I honestly thought life would even out after our dear youngest was born, however, with each passing season, it becomes increasingly more...more of everything. The decisions are countless. The stresses too numerous. The weight seems to never lift. I daily pray for wisdom. It is tearing me apart.
Am I doing enough?
Am I doing too much?
What if I make the wrong decision?
What if.....?
My sleep is interrupted nightly by anxious thoughts. My head reels trying to research more....the need to find the "right" answer, the correct path. I need to do something rather than watch my child flounder.
Yet, I too I am floundering ... in a sea of what-ifs. My sandy ground gives way as I plumet, slowly rolling towards the sea. I have no way to stop. My hands grapple for the nearby branch, yet that too breaks...and with it, patrially my hopes. I stay in the fight (barely most days) carrying the burden well. Even if it looks like I carry it well, my soul is slowly being crushed by its weight. What am I to do? In the solitude of my situation, I see no escape. Yet I want an escape. I know God will always give me a glimmer. Today, my glimmer? I am still trying to find it.
Being a medical mom is isolating. I fear I talk too much about my struggles and push others away yet when I can't/don't, they swallow me. I am stuck in this in between. I want to protect my child, my other two children, my friends, the world from the anxious thoughts I daily hold. It produces nothing but isolation.
With every season, I cling to Jesus. He is the Author of my faith. Without Him, I would be nothing. So, I move forward, in this season today, still seeking and praying for wisdom. In His time and in His way, I know He will provide all that I need. I must simply wait, trust, surrender to the Maker who knows far more than my eyes and heart can see and know. I cling to the cross.
"Don't worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Phil 4:6
No comments:
Post a Comment