Growing a boy: Embracing & Processing my "sensory kid"

Oliver had a PT and an eye appointment today. He walked around most of the day with his ear muffs on and the eye doctor put tape on the lens of his glasses to help his eyes from turning in (a vision therapy tactic). I have not even asked Tyler how the PT appointment went this morning (maybe out of fear or simply being more overwhelmed than I already am).

I take pause. Sit with my Bible and allow God to wash over me. He reminded me of all the precious words He spoke to me on Oliver's birthday and within the first month of Oliver's life.

• "I giveth and I taketh away. You have to be okay with that."
• Only I (God) am control of life or death.
• Why not you? Why should you be exempt from suffering in this world?

These phrases sit close to my heart today. They take me back to the minutes, hours and days after Oliver's birth. They remind me of God's faithfulness, His peace, during those times. He KNOWS Oliver! He was good enough to show us, just a mere two days ago, another aspect of this amazing human HE has made...He made Oliver JUST for OUR family. This means that God also made me to be Oliver's mom. What an honor and privilege.

My mind wants to take over and dive deep into learning about sensory processing, sensory toys and other tools/techniques. (Not bad things). But today I am reminded that God....GOD....God is enough. Nothing more or nothing less. It is an example (I think) of what is recorded in the book of Matthew, "blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." (5:4). I need the Lord's comfort today as I process this news of Oliver being a "sensory kid" or "on the scale". (why are these labels so icky to me? What do/can I say instead?!). The "new and shiny" excitement of learning this news has quickly worn off. In some ways I feel devastated yet in others I still hold onto hope (JESUS) for this sweet miracle toddler who was given less than 1% chance of survival at birth. You can't see it, but tears well my eyes as I type. I need the Lord's comfort.

I am forever grateful for April 2, April 5, April 13, April 30. These dates are HUGE milestones in OSH's life (birth, surgery, breathing tube removal and his first homecoming). In May, I wrote a blog "Growing a boy: I'm not celebrating" which ended the first chapter of my processing of Oliver's birth and the first two years of his life. We are now moving into Chapter 2 (or maybe it should be section two). Anyhow, I am SO thankful to have processed much of the first two years of Oliver's life, then had a moment's pause-- a wonderful and pleasurable summer of very few therapy appointments and savoring our new backyard. Now, it seems, we are jumping back into another season of challenge that pushes me/us to rest and trust in the Lord. I pray I can keep this in perspective, process quickly (yet appropriately) and not hinder our other two, older children. I pray I will not become obsessed with this discovery of Oliver's sensory challenges or talk about it/focus on it too much. I pray that I can give GLORY where GLORY is due--that I can share God's faithfulness in the midst of this struggle. I pray that God will remain the forefront of my mind and heart---with every up and coming decision we have to make. I am thankful once again for an incredible medical team who listens to us, takes our obervations seriously and does not judge. I continue to thank the Lord above for each of you who join us in the journey as you pray for us and reach out to us. (With tears **again** in my eyes, I type--- GOD IS SO GOOD! Despite anything and everything my salvation and hope rest in Him! I pray the same for you in your life's struggle. Trust that God is FOR you and if God is for you....who can be against you (Romans 8:31).

Maranath.

Resist & Enjoy: What does "important" mean?

It's not yet halfway through September. The schedule is full, I am forgetting things and the rhythm of rush has pushed through my front door (Man! I thought I locked it tight!). So here we are. FALL.

Swimming, ballet, gymnastics. Work, dating my spouse, playing with my kids, friendships, exercise. Bible study, ministry leader, personal quiet time. Planning dinner, planning activities, planning....planning....planning.

But it should. be. different.

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

On a Sunday not long ago, our pastor pointed out that Jesus was never in a rush. Wow! How powerful! What can I do my life differently, like Jesus?

RELATIONSHIP. FOCUS.

In my personal study time today, here is what God revealed to me about His way: 

"How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone. What you ought to say is, “If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.” Otherwise you are boasting about your own pretentious plans, and all such boasting is evil." James 4:14-16

By spending TIME with Jesus, He can renew my mind. When my mind is renewed, I will no longer stress about all of the planning but rather rejoice in TODAY...after all, that is all we are promised, right? Wow does that change things just a wee-bit, huh?

I am also seeing this concept of time in a different way (living in today) when my daughter started her second year of preschool. Driving her to her first day I realized that one-day, not far off, all three of my children will be in "all-day school"......!!!!! Wait?! WHAT? In just a few years? THE DISHES CAN WAIT! I only have 1,095 more days until my three kids are in school?! Three years. It's not much time, regardless on how big the number looks. My 4-year-old proved that. So, priorities. 

What matters?

RELATIONSHIP.

As my handsome husband says, "The important stuff will get done." I think I have misinterpreted the "important" for the tasks of life. Focus. Focus! FOCUS! My relationship with God is of the utmost importance. My spouse and children are of the utmost importance....

Let's pause. Invite God into our heart and mind. Focus. Intention. Fellowship, Friendship. The important stuff will get done. We just need to re-prioritize what "important" means.

Live in joy today (and always). 
Peace.

Sabbath Summer: The Duality

In this day of age many sayings/cultural norms grant women the "right" to be who they want. Be independent! "Do anything you want," they say, "Make your path. Follow your heart."

Yet a life as a Christian (and a woman at that) tells a different story.

Here is what God is showing me (then I will tell you what this means to me):

• I must be dependent on God not be independent as the world calls.
• I am made with a purpose, gifted to be used by God. I can do what God has created me to do/become and within that there is great freedom as I press into the gifts and talents HE has given me.
• Jesus said that HE is the way, the truth and the life. He IS the path so what path would I make for myself that would be any better than the one Christ has already made for me, specifically, and for us as collective believers.
• The OT says that the heart is deceitfully wicked above all things (so why would I want to follow my own heart/desires?) Doing so could lead to death of sorts (physical, emotional, relational, financial, etc.).

These things I have been pondering durning the SS blog series. Since I don't teach at the university during the summer my attention has focused on God and supporting my family while healing from all the events of this past year. I have realized, once again, that I have began to lose a little more of who I am as an individual to become what the world wants me to be (what I think I should be...the epitome of fulfilling the stereotypical roles of a woman, wife, mother, working-professional, friend, neighbor...you get the picture). My focus has been on being the best wife I can be to my husband of eight years and the best mother I can be to my three children. In the mix of that, my focus has been on keeping our household afloat: dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, paying bills, planning for my upcoming year of teaching, our upcoming year of ministry and thinking about/preparing for our fall schedule: preschool, ballet, swim and gymnastics lessons. My mind is like an Internet web browser with a million tabs open. Then I realized, in this process I have forgotten to dream a little, to set personal, achievable goals for myself. But, is it really that important?

The bigger question is who is God and what has HE created me to be and do.

I recently started a new bible study questing to deepen my relationship with God. Without this (my focus on Christ) as my foundation, I can do nothing. For in Him, I live and move and have my being (Acts 17:28).

In this moment I am called to support my husband as we make some very big decisions about his work and other future possibilities on the horizon. I am called to submit to his leadership, as Christ describes in Scripture. I am to be supportive, be in prayer, offer my opinions and impressions and then let God do what God does best...direct our future. Of course, we are playing our part, yet ultimately God will prevail.

I put the needs of my children after the needs of my husband. How is their health? Do they have what they need to function in this world? Are their tummies full, minds thinking and bodies active? The needs of a 4-year old, 2 1/2 year old and 15-month old are vast yet each need is important to address. And even more important than all of those items mentioned above, how is their relationship with Christ? In what ways can I better re-present Christ and invite them into the most important friendship and partnership of all--with Christ! This is the second thing to occupy my mind.

The third is our household: what to cook... that is nine times a day (minus snacks) that these three mouths need food in them. NINE! (3 kids, 3 meals a day) The result is a lot of time in the kitchen: planning, prepping, serving, cleaning. In addition to potty-training and a lot of outside play, laundry during the summer seems to be a daily or bi-daily activity. In this, I can refocus on thanksgiving! So much sweetness comes from the kitchen. I am BLESSED to have such a time as this to serve my children and show them the practical love of Jesus.

Then comes service and friendships outside my nuclear family unit. It is in these sweet moments of connection with extended family, friends or another mother (or in meeting a need someone in the Body has), I am recharged, fulfilled and overjoyed to play a small but significant role in the lives of those Christ has called me to be in fellowship with. Putting feet to my faith.

There are other things that float in and out of my day and at the end of the day mostly "not thinking" after 7pm when hopefully all three kids are down for the night and my husband is working late, I reflect. I think of the sweet moments I had with my husband and with each kid. I survey my almost-clean house and smile as I imagine the leaps, giggles and squeals of a days worth of play. I glance to the dining room and thank God for the conversations around the dining table. I breath. I sigh. I rejoice. I am blessed. I usually then start to fold a load of clothes or put dishes away while a Netflix show runs in the background for noise sake. God, thank you for this complex life. This tension of duality: surrender and serve or selfishly pursue my own ambitions.

I pause...

My life is a JOY! God has blessed me with these three little humans, each one having grown so closely inside my womb and now He has grown them into these precious beautiful little people! The husband I serve works diligently at following the Lord, pouring all he can into our family and household while working at a very difficult and sometimes very emotional job. By His grace, we have a beautiful, cozy home that meets all of our needs and more. I love my profession as a university lecturer and find great satisfaction in teaching hundreds of students a year.

I pray all who reads this will reflect on the goodness of LIFE (Zoe) found only in HIM (the Creator). There are many tough days (and tough moments that create those days) but I am learning what matters is my foundation and my focus. "For in HIM, we live and move and have our being." Acts 17:28.

Be blessed as you partake in His goodness for you, trusting that His ways and path are always the best.

Growing a boy: Balancing Needs

Nothing went right this morning. Our voices were aggressive, our minds reeling, our emotions swirling. It started to sprinkle, the coffee shop we went to as a family was closed for renovations and we ended up taking all 5 of us to Oliver's (somewhat unnecessary) appointment...mind you after he did not get a morning nap AND during lunchtime (in which we failed at packing the kids proper food...thankful I grabbed a few carrots, oranges and cheese sticks on the way out the door!).

It is not emergent, not even "super" urgent but certainly necessary to get answers....our son's hip x-ray. Thankfully, even before we stepped into the doctor's office, the x-ray was already ordered (a referral is required from his primary care doctor) and our visit was quick, not even seeing the doctor. We should be receiving a call tomorrow or Monday from the orthopedic doctor to schedule this required x-ray.

In the meantime, we are making room in our schedule for every Saturday pool physical therapy. Yes, pool therapy and clinic therapy...every week.

******
I sit here while all three kids sleep, eating leftover salad from last nights dinner out of the large metal salad bowl (why dirty another dish, right?). Looking outside-in, this really does not seem like that big of a deal..."Really? You just need an x-ray and PT one to two times a week? What is the big deal?" If it was someone else, I might not see or understand the implication of this...the shuffling of schedules, the developmental delays of our son, the emotions/feelings from the 15-month journey to the stress of not knowing when/if our son will be able to walk or how well he might be able to walk. It is scary. It is stressful. There are many unknowns. How do we balance his needs with the needs of our other two? I feel like we either focus completely on him or completely focus on the needs of the "bigs." Where is the balance?

Like a recent Sabbath Summer post, it requires patience and time. I read the first part of Psalm 18 this afternoon. I was reassured that God indeed hears us when we pray AND he will defend us, protect us, led us, give us what we need and show us His faithfulness. So God, please show up, like you have in the past. May our hearts continue to strive towards you. Be in our marriage, in our relationships with all three of our kids, in both of our jobs, in our friendships. God, we need you and can't do this without you. Amen

Growing a boy: Invitation and Response

I received an invitation today. I pondered it swiftly. Reflected on it briefly and then....I responded. I wish I would have taken a moment of prayer, a sigh inviting Jesus to control my emotions. I did not.

In the moment, I allowed the situation to over take me, to alter my otherwise relaxing moment. I was inconvenienced, stressed. I took on the weight of the conversation as if it were life and death. My mind went to the worst case scenarios, my own failures and how, at some level, it was all "my" fault.

Yet the psalmist writes, "So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory." (Psalm 63:2) And in that place, in the inner most sanctuary of the Lord, there is peace, rest, resolve and hope.

The news, the invitation in which I could choose my response: our son is not progressing in physical therapy and now needs a hip x-ray as well as increased PT appointments...JUST when life seems to be under control, manageable and almost fun with three toddlers. BUT--- does this new diagnosis need to change that? No.

My kids are still the same. Nothing really changed from yesterday to today yet my perspective somehow shifted to this place of burden and negativity...thinking, "just one more thing to squeeze into my day."

Of course, I WANT our son to be healthy. I want to give him the best opportunities available. So, I go to the Lord in prayer:

Psalm 62:1 I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from him.

Change me, Lord. Heal our son. Give me a perspective greater than mine. 

Growing a boy: Fitful Screams

Our sweet, sweet little miracle. He is a fighter, that is for sure! One of the reasons I know he is alive is this fiery spirit God has given him. Most days, I am thankful for this, remembering that the outcome could have been vastly different than the day to day we struggle through now but that does not negate the fact that is is hard and very emotional to have a "spirited" 15-month old.


He gets so worked up and angry when his bottle is finished, throwing it to the floor or across the room. Need a diaper change? Well, if you interrupt his play time you certainly will hear his loud cries from down the street. That toy he stole from his sibling and needs returning? It comes at the cost of a 10-15 minute tantrum in the middle of the living room. In a new place, traveling, and out of routine? Be prepared for fitful screams, kicking feet, constant holding and a bright red-faced boy whose lungs are working very well.

Is it worth it? Yes (I say with hesitance in my voice). It might not be convenient but I know that in the long term it is for the best.

I know that it is nothing I have cause. (As a mother, I first want to blame myself for the way he is....what could I have done differently to help him? Did I do something to cause this behavior?). I find myself emotional, crying at times, most likely out of pure exhaustion more than anything. The screaming gets tiring and the patience gets thin. As a result of his anger, I can be short with my other two children, my friends and even my darling husband. What example/attitude am I leaving for my other children? What do they see and hear? How are they now responding to each other due to my responses towards this anger?


I cannot change him. They are his emotions. He is a little human after all. I can take care of his basic needs with great love but I must surrender. Only God change change him. I must stop making excuses for him, "oh, well, he is just tired." "It is probably teething." "He is just a little off his schedule." It is some times easier to make these excuses than explain my emotions and what is really going on.

I can change my response.

Better yet, I can ask God to change my heart, change him, change the situation.

I must seek wisdom from the Lord, resting in Him, knowing that God wanted ME...yes...ME to be the mother of this little boy. God knew that I would either: 1) be able to "handle" this little boy or 2) this little boy would cause me to press deeper into him. (In my weakness, Christ is made strong). The Bible tells us to do everything with great love, not seeking my own advantage but that of many so that they would be saved through the life of Christ.

So, my new response: accepting the freedom in Christ, trust, hope. I must stop blaming myself for enabling his anger or somehow creating his anger. I must seek God for wisdom and a godly rest (which can only be truly found in Him). In Him, there is renewal.

Sabbath Summer: Missing the Mark

Almost 4 years ago I birthed my first child. Of course a lot of things changed once she was born but on some level I felt as though I could still carry on as usual (well, at least after healing from my 51-hour labor which ended in a c-section!). For the first few months she was content snuggled into her car carrier or in the baby carrier next to my skin as I taught online or volunteered at the church or in the community. My level of service and involvement pretty much stayed the same.

Just 8-months after her birth, my second child was conceived. With some big scares in the first trimester, I was told to "take it easy." Well, for me, easier said then done. The remaining two trimesters were great and our first son was born exactly on his due date and as exactly as planned (wow! when does that ever happen!?!). Our family of four took some time to adjust but when our son turned 5-months old we found our stride and were "back in the game" so to speak.

Well, SURPRISE, just a few months later we found out we were having baby #3. Our kids would be 16 and 16 months apart. When we found out this news we really had to put up some boundaries. Through prayer we asked God what ministries we should put on hold and which we should remain involved with. At first is was hard to allow God to shift our desires but He did. He made it abundantly clear. We had become less busy "doing" and were in the process of learning how to "be."

Seven and a half months after we found out we were pregnant, our son was born. Yup, almost 2 months early. If you have read my previous blogs, you will know what a difficult year this has been. Well, that brings us to current.

After sitting through church service on Sunday (by the way, we has a WONDERFUL guest pastor!), God showed me some "icky" things about myself. Of course, it came during our "Sabbath Summer," just another area God is working on my heart. Here it is:

I have been missing committed service to others since having children. Some where along the way, over the last four years, my thinking shifted from serving to desiring (almost expecting) to be served especially with the challenges of our sweet baby #3 this past year. Did I really think that people "owed" us because of our son's near death experience? Did I take to the victim mentality all too quickly, expecting people to carry my burden? When did I stop engaging with others--walking life with them instead of just focusing on the hardships of my own life? (Or maybe I am just being too hard on myself?)

I missed the mark. When my focus shifted, my view on community shifted. My view on friendship shifted. "My view" became my family (rightfully so in some cases) but at the neglect of serving, knowing and loving others. This is a painful reality to accept, causing me to think of the permanent damage I may have caused in some of these relationships due to selfishness and neglect. Shame on me! It was me who pushed so many away. It was me not being grateful. It was me expecting too much from those around me.

The question that seems to always come up with the "SS" lessons: where do I go from here?

God has been faithful in showing me opportunities to dive back in to people's lives,  re-engage in service and to begin living life together again. Coming out of a very difficult season, this has taken me so much focus and intentionality. Who do I make time for? How do I clear my schedule? How do I care for the needs of others and the needs of my family? How can I learn to shift from negativity to gratitude? These are areas I am trusting the Lord will continue to work. Will you accept my apology? Will you give me grace as I work on these things? I really do desire deep, authentic relationships. It all starts with transparency and the willingness to serve. In the words of the Bible,

"For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many." Matthew 20:28

So, shouldn't I try to do the same?

Growing a Family: Our Sabbath Summer

This summer we declare a Sabbath Summer. By definition Sabbath means rest as to set apart as holy. I might not fully understand all of the complexities of what Sabbath means biblically, but what I do know is that Scripture calls us to "cease strive and know that I [God] am God." Psalm 46:10 (See a Full definition of Sabbath here).

So, our family is going to try this--- resting in God's provision. The rule of Summer Sabbath is simple: Trust God.

In practical terms this means sticking close-ish to home, not pre-planning our summer activities or daily outings. It means being obedient to where and when God calls us to go somewhere or do something. It means limiting the stresses of this chaotic season of life (and one of these stresses is taking my 1, 2, and 3 year olds anywhere by motor-vehicle by myself). It means focusing on the simple yet difficult command in Mark 12:30-31:

³⁰ Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ ³¹ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’There is no commandment greater than these.”

We start this summer with loose boundaries of staying close to home, surrendering our friendships to the Lord and taking joy in celebrating God's Gift of Love through reading scripture and through service. Our goal is to get back to a more simple, clutter-free, media-reduced life, hoping that through this-- more authentic interactions will grow into long established friendships and serving others would become second nature.

If you know anything about me and my extroverted nature, this will be difficult. It is certainly a disciple that will influence (positively) many other area of my life... marriage, relationships with my kids, friendships and service to the church body and community. I pray that through this discipline of Sabbath Summer God will change the way I think and value the people and things around me. I am excited and slightly apprehensive at how this will all play out but after pondering it more I realized....

Isn't this how I should be living anyway?!!?

In those terms, it could also be called a "reset" summer. Whatever it is called, I pray that it brings Glory to God and refocuses our family to what really matters. So...here is to a summer full of the unexpected. A summer of trusting God. A summer of hopeful simplicity. And a summer of authenticity, openness and sharing the Gospel through lifestyle.

In Joy---

Maranatha

2018: My "reset" year

10 days into the New Year...I have made some pretty loft resolutions.

As I reflect backwards on the year before, I also dream about the year ahead.

My "backwards" year sure was eventful... discovered I was pregnant, took two trips to Canada and one road trip to Idaho, dealt with a house flood, birthed a baby who was born unexpectedly early with hours and days spent in and out of the hospital (not knowing if he would live or die), potty trained, my oldest starting preschool, attended two professional ballets, turned 35 and adjusted to being a family of 5 while both my husband and I work full-time. (And these are just a "few" highlights of 2017).

It was probably the toughest year I have endured to-date. EVERY WEEK offered a new challenge which allowed us to press deeper into God and sacrifice so much of ourselves to serve others and take care of the "things" (material and relational) God has gifted us with.

In 2018, my resolutions are big... focusing first on God. Trying to live more radically for Him by getting rid of the excessive physical clutter to make room to mentally focus on relationships.  My desire is to be more intentional about serving those around (my husband and kids included) by a willingness to be "inconvenienced" to obey the calling/directing of the Holy Spirit. It is a big resolution that can only be fulfilled IN Him.

My other "big" resolution is to take just a little better care of myself. It might seem silly to you but I realized I sacrifice so much for my family that I forget to take care of my basic needs... so at the risk of TMI, here are my other 2018 goals: washing my face every night; brushing and flossing TWICE per day instead of just once; being more active (I have been walking laps around my backyard as the kids jump on the trampoline...not exactly how I pictured working out but at least it is exercise); drinking more water and less coffee; and shaving my legs more (silly, I know).

So, here is to a "reset" year. Striving more fiercely towards God and taking better care of myself to being more intentional. It feels good to write these things down, to remember where God has taken me and where He wants me to go.

What about you? What are your big (and small) resolutions in 2018?

Growing a Family: Teaching Gratitude

Luke 12:15"Then he said, 'Beware! Guard against every kind of greed. Life is not measured by how much you own.'”

Proverbs 28:25"Greed causes fighting; trusting the Lord leads to prosperity.

Greed is not something you need to teach. It just so happens by our human nature we are inclined to want more, want what we don't have and want what someone else has. It is a deceitful condition of our heart.  

As adults, many of us have found ways to "hide" or justify this heart condition or make it seem like our greed is culturally acceptable. As an onlooker, we too have on our rosy colored glasses and dismiss this for what it really is: SIN.

Young children on the other hand have little to no filter. They have not yet learned the "art" of self-preservation when it comes to this sin. They see it. They want it. They take it. (And as parents and caretakers we are left with shepherding their young deceitful hearts).

So what do we do? Our children are fighting over a toy. They are not satisfied with the special, once-in-a-while dessert treat, requesting more. The toys, clothes, etc. are just simply not enough. The words formed out of their sweet mouths reflect the struggle and battle that is going on within their hearts. (Luke 6:45: for his mouthspeaks from the overflow of his heart.)

As a response, we turn to the scriptures for training and guidance. We fall on our knees in prayer seeking Wisdom from the One who holds the universe. We question God, seeking areas in our own life where we might be reflecting and unknowingly teaching this behavior to our children.

This is not a battle easily won. It is deeper than just "stuff." It is a lack of recognition and understanding of who God REALLY is and how He will ALWAYS provide for His children. In a way, it is saying that what Jesus did on the cross was not enough. Some reading this might think this is a stretch--- talking about the simple object of a toy to a deeper theological issue such as Christ's death--- yet it is connected. Going back to the 10 Commandments in Exodus 20, we can see that many of the commandments are rooted in this notion of greed which is why God warns us so that we can be on guard.

The challenge is figuring out how to translate this to a 3-year-old. The ideas of appreciating what you have, being content and satisfied, the concept of giving and sharing. And even more convicting, living these things out in our own lives before calling out our children. We can take away their stuff (natural consequences); we can minimize their closet full of toys; we can force them to give their things away but the root problem is still there: sin. The ugly three letter word that the enemy tries so hard to use to distract us from living our life as co-heirs with Christ. 

So I conclude this blog post with not a "10-simple ways" list to teach our children gratitude but rather a plea to see the deeper spiritual issue and pray. Pray. PRAY. for the wisdom that only God can give. As you do, PLEASE SHARE! :) Many of us struggle with this sin (whether it be us or our children). Lets join together, support each other and speak truth in love, sharing what the Lord Himself is revealing. 

Romans 12:2 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

Growing a Family: YET GOD

It is official, I no longer have three kids under the age of three. Although I would have hoped that things would change instantly, my hopes were unfilled.

It has been a journey to say the least having 3 children. Our young sure threw us for a loop in more ways than one but now he is a health 16.5 pound 4-month old who is sleeping roughly 4-5 hour stretches at night. His older siblings have adjusted well. The oldest asserting her independence and our second child learning how to use words and communicate;  and we are all finding what I like to call our new normal.

In the early days of our adjustment, I felt desperately that I would never be able to watch all three kids at the same time alone. How things have changed.

God has been teaching us more and more about trusting Him, letting the sometimes urgent but unimportant things pass us by, and the joy and significance of a messy house.  After almost losing our youngest at least 2 or three times, I have come to embrace, smell and be more than present in every. single. moment.

On the completion of some days... okay, lets be honest...most days...I feel like a total failure. I have NO IDEA what I am doing. In every new season of life, it is the first for me...the first time having a 3 year old; the first time having three kids; the first time potty training; the first time having to exclusively pump breastmilk for my son; first time loving and disciplining each child in the new stage they are in. The list goes on. Yet even when I feel like a failure, reflecting back on all the thing I could have done better or differently, God speaks to me:

 "I. Will. Teach. You." 

So powerful!! Reading books, articles, talking with others in the same season and those who have gone before are all helpful activities and do offer valuable insights, yet God. Yet God, Yet God wants to teach me. He is THE source to teach me.  So what does this mean?

It means I need to stop working in my own power. It means I need to pray more. Read more scripture. Teach my children more scripture. Seek God on disciplinary decisions. Yet God. Two powerful words that are changing my parenting style.

It means staying in the NOW...not looking ahead for tomorrow (for it is not guaranteed). It means not worrying about "messing up" my kids...because if I am in His presence, trusting HIM in each moment, He will teach me!

So at the end of the day, when I sit and reflect on the happenings of the day, I no longer recount my moments of failure. Instead, I pray for each child, replaying the special moments I had with each one of them (being intentional throughout the day to have one-on-one time with each of them). It means enjoying this season of life even though it is hard. It means being brave to take all three kids out by myself on visits or to the store or the library. It means staying focused on the call of Motherhood God has given me, forsaking many other "good" ministry activities so that I can embrace my small little humans. It means that I stop folding clothes or doing the dishes when my daughter asks me to play dolls with her. It means that I stop preparing dinner to play trucks with my son. It means sitting on the kitchen floor, as dirty as it maybe, and having a snack, a cuddle or a sing-song session. It means holding my youngest tightly as I sit on the couch and smell him, noticing his thick hair, the wrinkles on his forehead instead of examining the living room for the next thing that has to be done. It means making my marriage a priority in the midst of caring for these three humans. It means seeking God for the time and motivation for self-care: working out, studying the Bible, having visits with friends.

There is no way around it, it is a busy and sometimes tough season, YET GOD! He is so good to me in all that He provides. I have decided...I have chosen to be so very thankful for this difficult season, embracing my marriage and kids in the present moment. It is a difficult exercise but at the end of each day, I have little to no regrets. Praise the Lord.

YET. GOD!  "I WILL teach you..." It is a promise He gives. Lets embrace it!

Growing a boy: Reset & Reboot

Tomorrow is the Sabbath. A day that should be set aside to reboot and reset before another week begins. A day to give thanks to God. A day of reflection. It sounds peaceful, serene. In today's culture some of the world stops...closes for the day. Shuts down. Rests. When it does it gives us an excuse, a reason, to take things a little slower.

For example, no mail can be sent or delivered. No face-to-face banking transactions can be made. It is as if it is a "free space" while playing BINGO...one more day to rest.

Longing.

My heart longs for this type of rest. This type of peace. Just one moment when I can reboot my soul...reset my settings. Take a breath without worry of missing out on the things that are most important to me: my relationship with God, husband, kids, family and friends.

Reflection comes in the short drive from my house to the hospital. It comes when I have a moment to go to the bathroom or when I finally take time to eat a meal or drink some water. My mind gets clouded by the list of things that needs to get done...should get done...or haven't gotten done.

My once focused heart has turned to survival in the midst of the challenging days I encounter. I'm thankful for music that stirs my heart back to the Creator...random Bible verse I see as a scroll through the pages of Facebook. The friends who visit me in the hospital...simply to visit with ME...not to see my preemie son or get the latest medical update...just to see (and recognize) me. It is refreshing.

Life in the throws of challenges is more deeply intertwined with every aspect of my life. I never imagined that I would be so effected physically and emotionally as I have been. As much as I want a reset, a reboot, I am thankful for my current sufferings.

James 1:2-5

² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

It is with this perspective I have done so well. I have my moments of tears yet through those tears I see God's grace and tender mercies towards me as I look into the face of the 6 pound infant HE decided to save. I am eternally grateful to the Father of Life for allowing us these days with our third child. Although the verse above promises that I will be mature and complete...lacking nothing...I still have a ways to go. It is a life journey of living the Sabbath everyday. Taking moments every day to reset, reboot, refocus, reflect and fix my eyes on the Creator who gives life.

What a miracle it is to be seen by Him, used by Him, and preserved by His gracious hand.

Growing a boy: Happy Birthday Son

Sunday, April 2, 2017: Bed Rest Day 6
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON!! 
(33 weeks/2 days gestation)


The night was horrible. I was never able to really get to bed. My right leg hurt so bad that I couldn't even move it on my own. It felt like a 100 pound brick. My belly was so big that it prevented me from being able to get a full cough or full breath. The pressure from the increased fluid made it impossible to urinate. Contractions were peaking to the point of feeling like I was in full labor resulting in a 1 cm dilation (totaling 4 cm and 75% effaced). As my body processed all of these rather quick changes I began to shake uncontrollably. Finally, around 4:30am the torture was put to ease. The first pain med did not even touch the pain. They gave me a 1/2 dose of another, much stronger, pain med. This mildly eased the pain until they completed with a full dose.  My body was finally able to rest.

We had the nurse call our doctor at two points during the night to consult and the on-call doc gladly came in to access the situation. I had made some progression but not enough that warranted a c-section at 5 in the morning. At this point, I was healthy and the baby was healthy. I slept for about 2 hours.

By 7am I was woken up by our nurse saying that our 12:30pm ultrasound got bumped up to 7am but only if we could leave immediately. Of course, we did. Our 1-hour appointment would be telling of our next course of action. It was a blessing and miracle that we could get this done first thing in the morning so that we could revise our game plan if needed.

The ultrasound tech measured my fluid levels...I was back up to 53 AFI (Thursday I was 40 and the day before 57...what the heck is going on?). Anyway, one of the major things the ultrasound would reveal is baby's respiratory function. For a 30-min window they needed to see him "breath" on his own. They were unable to see this. This is common or could have simply been missed.We were given a few new images of our sweet baby boy and then taken back up to our room.

I was super hungry at this point, roughly 8am. The last time I ate was "dinner" at 6pm which consisted of a few bites of fruit and a coffee from the hospital lobby. While they were trying to reach my doctor to determine if I could eat, the baby was put back on the monitor to measure his heart. With the excess fluid, it is difficult to keep him on the monitor because he has a big swimming pool to float around in. When he slowed down for a little while the nurses noticed that his heart was not accelerating the way it should. It was staying at his baseline but that was all.

I was getting a little anxious to hear the official ultrasound results, to further understand this "issue" with his heart and his breathing; and I was lightheaded because I needed food. Despite all of this, we waited patiently in our room until around 10:30am when the NICU doctor, Dr. Flood, and our OB/GYN Dr. Stearman appeared in our room to discuss all that was discovered and all that had changed (again) in the last 24-hours.

Per the the recommendation of both the NICU doc and my OB/GNY, around 11am, Tyler and I decided it was best for our family to have a baby today. It was a relatively ease decision as we reflected back on this whole week's set of events, risks vs. benefits as well was what was best for me and baby (especially in light of the night I had and the test results from baby). I was not anticipating a c-section until Friday yet it appeared that baby was doing just "ok" and not showing any signs of improving in the womb. Trying to push us both to make the 34-week mark would be of no benefit. It actually may have made things worse.

Shortly after this decision, the room cleared and it was just Tyler, me and my OB/GYN. She patiently and lovingly answered all of our questions. She even had tears in her eyes as she watched us process through the emotions of what was going to happen in the next hour or so. Going into this surgery to retrieve our son, we knew there was still a 50/50 chance of survival. I remember saying though tears and labored breathing, "But I just love our son so much already and I haven't even met him. I don't want to lose him," Tyler asked if our doctor would be okay if he prayed over me. She got a little smile on her face and joined us! As I laid on the bed, Tyler held my hand and our doctor laid hands on my belly and prayed over us. She prayed that this baby would be a fighter; she prayed for steady hands and wisdom; she prayed that I would do okay with the surgery. It was amazing. We said our amens' looking at each other with tears in our eyes, not knowing the fate of this baby boy.

Moments later things started happening rapidly. I was cleaned and changed for surgery. Still having pain, I was given a slight dose of pain meds (thank goodness! This helped with the pain and calmed my nerves). Tyler put on scrubs and within 20 minutes we were back in the OR. I was asked to sit on the OR table and hunch over my belly...yea, easier said than done!... so the epidural could be placed. I closed my eyes, focused on my breathing and squeezed Tyler's hands all while praying over our son and the traumatic events that my son and I would go through.

The OR was joined be another through clear glass doors. I remember sitting on the OR table and seeing the clock, 11:47am, as the NICU team started to appear and set up the OR next to mine for my unborn son. I was quickly lowered onto the table since the epidural was starting to kick in. Things from there were kinda a blur. I was a little loopy from the pain meds given prior to the surgery and the other IV meds began to really effect me as well. It was kinda a drunk/out-of-it feeling. As the surgeons began to cut I could feel no pain and I could feel the weight of the fluid coming off. It was an amazing sensation! It literally sounded like a shop vac in there as they suctioned all the fluids. I felt minimal tugging and pulling because my uterus was so stretched out. He came out very quickly and easily at 12:19pm. I vaguely remember seeing someone walking from my OR to my sons'...just steps away, but I didn't get to see him or hear any cries (which was expected). From that moment forward, Tyler was doing the best he could to be there for me as well as our son. I told him to just enjoy being with our son, especially since we had no idea what his condition was really like. Tyler took a few pictures of our son and walked back over to show me as they prepared to close my incision. That was the first time I got to "see" our son. I looked back up at the clock, 12:23pm. By 12:40 the NICU team and Tyler left their OR and I remained as they wrapped things up. As the rolled me down the hallway to the recovery, I ended up throwing up a bit. An unpleasant side effect of the epidural medication. Tyler and I FaceTimed while I was in recovery so I could get a better look at baby. During this conversation I learned that our son, not more than an hour old, would need to be transferred up to Seattle Children's Hospital.

I was so sad that I would not even get to see him or touch him for days since I just had a major surgery myself and was in recovery "lock down" for 2-hours post-op. I knew he needed to catch a ride to Seattle as soon as possible so I settled in mind that it would be at least two or three days before I would see him. Well, my wonderful dream-team of nurses "snuck" me up to the NICU at TG so that I could lock eye on him and touch his precious little feet. It literally felt like Christmas, only 1000x more exciting. I seriously was jumping out of my gurney with excitement to see him. I was wheeled into the room backwards and immediately began to cry tears of joy. All the physical pain I was feeling suddenly went away as I gently stroked his feet and called him by his name. I was the very first person to call him by name, OLIVER SINCLAIR!

When I began talking to him and saying his name, although intubated, his little tongue started to move backwards and forwards. He would do this only for me. HE KNEW HIS MOMMA! My heart melted. It was as if he was telling me that he was ready to fight. That he was strong. And that the battle was won in Jesus. I was overwhelmed by this moment! It was incredibly sad to be rolled out of the room with only getting such a short amount of time with him. My heart was breaking...what if he was in Seattle and took a turn for the worst and I wasn't there? I tried not to think on that too much...but instead tried to rest God's promises and scripture.

My friend Siobhan stayed with me every moment from being rolled out of the OR until the next day. It was a huge comfort to have someone who would pray over me, help me adjust my pillows, listen to my struggles or simply just sit in silence as I processed the whirlwind of a day. The day ended not nearly as dramatically as it started; however, it was strange that on my son's birthday I was without a son and without a husband. It was hard to realize that my body felt like I just gave birth but my baby was no where to be seen. I struggled with wanting to know what was happening at each moment with him to being so exhausted I fought to keep my eyes open.

We still have a LONG road ahead, counting each day we have with him a blessing and covering him with so much prayer that it is almost unfathomable. We do not know what will happen in front of us but we do know that God has given sweet Oliver Sinclair to us for today...in this moment. So we will soak it in. Enjoy this sweet personality and lean on Jesus even more!

Happy Birthday, our son, Oliver Sinclair.

What Does It Mean: Making Time for "Me"

Yesterday was a luxury. My husband "gave me" the morning off from our sick kids so I could sneak out of the house to grade papers at Starbucks and run a few errands. It was an effort to get out of the house since I have been under the weather too but I desperately needed to get away.

I set-up shop at Starbucks with my piping hot coffee, steaming breakfast sandwich and laptop. It only took me an hour and a half to get caught up on emails and papers. I was excited to go to clothing shopping for the kids at the very last Quarter Sale at my favorite consignment shop followed by a quick trip to the Dollar Store to buy supplies for our upcoming neighborhood gathering.

Three hours later, I walked in the door to chaos. Children crying, house a mess, a husband rushing around trying to get out the door to hang out with a friend.

I sat on the couch scarfing down my leftover pizza accompanied by the screeches and cries of my 1 and 2 1/2 year old children who were "napping." What a relaxing homecoming. I wish I could say I felt refreshed and energized after my three hours away but I came home exhausted. Maybe it is being 24-weeks pregnant, recovering from being sick or the lack of sleep at night from my "I don't want to sleep at night" 1-year-old son. Either way it was not what I anticipated.

As I sat on the couch eating I began to think, "what does it mean to take time for me?" Reflecting on the day, I realized the my morning was filled with doing things for other people: grading papers for my students, shopping for clothing for my kids, buying supplies for my neighbors. Although I enjoy all of those things and they do bring me satisfaction to an extent...it was busy and non-refreshing.

So, what does it mean to take time for me?

Becoming a mother has changed how I think about time for me.

Here are 11 new ways I have discovered, "What it means to make time for me:"

1. Taking a nap while the kids are sleeping.
2. Enjoying a HOT cup of coffee while reading a quick devo or a page of a book as the kids eat breakfast.
3. Watching Grey's Anatomy on Thursday nights while folding laundry (side note: this past weeks episode was so disappointing).
4. Calling a friend to catch-up since getting together is a huge challenge with sickness, nap schedules, etc.
5. Shopping without the kids, regardless of what I am buying.
6. The splurge to get a pedicure...ALONE. (My husband supports this habit monthly when I am pregnant...I'm a blessed girl).
7. Sitting in church service on Sundays and Tuesdays (with childcare) as I connect with others who share my beliefs. 
8. Taking a few extra minutes to wash my face in the morning and evening...I LOVE my new Arbonne Products!
9. Blogging :) as my oldest plays on the floor and my son sleeps.
10. Dancing along side my daughter in her mommy & me ballet class.
11. Buying the "expensive" laundry soap and scent boosters for my clothing. It brings me joy to have the fresh, long lasting scent lingering on my clothes. 

Whether you are a mother or not, work full-time or not, it can be hard to make time for "me." How do you do it? What do you do? Please leave comments here. I am always looking for new ways to make time to rest, reflect and rejuvenate in the craziness we call life!

Be blessed.

"...in a dry and weary land"

Psalm 63:1: "O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly; My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water."

This week, I have been reflecting on this verse because of the conviction it brings. When I first read this I felt ashamed. In many ways I have lost my first love, Jesus. Yet in other ways I seem to follow hard after Him. When did my life become this duality of followership?

"I shall seek YOU earnestly."
In a culture that is very self-absorbed, I have found myself no different. Although I am better than I was, I often seek to please myself over pleasing God. This morning would be a great example....I have my Bible Study sitting up on the kitchen counter, papers that have been left ungraded, and emails from students who are needing help. Yet, how did I spend the last 3 hours......? Watching Grey's Anatomy, following friends on Facebook, looking up recipes on Pinterest....generally being lazy. I do think it is good to have days every once and a while in which relaxation (aka laziness) is valuable, BUT that does not mean to push off the Holy Spirit when He whispers in my ear, "Come, spend time with Me." Ashamed! Convicted! I have been found out!

Lord, please help me EARNESTLY, WHOLE-HEARTILY seek you because I know that you can always be found. And when I find you, there you give me rest! Help me learn how to apply this in my life today!

"My soul thirsts for You."
To be honest, when I read this I was thinking things like: My soul thirsts for Starbucks, maybe a glass of wine....OH and a smoothie! Okay, I know that that is NOT what this passage is talking about, but I think about these earthy cravings I have and how my thirst for the Lord does not even compare. (Insert sad face here).

I remember a few summers ago when it was in the 80's during the "cool" of the evening. I was driving home from somewhere I had just HAD to pull into a gas station for water because I was SOOOO parched. This is a good reminder of how I should live EVERY DAY! I should need so desperately the LIFE and the "water" that only Jesus can provide so much so that I am WILLING to stop, pull my life over to the side of the road and have communion with my Lord. I pray that this will become the desire of my life.

"My flesh yearns for you."
Again, like above, this is not the first thing that I thought of when I thought about what my "flesh yearns" for. I thought of things like: being number one at work, striving to be the "best" friend, trying to be a better runner. etc. These things, when put in the proper place, are not bad. YET-- they should not be my number one desire for living. My number one desire for living should be to GLORIFY CHRIST IN ALL THAT I DO.

(I like [and dislike at the same time] that ALL means ALL...adding just a bit more conviction).

How do I live my life daily as to share Jesus with others? It is easy to say that people will know Him by my actions....yes, this is true, BUT how am I talking about Jesus (or am I talking about Him at all?).

I know that I talk a lot about my husband and my friends who are here on earth. Am I giving the same (if not MORE) talk time about Jesus?

(OUCH! More conviction!)

"...in a dry and weary land where there is no water."
I have to realize that this world is pale, empty and poor compared to knowing the Lord (as the song goes). It is TRUE! This earth is dry, weary, sad and offers no real HOPE, but I am thankful that I serve the GOD OF HOPE. I need to remember to seek Him first and seek Him earnestly. I need to thirst for Him because He is the only one who can quench my soul. I need to yearn for Him above the things of this world. And I need to remember that this world is dry and weary, but I serve and love a God who gives HOPE, LIFE, LOVE, and GRACE.

I pray you are blessed today as you feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit and are moved to put Him first in your life above all other things.

To God Be the Glory.

A Gift: Food Allergies

Paul, a well-known apostle of Jesus, once talked about the “thorn in his flesh,” the one thing that kept him reliant on the Lord. Although he never reveals to his readers what this metaphorical thorn was, we can certainly learn from his struggle and surrender.

Asking the Lord three times to remove this particular “thorn,” God never did. I wonder why.

I have many struggles that are hard, if not impossible to overcome. Some are emotional while others are physical…my food allergies!

In the recent weeks, I think I have developed an intolerance to dairy. The last two nights, you could find me either curled up on the floor or on my bed gasping from intense stomach cramps. The first night I think I got only 2 hours of sleep because of the pain.

At first, I felt self-pity….”Why me!?!?” “Really? One more thing to add to my list of 10 food allergies?!?!” “Why now, Lord?!”

This is the conversation occurred in my head as my husband rushed out to find some type of medical relief….I am now VERY thankful for the creators of Lactaid! J

Yet last night, day two of the stomach cramps, as a laid frustrated and restless in bed, the Lord revealed to me Paul’s story mentioned above. Just like Paul, God has “gifted” me with my food allergies (and now dairy intolerance) as a means to press more into Him and to draw me closer to Himself. Could it be that the Lord is saving me from something that I cannot see? Is he protecting me from something that could/would happen if I did not have these “presents?”

I believe that God works all things together for good…even food allergies and dairy intolerances! Whether these things came on simply because we live in a fallen world or because my body chemistry has changed, the reason does not matter. God uses all creation to testify about His glory.

It is easy to see allergies, lost jobs, sick kids, or any other obstacle as a pure burden. I have only found grief, frustration, and anger when I look at things like these as burdens. Instead, I am trying to see them as gifts, as presents, as God protecting me from something bigger…from something I cannot see.

What has God brought into your life that on the surface looks like a burden, but is actually a blessing?