Getting healthy: Stop Comparing

I did it!! I stepped onto the scale. To be honest, I was a little nervous at first, not knowing what to expect but I figured that I need a baseline, right?! (And we allllll know that the scales at the doctor's office always add least 7-10 pounds, right? So my weight from last week's visit didn't "really" count).

I am not as far off as I thought I was but the hard facts, the number...well, they never lie.

Three days strong now...on my path to becoming healthy. I had many food successes yesterday and had a lot of inner-battles surrounding the snack drawer but overall, I am very pleased. I also had only two cups of coffee, one of which was DECAF! Yes, you read that right...can you believe it? Movement successes abounded yesterday & today too...I chased my kids, danced more when I played music. jogged on the treadmill this morning and found my fitbit (which is still not charged...on my list to do today). Spiritually: still trying to figure this one out. Maybe I should start by finding 10-15 minutes per day to just pray, maybe read? This goal seems doable.


HONEST CONFESSION:

I want to preface that this blog is (hopefully) not (seen as) a platform of my complaints, but rather encouragement for you and me for the sake of growth & for my personal accountablity (which, by the way is working!).

The start of this journey (months back) was rough. I saw other moms with two, three kids or more, looking fabulous. I was jealous. I did not have the time (what I am finding now it was really lack of motivation), to get my "smokin'-hot-momma body" back--(which by the way, at no point in my life have I actually, truthfully saw myself this way). I was comparing.

This journey is not about comparison.

It is rejoicing in the successes of others (and for myself, rejoicing in the small victories like drinking water with every meal yesterday) and realizing that we ALL have some type or insecurity/struggle--be it our physical health, our marriages, finances, balancing our work, traumatic birth experiences, loss of loved ones, complicated child/adulthoods or the pesky hair that grows on our chins (did I really just type that!?!). There is always something we want to strive towards changing yet we often forget to CELEBRATE the good stuff that is happening. So let us stop comparing. Lets start celebrating! (OH---sounds like a great party theme!).

Months back, I found find myself thinking that I was not good enough, strong enough or that somehow others have it figured out way better than I did (motherhood, working out, meal prep, ect.). But these thoughts are all false. I caution you: do not fall into this spirit of comparison...it will only hurt you deeply and take your eyes off all of the glorious things you are, you have and you do.

When I take a step back from my, "I am so alone, no one likes me and understands what I have gone through" mindset, I realize that who ever is reading this right now is dealing with something---maybe to the same degree, maybe more, maybe less, maybe something entirely different...regardless, we are all doing the best that we can do.

It is NOT about comparison. It is about encouragement!

A few weeks ago a friend suggested that we join a gym together. The first thought was, "Oh, no, she will now really see just how out of shape I am." This mindset has been with me since junior high or maybe even before: never show weakness, push through, fake it until you make it. I am glad I realized this about myself. It is okay to be weak (I said it!) in some areas...this is an opportunity to grow, improve and ENJOY the process. And enjoying it I have (at least on day three). :)

I hope this blog empowers you to enjoy where you are and moves you towards where you want to be. Until the next post!

Getting Healthy: Just getting started

I just closed a two-year chapter/blog series titled "Growing a boy" on the challenges of dealing with a son born prematurely who was close to dead at birth. As I have finally closed that emotional chapter, finding healing in more ways than one. Now, I am ready to move on. I am starting a new chapter...a new chapter with passion, a little motivation and just a little more determination to come against my excuses. I want to be physically healthy again.

Here are the challenges:

• A husband with an irregular work schedule making it difficult to find time away from the kids to exercise. 
• I work full-time (yes it is online but it still requires a lot of my time/attention amidst kids activities and husbands schedule). Like working out, I feel like I have to squeeze my job into our already crazy/tight schedule. 
• Three children ages 4, 3, 2 who are relentless and need constant supervision. Working out with them is next to impossible without tripping over them and hurting myself (or them).
• Sleep deprivation: Even though my kids are a little "older" I am exhausted at the end of the day (to the point of being an almost angry mother at bedtime --Dear Lord, PLEASE HELP ME!). At least one of the three kids awakes during the night; the husband comes home between 1-3a (usually waking me up) and then our brood is up at 6am. I have been trying to get to bed by 9:30pm on most nights...it seems to be helping. Naps were an option but now 2 out of the three are on a nap protest (& quiet time turns into a fight...why do I EVEN TRY to have some alone time in the afternoon...okay, sometimes I just let them fuss in their room & tell them that momma needs a time out).
• Food: Let's be honest, I eat what my kids eat and snack on what they snack on. Husband is not home most nights so I end up snacking for dinner after the kids are asleep. True confession: the other night I have popcorn and ice cream for dinner. Winner winner! ;)
• Another food challenge: I don't like to cook (& don't really know how to get out of my norm and/or make food everyone in my family will eat or enjoy. I really don't want to waste my efforts...but maybe I should?).

Excuses (see above and below!):

• For the first year of our youngest son's life, I was overwhelmed, burdened and stressed (to say the least) due to his eventful (for the lack of a better word) entrance into this world. Two years ago April, I was in survival mode.
• After this first year, I told myself it was time to reclaim my health...in August 2018 actually. In doing so, I took a smoke-stack tower fall, straight over onto my left hip on our tiled kitchen floor while "trying to fit" exercise in while my youngest was contained in the highchair. After a round of physical therapy in December-February, I finally felt relief in my lower back. 
• But then, the excuse of "we just moved" crept in in November and I have stayed there until recent.

Motivations:

• I want to get healthy so that I can hike with my husband, run & play sports with my kids and enjoy the calm kayaking waters without pulling a muscle.
• I am TIRED of carrying this two-year postpartum baby weight (and wearing maternity shorts, baggy shirts and stretch pants because 1) I have them and 2) because nothing else really fits well (or comfortably).
• Exercise and wellness are legacies I want to leave for my children. I want them to see their mother working out and eating well...not for the sake of appearance but for the sake of taking care of the temple (my body) given to me by the Lord. It is my responsibility to take care of my body.
• AND....My doctor said so. Okay...I may have probed her just a little at my recent annual check-up (which has actually been TWO years) to hear her say that I need to lose weight but I guess it helped since I am writing this new blog series. Very kindly my doctor say that I am overweight....but closer to normal-overweight than obese-overweight (phew!). But the real kicker---she told me is is much harder to lose weight the older you get. Wow! I just turned 37 (seems old to me!) so I may as well shed some weight and enter into the "normal-normal" range. 

What's going for me:

• YOU! My reading audience in whom I'm hoping will encourage me in this process with easy favorite, healthy family recipes, encouragement to workout, etc.
•  Spring/Summer: In the recent sunny days, I have enjoyed pushing our youngest in the stroller while the "big kids" rode their bikes. Bonus: everyone enjoyed it especially with a destination like a play park at the end.
• My husband works night. (Yes, this is both a challenge and a "what's going for me"). I have the time after the kids go to bed to workout...now...I just need to get over my almost-anger-super-exhausted-mom persona and (as Nike says) JUST DO IT!
• I have Amazon and the internet.  I lost my 21-Day-Fix Workout videos in the move (anyone have them I could borrow?!?!) but I did find a pretty good workout program on Amazon. With the help of the internet, I have access to PLENTY of healthy food programs. I am thinking about trying the 21-Day-Fix eating plan again. I did this after my first child and lost a decent amount of weight and felt great. It was very adaptable to my food allergies too.

Plan of attack:

• I don't have one...okay, I have one kinda in my head and here it is:
• Blogging my journey for accountability (wanna join me?).
• Food prep...should I start tonight (but it is the season finale of Grey's Anatomy!).
• Exercise: Make it a goal to be active every day with two or three intention workouts per week. This I can do...I can push my kids to be a little more active: kicking a ball with them, running around the "track" in our house and going on walks.
• Simple, right? Well let's see where this one goes..... to be continued.

Learning to See: Is seeing really a luxury?

"Why am I so nervous," I asked myself as I drove to the VT doctor. What I was going to experience was just a normal eye exam… But the results would have many more implications than just an annual visit to my regular eye doctor.

As I anxiously drove to my appointment, almost absentmindedly, I was surprised to see my van (driven by my husband) directly in front of me! I was coming from a grading session at Starbucks (the joys of long hours of grading that finals week gifts me with) and my husband was coming from home with our boys. Our youngest was getting his eye examined first before my appointment.

Meeting up in the parking lot was a blessing...getting to see the smiles on all three of my boys' faces (my husbands included) brought me much comfort and relief. We all made our way into the building, to the elevator and up to the second floor. I was grateful our oldest was still in "pretty" school so that we did not have to manage all three kids.

We were greeted by the same wonderful receptionist I met a few weeks ago. His warmth made us feel at ease as we settled into the waiting room right next to the train table. All four of us sitting on the floor, enjoying the crashes and bangs of the trains competing for space on the little wooden train tracks.  Before long we hauled all of things (and two kids) into the exam room.

I was asked to sit in the dreaded exam chair, holding our youngest for the brief eye exam. Within minutes my husband and I were told that our youngest would most likely need glasses and same with our oldest son. No surprise given my eye history and dominate genes. Soon after this exam, our oldest certainly needed food as it was nearing 11:30 (his lunchtime). My husband left with the boys to get food as well as to pick up our daughter from school.

After they left Then... the real "fun" began.

For many people, getting an eye exam is easy...something not thought about or dreaded over for weeks prior to an appointment. For me, it is torture. It requires concentration. It requires vulnerability. It requires confession that I cannot do or see the things the doctor is asking me to do or see. It requires so much focus that I can leave with tension headaches and tight shoulder muscles from strenuously focusing on the "smallest line you can see" or trying to get my eyes to see double vision (which I can with much concentration and focus and thought).


 So, it began. My current eye glass prescription was measured before beginning the exam, then the real test came. Throughout the exam, I often felt like I was failing.

"Do you see one or two lights?"

"I don't know," I said confused because my eyes (separately) were fighting among themselves for dominance while my mind was trying to convince them to simply do the job they were made to do. 

Early in the exam, tears started streaming. Seriously, who can't tell if there are one or two lights? Sometimes I see two. Sometimes I see one. Sometimes I see two but for a 1/2 second which causes even more confusion. In that moment, my eyes were constantly shifting and fighting against each other. How stressful.

We moved on from that portion of the exam to the torture brought on by the phoropter. My prescription was dialed in and the exam commenced. It started as you would expect a normal exam to begin. "What is the smallest line you can make out." "Can you please read me the letters." "Which one is the most clear, one or two (the turning of various lens strengths through the phoropter)."

I took several deep breaths knowing that "I can do this part." BUT... soon the exam was directed towards seeing things I struggle to see.... "Can you make your eyes see two?" "Are the images on top of each other or side by side?" "Can you make them horizontally align?" "Can you make them align if I do this (switching around the settings on the machine)." I was beginning to get frustrated. The seemingly easy tasks took so much focus that I felt my eye becoming exhausted as if I just had a personal training session at the gym...the first one in 10 years! Imagine that...just from a "simple" eye exam.

As I got through the far away "stuff," the doctor pulled down the chart that dangles just a foot or two (I'm not exactly sure how far away it is) in front of the phoropter. This is the work that is the most difficult. The thick chart had a triangle cut out in the middle. The triangle housed another chart with rows of small letters. At the base (or the tip) of the triangle, a few inches away, was a white plastic screw made for a flathead screwdriver. This screw was much easier for me to focus on than the letters so this is were my eyes first drifted, as my eyes resisted the letters (until I was called upon to focus on them....not by choice). :)

The same exercise as before was requested..."Can you make your eyes see two?" "Are the images on top of each other or side by side?" "Can you make them horizontally align?" "Can you make them align if I do this (switching around the settings on the machine)." This was the most difficult part of the exam for me. Not only were my eyes tired from the other portions of the exam, seeing the chart up close has always caused a lot of visual stress. It seemed like "ages" until this part was done and I was relieved when the doctor pulled the big eye seeing machine away from my face and said we were all done.

He turned from me, typing heavily on his keyboard near the dreaded exam chair. I tried to peak over to see what he was typing but it was all gibberish to me. A short minute later, he swiveled his chair towards me, clasped his hands together, I'm sure trying to formulate the words he was about to give me. I tried hard to focus on every word he was saying. I cannot remember the exact order of the things he said, but here is what I do remember him saying:

"I have been doing this for 50 years. Out of those 50 years, your eyes are the most screwed up I have seen."

"It is not your eyes that are screwed up. It is your brain."

"You have to be prepared that if you go about this, this will be a journey with a CAPITAL J. It is not something to be taken lightly."

"I could see you doing this [VT] for 12-months, easy, maybe even more. Two sessions a week for the first 2-3 months followed by weekly sessions after that."

"There is a possibility of another surgery to correct your vision." 

"We will have to get you seeing double vision on a regular basis first, before we can start working on anything else."

"Your case will be like opening Pandora's box. We just have no idea how you will respond to vision therapy."

"If you would have come 3-4 years earlier I could not have helped you but technology has made it possible!"

The real kicker, after hearing (and trying to process all of this) was the cost:

"It will be about $14,800 for your therapy. Insurance 'may' cover some of it. We always bill insurance. And if for some reason we decided that the therapy is just not working for you, we can refund a portion of that money."

Okay...wow. Talk about having your life flipped upside down within a matter of minutes. I believe that he was speaking in the kindest heart possible and the news was delivered in a friendly and personable manner. I never felt like I was being made fun of. I left the office with mixed emotions...on one side eager to get started and on the other baffled at the seemingly horror that my eyes really are "that bad".... the worst he has ever seen in 50 years. I should have left the office wearing some kind of badge of honor, right..."the worst eye ever over here?" Instead I left the office feeling conflicted and frustrated at the diagnosis. He did prescribe a new power for my glass, which I took directly my my regular eye doctor. I am hoping this will allow me to see better than my current prescription which is still slightly blurry out of my right eye.

I felt overwhelmed (I still do). I don't know what to think about all of this.

Today I received a call from the financial/billing office to discuss scheduling my first VT appointment. Reflecting on the "cost" (or rather sacrifice) that VT would entail, my husband and I are just not exactly sure if the time is right. To be honest, we are both a little hesitant about this. It would not only take a weekly (or twice a week) commitment, it would require time at home to do these exercises. And this does not account for the physical "side-effects" VT may cause as my eyes begin to change.

So, during my chat today with the billing office, apparently the $14,800 cost needs to be paid upfront...UPFRONT. Are you FLIPPIN' KIDDING ME? Yes, let me just reach into my money bag and write you a check. A "perk" of paying with a check...or get this...CASH...upfront is a "5%" discount. HA! Funny. I was given the option of putting the full amount on my CREDIT CARD...okay, I don't know about you but I am not about to MAX OUT my credit card and leave no option in case an emergency happens in my family. That option is out. The third option is like a medical credit card which has no interest for 12-24months (depending on what you are approved for) and monthly payments...roughly $1300/month.

We just do not have that much "wiggle room" in our budget to afford such an expense. Ha. Ha. Ha. It is kinda a joke, right? $14,800 up front and insurance "may" cover some of it. I guess I need to make a call to them?

So here I wrestle.

My vision is what it is. It is what God allowed me to have from infancy. Up to this point in my life, I have done fine. I can do most things I want to do. I am not putting anyone in danger, really, by seeing the way I see. I know my strengths and my weaknesses. I have learned to adapt. Cosmetically, I know it can be hard to look me in the eyes (especially when I am tired) because of my wandering eye.

The other part of me is curious, like a scientist on the verge of conducting a monumental experiment...wondering, if I don't try then I will never know.

Regardless of my curiosity, I think the actual dollar cost has won out and has made the decision for us. If I am not in danger, if I am not endangering anyone else, then this is simply a luxury. A luxury that we cannot afford. So my journey, it seems, has ended almost as abruptly as it began. I am still the same me, yet with a deeper understanding about a part of me that has remained hidden from the public for many years.

So, thank you for joining me in this journey of exploration. Maybe one day, I can continue this portion of my blog, "Learning to See." Until then, I will "SEE" you around...not sure whether it will be with the left eye or the right one, but I will see you.

~B~

Maybe I Stopped Caring

...or maybe I am just too overwhelmed to notice.

Nothing in this year has gone as we had planned. We found out we were pregnant, lost a loved one, our basement flooded (TWICE!), discovered medical complications with my pregnancy which lead to a very stressful delivery followed by 28 days in the NICU. We are facing some other difficult, emotional circumstances on top of this as well. Life is not easy.

I find myself numb some days, going through the motions while trying to manage three very reliant children (of course all needing everything from me at the same time). Moments of rest are few and far between. When I do get rest, I worry that my youngest, only 5 weeks old, will stop breathing...which he does on occasion.  We are on high alert all of the time. This, of course, does not help with my "healing" c-section site.

We feel exhausted and isolated, trying to do what we can to reach out but understanding that everyone has their own woes to deal with. It is tough.

I am thankful these three children have made me a mother. They challenge my patience and reliance on God more than any other person has. When I grow weary, I know that God gives the extra strength. When I go through the motions (or fall asleep while bottle feeding our son), God is there to protect, guide, lead, be my beacon of strength.

I find that the simplest daily activities can cause me to be overwhelmed...the dish, laundry, bathing our children. Still facing physically limitation, this does not help. Our sweet youngest refuses to nurse. This causes me to spend at least 2-4 hours a day sitting at my breast pump, doing an enormous amount of "pump" dishes on top of the time is actually takes to bottle feed him (at least 30 min - 1 hour per feeding). Add in diaper changes on top of the needs to two others at 2 1/2 and 16 months, it can get pretty rough.

So all this to say...I continue to try to adopt the saying "it is what it is." My life circumstances may not change any time soon so I need to change my outlook on my circumstances. I may not get a solid night sleep any time soon but I need to take advantage of those sweet moments of rest (what I am doing writing this right now?!?). My son may never breastfed. My other two kids will fight with each other. The dishes will pile up as will the laundry... Embrace it. This is life. This is reality...three precious darlings that I love so much and a husband who is fighting the fight with me.

Even though it might feel like I have stopped caring, the real truth is: I care too much.

When did our children grow up?

I was on a walk today (trying to walk off my baby weight...pushing one child and carrying the other). On my normal route to Starbucks, I pass a school. School had been out for a while but I saw two mothers talking in between their vans with their children running around. I had to pause.

On the rest of the walk home, I spent in reflection...when did my children grow up?

I looked down at the sweet face of my 5-week old infant who was strapped to my chest, sleeping with his face so relaxed resting on my chest...how has a month already gone by? When did he stop wanting to fall asleep on my chest while laying on the couch? Start rolling over? Staying awake longer in the day? Sleeping more at night....oh wait! I remember the day that happened!! :)

Although it has only been a month, he keeps growing...changing...eventaully become less dependant on me (which is a good thing, something I desire, a natural part of the process). It reminded me to cherish every single moment...before I know it, he will be like those boys running around my vehicle as I chat with a fellow mommy-warrior. A part of my heart became sad. Another part was so joyful as I prayed to God for the future of my son.

Then I looked down. Before my eyes over the last year and a half, my sweet daughter has grown into a little girl. Playing more independently, counting to 6, having an opinion about what she wears (especially her shoes!). :) There was once a time when all she wanted to do was snuggle in my lap and read books; a time when she needed more help getting dressed, eating, sitting in a chair...all of the million little things she can now do on her own. Now I am blessed if she can sit still through "Goodnight Moon" or snuggle as she rubs the sleep out of her eyes after a nap. It is amazing to see all that she is learning and how daily she is absorbing the world around her making it her own. I am proud of the little person she is become but mourn some of the cherished times we had together when she was younger.

Being a new "mother of two" has certainly been a challenge. My husband went back to work yesterday after a month off and managing bedtime with a overly tired toddler and a screaming "I need milk-now" infant has certainly proved to be a challenge; yet today I realized again that it is ALL worth it...every moment of it! It makes me want to embrace every moment of snuggling, every look of affection, every meal we have and every time I sit with my children reading stories.

Most days are long and hard but then I remember that God is the one who blessed me with this job...with this two precious children...and with the ability to manage all aspects of my life through HIS strength. He is the one who has reminded me over and over again to embrace each moment... pleasant or otherwise. The days go by too fast and our children grow up when we are not looking...so LOOK! ENJOY! EMBRACE! ...every moment we are given with those God has entrusted us with.

~B~

Convictions from a Lazy Heart

Hello Dear Ones-

It truly has been a long while since I have posted. My confession: my lazy heart.

In September, I committed to join and study the Book of Genesis with a Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) group. I did great.....until week nine came around. Yikes!

The typical things got in the way and the common phrase, "I am really busy" became my excuse. Yes, I was busy, but to my dismay, my busyness lead me to push out God.

So, now that I am on "break" from my job until January, I thought I would catch up on the 4 lessons I have missed, starting at Genesis chapter 10--- the Tower of Babel.

As I began to read the BSF notes on chapters 10 and 11, I felt a sadness in my heart for the people who deliberately chose to forsake God for their own selfish ambitions. They desired to be known and worshiped among their peers. They wanted the power and recognition  They wanted to be in control. They worked long and hard to build this beautiful and tall tower....for their own selfish confidence.

To be honest, I was appalled at their decision to chose selfish gain and selfish confidence over God. And then.......God showed me that I have been very much like these people that I loathed.

God revealed to me my personal expressions of pride, situations where I have called attention to myself (and away from God), and moments where I purposely chose to honor my own heart instead of God's heart.

How can we humans fall into the same repetitive traps (and so quickly?!?!)? How do our hearts become so lazy yet pride full?

The BSF lesson notes asked some very pointed questions:

• How have you taken satisfaction in other people's support more than in God's closeness?
• What are you doing right now that might really be for your own advancement and not for God?
• Where have you deliberately chosen NOT to exalt God's name or His Word?

These are all good questions to ask no matter where you are in your relationship with God. I know that my lazy heart has caused WAY more harm then good! Are you aware of the areas in your life that you tend to put off because of laziness, pride, selfishness, etc.?

God calls us to present ourselves to Him FULLY! I am more convicted of this then ever especially as we enter this special season of Christmas when God purposely sent His Son to live on this earth among the lazy-hearted.

The best gift that you can give this Christmas is a clean, pure heart with obedience, trust and faith. Jesus is waiting to receive this from each of us......

~B~

My Never Satisfied Thirst

Summer is finally here! As I spend more time in the sun, I also find myself thirsty. I walk into the kitchen, open the refrigerator and search for something cold to drink.... juice, lemonade, soda. Anything will do--as long as it is cold!

When I drive home from work, I have also been know to pull over at the closest gas station and pay a ridiculous amount of money for a bottle of fancy, super-purified water.

Regardless how thirsty I seem and how much I try to quench that thirst, the thirst always comes back. Always!

Reflecting on this, I began to draw a "spiritual" connection between my never satisfied thirst and my relationship with Jesus. 

Have I been substituting artificial, sugar-filled, tart drinks for the only true and pure "Water Source?"

Jesus says in John 4:13, 14 "Everyone who drinks of this water [the water at the well] will thirst again; but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life."

WOW! That sounds so much better than my sugary soft-drink or over priced gas station water! Jesus is promising a life forever with Him! He is promising that our deepest desires, those things we thirst and hunger for in this world, will be met by Him (and ONLY Him!). He promises us a life spent in relationship with Him, a sweetness that is sweeter than any sugary-drink or drink substitution. 

Jesus desires to life fully with and in each of us! He has created us to rely on Him.

So, what I have been relying on in my life to fill this space, hole or desire in my life? In the past, it has been relationships, shopping, gossip, a busy schedule, organizing, and cleaning. But what happens when relationships fail? New clothes get torn? People are hurt by my harsh words of gossip?  My schedule is empty? The things I just organized and cleaned get unorganized and dirt?

My reaction varied from depression, anger, and pride. I would just keep trying harder to maintain, do more, say more. Until......I found Jesus! Jesus takes away this desire to strive for earthly satisfaction and "doing more" to relying solely on Him. There is no substitution in the word that can replace what God has given me. 

What God has given me is an eternal, living water! Have you received this "Living Water?" Have you tried desperately to fill an empty hole in your own life by gossip, people pleasing, or maybe something else? God desires to your living water! He desires to be the one who fills every longing that you have. It comes through a relationship with Him! This does not mean your life will be perfect, or that you will never long for anything again. It does mean that God wants to partner with you in your life and  help you find the true value in Him.

Dear Lord-

Please forgive me for trying to find satisfaction in the wrong places. Please forgive me for those I have hurt while doing so. I thank you for giving me a living water (YOU!) so that I will never thirst again. May I continue to rely on you more and more each day instead of myself.

~Amen~

Representing Christ

Did you know that you may be the only Bible that people see or read?

I am convicted of this very question as I respond to a variety of student emails.

How do I come across to these students? Loving? Fair? Harsh? Strict? Caring? A combination?

My heart is so invested in these students; however, my Type-A personality has a tendency to take over, overseeing that everything is done "by the book."  Is that the heart of Jesus?

As a teacher, I deal with more moral and ethical dilemmas then I ever thought possible. I certainly did not learn about this in college!

Despite my position or yours, we have to remember that we are ambassadors of Christ. This means there will be times that we need to extend grace and mercy instead of punishment or discipline.

How my heart longs to be the grace and mercy-giver; the teacher who is known for compassion over strictly following the law.

I pray for you, too, that the Spirit of the Lord will speak these words to you and show you how you might be able to better display His character; I also pray that you will learn how to be a grace and mercy-giver, just like Jesus.

Dear Lord-

Oh! How I need you every day, especially in my work. Help me show compassion, mercy, kindness and grace to the students you have entrusted me with. Help me represent you and your kingdom. Help me see things from your perspective and not my own. Above all, Lord, let YOUR will be done in my lif and in the hearts of those you have entrusted me with. Thanks you Jesus for your love, compassion, kindness, and mercy. I love you.

~Amen~

What is Jesus teaching you?

When I was in Bible school, I would always be asked the question, "What is Jesus teaching you?" What a great and thought-provoking question! When taken to heart, this question really reveals how deep and intimate my relationship with Jesus really is.

The past few days have brought a new awareness about my relationship with Jesus. My husband had his last day of work so that he can go to medical school full-time. On Thursday, my husband (and 8 others) left in hopes to summit Mount Rainier. The next day, I had two friends arrive from Germany, one of which was my roommate in Bible school. They will be staying in our home for a week. There has been a lot of transition and worry in my life over the last few days.

Last night, as I sat with my two German friends and my husband (who climbed off the mountain due to avalanche conditions), we asked each other this question, "What is Jesus teaching you?"

It took me a second to collect my thoughts. My mind was overwhelmed and distracted by the dirty ice cream bowls on the table and the dishes that needed to be turned on. In that moment of chaos, I fully looked to Jesus and reflected on all that HE has been teaching me.

• Live IN today without worrying. Do not live in tomorrow because we are not guaranteed anything but today. 

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."  Matthew 6:34

• As my husband was climbing the mountain, I found myself in constant prayer about his safely. God showed me that this is the way I am supposed to be everyday regardless of what is happening in my life. He calls me to be in conversation with Himself all day. 

"And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints." Ephesians 6:18

• Like Jesus, I need to take time away to be with God. My German friends are WONDERFUL at this and such a great example. They ask to go alone on a walk or say they don't want anything but time with Jesus. WOW! I need their example in my life!

"Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed." Mark 1:35

• We were all made for a purpose, step into it without comparison to others. 

"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." Ephesians 2:10

• He is reminding me that it is a blessing to serve and doing so I am giving myself fully to Jesus. The more opportunities I receive, the more I understand my spiritual gifts of serving and hospitality. 

"God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another." 1 Peter 4:10

• Allow others to serve me because this could be their spiritual act of worship.

So, those are just a few things that God had reminded me of over the last week. It was a great question to be asked last night; it was even greater to stop to reflect and verbalize all that He has been doing. 

So, I ask you, "what has Jesus been teaching you?"

What have I done with my Gift?

Recently, I have found myself caught up in the materialistic world (even if only in my head). I compare what I have (or don't have) with the possessions of others. My faulty thinking leads me to believe that I "NEED" this new thing or that new object to have a complete life. It is not bad to desire nice things or save up for a special something; however, I must remember that my life is not my own. My life is a gift from God. 

What have I been doing with my gift?

It reminds me of John's caution against the lust of the eyes, the lust of the flesh and the boastful pride of life. (1 John 2:16)

The NLT states it this way, 

"For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world."

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!? Have I really strayed that far from God that I consider and label the things that God has given me as not enough? When I talk to God and "tell" Him all the things I need, aren't I, in  a sense, telling Him what He has given me is not really enough.....give me more?


I display the characteristics of one with an ungrateful heart. Shame on me! The interesting part is that I think that I am good, that I am okay, and that "it is well with my soul." How easily I can become a hypocrite. I must remember that,

"The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?" Jeremiah 17:9 (NLT)

Paul writes, "....there is no one who does good, not even one." (Romans 3:12)

So, in the light of these scriptures, I must remember that the only good in me is Jesus. When I walk away from Him and no longer have relationship with Him, my desires turn quickly to the world. My heart begins to deceive me and my selfishness becomes my primary goal in life. 

I realize (again) that there is a drastic difference between a want and a need, a difference of living in the natural verses living in the spiritual, and a difference between being self-dependent and God-dependent. My desire should be this:

"Do nothing from selfish or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others" (Phil. 2:3,4)

So, here is my prayer:


Dear Jesus-
Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. Today, I need you. I turn away from my faulty thinking. I turn away from my selfish desires. I pray that YOUR will be done in my life and that I might be obedient....at all costs. Please forgive me for my wicked and divided heart. May my thoughts only be to serve you and by doing so, serve others. I thank you that my sins are forgiven and that I am dearly loved by you. Teach me your ways, Lord, that I might display your love, grace, and peace to others. I love you, Jesus!  ~Amen~

Where is your heart and motivations today?

God wisdom is foolishness to this world

Be anxious for nothing. Be anxious for nothing. Be anxious for nothing.

As I sit here at Starbucks, that is the verse that is being repeated in my head. I fight my flesh. "How can I be anxious for nothing when I have NO IDEA what is going to happen?!?!?"

My mind is flooded with, "What if?" and "I don't know if I can!" and "I don't even know how to start." and "What if no one likes me or what I bring to the table?"

When typing this, I am convicted of two particular situations....both, I might add, are out of my control.

In my flesh (especially my curse as a woman [Gen. 3]) I am prone to the desire to want to control. Yet, God has called me to trust in Him and Him alone for HE is in control. (Romans 8:26, Jer. 29:11)

Since I was 13 years old, I have soaked in scripture. I know the verses in the gospels and the epistles that tell me not to worry, but really what does this transaction look like? ....the transaction of releasing my worries to Jesus. Advice from friends make it sound so easy....just give your life to Him, just let it go, you know that God has your back. The words of "encouragement" go on and on (whether they are from friends or from the programmed responses in my head). Either way, I drown myself in anxious thoughts and worries.

Although I may not know the outcome of my two situations for awhile (one in a few weeks and the other at least 6 months!), Jesus calls me to rest in Him.

 ""Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matt. 11:28, 29

It seems so easy, doesn't it? I just see this picture of Jesus, holding His arms open just for me... to snuggle me in His warm and compassionate embrace.

In this realization, I remember that "He MAKES ME lay in green pastures." (Psalm 23:2; emphasis added).  And "He [alone] restores my soul." (Psalm 23:3). He has gifted me with two very difficult opportunities to trust in Him.  The wisdom of God is sometimes foolishness to this world, but these two particular situations are a gift and an opportunity to trust in my Maker. 

So, I surrender. I CHOSE to: trust, let the peace of Christ wash over me, "allow" His will to be done above my own, entrust Him with my future, and stop being afraid.

In this season of life, I cling to this verse, 

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done." (Phil. 4:6)

What truth are you clinging to when you are faced with the SIN of worrying? The sin of being anxious? The sin of controlling? The sin of denying Christ the right to rule in ALL areas of your life? 

Release it! "For who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" (Luke 12:25)

 

Passages about worry, anxious thoughts and the peace of Christ:

• Matthew 6:25-34
• Philippians 4:6
• Luke 12:25
• 1 Peter 5:7
• Isaiah 43:1-3
• 2 Thessalonians 3:16
• Proverbs 3:5-6 

Addictions of the Mind & Distractions of the Heart

Our brains are one of the most complex parts of our bodies. It is the decision and communication center for everything we do in our daily life: breathing, blinking, memorize facts for a test, or remember important details for a work project. In essence, the brain acts as our command center, directing our choices, holding our thoughts, and pushing us into action.

Realizing the important function of my very personal "command center," I begin to wonder what exactly is directing my choices, thoughts, and action. It is scary to think that many religions tell me to "empty my mind." My mind has to be filled with something, right? Hearing this, I become desperate for the One and Only to fill my mind (even if I don't always understand what it is He is saying to me.) As it says in Isaiah, "His ways are not our ways; his thoughts not our thoughts." Certainly I want the Creator of EVERYTHING to occupy and control my mind, yet I fall short.

Although I try desperately to hand over the controls of my thought life to God, I find myself convicted about the many addictions that cloud my mind.

"ADDICTIONS!?!?!" Yes, I said that ugly word! Addictions!

You may question this, thinking, "What? Brandi has addictions?" Or, on a more personal note you might be secretly denying your addictions. Regardless, we all have them....whether they are "just" in our minds or are played out in our actions. We call them by many names: addictions, habits, issues, minor distractions, minor obsession, or just a "little hang-up."

No matter what you or I call "it," "it" (our addictions) slowly lure our minds away from Christ.

I find myself battling God over who has the right to control my mind. I fight against my will as the Holy Spirit pursues me with great passion. At times, my desperation for these addictions surprises and scares me. I ask myself, "Why is this battle so hard? I know the right way, the Only way." Yet, for some reason, sin takes over; and the battle rages.

In these times, God slowly speaks to me, "Your need and desperation should only be for ME, child. Not things, positions, relationships, recognitions." What other reaction can I have to that but shock? His truth brings conviction straight to my heart.

God speaks tenderly to me in this battle of will and emotion. You see, no matter what I do, my God (our God) is a compassionate, gentle, and loving God. The prophet Joel writes, "Rend your heart.... Return to the LORD your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity." (Joel 2:12)

When life begins to drown me and my addictions take over,  I simply need to look up and surrender. I need to remember that, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" (Jeremiah 17:9) The ONLY ONE who can understand it is the Creator of my heart and of my mind. Am I willing to let go, give up, release, abandon, and yield my addicted mind and distracted heart to God? Because it is only then that God can shine through me. It is only then I am perfected in my weakness. It is only then that I become who God has created me to be: a reflection of His grace.

What addictions are pulling you away from Christ? What distractions are filling your heart? I beg you to go before the Lord to repent, surrender, and be filled anew with His precious love and life! It is a process, yes; however, the first step is recognition and surrender! Christ died to set us free!

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."  (Gal. 5:1)

Denying Christ.

Which areas of your life are you denying Christ?

This past weekend at the Women's Retreat for my church, God asked me just this very question. Of course, I quickly replied to Him, "I am not knowingly denying you any area of my life, Lord."

Then He replied, "Well, what about this area and that area?"

For the sake of this blog, these areas do not need to be mentioned, but needless to say, my jaw dropped!

Was I really one of "those" people who thought I was 100% free from denying Christ any area of my life? Did I really think that God did not care about those two particular areas of my life? I mean, after all, I had hid them SOOOOO well. Yea, right!

After some weeping and anger, I was able to come before the Lord and apologize for my attitude and my unwilling heart. Getting to the point of apology and a humbled spirit is never easy (at least for me), yet is is amazing how closely my Lord knows what is happening in my heart and mind. 

When I first began to deny Christ these two areas, I began to push them deep down and "ignore" them. Soon, there were only anxious thoughts and well-laid plans. But with Christ, nothing can be pushed down too far or hidden in the depths of that secret place without Him knowing about it.

The theme passage this weekend was Psalm 139. It asks these two questions, "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your Presence? If I go to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there..." (verses 7,8)

God knows us so intimately. It shouldn't be shocking; however, this weekend the Lord Himself spoke to me. He spoke words of discipline, words of action, and also words of love and encouragement. 

Although I am still wrestling with what the Lord has spoken to me, I feel released from worry, stress, and anxiety. Knowing that God cares so much for me that He would bring these two very important issues up and provide a way, makes me realize how great our God really is!

So, I ask you, what areas of your life are you denying Christ? 

I challenge you to seek the Lord. He will not only be faithful to answer you, but He will be faithful to walk with you. I pray that you will sense His peace and presence as you do business with God!

Blessings!

Some Helpful Scriptures:

• Psalm 139
• Jeremiah 31:3-5
• Matthew 6:25-34
• Romans 8:28-39
• 1 Corinthians 3:16-23

Everyone Can Do Something

Back in November, I attended the youth service at church. I overheard a conversation among a few of the teens. The one phrase that has been seared into my mind is, "We are teenagers. We don't count."

Now, I do not want to be presumptions, but don't these teenagers know the God who created them and who loves them? One of the most famous scriptures says, "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever should believe in him should not perish but have everlasting life." (John 3:16) We all count to God! If we didn't He would not have sent His only beloved son to die for your behalf!

My heart aches for these kids (and everyone!) to know the depth of God's love and the sacrifices He made to make that possible. As I have been pondering this, I was reminded of this quote:

"No one can do everything, 

but every one can do something."

We ALL count!! We ALL matter!! We are ALL born with a purpose!! We have ALL been given different gifts to help each other out (even though your gift may seem insignificant to you)!!! "Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms."  (1 Peter 4:10)

I am so encouraged by this! 

Imagine if we all develop a greater confidence in the LORD, a greater confidence in the abilities and gifts that He has given us, and a greater confidence in our personal relationship with Him. WOW! Our world would be a drastically different place.

When I start to think big like this, I find myself overwhelmed. I find myself reverting back to my faulty thinking that says, "You can't change the world," "This problem is too big for just one person to handle," "You don't have the proper training."

Once I start down this path of thinking, it can be very difficult to escape the dark cave of my mind. I remind myself much of the teenagers who all "agreed" that they did not count.

Yet when I look at TRUTH (the Person of Jesus), I see where my thinking departed from His thinking. 

1. First Truth: I cannot change the world. BUT Christ IN ME can!
2. Second Truth: Jesus was 30 when he started his "public" ministry.....well, I am just 1 day away from that! :)
3. Third Truth: I may not have any formal or "earthly" training, but the scripture says that the Spirit of the Lord will speak for me.

Now, there is a caveat to these three truths mentioned above. I must partner with God.

• I MUST be obedient to God (Deut. 5:33)
• I MUST spend time in His presences 
• I MUST know His character (which I learn from reading scripture)
• I MUST learn to rely on His way and not my own (John 14:6)

We must remember that God is with us! "What, then, should we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31) He is not only the cheerleader (or coach) on the sidelines, He is right there with us as we journey this life together!

So, where can you "count"? Where in your life can you allow God to use the gifts that He has given you? Remember, it is not about us or about our ability. It is about Christ in you, the hope of glory!" (Col. 1:27)

To learn more about these "spiritual gifts," here are some suggested reading:

• Romans 12:4-10
• 1 Corinthians 12
• Ephesians 4
• 1 Peter 4:9-10

Tulips! God's Great Creation!

A little of God's Creation!

 Skagit Valley Tulip Festival

My tulip "field"

God is Great Than Me? Really?

"Our God is greater. Our God is stronger. Our God higher than any other."


If you have listened to Christian radio lately, the above phrase has you humming the Chris Tomlin song titled, "Our God." What amazing words that capture the heart of our heavenly Father. Listening evokes this image of such a powerful, loving God who is also so personal with each one of us.


The first time I really listened to the words of this song was at the "Passion" conference in British Columbia in 2010. With over 20,000 voices singing their hearts out unashamedly, I sensed God smiling down on the arena. For a moment, as the strobe lights flashed about and the stage smoke dissipate, I stopped to listen and observe. This 20,000 person choir was a sight to behold!! Hands lifted, voices crying out, and hearts being brought closer to the True and Only Savior. I was breath-taken.


Today, I am brought back to the Power of the One the song is about: Christ. As I rolled out of bed this morning, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes as I made the bed, I tuned into the Chris Tomlin radio station on Pandora. "Our God," was the first song that played. In a new way, I was struck by this one phrase in the chorus, "Our God is higher than any other."


These words pierced my heart deeply. In my sleepiness, the first question that came into my mind was, "Really? God is even greater than me!?!?!" Now that I am FULLY awake (with a few cups of coffee and all!) I realize how silly this question was, yet I see a telling truth that needs to be teased out.


The world in which we live in is truly all about us. Fast food restaurants like Burger King tell us to "Have it your way." Starbucks tells us that our "Drink should be perfect all of the time. If not, let us remake it." On-Demand and Netflix make it easy for us to watch what we want, when we want. Stores like Albertson's and Safeway are now delivering groceries to your door at your convenience. The use of "smartphones" allows a person to obtain maps, facts, pictures....really whatever you want! I can create the world I want. I can surround myself with what I want. Me! Me! Me.


I am NOT saying that technology is horrible or Burger King is the devil or having an preferences are bad; however, I am convicted that I have let the patterns of this world, the acceptable practices of this world, to rule my life. Don't get me wrong, I love having my hamburger "my way" and the most "perfect," delicious, handcrafted double-tall-1 pump raspberry-nonfat-170 degree-latte. BUT where do I allow Christ to rule my life?


When in my life do I ask God to step in and transform my mind to focus on Him and His will for my life? When do I recognize my proper place in His Kingdom?


It is hard for me to think of "my" things as God's things.  "My" family as God's family. "My" money as God's money. It was even hard for me when I got married (a little over a year and a half ago) to combine bank accounts with my husband! I want to have full control over my life, my finances, my schedule and by golly, how the clothes got folded!!!! In 1 Timothy 6:7, I am reminded, "For we brought nothing into this world, and we can take nothing our of it." So, what control do I really have?


In my spiritual mind, I am saying, "Where does true eternal value lay in consulting God on spending the money He gives me, or giving of my borrowed time on earth to help a neighbor?"  Does it come from justifying my sin? Does it come from elevating myself above others? Does it come from mocking others to cover my own insecurities? In my flesh I battle with pride, arrogance, greed, selfishness. Then I am reminded of this verse, 1 John 2:16 " For ever"ything in the world---the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life--comes not from the Father but from the world."


YIKES! I am so far into the world that I did not even realize it! Since when did I become "greater" than God, the Creator?! Expecting everyone to wait on my hand and foot? Blasphemy! May it NEVER be so! "What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yer forfeit their soul?" Matthew 16:26


God has chosen me (us). And because He has chosen me (us), I (we) have to come to an understanding about who I (we) am (are) in Christ. (John 15:19) I may not be popular in this world...even hated by the world. I will (learn to) sacrifice much of my own selfish desire to submit to His will. I may seem weak to those who do not understand the God I serve (2 Corinthians 12:9). Yet, I go back to Chris Tomlin's song. I am reminded that "Our God is greater. Our God is stronger. Our God higher than any other....(even me!!!!)" And for that I am thankful!

I need to heed the advice of the author James and "...keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27 This is no easy task, but I must ALWAYS remember "For the LORD your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon or destroy you or forget the covenant with your forefathers, which he confirmed to them by oath." (Deut. 4:31).  God is indeed, Greater, Stronger, and Higher than any other...even me!!!  Where do you position God in your life?

Resolve to Follow the Lord

When faced with difficult decisions, what do you turn to?

Every day I am called to make choices: What should I eat? What should I wear? How should I spend my free time? In many things God gives me the freedom to choose. He trusts me to make a decision that will uplift others and bring glory to Himself. In choosing, I am either saying yes to God or yes to my own selfishness. 

Yet, in other choices (more difficult choices) I find that my first, human response is selfishness, greed, and blame shifting. I try to justify or rationalize my thinking saying something like, “well, this is an accepted practice among my peers,” or the famous, “everyone is doing it.” The dialog in my head is nowhere close to how God, my Father, wants me to react. How shameful I feel when I compare myself to the cross. Despite these feelings, I must be reminded of the Truth, “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.” (Romans 8:1)

The decisions I make (whether big or small) say something about who God is and who God is in my life. If you were able to listen into these conversations, I wonder how you would be influenced to or away from the Kingdom.

Recently reading though the book of James, the author writes about how teachers will be held to a higher level of accountability because of the influence they have over those they teach. If this is the case, we will ALL be held to a higher level of accountability. Are we all not teachers of the Word merely by the way we act or react to the watching world (believers or nonbelievers)? Have we not been given the most amazing “Instruction Book” ever written? I am challenged by this passage in James as well as Romans 12:2, which calls us to “Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of our minds. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing, and perfect will.” 

I don’t know about you, but that seems like A LOT of work!!!! 

First, “do not conform…to the patterns of ‘THIS’ world.” How in the world do I do that? I have to realize that my “citizenship is in heaven” (Philippians 3:30) and that I am an alien and stranger to this world (1 Peter 2:11).  It is okay that I resist the thinking of this world, because this world is NOT my home. My home is in heaven!

Secondly, this passage calls me to be “Transform ‘BY’ the renewing of our minds” I LOVE the promise in 1 Corinthians 2:16 “We have the mind of Christ.” I have to turn my focus on Him and realize that we have been given every spiritual blessing in Christ. (Ephesians 1:3)

Lastly, then we will know what “God’s will is.” WOW! I can know God's will!?!?! Amazing!!

….to be constantly on guard against the powers of darkness (Ephesians 6), to lean not on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5-6), and to recognize that His ways are not my way and His thoughts are not my thoughts (Isaiah 55:8). I am thankful that I have Jesus to walk with me and help me in these decisions. (Joshua 1:5). 

To put these principles into application, over the past few weeks God has been challenging me to take responsibility for my choices. He wants me to trust that HE knows what is best, even if I have made a mess out of a situation. He reminds me of this passage, “For I know the plans I have for you…plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

In the middle of the chaos, He calls me to 1) STOP! 2) Look Up and 3) Recognize the power He has in my life. He is the Creator. He reminded me just because something in our society it is legal or popular does not mean that is it right in God’s eyes. The root of my life and focus needs to be Jesus and Jesus only!

I need to pray that the Spirit will stir up a fire so that I will hear the voice of God and go deeper into knowing Him! 

I need to resolve to follow the Lord. No matter where He takes me (or no matter what society says)! I may be the only Bible people read and the only example of Christ people may witness. I must remember to look to Christ in times of decision. Like the old song goes, “He holds the whole world in His hands.” I must believe that He is holding me life too, helping me make the right choices. Are you allowing Him to hold yours?

Holy Week: Celebration of Passover and the Risen Lamb!

I was so struck by the worship today. As I drove to church, the Newsboys song " God's not dead" brought tears to my eyes. What a victorious life we live in HIM who is alive, on the inside, roaring like a lion-- protecting me, loving me and directing me. I don't know how many times I have heard this song, but for some reason, and in this season that we celebrate, it was brought to life! God is not dead! He is very much alive.


As I walked into church and was handed a palm branch, I was reminded of Jesus' triumphant entry into Jerusalem. In Mark 11:1-11, Everyone was ready to pick out their own personal lamb to sacrifice and make atonement for the sins of their family and children. So they were on their way to Jerusalem to pick their lamb, taking the offering to the priest for sacrifice. This particular day is called "Lamb Selection Day" (or as we call it today, Palm Sunday). As the pastor put it, "it would be like Costco the day before Thanksgiving." As families were hustling around, trying to make their way to find the "perfect" lamb, they noticed something different. In the chaos, excitement and business of their travels, they paused. Suddenly, they recognized the King, the One True sacrifice, Jesus, as He rode passed them on a colt into the city. People where throwing down their coats and palm branches to usher him in. Did they realize that the donkey that passed them held the weight of the world's sins (Jesus)? Did they realize they were seeing the One who bore their sins and would voluntarily die as a sacrifice for their personal sins?? Even John the Baptist proclaimed Jesus as the Lamb of God in John 1:29. It is no coincidence that Jesus rode into the city on this day, "Lamb Selection Day." what a beautiful picture!


I wonder if the people really knew or believed in Who they just saw riding passed them. "Really? The King of the World...and on a donkey? That is not glamorous at all...why not a well-groomed horse like David's or the procession like many others kings from the Old Testament who came back from a victorious battle." I wonder how quickly things went back to business as usual once He trotted past them. I bet there was a celebration and built up excitement. Yet was the excitement a reaction to the crowd's excitement or because they truly understood that they just saw the One True God? Did they stop their minds long enough to digest and understand who He was, what He was about to endure and the sacrifice He was going to make. How often in my life do I neglect to "Be still and know that He is God?"


Looking back on it, maybe they really didn't know what was going to come. Maybe they did not listen closely when he was teaching and preaching and this message just floated by them. Regardless, it is interesting to see how quickly they threw down their coats and waved the branches (a sign of Israel's freedom and independence). Yet, this week, we will see how quickly they came to shout "Crucify Him! Crucify Him! Crucify Him!"


For me, this has been a great (and painful) reminder. Do I acknowledge Jesus as the Lamb of God? The precious and costly sacrifice? Just like those hustling around to select their lamb sacrifice, have I lost sight of what the sacrifice means....too busy to stop and watch the True Lamb enter into my city, life and my heart? Am I quick to throw down my cloak and wave my palm yet just as quick pick it back up and continue life as usual--continue in my patterns of sin and quickly fall into temptation? Have I forgotten the physical and spiritual pain Jesus endured? Do I take time to listen to what He is teaching and preaching to me now, knowing there will be a time when Jesus will depart from the earth (Isaiah 55:6). Although I have not said the words "crucify Him," I realize I have through my actions and attitudes...by choosing my way over His way. By saying what He offers me is not enough. By being self-reliant instead of God-reliant. What a good, yet painful lesson to learn.


Despite all of this....while I am still a sinner (only saved by the grace of God), Jesus STILL died for me (Rom.5:8).


What a gift! I pray as you reflect on these scriptures that you will allow the One True God to not just walk past you, but to live in your heart! To recognize that we all sin and fall short of the glory of God but have been justified FREELY by God's loving grace (Rom. 3:23).