Growing in Faith: Widely Complex Emotions {change}

When a season ends, we sit and we reflect. We mourn and we celebrate. We take a deep breath and pause in silence.

What next?

The Band-Aid feels like it is ripped off way too soon, but then you realize that your wounds are healing. They needed air and space so that the skin could be fully renewed.

Seasons in life are like this. What feels like “it is gone too soon” or what feels like “I can’t breathe” when a season changes, we know we are stronger than we were when we first entered the season. Many lessons have been learned. We slowly let our hand off the handrail to realize that we didn’t fall…but in case you were worried, you looked back to see your village standing behind you cheering you on.

You cry. You grieve. Your emotions are widely complex yet you know… 

YOU. ARE. ENOUGH. 

You are seen. You are loved. You, dear friend, have a purpose beyond any purpose you can see for yourself. Just being who you were created to be has left a lasting impression on those around you. You learned to show up—cry with others, pray deeply, listen more closely, and refrain from being the center of every conversation. To be at the table, known by name, is simply enough.

These widely complex emotions are valid. Sit in them. Allow yourself to feel all the feels …then...just then, when you process, cry, and grieve, look up. Know that the Father above looks upon you with deep joy, love, and kindness. You are His. He already knows where the next fork in the road will take you. Trust Him. Trust the road. Have faith that the next season will bring about a great impact on your life. It, too, will change you and heal you in unexpected ways. Lean into it. Change is hard. Change is frustrating and at times anger producing – but don’t sit there. Grieve your loss, come to an acceptance of sorts, and look forward to embrace the beautiful seasons ahead—seasons that have been predestined by the Lord, JUST. FOR. YOU. Yes, just for you.

Those in this season may find their way onto your new path once again, your new road. Welcome them. And at the same time, allow yourself to fully embrace those who walk shoulder to shoulder with you in this new season. Even if the new season is unexpected (or comes far too early), know there is a greater plan. A far greater plan than you may ever know or see. YOU. ARE. SEEN. You are seen so much that, the Creator of all, deeply cares about the widely complex emotions you are feeling. HE. WILL. HEAL. YOU. He will heal you, perhaps not in a physical way, but rather in a deep spiritual way. So let the Band-Aid be removed. Feel all of the feels. Grieve. Accept. Pray. Trust.

GOD. HAS. YOU.

He always has and He always will. Day by day your wounds are healing, your heart is transforming and your new season will change your (body, mind, and spirit) in ways that only the Creator can. Embrace it with deep passion, with deep trust, and great joy. (But it’s okay to take a moment and grieve…allow yourself to sit there for a moment, in silence, washed by the Spirit).

 

Then, move forward in great hope. You have a purpose and a gift the world desperately needs. Share it.

Growing a family: Defeated in the Victory

 Have you ever felt defeated even in your victory? Today feels like that kinda day.

1. A decision was made.
   
2. I am on my way in a few short minutes for one of two medical appointments this week.
3. My son has an even bigger appointment in just a few days.
4. We are celebrating a birthday and a half-birthday.

 

So much to celebrate. So much to mourn. So much to process. So much to just trust it ALL with the Lord.

The Lord is faithful, even in our failings. The Lord is faithful, even when we make a decision (not knowing what is better or best). The Lord is faithful as we wait for diagnosis. The Lord is always faithful. 

We must remember this when we feel defeated on our victory. Why? BECAUSE WE ARE VICTORIOUS! We stand in a position with the Most High. Because HE fights for us. As our pastor said on Sunday--we know the end of the Book. We win. 

Let us hold that posture today. We might **FEEL** defeated but we are not. We are victorious IN HIM and in Him, He works all things together for good.

I will try to rest in this today. Will you?

Growing in Faith: Serving in Hardship

When something hard or unexpected happens, I have learned to control my reactions through the help of the Holy Spirit. My former-self would talk and talk about what had happened. I would post and re-post my experience. At times, I would even exaggerate what had actually happened. Then, I asked myself, "why?!?"

Did I want empathy? Did I want to be known or seen? Did I want others to feel sorry for me or comfort me by bringing me a meal or sending a card? 

I never fully understood why I sought this "attention seeking" reaction. I am relieved that Scripture gives us a different way to react to our hard situations: SERVE!

Yes, when we are faced with hard or unexpected circumstances, we are called to serve! We see a wonderful example in Matthew 7:14-17.

Peter's mother-in-law is sick with a fever. 

"So he [Jesus] touched her hand, and the fever left her. THEN she got up and began to SERVE him."  (emphasis added) Matt. 7:15

Now, that is not the reaction I would have expected. Why didn't she stop to chat with Jesus? Or ask questions as to HOW He healed her (or WHY He healed her). Instead, she took action (got up) and served. She did not wallow in her former misery. She did not try to understand what had happened or why, rather, she did what she was meant to do.

I found it difficult to move from my former "attention seeking" thinking and attitude, however, as I did my relationships with those around me become so much richer and my attitude towards life and its circumstances stopped feeling too big and so overwhelming. Because... we are created to serve. No matter your capacity, limitations or spiritual giftings....YOU ARE CREATED TO SERVE!

Are you struggling with this same "attention seeking" thinking? If so, give it to God. When you are faced with hardship, seek ways to serve those around you. From experience, it reduces anxiety and heals the soul in ways that wallowing never will.

"A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart." Luke 6:45

 

Growing in Faith: That is just too far....

That is just too far.....

I hear this from my kids all of the time when we are biking or hiking (especially on a new, unfamiliar trail). "It is too far." "Where is the end?" "Is it time to stop?" "I'm tired (even though we just started)."

Although is it not quite the same, in Matthew 5:38-42, Jesus calls us to walk the extra mile, go beyond what is requested, asked or demanded of us (whether it seems unfair or not). ...to go beyond what is expected or necessary. 

I am overwhelmed at this thought. "What, God? You want me to DO MORE?" In a season where I already feel burdened, I couldn't imagine stretching myself any more than I already am...but:

I do not believe this is what Jesus is asking of us. 

In context, Roman soldiers could demand any Jewish citizen to carry a load such as food or military equipment, for one Roman mile, as they traveled city to city. It was often forced on that unknowing citizen. It was hard, exhausting and at times excruciating. Why, then, would Jesus state, "And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two."

After prayer and reflection, here is what I came up with:

• As believers, we are called to highlight God. (When I worked in the corporate world, we called it "surprise and delight the customer"). Since going the second mile was uncommon, it would call the Roman solider to inquire as to why the citizen would voluntarily offer such a painful task.
• Going the extra mile displays generosity and expresses a deep unconditional compassion.
  
• Jesus calls us to take care of those around us. By taking their burden, even for just two "short" Roman miles, we are giving space for God to work in their lives in a different manner.
• We are to respect authority (even if we do not agree) and at the same time challenge authority, in a productive and meaningful way.
• Going the extra mile allows us to build (unexpected) relationships though shared experiences and otherwise uncommon connections.

If I had more time (and I wish I did), I am sure I could ponder this thought more. But work and children are beckoning....so, I will leave you with this:

How is Jesus calling you to "go the extra mile," remembering that it is not *doing more* or *adding more* to you list, but rather taking the opportunities presented to you daily as a means to glorify the Lord?

I challenge you to read this short passage for yourself in Scripture, asking God how you might apply this practice of going the extra mile. Is is easy? NO. Is it worth it.....ALWAYS.

 

Maranatha.

~B~

Growing in Faith: Flavorless

After a sales interaction, have you ever walked away with a bad taste in your mouth, so to speak? Something about the interaction just didn't "sit right" with you. You leave feeling perplexed, maybe even slightly frustrated, unsettled, unsatisfied or angry despite purchasing the object you intended to purchase. 

Sometimes as believers, we "taste" like this...we lose our flavor, lose our focus, and as a result can turn people FROM the Gospel instead of towards it. We grumble and complain, critique or argue. We act grumpy, lash out in anger or make events in our life seem so daunting...all. of. the. time. We forget the blessing of our relationship with Jesus. We turn from gratitude.

In Matthew 5:13, Jesus describes us as "salt." Salt had a very important function in Jesus' day: food preservation/prevention of decay and brought out the flavor within food (among other purposes).

The Bible says:

Colossians 4:6 - Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.

Mark 9:50 - Salt is good, but if the salt has lost its saltiness, how will you make it salty again? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with one another.”

As believers, we are called to help prevent decay and immorality in our world, our spheres of influence. We are to bring an important "flavor" or a way of living that promotes life. Our lives are to point TO Jesus by how we respond and engage with our community.

I ask, have you lost your "flavor?" Are you striving towards peace and graciousness within your relationships: marriage, family, friends, neighbors? 

As we continue our transformation into Christ's likeness, let us strive towards "salty speech." Let our lives be reflections of God's graciousness towards us and extend that grace to others. Let our lives be a place where others find rest, where others can come for healing from the decay of this world...a respite. Practice "eating" the Fruit of the Spirit (Love; Joy; Peace; Patience; Kindness; Goodness; Faithfulness; Gentleness; Self-control). Practice being "pouring out" like salt.

You and your world will be better for it.

Enjoy your Tuesday.

~B~

Growing a boy: Exploring Sensory

Hello All- As you can imagine, my mind is flooded since yesterday's discovery as I slowly put pieces together regarding Oliver's (possible) sensory stuff.

I have a MILLION questions: "are sensory bins really needed? Why do they help? How do they help? Should OSH wear his ear muffs all of the time? Am I enabling him or creating a dependency for them instead of allowing him to learn how to "cope" with the world around him? (And the list goes on!) I am learning that there is no "user manual" or step-by-step instructions but rather 1) seeking the Lord 2) trusting His wisdom 3) studying/observing Oliver in a new way and finally, 4) trial and error. Even though I am overwhelmed today at what all of this could (and DOES) mean, God provides...and here is how:

My beloved dropped the two older kids off at school so it was just Oliver and I, palling around before my Bible study started. I had to make a quick stop at the grocery store before the meeting. Since the store just opened, and only one other car was in the parking lot, I decided not to give Oliver his ear muffs. In the store, our normal discourse occurred (on repeat, I might add), "where are we going? What's that sound? Did you see it?" (Three common questions OSH asks at least 85-hundred-million times a day (in the words of our second child). I rambled off what I saw and heard and then directed his questions back to him like I normally do. It was a fairly uneventful trip. However, at the check-out line, the woman ahead of me, who also had a young child, started to engage with Oliver. She asked him his name and how old he was. Through the conversation, it came out that she was a special education teacher who teaches "sensory kids." WHAT!?! What providence it that!?! I reached out for her and told her that I needed her input on this recent discovery. We then chatted in the parking lot (while Oliver wiggled and squirmed in my arms). She "KNEW" my son! This (sensory whatever-he-has-thing) is REAL! She said, I bet he loved being outside more than inside. YES! She gave some examples of tools she has used with kids. She affirmed the use of ear muffs whenever he might be in a situation that is loud, busy or chaotic. It was like she gave me permission to not justify Oliver or why he is wearing ear muffs or why he doesn't act like a "normal" 2.5 year old. I felt excited. This is a real life thing. In addition, we have a PT appointment scheduled for tomorrow! I am hoping we can continue to learn more about Oliver.

I still have NO clue on what all of "this" means or how to help Oliver, but it feels so great knowing that I AM a good parent! That Oliver is just not "acting out." He has a real problem and now I can help him navigate towards a solution (or solutions). For me, really, this is life changing! I no longer have to feel embarrassed about his outbursts or his intense personality. I don't have to make excuses for him or explain his whole birth story to prove the point that "he has just gone through a lot." Yes, Oliver HAS gone through a lot but I am so thankful that he is alive. He displays God's character is so many ways. It is my privilege to teach him how to emphasize those amazing attributes. I am blessed ... SO BLESSED... by all of your loving feedback, prayers, ideas, podcasts, and acknowledgement. This new discovery has taken a huge mental toll but I know that we are not alone in this! Keep your advice and resources coming! And please pray for us! I fight the thoughts that I am just "making this up" or "making a bigger deal out of this then I need to." 

I am so, so grateful for every one!

Growing a boy: HE SURVIVED

With each passing year it is easy to celebrate the fact that as parents we have kept our child alive for another year. But what is so significant about celebrating our youngest is a fact that he has survived… Against all odds… another year.


Not only is he surviving, he is THRIVING! Surpassing milestones and proving every day that God has transformed his life in immeasurable ways since before his inception. 

It is easy in the season to reflect on the hardships leading up to delivery. It is still emotional but as I reflected on a walk this morning… I was reminded of just how big our God is and how he speaks to us so personally. 

Oliver‘s birthday is a memorial stone for me. A day to celebrate and rejoice friendship, community, family and a God who is so big… So unfathomable... that I just can’t help but leap for joy, raise my hands in praise and REJOICE. 

We go into this second year of life helping Oliver threw a little cold… Using the nebulizer and wondering if his lungs are OK. Wondering how his x-ray results will turn out. Questioning the use of his right leg and hand… But he is laughing, just started jumping with both feet and throws a ball more accurately than his mama ever could. He brings so much joy; making us a family of five. Together in God‘s presence. It is a joy and a privilege to continue this epic journey of parenthood to a two-year-old toddler. 

Today, (the scary day before his delivery just two years ago), I mourn but I also rejoice. It is so wonderful to be reminded of our GREAT God. We give HIM praise for the past two years and look expectantly to the future HE has for this crazy, fierce little boy.

Happy Birthday Eve, OSH.

Resist & Enjoy: A new kinda hard

Our schedule is back to full-swing, so to speak. All of our obligations have occurred at least once and we are on our way to a "normalized" routine (although every day still looks different).

Last year was one of the hardest of my life, filled with doubts and unknowns about our youngest and the stress of keeping up with work and life while raise two other toddlers.

This year we enter "pumpkin spice" season with a very new toddler at 1.5 years, an almost 3-yr old and a 4-yr old. Busy and overwhelming to say the least. I sit on the floor today almost in tears, feeling as if I can't keep up with these little treasures and work and maintain a household and a life. Not sure what to do, I bury my head in my hands and pray. What we "should" be doing is playing outside, enjoying the last few glimpses of the sunny weather. Guilt over takes me. But why?

I feel inadequate to the mother of these children. Words escape me when they need them the most and my tired body drags through the motions of lunch, dinner, bedtime...you want PB&J for lunch an dinner? Sure! That fits into the "healthy" food category, right? These things seem to matter less and less to me. Guilt again...because I SHOULD care about heathy, well-balanced meals. I try.

The days before us are busy but God is faithful. He is adequate. He has allowed me to mother these children. I cozy into Him for His extra grace, gentle pat on the back and a moments relief from the tantrums and toys being thrown around me. Thank you, Jesus, for my life! It could have been so much different. We could have only had two children, not three. I could be unemployed. We could not have a church or a place to live or..... this list of gratitude runs deep. So, here is to living life FOR Jesus and WITH Jesus, embracing the hard times and rejoicing in them. This season is just a new kind of hard but I am so grateful for it. May He get the glory. Amen.

Resist & Enjoy: What does "important" mean?

It's not yet halfway through September. The schedule is full, I am forgetting things and the rhythm of rush has pushed through my front door (Man! I thought I locked it tight!). So here we are. FALL.

Swimming, ballet, gymnastics. Work, dating my spouse, playing with my kids, friendships, exercise. Bible study, ministry leader, personal quiet time. Planning dinner, planning activities, planning....planning....planning.

But it should. be. different.

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

On a Sunday not long ago, our pastor pointed out that Jesus was never in a rush. Wow! How powerful! What can I do my life differently, like Jesus?

RELATIONSHIP. FOCUS.

In my personal study time today, here is what God revealed to me about His way: 

"How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone. What you ought to say is, “If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.” Otherwise you are boasting about your own pretentious plans, and all such boasting is evil." James 4:14-16

By spending TIME with Jesus, He can renew my mind. When my mind is renewed, I will no longer stress about all of the planning but rather rejoice in TODAY...after all, that is all we are promised, right? Wow does that change things just a wee-bit, huh?

I am also seeing this concept of time in a different way (living in today) when my daughter started her second year of preschool. Driving her to her first day I realized that one-day, not far off, all three of my children will be in "all-day school"......!!!!! Wait?! WHAT? In just a few years? THE DISHES CAN WAIT! I only have 1,095 more days until my three kids are in school?! Three years. It's not much time, regardless on how big the number looks. My 4-year-old proved that. So, priorities. 

What matters?

RELATIONSHIP.

As my handsome husband says, "The important stuff will get done." I think I have misinterpreted the "important" for the tasks of life. Focus. Focus! FOCUS! My relationship with God is of the utmost importance. My spouse and children are of the utmost importance....

Let's pause. Invite God into our heart and mind. Focus. Intention. Fellowship, Friendship. The important stuff will get done. We just need to re-prioritize what "important" means.

Live in joy today (and always). 
Peace.

Sabbath Summer: The Fleeting Sun

The time is approaching. Our Fall schedules are once again filling and the rhythm of rush is pounding at our door. In many ways this summer has been a dream, a vacation from expectations and a mental re-set. A time to listen to God's convictions, seek deeper friendships and enjoy my kids without the pressure of work or mounds of pre-planned activities. Our family schedule was filled with slow, easy wake-ups, breakfast for dinner and extended bedtimes to enjoy just a little more outside play before the sun set. Certainly a breathe of fresh air.

Now, today, we get to make a choice. Will we open the door to the rhythm of rush or will we fight back the loud bangs on the door to strive towards this life of sabbath--- rest and peace.

It seems like an easy decision, right? But as the days tick closer to September the banging gets louder, activities increase and it seems everyone and every activity to teeming at your door. So, what do you do?

GO. TO. PRAYER.

In prayer, our family has been asking God these questions:

• What is YOUR desire for our family?
• What activities will bring us closer to YOU, God?
• What decisions about schedules will teach and display YOUR love through us?
• What boundaries do we need to create to protect our hearts and minds, reserving them first to GOD then family then everything else?
• What can we eliminate in our life that will allow us to be more present?

The reality is: our life is HIS. My life is not about pleasing myself or doing all the things "I WANT" to do (because they seem fun or easy or just because 'everyone' is participating). The things God calls us to can be hard, uncomfortable, unfamiliar. AND this summer I have learned that that is okay.

In the beginning of this Sabbath Summer I sought to change my thinking about life, my relationship with God and friends and find satisfaction and gratitude if what God has given me. Overall, I feel this mission was a success yet in other ways God still needs to change my heart.We are all in process, after all.

Through this journey I have learned much about myself (some icky and some great things). I'm looking forward to seeking God more, asking Him to establish my life. Moving forward I pray for motivation: daily prayer, daily scripture reading, continuing to love my husband, kids and friends best I can and be motivated to have better eating & exercise habits. I pray for HIS strength to hold back the loud bangs and unending pressure of pursuing activity over relationship--to be more present and enjoy the gifts of this Garden of Eden. But in order to enjoy the garden, we must resist the off-limit fruit. Whatever that off-limit fruit is--- RESIST IT! God has so much more, so much better for us.

So...here is to FALL INVITATION: Resist and Enjoy...accepting God's decisions for my life rather then setting my mind of the earthy, temporal things that only leave fleeting satisfaction. Join me?

Sabbath Summer: OH NO! My phone is full!

"PRAISE THE LORD! My phone's memory is full!"

When I started this Sabbath Summer journey in May, those certainly were not words you would have heard coming out of my mouth but almost three months later I find it to be a joy that my phone's memory is full. And here is why:

Prior to this journey many people would often comment on how much I would post on social media and my craze for always having to capture the moment on camera. It's true. My husband, who is not on social media, would also frequently comment that everyone knows so much about our lives that it left little room for actually "catching up." I mean, why would you need to catch up if your whole life is on display for everyone to witness and in the front row at that! Convicted by this and the growing evil in the world, the momma bear came out in me. First and foremost I want to protect my children. Next, I wanted to cultivate deep, authentic relationships which would happen face-to-face instead of screen-to-screen.

I started by first deleting the offending phone app (I am sure you can all guess what that is). From there, I stopped posting all together for a period of time and made a pact to myself to only log-on when at an actual computer. It worked! Next, I decided to put my phone down. Instead of being known as the one who instantly returns text messages, I found that I would have 7, 8 or even 9 or more unread messages at the nights end. I saw this as a victory.

With my children, I also began to think about them as young grade schoolers. Did they give me permission to post their lives so publicly for the world to see? Is it an invasion of THEIR privacy in which I have spoken for them by making a decision that it was okay to be so open with so many strangers about THEIR lives? With the increase in child-trafficking, I want to leave little room for someone to go after my three precious littles when so much information is already easily available (and some of it from me!!). How scary!

Not to mention the vast amount pictures and videos I have accumulated. I create family "year" books and even at that there are SO many pictures I max out the page numbers AND picture limit every year. I found that I often remember the picture of an event before I remember the actual event. I would like this to change. This has been a hard one for me and a habit/mind-set that I have had for almost two decades. Yet, with a full phone memory, it helps me stay present and embrace the ordinary making is permanent in my mind rather than a picture.

I recently read an article about a teacher who posed the journal prompt, "I don't like cell phones because...." The results were sad, convicting and eye opening. Her grade school students made comments like, "I wish phones were never invented." "My parents care more about their phones than me." "Phones are more important than I will ever be." WOW! Is this the generation that we are creating? Are these the feelings we are making our children have by being a phone-obsessed generation? I want to choose different for my children. Tonight I asked my daughter this, "Does mommy spend too much or not even time on her phone?" In the same feeling as the children above, she said, "too much mommy." Even with a valiant attempt, I am still on or near my phone too much. I am so glad my 4-year, in her honesty, told me how she felt. It is a reminder of the greater thing in life--relationship. One day my daughter (and my sons for that matter!) will be grown, having her own friends, hopefully in college, and  working. She may be married. She might even move out of the state...so WHAT AM I DOING!?! Wasting theses precious moments in time tied to a "meaningless" device that brings great separation between me and those I love the most. Please, do not mishear me. I think phones are fantastic! I love snapping pictures, calling, connecting through messaging/FaceTime and even the ability to do a quick web-search. Brilliant...but when phones take the place of (or overshadow) important relationships and being present then this inanimate object has GOT to take the backseat.

Obviously, I still have a ways to go in this area (as convicting as my daughter's response was!). Yet today, victory! My phone's memory is full. If you asked those you love the same question, what would their response be?

Growing a boy: Fitful Screams

Our sweet, sweet little miracle. He is a fighter, that is for sure! One of the reasons I know he is alive is this fiery spirit God has given him. Most days, I am thankful for this, remembering that the outcome could have been vastly different than the day to day we struggle through now but that does not negate the fact that is is hard and very emotional to have a "spirited" 15-month old.


He gets so worked up and angry when his bottle is finished, throwing it to the floor or across the room. Need a diaper change? Well, if you interrupt his play time you certainly will hear his loud cries from down the street. That toy he stole from his sibling and needs returning? It comes at the cost of a 10-15 minute tantrum in the middle of the living room. In a new place, traveling, and out of routine? Be prepared for fitful screams, kicking feet, constant holding and a bright red-faced boy whose lungs are working very well.

Is it worth it? Yes (I say with hesitance in my voice). It might not be convenient but I know that in the long term it is for the best.

I know that it is nothing I have cause. (As a mother, I first want to blame myself for the way he is....what could I have done differently to help him? Did I do something to cause this behavior?). I find myself emotional, crying at times, most likely out of pure exhaustion more than anything. The screaming gets tiring and the patience gets thin. As a result of his anger, I can be short with my other two children, my friends and even my darling husband. What example/attitude am I leaving for my other children? What do they see and hear? How are they now responding to each other due to my responses towards this anger?


I cannot change him. They are his emotions. He is a little human after all. I can take care of his basic needs with great love but I must surrender. Only God change change him. I must stop making excuses for him, "oh, well, he is just tired." "It is probably teething." "He is just a little off his schedule." It is some times easier to make these excuses than explain my emotions and what is really going on.

I can change my response.

Better yet, I can ask God to change my heart, change him, change the situation.

I must seek wisdom from the Lord, resting in Him, knowing that God wanted ME...yes...ME to be the mother of this little boy. God knew that I would either: 1) be able to "handle" this little boy or 2) this little boy would cause me to press deeper into him. (In my weakness, Christ is made strong). The Bible tells us to do everything with great love, not seeking my own advantage but that of many so that they would be saved through the life of Christ.

So, my new response: accepting the freedom in Christ, trust, hope. I must stop blaming myself for enabling his anger or somehow creating his anger. I must seek God for wisdom and a godly rest (which can only be truly found in Him). In Him, there is renewal.

Sabbath Summer: Missing the Mark

Almost 4 years ago I birthed my first child. Of course a lot of things changed once she was born but on some level I felt as though I could still carry on as usual (well, at least after healing from my 51-hour labor which ended in a c-section!). For the first few months she was content snuggled into her car carrier or in the baby carrier next to my skin as I taught online or volunteered at the church or in the community. My level of service and involvement pretty much stayed the same.

Just 8-months after her birth, my second child was conceived. With some big scares in the first trimester, I was told to "take it easy." Well, for me, easier said then done. The remaining two trimesters were great and our first son was born exactly on his due date and as exactly as planned (wow! when does that ever happen!?!). Our family of four took some time to adjust but when our son turned 5-months old we found our stride and were "back in the game" so to speak.

Well, SURPRISE, just a few months later we found out we were having baby #3. Our kids would be 16 and 16 months apart. When we found out this news we really had to put up some boundaries. Through prayer we asked God what ministries we should put on hold and which we should remain involved with. At first is was hard to allow God to shift our desires but He did. He made it abundantly clear. We had become less busy "doing" and were in the process of learning how to "be."

Seven and a half months after we found out we were pregnant, our son was born. Yup, almost 2 months early. If you have read my previous blogs, you will know what a difficult year this has been. Well, that brings us to current.

After sitting through church service on Sunday (by the way, we has a WONDERFUL guest pastor!), God showed me some "icky" things about myself. Of course, it came during our "Sabbath Summer," just another area God is working on my heart. Here it is:

I have been missing committed service to others since having children. Some where along the way, over the last four years, my thinking shifted from serving to desiring (almost expecting) to be served especially with the challenges of our sweet baby #3 this past year. Did I really think that people "owed" us because of our son's near death experience? Did I take to the victim mentality all too quickly, expecting people to carry my burden? When did I stop engaging with others--walking life with them instead of just focusing on the hardships of my own life? (Or maybe I am just being too hard on myself?)

I missed the mark. When my focus shifted, my view on community shifted. My view on friendship shifted. "My view" became my family (rightfully so in some cases) but at the neglect of serving, knowing and loving others. This is a painful reality to accept, causing me to think of the permanent damage I may have caused in some of these relationships due to selfishness and neglect. Shame on me! It was me who pushed so many away. It was me not being grateful. It was me expecting too much from those around me.

The question that seems to always come up with the "SS" lessons: where do I go from here?

God has been faithful in showing me opportunities to dive back in to people's lives,  re-engage in service and to begin living life together again. Coming out of a very difficult season, this has taken me so much focus and intentionality. Who do I make time for? How do I clear my schedule? How do I care for the needs of others and the needs of my family? How can I learn to shift from negativity to gratitude? These are areas I am trusting the Lord will continue to work. Will you accept my apology? Will you give me grace as I work on these things? I really do desire deep, authentic relationships. It all starts with transparency and the willingness to serve. In the words of the Bible,

"For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many." Matthew 20:28

So, shouldn't I try to do the same?

Summer Sabbath: Patience & Trust

Last week, June, my 14-month old son had a follow-up appointment with the gastrointestinal department. Up until a few months ago it has been a struggle to get him to eat certain foods due to reflux and to teach him to drink from a bottle/sippy cup (he was born prematurely, with little chance of survival at birth).  Due to an overwhelmed schedule we MISSED his scheduled early December appointment. I have NEVER missed any appointment or follow-up.

I received a letter in the mail notifying me of the missed appointment and I was devastated! I was so anxious to have this appointment as well as meet with a dietitian but we some how overlooked it on our busy schedule and could not get rescheduled until last week.

At the time of receiving the letter, I called the office and gladly accepted the June appointment...even more anxious because it was 4-months out and anxious because I was concerned about my son.

Fast forward to the appointment: As I prepared the diaper bag to head out to the medical office, I had a smile on my face. I KNEW that my son no longer needed this service from the gastrointestinal department at the children's hospital. This appointment, which happened to occur during Sabbath Summer, made me realize the lack of patience and trust in my own life towards God and His plans/ways.

Since birth I have been concerned about my son's eating and digestion. I kept detailed charts and logs of medications, formula in-takes, solid foods consumed. Throughout his 14-months of life, doctors told me that our son would eventually grow out of many of these digestive issues and his three medications. Was it that I didn't want to believe them? Was it that I wanted to rush the process? I wanted answers then and there. I wanted our son to be "fixed" NOW! I was (still am) an exhausted, sleep deprived mother of three, stretched thin by my marriage, kids, full-time work, church involvement, friends... (the list goes on). I confess, I wanted it...him...to be fixed so that I could "move on" to other things. (I confess my pride here too!).

Now our son is a growing, healthy boy who is eating anything and everything without any restrictions (except for the size of his finger foods). I know that perspective is always 20/20 but this experience made me realize my lack of trust in God's ability to take care of our son (and us!).

It was a very good revelation that God showed me...that God is good even when we can't see it. He is working things out in His timing and in His way. He requires us to patiently endure in long-suffering and steadfastness in Him...even when we don't know the outcome or the path is not yet made clear. This is the same "skill" required for developing deepened relationships--steadfastness and patiently enduring the good and hard in relationships.

This experience also revealed to me that we cannot force God's hand. Outside His will, we might be able to force a solution, an outcome or control the situation in some way yet the results are unsatisfying, challenging and often times end up creating more stress and anxiety. Some situations just require TIME and PATIENCE. No matter how badly I wanted my son to be "fixed" or how many appointments I forcefully scheduled nothing would change the fact that God required TIME for my son to outgrow the struggles he as enduring which required me to patiently accept where our son was. Instead of wanting him to be at the end of this, to enjoy the PROCESS of reaching the end...pressing deeper into God rejoicing in His favor and embracing the discipline of patience.

Moving forward in this Sabbath Summer, I wish to adopt this discipline of patience: with God, with my husband, with my kids, with my friendships, with communication, with purchasing, with everything. I will attempt to see God moving before I predetermine my will verses God's will and His way.  I will practice patience which will also help me practice trust.

Growing a boy: Hearing the Word "NICU"

My miracle baby is almost 10-months old yet at the sound of the word "NICU" I am taken back to some of the toughest moments of my life and begin to cry.

The word send me back...to the smells, the sounds, the stress, the dry hands from the hospital soap, the labor-intensive pumping sessions, the overnight stays at the hospital, the hospital food, the desire to hold my newborn or dress him or hear him cry, the shuffling of our older two kids to make arrangements to be in Seattle.

It reminds me of the stress being back in the Tacoma hospital and the frustrations of trying to nurse...of the painful recovery from a c-section, the sight of volunteer "rockers" rocking my crying preemie because I could not be there all of the time.

The word "NICU" reminds me of the dozens and dozens of people who served not only our son but us as well...their love, compassion, hugs and tissues.

I am reminded of the community that supported us so well by providing meals and practical acts of service.

I remember standing in our son's nursery at home, crying because my son was not home, in his crib, where I imagined him to be.

My mind wanders to the trip back to the hospital once he was initially released...back to the hospital after the victory of the initial discharge was celebrated...watching him stop breathing at home--turning slightly blue, the addition of medication, learning my breastmilk which contained milk could be part of the cause, the addition of rice cereal into his formula.

The word NICU reminds me of all the other struggling parents I encountered whose babies were sicker than mine...those sweet precious ones that passes away from being born too early or had too many medical complications. My heart and mind go there.

I cry thinking about the support from Seattle Children...not knowing how to grasp their level of support and love and care....using every resource possible to save our son.

Maybe I am experiencing post-traumatic stress from these occurrences. But a day does not go by that I don't think about some aspect of our son's journey.

We will celebrate his first birthday in just a few short months and I am beside myself. It is an incredible journey! It is a party of celebration and a thank-you party for all of those who have joined us in this battle! We seriously can never thank you enough.

Growing a boy: Emotions are still high

Daily, I recount the story of my son's birth. It is increbile to me how personal and how emotional it still is seven months later.

To see my son withing in pain; to see him not reaching the set "milestones" according to his adjusted age; to carry a heavy 20+ pound baby around the house (up and down the stairs multiple times a day); to pray moment by moment for wisdom; to keep records, charts, and details of everything he eats--when, how much, how often.

I am blessed by our sweet youngest but his situation often creates such heartache deep in my soul. Everything about it is emotional.

Just recently we had to switch from breastmilk/formula mix to just formula (since I ran out of dairy-protein-free breastmilk). We stopped mixing in rice cereal because we thought the formula would be thick enough. A sleepless night for all of us because of his SCREAMING, kicking and uncosulable emotions and three bottles later (over a 24-hour period...not a lot of food in-take) we ended up at the doctor's office.

Up to the appointment, Oliver was withing in pain...such terror and confusion in his tear filled eyes as he screamed endlessly for over 3 hours at a time before passing out from exhaustion...hands-tied as parents, not knowing what to do.

The doctor we met had such compassion...even sitting next to me hugging me as I cried my mother-emotional tears as I processed through my son's pain. We resolved that the solution was adding back in the rice cereal into the formula and increasing one of his reflux meds once again. And refraining from solids.

Since our appointment yesterday at 4:15pm, thankfully Oliver is doing much better.

I am so incredibly thankful that the Lord restores my soul. I am so thankful for those gifted and talented medical professionals who show compassion not only to our son but to us...using their knowledge to meet us in our desperate times and in our greatest needs. Parenthood is never easy but I am so thankful I have the Lord, those who join us in prayer and the technology/knowledge to make my son well.

I have nothing but praises and thanksgivings on this day.

Growing a boy: It is finished

It has come. The end of a season. It has been a laborious six months. Something consuming my life for up to three hours a day… Having to sneak away 8 to 12 times per day no matter where I was or what I was doing. It required me to plan ahead, pack and prepare for any given situation...batteries, ice packs, cover, extra bottles, sanitation wipes. This was my life.

It has been challenging to come to a resolution about exclusively pumping for my preemie son. It has been more emotional than I ever thought… Deciding when to stop providing nourishment  for my baby, my last born.  In the past month, I have slowly let my milk supply dry up. At first it was a complete relief to not be tied to my breast pump 24 hours a day while managing life… My three babies, household, and full-time work among other things.  As I would reduce the number of pumping sessions, I would wonder how in the world I pumped so many times throughout the day while keeping all of my kids happy and safe.  I am not going to lie, it was a tough routine to develop at first. But somehow we all managed and I was able to successfully pump breastmilk for my son.

In many ways I felt guilty for wanting to stop pumping. I actually started the process mid August and realized I had so much guilt over it that I just couldn't continue. I quickly picked up my former pumping schedule and decided to pump until he was six months old. Another difficult and emotional part of this decision includes the fact that my son cannot tolerate dairy protein.  Having stopped dairy in my own diet mid May, I have a plethora of breastmilk that he currently cannot consume because of his severe reaction to this protein. In some ways I feel like my pumping was all in vain.  I have a chest deep freezer full of breastmilk but I am praying one day he will be able to consume it. (Join me in prayer?). We have had to introduce formula in the last few weeks to supplement since I currently do not have enough dairy protein free  milk available for  him....at the cost of $40 per can.

 Our feeding routine has now become a scientific concoction… Mixing breastmilk with rice cereal and then mixing formula separate to ensure consistency. Then the final step is mixing the two together so that it is an equal and complete blend. I started making almost a days worth of milk at one time  which has greatly saves time and the stress of not getting that mixture just right.

In all of these emotional struggles, my desire is to find joy and to give thanks. I am grateful for our son. I am grateful for all of the medical professionals who have encouraged us these past six months, giving us wisdom, guidance, and a stack full of literature to read. I would not say our life is easy by any means, but whose life really is? We are all given struggles and emotional challenges in which will either draw us closer to the Lord or drastically push us away from him. I choose to draw closer to him, embracing all of this that the season holds. I am grateful for the gift of life

I know one day I will look back on these times fondly. Thankful that we were able to provide for our son and our family in so many ways that others cannot. I am blessed to hold my son because of his reflux screaming fits. I am blessed to have stairs to run up to so that I can hold him in his room.  I am blessed! No matter how long the days are or how little sleep I get each night, I. Am. Blessed.

Growing a Family: YET GOD

It is official, I no longer have three kids under the age of three. Although I would have hoped that things would change instantly, my hopes were unfilled.

It has been a journey to say the least having 3 children. Our young sure threw us for a loop in more ways than one but now he is a health 16.5 pound 4-month old who is sleeping roughly 4-5 hour stretches at night. His older siblings have adjusted well. The oldest asserting her independence and our second child learning how to use words and communicate;  and we are all finding what I like to call our new normal.

In the early days of our adjustment, I felt desperately that I would never be able to watch all three kids at the same time alone. How things have changed.

God has been teaching us more and more about trusting Him, letting the sometimes urgent but unimportant things pass us by, and the joy and significance of a messy house.  After almost losing our youngest at least 2 or three times, I have come to embrace, smell and be more than present in every. single. moment.

On the completion of some days... okay, lets be honest...most days...I feel like a total failure. I have NO IDEA what I am doing. In every new season of life, it is the first for me...the first time having a 3 year old; the first time having three kids; the first time potty training; the first time having to exclusively pump breastmilk for my son; first time loving and disciplining each child in the new stage they are in. The list goes on. Yet even when I feel like a failure, reflecting back on all the thing I could have done better or differently, God speaks to me:

 "I. Will. Teach. You." 

So powerful!! Reading books, articles, talking with others in the same season and those who have gone before are all helpful activities and do offer valuable insights, yet God. Yet God, Yet God wants to teach me. He is THE source to teach me.  So what does this mean?

It means I need to stop working in my own power. It means I need to pray more. Read more scripture. Teach my children more scripture. Seek God on disciplinary decisions. Yet God. Two powerful words that are changing my parenting style.

It means staying in the NOW...not looking ahead for tomorrow (for it is not guaranteed). It means not worrying about "messing up" my kids...because if I am in His presence, trusting HIM in each moment, He will teach me!

So at the end of the day, when I sit and reflect on the happenings of the day, I no longer recount my moments of failure. Instead, I pray for each child, replaying the special moments I had with each one of them (being intentional throughout the day to have one-on-one time with each of them). It means enjoying this season of life even though it is hard. It means being brave to take all three kids out by myself on visits or to the store or the library. It means staying focused on the call of Motherhood God has given me, forsaking many other "good" ministry activities so that I can embrace my small little humans. It means that I stop folding clothes or doing the dishes when my daughter asks me to play dolls with her. It means that I stop preparing dinner to play trucks with my son. It means sitting on the kitchen floor, as dirty as it maybe, and having a snack, a cuddle or a sing-song session. It means holding my youngest tightly as I sit on the couch and smell him, noticing his thick hair, the wrinkles on his forehead instead of examining the living room for the next thing that has to be done. It means making my marriage a priority in the midst of caring for these three humans. It means seeking God for the time and motivation for self-care: working out, studying the Bible, having visits with friends.

There is no way around it, it is a busy and sometimes tough season, YET GOD! He is so good to me in all that He provides. I have decided...I have chosen to be so very thankful for this difficult season, embracing my marriage and kids in the present moment. It is a difficult exercise but at the end of each day, I have little to no regrets. Praise the Lord.

YET. GOD!  "I WILL teach you..." It is a promise He gives. Lets embrace it!

Growing a boy: Bed Rest Day 4 (Bad News Day)

Friday, March 31: Bed Rest Day 4... 33 weeks pregnant!

In the dark of my hospital room, I sit here in silence reflecting on all of the news we have heard today. Having thought yesterday was emotional and chaotic, today was NOTHING in comparison...it was much worse.

I slept fitfully during the night. The longest stretch of sleep was probably two hours. On top of everything else we are processing, we are both fighting a cold! This makes it difficult to breath or stay asleep for long periods of time. Often I wake-up gasping for air because of either contractions or this icky cold. I was put on a liquid only diet until morning... just in case a c-section was needed. I was starving. The last time I ate was a few bites of a sandwich around 1pm yesterday before I was told to stop eating again. My mind was racing from the chaos of the day before.

As dawn approached, I sat in my bed wondering what today would hold. Knowing we would have a follow-up ultrasound today, at 6am Tyler asked me if we had one scheduled. I called the nurse and to our surprise, they got us in first thing at 7am! A miracle. We had to wait for the results (and I had to wait to eat!) until we received the ultrasound report around 9am. The news was not favorable. The results displayed possible fluid in baby boy's tummy. Also, my AFI went from 57 to about 41...this is good but in 24-hours where did this fluid go? In 24-hours, why did baby start to display fluid in his stomach when nothing appeared in the ultrasound yesterday? The ultrasound sent up many red flags.

Because of these initial results, we ran around today get more testing done. I had yet another blood draw to test for possible infections (my poor veins!); we were taken across the street to get an ultrasound done on baby's heart to rule out congestive heart failure among other things; and our third ultrasound of the day looked at his brain to see if he is anemic. Seeing the trajectory going towards having baby early, we stopped at the NICU for a quick tour to process the fact that our sweet boy would end up being cared for in that unit for several weeks.

It seemed at each point throughout the day more and more questions arose. In the heart ultrasound taken later in the day, it appeared baby may have fluid also in his lungs in addition to more fluid than previously seen on the ultrasound this morning. Once we were back in our room the specialist came in to talk with us about all of the days results. Around 4:30pm we finally learned what all of this information really meant. The tests all came back negative for probable reasons why this was happening until we learned about hydrops. Defined as:

Hydrops fetalis (fetal hydrops) is a serious fetal condition defined as abnormal accumulation of fluid in 2 or more fetal compartments, including ascites, pleural effusion, pericardial effusion, and skin edema. In some patients, it may also be associated with polyhydramnios and placental edema. http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/974571-overview

From the above description, this is obviously a very serious condition. He is not currently diagnosed with hydrops but all of the indicators are point that way. We really won't know until he is born what is exactly wrong with him but we were told he has a 50/50 chance of survival.

HE HAS A 50/50 CHANCE OF SURVIVAL...

He will end up in the NICU for several weeks, if he survives. He may need chest tubes and a stomach drain. If his lungs are not doing well, he maybe intubated. He may need surgery if they find blockages in his esophagus and/or intestines (or other areas of concern). So many more unknowns

But here is the silver lining:

• He appears to be a big baby for his age (6-7 pounds at just 33 weeks)...sizing might be wrong due to the amount of fluid in my belly.
• I received steroid shots earlier in the week to help his lungs develop
• We are in a controlled hospital environment in case anything should happen...they can quickly get baby out.
• And most importantly, we have GOD ON OUR SIDE!!! This increases our "odds" because if God wants this baby to survive then he will despite the medical odds! This brings us great comfort. 

It has been an extremely hard day to process the news we received and I don't think we have fully grasped it. However, we know we are covered in prayer and that God is WAY bigger than anything we face.

SO here is the plan:

• Try to keep baby in until I am 34 weeks...gives him a better chance of breathing on his own and physically be able to handle what this world will give him.
• We will have another ultrasound on Sunday to determine if/how these fluid levels have changed...in my belly and in his belly/lungs.
• If at any point my water breaks, I dilate past 3cm or if baby is in distress, it calls for an immediate c-section. There are teams on standby.
• If we make it until Thursday, we will have another ultrasound in preparation for our Friday morning c-section.

How are we doing:

• Tyler:
• Physically: he is sick, fighting off this cold, coughing a lot, exhausted...its hard to sleep on the little pull out bed in the hospital room.
• Emotionally: he is slowly processing through the events of the past few days. With is medical knowledge I think he worries about it more than me simply because he knows more. He is doing a wonderful job at supporting me. I have encouraged him to leave the hospital twice to help with becoming too stir crazy. 
• Overall, he is fighting the good fight.
• Brandi:
• Physically: contractions suck. Often times I cannot always feel them because my belly is so full of fluid. It is hard to move around because of all the extra fluid weight I am carrying. I try to get up to "walk" every hour or so (and by walk I mean either a few circles in our room or if I am really brave I walk to down the hall two rooms and come back). I am still exhausted. Between contractions, the excess fluid, and baby moving it is very difficult to get comfortable. I literally have about 8 or 9 pillows on my hospital bed. It is frustrating to feel so sleep deprived while dealing with all this news. I also have to be monitored for at least 30 min. every 4-hours...contractions and baby's heartbeat. This is not my favorite or most comfortable part of the day but highly necessary.
• Emotionally: I felt like I took today surprisingly well despite the 50/50 outcome. I am processing what it might be like WHEN he survives but also preparing myself for the possible scenario if he doesn't. I feel well loved and supported. I do miss our other two littles but I am thankful they will visit us tomorrow, Saturday.

So, what can you do?

• Many friends have been asking, "what can we do?"
• Pray! Get all your friends to pray! We believe in the power of Jesus to heal our little boy! He is knitting baby in my womb just the way He wants and we need to trust that God never makes mistakes...no matter the outcome.
• Text messages: Although we might not reply to each one individually (or at all) it is WONDERFUL to know that you are indeed praying for us.
• Short visits without kids. At this time we are limiting visitors to about 1 or 2 per day. It can add stress if kiddos come along as well as possibly more sick germs so we ask that you don't bring them into the hospital room. If you would like to visit, please let us know! We love getting "breaks" from this hospital life. Know that if you do visit, we might ask you to leave if Brandi has to get monitored, checked or if one of our doctors comes in.
• Meals/Snacks: at this time we do not "need" food HOWEVER...at day 3 hospital food is already getting bland and boring for me and Tyler usually has to run to the cafeteria for food and snacks. We have a small refrigerator in our room with access to a microwave down the hall. :)
• Ideas to pass the time: we brought one board game and have already watched what feels like a million hours of TV (if you know us we hardly watch TV) so feel free to bring any ideas/activities to help us pass the time.

Okay...that that was a long blog but I think the most telling of where we are with the current situation. I will try my best to keep everyone updated with daily blogs...really just depends on what is happening. We can't thank you enough for joining in this journey with us.

Stay tuned...more to come (hopefully)....

Pt. 2: When It Rains It Pours: The hardest season of life

The kids are down for the night. Husband is working late (until at least 1am). And I am drinking some peppermint tea in hopes of soothing my very sore and swollen throat. As I snuck in a shower, I began to reflect on my previous blog and all that this hard season is and has been teaching me...to be honest, something I have not done until just a few moments ago.

It is easy to complain about where God has us or just plain forget that God always has a plan. So, I am choosing to have a different attitude (...thanks for letting me vent in my past posting).

Trials, hard seasons, whatever you want to call them...they test us. I have found that four areas of my life have been testing quiet a lot in these past months:

1. My Faith
2. My Marriage
3. My Family
4. My Friends

1. My Faith: I wish I could say that I have been on my knees everyday petitioning to God about all the happenings in my life. I haven't. Who has time? (I cringe as I type that last question). I was so caught up in just surviving, especially this past month, that I have spent little to no time diving in the WORD myself. Conviction! I know that God is always with me and He guides my path everyday...I have seen glimpses of Him controlling my tongue or my attitude towards my kids or husband or making a way for me to get my grading done or prepare for my son's first birthday but it is sad that this, my faith, has not been my top priority. My faith in Jesus grounds me. Gives me peace. Gives me hope. Helps me put life into proper perspective. To serve others and look beyond what I consider "horrible" circumstances. I certainly have been failing this part of the "test" but I am thankful that His mercies renew everyday and that I love Jesus and He loves me without a checklist of dos and don'ts. Seriously, thank you Jesus!

2. My Marriage: Like ships passing in the night (or at the front door), I can certainly say that this is not the strongest point our marriage has ever seen. So many changes have happened (and will happen) in these months that it literally has felt like a bunch of mini-business interactions, logistics of getting life sorted out and taken care of. Date night has been nonexistent, minus last Monday when we went to the Banff Film Festival. We both have been sick, taking turns of course, and as a result, the other has willingly taken up the slack of the grocery shopping, laundry, child care, etc. Text messages have taken the place of most face-to-face conversations due to necessity of our schedules. When will life slow down? I am thankful for all of the pictures we have posted around our house of our great adventures, some local some aboard. They remind me of who we were as a couple, who I want us to be and all of the great qualities I love about the man I married nearly 7 years ago. We are certainly in it for the long haul. I am SO thankful to have him by myself and fighting for us just as hard as I am!  This is not a test I will fail! :)

3. My Family: First, my children. What a blessing and joy they truly are. They both have such unique and amazing personalities that come out more and more everyday. It is a privilege to shepherd them and get a front row seat to view of every stage of development. Although I feel as though I have ages YEARS since having them due to sleepless nights and the worries that most parents have, I would not trade this journey in for anything. Being a mother to them, especially in this hard season, has taught me more about love, patience, respect and noticing the details. (Trust me, the love and patience things is a HUGE test with a 2-year old and an 11-month old who wants to chew on everything and destroy everything). It has offered me the new perspective of seeing these changes from their world's view instead of mine. It has allowed me to include them in the craziness of life as we deal with life and death, rearrange our house to accommodate a new baby brother or sister and to teach about giving as we sort through to get rid of toys/clothes/etc. It is a learning opportunity in which I can teach them both how to handle life's hard circumstances with grace. It is an opportunity to teach them about praying for those arounds them who might also be struggling with change and transition. Secondly, this hard season has tested the relationships we have with our immediate families. I am thankful for our immediate families who have so willingly taken the kids or sent text messages just to see how we are. It is a true testament to all those popular and well known says that we can lean on family in hard times. This is so true.

4. My Friends: In prior seasons, I have spent so much more time investing into friendships than I have in the past three months. I would arrange coffee or play dates, social gatherings or group events. I have been slacking in this area. Although my heart is craving this authentic one-on-one or group time with my closest friends, I just have not have the room in my mind to plan or take care of one more event. (But please, if you want to get together, please let me know!!!). A few friends in this particular season have really stepped up when our family needed it the most. (Literally) offering a shoulder to cry on, a good meal, or care for both of our kids so we could take care of the responsibilities that come with being an adult. Some friendships have been but aside with little to no interaction while others have seemingly survived with the occasional text message here or there. Despite the different seasons we (as humans) go through, often times our friendships go through seasons too. I must say that I have been so INCREDIBLY grateful for those who have personally invested their lives with our durning this hard season...who get it without having to ask questions or without needing an explanation for the reason I just might not seem "happy" on a particular day. It reminds me of Proverbs 18:24 "...but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." So for those of you who have done this for us, we are so, so grateful for your love and partnership as we share in this journey of life.

So there you have it...for now. I know there are many, MANY other areas of my life being tested (such as full-time-work vs. full-time-life balance and becoming a mother of three under three among other topics listed above), but for now, I rejoice! COME ON! It is Christmas time! A time when we get to focus of the miraculous gift of Baby Jesus...the amazing life Jesus lived and what He taught us through that life that carries on today. So, if you are facing a hard season: pray, focus on your marriage and those relationships that matter most. Learn to count your blessings and surround yourself with those who will willingly walk though life without...with no judgement or hesitation but but pure love, honesty and grace.

Peace be upon you, my friends.