Growing in Faith: Widely Complex Emotions {change}

When a season ends, we sit and we reflect. We mourn and we celebrate. We take a deep breath and pause in silence.

What next?

The Band-Aid feels like it is ripped off way too soon, but then you realize that your wounds are healing. They needed air and space so that the skin could be fully renewed.

Seasons in life are like this. What feels like “it is gone too soon” or what feels like “I can’t breathe” when a season changes, we know we are stronger than we were when we first entered the season. Many lessons have been learned. We slowly let our hand off the handrail to realize that we didn’t fall…but in case you were worried, you looked back to see your village standing behind you cheering you on.

You cry. You grieve. Your emotions are widely complex yet you know… 

YOU. ARE. ENOUGH. 

You are seen. You are loved. You, dear friend, have a purpose beyond any purpose you can see for yourself. Just being who you were created to be has left a lasting impression on those around you. You learned to show up—cry with others, pray deeply, listen more closely, and refrain from being the center of every conversation. To be at the table, known by name, is simply enough.

These widely complex emotions are valid. Sit in them. Allow yourself to feel all the feels …then...just then, when you process, cry, and grieve, look up. Know that the Father above looks upon you with deep joy, love, and kindness. You are His. He already knows where the next fork in the road will take you. Trust Him. Trust the road. Have faith that the next season will bring about a great impact on your life. It, too, will change you and heal you in unexpected ways. Lean into it. Change is hard. Change is frustrating and at times anger producing – but don’t sit there. Grieve your loss, come to an acceptance of sorts, and look forward to embrace the beautiful seasons ahead—seasons that have been predestined by the Lord, JUST. FOR. YOU. Yes, just for you.

Those in this season may find their way onto your new path once again, your new road. Welcome them. And at the same time, allow yourself to fully embrace those who walk shoulder to shoulder with you in this new season. Even if the new season is unexpected (or comes far too early), know there is a greater plan. A far greater plan than you may ever know or see. YOU. ARE. SEEN. You are seen so much that, the Creator of all, deeply cares about the widely complex emotions you are feeling. HE. WILL. HEAL. YOU. He will heal you, perhaps not in a physical way, but rather in a deep spiritual way. So let the Band-Aid be removed. Feel all of the feels. Grieve. Accept. Pray. Trust.

GOD. HAS. YOU.

He always has and He always will. Day by day your wounds are healing, your heart is transforming and your new season will change your (body, mind, and spirit) in ways that only the Creator can. Embrace it with deep passion, with deep trust, and great joy. (But it’s okay to take a moment and grieve…allow yourself to sit there for a moment, in silence, washed by the Spirit).

 

Then, move forward in great hope. You have a purpose and a gift the world desperately needs. Share it.

Growing a boy: I had a moment of PTSD

Our family is settling in after Oliver's February diagnoses (2021). What felt hopeless and insurmountable for Oliver has now become our everyday---managing medication, incorporating PT & OT into daily routine, researching/education and shifting how we parent to better accommodate how our sweet youngest processes life. It has been an adjustment but an honor to see this little man's life unfold and to rely on God to give us wisdom and direction in the middle of this pandemic. 

Looking back on Oliver's last 4 and a half years of life, it is a privilege to stand where I do. To watch him thrive in preschool--almost mastering skills I thought he would never learn. Peering at his sweet sleeping face, holding his creations from school and reflecting back on his amazing use of language and words. I am in awe.

Despite the growth I have seen, I had a flashback moment today while driving to pick up Oliver's siblings from school. Exhausted from preschool, Oliver quickly fell asleep within 5 minutes of being buckled into his car seat. As we drove the 25-minute drive to his sibling's school, down the leaf covered street, Oliver began to sporadically cough in his sleep--more of a gag. His eyes closed---sleeping, still, not moving.

Instantly, my mind went to worst case scenario. I was reminded of when he stopped breathing after we finally brought him home. I was reminded of the time when Tyler rapidly drove Oliver to the ER, rubbing Oliver's sternum almost the whole way. My mind recalled the pain of trying to feed him while dealing with his reflux coughing fits.

In the pouring rain on a gloomy fall day, with snowing leaves, I had a moment of PTSD.

Every few seconds I looked back---my mind conjured up a thousand questions (& panicked scenarios) while trying to keep in my minivan in the yellow lines on the wet roads:

• Is he breathing? Does he have color? Is his chest rising and falling? Is he moving---at all? Do I need to call 911? Should I wake him up or let him sleep? 

What felt like an hour (seriously) was really only two stop lights. By that time, Oliver cleared his throat, moved his hands and adjusted his head -- almost as if to say, "Nothing to see here. I am fine, just choking a bit on my saliva while I sleep."

I could have had a heart attack; my heartrate was so high.

**SIGH** Relief.

I pulled the van safely into the school parking lot, reversed into a parking spot and about lost it. Grief. Pain. Hardship. All of those "not so fun" emotions from a "not so easy" season of life--I need to let him sleep. I need to recover from my emotions. A kind act from another mother--who brought my other two children to my van while Oliver slept--was just the moment I needed. A moment of grief, a moment of acknowledgement--sitting there for just a moment--before I had to jump back into my role as a "Mother of Three"

I am thankful that mother, unknowingly, gave this moment to me. I am grateful I could recognize but not linger in my grief. In the past, it would have taken a while for me to "snap out of it." The Lord has blessed me with healing, with joy, with peace about all the events we faced as a family upon Oliver's arrival.

I had to laugh a little though--of course ALL of this comes on the eve of his annual surgical follow-up (which includes a chest x-ray, nutritionist, echocardiogram among other tests/procedures). It has been a while since I have had such a blatant reminder of Oliver's tough beginning of life story. 

So, I sit here at my computer--all three children snug in their beds for the night--grateful. Oliver continues to remind me of just how precious this life is. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. What we do--What we say--How we say it-- it ALL matters. I hope you take this as a reminder too...we simply trust the Lord, submit our ways to Him and He will always show us the way. He will always be our Healer. He will always bring us through our hard things--whether on earth or in Eternity with Him.

Glory be to God Almighty.

Growing a boy: Climbing a mountain...daily

First...THANK YOU. Thank you all for your prayers. We can feel them. Thank you for your encouragement. We need them! God knew community was so valuable and we are beyond grateful for the one surrounding us now. YOU are a part of that.

So a little update...

OSH IS EXCITED! Wow! He is so excited about his upcoming appointment at the hospital daddy use to work in--so much so that he has already begun to pack his "-uggage" with stuffies and Little People toys. He decided he wants to bring along some clothes and is also wondering if he can take a picture with the big machine...all by himself. He is excited he gets a date with "just dad" and is even more excited to pick any food he wants after his big appointment. This is truly a blessing! It brings me peace to see him excited to go to the hospital for his upcoming "picture appointment." 

God has heard our prayers (but let us keep praying!).

 

From the last blog to this, I spent much time online learning & re-learning about fine motor function and activities that could help OSH strengthen his grasp, specifically pencil grip for preschoolers. (Fine motor skills...something OSH has struggled with since infancy). I found a FANTASTIC blog written by an anonymous occupational therapist describing many activities such as using smaller broken crayons because they "force" a child to use a tighter grip (too bad I just threw out all of our broken crayons) and "pencil grips." Little did I know....WOW...there are VERY strong opinions about pencil grips. I will spare you the details, but we decided to take a "$10 risk" to purchase a pack of three pencil grips. When they arrived yesterday, I was eager to try them out...and OSH DID GREAT! All this to say...neurological deficits (or not), I feel empowered with some new tools that I can use at home to help OSH grow in his "scholastic" and "artistic" and everyday abilities. 

In life, we often take the simple things for granted like holding a pen, holding a toothbrush, scooping yogurt onto a spoon, opening a door handle or pulling up our pants. To my son, these are mountains he has to climb multiple times every. single. day. And I am SO proud of him for doing it! Without realizing, he is persevering through difficult tasks moment by moment with a smile and good attitude (most of the time). He is too young to feel "sorry" for himself and has yet to make up excuses as to why he can't do something. I PRAY he never does. I pray that every day, he keeps climbing up his mountains, conquering them one after the next. I BELIEVE IN HIM! He is my inspiration.

Growing in Faith: You are NOT alone

I missed the mark in my grief after the events of Oliver unfolded almost four years ago. I remained in a self-focused, overwhelmed, negative mindset for months (and longer). I did the best that I could yet reflecting back, I know that God used Oliver to teach me SO MUCH about grief, community, friendships, serving and gratitude. I often fight the "If only".....  If only I could go back and do things differently. If only I could follow Jesus' example in Matthew 14.  It is no good playing the "what if" or "if only" game. BUT-- moving forward I have a choice. Let us learn from Jesus.....

In Matthew 14, Jesus learns His cousin, John the Baptist, was unfairly beheaded. A powerful man of God who prepared the way for Jesus. A man who baptized many and preached the Good News. A man who was a witness to Christ and His miracles....gone because of a selfish king. 

In His grief, Jesus "withdrew from there by boat to a remote place to be alone."  (v. 13). I am sure He cried, mourned and reflected on the life His cousin led. YET- in His grief, a crowd followed Him to that remote place. Selfish, ignorant or not (whatever their motives), the crowds interrupted this private, personal moment Jesus was striving for. Jesus must have wanted to be alone pretty bad (or else why would He have taken a boat across the water)?  

Yet, "when He went ashore, he saw a large crowd and had compassion on them, and healed their sick" (v. 14). Jesus then goes on to feed 5,000 (besides women and children).

In His grief, He served. In His pain, He gave back to others. In His private moment, He recognized the need of others.

I know that I wrote about this in a recent blog, but this lesson never gets old! I think WE need to serve each other! In a hurting church, hurting world, broken communities, fractured corporate infrastructure, difficult decisions having to be made ...how can we give of ourselves to those around us? Are we seeking out the needs of others and serving them with the gifts God has given us? In our pain, are we still choosing to serve?

A challenge for me: move past my challenges, difficulties and overwhelmed heart to serve those around me-- a text message, organizing a virtual tea with a neighbor, a handwritten letter, small gift dropped off on a doorstep, virtual book reading with my niece and nephew.  

 SERVE! There are many physical limitations in our world right now...yet God can work past them. God can WILL inspire you. God WILL bring to mind a creative idea. God WILL respond to you! Are you willing to ask Him? Are you willing to serve Him by serving others? Are you willing to be part of the solution to our hurting world? 

Brothers and Sisters--- Let us be BOLD. Let us be BRAVE to try new things to bring our world together. Just follow the example of Jesus.....

I am praying for you! (If you would like specific prayer, leave a comment or message me!!) 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Growing in Faith: Serving in Hardship

When something hard or unexpected happens, I have learned to control my reactions through the help of the Holy Spirit. My former-self would talk and talk about what had happened. I would post and re-post my experience. At times, I would even exaggerate what had actually happened. Then, I asked myself, "why?!?"

Did I want empathy? Did I want to be known or seen? Did I want others to feel sorry for me or comfort me by bringing me a meal or sending a card? 

I never fully understood why I sought this "attention seeking" reaction. I am relieved that Scripture gives us a different way to react to our hard situations: SERVE!

Yes, when we are faced with hard or unexpected circumstances, we are called to serve! We see a wonderful example in Matthew 7:14-17.

Peter's mother-in-law is sick with a fever. 

"So he [Jesus] touched her hand, and the fever left her. THEN she got up and began to SERVE him."  (emphasis added) Matt. 7:15

Now, that is not the reaction I would have expected. Why didn't she stop to chat with Jesus? Or ask questions as to HOW He healed her (or WHY He healed her). Instead, she took action (got up) and served. She did not wallow in her former misery. She did not try to understand what had happened or why, rather, she did what she was meant to do.

I found it difficult to move from my former "attention seeking" thinking and attitude, however, as I did my relationships with those around me become so much richer and my attitude towards life and its circumstances stopped feeling too big and so overwhelming. Because... we are created to serve. No matter your capacity, limitations or spiritual giftings....YOU ARE CREATED TO SERVE!

Are you struggling with this same "attention seeking" thinking? If so, give it to God. When you are faced with hardship, seek ways to serve those around you. From experience, it reduces anxiety and heals the soul in ways that wallowing never will.

"A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart." Luke 6:45

 

Growing in Faith: When I worry

I had to confess last night to my husband. I had to put into words what my heart and mind were struggling with. After pondering, I knew I had to vocalize my....worry.

Yesterday was a hard, HARD day for our nation. The act of domestic terrorism is appalling. I am not writing this to start a debate, but rather, as an exercise in looking at humanity. No matter what side you stand on, where is the moral ground?

I worry. And at times, I am afraid. 

COVID, my husband, children, our nation, my home, finances, war, death. 

These are just a *few* worries and anxieties I have...there are others like schooling for my children next year, protecting our new flock of chickens (two of which have already died) all while trying to "hold it together."

In Scripture, I am reminded, "don't worry about tomorrow because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:34)

I sighed a cleansing sigh. I breathe a refreshing breath. 

My Heavenly Father knows what I need. He will sustain me, take care of the details and heal my heartaches. Even when I am tempted to sit in my worry, He pulls me away. He has better for me.

As a result, I need to change my focus...not on all of the areas of my life that are hard or frightening but rather on His kingdom. For it says, "But seek first the kingdom of God." (Matthew 6:33). When I do this, I have confidence, from Scripture, that He will provide for my every need.

Cast your worries upon Him. Confess your worries and anxieties. He will do more than comfort you, He will make a way for you in the wilderness of this life and provide far greater things than you could ever imagine. Rest in Him today, and the next day, and the next day after that. 

YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE.

Growing in Faith: Drop it, okay

 You are right in the middle of work (providing for your family, caring for employees and customers). A man walks up to your desk and says, "Follow me and I will make you fishers of men." (Matt. 4:19)

Would you immediately leave your workspace and go? ...without texting, posting, calling anyone. Just go? It amazes me in this passage (Matt 4: 18-22) that these fishermen, Simon-Peter and brother Andrew (then later James and his brother John) do just that. They don't bother cleaning up. They don't stop to tell their boss, co-workers or family where they were going. They don't stop to tell their neighboring fishermen. They just respond. Why? Christ was just THAT important (Matt. 4:20). 

I wrestle with this a little because part of me feels like they have "left their mess" for others to clean up (such as their nets and fishing gear left littering the shore) (or maybe this is the mother in me who is constantly clean up after my littles) yet on the other hand...what great examples of deep faith and faith in action. They recognized Jesus' game plan:

A command: Follow me

A purpose: Become a disciple

A direction: "fish" for men (bring others into His Kingdom

In this new year and new season, what is Jesus calling you to leave behind? Are you willing to yield and surrender to His greater good upon your behalf? Change is hard! For me, I often weight my options, make a spreadsheet, and seek outside counsel, yet...yet when God calls (and calls clearly and directly), it is sin not to obey. So today, I encourage you to respond to God! Stop wavering back and forth. Stop playing the "what-if" scenario game in your mind. Stop posting on social media for confirmation. What God has for you is GOOD! Do you believe it? If you do, then what are you waiting for? Respond in faith. Follow Him, become His disciple and bring others into the Kingdom because of your obedience to Him. It is hard, but when God calls you, He always--ALWAYS makes a way. Trust and believe. It is always worth it.

Blessings-

~B~

Growing in Faith: January 1

 January One. New. Fresh. Possibilities. Goals. 

I have never been one to fully embrace all that January 1st brings...such as resolutions: losing weight, spending less, etc. But after a very unexpected 2020, my priorities were revealed (rather lack of priorities): my faith, my marriage, my children, my health and friendships. On the outside looking in, I would have perceived that these items were true priorities but in actual practice...they. were. not. There were certainly aspects of each item listed that benefited from my attention yet my heart....my heart was too distracted---distracted by media, comparison, busyness, my stuff (physical possessions) and the like. I am thankful for the events of 2020 because in the unexpected--- change came: growth, awareness, deeper connection and renewal. These are the things I strive towards in 2021.

At the risk of sounding cliche, I am making boundaries and goals to strive towards in 2021 (most of which I have already started acting on long before the glittery ball dropped in NYC). My handwritten vision board was crafted at our homeschool table with faded Crayola felt-tipped markers on a wrinkled piece of odd colored computer paper. My daughter drawing her own goals for 2021 while my husband was at work and our two boys slept. One "bubble" read: read more scripture. (If you want to know the others, feel free to ask!).

And so, I searched. I sought a New Testament Bible reading plan for the year 2021. To no surprise, I found one quickly and easily. I pulled out the cream-colored card-stock and printed the bookmark-sized reading-guides, placing them in my new (IN) CSB Bible. All set...

I was so excited, I actually started yesterday (knowing there would be days I fall behind in striving towards this goal). And today, I learned I have to think of my time differently. I MUST capitalize on those moments my three young children are playing so nicely together and the house is quiet. I MUST develop a better routine and stick with it. I CAN use my noise-cancelling headphones and sit at the kitchen table while the kids run around and play so that I can read God's Word. These concepts are new to me (although I have taught them to my students for years and have {at one time} practiced them). 

A. NEW. SEASON.   

DISCIPLINE. CREATIVITY. PERSEVERANCE.

So, what did I learn today (the whole, main reason I wanted to write this blog post...):

From Matthew 1 & 2: Joseph had to be willing to move, at any time, at the Lord's direction.

Coming out of Christmas, our family listened, read and re-read the "nativity story" in many different forms over the December month. I mean, it IS an incredible story. But what stood out to me this time was Joseph...his connection with God, the Father...his willingness to listen and immediately respond. 

As a man, (and a godly one at that) I am sure he had a deep desire to provide for his wife and new child...set up a home, establish roots, be around family for support. Although, those things were accomplished (eventually), it is amazing to think of all of the relationships and possessions he had to leave behind when they fled Bethlehem for Egypt and then later moved from Egypt to Galilee. What incredible sacrifices he had to make to follow God.

This, to me, represents a "missionary lifestyle." What if God called you or me to move...RIGHT NOW..to pursue the greater plans HE has for us? What could I take with me? What would I have to leave behind? (And how would that make me feel?) How would my children respond emotionally to this swift change? How would we provide for our family? Where would we live? What would come of relationships with family/friends...how would they respond to a decision to move the family for the sake of following the Lord? As of now, what physical possessions or relationships am I unwilling to surrender to the Lord?

All this has lead me to continue to simplify my physical possessions & be *more* ready to respond if/when God calls our family to a new place. Now, don't worry...God hasn't called us...but shouldn't we all live that way...as if He has called us...unattached to the things of this world?

Interesting thoughts on what Joseph may have felt as he led his family based on a few dreams from God, the Father. WOW! 

Where are you putting your faith? What are you clinging too tightly to? 

SURRENDER.

In this new year, surrender to the Lord. Not for the sake of a pat of the back at the end of the year for accomplishing your resolutions but rather for treasure in heaven for abiding in HIM and following as our Savior directs. What a shift of perspective.

Happy New Year, everyone...Happy New Year!

Growing a boy: Today was an "opportunity"

....yes, an opportunity. I am striving to refrain from calling it a setback or hindrance or a difficulty. I am in the process of re-framing my mind to seek joy and gratitude above all else.

The opportunities today were:

• Trust God
• Be vulnerable (crying in about three or four different conversations...I mean the  not pretty, ugly cry)
• Remind myself of my true identity in Christ
• To believe in my kid(s)...NO MATTER WHAT their actions may display
• PRAY (like crazy)
• Seek support

I am sure there were many more opportunities in my day as I cared for Oliver and the other two. It was an "opportunity" type of day. Not many days lead me to tears but today, I finally broke. At school drop off when a staff member asked how I was....I just started to cry. When I picked up our oldest and Oliver was "being Oliver" I just about lost my mind...no really. I fought back tears the whole way home (about a 25 min drive!). It was a tough day. The emotional build up from Monday and this icky sickness that is clouding my mind, making it foggy, just put me over the edge.  I know there will be hard days. I know there will be huge successes. And above all, I know that God is in them all. He has put me here to bring Him glory. He has made me Oliver's mom to refine me and draw me closer to Him. He has allowed these circumstances so that I can encourage others who share similar stories. This is all good...but today, I faced many opportunities. :)

OSH was so cute today. I gave him a purple rice "heat" pack, thing (weighted). He carried it around all morning calling it his "dinosaur." It was pretty adorable. Someone had sent the rice pack to Oliver's NICU room in Seattle as a gift for me, to help with the healing of my c-section. It is amazing that Oliver is now in possession of this precious and useful gift. A perfect picture of God's foresight. He wore is glasses all morning (with the tape on the inside of each lens) without taking them off! Huge success! He did pretty good at walking up and down the stairs today alternating feet (working in his bilateral coordination and strength). Reflecting on these things, it was a good day.

Why is it that it is so easy to focus so much on the bad or the hard? Dwelling on what could have or should have been? Or on the things that we simply just cannot handle?! But God is so good as He shows us His tender love as we process through these big and small events, reminding us that our identity is not in our circumstances. It is not in what has happened to me (or those around us). We should solely fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith. In that, our circumstances look different. In light of spending eternity with God, these "opportunity-type days" are just that....an opportunity to put into practice all that God is calling us (me) to be, all He is and has taught us....We are His beloved. Loved by our Creator despite what is/has happened. It is an opportunity to extend to ourselves the Grace the Jesus extends to us....to accept it, believe it.

So yes, today was an "opportunity-type-day," but in today, I saw/felt so much love extended to me as I poured out my heart to others, sought prayer and was reminded of my real idenity in Christ. What a blessing to have a compassionate community who loves Jesus and each other.

Praise be to God!

Growing a boy: sensory disorder?

 Oliver has never done anything without grand expression...his gestation, birth and following have proved that. Recently, our nearly two and a half year old has been leading us to question ourselves as parents as we pull every tool we used on the other two kids (and then some) out of our parenting toolbox. Daily I feel like a failure because I cannot redirect or calm our very vocal and "wild" child. And trust me, it is not for a lack of trying!

The beginning of the summer our family focused on learning the Fruit of the Spirit (Gal 5). The Lord must have led me to this because in this trying season I frequently play the fruit of the spirit song in my head, begging God to refine me with patience and kindness towards Oliver.

Recently, I have been so embarrassed by his random tantrums, outbursts and mood swings. They occur out of nowhere....at his big sister's kindergarten pick-up line or the grocery store or even just loading up in the car to go somewhere. Everything seems to be a "big deal" and most of the time it feels like a battle. I weigh my options..."is it really 'worth' it to take him out in public to pick up the milk or can we until daddy comes home so I can run out quickly." I hate to say it (but in all honesty) I need LOTS of breaks from Oliver. I use nearly all my patience and emotional reserves on parenting him (and since dealing with my extremely low iron and IV iron infusions in August, this has become even less in my reserve tank!). Upon going out, I have to prepare myself for the possible glares and stares (and even "helpful" parenting advice) that I know will occur WHEN Oliver has such a fit.

Well, today I **THINK** I learned something new about Oliver which may lead us down a different parenting track (and possibility even more PT/OT appointments we already have....ugh!). But I am excited! Read on...

A year ago November, we moved into our home. We finally made time to tackle unpacking, organizing and cleaning the garage. In doing so, my handsome groom found the child-sized noise canceling ear muffs. The three kids clamored at the new "toy" and took turns using them as they played in the driveway. As I looked up from the stove out into the driveway (Tyler was out there with the kids), Oliver was so happy wearing those ear muffs. Not once did I see him throw a big tantrum (well, until we tried to put them away for dinner). For the last few weeks, at random, my groom would allow Oliver to wear these treasured ear muffs as they "worked" side-by-side.

Today, I had an idea. I wanted to experiment. The library was on the agenda today so I decided to allow Oliver to wear them....in the car, in the library, to the bike shop and into the grocery store. WOW! What a HUGE difference!

Upon entering the library, the librarian noticed his ear muffs (and a BIG muss about the happen) and immediately handed me a sensory box full of sensory toys (something I am vaguely familiar with). A weighted snake, textured balls, and a calming water-oil-upside-down-turny-thing captured his attention at once and he calmed down. I was amazed. Literally in an instant of placing the weighted snake on his chest/tummy, he calmed down. A part of me was a little sad at another looming label...."I have a sensory kid" but the greater part of me was overjoyed to see him relax and settle back into the stroller, looking so at ease and comfortable. He visited the bike shop and grocery store with little incidence and we even had a quick visit with a local police officer. I feel like he "lasted" a lot longer on this trip than previous trips we have taken. In all honestly, I was not expected as good of a day as we had (shame on me!).

So, I would say that today was a huge success. I had to work through the awkward stares that I received when others noticed Oliver wearing ear muffs (and all of the labels that go with that) but I felt like a proud mom today...loving my kid, putting his needs first above others' opinions, taking care of him, listening to my instincts and discovering something new about him. I am now reading up on sensory processing disorder and the possible link to his premature birth. In doing so, I also remembered the weighted bean-bag they placed on his legs while in the NICU and how, at two weeks old, that calmed him down. A whole new world has opened up for me today. If any of you have helpful resources or ideas or tricks we can try please pass them along! I want to feel confident in my parenting approach. My desire is to not need breaks from him but to better understand who God has created him to be and to play into that!

Thanks all for reading and joining us in this journey of raising our sweet, precious Ollie.

Getting healthy: Stop Comparing

I did it!! I stepped onto the scale. To be honest, I was a little nervous at first, not knowing what to expect but I figured that I need a baseline, right?! (And we allllll know that the scales at the doctor's office always add least 7-10 pounds, right? So my weight from last week's visit didn't "really" count).

I am not as far off as I thought I was but the hard facts, the number...well, they never lie.

Three days strong now...on my path to becoming healthy. I had many food successes yesterday and had a lot of inner-battles surrounding the snack drawer but overall, I am very pleased. I also had only two cups of coffee, one of which was DECAF! Yes, you read that right...can you believe it? Movement successes abounded yesterday & today too...I chased my kids, danced more when I played music. jogged on the treadmill this morning and found my fitbit (which is still not charged...on my list to do today). Spiritually: still trying to figure this one out. Maybe I should start by finding 10-15 minutes per day to just pray, maybe read? This goal seems doable.


HONEST CONFESSION:

I want to preface that this blog is (hopefully) not (seen as) a platform of my complaints, but rather encouragement for you and me for the sake of growth & for my personal accountablity (which, by the way is working!).

The start of this journey (months back) was rough. I saw other moms with two, three kids or more, looking fabulous. I was jealous. I did not have the time (what I am finding now it was really lack of motivation), to get my "smokin'-hot-momma body" back--(which by the way, at no point in my life have I actually, truthfully saw myself this way). I was comparing.

This journey is not about comparison.

It is rejoicing in the successes of others (and for myself, rejoicing in the small victories like drinking water with every meal yesterday) and realizing that we ALL have some type or insecurity/struggle--be it our physical health, our marriages, finances, balancing our work, traumatic birth experiences, loss of loved ones, complicated child/adulthoods or the pesky hair that grows on our chins (did I really just type that!?!). There is always something we want to strive towards changing yet we often forget to CELEBRATE the good stuff that is happening. So let us stop comparing. Lets start celebrating! (OH---sounds like a great party theme!).

Months back, I found find myself thinking that I was not good enough, strong enough or that somehow others have it figured out way better than I did (motherhood, working out, meal prep, ect.). But these thoughts are all false. I caution you: do not fall into this spirit of comparison...it will only hurt you deeply and take your eyes off all of the glorious things you are, you have and you do.

When I take a step back from my, "I am so alone, no one likes me and understands what I have gone through" mindset, I realize that who ever is reading this right now is dealing with something---maybe to the same degree, maybe more, maybe less, maybe something entirely different...regardless, we are all doing the best that we can do.

It is NOT about comparison. It is about encouragement!

A few weeks ago a friend suggested that we join a gym together. The first thought was, "Oh, no, she will now really see just how out of shape I am." This mindset has been with me since junior high or maybe even before: never show weakness, push through, fake it until you make it. I am glad I realized this about myself. It is okay to be weak (I said it!) in some areas...this is an opportunity to grow, improve and ENJOY the process. And enjoying it I have (at least on day three). :)

I hope this blog empowers you to enjoy where you are and moves you towards where you want to be. Until the next post!

Growing a boy: traumatic event-anniversaries

I am suppose to be working right now (two kids are in preschool and the nanny is watching the other) yet all I can Google is "how to deal with traumatic events" and "traumatic event-anniversaries." Why can't I just get over it already. I am done processing, re-living and re-hashing the details two years ago....but I am compelled.

I prayed that Jesus would just sit with me and let me cry on His shoulder. Maybe that is just what I need? It seems so silly in many ways...our son is fine. I am fine. We are fine. I just don't understand why these emotions are so big and so real and so in my face.

I need to focus. I have a million things to do this week. My mind is full.

April use to be my favorite month...my birthday month. I am privileged to share this birthday-month with my youngest son but now the first few weeks (or more) of the month are spent dealing with the grief of the traumatic events two years ago. I don't even care much about my birthday any more but rather just want it to pass so that we can move into May...the "happy month."

It is a weird season where my head and heart don't agree. It is a season of contradiction and unexpected emotions. It is a season that I feel I burden people with my story---does anyone even care? Are people tired of me bringing it up? Tired of me talking about the same old story over and over? Maybe these are untruths but it is my fear in my grief that cause me to not want to talk about my story. I don't want people to "feel bad" for me but rather join me in the journey. I want people to ask me about it...to ask and listen with genuine care. Yet, again, I don't want to burden those around me with another "sob story" with a happy ending.

I am thankful for a place, like this, to express my raw emotions. To process through. A place to put my thoughts and a place to ask for prayer. I am not even sure if anyone reads what I write but for me, it is important to share this journey. Many others, I am sure, have experienced these same emotions to a degree. You are not alone. Jesus is with you! I am sure there is a community eager to hear your story...so share! Find a way to share. YOUR story is important. Your story is not who you are, your identity) but rather a part of who are are becoming as these events shape your actions. So who ever is reading this, leave encouraged. Leave knowing that none of us are alone. Leave with the love of Jesus resting upon you for HE is the great healer. HE will redeem these "icky" moments and make them glorious in His own way (only if we allow Him).

In peace and trust-
~B~

Growing a boy: HE SURVIVED

With each passing year it is easy to celebrate the fact that as parents we have kept our child alive for another year. But what is so significant about celebrating our youngest is a fact that he has survived… Against all odds… another year.


Not only is he surviving, he is THRIVING! Surpassing milestones and proving every day that God has transformed his life in immeasurable ways since before his inception. 

It is easy in the season to reflect on the hardships leading up to delivery. It is still emotional but as I reflected on a walk this morning… I was reminded of just how big our God is and how he speaks to us so personally. 

Oliver‘s birthday is a memorial stone for me. A day to celebrate and rejoice friendship, community, family and a God who is so big… So unfathomable... that I just can’t help but leap for joy, raise my hands in praise and REJOICE. 

We go into this second year of life helping Oliver threw a little cold… Using the nebulizer and wondering if his lungs are OK. Wondering how his x-ray results will turn out. Questioning the use of his right leg and hand… But he is laughing, just started jumping with both feet and throws a ball more accurately than his mama ever could. He brings so much joy; making us a family of five. Together in God‘s presence. It is a joy and a privilege to continue this epic journey of parenthood to a two-year-old toddler. 

Today, (the scary day before his delivery just two years ago), I mourn but I also rejoice. It is so wonderful to be reminded of our GREAT God. We give HIM praise for the past two years and look expectantly to the future HE has for this crazy, fierce little boy.

Happy Birthday Eve, OSH.

Resist & Enjoy: What does "important" mean?

It's not yet halfway through September. The schedule is full, I am forgetting things and the rhythm of rush has pushed through my front door (Man! I thought I locked it tight!). So here we are. FALL.

Swimming, ballet, gymnastics. Work, dating my spouse, playing with my kids, friendships, exercise. Bible study, ministry leader, personal quiet time. Planning dinner, planning activities, planning....planning....planning.

But it should. be. different.

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

On a Sunday not long ago, our pastor pointed out that Jesus was never in a rush. Wow! How powerful! What can I do my life differently, like Jesus?

RELATIONSHIP. FOCUS.

In my personal study time today, here is what God revealed to me about His way: 

"How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone. What you ought to say is, “If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.” Otherwise you are boasting about your own pretentious plans, and all such boasting is evil." James 4:14-16

By spending TIME with Jesus, He can renew my mind. When my mind is renewed, I will no longer stress about all of the planning but rather rejoice in TODAY...after all, that is all we are promised, right? Wow does that change things just a wee-bit, huh?

I am also seeing this concept of time in a different way (living in today) when my daughter started her second year of preschool. Driving her to her first day I realized that one-day, not far off, all three of my children will be in "all-day school"......!!!!! Wait?! WHAT? In just a few years? THE DISHES CAN WAIT! I only have 1,095 more days until my three kids are in school?! Three years. It's not much time, regardless on how big the number looks. My 4-year-old proved that. So, priorities. 

What matters?

RELATIONSHIP.

As my handsome husband says, "The important stuff will get done." I think I have misinterpreted the "important" for the tasks of life. Focus. Focus! FOCUS! My relationship with God is of the utmost importance. My spouse and children are of the utmost importance....

Let's pause. Invite God into our heart and mind. Focus. Intention. Fellowship, Friendship. The important stuff will get done. We just need to re-prioritize what "important" means.

Live in joy today (and always). 
Peace.

Sabbath Summer: OH NO! My phone is full!

"PRAISE THE LORD! My phone's memory is full!"

When I started this Sabbath Summer journey in May, those certainly were not words you would have heard coming out of my mouth but almost three months later I find it to be a joy that my phone's memory is full. And here is why:

Prior to this journey many people would often comment on how much I would post on social media and my craze for always having to capture the moment on camera. It's true. My husband, who is not on social media, would also frequently comment that everyone knows so much about our lives that it left little room for actually "catching up." I mean, why would you need to catch up if your whole life is on display for everyone to witness and in the front row at that! Convicted by this and the growing evil in the world, the momma bear came out in me. First and foremost I want to protect my children. Next, I wanted to cultivate deep, authentic relationships which would happen face-to-face instead of screen-to-screen.

I started by first deleting the offending phone app (I am sure you can all guess what that is). From there, I stopped posting all together for a period of time and made a pact to myself to only log-on when at an actual computer. It worked! Next, I decided to put my phone down. Instead of being known as the one who instantly returns text messages, I found that I would have 7, 8 or even 9 or more unread messages at the nights end. I saw this as a victory.

With my children, I also began to think about them as young grade schoolers. Did they give me permission to post their lives so publicly for the world to see? Is it an invasion of THEIR privacy in which I have spoken for them by making a decision that it was okay to be so open with so many strangers about THEIR lives? With the increase in child-trafficking, I want to leave little room for someone to go after my three precious littles when so much information is already easily available (and some of it from me!!). How scary!

Not to mention the vast amount pictures and videos I have accumulated. I create family "year" books and even at that there are SO many pictures I max out the page numbers AND picture limit every year. I found that I often remember the picture of an event before I remember the actual event. I would like this to change. This has been a hard one for me and a habit/mind-set that I have had for almost two decades. Yet, with a full phone memory, it helps me stay present and embrace the ordinary making is permanent in my mind rather than a picture.

I recently read an article about a teacher who posed the journal prompt, "I don't like cell phones because...." The results were sad, convicting and eye opening. Her grade school students made comments like, "I wish phones were never invented." "My parents care more about their phones than me." "Phones are more important than I will ever be." WOW! Is this the generation that we are creating? Are these the feelings we are making our children have by being a phone-obsessed generation? I want to choose different for my children. Tonight I asked my daughter this, "Does mommy spend too much or not even time on her phone?" In the same feeling as the children above, she said, "too much mommy." Even with a valiant attempt, I am still on or near my phone too much. I am so glad my 4-year, in her honesty, told me how she felt. It is a reminder of the greater thing in life--relationship. One day my daughter (and my sons for that matter!) will be grown, having her own friends, hopefully in college, and  working. She may be married. She might even move out of the state...so WHAT AM I DOING!?! Wasting theses precious moments in time tied to a "meaningless" device that brings great separation between me and those I love the most. Please, do not mishear me. I think phones are fantastic! I love snapping pictures, calling, connecting through messaging/FaceTime and even the ability to do a quick web-search. Brilliant...but when phones take the place of (or overshadow) important relationships and being present then this inanimate object has GOT to take the backseat.

Obviously, I still have a ways to go in this area (as convicting as my daughter's response was!). Yet today, victory! My phone's memory is full. If you asked those you love the same question, what would their response be?

Sabbath Summer: The Duality

In this day of age many sayings/cultural norms grant women the "right" to be who they want. Be independent! "Do anything you want," they say, "Make your path. Follow your heart."

Yet a life as a Christian (and a woman at that) tells a different story.

Here is what God is showing me (then I will tell you what this means to me):

• I must be dependent on God not be independent as the world calls.
• I am made with a purpose, gifted to be used by God. I can do what God has created me to do/become and within that there is great freedom as I press into the gifts and talents HE has given me.
• Jesus said that HE is the way, the truth and the life. He IS the path so what path would I make for myself that would be any better than the one Christ has already made for me, specifically, and for us as collective believers.
• The OT says that the heart is deceitfully wicked above all things (so why would I want to follow my own heart/desires?) Doing so could lead to death of sorts (physical, emotional, relational, financial, etc.).

These things I have been pondering durning the SS blog series. Since I don't teach at the university during the summer my attention has focused on God and supporting my family while healing from all the events of this past year. I have realized, once again, that I have began to lose a little more of who I am as an individual to become what the world wants me to be (what I think I should be...the epitome of fulfilling the stereotypical roles of a woman, wife, mother, working-professional, friend, neighbor...you get the picture). My focus has been on being the best wife I can be to my husband of eight years and the best mother I can be to my three children. In the mix of that, my focus has been on keeping our household afloat: dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, paying bills, planning for my upcoming year of teaching, our upcoming year of ministry and thinking about/preparing for our fall schedule: preschool, ballet, swim and gymnastics lessons. My mind is like an Internet web browser with a million tabs open. Then I realized, in this process I have forgotten to dream a little, to set personal, achievable goals for myself. But, is it really that important?

The bigger question is who is God and what has HE created me to be and do.

I recently started a new bible study questing to deepen my relationship with God. Without this (my focus on Christ) as my foundation, I can do nothing. For in Him, I live and move and have my being (Acts 17:28).

In this moment I am called to support my husband as we make some very big decisions about his work and other future possibilities on the horizon. I am called to submit to his leadership, as Christ describes in Scripture. I am to be supportive, be in prayer, offer my opinions and impressions and then let God do what God does best...direct our future. Of course, we are playing our part, yet ultimately God will prevail.

I put the needs of my children after the needs of my husband. How is their health? Do they have what they need to function in this world? Are their tummies full, minds thinking and bodies active? The needs of a 4-year old, 2 1/2 year old and 15-month old are vast yet each need is important to address. And even more important than all of those items mentioned above, how is their relationship with Christ? In what ways can I better re-present Christ and invite them into the most important friendship and partnership of all--with Christ! This is the second thing to occupy my mind.

The third is our household: what to cook... that is nine times a day (minus snacks) that these three mouths need food in them. NINE! (3 kids, 3 meals a day) The result is a lot of time in the kitchen: planning, prepping, serving, cleaning. In addition to potty-training and a lot of outside play, laundry during the summer seems to be a daily or bi-daily activity. In this, I can refocus on thanksgiving! So much sweetness comes from the kitchen. I am BLESSED to have such a time as this to serve my children and show them the practical love of Jesus.

Then comes service and friendships outside my nuclear family unit. It is in these sweet moments of connection with extended family, friends or another mother (or in meeting a need someone in the Body has), I am recharged, fulfilled and overjoyed to play a small but significant role in the lives of those Christ has called me to be in fellowship with. Putting feet to my faith.

There are other things that float in and out of my day and at the end of the day mostly "not thinking" after 7pm when hopefully all three kids are down for the night and my husband is working late, I reflect. I think of the sweet moments I had with my husband and with each kid. I survey my almost-clean house and smile as I imagine the leaps, giggles and squeals of a days worth of play. I glance to the dining room and thank God for the conversations around the dining table. I breath. I sigh. I rejoice. I am blessed. I usually then start to fold a load of clothes or put dishes away while a Netflix show runs in the background for noise sake. God, thank you for this complex life. This tension of duality: surrender and serve or selfishly pursue my own ambitions.

I pause...

My life is a JOY! God has blessed me with these three little humans, each one having grown so closely inside my womb and now He has grown them into these precious beautiful little people! The husband I serve works diligently at following the Lord, pouring all he can into our family and household while working at a very difficult and sometimes very emotional job. By His grace, we have a beautiful, cozy home that meets all of our needs and more. I love my profession as a university lecturer and find great satisfaction in teaching hundreds of students a year.

I pray all who reads this will reflect on the goodness of LIFE (Zoe) found only in HIM (the Creator). There are many tough days (and tough moments that create those days) but I am learning what matters is my foundation and my focus. "For in HIM, we live and move and have our being." Acts 17:28.

Be blessed as you partake in His goodness for you, trusting that His ways and path are always the best.

Sabbath Summer: Stuff & Friendships: The Simple and the Conflict

Mostly everyone gets it...the desire to have a simple life, simple home, uncomplicated relationships. To have never-ending peace, tight-deep connections with a few intimate friends. A life that is above all honorable to God.

The efforts of this SS have forced me to explore this idea of simplicity in an even deeper, more meaningful and practical way. At first, it started with purging my overwhelmed schedule. Summer. Summer schedule would be filled with a few things: church on Sundays, Pray and Play group twice a month on Tuesdays and our annual family Bible focused trip to Canada. Everything else was put on hold, surrendered to God, in hopes that He would renew my mind on this quest of a life of Sabbath-- a life of remaining connected to Him, seeking Him for friendships, seeking Him for scheduling meetings and ultimately seeking Him to satisfy me.

I have learned in this process a few things about my friendships and my physical stuff.

First, my physical possessions. I (and we as a family) have too much! If you have journeyed with me over the years, you will know that I have been on this journey of simplicity of my stuff for over three years. At this point, it continues. My closet is slimmed down to about 35 hangers or less and about three medium sized drawers. My shoes can fit easily by the front door (minus my few dress shoes in which I store). I have created capsule-ish wardrobes for my children in which everything pretty much matches so no matter what they pick out it matches. In the process I cut their amount of clothes in half (or more). It has also meant less laundry for me! Less picking up clothes. Less hanging clean clothes up. My hall closest is hardly overflowing now and you can actually see the back panel of our main bookshelf in our living room. Most days, I observe our life and see what toys the kids do not play with, what books they ever go to and the objects I never touch (for example, as I get ready to go out or as I cook in the kitchen). These unused items go up into the attic for an end of the week drop off. It feels good to have less. The less stuff I have, the less I have to manage, wash, organize, or trip over. Simplicity. It will always be a battle and there will always be areas to re-address but it feels great to open up the "junk" drawer and find only what I need without shifting through needless items or to jump in the shower and LOVE every product (just four of them) I use. It brings me a little peace and joy (even when the kids are banging on the door to ask me a question while I quickly scrub my hair). I want this life of peace, created by God, to be present. Eliminating my stuff has truly shown me the abundant life I have in Christ. It has shown me how much waste I create. How much I did not truly appreciate what I had and how much my physical stuff weighed me down emotionally--always on my mind--always thinking about what needed to be cleaned, picked up or organized. It has allowed our children to become more responsible for their things, caring for them, playing with them and then putting them away where they belong. It has given me a deep sense of freedom of not being attached to my things and being more connected to God and the relationships He has given me.

So, this leads into what God has been teaching me about relationships. I desire these close, intimate friendships. Those individuals I can live life with on a weekly, if not daily basis. To have lives and families intertwined. To have real, meaningful conversations about things of the Lord, struggles, victories and prayers. To have someone reach out to me instead of feeling it is most often the reverse. I was deeply pained by these things early this year, longing for such a friends so badly that I began to judge those that God had put into my life. So, at the start of SS I surrendered all relationships to the Lord. Asking Him to heal me, to show me my wrongs, my errors, seeking true healing. Then God...

Then God turned the question back on to me: Am I a good friend?

This has been a painful reflection for me and one that I still am processing. In the area of friendship, God showed me that I was striving too hard to have this ideal of close friends, in ways trying to force friendships that were not mutually beneficial.  God showed me that I placed too high of expectations on my friends, revealing to me that I desired my friends to satisfy me, not God. How wrong of me. As a result, my mind shifted to negativity. Focusing on the "bads" or the "they are nots" of these relationships rather than focusing on all that God had blessed me with within these relationships.

Friends: please forgive me!

God showed me that I didn't listen enough, that I was unwilling to be flexible. In many ways I made things more difficult than they needed to be by "sticking my ground," being almost unmovable and stubborn. Somewhere in the past year, I have stopped serving my friends and expected to be served, not remembering details or take the effort to follow up. Perhaps it was moving from the season of Oliver to moving into the season of healing from the year's events. I am not sure but somewhere along the way my mind and heart shifted. I tried to be friends with too many people. My intentions got the best of me.

I reflect on Jesus and His friendships. He indeed had His 12, yet He sought to serve them. He did not expect them to serve Him. He looked at their interests before His own. He shared His struggles and pains yet He took those pains to God and did not directly put that burden on His 12 (although He did invite them into to those times). He accepted that each of the 12 had their own lives and own worries. He was willing to allow them to live their lives and to listen to them before He shared His worries. He understood that His friends might not always be there for Him, yet God would. There is more I can say about this (and more that God has revealed...and I am not sure if I am even articulating it well) yet here it is: shouldn't I be more like Jesus? Shouldn't His example of friendship reflect my attitude towards friendships?

So 'The Question' of most of these SS findings: now that this has been revealed, what do I do with it?

1. Seek forgiveness through confession
2. Pray: Pray that God will show me those HE desires me to reach out to instead of trying to be all things to all people. Seeking God's motivation for connecting with (or not connecting) with people in my life.
3. Serve: Put others first. Stop focusing on myself, my hard life, our challenges and start serving as the Holy Spirit reveals. Being willing to be inconvenienced in doing so (regardless if it is hard or not).
4. Be Authentic: share my needs but don't dwell on them.
5. Surrender: remembering that my life is not my own, therefore I need to daily surrender in all areas and in this Christ will be my peace, my companion, my satisfaction. He will fill me up.
6. Reflect: continue to seek God in every decision: purchase, appointment, rendezvous.

 So simple in theory, right? I pray God will continue to transform me. I know that He gives me the desires of my heart and in doing so He is faithful in fulfilling those desires. So, Jesus, I leave my heart with you. I leave my desire for these deep friendships with you. I surrender.

Growing a boy: Balancing Needs

Nothing went right this morning. Our voices were aggressive, our minds reeling, our emotions swirling. It started to sprinkle, the coffee shop we went to as a family was closed for renovations and we ended up taking all 5 of us to Oliver's (somewhat unnecessary) appointment...mind you after he did not get a morning nap AND during lunchtime (in which we failed at packing the kids proper food...thankful I grabbed a few carrots, oranges and cheese sticks on the way out the door!).

It is not emergent, not even "super" urgent but certainly necessary to get answers....our son's hip x-ray. Thankfully, even before we stepped into the doctor's office, the x-ray was already ordered (a referral is required from his primary care doctor) and our visit was quick, not even seeing the doctor. We should be receiving a call tomorrow or Monday from the orthopedic doctor to schedule this required x-ray.

In the meantime, we are making room in our schedule for every Saturday pool physical therapy. Yes, pool therapy and clinic therapy...every week.

******
I sit here while all three kids sleep, eating leftover salad from last nights dinner out of the large metal salad bowl (why dirty another dish, right?). Looking outside-in, this really does not seem like that big of a deal..."Really? You just need an x-ray and PT one to two times a week? What is the big deal?" If it was someone else, I might not see or understand the implication of this...the shuffling of schedules, the developmental delays of our son, the emotions/feelings from the 15-month journey to the stress of not knowing when/if our son will be able to walk or how well he might be able to walk. It is scary. It is stressful. There are many unknowns. How do we balance his needs with the needs of our other two? I feel like we either focus completely on him or completely focus on the needs of the "bigs." Where is the balance?

Like a recent Sabbath Summer post, it requires patience and time. I read the first part of Psalm 18 this afternoon. I was reassured that God indeed hears us when we pray AND he will defend us, protect us, led us, give us what we need and show us His faithfulness. So God, please show up, like you have in the past. May our hearts continue to strive towards you. Be in our marriage, in our relationships with all three of our kids, in both of our jobs, in our friendships. God, we need you and can't do this without you. Amen

Growing a boy: The (un)donated dress

With the amazing weather and three growing kids, it was time to purge excessive toys no longer played with and clothes that no longer fit. It is a joy to raise our kids in a community of friends who have children around the same ages as our three. As such, I sent out a group text to a few of my other "mom" friends, inquiring if they were interested in some pretty party-type dresses our almost 4-year daughter has recently outgrown. I love being able to pass along the blessing of clothes as so many have passed clothes along to us.

I snapped a few pictures and off went the text. No big deal.

The day came to deliver the dresses to my friend who lives just down the street. I folded them nicely, wrapped them thoughtfully, like a present, and put them in the car to drive them over.

A few minutes into my short drive, stopped at a red light, I glanced down at the three dresses carefully and lovingly placed in the passenger seat next to me. Without permission, my body got cold my hands clammy and my breathe shortened. The light was now green. I proceed forward in the direction of my destination with a feeling of panic, overwhelming trepidation and unaccounted for discontentment.

What in the world was going on?!

At the next red light, I peered down once again at that floral party dress. In a brief moment, pictures and memories flooded back into my mind...our daughter wore this dress--the exact dress that was in the passenger seat--when are family was joined together for the first time (all 5 of us), on Easter when our preemie son was just 14-days old and still in the NICU at the children's hospital 45-minutes North of our home.

In such a short time the overwhelming events of our son's early birth nearly 14-months ago and near death during the first hour(s) and weeks of his life flooded my memory.

Pulling into my friends driveway, I put the car in park and just sat there, thinking, processing, remembering. Within minutes I had hopped out of our silver car, delivered two of the three party dresses and climbed back into my vehicle. I immediately texted my friend, who had joined my family in prayer and struggle during our son's early days, telling her that I was struggling to get rid of this particular dress. She was nothing but supportive and kind in her response back (THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS, FRIEND!!).

A few deep breathes later, I was reversing out of the long driveway towards Target to pick up a few household necessities. Parking the car, I felt these overpowering emotions again. I stuffed them down so I could complete my short shopping list. Two stores later, I found myself sitting in Payless Shoes in the back of the store about ready to have a tear-fest. Really?! Here? Now?

This experience reminded me that grief comes and goes. Its onset comes from unexpected places (a floral party dress) at very unexpected times (at a red light). It reminds me that, although our 14-month-old son is now very healthy, he almost did not survive on more than one occasion in those early first few days of life. It reminded me to have grace towards myself as I navigate this new season of life--having a healthy (almost toddler) in comparison to the uncertain outcome of his life at birth. It reminded me that it is okay to stop, cry, live in the moment by recognizing it and then move on (although this one is lingering a little more that I expected). It reminded me that when I am weak, HE (Christ) is strong. In my weakness, I can allow God to overtake the hard circumstance and just rest...like a babe in his mother's arms. I feel like I did that today in Payless (of all places), sitting on the stool in the back of the store, closing my eyes, taking deep breathes and inviting God to take over...to help me process...to help me accept (once again) the hardships endured at my son's birth. HE reminded me that His promises are always right and always true. HE reminded me that I am in the clutch of His palm, protected, safe, secure, seen, recognized. HE gave me peace. I am still emotional...not necessarily about the dress...but over the events the dress reminded me of...the very first time our family of five was united.

So, I will keep the dress as a memorial stone. I will remember the joy of having my three kids together for the first time on one of my favorite holidays, Easter. I will remember the first egg hunt our big kids did at their cousin's house before we brought our family together in the hospital. I will remember how of first son was so tired after the Easter events that he was fitfully strapped into the double stroller in his baby brother's NICU room. I will remember putting on silly bunny ears and bunny glasses for our first family picture...all 5 of us. This dress is significant. It reminds me of a time of joy and a time of heartache. It reminds me of God's victory in our suffering.

I have a feeling that I will be dealing with our son's unexpected early birth for the rest of my life in varying degrees. And that is okay. I am thankful to our close friends and family who join us in this journey and those who pray for us. Parenthood is never easy. Grief is never easy. We bond together, one day at a time trusting that each day will provide new insight, healing and deep restoration.

Shalom.

Sabbath Summer: "Buying" My Kids

Sticking close to home has some amazing treasures-- staying in our PJs most of the day, enjoying the new, soft green grass in the backyard, endless laps run around our house and even a few visits to the fire station down the street and the play park at the school next door.

But in an attempt to make our home "more appealing" to the kids (as if the overflowing toy bin and the litter of outdoor toys isn't enough), I have found myself trying to make everything "special" which usually means adding in more sweet treats than usual, bending the rules, or purchasing "fun little" gifts to bring my kids "endless" joy. I realized that I have been trying to "buy" my kids instead of enjoying my kids...like having relationship isn't sweet enough on its own. This is a costly danger in more than one way!

Maybe this is where I have gone wrong in so many of my personal friendships too...expecting great "things" instead of the more simple, more authentic and more beautiful "things"-- conversation and connection.

There is a difference between the occasional surprise or the occasional "I will bend the rules about TV Friday and let you watch a show" kind of allowance but when it becomes a lifestyle, a go-to, it looses its "special-ness" and it truly takes away from the bond between a mother and child, father and child or a friend and friend. There becomes this expectation that, if unmet, leads to dissatisfaction. In truth, God is the only one who can truly satisfy us. No amount of worldly things (or sweet treats) can ever fill the void of longing/acceptance we have except for God. 

Am I trying to be "god" to my child by trying to satisfy them in a way that only God can? Am I just pacifying them with treats as a means to just survive the day (trust me, some days this is TOTALLY worth it and okay)? Am I trying to earn their favor by being the "good-guy" through bent rules or exceptions? Whatever the reason, I know that money (or sweet surprises) will never be the solution. I also know that giving gifts as a means of love is a very slippery slope...once you start sliding down it is very difficult to stop. I want to teach our kids to love me (and others) for who I am (they are) not what my children can get from me (others). It is not about what a person can give you but rather who they are...hoping for deep and authentic connections through conversation and shared experiences. Again, don't hear me wrong, it can bring both the giver and receiver great joy in the thoughtfulness of gifts yet it should not be the primary means of expression of love. Really, what is comes down to is the heart motive.

So, where do I go from here? Honestly, I don't know. Maybe by starting to see "special" in our every day traditions like our devotions around the breakfast table or the "special-ness" of our post-dinner walk to feed the chickens across the street. It is about quality time engaging with my children, being present and listening to what interests them and playing into those interests.  It is about asking my children for help as we prepare meals or make a grocery list...engaging in the simply everyday tasks and focusing on those things. Bringing life back into focus of the "root-of-family" that binds us together and brings our focus to the Lord, serving Him and serving the others around us. The adage, seek to serve, is one that I wish to teach my children. I want to serve them (and those around me). I desire my children to do that same. To do this, I must stop "buying" them with excessive "special-ness" and bent rules by focusing on just loving them for them...not what I can give them or what they can give to me in return but just love them for them.

Happy Sabbath Summer!