Growing in faith: Let this cup pass

Jesus knew He was on His way to death. He cried out to God, "My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me." Then, in recognition of God's Almighty Power, Jesus said, "Yet not as I will, but as you will." (Matt 26:39)

This passage reminded me of OSH's day of birth. On the OR table, having just had my premature, unresponsive son cut out of my belly, God directly spoke to me saying, "I giveth and I taketh away. You have to be okay with that, ok?!" 

It was a command. It was a fact. It was a reminder. It brought me comfort. Knowing only God is in control of life and death--no matter what the medial team did or did not do. No matter if the doctors and nurse did everything perfect or not. God told me that He controlled Oliver's life. 

In my Bible reading today, I was struck by Jesus' words, "Yet not as I will, but as you will." (Matt 26:39). In light of all of the recent testing and testing to come on our youngest, I will commit to praying this prayer..."Your will be done, Father, Your will be done."

As I surrender, pray, and accept, I find myself in a glorious spot. I find myself again recognizing the beautiful gift our youngest son is (all of our children for that matter). I find myself staring at him in awe of all he overcomes everyday to perform daily tasks. I am reminded that he needs a bit more patience and direction and handholding (literally and figuratively) to accomplish simple directions. I realize that perhaps I am not the best person to teach him preschool "academics" but I am his biggest advocate and resource seeker. I see that I cannot compare our family dynamic with other families in similar stages because our family must do life slightly different. 

I will pray that God will train up his mind to overcome challenges, but to pray for healing...why? He is perfect just the way God intended him to be. It was and is God's way that our son came into the world as he did. It is God's way that as parents we are refined by the "unexpected," our responses more quickly turning to God than any thing else. 

When I once had no hope, God is faithful. With a few new discoveries and possible avenues of support, I know that I can forge ahead in confidence and faith. Our "perfect" son, just as God intended him to be. I write this with a smile on my face and a joy in my heart. God is holding me fast, teaching me, and encouraging me to look beyond what is right in front, the temporal. God is so gracious to us by giving us Oliver, his "complexities" and all. Our little boy is a miracle. He is a teacher, one who teaches us daily to turn to the Creator. 

 As you will, Father, as you will.

Growing in Faith: Witnessing a miracle

Have you ever witnessed a miracle? In my time on earth I certainly have seen a few but in my passage reading today one stands out. It relates to Jesus feeding the crowd of 5,000+ and the crowd of 4,000+ (Matthew 14, 15).

In these passages of Scripture, Jesus takes a few loaves of bread and a few fish and somehow makes it MORE than enough for the people present...even leftovers. Impossible?

Years ago I attended Bible school in Canada. For nine-months I lived on an island with my fiance (and 120 other students from around the world) studying ~85% of the Bible. We participated in daily chores, housekeeping duties, grounds maintenance and once per month outreach activities. During my time there, I participated in a outreach at a local mission. We conducted music for Sunday service, helped in the food bank and on occasion served warm food to our sitting patrons. It was an incredibly humbling and enjoyable act of service. 

On one particular night, a local church was providing the hot Friday night meal--- Chinese food. Boy, it smelled delicious! The weather outside was less than ideal. Dumping rain and frigid temperatures brought in more diners than the normal 100. I forget the number now, but I think the number of people who came for a hot meal was over double than what was expected. The big question: how were we going to serve ALL of these people?

As servers, with hot food dished on paper-plates in hand, we ran back and forth from the kitchen to the seated guests. We had to inform the diners that only one plate of food could be brought out/served per customer (which was not the normal custom). There were many disappointing faces yet they understood. About half way through the night, my fiance and I went once again to check on the food supply. More and more individuals were filing in, needing a free hot meal. 

To our astonishment, the silver trays of Chinese food never when past half empty! We began to serve seconds and thirds. More and more people continued to seek refuge from the cold...AND THERE WAS ENOUGH!  Before our eyes, we witnessed a miracle! No one was "sneak cooking" or adding to the already prepared food...there literally was no more food to give. Yet God, SOMEHOW, made it enough!

To this day, I have NO IDEA how this even happened in practical terms. It literally happened before my eyes and I am still stunned. At the end of the night, there was more than enough food for ALL of the volunteers AND some food leftover as well. Amazing. 

This story reminds me that God will always provide! He does this in unexpected and surprising ways and in the end, all He asks is that we give Him glory for the work He has done.

What miracle(s) is God working on in your life right now? How might you be able to bless others because of the ways God has provided for you?

Amazing, isn't it?

Growing in Faith: That is just too far....

That is just too far.....

I hear this from my kids all of the time when we are biking or hiking (especially on a new, unfamiliar trail). "It is too far." "Where is the end?" "Is it time to stop?" "I'm tired (even though we just started)."

Although is it not quite the same, in Matthew 5:38-42, Jesus calls us to walk the extra mile, go beyond what is requested, asked or demanded of us (whether it seems unfair or not). ...to go beyond what is expected or necessary. 

I am overwhelmed at this thought. "What, God? You want me to DO MORE?" In a season where I already feel burdened, I couldn't imagine stretching myself any more than I already am...but:

I do not believe this is what Jesus is asking of us. 

In context, Roman soldiers could demand any Jewish citizen to carry a load such as food or military equipment, for one Roman mile, as they traveled city to city. It was often forced on that unknowing citizen. It was hard, exhausting and at times excruciating. Why, then, would Jesus state, "And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two."

After prayer and reflection, here is what I came up with:

• As believers, we are called to highlight God. (When I worked in the corporate world, we called it "surprise and delight the customer"). Since going the second mile was uncommon, it would call the Roman solider to inquire as to why the citizen would voluntarily offer such a painful task.
• Going the extra mile displays generosity and expresses a deep unconditional compassion.
  
• Jesus calls us to take care of those around us. By taking their burden, even for just two "short" Roman miles, we are giving space for God to work in their lives in a different manner.
• We are to respect authority (even if we do not agree) and at the same time challenge authority, in a productive and meaningful way.
• Going the extra mile allows us to build (unexpected) relationships though shared experiences and otherwise uncommon connections.

If I had more time (and I wish I did), I am sure I could ponder this thought more. But work and children are beckoning....so, I will leave you with this:

How is Jesus calling you to "go the extra mile," remembering that it is not *doing more* or *adding more* to you list, but rather taking the opportunities presented to you daily as a means to glorify the Lord?

I challenge you to read this short passage for yourself in Scripture, asking God how you might apply this practice of going the extra mile. Is is easy? NO. Is it worth it.....ALWAYS.

 

Maranatha.

~B~

Growing in Faith: Flavorless

After a sales interaction, have you ever walked away with a bad taste in your mouth, so to speak? Something about the interaction just didn't "sit right" with you. You leave feeling perplexed, maybe even slightly frustrated, unsettled, unsatisfied or angry despite purchasing the object you intended to purchase. 

Sometimes as believers, we "taste" like this...we lose our flavor, lose our focus, and as a result can turn people FROM the Gospel instead of towards it. We grumble and complain, critique or argue. We act grumpy, lash out in anger or make events in our life seem so daunting...all. of. the. time. We forget the blessing of our relationship with Jesus. We turn from gratitude.

In Matthew 5:13, Jesus describes us as "salt." Salt had a very important function in Jesus' day: food preservation/prevention of decay and brought out the flavor within food (among other purposes).

The Bible says:

Colossians 4:6 - Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.

Mark 9:50 - Salt is good, but if the salt has lost its saltiness, how will you make it salty again? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with one another.”

As believers, we are called to help prevent decay and immorality in our world, our spheres of influence. We are to bring an important "flavor" or a way of living that promotes life. Our lives are to point TO Jesus by how we respond and engage with our community.

I ask, have you lost your "flavor?" Are you striving towards peace and graciousness within your relationships: marriage, family, friends, neighbors? 

As we continue our transformation into Christ's likeness, let us strive towards "salty speech." Let our lives be reflections of God's graciousness towards us and extend that grace to others. Let our lives be a place where others find rest, where others can come for healing from the decay of this world...a respite. Practice "eating" the Fruit of the Spirit (Love; Joy; Peace; Patience; Kindness; Goodness; Faithfulness; Gentleness; Self-control). Practice being "pouring out" like salt.

You and your world will be better for it.

Enjoy your Tuesday.

~B~

Growing a boy: When things are good

Hello All (whom ever you are!). I want to thank you for joining me on this journey of musing. I have learned that this blog has created a space for me to process (and grieve at times) as well as remind me of how connected I am (our family is) to those surrounding us. Recently, I was reading blog posts from a year ago. Through this activity, I realized that this space is so necessary for my personal journey. It has brought emotional healing, revelation, tools (sent by you, the readers) and more than anything, it has pointed me back to the Creator.

So in this season, when things are tough but good, I wanted to THANK YOU for always being part of this Oliver Adventure. Oliver has taught us so much about our need to rely on God. He is amazing for showing us that. It has also taught us the love we have for you all. It has taught us to SAY, aloud, what we are thankful for on a daily basis (and on most days, writing it down as a reminder and memorial stone).

Since my last post, we are learning a lot about how to best serve Oliver and his sensory needs. Sensory bins (scoop and dump, scoop and dump, as OSH says), is one of the best "calm down" activities we have discovered. He is learning to self-regulate with the ear muffs and most of the time not even wearing them. I think he finds security in knowing they are there if he needs them. We have purchase "teething" necklaces for car rides and while at the grocery store (this past month at the grocery store checkout he has chewed through a bag of beans, carrots and the silicone lining of a whisk!). Any recommendations for the "best" teething necklaces?! Please let me know. Oliver is thriving with his PT (now a weekly occurrence) and at his surgical follow-up the doctor IS NOT recommending orthotics (which was a surprise to us)! We are on the wait list of OT but are not as concerned about that (yet) since his PT has helped him improve so much. The tape on his glasses (when he wears them) is improving his eyes turning inward.

Now that OSH is 2.5 years, we had his neonatal followup as well. He scored "normal" on every thing. Fine and gross motor, he scored pretty low (but still in the normal range). Not a surprise to us, he scored normal-high for comprehension and verbal. (He literally talks ALL THE TIME...to the point I almost can't drive with him in the back because he jabbers on so much). :)  A blessing, right?

Overall, we are living life! My thoughts and heart have settled since a few weeks ago and we are learning practical tools on how to help him thrive in his daily life. If you would like to pray for him specifically, here is how:

• Healing (he is currently sick & I always worry about his lung -- or lack thereof)
• Gentleness (he has taken to pushing and shoving his older sibling [and even us] out of an aggressive heart)
• Volume (he often screams/shouts/speaks at a yelling tone. As you can imagine, it is difficult to parent, or drive, when this happens and always can get us all riled up)

• Wearing his glasses (recently, he has decided that he just does not want to wear them and as a result, his eyes are turning in)

Bless you all for joining us in celebration & prayer! I hope you have a wonderful week in HIM.

Maranatha 

Growing a boy: Today was an "opportunity"

....yes, an opportunity. I am striving to refrain from calling it a setback or hindrance or a difficulty. I am in the process of re-framing my mind to seek joy and gratitude above all else.

The opportunities today were:

• Trust God
• Be vulnerable (crying in about three or four different conversations...I mean the  not pretty, ugly cry)
• Remind myself of my true identity in Christ
• To believe in my kid(s)...NO MATTER WHAT their actions may display
• PRAY (like crazy)
• Seek support

I am sure there were many more opportunities in my day as I cared for Oliver and the other two. It was an "opportunity" type of day. Not many days lead me to tears but today, I finally broke. At school drop off when a staff member asked how I was....I just started to cry. When I picked up our oldest and Oliver was "being Oliver" I just about lost my mind...no really. I fought back tears the whole way home (about a 25 min drive!). It was a tough day. The emotional build up from Monday and this icky sickness that is clouding my mind, making it foggy, just put me over the edge.  I know there will be hard days. I know there will be huge successes. And above all, I know that God is in them all. He has put me here to bring Him glory. He has made me Oliver's mom to refine me and draw me closer to Him. He has allowed these circumstances so that I can encourage others who share similar stories. This is all good...but today, I faced many opportunities. :)

OSH was so cute today. I gave him a purple rice "heat" pack, thing (weighted). He carried it around all morning calling it his "dinosaur." It was pretty adorable. Someone had sent the rice pack to Oliver's NICU room in Seattle as a gift for me, to help with the healing of my c-section. It is amazing that Oliver is now in possession of this precious and useful gift. A perfect picture of God's foresight. He wore is glasses all morning (with the tape on the inside of each lens) without taking them off! Huge success! He did pretty good at walking up and down the stairs today alternating feet (working in his bilateral coordination and strength). Reflecting on these things, it was a good day.

Why is it that it is so easy to focus so much on the bad or the hard? Dwelling on what could have or should have been? Or on the things that we simply just cannot handle?! But God is so good as He shows us His tender love as we process through these big and small events, reminding us that our identity is not in our circumstances. It is not in what has happened to me (or those around us). We should solely fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith. In that, our circumstances look different. In light of spending eternity with God, these "opportunity-type days" are just that....an opportunity to put into practice all that God is calling us (me) to be, all He is and has taught us....We are His beloved. Loved by our Creator despite what is/has happened. It is an opportunity to extend to ourselves the Grace the Jesus extends to us....to accept it, believe it.

So yes, today was an "opportunity-type-day," but in today, I saw/felt so much love extended to me as I poured out my heart to others, sought prayer and was reminded of my real idenity in Christ. What a blessing to have a compassionate community who loves Jesus and each other.

Praise be to God!

Growing a boy: Embracing & Processing my "sensory kid"

Oliver had a PT and an eye appointment today. He walked around most of the day with his ear muffs on and the eye doctor put tape on the lens of his glasses to help his eyes from turning in (a vision therapy tactic). I have not even asked Tyler how the PT appointment went this morning (maybe out of fear or simply being more overwhelmed than I already am).

I take pause. Sit with my Bible and allow God to wash over me. He reminded me of all the precious words He spoke to me on Oliver's birthday and within the first month of Oliver's life.

• "I giveth and I taketh away. You have to be okay with that."
• Only I (God) am control of life or death.
• Why not you? Why should you be exempt from suffering in this world?

These phrases sit close to my heart today. They take me back to the minutes, hours and days after Oliver's birth. They remind me of God's faithfulness, His peace, during those times. He KNOWS Oliver! He was good enough to show us, just a mere two days ago, another aspect of this amazing human HE has made...He made Oliver JUST for OUR family. This means that God also made me to be Oliver's mom. What an honor and privilege.

My mind wants to take over and dive deep into learning about sensory processing, sensory toys and other tools/techniques. (Not bad things). But today I am reminded that God....GOD....God is enough. Nothing more or nothing less. It is an example (I think) of what is recorded in the book of Matthew, "blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." (5:4). I need the Lord's comfort today as I process this news of Oliver being a "sensory kid" or "on the scale". (why are these labels so icky to me? What do/can I say instead?!). The "new and shiny" excitement of learning this news has quickly worn off. In some ways I feel devastated yet in others I still hold onto hope (JESUS) for this sweet miracle toddler who was given less than 1% chance of survival at birth. You can't see it, but tears well my eyes as I type. I need the Lord's comfort.

I am forever grateful for April 2, April 5, April 13, April 30. These dates are HUGE milestones in OSH's life (birth, surgery, breathing tube removal and his first homecoming). In May, I wrote a blog "Growing a boy: I'm not celebrating" which ended the first chapter of my processing of Oliver's birth and the first two years of his life. We are now moving into Chapter 2 (or maybe it should be section two). Anyhow, I am SO thankful to have processed much of the first two years of Oliver's life, then had a moment's pause-- a wonderful and pleasurable summer of very few therapy appointments and savoring our new backyard. Now, it seems, we are jumping back into another season of challenge that pushes me/us to rest and trust in the Lord. I pray I can keep this in perspective, process quickly (yet appropriately) and not hinder our other two, older children. I pray I will not become obsessed with this discovery of Oliver's sensory challenges or talk about it/focus on it too much. I pray that I can give GLORY where GLORY is due--that I can share God's faithfulness in the midst of this struggle. I pray that God will remain the forefront of my mind and heart---with every up and coming decision we have to make. I am thankful once again for an incredible medical team who listens to us, takes our obervations seriously and does not judge. I continue to thank the Lord above for each of you who join us in the journey as you pray for us and reach out to us. (With tears **again** in my eyes, I type--- GOD IS SO GOOD! Despite anything and everything my salvation and hope rest in Him! I pray the same for you in your life's struggle. Trust that God is FOR you and if God is for you....who can be against you (Romans 8:31).

Maranath.

Getting healthy: Stop Comparing

I did it!! I stepped onto the scale. To be honest, I was a little nervous at first, not knowing what to expect but I figured that I need a baseline, right?! (And we allllll know that the scales at the doctor's office always add least 7-10 pounds, right? So my weight from last week's visit didn't "really" count).

I am not as far off as I thought I was but the hard facts, the number...well, they never lie.

Three days strong now...on my path to becoming healthy. I had many food successes yesterday and had a lot of inner-battles surrounding the snack drawer but overall, I am very pleased. I also had only two cups of coffee, one of which was DECAF! Yes, you read that right...can you believe it? Movement successes abounded yesterday & today too...I chased my kids, danced more when I played music. jogged on the treadmill this morning and found my fitbit (which is still not charged...on my list to do today). Spiritually: still trying to figure this one out. Maybe I should start by finding 10-15 minutes per day to just pray, maybe read? This goal seems doable.


HONEST CONFESSION:

I want to preface that this blog is (hopefully) not (seen as) a platform of my complaints, but rather encouragement for you and me for the sake of growth & for my personal accountablity (which, by the way is working!).

The start of this journey (months back) was rough. I saw other moms with two, three kids or more, looking fabulous. I was jealous. I did not have the time (what I am finding now it was really lack of motivation), to get my "smokin'-hot-momma body" back--(which by the way, at no point in my life have I actually, truthfully saw myself this way). I was comparing.

This journey is not about comparison.

It is rejoicing in the successes of others (and for myself, rejoicing in the small victories like drinking water with every meal yesterday) and realizing that we ALL have some type or insecurity/struggle--be it our physical health, our marriages, finances, balancing our work, traumatic birth experiences, loss of loved ones, complicated child/adulthoods or the pesky hair that grows on our chins (did I really just type that!?!). There is always something we want to strive towards changing yet we often forget to CELEBRATE the good stuff that is happening. So let us stop comparing. Lets start celebrating! (OH---sounds like a great party theme!).

Months back, I found find myself thinking that I was not good enough, strong enough or that somehow others have it figured out way better than I did (motherhood, working out, meal prep, ect.). But these thoughts are all false. I caution you: do not fall into this spirit of comparison...it will only hurt you deeply and take your eyes off all of the glorious things you are, you have and you do.

When I take a step back from my, "I am so alone, no one likes me and understands what I have gone through" mindset, I realize that who ever is reading this right now is dealing with something---maybe to the same degree, maybe more, maybe less, maybe something entirely different...regardless, we are all doing the best that we can do.

It is NOT about comparison. It is about encouragement!

A few weeks ago a friend suggested that we join a gym together. The first thought was, "Oh, no, she will now really see just how out of shape I am." This mindset has been with me since junior high or maybe even before: never show weakness, push through, fake it until you make it. I am glad I realized this about myself. It is okay to be weak (I said it!) in some areas...this is an opportunity to grow, improve and ENJOY the process. And enjoying it I have (at least on day three). :)

I hope this blog empowers you to enjoy where you are and moves you towards where you want to be. Until the next post!

Growing a boy: My son was so close to death today

Today at 9am, marks two years since the life saving lung-removal operation for our son. It is an emotionally charged day. I woke up this morning anticipating that this day may be hard and recalled, "my son was so close to death today. Today, he was as good as gone." Whether that was the truth or not (since I am clearly not a medical professional but rather a heart-torn mom), those were the thoughts that crossed my mind two-years ago and remain with me. Today in church, they played the song that I heard on the radio the day I was driving down to bring our son home...tears. They played a song about the air in our lungs--which God clearly GAVE Oliver...tears. Tears being reminded of the painful moments leading up to surgery day. Tears of joy when we heard our son made it through surgery and was doing well.

On the outside, I may appear well but inside my heart is breaking and mourning. I remember almost every detail of surgery day so clearly--how I felt, the weather outside, what I wore, the "trolley" "comfort cart" that came to visit us in the waiting room during the surgery. These powerful, humbling, sad moments are still present. I remember watching the clock wondering when we would hear anything about our son's surgery progress. I remember searching for the same word over and over again in my "word search" unable to focus. Moving forward to present...

How do I reconcile this day that happened two years ago with our son's now amazing progress? Today he is happy, mostly healthy (besides the colds that rattle his chest) and meeting many of his adjusted-age milestones (besides fine motor skills).

I DO NOT want this season of his life--his amazing birth, life-saving surgery to define him, to become who he is BUT....but, it will forever be part of my journey. How do I process these events, these milestones without projecting them on him? The day I was admitted to the hospital in the end of March; the day we learned he had hydrops; the moment we were told he had 50% chance of survival; the day he was born and the horrific unknowns that were laid before us. How do I deal with days/milestones like today--surgery day-- and his upcoming "breathing day" when his breathing tube was removed and he cried for the first time? These moments are part of my journey (and his too) but I just don't know how to handle them...where to put those emotions. How do I "celebrate" them without these moments becoming our son's identity?

Over time I am sure it will get better. I certainly try not to dwell on this past history but somehow my body remembers and my mind quickly catches up. My body reacts to things like my daughter's dress I was trying to donate, which is clearly too small, but I just couldn't bring myself to donate...why? It was the dress she wore when she visited her brother for the first time two-years ago. So, the dress remains hanging in her closet. Weird and strange things like this pop-up unexpectedly. I guess it is part of the process. This season set aside, we are doing well. Outside this concentrated few months, we hardly think about the details leading up the this day. But in this season, we are brought back to the place were God did a miracle...where God heard us and answered our prayers in astounding ways. I am thankful for this hard season of reflection because how could we NOT praise God for what He did? It was only by His grace and favor that our son lives today. We were ready to accept that our son would be with Jesus but God had another plan. It is a reminder of how close were were to HIM and how HE desires us to be close with Him like that in every day, in every season and in every way. It is convicting; it is good and it is a blessing to have this day--surgery day--to point is all back the the Creator. He truly is in control of life and death and today--two years ago--He choose LIFE for our son. I will forever sing HIM praises for this and share this story of God's great love and great intervention.

Resist & Enjoy: A new kinda hard

Our schedule is back to full-swing, so to speak. All of our obligations have occurred at least once and we are on our way to a "normalized" routine (although every day still looks different).

Last year was one of the hardest of my life, filled with doubts and unknowns about our youngest and the stress of keeping up with work and life while raise two other toddlers.

This year we enter "pumpkin spice" season with a very new toddler at 1.5 years, an almost 3-yr old and a 4-yr old. Busy and overwhelming to say the least. I sit on the floor today almost in tears, feeling as if I can't keep up with these little treasures and work and maintain a household and a life. Not sure what to do, I bury my head in my hands and pray. What we "should" be doing is playing outside, enjoying the last few glimpses of the sunny weather. Guilt over takes me. But why?

I feel inadequate to the mother of these children. Words escape me when they need them the most and my tired body drags through the motions of lunch, dinner, bedtime...you want PB&J for lunch an dinner? Sure! That fits into the "healthy" food category, right? These things seem to matter less and less to me. Guilt again...because I SHOULD care about heathy, well-balanced meals. I try.

The days before us are busy but God is faithful. He is adequate. He has allowed me to mother these children. I cozy into Him for His extra grace, gentle pat on the back and a moments relief from the tantrums and toys being thrown around me. Thank you, Jesus, for my life! It could have been so much different. We could have only had two children, not three. I could be unemployed. We could not have a church or a place to live or..... this list of gratitude runs deep. So, here is to living life FOR Jesus and WITH Jesus, embracing the hard times and rejoicing in them. This season is just a new kind of hard but I am so grateful for it. May He get the glory. Amen.

Resist & Enjoy: What does "important" mean?

It's not yet halfway through September. The schedule is full, I am forgetting things and the rhythm of rush has pushed through my front door (Man! I thought I locked it tight!). So here we are. FALL.

Swimming, ballet, gymnastics. Work, dating my spouse, playing with my kids, friendships, exercise. Bible study, ministry leader, personal quiet time. Planning dinner, planning activities, planning....planning....planning.

But it should. be. different.

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

On a Sunday not long ago, our pastor pointed out that Jesus was never in a rush. Wow! How powerful! What can I do my life differently, like Jesus?

RELATIONSHIP. FOCUS.

In my personal study time today, here is what God revealed to me about His way: 

"How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone. What you ought to say is, “If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.” Otherwise you are boasting about your own pretentious plans, and all such boasting is evil." James 4:14-16

By spending TIME with Jesus, He can renew my mind. When my mind is renewed, I will no longer stress about all of the planning but rather rejoice in TODAY...after all, that is all we are promised, right? Wow does that change things just a wee-bit, huh?

I am also seeing this concept of time in a different way (living in today) when my daughter started her second year of preschool. Driving her to her first day I realized that one-day, not far off, all three of my children will be in "all-day school"......!!!!! Wait?! WHAT? In just a few years? THE DISHES CAN WAIT! I only have 1,095 more days until my three kids are in school?! Three years. It's not much time, regardless on how big the number looks. My 4-year-old proved that. So, priorities. 

What matters?

RELATIONSHIP.

As my handsome husband says, "The important stuff will get done." I think I have misinterpreted the "important" for the tasks of life. Focus. Focus! FOCUS! My relationship with God is of the utmost importance. My spouse and children are of the utmost importance....

Let's pause. Invite God into our heart and mind. Focus. Intention. Fellowship, Friendship. The important stuff will get done. We just need to re-prioritize what "important" means.

Live in joy today (and always). 
Peace.

Sabbath Summer: The Duality

In this day of age many sayings/cultural norms grant women the "right" to be who they want. Be independent! "Do anything you want," they say, "Make your path. Follow your heart."

Yet a life as a Christian (and a woman at that) tells a different story.

Here is what God is showing me (then I will tell you what this means to me):

• I must be dependent on God not be independent as the world calls.
• I am made with a purpose, gifted to be used by God. I can do what God has created me to do/become and within that there is great freedom as I press into the gifts and talents HE has given me.
• Jesus said that HE is the way, the truth and the life. He IS the path so what path would I make for myself that would be any better than the one Christ has already made for me, specifically, and for us as collective believers.
• The OT says that the heart is deceitfully wicked above all things (so why would I want to follow my own heart/desires?) Doing so could lead to death of sorts (physical, emotional, relational, financial, etc.).

These things I have been pondering durning the SS blog series. Since I don't teach at the university during the summer my attention has focused on God and supporting my family while healing from all the events of this past year. I have realized, once again, that I have began to lose a little more of who I am as an individual to become what the world wants me to be (what I think I should be...the epitome of fulfilling the stereotypical roles of a woman, wife, mother, working-professional, friend, neighbor...you get the picture). My focus has been on being the best wife I can be to my husband of eight years and the best mother I can be to my three children. In the mix of that, my focus has been on keeping our household afloat: dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, paying bills, planning for my upcoming year of teaching, our upcoming year of ministry and thinking about/preparing for our fall schedule: preschool, ballet, swim and gymnastics lessons. My mind is like an Internet web browser with a million tabs open. Then I realized, in this process I have forgotten to dream a little, to set personal, achievable goals for myself. But, is it really that important?

The bigger question is who is God and what has HE created me to be and do.

I recently started a new bible study questing to deepen my relationship with God. Without this (my focus on Christ) as my foundation, I can do nothing. For in Him, I live and move and have my being (Acts 17:28).

In this moment I am called to support my husband as we make some very big decisions about his work and other future possibilities on the horizon. I am called to submit to his leadership, as Christ describes in Scripture. I am to be supportive, be in prayer, offer my opinions and impressions and then let God do what God does best...direct our future. Of course, we are playing our part, yet ultimately God will prevail.

I put the needs of my children after the needs of my husband. How is their health? Do they have what they need to function in this world? Are their tummies full, minds thinking and bodies active? The needs of a 4-year old, 2 1/2 year old and 15-month old are vast yet each need is important to address. And even more important than all of those items mentioned above, how is their relationship with Christ? In what ways can I better re-present Christ and invite them into the most important friendship and partnership of all--with Christ! This is the second thing to occupy my mind.

The third is our household: what to cook... that is nine times a day (minus snacks) that these three mouths need food in them. NINE! (3 kids, 3 meals a day) The result is a lot of time in the kitchen: planning, prepping, serving, cleaning. In addition to potty-training and a lot of outside play, laundry during the summer seems to be a daily or bi-daily activity. In this, I can refocus on thanksgiving! So much sweetness comes from the kitchen. I am BLESSED to have such a time as this to serve my children and show them the practical love of Jesus.

Then comes service and friendships outside my nuclear family unit. It is in these sweet moments of connection with extended family, friends or another mother (or in meeting a need someone in the Body has), I am recharged, fulfilled and overjoyed to play a small but significant role in the lives of those Christ has called me to be in fellowship with. Putting feet to my faith.

There are other things that float in and out of my day and at the end of the day mostly "not thinking" after 7pm when hopefully all three kids are down for the night and my husband is working late, I reflect. I think of the sweet moments I had with my husband and with each kid. I survey my almost-clean house and smile as I imagine the leaps, giggles and squeals of a days worth of play. I glance to the dining room and thank God for the conversations around the dining table. I breath. I sigh. I rejoice. I am blessed. I usually then start to fold a load of clothes or put dishes away while a Netflix show runs in the background for noise sake. God, thank you for this complex life. This tension of duality: surrender and serve or selfishly pursue my own ambitions.

I pause...

My life is a JOY! God has blessed me with these three little humans, each one having grown so closely inside my womb and now He has grown them into these precious beautiful little people! The husband I serve works diligently at following the Lord, pouring all he can into our family and household while working at a very difficult and sometimes very emotional job. By His grace, we have a beautiful, cozy home that meets all of our needs and more. I love my profession as a university lecturer and find great satisfaction in teaching hundreds of students a year.

I pray all who reads this will reflect on the goodness of LIFE (Zoe) found only in HIM (the Creator). There are many tough days (and tough moments that create those days) but I am learning what matters is my foundation and my focus. "For in HIM, we live and move and have our being." Acts 17:28.

Be blessed as you partake in His goodness for you, trusting that His ways and path are always the best.

Growing a boy: Balancing Needs

Nothing went right this morning. Our voices were aggressive, our minds reeling, our emotions swirling. It started to sprinkle, the coffee shop we went to as a family was closed for renovations and we ended up taking all 5 of us to Oliver's (somewhat unnecessary) appointment...mind you after he did not get a morning nap AND during lunchtime (in which we failed at packing the kids proper food...thankful I grabbed a few carrots, oranges and cheese sticks on the way out the door!).

It is not emergent, not even "super" urgent but certainly necessary to get answers....our son's hip x-ray. Thankfully, even before we stepped into the doctor's office, the x-ray was already ordered (a referral is required from his primary care doctor) and our visit was quick, not even seeing the doctor. We should be receiving a call tomorrow or Monday from the orthopedic doctor to schedule this required x-ray.

In the meantime, we are making room in our schedule for every Saturday pool physical therapy. Yes, pool therapy and clinic therapy...every week.

******
I sit here while all three kids sleep, eating leftover salad from last nights dinner out of the large metal salad bowl (why dirty another dish, right?). Looking outside-in, this really does not seem like that big of a deal..."Really? You just need an x-ray and PT one to two times a week? What is the big deal?" If it was someone else, I might not see or understand the implication of this...the shuffling of schedules, the developmental delays of our son, the emotions/feelings from the 15-month journey to the stress of not knowing when/if our son will be able to walk or how well he might be able to walk. It is scary. It is stressful. There are many unknowns. How do we balance his needs with the needs of our other two? I feel like we either focus completely on him or completely focus on the needs of the "bigs." Where is the balance?

Like a recent Sabbath Summer post, it requires patience and time. I read the first part of Psalm 18 this afternoon. I was reassured that God indeed hears us when we pray AND he will defend us, protect us, led us, give us what we need and show us His faithfulness. So God, please show up, like you have in the past. May our hearts continue to strive towards you. Be in our marriage, in our relationships with all three of our kids, in both of our jobs, in our friendships. God, we need you and can't do this without you. Amen

Growing a boy: Invitation and Response

I received an invitation today. I pondered it swiftly. Reflected on it briefly and then....I responded. I wish I would have taken a moment of prayer, a sigh inviting Jesus to control my emotions. I did not.

In the moment, I allowed the situation to over take me, to alter my otherwise relaxing moment. I was inconvenienced, stressed. I took on the weight of the conversation as if it were life and death. My mind went to the worst case scenarios, my own failures and how, at some level, it was all "my" fault.

Yet the psalmist writes, "So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory." (Psalm 63:2) And in that place, in the inner most sanctuary of the Lord, there is peace, rest, resolve and hope.

The news, the invitation in which I could choose my response: our son is not progressing in physical therapy and now needs a hip x-ray as well as increased PT appointments...JUST when life seems to be under control, manageable and almost fun with three toddlers. BUT--- does this new diagnosis need to change that? No.

My kids are still the same. Nothing really changed from yesterday to today yet my perspective somehow shifted to this place of burden and negativity...thinking, "just one more thing to squeeze into my day."

Of course, I WANT our son to be healthy. I want to give him the best opportunities available. So, I go to the Lord in prayer:

Psalm 62:1 I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from him.

Change me, Lord. Heal our son. Give me a perspective greater than mine. 

Growing a boy: Fitful Screams

Our sweet, sweet little miracle. He is a fighter, that is for sure! One of the reasons I know he is alive is this fiery spirit God has given him. Most days, I am thankful for this, remembering that the outcome could have been vastly different than the day to day we struggle through now but that does not negate the fact that is is hard and very emotional to have a "spirited" 15-month old.


He gets so worked up and angry when his bottle is finished, throwing it to the floor or across the room. Need a diaper change? Well, if you interrupt his play time you certainly will hear his loud cries from down the street. That toy he stole from his sibling and needs returning? It comes at the cost of a 10-15 minute tantrum in the middle of the living room. In a new place, traveling, and out of routine? Be prepared for fitful screams, kicking feet, constant holding and a bright red-faced boy whose lungs are working very well.

Is it worth it? Yes (I say with hesitance in my voice). It might not be convenient but I know that in the long term it is for the best.

I know that it is nothing I have cause. (As a mother, I first want to blame myself for the way he is....what could I have done differently to help him? Did I do something to cause this behavior?). I find myself emotional, crying at times, most likely out of pure exhaustion more than anything. The screaming gets tiring and the patience gets thin. As a result of his anger, I can be short with my other two children, my friends and even my darling husband. What example/attitude am I leaving for my other children? What do they see and hear? How are they now responding to each other due to my responses towards this anger?


I cannot change him. They are his emotions. He is a little human after all. I can take care of his basic needs with great love but I must surrender. Only God change change him. I must stop making excuses for him, "oh, well, he is just tired." "It is probably teething." "He is just a little off his schedule." It is some times easier to make these excuses than explain my emotions and what is really going on.

I can change my response.

Better yet, I can ask God to change my heart, change him, change the situation.

I must seek wisdom from the Lord, resting in Him, knowing that God wanted ME...yes...ME to be the mother of this little boy. God knew that I would either: 1) be able to "handle" this little boy or 2) this little boy would cause me to press deeper into him. (In my weakness, Christ is made strong). The Bible tells us to do everything with great love, not seeking my own advantage but that of many so that they would be saved through the life of Christ.

So, my new response: accepting the freedom in Christ, trust, hope. I must stop blaming myself for enabling his anger or somehow creating his anger. I must seek God for wisdom and a godly rest (which can only be truly found in Him). In Him, there is renewal.

Growing a boy: "Just" teething

Every. Single. Little. Thing.

It all seems so complex with our little miracle boy. From a twitch to a cough to not eating enough to eating too much...my mind goes to the worst possible scenario and the worst possible diagnosis.

I am an emotional mess. I shouldn't be, right? This is my third child. But every thing IS different.

Over the past week, our sweet almost 15-month old cut an upper tooth, screaming ALL day last Sunday. Over this week he has had a slight fever, excessive grumpiness and a shoulder-to-ear "twitch-thing" which seemed to progress throughout the day yesterday (I did capture it on video). I was unable to get a same-day appointment so I had to wait until today.

My mind and body whirled as I waited for the time to drop off the "bigs" at Gram-Gram's house so I could have an uninterrupted conversation with the doctor about these concerns. In the meantime, I consulted a few friends and the on-call nurse at the peds office to see what I may have been missing. 

Am I overreacting? What can I do better to help my son? Are these symptoms simply nothing? I hoped to find out.

My 1:50pm arrival time came. Just my son and I. We checked in a few minutes early. The normal vitals were taken. So far so good. The "sick-doctor" on-call was one I had never seen before. She knew nothing of our boy's complex arrival (birth) and his even more complex medical history. I showed her the "shoulder-ear twitch" video (as she half watched it while she typed notes) and I talked about my concerns. Her exam was quick, removing some excessive ear wax from his right ear. The exam did not produce any remarkable results only swollen gums...."It's probably just teething. We get at least one case a day related to this. There is nothing to worry about."

I began to cry. (Why am I crying? Because EVERY, Every. Single. Little. Thing. It all seems so complex with our little miracle boy).

Really...nothing to worry about?!? Do you know my son? Do you know that I thought he was close to death on at least 2-3 occasions? Worry? I worry about EVERYTHING with this boy (despite what the Bible says about this). I worry when he sleeps on his face. I worry that he will have to wear leg braces to walk. I worry about the two cavities he has and how I could have done better at keeping his mouth clean regardless of all of those sugary medications he was on for almost a year. I worry about his oxygen levels when his lips turn slightly blue because he is cold. I now worry about this shoulder-ear twitch "thing" that the doctor did not seemed too interested in. Maybe she is right. Maybe it is nothing. Maybe it is just teething. Or maybe it is more than that. Either way, I must put my trust in the Lord and also trust the instincts He has given to me.

For now, I am exhausted, Our littlest is now sleeping and the "bigs" tear up the house. And here I am, typing. I guess I am just not over what happened last year leading up to his birth and the months that followed. It is a process, I guess I just have to keep trusting the Lord for all of the things He spoke to me, His unfailing promises. And time...and patience. I have to trust that time (whether a few hours, or a few days) will reveal if there is truly something wrong or if it is simply "nothing to worry about."

So...just teething and an emotional, exhausted momma....that is the diagnosis.

Summer Sabbath: Patience & Trust

Last week, June, my 14-month old son had a follow-up appointment with the gastrointestinal department. Up until a few months ago it has been a struggle to get him to eat certain foods due to reflux and to teach him to drink from a bottle/sippy cup (he was born prematurely, with little chance of survival at birth).  Due to an overwhelmed schedule we MISSED his scheduled early December appointment. I have NEVER missed any appointment or follow-up.

I received a letter in the mail notifying me of the missed appointment and I was devastated! I was so anxious to have this appointment as well as meet with a dietitian but we some how overlooked it on our busy schedule and could not get rescheduled until last week.

At the time of receiving the letter, I called the office and gladly accepted the June appointment...even more anxious because it was 4-months out and anxious because I was concerned about my son.

Fast forward to the appointment: As I prepared the diaper bag to head out to the medical office, I had a smile on my face. I KNEW that my son no longer needed this service from the gastrointestinal department at the children's hospital. This appointment, which happened to occur during Sabbath Summer, made me realize the lack of patience and trust in my own life towards God and His plans/ways.

Since birth I have been concerned about my son's eating and digestion. I kept detailed charts and logs of medications, formula in-takes, solid foods consumed. Throughout his 14-months of life, doctors told me that our son would eventually grow out of many of these digestive issues and his three medications. Was it that I didn't want to believe them? Was it that I wanted to rush the process? I wanted answers then and there. I wanted our son to be "fixed" NOW! I was (still am) an exhausted, sleep deprived mother of three, stretched thin by my marriage, kids, full-time work, church involvement, friends... (the list goes on). I confess, I wanted it...him...to be fixed so that I could "move on" to other things. (I confess my pride here too!).

Now our son is a growing, healthy boy who is eating anything and everything without any restrictions (except for the size of his finger foods). I know that perspective is always 20/20 but this experience made me realize my lack of trust in God's ability to take care of our son (and us!).

It was a very good revelation that God showed me...that God is good even when we can't see it. He is working things out in His timing and in His way. He requires us to patiently endure in long-suffering and steadfastness in Him...even when we don't know the outcome or the path is not yet made clear. This is the same "skill" required for developing deepened relationships--steadfastness and patiently enduring the good and hard in relationships.

This experience also revealed to me that we cannot force God's hand. Outside His will, we might be able to force a solution, an outcome or control the situation in some way yet the results are unsatisfying, challenging and often times end up creating more stress and anxiety. Some situations just require TIME and PATIENCE. No matter how badly I wanted my son to be "fixed" or how many appointments I forcefully scheduled nothing would change the fact that God required TIME for my son to outgrow the struggles he as enduring which required me to patiently accept where our son was. Instead of wanting him to be at the end of this, to enjoy the PROCESS of reaching the end...pressing deeper into God rejoicing in His favor and embracing the discipline of patience.

Moving forward in this Sabbath Summer, I wish to adopt this discipline of patience: with God, with my husband, with my kids, with my friendships, with communication, with purchasing, with everything. I will attempt to see God moving before I predetermine my will verses God's will and His way.  I will practice patience which will also help me practice trust.

Sabbath Summer: Resisting the Rush

Rest has always been a difficult thing for me to "accomplish." (See, even there I am driven). I desire to keep moving, keep going, plan the next meal, next party, next activity. It seems almost unnatural for me to stop, pause, breath and rest.

Summer Sabbath is teaching me to rest. I need to rest!

Since first establishing "SS" I have taken a different perspective to my world. I have noticed how I strive to clean even while I am playing with my children. I always find something to put away instead of just sitting on the floor to play dolls. When guests come over I fight the urge to clean up the meal while we are still in conversation. Going out, I rush my children to "get to the (car/play-park/store/etc.)" instead of enjoying the process and marveling at what they are discovering--what they are seeing wonder in. (Although I do believe that sometime YOU JUST NEED TO GET TO THE CAR! or put shoes on).

Oh, how much have I missed by my drive and desire to be busy and rushed.

I am thankful God is revealing this heart of mine so that I can surrender and be more present with those I am in the presence of. For me, this is a battle--- a literal battle---that takes mental and physical constraint. It takes capturing every thought unto the Lord and trusting that all of the important things that need to be accomplished WILL get accomplished (perhaps in a different pace). It is teaching me that it is okay to have dishes piled in the sink and unfolded laundry in baskets lining the wall in my living room. Because, after all, my children are only this young once in their lifetime.

SS is teaching me to savor the little but big movements: my first son's stamina to run...even at 2 1/2, my youngest son learning to drink from a sippy cup, my daughter's excitement when she wakes up with a dry pull-up (SO close to no more pull-ups!!). One child praying for the other. When my children clear their own meal dishes. When manners are used without prompting. When toys are shared generously. These are the moments I am savoring in this season of rest.

My eyes have been opened to see the good in my children--not just the areas that need re-directing or discipline. It is wonderful to see and know how precious each one is to God the Father and how I get to enjoy them for just a little time on this earth.

So, in this SS I am practicing rest--resistance to rush. Savoring the little moments. It has been a joy and I am excited to see what else God will reveal---although it might create more work. :)

Learning to See: Is seeing really a luxury?

"Why am I so nervous," I asked myself as I drove to the VT doctor. What I was going to experience was just a normal eye exam… But the results would have many more implications than just an annual visit to my regular eye doctor.

As I anxiously drove to my appointment, almost absentmindedly, I was surprised to see my van (driven by my husband) directly in front of me! I was coming from a grading session at Starbucks (the joys of long hours of grading that finals week gifts me with) and my husband was coming from home with our boys. Our youngest was getting his eye examined first before my appointment.

Meeting up in the parking lot was a blessing...getting to see the smiles on all three of my boys' faces (my husbands included) brought me much comfort and relief. We all made our way into the building, to the elevator and up to the second floor. I was grateful our oldest was still in "pretty" school so that we did not have to manage all three kids.

We were greeted by the same wonderful receptionist I met a few weeks ago. His warmth made us feel at ease as we settled into the waiting room right next to the train table. All four of us sitting on the floor, enjoying the crashes and bangs of the trains competing for space on the little wooden train tracks.  Before long we hauled all of things (and two kids) into the exam room.

I was asked to sit in the dreaded exam chair, holding our youngest for the brief eye exam. Within minutes my husband and I were told that our youngest would most likely need glasses and same with our oldest son. No surprise given my eye history and dominate genes. Soon after this exam, our oldest certainly needed food as it was nearing 11:30 (his lunchtime). My husband left with the boys to get food as well as to pick up our daughter from school.

After they left Then... the real "fun" began.

For many people, getting an eye exam is easy...something not thought about or dreaded over for weeks prior to an appointment. For me, it is torture. It requires concentration. It requires vulnerability. It requires confession that I cannot do or see the things the doctor is asking me to do or see. It requires so much focus that I can leave with tension headaches and tight shoulder muscles from strenuously focusing on the "smallest line you can see" or trying to get my eyes to see double vision (which I can with much concentration and focus and thought).


 So, it began. My current eye glass prescription was measured before beginning the exam, then the real test came. Throughout the exam, I often felt like I was failing.

"Do you see one or two lights?"

"I don't know," I said confused because my eyes (separately) were fighting among themselves for dominance while my mind was trying to convince them to simply do the job they were made to do. 

Early in the exam, tears started streaming. Seriously, who can't tell if there are one or two lights? Sometimes I see two. Sometimes I see one. Sometimes I see two but for a 1/2 second which causes even more confusion. In that moment, my eyes were constantly shifting and fighting against each other. How stressful.

We moved on from that portion of the exam to the torture brought on by the phoropter. My prescription was dialed in and the exam commenced. It started as you would expect a normal exam to begin. "What is the smallest line you can make out." "Can you please read me the letters." "Which one is the most clear, one or two (the turning of various lens strengths through the phoropter)."

I took several deep breaths knowing that "I can do this part." BUT... soon the exam was directed towards seeing things I struggle to see.... "Can you make your eyes see two?" "Are the images on top of each other or side by side?" "Can you make them horizontally align?" "Can you make them align if I do this (switching around the settings on the machine)." I was beginning to get frustrated. The seemingly easy tasks took so much focus that I felt my eye becoming exhausted as if I just had a personal training session at the gym...the first one in 10 years! Imagine that...just from a "simple" eye exam.

As I got through the far away "stuff," the doctor pulled down the chart that dangles just a foot or two (I'm not exactly sure how far away it is) in front of the phoropter. This is the work that is the most difficult. The thick chart had a triangle cut out in the middle. The triangle housed another chart with rows of small letters. At the base (or the tip) of the triangle, a few inches away, was a white plastic screw made for a flathead screwdriver. This screw was much easier for me to focus on than the letters so this is were my eyes first drifted, as my eyes resisted the letters (until I was called upon to focus on them....not by choice). :)

The same exercise as before was requested..."Can you make your eyes see two?" "Are the images on top of each other or side by side?" "Can you make them horizontally align?" "Can you make them align if I do this (switching around the settings on the machine)." This was the most difficult part of the exam for me. Not only were my eyes tired from the other portions of the exam, seeing the chart up close has always caused a lot of visual stress. It seemed like "ages" until this part was done and I was relieved when the doctor pulled the big eye seeing machine away from my face and said we were all done.

He turned from me, typing heavily on his keyboard near the dreaded exam chair. I tried to peak over to see what he was typing but it was all gibberish to me. A short minute later, he swiveled his chair towards me, clasped his hands together, I'm sure trying to formulate the words he was about to give me. I tried hard to focus on every word he was saying. I cannot remember the exact order of the things he said, but here is what I do remember him saying:

"I have been doing this for 50 years. Out of those 50 years, your eyes are the most screwed up I have seen."

"It is not your eyes that are screwed up. It is your brain."

"You have to be prepared that if you go about this, this will be a journey with a CAPITAL J. It is not something to be taken lightly."

"I could see you doing this [VT] for 12-months, easy, maybe even more. Two sessions a week for the first 2-3 months followed by weekly sessions after that."

"There is a possibility of another surgery to correct your vision." 

"We will have to get you seeing double vision on a regular basis first, before we can start working on anything else."

"Your case will be like opening Pandora's box. We just have no idea how you will respond to vision therapy."

"If you would have come 3-4 years earlier I could not have helped you but technology has made it possible!"

The real kicker, after hearing (and trying to process all of this) was the cost:

"It will be about $14,800 for your therapy. Insurance 'may' cover some of it. We always bill insurance. And if for some reason we decided that the therapy is just not working for you, we can refund a portion of that money."

Okay...wow. Talk about having your life flipped upside down within a matter of minutes. I believe that he was speaking in the kindest heart possible and the news was delivered in a friendly and personable manner. I never felt like I was being made fun of. I left the office with mixed emotions...on one side eager to get started and on the other baffled at the seemingly horror that my eyes really are "that bad".... the worst he has ever seen in 50 years. I should have left the office wearing some kind of badge of honor, right..."the worst eye ever over here?" Instead I left the office feeling conflicted and frustrated at the diagnosis. He did prescribe a new power for my glass, which I took directly my my regular eye doctor. I am hoping this will allow me to see better than my current prescription which is still slightly blurry out of my right eye.

I felt overwhelmed (I still do). I don't know what to think about all of this.

Today I received a call from the financial/billing office to discuss scheduling my first VT appointment. Reflecting on the "cost" (or rather sacrifice) that VT would entail, my husband and I are just not exactly sure if the time is right. To be honest, we are both a little hesitant about this. It would not only take a weekly (or twice a week) commitment, it would require time at home to do these exercises. And this does not account for the physical "side-effects" VT may cause as my eyes begin to change.

So, during my chat today with the billing office, apparently the $14,800 cost needs to be paid upfront...UPFRONT. Are you FLIPPIN' KIDDING ME? Yes, let me just reach into my money bag and write you a check. A "perk" of paying with a check...or get this...CASH...upfront is a "5%" discount. HA! Funny. I was given the option of putting the full amount on my CREDIT CARD...okay, I don't know about you but I am not about to MAX OUT my credit card and leave no option in case an emergency happens in my family. That option is out. The third option is like a medical credit card which has no interest for 12-24months (depending on what you are approved for) and monthly payments...roughly $1300/month.

We just do not have that much "wiggle room" in our budget to afford such an expense. Ha. Ha. Ha. It is kinda a joke, right? $14,800 up front and insurance "may" cover some of it. I guess I need to make a call to them?

So here I wrestle.

My vision is what it is. It is what God allowed me to have from infancy. Up to this point in my life, I have done fine. I can do most things I want to do. I am not putting anyone in danger, really, by seeing the way I see. I know my strengths and my weaknesses. I have learned to adapt. Cosmetically, I know it can be hard to look me in the eyes (especially when I am tired) because of my wandering eye.

The other part of me is curious, like a scientist on the verge of conducting a monumental experiment...wondering, if I don't try then I will never know.

Regardless of my curiosity, I think the actual dollar cost has won out and has made the decision for us. If I am not in danger, if I am not endangering anyone else, then this is simply a luxury. A luxury that we cannot afford. So my journey, it seems, has ended almost as abruptly as it began. I am still the same me, yet with a deeper understanding about a part of me that has remained hidden from the public for many years.

So, thank you for joining me in this journey of exploration. Maybe one day, I can continue this portion of my blog, "Learning to See." Until then, I will "SEE" you around...not sure whether it will be with the left eye or the right one, but I will see you.

~B~

Learning to See: My alted view

Around a table with some friends, I vulnerably confessed that I see only in 2-dimensional view. This, of course, brought up a lot of questions (which I was more than happy to answer). Seeing that I was struggling to communicate a few aspects of my vision, my darling husband chimed in.

"Think about a photograph or picture," he said to our friends, "This 'flat' view is what she sees."

Even though I read that description in my recent read, "Fixing My Gaze," it really did not dawn on me that I see things in a 'flat' way. I pondered this for a few days and brought the topic back into conversation around the dinner table with just me, my husband and kids.

After inquiring more about my husband's thoughts, he asked me to look at the pictures on our childrens' placemats. "What do you see?" he asked.

I began to describe to him what I saw, how I knew my son's head was round or that the fence was in the background. I mentioned the shadows on the faces and the obstructions of various items that told me where things were placed.

To my surprise, for the first time, I truly understood how I see this world as flat. My husband began to describe what he saw in the pictures compared to what he saw around him. I was shocked.

Could I really be missing out on this amazing thing called 3-D (or binocular) vision?

The conversation made me realize just how unique God has made me and how He has allowed me to see in such a spectacularly different way. It made me realize that there is something I can gain from this experience called vision therapy. It made me more curious than ever.

So...tomorrow I go in for my initial in-take exam and get "THE NEWS." I thought I would be more nervous than I am. I think talking about it, confessing it, reading that wonderful book about it has made me curious and slightly excited to start this journey. I have no idea what will come of it but I won't know if I don't try! I look forward to posting shortly after my exam tomorrow (well...maybe after all my students' finals are graded). :)

Thanks for joining me!
~B~