Growing a Boy: Help Me Sail

I knew it would be hard. Yet the hard has not been at all what I expected. Days crying, researching, withdrawing from the world, not knowing what to do. Most days my head feels like it is barely bobbing above the water. I gasp for air. One more wave will surely pull me under. This is not the life I imagined having yet here I am. I seek to have a heart of gratitude, to see the good in all that is around me. I also recognize in the blip of life, these moments are small but the decisions I make in these moments will leave lasting evidence and imprints on my child.

I have a disabled son.

He may not seem it to the looking world. I think that is some of the challenge. The somewhat invisible challenges are often harder for onlookers to embrace because they are not seen--they are not tangible. To be honest, it is hard for me sometimes to embrace them too (and I am his mom). 

Entering first grade, I had such hopes that our boy would thrive. He overcame so much in kindergarten that I thought without doubt he would keep propelling forward in the world of academia. A month into first grade--- road block after road block we have hit. I am left with the desperately difficult decisions-- do we keep going? Do we repeat 1st grade? Do we just "get through" this year and then move to a new school next year? On the surface (or even typing them), the decision does not seem that big. Am I overreacting? Am I hype focused on something that doesn't really matter?

But it does matter. I am his mom. I am his first advocate (along with my husband). We lean into our faith...no matter how little our faith might feel in the face of these mountains. In a moment of desperation, I purchased a necklace on Amazon. A necklace, you may be asking, what does that have to do with your struggle? The gold chain, with a circle pendant, holds a mustard seed. A small, almost unnoticeable mustard seed. If you are the believing type, you may recall the parable. A faith of a mustard seed can move mountains. That is the hope I am clinging to. If I can just hold it together, "muster up" a bit of faith, I can sail through the storm--not drown. The Hope that rests in Jesus alone is enough. He is good. In His love, He gave me my medically complex son. Truly a gift. Through my son (and many tears and toil), my faith deepens. I see God answer prayers in subtle ways. I find ways to uphold others in my community who are also struggling. In my suffering, I strive to serve. To remove my eyes from the pit in front of me and look up and look around. What beauty to behold. Just in this past week, I have seen not one but TWO double rainbows--at just the right time. A visible reminder of God's love and promises to me. What joy and hope. In this past week, a dear friends sent me and unexpected "just because" "I'm thinking of you" gift. Wow! God does see and hear the deep longings of my heart. 

I recognize we are all suffering in some way. We are all facing hardships of varying kinds. I am not alone. I try to fix my eyes on the author of my faith, share my struggles with others, see the struggles of others and cling to my mustard seed of faith. God will work out the details. I simply hold my hands open and up. I surrender, Lord. I give you my little faith, my tears, my toil, my deep pain. Prevent me from drowning. Instead help me sail.

Growing in Faith: Identity Confusion

Has your head ever spun around as you scrolled through several media sites or read varied articles stating multiple opinions about our nation or world or even how YOU should live your life? Everyone has a different idea about what is right, about what is true. Everyone has something to say about EVERYTHING. It is confusing. What should I believe? What do I believe?

What do you choose to believe? By what filter or lens do you view your identity? 

In Matthew 16, Peter was faced with this same challenge. The question of the time: "Who do people say that the Son of Man is?" (v. 13). Opinions varied, thinking Jesus might be John the Baptist or Elijah or Jeremiah or one of the other prophets. 

But in a direct address, Jesus comes to Peter and asks, "who do you say that I am?" (v.15). 

In that moment, Peter had to decided. Peter had to declare. Peter had to not only form and settle on his belief...but say it out loud! (Would he be ridiculed, outcast for stating his opinion? Would he be harmed or shunned for his belief?) Scripture doesn't afford us the inner thoughts of Peter in this moment, but what we do see is Peter's words:

"You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God." (v16)

This bold proclamation was followed then by Jesus revealing to Peter who Peter was, what Peter was made to do...Jesus revealed Peter's identity and purpose.  Peter was then blessed; Peter would become the cornerstone of the church. Jesus revealed Peter's spiritual gift. BUT--- this only happened when Peter turned from the naysayers of the world, turned off the media (so to speak) and turned to God...only when Peter stared Truth in the face and responded in faith. 

Are you seeking to find your identity based on the beliefs of this world? No news poll, news article or social media post will ever reveal your true identity. We MUST go straight to the source, form and settle on our own beliefs (based on God's Word) and say them out loud. I have found when I say something out loud, it somehow becomes real, tangible--no longer a thought swirling around in my mind. 

Will you be bold enough to ask Jesus about your identity...the life He has planned out for you...JUST YOU!? Are you able to behold and believe the Prince of Life when He calls you to perform tasks outside of your comfort zone? When will you proclaim, out loud, to others that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of the living God? This, dear friends, is our mission in life...to glorify God and seek Him above all else. When we do, our identity will be found and our opinions will be made based solely on the words of Scripture. Be bold, dear friends. Step into the greatness God has created for you.

 

 

Growing in Faith: Witnessing a miracle

Have you ever witnessed a miracle? In my time on earth I certainly have seen a few but in my passage reading today one stands out. It relates to Jesus feeding the crowd of 5,000+ and the crowd of 4,000+ (Matthew 14, 15).

In these passages of Scripture, Jesus takes a few loaves of bread and a few fish and somehow makes it MORE than enough for the people present...even leftovers. Impossible?

Years ago I attended Bible school in Canada. For nine-months I lived on an island with my fiance (and 120 other students from around the world) studying ~85% of the Bible. We participated in daily chores, housekeeping duties, grounds maintenance and once per month outreach activities. During my time there, I participated in a outreach at a local mission. We conducted music for Sunday service, helped in the food bank and on occasion served warm food to our sitting patrons. It was an incredibly humbling and enjoyable act of service. 

On one particular night, a local church was providing the hot Friday night meal--- Chinese food. Boy, it smelled delicious! The weather outside was less than ideal. Dumping rain and frigid temperatures brought in more diners than the normal 100. I forget the number now, but I think the number of people who came for a hot meal was over double than what was expected. The big question: how were we going to serve ALL of these people?

As servers, with hot food dished on paper-plates in hand, we ran back and forth from the kitchen to the seated guests. We had to inform the diners that only one plate of food could be brought out/served per customer (which was not the normal custom). There were many disappointing faces yet they understood. About half way through the night, my fiance and I went once again to check on the food supply. More and more individuals were filing in, needing a free hot meal. 

To our astonishment, the silver trays of Chinese food never when past half empty! We began to serve seconds and thirds. More and more people continued to seek refuge from the cold...AND THERE WAS ENOUGH!  Before our eyes, we witnessed a miracle! No one was "sneak cooking" or adding to the already prepared food...there literally was no more food to give. Yet God, SOMEHOW, made it enough!

To this day, I have NO IDEA how this even happened in practical terms. It literally happened before my eyes and I am still stunned. At the end of the night, there was more than enough food for ALL of the volunteers AND some food leftover as well. Amazing. 

This story reminds me that God will always provide! He does this in unexpected and surprising ways and in the end, all He asks is that we give Him glory for the work He has done.

What miracle(s) is God working on in your life right now? How might you be able to bless others because of the ways God has provided for you?

Amazing, isn't it?

Growing in Faith: You are NOT alone

I missed the mark in my grief after the events of Oliver unfolded almost four years ago. I remained in a self-focused, overwhelmed, negative mindset for months (and longer). I did the best that I could yet reflecting back, I know that God used Oliver to teach me SO MUCH about grief, community, friendships, serving and gratitude. I often fight the "If only".....  If only I could go back and do things differently. If only I could follow Jesus' example in Matthew 14.  It is no good playing the "what if" or "if only" game. BUT-- moving forward I have a choice. Let us learn from Jesus.....

In Matthew 14, Jesus learns His cousin, John the Baptist, was unfairly beheaded. A powerful man of God who prepared the way for Jesus. A man who baptized many and preached the Good News. A man who was a witness to Christ and His miracles....gone because of a selfish king. 

In His grief, Jesus "withdrew from there by boat to a remote place to be alone."  (v. 13). I am sure He cried, mourned and reflected on the life His cousin led. YET- in His grief, a crowd followed Him to that remote place. Selfish, ignorant or not (whatever their motives), the crowds interrupted this private, personal moment Jesus was striving for. Jesus must have wanted to be alone pretty bad (or else why would He have taken a boat across the water)?  

Yet, "when He went ashore, he saw a large crowd and had compassion on them, and healed their sick" (v. 14). Jesus then goes on to feed 5,000 (besides women and children).

In His grief, He served. In His pain, He gave back to others. In His private moment, He recognized the need of others.

I know that I wrote about this in a recent blog, but this lesson never gets old! I think WE need to serve each other! In a hurting church, hurting world, broken communities, fractured corporate infrastructure, difficult decisions having to be made ...how can we give of ourselves to those around us? Are we seeking out the needs of others and serving them with the gifts God has given us? In our pain, are we still choosing to serve?

A challenge for me: move past my challenges, difficulties and overwhelmed heart to serve those around me-- a text message, organizing a virtual tea with a neighbor, a handwritten letter, small gift dropped off on a doorstep, virtual book reading with my niece and nephew.  

 SERVE! There are many physical limitations in our world right now...yet God can work past them. God can WILL inspire you. God WILL bring to mind a creative idea. God WILL respond to you! Are you willing to ask Him? Are you willing to serve Him by serving others? Are you willing to be part of the solution to our hurting world? 

Brothers and Sisters--- Let us be BOLD. Let us be BRAVE to try new things to bring our world together. Just follow the example of Jesus.....

I am praying for you! (If you would like specific prayer, leave a comment or message me!!) 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Growing in Faith: No guarantees

 I think you would agree that the Bible is mysterious in so many ways. It lends itself to, at times, more questions that answers. Yet we know that God is in all things and in Him all things hold together. So, if this is the case, does faith and prayer really matter?

In Matthew 9:18-31, we read of two different accounts of four miraculous healing.

1. A woman who simply touches Jesus' robe and is healed
2. A dead, young girl whose hand was touched by Jesus became alive
3. Two blind men whose eyes were touched and then could see

The common factors I gather:

1. A willing, available & compassionate Jesus
   
2. Faith, prayer, request 
• A father's faith that Jesus can heal his beloved daughter; his request for Jesus to come--He showed up and made the young girl alive
  
• A woman's faith and action--just touching His garment (if I can JUST be near Him), I will be healed-- She was!
• The blind mens' faith and proclamation that Jesus could in fact heal them--they were!

It amazes me that despite who made the request, whether the person who was ill or someone requesting on the sick-persons behalf, Jesus responded. He healed! The young girl could not pray for herself, but the father was able--and he did! The results: she became alive! The woman in this story makes a silent request, puts her faith in action and is healed! The two men publicly and out loud declared their faith and presented their request...they were healed also!

I know that the Lord heals in many ways...sometimes He heals with a, "YES! I will heal you!" Sometimes He answers, "Not right now, child." Or even sometimes, He answers, "No, that is not in my will. I have other plans."

The unfortunate dilemma is that we do not know how He will respond until we act...until we pray and act out our faith. We have to learn to be okay with His "Yes" "No" "Maybe" "Not Right Now" response.

Are you willing to take the chance, to be vulnerable with Him and those around, to make your requests known? Are you willing to petition the Lord for the needs of those you love or those in your community? Do you believe that Jesus can heal you--whether it be physical or emotional? There is a risk either way: "what if I ask and He says no?" ..... Well, the reverse is also true-- What if you ask and he says YES!?!

There are no guarantees in our life, except this: Jesus loves you. Jesus came to this earth to live a perfect life so that you don't have to. Jesus died FOR YOU because He loves you and does not want you to be separate from God. If you love Jesus, you will spend FOREVER with Him. That is guarantee enough for me to seek Him first. It is guarantee enough for me to put my faith in Him and make my requests & the needs/requests of others known to Him.

Is it enough of a guarantee for you?

Growing in Faith: That is just too far....

That is just too far.....

I hear this from my kids all of the time when we are biking or hiking (especially on a new, unfamiliar trail). "It is too far." "Where is the end?" "Is it time to stop?" "I'm tired (even though we just started)."

Although is it not quite the same, in Matthew 5:38-42, Jesus calls us to walk the extra mile, go beyond what is requested, asked or demanded of us (whether it seems unfair or not). ...to go beyond what is expected or necessary. 

I am overwhelmed at this thought. "What, God? You want me to DO MORE?" In a season where I already feel burdened, I couldn't imagine stretching myself any more than I already am...but:

I do not believe this is what Jesus is asking of us. 

In context, Roman soldiers could demand any Jewish citizen to carry a load such as food or military equipment, for one Roman mile, as they traveled city to city. It was often forced on that unknowing citizen. It was hard, exhausting and at times excruciating. Why, then, would Jesus state, "And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two."

After prayer and reflection, here is what I came up with:

• As believers, we are called to highlight God. (When I worked in the corporate world, we called it "surprise and delight the customer"). Since going the second mile was uncommon, it would call the Roman solider to inquire as to why the citizen would voluntarily offer such a painful task.
• Going the extra mile displays generosity and expresses a deep unconditional compassion.
  
• Jesus calls us to take care of those around us. By taking their burden, even for just two "short" Roman miles, we are giving space for God to work in their lives in a different manner.
• We are to respect authority (even if we do not agree) and at the same time challenge authority, in a productive and meaningful way.
• Going the extra mile allows us to build (unexpected) relationships though shared experiences and otherwise uncommon connections.

If I had more time (and I wish I did), I am sure I could ponder this thought more. But work and children are beckoning....so, I will leave you with this:

How is Jesus calling you to "go the extra mile," remembering that it is not *doing more* or *adding more* to you list, but rather taking the opportunities presented to you daily as a means to glorify the Lord?

I challenge you to read this short passage for yourself in Scripture, asking God how you might apply this practice of going the extra mile. Is is easy? NO. Is it worth it.....ALWAYS.

 

Maranatha.

~B~

Growing a boy: We have a PRESCHOOLER! (almost)

Guess...what....

Oliver is registered for P R E S C H O O L !!!!!!!! In the fall, our sweet miracle will join the ranks of academia. Wow. To be honest, these thoughts were far from my mind. I never pictured him with a backpack and lunchbox walking into the school building. I never imagined him sitting at a desk, following instructions, doing science experiments, "writing," cutting with scissors or playing during recess. This is an amazing milestone. I am beyond excited to take those first day of school pictures in September.

We have a few "hurdles" to overcome before preschool can happen and one of those is potty training. We are -- SLOWLY -- on our way to make this happen but overall he is doing okay. When I talk to him about going to school, he is very excited.

Between now and then here is how you can pray for him (and us):

• Potty Training!! The goal is to have him 100% trained by the start of school in September.
• He needs to wear his glasses! (They got lost so we are currently waiting for his new pair to come in)
• Walking up and down stairs (with alternating feet) with limited support (aka without holding onto the rail).

In comparison to his birth story, these things are so so minor!

FUN FACT:  In 2020, Oliver is a Children's Miracle Network "Champion!"

• What does this mean: Every year, 170 local Children's Miracle Network Hospitals identify a “Champion” in each of their local communities to serve as the face for children treated at their local children's hospital. These ambassadors spend their year advocating for the charitable need of children's hospitals across North America.

At the end of the month we will be attending the Children's Miracle Network Summit to kick off this fantastic year. Be on the look out for his picture at your local Safeway, Costco, etc.

~B~

Getting Healthy: It's 5 am

My motherhood duties beckon me this morning at 5am. Not much sleep for the weary here. I comfort my youngest with a cozy blanket, a sippy cup of water in his crib and two rounds of "Twinkle Twinkle." Hoping to get at least another hour of sleep, I sneak back into bed with a heavy, sleeping husband who arrived home just two hours prior. Not being able to sleep next to his "deep sleep," I decide to take the treadmill for a whirl. Thanks for encouragement from Ray-Mau ;) I FINALLY listened to a saved podcast from three weeks ago!!!

My twenty-minute treadmill "speed" walk ended with my 4.5 year old startling me as she walked into my workout. It's now 5:40am and all three of my children are up....what is wrong with this!?! They used to sleep until 7am!! Seriously, can someone tell me if this is normal...I mean really...is it? Momma thought 5am would be a "safe" time to have some alone time. I am letting my 2 year old babble in his crib; I hear my 3 year old moving around in his bedroom but I DARE NOT check on him or game over; I sent my 4.5 year old back to her room for at least another 20-25 minute.

What I am doing is important. It is not only important for me but for my children as well. They need me to be healthy as much as I need me to be healthy. I am learning to be okay with this. I need to advocate for myself within my family so that I can be healthy.

FOCUS-- okay. So as I was walking I also realized that my "getting healthy" is trifold:

1. Spiritual Health
2. Emotional Health
3. Physical Health

For me, these areas are very much interconnected. Since the fall of 2018 I have been lacking in my spiritual health, unable to find a Bible Study or connection group that my little-ducklings can also be well taken care of while I am fed. I have not gotten into a routine at home that is sustainable yet I do teach my children daily about Jesus...for the next month we are focusing on the Fruit of the Spirit through song, craft and service. I guess in a way I am being feed through these activities. It just looks different from what I want it to me. (I am looking for suggestions, though....always! of a solid connection group I can join).

I am thankful I am once again emotionally healthy-ish after the last two years of dealing my "trauma-birth-brain."

And my physical health, point number three, which will be the main focus of this blog series with touches of the other two areas. I am so excited that I now have the mental space to be able to take care of myself and recognize my three "needs" areas.

BRASS TACKS:
Successes so far (okay, it has only been about 24-ish hours since making this declaration of getting healthy, but small successes compile to achieve the WHOLE goal!):

• I did two short workout videos yesterday (& my arms are now sore--VICTORY) and I did a treadmill walk this morning...maybe I can sneak a "goodnight" walk into my schedule 10 minutes before I go to bed!
• I ate soooo many veggies yesterday! I still have a VERY painful tooth so the thought of crunching veggies or consuming cold, juicy baby tomatoes is terrifying. BUT I did it....cucumber "sticks" YUM, sliced baby tomatoes in hummus, carrot chips---much easier to crunch.
• I drank water! After afternoon "rest time" (ha!), during dinner and during the Grey's Anatomy season finale. I love my water bottle. That makes drinking fun.

Facing today (well the rest of it):

• Limiting carbs (like unneeded crackers while my kids are snacking)
• Limiting extra dairy (sneaks of cheese slices)
• MORE veggies and MORE water

Okay, it is now 6:15am. I can no longer hold back the forces. Time to wakey-wake.

I hope you feel encouraged today too!


 

Sabbath Summer: The Fleeting Sun

The time is approaching. Our Fall schedules are once again filling and the rhythm of rush is pounding at our door. In many ways this summer has been a dream, a vacation from expectations and a mental re-set. A time to listen to God's convictions, seek deeper friendships and enjoy my kids without the pressure of work or mounds of pre-planned activities. Our family schedule was filled with slow, easy wake-ups, breakfast for dinner and extended bedtimes to enjoy just a little more outside play before the sun set. Certainly a breathe of fresh air.

Now, today, we get to make a choice. Will we open the door to the rhythm of rush or will we fight back the loud bangs on the door to strive towards this life of sabbath--- rest and peace.

It seems like an easy decision, right? But as the days tick closer to September the banging gets louder, activities increase and it seems everyone and every activity to teeming at your door. So, what do you do?

GO. TO. PRAYER.

In prayer, our family has been asking God these questions:

• What is YOUR desire for our family?
• What activities will bring us closer to YOU, God?
• What decisions about schedules will teach and display YOUR love through us?
• What boundaries do we need to create to protect our hearts and minds, reserving them first to GOD then family then everything else?
• What can we eliminate in our life that will allow us to be more present?

The reality is: our life is HIS. My life is not about pleasing myself or doing all the things "I WANT" to do (because they seem fun or easy or just because 'everyone' is participating). The things God calls us to can be hard, uncomfortable, unfamiliar. AND this summer I have learned that that is okay.

In the beginning of this Sabbath Summer I sought to change my thinking about life, my relationship with God and friends and find satisfaction and gratitude if what God has given me. Overall, I feel this mission was a success yet in other ways God still needs to change my heart.We are all in process, after all.

Through this journey I have learned much about myself (some icky and some great things). I'm looking forward to seeking God more, asking Him to establish my life. Moving forward I pray for motivation: daily prayer, daily scripture reading, continuing to love my husband, kids and friends best I can and be motivated to have better eating & exercise habits. I pray for HIS strength to hold back the loud bangs and unending pressure of pursuing activity over relationship--to be more present and enjoy the gifts of this Garden of Eden. But in order to enjoy the garden, we must resist the off-limit fruit. Whatever that off-limit fruit is--- RESIST IT! God has so much more, so much better for us.

So...here is to FALL INVITATION: Resist and Enjoy...accepting God's decisions for my life rather then setting my mind of the earthy, temporal things that only leave fleeting satisfaction. Join me?

Sabbath Summer: OH NO! My phone is full!

"PRAISE THE LORD! My phone's memory is full!"

When I started this Sabbath Summer journey in May, those certainly were not words you would have heard coming out of my mouth but almost three months later I find it to be a joy that my phone's memory is full. And here is why:

Prior to this journey many people would often comment on how much I would post on social media and my craze for always having to capture the moment on camera. It's true. My husband, who is not on social media, would also frequently comment that everyone knows so much about our lives that it left little room for actually "catching up." I mean, why would you need to catch up if your whole life is on display for everyone to witness and in the front row at that! Convicted by this and the growing evil in the world, the momma bear came out in me. First and foremost I want to protect my children. Next, I wanted to cultivate deep, authentic relationships which would happen face-to-face instead of screen-to-screen.

I started by first deleting the offending phone app (I am sure you can all guess what that is). From there, I stopped posting all together for a period of time and made a pact to myself to only log-on when at an actual computer. It worked! Next, I decided to put my phone down. Instead of being known as the one who instantly returns text messages, I found that I would have 7, 8 or even 9 or more unread messages at the nights end. I saw this as a victory.

With my children, I also began to think about them as young grade schoolers. Did they give me permission to post their lives so publicly for the world to see? Is it an invasion of THEIR privacy in which I have spoken for them by making a decision that it was okay to be so open with so many strangers about THEIR lives? With the increase in child-trafficking, I want to leave little room for someone to go after my three precious littles when so much information is already easily available (and some of it from me!!). How scary!

Not to mention the vast amount pictures and videos I have accumulated. I create family "year" books and even at that there are SO many pictures I max out the page numbers AND picture limit every year. I found that I often remember the picture of an event before I remember the actual event. I would like this to change. This has been a hard one for me and a habit/mind-set that I have had for almost two decades. Yet, with a full phone memory, it helps me stay present and embrace the ordinary making is permanent in my mind rather than a picture.

I recently read an article about a teacher who posed the journal prompt, "I don't like cell phones because...." The results were sad, convicting and eye opening. Her grade school students made comments like, "I wish phones were never invented." "My parents care more about their phones than me." "Phones are more important than I will ever be." WOW! Is this the generation that we are creating? Are these the feelings we are making our children have by being a phone-obsessed generation? I want to choose different for my children. Tonight I asked my daughter this, "Does mommy spend too much or not even time on her phone?" In the same feeling as the children above, she said, "too much mommy." Even with a valiant attempt, I am still on or near my phone too much. I am so glad my 4-year, in her honesty, told me how she felt. It is a reminder of the greater thing in life--relationship. One day my daughter (and my sons for that matter!) will be grown, having her own friends, hopefully in college, and  working. She may be married. She might even move out of the state...so WHAT AM I DOING!?! Wasting theses precious moments in time tied to a "meaningless" device that brings great separation between me and those I love the most. Please, do not mishear me. I think phones are fantastic! I love snapping pictures, calling, connecting through messaging/FaceTime and even the ability to do a quick web-search. Brilliant...but when phones take the place of (or overshadow) important relationships and being present then this inanimate object has GOT to take the backseat.

Obviously, I still have a ways to go in this area (as convicting as my daughter's response was!). Yet today, victory! My phone's memory is full. If you asked those you love the same question, what would their response be?

Sabbath Summer: "Buying" My Kids

Sticking close to home has some amazing treasures-- staying in our PJs most of the day, enjoying the new, soft green grass in the backyard, endless laps run around our house and even a few visits to the fire station down the street and the play park at the school next door.

But in an attempt to make our home "more appealing" to the kids (as if the overflowing toy bin and the litter of outdoor toys isn't enough), I have found myself trying to make everything "special" which usually means adding in more sweet treats than usual, bending the rules, or purchasing "fun little" gifts to bring my kids "endless" joy. I realized that I have been trying to "buy" my kids instead of enjoying my kids...like having relationship isn't sweet enough on its own. This is a costly danger in more than one way!

Maybe this is where I have gone wrong in so many of my personal friendships too...expecting great "things" instead of the more simple, more authentic and more beautiful "things"-- conversation and connection.

There is a difference between the occasional surprise or the occasional "I will bend the rules about TV Friday and let you watch a show" kind of allowance but when it becomes a lifestyle, a go-to, it looses its "special-ness" and it truly takes away from the bond between a mother and child, father and child or a friend and friend. There becomes this expectation that, if unmet, leads to dissatisfaction. In truth, God is the only one who can truly satisfy us. No amount of worldly things (or sweet treats) can ever fill the void of longing/acceptance we have except for God. 

Am I trying to be "god" to my child by trying to satisfy them in a way that only God can? Am I just pacifying them with treats as a means to just survive the day (trust me, some days this is TOTALLY worth it and okay)? Am I trying to earn their favor by being the "good-guy" through bent rules or exceptions? Whatever the reason, I know that money (or sweet surprises) will never be the solution. I also know that giving gifts as a means of love is a very slippery slope...once you start sliding down it is very difficult to stop. I want to teach our kids to love me (and others) for who I am (they are) not what my children can get from me (others). It is not about what a person can give you but rather who they are...hoping for deep and authentic connections through conversation and shared experiences. Again, don't hear me wrong, it can bring both the giver and receiver great joy in the thoughtfulness of gifts yet it should not be the primary means of expression of love. Really, what is comes down to is the heart motive.

So, where do I go from here? Honestly, I don't know. Maybe by starting to see "special" in our every day traditions like our devotions around the breakfast table or the "special-ness" of our post-dinner walk to feed the chickens across the street. It is about quality time engaging with my children, being present and listening to what interests them and playing into those interests.  It is about asking my children for help as we prepare meals or make a grocery list...engaging in the simply everyday tasks and focusing on those things. Bringing life back into focus of the "root-of-family" that binds us together and brings our focus to the Lord, serving Him and serving the others around us. The adage, seek to serve, is one that I wish to teach my children. I want to serve them (and those around me). I desire my children to do that same. To do this, I must stop "buying" them with excessive "special-ness" and bent rules by focusing on just loving them for them...not what I can give them or what they can give to me in return but just love them for them.

Happy Sabbath Summer!

2018: My "reset" year

10 days into the New Year...I have made some pretty loft resolutions.

As I reflect backwards on the year before, I also dream about the year ahead.

My "backwards" year sure was eventful... discovered I was pregnant, took two trips to Canada and one road trip to Idaho, dealt with a house flood, birthed a baby who was born unexpectedly early with hours and days spent in and out of the hospital (not knowing if he would live or die), potty trained, my oldest starting preschool, attended two professional ballets, turned 35 and adjusted to being a family of 5 while both my husband and I work full-time. (And these are just a "few" highlights of 2017).

It was probably the toughest year I have endured to-date. EVERY WEEK offered a new challenge which allowed us to press deeper into God and sacrifice so much of ourselves to serve others and take care of the "things" (material and relational) God has gifted us with.

In 2018, my resolutions are big... focusing first on God. Trying to live more radically for Him by getting rid of the excessive physical clutter to make room to mentally focus on relationships.  My desire is to be more intentional about serving those around (my husband and kids included) by a willingness to be "inconvenienced" to obey the calling/directing of the Holy Spirit. It is a big resolution that can only be fulfilled IN Him.

My other "big" resolution is to take just a little better care of myself. It might seem silly to you but I realized I sacrifice so much for my family that I forget to take care of my basic needs... so at the risk of TMI, here are my other 2018 goals: washing my face every night; brushing and flossing TWICE per day instead of just once; being more active (I have been walking laps around my backyard as the kids jump on the trampoline...not exactly how I pictured working out but at least it is exercise); drinking more water and less coffee; and shaving my legs more (silly, I know).

So, here is to a "reset" year. Striving more fiercely towards God and taking better care of myself to being more intentional. It feels good to write these things down, to remember where God has taken me and where He wants me to go.

What about you? What are your big (and small) resolutions in 2018?

Growing a family: Getting rid of it all

It has been a process over the last 2 1/2 + years. It has been painstaking, forsaking things that once brought me so much joy. It has been a process of reclaiming my mental space in the midst of my physical world: decluttering.

I go through phases of my "get rid of it all" rampage. Yesterday was one of those days. I boxed up half the toys and up to the attic they went for future sorting/donating. And did my kids notice today? Not at all.

My closet is another one of "those" spaces. Only 6-months postpartum I still have high hopes that I will fit into my old "skinny" jeans (a reality I am not sure about after having 3 kids!) yet I still have a plastic tote stored away of my "when I am healthy and back in shape" clothes. The remaining items are things that kinda fit...maybe if I squeeze in, don't eat or better yet don't move. Others have small tears or snags from the laundry machine while other just don't fit me properly anymore but for the lack of anything better they take up valuable drawer space.

Oh, the kitchen! How many gadgets and trinkets have collected over the 7 years we have lived in this house. Do I really need that lemon squeezer thingy. What about old knives that no longer cut but were given as a gift. The countless unused plastic bowls and utensils. To be honest, I only use a handful of tools because, lets face it, with three kids aged 3 years of age and under plus working full-time while being a full-time stay at home mommy does not lead itself to much cooking.

So in order to create some type of control over my physical stuff, I purge. I am finding that the less material possessions I have, the more thankful I am for what I do have...the more I appreciate it, use it and enjoy it.

As I go through my clothes, I find that the struggle and stress of getting ready in the morning is slowly shrinking the more the number of items in my closet shirk. I have found that I also do less laundry too! Both a perk!  My eventual goal is to create a capsule wardrobe consisting about 50 items...if anyone wants to come over and help me with this one, I am more than willing to accept!

The toys feel like an endless battle, though. Almost like something that is not mine for the taking... yet also something the little creatures in my house don't always pick up after or take care of. Although the amount of toys has been reduced, it seems like a losing battle. We have become more selective on what we bring into our house and have created an easy organizational system which allows toys to be easily stored and retrieved. I have tried the "rotate the toys" thing but for me it feels like move the clutter from one spot to moving the clutter to the attic. I think this is an area we will always have to work on.

Keeping a "get-rid-of-bin" in an easily accessible location has helped this process greatly. I no longer have things piles in the car, attic and the basement. There is a one-point collection.

Throughout this process, God has been teaching me and reminding me that He is more than enough. That my abundance is a blessing from Him and in my abundance, I need to share. These lessons transfer well into the conversations I now have with my children...not only teaching them gratitude for what they have but also generosity as we share what He has given us. It brings up many points about need vs. want. It reminds me that God wants me to not just give from my abundance but to sacrifice to Him. It helps me check my motives and desires before I purchase something. Decluttering and purging creates space for me to spend more time with my family rather than just managing, cleaning, folding, and putting away stuff. I recently asked myself what I spend the most time doing in my daily life....the honest answer what shocking. How can I refocus on what REALLY matters, spending less time managing my stuff? Getting rid of it.

Growing a boy: Thankfulness from a dad's perspective

Thankfulness

By Tyler Harrington

What does God mean in scripture to be thankful?  Why should I be thankful when my son is fighting for his life and hasn’t even been born?  Why should I be thankful that my wife’s abdomen is so stretched she can’t even walk, sleep, or even roll over? She is in intense pain, battling the anxious thought that our son could die inside of her or shortly after giving birth.  We are so helpless, why be thankful?

These were questions that were running through my head a few days ago.  I sat in the hospital bed, lackadaisical, just wasting time watching Netflix.  Then I heard the news, Ollie had fluid in his belly where it shouldn’t be.  From what I remember from medical school that mean he only had about a 25% chance of survival.  For the first time, I hit my knees in prayer.  It saddened me at that moment, that it took the very real thought of loosing him for me to actually turn to God.  Every time the Doctor said “This is looking pretty bleak,”  God kept saying “It is my face you should seek.”  The survival odds got better with each negative test, and I was reassured by my wife saying “God has knit this child together in my womb just the way he wanted him to be.”  God comforted me with the revelation that He doesn’t operate under the limitations of odds ratios and bleak outlooks.  I was starting to see something to be thankful for.

Having left for the hospital in a hurry, I did not bring my bible.  Now in the midst of a war I was craving God’s word more then ever.  When I asked our friend, she lent me her Bible without hesitation.  As I turned through the pages, I was able to see the many ways God had worked in her life and lessons she had been taught.  It was her personal bible that she had spent years highlighting and reading. It was so encouraging to see that God knows us each individually and meets each of us where we are at.  He is big enough to do that.  I flipped through the pages and started reading one of my daughter’s favorite passages, Dan 6, Daniel and the Lion’s Den.  The Lord showed me something in 6:10.  After the King had made the edict if anyone worships someone other then the king, that person shall be thrown into the lion’s den.  Daniels response:

When Daniel knew that the document had been signed, he went to his house where he had windows in his upper room open toward Jerusalem.  He got down on his knees three times a day and prayed and gave thanks before his God, as he had done previously. Dan 6:10

Did you catch that, a law came down that would surely sentence him to being kitty food and he gave God thanks.  His faith in God was not changed by the trial, he did what he always did.  Daniel went to speak with his Father, he gave thanks in the midst of the trial.  I am reminded of Romans 8:28:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

If you look at the end of Daniel 6, the king, having seen God’s power in action and Daniel’s faith, makes a new declaration:

26 “I make a decree, that in all my royal dominion people are to tremble before the God of Daniel, for he is the living God, enduring forever;

his kingdom shall never be destroyed, and his dominion shall be to the end.

27 He delivers and rescues;

he works signs and wonders in heaven and on earth,

he who has saved Daniel from the power of the lions.”

So I echo that statement to myself and all who are reading this.  As we trust God, as we press forth into the unknown, as we continually lift up Ollie and Brandi to only one who can save them.  He delivers and rescues; he works signs and wonders in heaven and on earth, Amen!

Thank you for joining us in this battle.  I look forward to the testimony that God is building in us and through us, no matter the outcome.  And most of all…  I look forward to introducing you to our son.

What Does It Mean: Making Time for "Me"

Yesterday was a luxury. My husband "gave me" the morning off from our sick kids so I could sneak out of the house to grade papers at Starbucks and run a few errands. It was an effort to get out of the house since I have been under the weather too but I desperately needed to get away.

I set-up shop at Starbucks with my piping hot coffee, steaming breakfast sandwich and laptop. It only took me an hour and a half to get caught up on emails and papers. I was excited to go to clothing shopping for the kids at the very last Quarter Sale at my favorite consignment shop followed by a quick trip to the Dollar Store to buy supplies for our upcoming neighborhood gathering.

Three hours later, I walked in the door to chaos. Children crying, house a mess, a husband rushing around trying to get out the door to hang out with a friend.

I sat on the couch scarfing down my leftover pizza accompanied by the screeches and cries of my 1 and 2 1/2 year old children who were "napping." What a relaxing homecoming. I wish I could say I felt refreshed and energized after my three hours away but I came home exhausted. Maybe it is being 24-weeks pregnant, recovering from being sick or the lack of sleep at night from my "I don't want to sleep at night" 1-year-old son. Either way it was not what I anticipated.

As I sat on the couch eating I began to think, "what does it mean to take time for me?" Reflecting on the day, I realized the my morning was filled with doing things for other people: grading papers for my students, shopping for clothing for my kids, buying supplies for my neighbors. Although I enjoy all of those things and they do bring me satisfaction to an extent...it was busy and non-refreshing.

So, what does it mean to take time for me?

Becoming a mother has changed how I think about time for me.

Here are 11 new ways I have discovered, "What it means to make time for me:"

1. Taking a nap while the kids are sleeping.
2. Enjoying a HOT cup of coffee while reading a quick devo or a page of a book as the kids eat breakfast.
3. Watching Grey's Anatomy on Thursday nights while folding laundry (side note: this past weeks episode was so disappointing).
4. Calling a friend to catch-up since getting together is a huge challenge with sickness, nap schedules, etc.
5. Shopping without the kids, regardless of what I am buying.
6. The splurge to get a pedicure...ALONE. (My husband supports this habit monthly when I am pregnant...I'm a blessed girl).
7. Sitting in church service on Sundays and Tuesdays (with childcare) as I connect with others who share my beliefs. 
8. Taking a few extra minutes to wash my face in the morning and evening...I LOVE my new Arbonne Products!
9. Blogging :) as my oldest plays on the floor and my son sleeps.
10. Dancing along side my daughter in her mommy & me ballet class.
11. Buying the "expensive" laundry soap and scent boosters for my clothing. It brings me joy to have the fresh, long lasting scent lingering on my clothes. 

Whether you are a mother or not, work full-time or not, it can be hard to make time for "me." How do you do it? What do you do? Please leave comments here. I am always looking for new ways to make time to rest, reflect and rejuvenate in the craziness we call life!

Be blessed.

Pt. 2: When It Rains It Pours: The hardest season of life

The kids are down for the night. Husband is working late (until at least 1am). And I am drinking some peppermint tea in hopes of soothing my very sore and swollen throat. As I snuck in a shower, I began to reflect on my previous blog and all that this hard season is and has been teaching me...to be honest, something I have not done until just a few moments ago.

It is easy to complain about where God has us or just plain forget that God always has a plan. So, I am choosing to have a different attitude (...thanks for letting me vent in my past posting).

Trials, hard seasons, whatever you want to call them...they test us. I have found that four areas of my life have been testing quiet a lot in these past months:

1. My Faith
2. My Marriage
3. My Family
4. My Friends

1. My Faith: I wish I could say that I have been on my knees everyday petitioning to God about all the happenings in my life. I haven't. Who has time? (I cringe as I type that last question). I was so caught up in just surviving, especially this past month, that I have spent little to no time diving in the WORD myself. Conviction! I know that God is always with me and He guides my path everyday...I have seen glimpses of Him controlling my tongue or my attitude towards my kids or husband or making a way for me to get my grading done or prepare for my son's first birthday but it is sad that this, my faith, has not been my top priority. My faith in Jesus grounds me. Gives me peace. Gives me hope. Helps me put life into proper perspective. To serve others and look beyond what I consider "horrible" circumstances. I certainly have been failing this part of the "test" but I am thankful that His mercies renew everyday and that I love Jesus and He loves me without a checklist of dos and don'ts. Seriously, thank you Jesus!

2. My Marriage: Like ships passing in the night (or at the front door), I can certainly say that this is not the strongest point our marriage has ever seen. So many changes have happened (and will happen) in these months that it literally has felt like a bunch of mini-business interactions, logistics of getting life sorted out and taken care of. Date night has been nonexistent, minus last Monday when we went to the Banff Film Festival. We both have been sick, taking turns of course, and as a result, the other has willingly taken up the slack of the grocery shopping, laundry, child care, etc. Text messages have taken the place of most face-to-face conversations due to necessity of our schedules. When will life slow down? I am thankful for all of the pictures we have posted around our house of our great adventures, some local some aboard. They remind me of who we were as a couple, who I want us to be and all of the great qualities I love about the man I married nearly 7 years ago. We are certainly in it for the long haul. I am SO thankful to have him by myself and fighting for us just as hard as I am!  This is not a test I will fail! :)

3. My Family: First, my children. What a blessing and joy they truly are. They both have such unique and amazing personalities that come out more and more everyday. It is a privilege to shepherd them and get a front row seat to view of every stage of development. Although I feel as though I have ages YEARS since having them due to sleepless nights and the worries that most parents have, I would not trade this journey in for anything. Being a mother to them, especially in this hard season, has taught me more about love, patience, respect and noticing the details. (Trust me, the love and patience things is a HUGE test with a 2-year old and an 11-month old who wants to chew on everything and destroy everything). It has offered me the new perspective of seeing these changes from their world's view instead of mine. It has allowed me to include them in the craziness of life as we deal with life and death, rearrange our house to accommodate a new baby brother or sister and to teach about giving as we sort through to get rid of toys/clothes/etc. It is a learning opportunity in which I can teach them both how to handle life's hard circumstances with grace. It is an opportunity to teach them about praying for those arounds them who might also be struggling with change and transition. Secondly, this hard season has tested the relationships we have with our immediate families. I am thankful for our immediate families who have so willingly taken the kids or sent text messages just to see how we are. It is a true testament to all those popular and well known says that we can lean on family in hard times. This is so true.

4. My Friends: In prior seasons, I have spent so much more time investing into friendships than I have in the past three months. I would arrange coffee or play dates, social gatherings or group events. I have been slacking in this area. Although my heart is craving this authentic one-on-one or group time with my closest friends, I just have not have the room in my mind to plan or take care of one more event. (But please, if you want to get together, please let me know!!!). A few friends in this particular season have really stepped up when our family needed it the most. (Literally) offering a shoulder to cry on, a good meal, or care for both of our kids so we could take care of the responsibilities that come with being an adult. Some friendships have been but aside with little to no interaction while others have seemingly survived with the occasional text message here or there. Despite the different seasons we (as humans) go through, often times our friendships go through seasons too. I must say that I have been so INCREDIBLY grateful for those who have personally invested their lives with our durning this hard season...who get it without having to ask questions or without needing an explanation for the reason I just might not seem "happy" on a particular day. It reminds me of Proverbs 18:24 "...but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." So for those of you who have done this for us, we are so, so grateful for your love and partnership as we share in this journey of life.

So there you have it...for now. I know there are many, MANY other areas of my life being tested (such as full-time-work vs. full-time-life balance and becoming a mother of three under three among other topics listed above), but for now, I rejoice! COME ON! It is Christmas time! A time when we get to focus of the miraculous gift of Baby Jesus...the amazing life Jesus lived and what He taught us through that life that carries on today. So, if you are facing a hard season: pray, focus on your marriage and those relationships that matter most. Learn to count your blessings and surround yourself with those who will willingly walk though life without...with no judgement or hesitation but but pure love, honesty and grace.

Peace be upon you, my friends.