So here are the general impressions. I pray they speak to you.

• For our nation, especially this week (inauguration), let us pray for unity. Lest we see what Jesus describes in Matthew 12:25 

  “Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand."

 

• Let us be FOR God: "Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters." Matthew 12:30

 

•  What are we thinking---speaking to our generations (family, children, community, co-workers)? "For the mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart." Matthew 12:34
  

 

• Matthew 13:1-9-- discusses the parable of the sower and the reproduction of the planted seed. Many of the seeds do not grow and instead they wither. Only a few produce good fruit.  My remaining questions: Am I producing? Are you producing? What I am producing? What are you producing? Are you hearing what God is speaking to you? 

Matthew 13:13-15

¹³ This is why I speak to them in parables:

“Though seeing, they do not see;
    though hearing, they do not hear or understand.

¹⁴ In them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah:

“‘You will be ever hearing but never understanding;
    you will be ever seeing but never perceiving.
¹⁵ For this people’s heart has become calloused;
    they hardly hear with their ears,
    and they have closed their eyes.
Otherwise they might see with their eyes,
    hear with their ears,
    understand with their hearts
and turn, and I would heal them.’

Growing in Faith: I am offeneded

Offended: resentful or annoyed, typically as a result of a perceived insult.

How often are you offended (see definition above)? I find myself offend quiet often. I make scenarios up in my head about some fictional reason someone has not called me back or reached out. I get offended when my husband puts his dirty dish in the sink (when the dishes in the dishwasher are dirty). And I get offended when my children complain about a meal I spent hours preparing. 

I get offended.

But is this the correct response? No...it is a lack of confidence in my relationships and in my God-given abilities. And I recognize, that being offended (although the emotions are real) does not promote growth towards Christ-likeness.

Jesus has something so say about being offended, "...blessed is the one who is not offended by me." [Matthew 11:6]

As I read, I paused...to be offended by Jesus would mean that I am annoyed at Him or resentful of Him. Or believe that He causes me to stumble. It means I would not share about who He is or what He has done out of fear of being mistreated. To be offended by Jesus would mean that as He directs my life, I would become irritated as He tells me to do this or go there or give away that. In my pride, I would allow Jesus to offend me.

But, dear children, there is a different way! As Jesus leads our lives, He calls us to sit at His feet, humble ourselves and learn from Him. He calls us not to shout or yell in the streets about what we are offended about but rather go away in private, directly to Him. And when we are offended (by Jesus or anyone else) to go to the SOURCE first...don't "bad-mouth" or joke coarsely out of anger or simply to "make myself feel better."

In a season where we can all become offended over politics or COVID restrictions, let us not sin in our "offended-ness." Let us build our confidence in Him who created you. Him who directs all of your steps....in Him who only seeks your good. Dear friends, let us learn from Jesus how NOT to become so easily offended and when we rest in Him, He will give us peace for our weary souls.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

Growing in Faith: No guarantees

 I think you would agree that the Bible is mysterious in so many ways. It lends itself to, at times, more questions that answers. Yet we know that God is in all things and in Him all things hold together. So, if this is the case, does faith and prayer really matter?

In Matthew 9:18-31, we read of two different accounts of four miraculous healing.

1. A woman who simply touches Jesus' robe and is healed
2. A dead, young girl whose hand was touched by Jesus became alive
3. Two blind men whose eyes were touched and then could see

The common factors I gather:

1. A willing, available & compassionate Jesus
   
2. Faith, prayer, request 
• A father's faith that Jesus can heal his beloved daughter; his request for Jesus to come--He showed up and made the young girl alive
  
• A woman's faith and action--just touching His garment (if I can JUST be near Him), I will be healed-- She was!
• The blind mens' faith and proclamation that Jesus could in fact heal them--they were!

It amazes me that despite who made the request, whether the person who was ill or someone requesting on the sick-persons behalf, Jesus responded. He healed! The young girl could not pray for herself, but the father was able--and he did! The results: she became alive! The woman in this story makes a silent request, puts her faith in action and is healed! The two men publicly and out loud declared their faith and presented their request...they were healed also!

I know that the Lord heals in many ways...sometimes He heals with a, "YES! I will heal you!" Sometimes He answers, "Not right now, child." Or even sometimes, He answers, "No, that is not in my will. I have other plans."

The unfortunate dilemma is that we do not know how He will respond until we act...until we pray and act out our faith. We have to learn to be okay with His "Yes" "No" "Maybe" "Not Right Now" response.

Are you willing to take the chance, to be vulnerable with Him and those around, to make your requests known? Are you willing to petition the Lord for the needs of those you love or those in your community? Do you believe that Jesus can heal you--whether it be physical or emotional? There is a risk either way: "what if I ask and He says no?" ..... Well, the reverse is also true-- What if you ask and he says YES!?!

There are no guarantees in our life, except this: Jesus loves you. Jesus came to this earth to live a perfect life so that you don't have to. Jesus died FOR YOU because He loves you and does not want you to be separate from God. If you love Jesus, you will spend FOREVER with Him. That is guarantee enough for me to seek Him first. It is guarantee enough for me to put my faith in Him and make my requests & the needs/requests of others known to Him.

Is it enough of a guarantee for you?

Growing in Faith: Serving in Hardship

When something hard or unexpected happens, I have learned to control my reactions through the help of the Holy Spirit. My former-self would talk and talk about what had happened. I would post and re-post my experience. At times, I would even exaggerate what had actually happened. Then, I asked myself, "why?!?"

Did I want empathy? Did I want to be known or seen? Did I want others to feel sorry for me or comfort me by bringing me a meal or sending a card? 

I never fully understood why I sought this "attention seeking" reaction. I am relieved that Scripture gives us a different way to react to our hard situations: SERVE!

Yes, when we are faced with hard or unexpected circumstances, we are called to serve! We see a wonderful example in Matthew 7:14-17.

Peter's mother-in-law is sick with a fever. 

"So he [Jesus] touched her hand, and the fever left her. THEN she got up and began to SERVE him."  (emphasis added) Matt. 7:15

Now, that is not the reaction I would have expected. Why didn't she stop to chat with Jesus? Or ask questions as to HOW He healed her (or WHY He healed her). Instead, she took action (got up) and served. She did not wallow in her former misery. She did not try to understand what had happened or why, rather, she did what she was meant to do.

I found it difficult to move from my former "attention seeking" thinking and attitude, however, as I did my relationships with those around me become so much richer and my attitude towards life and its circumstances stopped feeling too big and so overwhelming. Because... we are created to serve. No matter your capacity, limitations or spiritual giftings....YOU ARE CREATED TO SERVE!

Are you struggling with this same "attention seeking" thinking? If so, give it to God. When you are faced with hardship, seek ways to serve those around you. From experience, it reduces anxiety and heals the soul in ways that wallowing never will.

"A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart." Luke 6:45

 

Growing in Faith: I give up

 I am right in the middle of my 3rd basket of laundry..sort, fold. Sort. fold. I have a deep desire to just "skip it," walk away and leave the task unfinished. Every morning, our dishwasher gets unloaded. I think, "does this really matter? I can just leave the rest for later."

Never in my life have I had such compelling thoughts about not accomplishing these daily tasks. I am not sure why I am experiencing this struggle, now, at this moment in time: stress, lack of sleep, feelings of being overwhelmed maybe? Regardless, I have to fight the urge to give up. I have to press on. I have to give myself a pep talk about the benefits of completing such (minor) tasks. 

This morning as I was struggling with the morning routine of unloading the dishwasher, I remembered this verse: 

^{Colossians 3:23-24}

²³ Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, ²⁴ since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.

 A shift of focus, from the Holy Spirit. Yes, these tasks I do unto the Lord! Sure, my family benefits from them (and so do I) but that is not my primary audience. I do these tasks for the Lord. I care for the possessions HE has given me (and my family). Today, I will think on this verse more. I will choose joy while I work on such minor tasks; I will persevere through them with a different attitude because my heart is now working for the Master of my life.

Are there tasks in your life that you need to perform for the Lord rather than human eyes? Are you seeking human approval for a job well done or seeking the inheritance of heaven? Whether it be parenting, completing spreadsheets, delivering packages or simply doing the laundry and the dishes, God wants to be the center of it all. We should seek His best. We should seek to please Him over seeking the approval of others on this planet.

This day, comitt your tasks to the Lord. Accomplish them for HIM and Him alone.

Maranath.

~B~

Growing in Faith: When I worry

I had to confess last night to my husband. I had to put into words what my heart and mind were struggling with. After pondering, I knew I had to vocalize my....worry.

Yesterday was a hard, HARD day for our nation. The act of domestic terrorism is appalling. I am not writing this to start a debate, but rather, as an exercise in looking at humanity. No matter what side you stand on, where is the moral ground?

I worry. And at times, I am afraid. 

COVID, my husband, children, our nation, my home, finances, war, death. 

These are just a *few* worries and anxieties I have...there are others like schooling for my children next year, protecting our new flock of chickens (two of which have already died) all while trying to "hold it together."

In Scripture, I am reminded, "don't worry about tomorrow because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:34)

I sighed a cleansing sigh. I breathe a refreshing breath. 

My Heavenly Father knows what I need. He will sustain me, take care of the details and heal my heartaches. Even when I am tempted to sit in my worry, He pulls me away. He has better for me.

As a result, I need to change my focus...not on all of the areas of my life that are hard or frightening but rather on His kingdom. For it says, "But seek first the kingdom of God." (Matthew 6:33). When I do this, I have confidence, from Scripture, that He will provide for my every need.

Cast your worries upon Him. Confess your worries and anxieties. He will do more than comfort you, He will make a way for you in the wilderness of this life and provide far greater things than you could ever imagine. Rest in Him today, and the next day, and the next day after that. 

YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE.

Growing in Faith: Flavorless

After a sales interaction, have you ever walked away with a bad taste in your mouth, so to speak? Something about the interaction just didn't "sit right" with you. You leave feeling perplexed, maybe even slightly frustrated, unsettled, unsatisfied or angry despite purchasing the object you intended to purchase. 

Sometimes as believers, we "taste" like this...we lose our flavor, lose our focus, and as a result can turn people FROM the Gospel instead of towards it. We grumble and complain, critique or argue. We act grumpy, lash out in anger or make events in our life seem so daunting...all. of. the. time. We forget the blessing of our relationship with Jesus. We turn from gratitude.

In Matthew 5:13, Jesus describes us as "salt." Salt had a very important function in Jesus' day: food preservation/prevention of decay and brought out the flavor within food (among other purposes).

The Bible says:

Colossians 4:6 - Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.

Mark 9:50 - Salt is good, but if the salt has lost its saltiness, how will you make it salty again? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with one another.”

As believers, we are called to help prevent decay and immorality in our world, our spheres of influence. We are to bring an important "flavor" or a way of living that promotes life. Our lives are to point TO Jesus by how we respond and engage with our community.

I ask, have you lost your "flavor?" Are you striving towards peace and graciousness within your relationships: marriage, family, friends, neighbors? 

As we continue our transformation into Christ's likeness, let us strive towards "salty speech." Let our lives be reflections of God's graciousness towards us and extend that grace to others. Let our lives be a place where others find rest, where others can come for healing from the decay of this world...a respite. Practice "eating" the Fruit of the Spirit (Love; Joy; Peace; Patience; Kindness; Goodness; Faithfulness; Gentleness; Self-control). Practice being "pouring out" like salt.

You and your world will be better for it.

Enjoy your Tuesday.

~B~

Growing in Faith: Drop it, okay

 You are right in the middle of work (providing for your family, caring for employees and customers). A man walks up to your desk and says, "Follow me and I will make you fishers of men." (Matt. 4:19)

Would you immediately leave your workspace and go? ...without texting, posting, calling anyone. Just go? It amazes me in this passage (Matt 4: 18-22) that these fishermen, Simon-Peter and brother Andrew (then later James and his brother John) do just that. They don't bother cleaning up. They don't stop to tell their boss, co-workers or family where they were going. They don't stop to tell their neighboring fishermen. They just respond. Why? Christ was just THAT important (Matt. 4:20). 

I wrestle with this a little because part of me feels like they have "left their mess" for others to clean up (such as their nets and fishing gear left littering the shore) (or maybe this is the mother in me who is constantly clean up after my littles) yet on the other hand...what great examples of deep faith and faith in action. They recognized Jesus' game plan:

A command: Follow me

A purpose: Become a disciple

A direction: "fish" for men (bring others into His Kingdom

In this new year and new season, what is Jesus calling you to leave behind? Are you willing to yield and surrender to His greater good upon your behalf? Change is hard! For me, I often weight my options, make a spreadsheet, and seek outside counsel, yet...yet when God calls (and calls clearly and directly), it is sin not to obey. So today, I encourage you to respond to God! Stop wavering back and forth. Stop playing the "what-if" scenario game in your mind. Stop posting on social media for confirmation. What God has for you is GOOD! Do you believe it? If you do, then what are you waiting for? Respond in faith. Follow Him, become His disciple and bring others into the Kingdom because of your obedience to Him. It is hard, but when God calls you, He always--ALWAYS makes a way. Trust and believe. It is always worth it.

Blessings-

~B~

Growing in Faith: FIGHT

Sunday: Not what I was expecting. A leaky roof and a husband who took a COVID test due to "unexplained symptoms." I would have never predicted these events yesterday when I laid my head on my pillow for the night. Yesterday, life seemed a little less stressed and (dare I say) "normal." Yet today, God had other plans for our family. Plans to rest more deeply in Him and cozy up for a ride that would allow our faith to be put into practice.

In the passage I read yesterday (Matthew 4), after Jesus had been baptized, He was lead to the desert where He was tempted. In His flesh, did He know that after His baptism His faith would be tested?   Despite knowing or not knowing, Jesus relied on His knowledge of Scripture and His relationship with God the Father to sustain Him during these tempting trials. He could have thrown up His arms in surrender (to the wrong thing!!) and acted in His flesh. Yet even when encountered with the "hard things" (temptations from the devil), He leaned in -- fighting them rather than embracing them. 

What things are you facing in your life today that you need to lean in and FIGHT rather than embrace? Maybe it is apathy? Fear? Anxiety? Have you knowingly or unknowingly surrendered to the "wrong thing... the temptations that are starring you in the face?  

Whatever it is, F-I-G-H-T!  

Use the Words of Scripture as your sword and your relationship with Him as your army. You can and will conquer. I am reminded of this verse: 1 Corinthians 10:13

¹³ No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

 

So... as I press into my day (leaky roof and the fear of a positive COVID test), I lean in and FIGHT with the power of God encompassing me and the Truth His Word brings. It is WORTH it.  

 

Today, what are you fighting? What will your weapons be? Lean in, dear friends, and FIGHT! He is with you.

Growing in Faith: We need to talk

 We need to talk. We need to confess. We need to repent.

...but to who?

In this new year, are you willing to make yourself available and make time to intentionally reach out to others? Creating a space for conversation, confession, repentance and relationship? Are you willing to call others "out" in love based on the commands of scripture?

John the Baptist did just these things and so should we. (You can read more in Matthew 3!).

Despite what others thought of him, John the Baptist remained true to the mission God set before him. Not worried about appearance or popularity, he lived in the woods wearing clothes made of camel hair and ate "weird" food like locust and honey. (Would you go out of the way to be friends with a person "like that?") 

Yet, people WERE drawn to him...not because he was eloquent or popular (or wore nice clothes) but rather because God was with him... and in him... and directing him. Those were the qualities that drew people to the wilderness (so don't be apologetic or embarrassed or ashamed with where God has you right now because chance are He wants to use you just AS YOU ARE...just WHERE you are).

While in the wilderness, John stayed true to his mission. Without hesitation and with Truth, he spoke to the Pharisees (who were opposing his actions)...not to condemn them but to show them a different way. He invited them into the baptism and then left the choice to them. Are you inviting others into the grace of God? I know for me, I struggle with judging other people's motives and creating unreal scenarios in my head. Moving past this, we must invite others into the grace of God! If we don't, then do we really believe what we believe is true, life-saving stuff?!?

John was patient (and available) to listen to the repentance of those who drew near to him. He used his gift of encouragement and gift of serving to baptize those who came. ...giving of himself.

When Jesus came to John and asked to be baptized, John witnessed a once-in-a-lifetime event...heaven opening before him, upon Jesus. You see, when we yield to Jesus and obey His leading, in turn we get to witness miracles of great faith (whether it be someone coming to faith for the first time or resisting a temptation or the like). 

From this short passage, we are challenged to rethink our thinking! ..our thinking about our role in the Kingdom... rethink how and where we "do" ministry. 

How is the Lord challenging you to rethink your faith walk? Like John the Baptist, are you willing to listen and respond to others...making space for others within your rhythms of 2021? Seek the Lord.

• Matthew 7:7:
  

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

Growing in Faith: January 1

 January One. New. Fresh. Possibilities. Goals. 

I have never been one to fully embrace all that January 1st brings...such as resolutions: losing weight, spending less, etc. But after a very unexpected 2020, my priorities were revealed (rather lack of priorities): my faith, my marriage, my children, my health and friendships. On the outside looking in, I would have perceived that these items were true priorities but in actual practice...they. were. not. There were certainly aspects of each item listed that benefited from my attention yet my heart....my heart was too distracted---distracted by media, comparison, busyness, my stuff (physical possessions) and the like. I am thankful for the events of 2020 because in the unexpected--- change came: growth, awareness, deeper connection and renewal. These are the things I strive towards in 2021.

At the risk of sounding cliche, I am making boundaries and goals to strive towards in 2021 (most of which I have already started acting on long before the glittery ball dropped in NYC). My handwritten vision board was crafted at our homeschool table with faded Crayola felt-tipped markers on a wrinkled piece of odd colored computer paper. My daughter drawing her own goals for 2021 while my husband was at work and our two boys slept. One "bubble" read: read more scripture. (If you want to know the others, feel free to ask!).

And so, I searched. I sought a New Testament Bible reading plan for the year 2021. To no surprise, I found one quickly and easily. I pulled out the cream-colored card-stock and printed the bookmark-sized reading-guides, placing them in my new (IN) CSB Bible. All set...

I was so excited, I actually started yesterday (knowing there would be days I fall behind in striving towards this goal). And today, I learned I have to think of my time differently. I MUST capitalize on those moments my three young children are playing so nicely together and the house is quiet. I MUST develop a better routine and stick with it. I CAN use my noise-cancelling headphones and sit at the kitchen table while the kids run around and play so that I can read God's Word. These concepts are new to me (although I have taught them to my students for years and have {at one time} practiced them). 

A. NEW. SEASON.   

DISCIPLINE. CREATIVITY. PERSEVERANCE.

So, what did I learn today (the whole, main reason I wanted to write this blog post...):

From Matthew 1 & 2: Joseph had to be willing to move, at any time, at the Lord's direction.

Coming out of Christmas, our family listened, read and re-read the "nativity story" in many different forms over the December month. I mean, it IS an incredible story. But what stood out to me this time was Joseph...his connection with God, the Father...his willingness to listen and immediately respond. 

As a man, (and a godly one at that) I am sure he had a deep desire to provide for his wife and new child...set up a home, establish roots, be around family for support. Although, those things were accomplished (eventually), it is amazing to think of all of the relationships and possessions he had to leave behind when they fled Bethlehem for Egypt and then later moved from Egypt to Galilee. What incredible sacrifices he had to make to follow God.

This, to me, represents a "missionary lifestyle." What if God called you or me to move...RIGHT NOW..to pursue the greater plans HE has for us? What could I take with me? What would I have to leave behind? (And how would that make me feel?) How would my children respond emotionally to this swift change? How would we provide for our family? Where would we live? What would come of relationships with family/friends...how would they respond to a decision to move the family for the sake of following the Lord? As of now, what physical possessions or relationships am I unwilling to surrender to the Lord?

All this has lead me to continue to simplify my physical possessions & be *more* ready to respond if/when God calls our family to a new place. Now, don't worry...God hasn't called us...but shouldn't we all live that way...as if He has called us...unattached to the things of this world?

Interesting thoughts on what Joseph may have felt as he led his family based on a few dreams from God, the Father. WOW! 

Where are you putting your faith? What are you clinging too tightly to? 

SURRENDER.

In this new year, surrender to the Lord. Not for the sake of a pat of the back at the end of the year for accomplishing your resolutions but rather for treasure in heaven for abiding in HIM and following as our Savior directs. What a shift of perspective.

Happy New Year, everyone...Happy New Year!

Growing a boy: Exploring Sensory

Hello All- As you can imagine, my mind is flooded since yesterday's discovery as I slowly put pieces together regarding Oliver's (possible) sensory stuff.

I have a MILLION questions: "are sensory bins really needed? Why do they help? How do they help? Should OSH wear his ear muffs all of the time? Am I enabling him or creating a dependency for them instead of allowing him to learn how to "cope" with the world around him? (And the list goes on!) I am learning that there is no "user manual" or step-by-step instructions but rather 1) seeking the Lord 2) trusting His wisdom 3) studying/observing Oliver in a new way and finally, 4) trial and error. Even though I am overwhelmed today at what all of this could (and DOES) mean, God provides...and here is how:

My beloved dropped the two older kids off at school so it was just Oliver and I, palling around before my Bible study started. I had to make a quick stop at the grocery store before the meeting. Since the store just opened, and only one other car was in the parking lot, I decided not to give Oliver his ear muffs. In the store, our normal discourse occurred (on repeat, I might add), "where are we going? What's that sound? Did you see it?" (Three common questions OSH asks at least 85-hundred-million times a day (in the words of our second child). I rambled off what I saw and heard and then directed his questions back to him like I normally do. It was a fairly uneventful trip. However, at the check-out line, the woman ahead of me, who also had a young child, started to engage with Oliver. She asked him his name and how old he was. Through the conversation, it came out that she was a special education teacher who teaches "sensory kids." WHAT!?! What providence it that!?! I reached out for her and told her that I needed her input on this recent discovery. We then chatted in the parking lot (while Oliver wiggled and squirmed in my arms). She "KNEW" my son! This (sensory whatever-he-has-thing) is REAL! She said, I bet he loved being outside more than inside. YES! She gave some examples of tools she has used with kids. She affirmed the use of ear muffs whenever he might be in a situation that is loud, busy or chaotic. It was like she gave me permission to not justify Oliver or why he is wearing ear muffs or why he doesn't act like a "normal" 2.5 year old. I felt excited. This is a real life thing. In addition, we have a PT appointment scheduled for tomorrow! I am hoping we can continue to learn more about Oliver.

I still have NO clue on what all of "this" means or how to help Oliver, but it feels so great knowing that I AM a good parent! That Oliver is just not "acting out." He has a real problem and now I can help him navigate towards a solution (or solutions). For me, really, this is life changing! I no longer have to feel embarrassed about his outbursts or his intense personality. I don't have to make excuses for him or explain his whole birth story to prove the point that "he has just gone through a lot." Yes, Oliver HAS gone through a lot but I am so thankful that he is alive. He displays God's character is so many ways. It is my privilege to teach him how to emphasize those amazing attributes. I am blessed ... SO BLESSED... by all of your loving feedback, prayers, ideas, podcasts, and acknowledgement. This new discovery has taken a huge mental toll but I know that we are not alone in this! Keep your advice and resources coming! And please pray for us! I fight the thoughts that I am just "making this up" or "making a bigger deal out of this then I need to." 

I am so, so grateful for every one!

Getting Healthy: It's 5 am

My motherhood duties beckon me this morning at 5am. Not much sleep for the weary here. I comfort my youngest with a cozy blanket, a sippy cup of water in his crib and two rounds of "Twinkle Twinkle." Hoping to get at least another hour of sleep, I sneak back into bed with a heavy, sleeping husband who arrived home just two hours prior. Not being able to sleep next to his "deep sleep," I decide to take the treadmill for a whirl. Thanks for encouragement from Ray-Mau ;) I FINALLY listened to a saved podcast from three weeks ago!!!

My twenty-minute treadmill "speed" walk ended with my 4.5 year old startling me as she walked into my workout. It's now 5:40am and all three of my children are up....what is wrong with this!?! They used to sleep until 7am!! Seriously, can someone tell me if this is normal...I mean really...is it? Momma thought 5am would be a "safe" time to have some alone time. I am letting my 2 year old babble in his crib; I hear my 3 year old moving around in his bedroom but I DARE NOT check on him or game over; I sent my 4.5 year old back to her room for at least another 20-25 minute.

What I am doing is important. It is not only important for me but for my children as well. They need me to be healthy as much as I need me to be healthy. I am learning to be okay with this. I need to advocate for myself within my family so that I can be healthy.

FOCUS-- okay. So as I was walking I also realized that my "getting healthy" is trifold:

1. Spiritual Health
2. Emotional Health
3. Physical Health

For me, these areas are very much interconnected. Since the fall of 2018 I have been lacking in my spiritual health, unable to find a Bible Study or connection group that my little-ducklings can also be well taken care of while I am fed. I have not gotten into a routine at home that is sustainable yet I do teach my children daily about Jesus...for the next month we are focusing on the Fruit of the Spirit through song, craft and service. I guess in a way I am being feed through these activities. It just looks different from what I want it to me. (I am looking for suggestions, though....always! of a solid connection group I can join).

I am thankful I am once again emotionally healthy-ish after the last two years of dealing my "trauma-birth-brain."

And my physical health, point number three, which will be the main focus of this blog series with touches of the other two areas. I am so excited that I now have the mental space to be able to take care of myself and recognize my three "needs" areas.

BRASS TACKS:
Successes so far (okay, it has only been about 24-ish hours since making this declaration of getting healthy, but small successes compile to achieve the WHOLE goal!):

• I did two short workout videos yesterday (& my arms are now sore--VICTORY) and I did a treadmill walk this morning...maybe I can sneak a "goodnight" walk into my schedule 10 minutes before I go to bed!
• I ate soooo many veggies yesterday! I still have a VERY painful tooth so the thought of crunching veggies or consuming cold, juicy baby tomatoes is terrifying. BUT I did it....cucumber "sticks" YUM, sliced baby tomatoes in hummus, carrot chips---much easier to crunch.
• I drank water! After afternoon "rest time" (ha!), during dinner and during the Grey's Anatomy season finale. I love my water bottle. That makes drinking fun.

Facing today (well the rest of it):

• Limiting carbs (like unneeded crackers while my kids are snacking)
• Limiting extra dairy (sneaks of cheese slices)
• MORE veggies and MORE water

Okay, it is now 6:15am. I can no longer hold back the forces. Time to wakey-wake.

I hope you feel encouraged today too!