Growing a Boy: Help Me Sail

I knew it would be hard. Yet the hard has not been at all what I expected. Days crying, researching, withdrawing from the world, not knowing what to do. Most days my head feels like it is barely bobbing above the water. I gasp for air. One more wave will surely pull me under. This is not the life I imagined having yet here I am. I seek to have a heart of gratitude, to see the good in all that is around me. I also recognize in the blip of life, these moments are small but the decisions I make in these moments will leave lasting evidence and imprints on my child.

I have a disabled son.

He may not seem it to the looking world. I think that is some of the challenge. The somewhat invisible challenges are often harder for onlookers to embrace because they are not seen--they are not tangible. To be honest, it is hard for me sometimes to embrace them too (and I am his mom). 

Entering first grade, I had such hopes that our boy would thrive. He overcame so much in kindergarten that I thought without doubt he would keep propelling forward in the world of academia. A month into first grade--- road block after road block we have hit. I am left with the desperately difficult decisions-- do we keep going? Do we repeat 1st grade? Do we just "get through" this year and then move to a new school next year? On the surface (or even typing them), the decision does not seem that big. Am I overreacting? Am I hype focused on something that doesn't really matter?

But it does matter. I am his mom. I am his first advocate (along with my husband). We lean into our faith...no matter how little our faith might feel in the face of these mountains. In a moment of desperation, I purchased a necklace on Amazon. A necklace, you may be asking, what does that have to do with your struggle? The gold chain, with a circle pendant, holds a mustard seed. A small, almost unnoticeable mustard seed. If you are the believing type, you may recall the parable. A faith of a mustard seed can move mountains. That is the hope I am clinging to. If I can just hold it together, "muster up" a bit of faith, I can sail through the storm--not drown. The Hope that rests in Jesus alone is enough. He is good. In His love, He gave me my medically complex son. Truly a gift. Through my son (and many tears and toil), my faith deepens. I see God answer prayers in subtle ways. I find ways to uphold others in my community who are also struggling. In my suffering, I strive to serve. To remove my eyes from the pit in front of me and look up and look around. What beauty to behold. Just in this past week, I have seen not one but TWO double rainbows--at just the right time. A visible reminder of God's love and promises to me. What joy and hope. In this past week, a dear friends sent me and unexpected "just because" "I'm thinking of you" gift. Wow! God does see and hear the deep longings of my heart. 

I recognize we are all suffering in some way. We are all facing hardships of varying kinds. I am not alone. I try to fix my eyes on the author of my faith, share my struggles with others, see the struggles of others and cling to my mustard seed of faith. God will work out the details. I simply hold my hands open and up. I surrender, Lord. I give you my little faith, my tears, my toil, my deep pain. Prevent me from drowning. Instead help me sail.

Growing a Boy: I "just" want to be his mom.

As you can imagine, this school year started with many complexities. My plate is crowded with obligations and responsibilities. Does my son have a disability? Yes. Does he need different scholastic accommodations than traditional students? Yes. Does he require therapy within and outside of the school day? Yes! Do I have other children, a job, and a household to run? Yes. However, there needs to be a surrender in the middle of the chaos.  As our family falls into somewhat of a rhythm of the school year, I find myself anxious. I am asking myself questions like:

o   Am I pushing too hard for supports/accommodations?

o   Is it worth disrupting my son's school day for therapy? (and all the make-up work!)

o   When are too many resources/therapies just that…too many?

o   Do I let him grow “as is” or intervene?

 

I find that my phone is tethered to my side during the school day, “just in case” the school calls to tell me that my son had a seizure or something even more catastrophic. Is this a healthy way to live? No.

 

What if I am "just" his mom? What if I fully surrendered my son to the Lord? I realize that my thoughts and feelings are based on fear and worry. When I live here, life and joy are taken from me.  How, then, do you reconcile the practical everyday questions with the life of surrender and trust? 

In all honesty, I don't want to mess this up...for my son or for myself. I don't want to be so wrecked that I walk around with a perpetual lump in my throat, a pit in my stomach, and a doom cloud floating over my head. Sadly, this is how the days have felt recently. God, just take my anxious thoughts. Allow me to surrender. Can I "just" be my son's mom? Can I stop being an advocate for him? 

In this, I pray for wisdom. I pray for healing. The trauma of his birth just keeps seeping in. I can't help but remember our son fighting for his little life at just days old...the pumps, the tubes, the medications...the many unknowns. I do not want to live a life dictated by the past. My son is alive. That should be enough, right? But the wounds are deep. Life is fragile. The mind is fickle. Help me, Lord. Take control over my heart, mind, and soul. You be the one that fills me, Lord. You be the one to answer the many questions I have. You grow him because today.... today, I "just" want to be his mom.

 

Growing a boy: Triumph

It has been 24-hours since our sweet youngest experienced his "epic" day in hospital-land, 45 minutes away. He enjoyed the special "just with Dad" time and the one-on-one attention from multiple providers (playing peek-a-boo with them as the providers discussed his progress). The day was filled with shuffling from this appointment to this meeting to that scan. It went seamlessly. Our family continues to be impressed with the level of care, attention to detail, honest discussions, and the integration of services we receive on behalf of our son.

So, here is the news:

• Chest x-ray----- CLEAR
• Echocardiogram ---- CLEAR
• Lung Capacity ---- GROWING
• Surgical site ---- UNCHANGED
• Overall development ---- ON TARGET

The team of providers was BEYOND thrilled with our boy, almost surprised at how well he is doing considering his experiences in that first month of life and the two new diagnoses in February. We are thrilled too.

I thank the Lord for the work HE has done in Oliver. God has been faithful to direct us as parents and we willingly submit and obey-- PT--YES....OT---OK! "Special" Preschool--- SURE! Because of God's wisdom and our many "yeses," our son is thriving. Yet, we do not take this for granted. We know that this sweet boy belongs to the Lord. We pray for and will accept God's will for our son.

We will be reunited with the team of amazing providers again (minus the echocardiogram) in 18-months. Praying for another amazing report.

Thank you for joining us in prayer and rejoicing with us.

Growing a boy: I had a moment of PTSD

Our family is settling in after Oliver's February diagnoses (2021). What felt hopeless and insurmountable for Oliver has now become our everyday---managing medication, incorporating PT & OT into daily routine, researching/education and shifting how we parent to better accommodate how our sweet youngest processes life. It has been an adjustment but an honor to see this little man's life unfold and to rely on God to give us wisdom and direction in the middle of this pandemic. 

Looking back on Oliver's last 4 and a half years of life, it is a privilege to stand where I do. To watch him thrive in preschool--almost mastering skills I thought he would never learn. Peering at his sweet sleeping face, holding his creations from school and reflecting back on his amazing use of language and words. I am in awe.

Despite the growth I have seen, I had a flashback moment today while driving to pick up Oliver's siblings from school. Exhausted from preschool, Oliver quickly fell asleep within 5 minutes of being buckled into his car seat. As we drove the 25-minute drive to his sibling's school, down the leaf covered street, Oliver began to sporadically cough in his sleep--more of a gag. His eyes closed---sleeping, still, not moving.

Instantly, my mind went to worst case scenario. I was reminded of when he stopped breathing after we finally brought him home. I was reminded of the time when Tyler rapidly drove Oliver to the ER, rubbing Oliver's sternum almost the whole way. My mind recalled the pain of trying to feed him while dealing with his reflux coughing fits.

In the pouring rain on a gloomy fall day, with snowing leaves, I had a moment of PTSD.

Every few seconds I looked back---my mind conjured up a thousand questions (& panicked scenarios) while trying to keep in my minivan in the yellow lines on the wet roads:

• Is he breathing? Does he have color? Is his chest rising and falling? Is he moving---at all? Do I need to call 911? Should I wake him up or let him sleep? 

What felt like an hour (seriously) was really only two stop lights. By that time, Oliver cleared his throat, moved his hands and adjusted his head -- almost as if to say, "Nothing to see here. I am fine, just choking a bit on my saliva while I sleep."

I could have had a heart attack; my heartrate was so high.

**SIGH** Relief.

I pulled the van safely into the school parking lot, reversed into a parking spot and about lost it. Grief. Pain. Hardship. All of those "not so fun" emotions from a "not so easy" season of life--I need to let him sleep. I need to recover from my emotions. A kind act from another mother--who brought my other two children to my van while Oliver slept--was just the moment I needed. A moment of grief, a moment of acknowledgement--sitting there for just a moment--before I had to jump back into my role as a "Mother of Three"

I am thankful that mother, unknowingly, gave this moment to me. I am grateful I could recognize but not linger in my grief. In the past, it would have taken a while for me to "snap out of it." The Lord has blessed me with healing, with joy, with peace about all the events we faced as a family upon Oliver's arrival.

I had to laugh a little though--of course ALL of this comes on the eve of his annual surgical follow-up (which includes a chest x-ray, nutritionist, echocardiogram among other tests/procedures). It has been a while since I have had such a blatant reminder of Oliver's tough beginning of life story. 

So, I sit here at my computer--all three children snug in their beds for the night--grateful. Oliver continues to remind me of just how precious this life is. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. What we do--What we say--How we say it-- it ALL matters. I hope you take this as a reminder too...we simply trust the Lord, submit our ways to Him and He will always show us the way. He will always be our Healer. He will always bring us through our hard things--whether on earth or in Eternity with Him.

Glory be to God Almighty.

Growing in faith: Let this cup pass

Jesus knew He was on His way to death. He cried out to God, "My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me." Then, in recognition of God's Almighty Power, Jesus said, "Yet not as I will, but as you will." (Matt 26:39)

This passage reminded me of OSH's day of birth. On the OR table, having just had my premature, unresponsive son cut out of my belly, God directly spoke to me saying, "I giveth and I taketh away. You have to be okay with that, ok?!" 

It was a command. It was a fact. It was a reminder. It brought me comfort. Knowing only God is in control of life and death--no matter what the medial team did or did not do. No matter if the doctors and nurse did everything perfect or not. God told me that He controlled Oliver's life. 

In my Bible reading today, I was struck by Jesus' words, "Yet not as I will, but as you will." (Matt 26:39). In light of all of the recent testing and testing to come on our youngest, I will commit to praying this prayer..."Your will be done, Father, Your will be done."

As I surrender, pray, and accept, I find myself in a glorious spot. I find myself again recognizing the beautiful gift our youngest son is (all of our children for that matter). I find myself staring at him in awe of all he overcomes everyday to perform daily tasks. I am reminded that he needs a bit more patience and direction and handholding (literally and figuratively) to accomplish simple directions. I realize that perhaps I am not the best person to teach him preschool "academics" but I am his biggest advocate and resource seeker. I see that I cannot compare our family dynamic with other families in similar stages because our family must do life slightly different. 

I will pray that God will train up his mind to overcome challenges, but to pray for healing...why? He is perfect just the way God intended him to be. It was and is God's way that our son came into the world as he did. It is God's way that as parents we are refined by the "unexpected," our responses more quickly turning to God than any thing else. 

When I once had no hope, God is faithful. With a few new discoveries and possible avenues of support, I know that I can forge ahead in confidence and faith. Our "perfect" son, just as God intended him to be. I write this with a smile on my face and a joy in my heart. God is holding me fast, teaching me, and encouraging me to look beyond what is right in front, the temporal. God is so gracious to us by giving us Oliver, his "complexities" and all. Our little boy is a miracle. He is a teacher, one who teaches us daily to turn to the Creator. 

 As you will, Father, as you will.

Growing in Faith: I lost my mustard seed

The Bible says that even a small mustard seed of faith can move mountains (Matt 17:20). The Bible says that if we ask anything in His name, He will give it according to His will (Matt 21:22).

I must say, I lack faith.

In a recent pending diagnosis for one of my children, I lack faith. A diagnosis that seems so permanent, disruptive and hard, I am failing to see how God might redeem this. I find it difficult to pray for healing. I find it difficult because when I think about it, it brings me back to the traumatic events of his birth. It conjures up the emotional pain of the first two months of his life that was followed by a difficult 2 years of life. Praying reminds me of his daily struggle and how I see him acting differently than a "normal" preschooler.

How do I get past this? No, really, how!? Any ideas?!

I am fighting for faith yet it feels like an uphill battle. Possibly because we do not yet have answers. Possibly because I can't control this diagnosis. Possibly because I have run out of tools in my mothering-toolbox. 

I want to run away, scream, drink a lot of coffee, shop...but I need to fight this battle on my knees. I need to resist the temptations of this world that would call me to anything other that Jesus. Because my head tells me that this battle will ONLY be won in Him. (I just need my heart to follow).

So, for just this moment (and the next and the next), I will TRY to surrender, open my palms and offer my 1/2 mustard seed of faith. I will TRY to figuratively lay my son at the alter of the Most High and allow Him to work, heal, restore. I will TRY to focus on what God has already done. I will TRY to focus on my son, just how he is! He is not a diagnosis. He is not. He is not a label. He is not! He is a different kind of beautiful...just like we all are.

Please pray for my faith, my husband's faith. Pray for acceptance, answers, tools and PEACE. Pray that we can look beyond what is and see HIM working....because all we need is a mustard seed of faith.

Growing a family: Defeated in the Victory

 Have you ever felt defeated even in your victory? Today feels like that kinda day.

1. A decision was made.
   
2. I am on my way in a few short minutes for one of two medical appointments this week.
3. My son has an even bigger appointment in just a few days.
4. We are celebrating a birthday and a half-birthday.

 

So much to celebrate. So much to mourn. So much to process. So much to just trust it ALL with the Lord.

The Lord is faithful, even in our failings. The Lord is faithful, even when we make a decision (not knowing what is better or best). The Lord is faithful as we wait for diagnosis. The Lord is always faithful. 

We must remember this when we feel defeated on our victory. Why? BECAUSE WE ARE VICTORIOUS! We stand in a position with the Most High. Because HE fights for us. As our pastor said on Sunday--we know the end of the Book. We win. 

Let us hold that posture today. We might **FEEL** defeated but we are not. We are victorious IN HIM and in Him, He works all things together for good.

I will try to rest in this today. Will you?

Growing a boy: Climbing a mountain...daily

First...THANK YOU. Thank you all for your prayers. We can feel them. Thank you for your encouragement. We need them! God knew community was so valuable and we are beyond grateful for the one surrounding us now. YOU are a part of that.

So a little update...

OSH IS EXCITED! Wow! He is so excited about his upcoming appointment at the hospital daddy use to work in--so much so that he has already begun to pack his "-uggage" with stuffies and Little People toys. He decided he wants to bring along some clothes and is also wondering if he can take a picture with the big machine...all by himself. He is excited he gets a date with "just dad" and is even more excited to pick any food he wants after his big appointment. This is truly a blessing! It brings me peace to see him excited to go to the hospital for his upcoming "picture appointment." 

God has heard our prayers (but let us keep praying!).

 

From the last blog to this, I spent much time online learning & re-learning about fine motor function and activities that could help OSH strengthen his grasp, specifically pencil grip for preschoolers. (Fine motor skills...something OSH has struggled with since infancy). I found a FANTASTIC blog written by an anonymous occupational therapist describing many activities such as using smaller broken crayons because they "force" a child to use a tighter grip (too bad I just threw out all of our broken crayons) and "pencil grips." Little did I know....WOW...there are VERY strong opinions about pencil grips. I will spare you the details, but we decided to take a "$10 risk" to purchase a pack of three pencil grips. When they arrived yesterday, I was eager to try them out...and OSH DID GREAT! All this to say...neurological deficits (or not), I feel empowered with some new tools that I can use at home to help OSH grow in his "scholastic" and "artistic" and everyday abilities. 

In life, we often take the simple things for granted like holding a pen, holding a toothbrush, scooping yogurt onto a spoon, opening a door handle or pulling up our pants. To my son, these are mountains he has to climb multiple times every. single. day. And I am SO proud of him for doing it! Without realizing, he is persevering through difficult tasks moment by moment with a smile and good attitude (most of the time). He is too young to feel "sorry" for himself and has yet to make up excuses as to why he can't do something. I PRAY he never does. I pray that every day, he keeps climbing up his mountains, conquering them one after the next. I BELIEVE IN HIM! He is my inspiration.

Growing a boy: Ugh! The Turning Point

Nothing about our youngest is "normal." Yet I think about myself, my husband, our other two kids, my friends etc. And then I ask myself, "What really is normal?" because God has made us each so perfectly unique.

Over two months ago, I took OSH to a neurologist, per the recommendation of his Seattle doctors. In that neurological appointment, it was revealed that OSH does have neurological deficits...we just don't know what exactly they are or how extensive they are. The doctor placed OSH in a category, giving him a mild diagnosis (that I do not wish to share out of fear of labels and partially out of an unwillingness to accept such label). It was recommended that OSH receive a head MRI to further explore his deficits as well as a means to better facilitate his growth and learning. However, to get this MRI, OSH would need a COVID test and sedation. 

My initial thoughts, "NO! I WILL NOT PUT MY SON THROUGH THAT TO SIMPLY "KNOW" WHY HE ACTS THE WAY HE DOES...IT DOES NOT CHANGE WHO HE IS!" (as I type, I can feel my blood pressure rise)

My husband agreed that it was not a necessary procedure, especially given the raising cases of COVID in our city. SETTLED! DONE! I had my "normal" boy "back." (I could put his medical difference behind me and continue on as though he was and is in fact, normal.)

As the weeks have gone by since this appointment, my mind and head fluctuated in waves. "Ignorance is bliss, right?" I would say to myself. Or, "does it really matter if we know WHY or HOW these neurological deficits occurred?"  The doctor had three possible reasons for OSH's neurological hyper-responses. But did we need to know?

 

Then...the turning point 

This past week we have seen OSH have a difficult time opening a doorknob or holding his Legos in his right hand. He began to say things like, "Mom, this is not my power hand because it doesn't work as well, it is not stronger." 

Queue the heartbreak, heartbroken, heart shattering song.

My son is different. Now, I need to know why.

So in the coming weeks, on a scheduled Friday, our sweet youngest will stop eating by 2am. He will stop drinking by 8am, he will get sedated and then, in the early morning, have his head scanned. To say that I am terrified is an understatement. Will there be complications with his sedation? How will his lungs do as he is "under?" How will he manage not being able to eat? Will he be able to handle the noises of the hospital? And on and on it goes...

And...only one parent can go. I so badly want to be there with him; however, Daddy stepped up to fill a spot that I think I would otherwise be too emotional to fill. So what then should be my response? 

PRAISE, TRUST, FAITH and HOPE that our little boy was created FOR and BY God. In his life, God will work all things out. So, I *try* to put my fear aside and embrace this opportunity to display God's unrelenting love to our son and to the watching world. Because God has made us all unique, our own kind of normal to show the world just how GOOD God really is.

Please join us in prayer.

Growing in Faith: Identity Confusion

Has your head ever spun around as you scrolled through several media sites or read varied articles stating multiple opinions about our nation or world or even how YOU should live your life? Everyone has a different idea about what is right, about what is true. Everyone has something to say about EVERYTHING. It is confusing. What should I believe? What do I believe?

What do you choose to believe? By what filter or lens do you view your identity? 

In Matthew 16, Peter was faced with this same challenge. The question of the time: "Who do people say that the Son of Man is?" (v. 13). Opinions varied, thinking Jesus might be John the Baptist or Elijah or Jeremiah or one of the other prophets. 

But in a direct address, Jesus comes to Peter and asks, "who do you say that I am?" (v.15). 

In that moment, Peter had to decided. Peter had to declare. Peter had to not only form and settle on his belief...but say it out loud! (Would he be ridiculed, outcast for stating his opinion? Would he be harmed or shunned for his belief?) Scripture doesn't afford us the inner thoughts of Peter in this moment, but what we do see is Peter's words:

"You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God." (v16)

This bold proclamation was followed then by Jesus revealing to Peter who Peter was, what Peter was made to do...Jesus revealed Peter's identity and purpose.  Peter was then blessed; Peter would become the cornerstone of the church. Jesus revealed Peter's spiritual gift. BUT--- this only happened when Peter turned from the naysayers of the world, turned off the media (so to speak) and turned to God...only when Peter stared Truth in the face and responded in faith. 

Are you seeking to find your identity based on the beliefs of this world? No news poll, news article or social media post will ever reveal your true identity. We MUST go straight to the source, form and settle on our own beliefs (based on God's Word) and say them out loud. I have found when I say something out loud, it somehow becomes real, tangible--no longer a thought swirling around in my mind. 

Will you be bold enough to ask Jesus about your identity...the life He has planned out for you...JUST YOU!? Are you able to behold and believe the Prince of Life when He calls you to perform tasks outside of your comfort zone? When will you proclaim, out loud, to others that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of the living God? This, dear friends, is our mission in life...to glorify God and seek Him above all else. When we do, our identity will be found and our opinions will be made based solely on the words of Scripture. Be bold, dear friends. Step into the greatness God has created for you.

 

 

Growing in Faith: Witnessing a miracle

Have you ever witnessed a miracle? In my time on earth I certainly have seen a few but in my passage reading today one stands out. It relates to Jesus feeding the crowd of 5,000+ and the crowd of 4,000+ (Matthew 14, 15).

In these passages of Scripture, Jesus takes a few loaves of bread and a few fish and somehow makes it MORE than enough for the people present...even leftovers. Impossible?

Years ago I attended Bible school in Canada. For nine-months I lived on an island with my fiance (and 120 other students from around the world) studying ~85% of the Bible. We participated in daily chores, housekeeping duties, grounds maintenance and once per month outreach activities. During my time there, I participated in a outreach at a local mission. We conducted music for Sunday service, helped in the food bank and on occasion served warm food to our sitting patrons. It was an incredibly humbling and enjoyable act of service. 

On one particular night, a local church was providing the hot Friday night meal--- Chinese food. Boy, it smelled delicious! The weather outside was less than ideal. Dumping rain and frigid temperatures brought in more diners than the normal 100. I forget the number now, but I think the number of people who came for a hot meal was over double than what was expected. The big question: how were we going to serve ALL of these people?

As servers, with hot food dished on paper-plates in hand, we ran back and forth from the kitchen to the seated guests. We had to inform the diners that only one plate of food could be brought out/served per customer (which was not the normal custom). There were many disappointing faces yet they understood. About half way through the night, my fiance and I went once again to check on the food supply. More and more individuals were filing in, needing a free hot meal. 

To our astonishment, the silver trays of Chinese food never when past half empty! We began to serve seconds and thirds. More and more people continued to seek refuge from the cold...AND THERE WAS ENOUGH!  Before our eyes, we witnessed a miracle! No one was "sneak cooking" or adding to the already prepared food...there literally was no more food to give. Yet God, SOMEHOW, made it enough!

To this day, I have NO IDEA how this even happened in practical terms. It literally happened before my eyes and I am still stunned. At the end of the night, there was more than enough food for ALL of the volunteers AND some food leftover as well. Amazing. 

This story reminds me that God will always provide! He does this in unexpected and surprising ways and in the end, all He asks is that we give Him glory for the work He has done.

What miracle(s) is God working on in your life right now? How might you be able to bless others because of the ways God has provided for you?

Amazing, isn't it?

Growing in Faith: You are NOT alone

I missed the mark in my grief after the events of Oliver unfolded almost four years ago. I remained in a self-focused, overwhelmed, negative mindset for months (and longer). I did the best that I could yet reflecting back, I know that God used Oliver to teach me SO MUCH about grief, community, friendships, serving and gratitude. I often fight the "If only".....  If only I could go back and do things differently. If only I could follow Jesus' example in Matthew 14.  It is no good playing the "what if" or "if only" game. BUT-- moving forward I have a choice. Let us learn from Jesus.....

In Matthew 14, Jesus learns His cousin, John the Baptist, was unfairly beheaded. A powerful man of God who prepared the way for Jesus. A man who baptized many and preached the Good News. A man who was a witness to Christ and His miracles....gone because of a selfish king. 

In His grief, Jesus "withdrew from there by boat to a remote place to be alone."  (v. 13). I am sure He cried, mourned and reflected on the life His cousin led. YET- in His grief, a crowd followed Him to that remote place. Selfish, ignorant or not (whatever their motives), the crowds interrupted this private, personal moment Jesus was striving for. Jesus must have wanted to be alone pretty bad (or else why would He have taken a boat across the water)?  

Yet, "when He went ashore, he saw a large crowd and had compassion on them, and healed their sick" (v. 14). Jesus then goes on to feed 5,000 (besides women and children).

In His grief, He served. In His pain, He gave back to others. In His private moment, He recognized the need of others.

I know that I wrote about this in a recent blog, but this lesson never gets old! I think WE need to serve each other! In a hurting church, hurting world, broken communities, fractured corporate infrastructure, difficult decisions having to be made ...how can we give of ourselves to those around us? Are we seeking out the needs of others and serving them with the gifts God has given us? In our pain, are we still choosing to serve?

A challenge for me: move past my challenges, difficulties and overwhelmed heart to serve those around me-- a text message, organizing a virtual tea with a neighbor, a handwritten letter, small gift dropped off on a doorstep, virtual book reading with my niece and nephew.  

 SERVE! There are many physical limitations in our world right now...yet God can work past them. God can WILL inspire you. God WILL bring to mind a creative idea. God WILL respond to you! Are you willing to ask Him? Are you willing to serve Him by serving others? Are you willing to be part of the solution to our hurting world? 

Brothers and Sisters--- Let us be BOLD. Let us be BRAVE to try new things to bring our world together. Just follow the example of Jesus.....

I am praying for you! (If you would like specific prayer, leave a comment or message me!!) 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Growing in Faith: Overwhelmed; Let us pray

I have much to say about the scriptures I read today-- yet my heart is overwhelmed. So here are the general impressions. I pray they speak to you.

• For our nation, especially this week (inauguration), let us pray for unity. Lest we see what Jesus describes in Matthew 12:25 

  “Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand."

 

• Let us be FOR God: "Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters." Matthew 12:30

 

•  What are we thinking---speaking to our generations (family, children, community, co-workers)? "For the mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart." Matthew 12:34
  

 

• Matthew 13:1-9-- discusses the parable of the sower and the reproduction of the planted seed. Many of the seeds do not grow and instead they wither. Only a few produce good fruit.  My remaining questions: Am I producing? Are you producing? What I am producing? What are you producing? Are you hearing what God is speaking to you? 

Matthew 13:13-15

¹³ This is why I speak to them in parables:

“Though seeing, they do not see;
    though hearing, they do not hear or understand.

¹⁴ In them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah:

“‘You will be ever hearing but never understanding;
    you will be ever seeing but never perceiving.
¹⁵ For this people’s heart has become calloused;
    they hardly hear with their ears,
    and they have closed their eyes.
Otherwise they might see with their eyes,
    hear with their ears,
    understand with their hearts
and turn, and I would heal them.’

Growing in Faith: I am offeneded

Offended: resentful or annoyed, typically as a result of a perceived insult.

How often are you offended (see definition above)? I find myself offend quiet often. I make scenarios up in my head about some fictional reason someone has not called me back or reached out. I get offended when my husband puts his dirty dish in the sink (when the dishes in the dishwasher are dirty). And I get offended when my children complain about a meal I spent hours preparing. 

I get offended.

But is this the correct response? No...it is a lack of confidence in my relationships and in my God-given abilities. And I recognize, that being offended (although the emotions are real) does not promote growth towards Christ-likeness.

Jesus has something so say about being offended, "...blessed is the one who is not offended by me." [Matthew 11:6]

As I read, I paused...to be offended by Jesus would mean that I am annoyed at Him or resentful of Him. Or believe that He causes me to stumble. It means I would not share about who He is or what He has done out of fear of being mistreated. To be offended by Jesus would mean that as He directs my life, I would become irritated as He tells me to do this or go there or give away that. In my pride, I would allow Jesus to offend me.

But, dear children, there is a different way! As Jesus leads our lives, He calls us to sit at His feet, humble ourselves and learn from Him. He calls us not to shout or yell in the streets about what we are offended about but rather go away in private, directly to Him. And when we are offended (by Jesus or anyone else) to go to the SOURCE first...don't "bad-mouth" or joke coarsely out of anger or simply to "make myself feel better."

In a season where we can all become offended over politics or COVID restrictions, let us not sin in our "offended-ness." Let us build our confidence in Him who created you. Him who directs all of your steps....in Him who only seeks your good. Dear friends, let us learn from Jesus how NOT to become so easily offended and when we rest in Him, He will give us peace for our weary souls.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

Growing in Faith: No guarantees

 I think you would agree that the Bible is mysterious in so many ways. It lends itself to, at times, more questions that answers. Yet we know that God is in all things and in Him all things hold together. So, if this is the case, does faith and prayer really matter?

In Matthew 9:18-31, we read of two different accounts of four miraculous healing.

1. A woman who simply touches Jesus' robe and is healed
2. A dead, young girl whose hand was touched by Jesus became alive
3. Two blind men whose eyes were touched and then could see

The common factors I gather:

1. A willing, available & compassionate Jesus
   
2. Faith, prayer, request 
• A father's faith that Jesus can heal his beloved daughter; his request for Jesus to come--He showed up and made the young girl alive
  
• A woman's faith and action--just touching His garment (if I can JUST be near Him), I will be healed-- She was!
• The blind mens' faith and proclamation that Jesus could in fact heal them--they were!

It amazes me that despite who made the request, whether the person who was ill or someone requesting on the sick-persons behalf, Jesus responded. He healed! The young girl could not pray for herself, but the father was able--and he did! The results: she became alive! The woman in this story makes a silent request, puts her faith in action and is healed! The two men publicly and out loud declared their faith and presented their request...they were healed also!

I know that the Lord heals in many ways...sometimes He heals with a, "YES! I will heal you!" Sometimes He answers, "Not right now, child." Or even sometimes, He answers, "No, that is not in my will. I have other plans."

The unfortunate dilemma is that we do not know how He will respond until we act...until we pray and act out our faith. We have to learn to be okay with His "Yes" "No" "Maybe" "Not Right Now" response.

Are you willing to take the chance, to be vulnerable with Him and those around, to make your requests known? Are you willing to petition the Lord for the needs of those you love or those in your community? Do you believe that Jesus can heal you--whether it be physical or emotional? There is a risk either way: "what if I ask and He says no?" ..... Well, the reverse is also true-- What if you ask and he says YES!?!

There are no guarantees in our life, except this: Jesus loves you. Jesus came to this earth to live a perfect life so that you don't have to. Jesus died FOR YOU because He loves you and does not want you to be separate from God. If you love Jesus, you will spend FOREVER with Him. That is guarantee enough for me to seek Him first. It is guarantee enough for me to put my faith in Him and make my requests & the needs/requests of others known to Him.

Is it enough of a guarantee for you?

Growing in Faith: Serving in Hardship

When something hard or unexpected happens, I have learned to control my reactions through the help of the Holy Spirit. My former-self would talk and talk about what had happened. I would post and re-post my experience. At times, I would even exaggerate what had actually happened. Then, I asked myself, "why?!?"

Did I want empathy? Did I want to be known or seen? Did I want others to feel sorry for me or comfort me by bringing me a meal or sending a card? 

I never fully understood why I sought this "attention seeking" reaction. I am relieved that Scripture gives us a different way to react to our hard situations: SERVE!

Yes, when we are faced with hard or unexpected circumstances, we are called to serve! We see a wonderful example in Matthew 7:14-17.

Peter's mother-in-law is sick with a fever. 

"So he [Jesus] touched her hand, and the fever left her. THEN she got up and began to SERVE him."  (emphasis added) Matt. 7:15

Now, that is not the reaction I would have expected. Why didn't she stop to chat with Jesus? Or ask questions as to HOW He healed her (or WHY He healed her). Instead, she took action (got up) and served. She did not wallow in her former misery. She did not try to understand what had happened or why, rather, she did what she was meant to do.

I found it difficult to move from my former "attention seeking" thinking and attitude, however, as I did my relationships with those around me become so much richer and my attitude towards life and its circumstances stopped feeling too big and so overwhelming. Because... we are created to serve. No matter your capacity, limitations or spiritual giftings....YOU ARE CREATED TO SERVE!

Are you struggling with this same "attention seeking" thinking? If so, give it to God. When you are faced with hardship, seek ways to serve those around you. From experience, it reduces anxiety and heals the soul in ways that wallowing never will.

"A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart." Luke 6:45

 

Growing in Faith: I give up

 I am right in the middle of my 3rd basket of laundry..sort, fold. Sort. fold. I have a deep desire to just "skip it," walk away and leave the task unfinished. Every morning, our dishwasher gets unloaded. I think, "does this really matter? I can just leave the rest for later."

Never in my life have I had such compelling thoughts about not accomplishing these daily tasks. I am not sure why I am experiencing this struggle, now, at this moment in time: stress, lack of sleep, feelings of being overwhelmed maybe? Regardless, I have to fight the urge to give up. I have to press on. I have to give myself a pep talk about the benefits of completing such (minor) tasks. 

This morning as I was struggling with the morning routine of unloading the dishwasher, I remembered this verse: 

^{Colossians 3:23-24}

²³ Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, ²⁴ since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.

 A shift of focus, from the Holy Spirit. Yes, these tasks I do unto the Lord! Sure, my family benefits from them (and so do I) but that is not my primary audience. I do these tasks for the Lord. I care for the possessions HE has given me (and my family). Today, I will think on this verse more. I will choose joy while I work on such minor tasks; I will persevere through them with a different attitude because my heart is now working for the Master of my life.

Are there tasks in your life that you need to perform for the Lord rather than human eyes? Are you seeking human approval for a job well done or seeking the inheritance of heaven? Whether it be parenting, completing spreadsheets, delivering packages or simply doing the laundry and the dishes, God wants to be the center of it all. We should seek His best. We should seek to please Him over seeking the approval of others on this planet.

This day, comitt your tasks to the Lord. Accomplish them for HIM and Him alone.

Maranath.

~B~

Growing in Faith: When I worry

I had to confess last night to my husband. I had to put into words what my heart and mind were struggling with. After pondering, I knew I had to vocalize my....worry.

Yesterday was a hard, HARD day for our nation. The act of domestic terrorism is appalling. I am not writing this to start a debate, but rather, as an exercise in looking at humanity. No matter what side you stand on, where is the moral ground?

I worry. And at times, I am afraid. 

COVID, my husband, children, our nation, my home, finances, war, death. 

These are just a *few* worries and anxieties I have...there are others like schooling for my children next year, protecting our new flock of chickens (two of which have already died) all while trying to "hold it together."

In Scripture, I am reminded, "don't worry about tomorrow because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:34)

I sighed a cleansing sigh. I breathe a refreshing breath. 

My Heavenly Father knows what I need. He will sustain me, take care of the details and heal my heartaches. Even when I am tempted to sit in my worry, He pulls me away. He has better for me.

As a result, I need to change my focus...not on all of the areas of my life that are hard or frightening but rather on His kingdom. For it says, "But seek first the kingdom of God." (Matthew 6:33). When I do this, I have confidence, from Scripture, that He will provide for my every need.

Cast your worries upon Him. Confess your worries and anxieties. He will do more than comfort you, He will make a way for you in the wilderness of this life and provide far greater things than you could ever imagine. Rest in Him today, and the next day, and the next day after that. 

YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE.

Growing in Faith: That is just too far....

That is just too far.....

I hear this from my kids all of the time when we are biking or hiking (especially on a new, unfamiliar trail). "It is too far." "Where is the end?" "Is it time to stop?" "I'm tired (even though we just started)."

Although is it not quite the same, in Matthew 5:38-42, Jesus calls us to walk the extra mile, go beyond what is requested, asked or demanded of us (whether it seems unfair or not). ...to go beyond what is expected or necessary. 

I am overwhelmed at this thought. "What, God? You want me to DO MORE?" In a season where I already feel burdened, I couldn't imagine stretching myself any more than I already am...but:

I do not believe this is what Jesus is asking of us. 

In context, Roman soldiers could demand any Jewish citizen to carry a load such as food or military equipment, for one Roman mile, as they traveled city to city. It was often forced on that unknowing citizen. It was hard, exhausting and at times excruciating. Why, then, would Jesus state, "And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two."

After prayer and reflection, here is what I came up with:

• As believers, we are called to highlight God. (When I worked in the corporate world, we called it "surprise and delight the customer"). Since going the second mile was uncommon, it would call the Roman solider to inquire as to why the citizen would voluntarily offer such a painful task.
• Going the extra mile displays generosity and expresses a deep unconditional compassion.
  
• Jesus calls us to take care of those around us. By taking their burden, even for just two "short" Roman miles, we are giving space for God to work in their lives in a different manner.
• We are to respect authority (even if we do not agree) and at the same time challenge authority, in a productive and meaningful way.
• Going the extra mile allows us to build (unexpected) relationships though shared experiences and otherwise uncommon connections.

If I had more time (and I wish I did), I am sure I could ponder this thought more. But work and children are beckoning....so, I will leave you with this:

How is Jesus calling you to "go the extra mile," remembering that it is not *doing more* or *adding more* to you list, but rather taking the opportunities presented to you daily as a means to glorify the Lord?

I challenge you to read this short passage for yourself in Scripture, asking God how you might apply this practice of going the extra mile. Is is easy? NO. Is it worth it.....ALWAYS.

 

Maranatha.

~B~

Growing in Faith: Flavorless

After a sales interaction, have you ever walked away with a bad taste in your mouth, so to speak? Something about the interaction just didn't "sit right" with you. You leave feeling perplexed, maybe even slightly frustrated, unsettled, unsatisfied or angry despite purchasing the object you intended to purchase. 

Sometimes as believers, we "taste" like this...we lose our flavor, lose our focus, and as a result can turn people FROM the Gospel instead of towards it. We grumble and complain, critique or argue. We act grumpy, lash out in anger or make events in our life seem so daunting...all. of. the. time. We forget the blessing of our relationship with Jesus. We turn from gratitude.

In Matthew 5:13, Jesus describes us as "salt." Salt had a very important function in Jesus' day: food preservation/prevention of decay and brought out the flavor within food (among other purposes).

The Bible says:

Colossians 4:6 - Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.

Mark 9:50 - Salt is good, but if the salt has lost its saltiness, how will you make it salty again? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with one another.”

As believers, we are called to help prevent decay and immorality in our world, our spheres of influence. We are to bring an important "flavor" or a way of living that promotes life. Our lives are to point TO Jesus by how we respond and engage with our community.

I ask, have you lost your "flavor?" Are you striving towards peace and graciousness within your relationships: marriage, family, friends, neighbors? 

As we continue our transformation into Christ's likeness, let us strive towards "salty speech." Let our lives be reflections of God's graciousness towards us and extend that grace to others. Let our lives be a place where others find rest, where others can come for healing from the decay of this world...a respite. Practice "eating" the Fruit of the Spirit (Love; Joy; Peace; Patience; Kindness; Goodness; Faithfulness; Gentleness; Self-control). Practice being "pouring out" like salt.

You and your world will be better for it.

Enjoy your Tuesday.

~B~