Saturday, October 28, 2017

Growing a boy: It is finished

It has come. The end of a season. It has been a laborious six months. Something consuming my life for up to three hours a day… Having to sneak away 8 to 12 times per day no matter where I was or what I was doing. It required me to plan ahead, pack and prepare for any given situation...batteries, ice packs, cover, extra bottles, sanitation wipes. This was my life.


It has been challenging to come to a resolution about exclusively pumping for my preemie son. It has been more emotional than I ever thought… Deciding when to stop providing nourishment  for my baby, my last born.  In the past month, I have slowly let my milk supply dry up. At first it was a complete relief to not be tied to my breast pump 24 hours a day while managing life… My three babies, household, and full-time work among other things.  As I would reduce the number of pumping sessions, I would wonder how in the world I pumped so many times throughout the day while keeping all of my kids happy and safe.  I am not going to lie, it was a tough routine to develop at first. But somehow we all managed and I was able to successfully pump breastmilk for my son.

In many ways I felt guilty for wanting to stop pumping. I actually started the process mid August and realized I had so much guilt over it that I just couldn't continue. I quickly picked up my former pumping schedule and decided to pump until he was six months old. Another difficult and emotional part of this decision includes the fact that my son cannot tolerate dairy protein.  Having stopped dairy in my own diet mid May, I have a plethora of breastmilk that he currently cannot consume because of his severe reaction to this protein. In some ways I feel like my pumping was all in vain.  I have a chest deep freezer full of breastmilk but I am praying one day he will be able to consume it. (Join me in prayer?). We have had to introduce formula in the last few weeks to supplement since I currently do not have enough dairy protein free  milk available for  him....at the cost of $40 per can.

 Our feeding routine has now become a scientific concoction… Mixing breastmilk with rice cereal and then mixing formula separate to ensure consistency. Then the final step is mixing the two together so that it is an equal and complete blend. I started making almost a days worth of milk at one time  which has greatly saves time and the stress of not getting that mixture just right.

In all of these emotional struggles, my desire is to find joy and to give thanks. I am grateful for our son. I am grateful for all of the medical professionals who have encouraged us these past six months, giving us wisdom, guidance, and a stack full of literature to read. I would not say our life is easy by any means, but whose life really is? We are all given struggles and emotional challenges in which will either draw us closer to the Lord or drastically push us away from him. I choose to draw closer to him, embracing all of this that the season holds. I am grateful for the gift of life

I know one day I will look back on these times fondly. Thankful that we were able to provide for our son and our family in so many ways that others cannot. I am blessed to hold my son because of his reflux screaming fits. I am blessed to have stairs to run up to so that I can hold him in his room.  I am blessed! No matter how long the days are or how little sleep I get each night, I. Am. Blessed.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Growing a family: What does it matter

It is still hard to believe that I am a mother to three children. Even typing out those words it seems foreign.

I often wonder what makes me qualified for this role. What did God see in me to grant me such responsibility?

To be honest, most days are a blur. Only through His strength am I able to endure the daily demands of a 3 year old, 22-month old and 6-month old. Wild.

Removing myself, it seems overwhelming. How can anyone handle such chaos and still exude love, patience and kindness? How can one manage life: housework, cooking, cleaning, bill-paying, friendships, work, and sleep-deprivation to top it off.

Jesus.

By no means am I saying I have it all together. I am blessed if I am able to remain "cool" throughout the day and react in love rather than frustration or annoyance. 

Some days I feel like I just go through the motions, not fully engaging with those around me or cherishing the moments of snuggles or hugs. This saddens me.

My friend's mother passed away earlier this month from cancer. I have know her since I was in 8th grade...practically a lifetime. What are the things she treasured the most? A clean house or basking in the warmth of a happy family? If she could answer, I am most certain she would say family.

In the light of eternity, what on earth really matters? This is a challenging and convicting thought. How would you answer it?

I'm sure like many of you, I get caught up in my to-dos, my social media, making things perfect or clean, well organized. But what does it matter? Do I spend time sharing Jesus? Breathing in each moment of my chaotic and sometimes overwhelmed life? What can I remove (mentally or physically) to make my life less overwhelmed and focused on the things that truly matter?

The practice of being present, no matter what my "present" looks like, clean , dirty, happy or fitful...it is my present. The one God has granted to me. In the chaos-- in the unknown--in the overwhelming--- GOD.

God. He is the only one who qualifies me for this role of motherhood. And I am blessed.


Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Growing a family: Getting rid of it all

It has been a process over the last 2 1/2 + years. It has been painstaking, forsaking things that once brought me so much joy. It has been a process of reclaiming my mental space in the midst of my physical world: decluttering.

I go through phases of my "get rid of it all" rampage. Yesterday was one of those days. I boxed up half the toys and up to the attic they went for future sorting/donating. And did my kids notice today? Not at all.

My closet is another one of "those" spaces. Only 6-months postpartum I still have high hopes that I will fit into my old "skinny" jeans (a reality I am not sure about after having 3 kids!) yet I still have a plastic tote stored away of my "when I am healthy and back in shape" clothes. The remaining items are things that kinda fit...maybe if I squeeze in, don't eat or better yet don't move. Others have small tears or snags from the laundry machine while other just don't fit me properly anymore but for the lack of anything better they take up valuable drawer space.

Oh, the kitchen! How many gadgets and trinkets have collected over the 7 years we have lived in this house. Do I really need that lemon squeezer thingy. What about old knives that no longer cut but were given as a gift. The countless unused plastic bowls and utensils. To be honest, I only use a handful of tools because, lets face it, with three kids aged 3 years of age and under plus working full-time while being a full-time stay at home mommy does not lead itself to much cooking.

So in order to create some type of control over my physical stuff, I purge. I am finding that the less material possessions I have, the more thankful I am for what I do have...the more I appreciate it, use it and enjoy it.

As I go through my clothes, I find that the struggle and stress of getting ready in the morning is slowly shrinking the more the number of items in my closet shirk. I have found that I also do less laundry too! Both a perk!  My eventual goal is to create a capsule wardrobe consisting about 50 items...if anyone wants to come over and help me with this one, I am more than willing to accept!

The toys feel like an endless battle, though. Almost like something that is not mine for the taking... yet also something the little creatures in my house don't always pick up after or take care of. Although the amount of toys has been reduced, it seems like a losing battle. We have become more selective on what we bring into our house and have created an easy organizational system which allows toys to be easily stored and retrieved. I have tried the "rotate the toys" thing but for me it feels like move the clutter from one spot to moving the clutter to the attic. I think this is an area we will always have to work on.

Keeping a "get-rid-of-bin" in an easily accessible location has helped this process greatly. I no longer have things piles in the car, attic and the basement. There is a one-point collection.

Throughout this process, God has been teaching me and reminding me that He is more than enough. That my abundance is a blessing from Him and in my abundance, I need to share. These lessons transfer well into the conversations I now have with my children...not only teaching them gratitude for what they have but also generosity as we share what He has given us. It brings up many points about need vs. want. It reminds me that God wants me to not just give from my abundance but to sacrifice to Him. It helps me check my motives and desires before I purchase something. Decluttering and purging creates space for me to spend more time with my family rather than just managing, cleaning, folding, and putting away stuff. I recently asked myself what I spend the most time doing in my daily life....the honest answer what shocking. How can I refocus on what REALLY matters, spending less time managing my stuff? Getting rid of it.




Friday, October 20, 2017

Growing a boy: Turning 6-Months

A few weeks ago, our sweet Oliver turned 6-months old. To be honest, it was a milestone we were unsure he would make. To my great surprise this has been an emotional past few weeks. In some ways it reminds me of the weeks we spent once he came home from the NICU at 28-days. Our schedule has been full of appointments: physical therapy, occupational therapy, pulmonology, meeting with dieticians, general pediatrics.  We also "celebrated" Oliver's first ear infection with yet another trip to the doctor's office.

It is overwhelming. Information. Milestones. Eating adjustments. New formula. New medications. Different floor exercises. The list goes on and on.

What do you do with all of this information? I cry.

Since his birth, Tyler and I have often recounted the days leading up to Oliver's delivery and especially the uncertain days after his birth. It is a story that we process over and over again. Grieving in some ways and rejoicing in others. Yet no matter how many times I tell the story, I still cannot believe what has happened to me. To Tyler. To Oliver. I am amazed.

I often ask myself, "How did we get through that?" But the reality and true is that we haven't. We are still in the midst of it. We might no longer be at the bedside of a infant near death. We might be past the apnic stages in which Oliver would stop breathing at home. Yet we have no certainty of what the future holds for this little boy. The surgeons are confident that the edges of the tumor were removed at day 5 of life but at the same time no one really knows what the tumor was. For all I know, there could be some forgein growth reemerging in my son's lung and we probably won't know about it until his 1-year lung x-ray...waiting another 6-months.

I do not live my life worrying but as a mother, your heart is always with your child...fighting, advocating and ensuring every possible stone is un-turned. The days are long...oh, are they long. Our near 25 pound 6-month old wants to be carried ALL OF THE TIME... not an easy feat for many reason but two of those "reasons" are 3 years old and 21-months old. :) The nights are endless and mirror the activities that occur during the day. Some how we manage to fit in two full-time jobs, church activities, relationships with friends and family on a limited 4-6 hours of sleep per night. Despite the chaos of our life, in the midst of all of this I grieve. I process. I spend a few extra minutes parked in my driveway (either alone or with sleeping or screaming babies in the backseat) to allow myself to feel the deep emotions of what this past 6-7 months has allowed our family to journey through.

I don't know if I will ever "get over it" or fully process through what this season has given us. Maybe it is still too fresh. Maybe I never allowed myself to feel the emotions these past 6-months yet either way, I am still in awe of what God-Creator molded in my womb and allowed to be delivered into this broken world and preserved! The words God spoke to me around the time of Oliver's birth were, "I giveth and I taketh away. You have to be okay with that." It is strange now how much comfort those words gave me during one of the most challenging and emotionally taxing times of my life. Six-months later I reflect on those words knowing that in God all things are held together for His good and my benefit.

In the days when emotions are high and Oliver is screaming endlessly, I choose to pull him in a little closer, breath in his sweet hair as I run my fingers through it. I gently pat his back while I repeatedly bounce him up and down. I gently wipe the tears from his eyes and look deeply into them trying to hold on to every.single.piece of who he is. I take more pictures than I probably "should." I talk about him probably more than people want to hear. He is a miracle. Sweet Oliver is a miracle. He reminds me every day of God's goodness, faithfulness and His ability to answer prayers in ways I would have never imagined. I am overwhelmed.

So, please forgive me. If you see me crying...if I start talking and have to pause...if I change the subject...if I talk too much about what I have experienced. Turning 6-months is a huge cause to celebrate. And I am overwhelmed. From a less than 1% chance of survival to thriving...how could anyone ever process such heartache and such joy! In God, I am overwhelmed. My sweet son turned 6-months old. Hallelujah!