A few weeks ago, our sweet Oliver turned 6-months old. To be honest, it was a milestone we were unsure he would make. To my great surprise this has been an emotional past few weeks. In some ways it reminds me of the weeks we spent once he came home from the NICU at 28-days. Our schedule has been full of appointments: physical therapy, occupational therapy, pulmonology, meeting with dieticians, general pediatrics. We also "celebrated" Oliver's first ear infection with yet another trip to the doctor's office.
It is overwhelming. Information. Milestones. Eating adjustments. New formula. New medications. Different floor exercises. The list goes on and on.
What do you do with all of this information? I cry.
Since his birth, Tyler and I have often recounted the days leading up to Oliver's delivery and especially the uncertain days after his birth. It is a story that we process over and over again. Grieving in some ways and rejoicing in others. Yet no matter how many times I tell the story, I still cannot believe what has happened to me. To Tyler. To Oliver. I am amazed.
I often ask myself, "How did we get through that?" But the reality and true is that we haven't. We are still in the midst of it. We might no longer be at the bedside of a infant near death. We might be past the apnic stages in which Oliver would stop breathing at home. Yet we have no certainty of what the future holds for this little boy. The surgeons are confident that the edges of the tumor were removed at day 5 of life but at the same time no one really knows what the tumor was. For all I know, there could be some forgein growth reemerging in my son's lung and we probably won't know about it until his 1-year lung x-ray...waiting another 6-months.
I do not live my life worrying but as a mother, your heart is always with your child...fighting, advocating and ensuring every possible stone is un-turned. The days are long...oh, are they long. Our near 25 pound 6-month old wants to be carried ALL OF THE TIME... not an easy feat for many reason but two of those "reasons" are 3 years old and 21-months old. :) The nights are endless and mirror the activities that occur during the day. Some how we manage to fit in two full-time jobs, church activities, relationships with friends and family on a limited 4-6 hours of sleep per night. Despite the chaos of our life, in the midst of all of this I grieve. I process. I spend a few extra minutes parked in my driveway (either alone or with sleeping or screaming babies in the backseat) to allow myself to feel the deep emotions of what this past 6-7 months has allowed our family to journey through.
I don't know if I will ever "get over it" or fully process through what this season has given us. Maybe it is still too fresh. Maybe I never allowed myself to feel the emotions these past 6-months yet either way, I am still in awe of what God-Creator molded in my womb and allowed to be delivered into this broken world and preserved! The words God spoke to me around the time of Oliver's birth were, "I giveth and I taketh away. You have to be okay with that." It is strange now how much comfort those words gave me during one of the most challenging and emotionally taxing times of my life. Six-months later I reflect on those words knowing that in God all things are held together for His good and my benefit.
In the days when emotions are high and Oliver is screaming endlessly, I choose to pull him in a little closer, breath in his sweet hair as I run my fingers through it. I gently pat his back while I repeatedly bounce him up and down. I gently wipe the tears from his eyes and look deeply into them trying to hold on to every.single.piece of who he is. I take more pictures than I probably "should." I talk about him probably more than people want to hear. He is a miracle. Sweet Oliver is a miracle. He reminds me every day of God's goodness, faithfulness and His ability to answer prayers in ways I would have never imagined. I am overwhelmed.
So, please forgive me. If you see me crying...if I start talking and have to pause...if I change the subject...if I talk too much about what I have experienced. Turning 6-months is a huge cause to celebrate. And I am overwhelmed. From a less than 1% chance of survival to thriving...how could anyone ever process such heartache and such joy! In God, I am overwhelmed. My sweet son turned 6-months old. Hallelujah!
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