With the amazing weather and three growing kids, it was time to purge excessive toys no longer played with and clothes that no longer fit. It is a joy to raise our kids in a community of friends who have children around the same ages as our three. As such, I sent out a group text to a few of my other "mom" friends, inquiring if they were interested in some pretty party-type dresses our almost 4-year daughter has recently outgrown. I love being able to pass along the blessing of clothes as so many have passed clothes along to us.
I snapped a few pictures and off went the text. No big deal.
The day came to deliver the dresses to my friend who lives just down the street. I folded them nicely, wrapped them thoughtfully, like a present, and put them in the car to drive them over.
A few minutes into my short drive, stopped at a red light, I glanced down at the three dresses carefully and lovingly placed in the passenger seat next to me. Without permission, my body got cold my hands clammy and my breathe shortened. The light was now green. I proceed forward in the direction of my destination with a feeling of panic, overwhelming trepidation and unaccounted for discontentment.
What in the world was going on?!
At the next red light, I peered down once again at that floral party dress. In a brief moment, pictures and memories flooded back into my mind...our daughter wore this dress--the exact dress that was in the passenger seat--when are family was joined together for the first time (all 5 of us), on Easter when our preemie son was just 14-days old and still in the NICU at the children's hospital 45-minutes North of our home.
In such a short time the overwhelming events of our son's early birth nearly 14-months ago and near death during the first hour(s) and weeks of his life flooded my memory.
Pulling into my friends driveway, I put the car in park and just sat there, thinking, processing, remembering. Within minutes I had hopped out of our silver car, delivered two of the three party dresses and climbed back into my vehicle. I immediately texted my friend, who had joined my family in prayer and struggle during our son's early days, telling her that I was struggling to get rid of this particular dress. She was nothing but supportive and kind in her response back (THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS, FRIEND!!).
A few deep breathes later, I was reversing out of the long driveway towards Target to pick up a few household necessities. Parking the car, I felt these overpowering emotions again. I stuffed them down so I could complete my short shopping list. Two stores later, I found myself sitting in Payless Shoes in the back of the store about ready to have a tear-fest. Really?! Here? Now?
This experience reminded me that grief comes and goes. Its onset comes from unexpected places (a floral party dress) at very unexpected times (at a red light). It reminds me that, although our 14-month-old son is now very healthy, he almost did not survive on more than one occasion in those early first few days of life. It reminded me to have grace towards myself as I navigate this new season of life--having a healthy (almost toddler) in comparison to the uncertain outcome of his life at birth. It reminded me that it is okay to stop, cry, live in the moment by recognizing it and then move on (although this one is lingering a little more that I expected). It reminded me that when I am weak, HE (Christ) is strong. In my weakness, I can allow God to overtake the hard circumstance and just rest...like a babe in his mother's arms. I feel like I did that today in Payless (of all places), sitting on the stool in the back of the store, closing my eyes, taking deep breathes and inviting God to take over...to help me process...to help me accept (once again) the hardships endured at my son's birth. HE reminded me that His promises are always right and always true. HE reminded me that I am in the clutch of His palm, protected, safe, secure, seen, recognized. HE gave me peace. I am still emotional...not necessarily about the dress...but over the events the dress reminded me of...the very first time our family of five was united.
So, I will keep the dress as a memorial stone. I will remember the joy of having my three kids together for the first time on one of my favorite holidays, Easter. I will remember the first egg hunt our big kids did at their cousin's house before we brought our family together in the hospital. I will remember how of first son was so tired after the Easter events that he was fitfully strapped into the double stroller in his baby brother's NICU room. I will remember putting on silly bunny ears and bunny glasses for our first family picture...all 5 of us. This dress is significant. It reminds me of a time of joy and a time of heartache. It reminds me of God's victory in our suffering.
I have a feeling that I will be dealing with our son's unexpected early birth for the rest of my life in varying degrees. And that is okay. I am thankful to our close friends and family who join us in this journey and those who pray for us. Parenthood is never easy. Grief is never easy. We bond together, one day at a time trusting that each day will provide new insight, healing and deep restoration.
Shalom.
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