Resist & Enjoy: Unexpected blessing--we are buying a house

Life (God) has an interesting way of showing up, shaking things around and creating new out of old or broken.

He has done that for our family in this season. He has given us a do-over. A fresh start. New routines and new rhythms. He has taught us to let go of not just the hardships of the last 18+ months but also how to let go of our physical stuff...living with less stuff so we can live with more HIM. It is freeing.

In mid-September I was casually looking at houses online. It was a Saturday morning. My daughter was sick and I too was at the beginning of contracting some sort of fall-cold. I laid on the couch, computer in hand, browsing the real estate websites. My fingers stopped clicking when I saw pictures of this 5-bedroom home. I immediately showed my husband. He was also enthralled.  With a little over an hour before he had to go to work he suggested we load up the family and simply drive by...sick and all. I conceded and before I knew it we were all buckled in driving towards the Green House.

Behold, they were hosting an open house. Wait, what? We just wanted to drive by! Unloading our three kids in the rain, we entered what would a month later be our "forever" home. The kids instantly felt comfortable...running around and claiming space. Looking at each other, my husband and I called our realtor and put in an offer.

Sunday came and we excitedly waited to hear the news. Our hearts were set and peace covered over me. I knew the instant I saw pictures of this house online that our family would dwell in it. Around 5pm the call came through...they accepted another offer for $3000 LESS than our offer. Our hearts sank BUT I still held onto this peace I had, asking God, "How are you going to work this out because I KNOW that this is our new home."

Monday morning came. As I was leaving an appointment with one of the kids my husband calls. "Do you still want to buy a house?" I thought, perhaps, our realtor had found another comparable house to the one we just lost. But that was not the case. The couple who had put the offer in on the Green House had some type of fight and withdrew their offer. Wait, what?!?! As the next in line it was our choice if we wanted to purchase this home. It was amazing to feel so confident in knowing that this house was a gift from the Lord. So, we moved forward.

As we continued to pray over this decision, God was showing us the gift this house would be to us...a chance to let go of the many tragedies of the past few years both with Oliver and other events.  The opportunity to host large functions in the vast backyard (over 1/2 acre!). The space to finally host a proper dinner party or holiday function at a REAL table rather than the wobbly fold-up tables we have been using (although there was a LOT of joy and rich conversation around those tables....those days will be missed for certain!). The joy of connecting with new neighbors and the hope of connecting our neighborhood the way we have connected our current one.

Built in 1955 we are only the third owners. Life has happened in this house. Kids and grandkids enjoyed all that it offers and when you walk into the house you can feel this love and passion and appreciation. It is a place I want to be.

Four days after our offer was accepted a friends came over in the evening to watch a TV program. Catching her up on the news of recent events I began to tell her how we would have to put our current house on the market, stage our home all while packing it up and moving to our new location. Her eyes brightened and she began to ask many questions. She even took several peeks around the house during the commercials. At the end of our evening she asked if her and her husband could come over the next day to take a closer look. Of course, I said yes. They did. A few days later, after getting their finances in order, they told us that they wanted to buy our house! Another WAIT?! WHAT??! moment was happening. God really does know how to do things, right?

The next week our family was in Disneyland: celebrating our 8th anniversary, Oliver's 1/2 birthday and the purchase of this unexpected blessing-- selling & purchasing a house! A few days before we came home from California, the offer on our current house was signed and submitted. We had a POD moving unit dropped off two days after we arrived back home and the packing began.

On Friday, Oct. 26th we received the keys to our "forever" home, the Green House. We could not be more thrilled or more overjoyed. The Lord has showered us with His favor and blessings, making it clear every step of the way that He has been protecting us, that He sees us and that He knows what we need (and what our friends needed too!).

There are not many times in life when you get a do-over. We certainly are not taking this for granted. This home is a symbol of God's faithfulness to us. It is a reminder of His presence in our lives. It is a sign-post for us--to look outward, no longer focusing on mere survival but to engage--being willing to have tough conversations, re-dedicate to certain friendships and ask forgiveness in others. It is a chance to allow God to create our new pathway and also just to simply enjoy HIM for who He is.

From a hard season to a season of overflowing JOY there is still much work in our hearts to be done. There are still hurts we are processing through and some hurts we are still right in the middle of yet despite these things, God is reminding me (us) that I am His and He is mine. He knows what we need and when we need it. He surely takes care of those He loves.

Resist & Enjoy: When you can't do either

This past week I have not done much "resisting" the rush or "enjoying" the life season we are in. I had great hopes for "Pumpkin Spice" season after a refreshing Summer Sabbath. But...

In plain words, life this past few weeks has sucked (and I don't ever use that word!).

The things I hoped for failed. The relationships I tried to build halted to a stop. Rejection slapped my face at least a dozen times and my children, those little darlings, are testing every bit of everything left that I have (which, to be honest, isn't a lot).

I ask the question with arms thrown to the sky, "God, what in the WORLD are you doing?"

The striping, the taking away, the pruning, the frustration....there has to be a purpose, right?

In this moment, God reminds me of this song "Closer" by Bethel Live:

Pull me a little closer
Take me a little deeper
I want to know Your heart
I want to know Your heart
`Cause Your love is so much sweeter
Than anything I've tasted
I want to know Your heart

I know God's character. I know that He is always at work. I know that His ways are not my ways but in my flesh today I cry out, "WHY GOD!!" In someways I resemble my toddler throwing a fit on the floor and in other ways I have simply just run out of productive ways to cope. We continue to wait, writhing, for God to reveal His plan for our family. In this time, I pull closer to God, not understanding what He is doing but rather knowing that at least He is doing something...even if I can not see it. We trust. We wait. We persevere. We pull back so that we can be plugged into the Source of all Rest and the Source of all Joy...the person Jesus.

Maranatha

Resist & Enjoy: A new kinda hard

Our schedule is back to full-swing, so to speak. All of our obligations have occurred at least once and we are on our way to a "normalized" routine (although every day still looks different).

Last year was one of the hardest of my life, filled with doubts and unknowns about our youngest and the stress of keeping up with work and life while raise two other toddlers.

This year we enter "pumpkin spice" season with a very new toddler at 1.5 years, an almost 3-yr old and a 4-yr old. Busy and overwhelming to say the least. I sit on the floor today almost in tears, feeling as if I can't keep up with these little treasures and work and maintain a household and a life. Not sure what to do, I bury my head in my hands and pray. What we "should" be doing is playing outside, enjoying the last few glimpses of the sunny weather. Guilt over takes me. But why?

I feel inadequate to the mother of these children. Words escape me when they need them the most and my tired body drags through the motions of lunch, dinner, bedtime...you want PB&J for lunch an dinner? Sure! That fits into the "healthy" food category, right? These things seem to matter less and less to me. Guilt again...because I SHOULD care about heathy, well-balanced meals. I try.

The days before us are busy but God is faithful. He is adequate. He has allowed me to mother these children. I cozy into Him for His extra grace, gentle pat on the back and a moments relief from the tantrums and toys being thrown around me. Thank you, Jesus, for my life! It could have been so much different. We could have only had two children, not three. I could be unemployed. We could not have a church or a place to live or..... this list of gratitude runs deep. So, here is to living life FOR Jesus and WITH Jesus, embracing the hard times and rejoicing in them. This season is just a new kind of hard but I am so grateful for it. May He get the glory. Amen.

Resist & Enjoy: What does "important" mean?

It's not yet halfway through September. The schedule is full, I am forgetting things and the rhythm of rush has pushed through my front door (Man! I thought I locked it tight!). So here we are. FALL.

Swimming, ballet, gymnastics. Work, dating my spouse, playing with my kids, friendships, exercise. Bible study, ministry leader, personal quiet time. Planning dinner, planning activities, planning....planning....planning.

But it should. be. different.

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

On a Sunday not long ago, our pastor pointed out that Jesus was never in a rush. Wow! How powerful! What can I do my life differently, like Jesus?

RELATIONSHIP. FOCUS.

In my personal study time today, here is what God revealed to me about His way: 

"How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone. What you ought to say is, “If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.” Otherwise you are boasting about your own pretentious plans, and all such boasting is evil." James 4:14-16

By spending TIME with Jesus, He can renew my mind. When my mind is renewed, I will no longer stress about all of the planning but rather rejoice in TODAY...after all, that is all we are promised, right? Wow does that change things just a wee-bit, huh?

I am also seeing this concept of time in a different way (living in today) when my daughter started her second year of preschool. Driving her to her first day I realized that one-day, not far off, all three of my children will be in "all-day school"......!!!!! Wait?! WHAT? In just a few years? THE DISHES CAN WAIT! I only have 1,095 more days until my three kids are in school?! Three years. It's not much time, regardless on how big the number looks. My 4-year-old proved that. So, priorities. 

What matters?

RELATIONSHIP.

As my handsome husband says, "The important stuff will get done." I think I have misinterpreted the "important" for the tasks of life. Focus. Focus! FOCUS! My relationship with God is of the utmost importance. My spouse and children are of the utmost importance....

Let's pause. Invite God into our heart and mind. Focus. Intention. Fellowship, Friendship. The important stuff will get done. We just need to re-prioritize what "important" means.

Live in joy today (and always). 
Peace.

Sabbath Summer: The Fleeting Sun

The time is approaching. Our Fall schedules are once again filling and the rhythm of rush is pounding at our door. In many ways this summer has been a dream, a vacation from expectations and a mental re-set. A time to listen to God's convictions, seek deeper friendships and enjoy my kids without the pressure of work or mounds of pre-planned activities. Our family schedule was filled with slow, easy wake-ups, breakfast for dinner and extended bedtimes to enjoy just a little more outside play before the sun set. Certainly a breathe of fresh air.

Now, today, we get to make a choice. Will we open the door to the rhythm of rush or will we fight back the loud bangs on the door to strive towards this life of sabbath--- rest and peace.

It seems like an easy decision, right? But as the days tick closer to September the banging gets louder, activities increase and it seems everyone and every activity to teeming at your door. So, what do you do?

GO. TO. PRAYER.

In prayer, our family has been asking God these questions:

• What is YOUR desire for our family?
• What activities will bring us closer to YOU, God?
• What decisions about schedules will teach and display YOUR love through us?
• What boundaries do we need to create to protect our hearts and minds, reserving them first to GOD then family then everything else?
• What can we eliminate in our life that will allow us to be more present?

The reality is: our life is HIS. My life is not about pleasing myself or doing all the things "I WANT" to do (because they seem fun or easy or just because 'everyone' is participating). The things God calls us to can be hard, uncomfortable, unfamiliar. AND this summer I have learned that that is okay.

In the beginning of this Sabbath Summer I sought to change my thinking about life, my relationship with God and friends and find satisfaction and gratitude if what God has given me. Overall, I feel this mission was a success yet in other ways God still needs to change my heart.We are all in process, after all.

Through this journey I have learned much about myself (some icky and some great things). I'm looking forward to seeking God more, asking Him to establish my life. Moving forward I pray for motivation: daily prayer, daily scripture reading, continuing to love my husband, kids and friends best I can and be motivated to have better eating & exercise habits. I pray for HIS strength to hold back the loud bangs and unending pressure of pursuing activity over relationship--to be more present and enjoy the gifts of this Garden of Eden. But in order to enjoy the garden, we must resist the off-limit fruit. Whatever that off-limit fruit is--- RESIST IT! God has so much more, so much better for us.

So...here is to FALL INVITATION: Resist and Enjoy...accepting God's decisions for my life rather then setting my mind of the earthy, temporal things that only leave fleeting satisfaction. Join me?

Sabbath Summer: OH NO! My phone is full!

"PRAISE THE LORD! My phone's memory is full!"

When I started this Sabbath Summer journey in May, those certainly were not words you would have heard coming out of my mouth but almost three months later I find it to be a joy that my phone's memory is full. And here is why:

Prior to this journey many people would often comment on how much I would post on social media and my craze for always having to capture the moment on camera. It's true. My husband, who is not on social media, would also frequently comment that everyone knows so much about our lives that it left little room for actually "catching up." I mean, why would you need to catch up if your whole life is on display for everyone to witness and in the front row at that! Convicted by this and the growing evil in the world, the momma bear came out in me. First and foremost I want to protect my children. Next, I wanted to cultivate deep, authentic relationships which would happen face-to-face instead of screen-to-screen.

I started by first deleting the offending phone app (I am sure you can all guess what that is). From there, I stopped posting all together for a period of time and made a pact to myself to only log-on when at an actual computer. It worked! Next, I decided to put my phone down. Instead of being known as the one who instantly returns text messages, I found that I would have 7, 8 or even 9 or more unread messages at the nights end. I saw this as a victory.

With my children, I also began to think about them as young grade schoolers. Did they give me permission to post their lives so publicly for the world to see? Is it an invasion of THEIR privacy in which I have spoken for them by making a decision that it was okay to be so open with so many strangers about THEIR lives? With the increase in child-trafficking, I want to leave little room for someone to go after my three precious littles when so much information is already easily available (and some of it from me!!). How scary!

Not to mention the vast amount pictures and videos I have accumulated. I create family "year" books and even at that there are SO many pictures I max out the page numbers AND picture limit every year. I found that I often remember the picture of an event before I remember the actual event. I would like this to change. This has been a hard one for me and a habit/mind-set that I have had for almost two decades. Yet, with a full phone memory, it helps me stay present and embrace the ordinary making is permanent in my mind rather than a picture.

I recently read an article about a teacher who posed the journal prompt, "I don't like cell phones because...." The results were sad, convicting and eye opening. Her grade school students made comments like, "I wish phones were never invented." "My parents care more about their phones than me." "Phones are more important than I will ever be." WOW! Is this the generation that we are creating? Are these the feelings we are making our children have by being a phone-obsessed generation? I want to choose different for my children. Tonight I asked my daughter this, "Does mommy spend too much or not even time on her phone?" In the same feeling as the children above, she said, "too much mommy." Even with a valiant attempt, I am still on or near my phone too much. I am so glad my 4-year, in her honesty, told me how she felt. It is a reminder of the greater thing in life--relationship. One day my daughter (and my sons for that matter!) will be grown, having her own friends, hopefully in college, and  working. She may be married. She might even move out of the state...so WHAT AM I DOING!?! Wasting theses precious moments in time tied to a "meaningless" device that brings great separation between me and those I love the most. Please, do not mishear me. I think phones are fantastic! I love snapping pictures, calling, connecting through messaging/FaceTime and even the ability to do a quick web-search. Brilliant...but when phones take the place of (or overshadow) important relationships and being present then this inanimate object has GOT to take the backseat.

Obviously, I still have a ways to go in this area (as convicting as my daughter's response was!). Yet today, victory! My phone's memory is full. If you asked those you love the same question, what would their response be?

Sabbath Summer: The Duality

In this day of age many sayings/cultural norms grant women the "right" to be who they want. Be independent! "Do anything you want," they say, "Make your path. Follow your heart."

Yet a life as a Christian (and a woman at that) tells a different story.

Here is what God is showing me (then I will tell you what this means to me):

• I must be dependent on God not be independent as the world calls.
• I am made with a purpose, gifted to be used by God. I can do what God has created me to do/become and within that there is great freedom as I press into the gifts and talents HE has given me.
• Jesus said that HE is the way, the truth and the life. He IS the path so what path would I make for myself that would be any better than the one Christ has already made for me, specifically, and for us as collective believers.
• The OT says that the heart is deceitfully wicked above all things (so why would I want to follow my own heart/desires?) Doing so could lead to death of sorts (physical, emotional, relational, financial, etc.).

These things I have been pondering durning the SS blog series. Since I don't teach at the university during the summer my attention has focused on God and supporting my family while healing from all the events of this past year. I have realized, once again, that I have began to lose a little more of who I am as an individual to become what the world wants me to be (what I think I should be...the epitome of fulfilling the stereotypical roles of a woman, wife, mother, working-professional, friend, neighbor...you get the picture). My focus has been on being the best wife I can be to my husband of eight years and the best mother I can be to my three children. In the mix of that, my focus has been on keeping our household afloat: dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, paying bills, planning for my upcoming year of teaching, our upcoming year of ministry and thinking about/preparing for our fall schedule: preschool, ballet, swim and gymnastics lessons. My mind is like an Internet web browser with a million tabs open. Then I realized, in this process I have forgotten to dream a little, to set personal, achievable goals for myself. But, is it really that important?

The bigger question is who is God and what has HE created me to be and do.

I recently started a new bible study questing to deepen my relationship with God. Without this (my focus on Christ) as my foundation, I can do nothing. For in Him, I live and move and have my being (Acts 17:28).

In this moment I am called to support my husband as we make some very big decisions about his work and other future possibilities on the horizon. I am called to submit to his leadership, as Christ describes in Scripture. I am to be supportive, be in prayer, offer my opinions and impressions and then let God do what God does best...direct our future. Of course, we are playing our part, yet ultimately God will prevail.

I put the needs of my children after the needs of my husband. How is their health? Do they have what they need to function in this world? Are their tummies full, minds thinking and bodies active? The needs of a 4-year old, 2 1/2 year old and 15-month old are vast yet each need is important to address. And even more important than all of those items mentioned above, how is their relationship with Christ? In what ways can I better re-present Christ and invite them into the most important friendship and partnership of all--with Christ! This is the second thing to occupy my mind.

The third is our household: what to cook... that is nine times a day (minus snacks) that these three mouths need food in them. NINE! (3 kids, 3 meals a day) The result is a lot of time in the kitchen: planning, prepping, serving, cleaning. In addition to potty-training and a lot of outside play, laundry during the summer seems to be a daily or bi-daily activity. In this, I can refocus on thanksgiving! So much sweetness comes from the kitchen. I am BLESSED to have such a time as this to serve my children and show them the practical love of Jesus.

Then comes service and friendships outside my nuclear family unit. It is in these sweet moments of connection with extended family, friends or another mother (or in meeting a need someone in the Body has), I am recharged, fulfilled and overjoyed to play a small but significant role in the lives of those Christ has called me to be in fellowship with. Putting feet to my faith.

There are other things that float in and out of my day and at the end of the day mostly "not thinking" after 7pm when hopefully all three kids are down for the night and my husband is working late, I reflect. I think of the sweet moments I had with my husband and with each kid. I survey my almost-clean house and smile as I imagine the leaps, giggles and squeals of a days worth of play. I glance to the dining room and thank God for the conversations around the dining table. I breath. I sigh. I rejoice. I am blessed. I usually then start to fold a load of clothes or put dishes away while a Netflix show runs in the background for noise sake. God, thank you for this complex life. This tension of duality: surrender and serve or selfishly pursue my own ambitions.

I pause...

My life is a JOY! God has blessed me with these three little humans, each one having grown so closely inside my womb and now He has grown them into these precious beautiful little people! The husband I serve works diligently at following the Lord, pouring all he can into our family and household while working at a very difficult and sometimes very emotional job. By His grace, we have a beautiful, cozy home that meets all of our needs and more. I love my profession as a university lecturer and find great satisfaction in teaching hundreds of students a year.

I pray all who reads this will reflect on the goodness of LIFE (Zoe) found only in HIM (the Creator). There are many tough days (and tough moments that create those days) but I am learning what matters is my foundation and my focus. "For in HIM, we live and move and have our being." Acts 17:28.

Be blessed as you partake in His goodness for you, trusting that His ways and path are always the best.

Sabbath Summer: Stuff & Friendships: The Simple and the Conflict

Mostly everyone gets it...the desire to have a simple life, simple home, uncomplicated relationships. To have never-ending peace, tight-deep connections with a few intimate friends. A life that is above all honorable to God.

The efforts of this SS have forced me to explore this idea of simplicity in an even deeper, more meaningful and practical way. At first, it started with purging my overwhelmed schedule. Summer. Summer schedule would be filled with a few things: church on Sundays, Pray and Play group twice a month on Tuesdays and our annual family Bible focused trip to Canada. Everything else was put on hold, surrendered to God, in hopes that He would renew my mind on this quest of a life of Sabbath-- a life of remaining connected to Him, seeking Him for friendships, seeking Him for scheduling meetings and ultimately seeking Him to satisfy me.

I have learned in this process a few things about my friendships and my physical stuff.

First, my physical possessions. I (and we as a family) have too much! If you have journeyed with me over the years, you will know that I have been on this journey of simplicity of my stuff for over three years. At this point, it continues. My closet is slimmed down to about 35 hangers or less and about three medium sized drawers. My shoes can fit easily by the front door (minus my few dress shoes in which I store). I have created capsule-ish wardrobes for my children in which everything pretty much matches so no matter what they pick out it matches. In the process I cut their amount of clothes in half (or more). It has also meant less laundry for me! Less picking up clothes. Less hanging clean clothes up. My hall closest is hardly overflowing now and you can actually see the back panel of our main bookshelf in our living room. Most days, I observe our life and see what toys the kids do not play with, what books they ever go to and the objects I never touch (for example, as I get ready to go out or as I cook in the kitchen). These unused items go up into the attic for an end of the week drop off. It feels good to have less. The less stuff I have, the less I have to manage, wash, organize, or trip over. Simplicity. It will always be a battle and there will always be areas to re-address but it feels great to open up the "junk" drawer and find only what I need without shifting through needless items or to jump in the shower and LOVE every product (just four of them) I use. It brings me a little peace and joy (even when the kids are banging on the door to ask me a question while I quickly scrub my hair). I want this life of peace, created by God, to be present. Eliminating my stuff has truly shown me the abundant life I have in Christ. It has shown me how much waste I create. How much I did not truly appreciate what I had and how much my physical stuff weighed me down emotionally--always on my mind--always thinking about what needed to be cleaned, picked up or organized. It has allowed our children to become more responsible for their things, caring for them, playing with them and then putting them away where they belong. It has given me a deep sense of freedom of not being attached to my things and being more connected to God and the relationships He has given me.

So, this leads into what God has been teaching me about relationships. I desire these close, intimate friendships. Those individuals I can live life with on a weekly, if not daily basis. To have lives and families intertwined. To have real, meaningful conversations about things of the Lord, struggles, victories and prayers. To have someone reach out to me instead of feeling it is most often the reverse. I was deeply pained by these things early this year, longing for such a friends so badly that I began to judge those that God had put into my life. So, at the start of SS I surrendered all relationships to the Lord. Asking Him to heal me, to show me my wrongs, my errors, seeking true healing. Then God...

Then God turned the question back on to me: Am I a good friend?

This has been a painful reflection for me and one that I still am processing. In the area of friendship, God showed me that I was striving too hard to have this ideal of close friends, in ways trying to force friendships that were not mutually beneficial.  God showed me that I placed too high of expectations on my friends, revealing to me that I desired my friends to satisfy me, not God. How wrong of me. As a result, my mind shifted to negativity. Focusing on the "bads" or the "they are nots" of these relationships rather than focusing on all that God had blessed me with within these relationships.

Friends: please forgive me!

God showed me that I didn't listen enough, that I was unwilling to be flexible. In many ways I made things more difficult than they needed to be by "sticking my ground," being almost unmovable and stubborn. Somewhere in the past year, I have stopped serving my friends and expected to be served, not remembering details or take the effort to follow up. Perhaps it was moving from the season of Oliver to moving into the season of healing from the year's events. I am not sure but somewhere along the way my mind and heart shifted. I tried to be friends with too many people. My intentions got the best of me.

I reflect on Jesus and His friendships. He indeed had His 12, yet He sought to serve them. He did not expect them to serve Him. He looked at their interests before His own. He shared His struggles and pains yet He took those pains to God and did not directly put that burden on His 12 (although He did invite them into to those times). He accepted that each of the 12 had their own lives and own worries. He was willing to allow them to live their lives and to listen to them before He shared His worries. He understood that His friends might not always be there for Him, yet God would. There is more I can say about this (and more that God has revealed...and I am not sure if I am even articulating it well) yet here it is: shouldn't I be more like Jesus? Shouldn't His example of friendship reflect my attitude towards friendships?

So 'The Question' of most of these SS findings: now that this has been revealed, what do I do with it?

1. Seek forgiveness through confession
2. Pray: Pray that God will show me those HE desires me to reach out to instead of trying to be all things to all people. Seeking God's motivation for connecting with (or not connecting) with people in my life.
3. Serve: Put others first. Stop focusing on myself, my hard life, our challenges and start serving as the Holy Spirit reveals. Being willing to be inconvenienced in doing so (regardless if it is hard or not).
4. Be Authentic: share my needs but don't dwell on them.
5. Surrender: remembering that my life is not my own, therefore I need to daily surrender in all areas and in this Christ will be my peace, my companion, my satisfaction. He will fill me up.
6. Reflect: continue to seek God in every decision: purchase, appointment, rendezvous.

 So simple in theory, right? I pray God will continue to transform me. I know that He gives me the desires of my heart and in doing so He is faithful in fulfilling those desires. So, Jesus, I leave my heart with you. I leave my desire for these deep friendships with you. I surrender.

Growing a boy: Taking a step

Last week was a very hard week emotionally. Learning our son is "labeled" developmentally delayed. Feeling the rush and pressure to see a bone doctor to get his hips x-rayed. To hear that our son may not walk until 18-months old. To learn we have to go to PT two times a week.

Well, God has a sense of humor.

At the end of the week, as I cleaned up dinner our son "crawl-hopped" into the kitchen. My husband was working late so it was me and the three kiddos. I have been working on leading him as he walks, holding onto both of his hands loosely. I was in the corner of the kitchen picking up the colorful potholder I used to retrieve the fish, dinner, from the oven. I was waving the colorful pot holder in one hand and my son's hand loosely in the other. He pulled his hand away. He stood for a few seconds (his normal) and then.....AND THEN! He took two steps!!

"OH  MY GOSH!!" OH MY GOSH!!" "REALLY?!?!?!" "OH MY GOSH!!" is all I could say.

Of course, no one was there to see the AMAZING event but me. It was a gift. I felt God surrounding me and the angels in heaven cheering. Victory. God knew how much I needed to see this.

He has since, not taken a step on his own (maybe a 1/2 step) but I SAW IT! With my own eyes! My son CAN walk! At 15-months old he took his first. This is bigger than anything I could have asked! Even if he really does not walk until 16, 17 or 18 months, I know that he can! God proved that to me! (And so did Oliver!).

God is SO faithful to us and when we need it the most, He gives us these amazing gifts.

Thank you God for blessing this momma's heart in such an incredible and amazing way. Praise be to God.

Growing a boy: Balancing Needs

Nothing went right this morning. Our voices were aggressive, our minds reeling, our emotions swirling. It started to sprinkle, the coffee shop we went to as a family was closed for renovations and we ended up taking all 5 of us to Oliver's (somewhat unnecessary) appointment...mind you after he did not get a morning nap AND during lunchtime (in which we failed at packing the kids proper food...thankful I grabbed a few carrots, oranges and cheese sticks on the way out the door!).

It is not emergent, not even "super" urgent but certainly necessary to get answers....our son's hip x-ray. Thankfully, even before we stepped into the doctor's office, the x-ray was already ordered (a referral is required from his primary care doctor) and our visit was quick, not even seeing the doctor. We should be receiving a call tomorrow or Monday from the orthopedic doctor to schedule this required x-ray.

In the meantime, we are making room in our schedule for every Saturday pool physical therapy. Yes, pool therapy and clinic therapy...every week.

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I sit here while all three kids sleep, eating leftover salad from last nights dinner out of the large metal salad bowl (why dirty another dish, right?). Looking outside-in, this really does not seem like that big of a deal..."Really? You just need an x-ray and PT one to two times a week? What is the big deal?" If it was someone else, I might not see or understand the implication of this...the shuffling of schedules, the developmental delays of our son, the emotions/feelings from the 15-month journey to the stress of not knowing when/if our son will be able to walk or how well he might be able to walk. It is scary. It is stressful. There are many unknowns. How do we balance his needs with the needs of our other two? I feel like we either focus completely on him or completely focus on the needs of the "bigs." Where is the balance?

Like a recent Sabbath Summer post, it requires patience and time. I read the first part of Psalm 18 this afternoon. I was reassured that God indeed hears us when we pray AND he will defend us, protect us, led us, give us what we need and show us His faithfulness. So God, please show up, like you have in the past. May our hearts continue to strive towards you. Be in our marriage, in our relationships with all three of our kids, in both of our jobs, in our friendships. God, we need you and can't do this without you. Amen

Growing a boy: Invitation and Response

I received an invitation today. I pondered it swiftly. Reflected on it briefly and then....I responded. I wish I would have taken a moment of prayer, a sigh inviting Jesus to control my emotions. I did not.

In the moment, I allowed the situation to over take me, to alter my otherwise relaxing moment. I was inconvenienced, stressed. I took on the weight of the conversation as if it were life and death. My mind went to the worst case scenarios, my own failures and how, at some level, it was all "my" fault.

Yet the psalmist writes, "So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory." (Psalm 63:2) And in that place, in the inner most sanctuary of the Lord, there is peace, rest, resolve and hope.

The news, the invitation in which I could choose my response: our son is not progressing in physical therapy and now needs a hip x-ray as well as increased PT appointments...JUST when life seems to be under control, manageable and almost fun with three toddlers. BUT--- does this new diagnosis need to change that? No.

My kids are still the same. Nothing really changed from yesterday to today yet my perspective somehow shifted to this place of burden and negativity...thinking, "just one more thing to squeeze into my day."

Of course, I WANT our son to be healthy. I want to give him the best opportunities available. So, I go to the Lord in prayer:

Psalm 62:1 I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from him.

Change me, Lord. Heal our son. Give me a perspective greater than mine. 

Sabbath Summer: Without Complaint

In a world of struggle, God calls us to do everything without arguing or complaining. This is a very familiar passage to me that comes from the Book of Philippians. Yet it is convicting in this season of life. It is a thought I have pondered many times but during this Sabbath Summer, God is bringing it back to my attention. 

I am struggling to know the difference between complaining verses sharing the struggle of being a mom of three toddlers among my role as a wife, teacher, volunteer and leader. The brass tacks: life is a struggle YET where is my focus? 

Am I living a life of freedom and victory which comes from Christ or living a life of struggle and strife? When I think of my life, what do I think about first? When asked, what do I offer up first? The victory and triumphs of Jesus or the hardships, challenges and struggles?

It comes down to perspective.

Growing out of a season of worry and fear of my son’s medical conditions and all that this past year has brought to us, I felt that I “had” to focus on the worst case, the “what-ifs”,” the struggles and the overwhelming reality of the situation our family faced. Perhaps it was a coping mechanism or something to shield the pain (you know, just in case something really bad happened). It became a habit. 

I may have mistaken “going deep” in relationship to mean sharing my hardships and difficulties. That my vulnerability and transparency were the means to arrive at these deeper rooted connections. I am afraid that my attempt to “go deep” was overshadowed by my “negative Nancy” mindset. I am afraid that it has turned people away, given them the wrong impression about me, my life and the work God is doing in my life. I mean, come on, who really wants to be around someone who overdramatizes their struggles and only talks about their hardships. Yet to see God working is to know about the struggles and how He provided in, through and despite the struggles. So I come back to my question: what is the difference between complaining verse sharing the realities of my days? My intent is certainly not to focus on my difficulties or be inward focused. My intent is transparency as a means to cultivate deep, meaningful, everlasting relationships in which honesty is the foundation. My intent is not to give the culturally acceptable, “I’m fine” when asked how I am but rather divulge that I am not fine, that life is hard and God is teaching me and forming me in the midst of these struggles. He is a God, not me, who brings chaos back into order. My response, surrender and submission. My response, prayerfulness. My response, attentive ears to the convicting Holy Spirit when I travel down the path of complaining.

My heart aches for the damage of friendships I have caused in this attempt to build deep relationships. Have I pushed people away by being too honest? By focusing on the hard instead of the good? Regardless of what I think the damage is/was, God is giving me a re-do. His Word says that His mercies are renewed everyday so I trust that. I ask your forgiveness and the forgiveness of the Lord. I move into a new day aware of this struggle, submitting and surrendering to God—living a life of victory instead of living a life of struggle and defeat. Who wants to join me?

Growing a boy: Fitful Screams

Our sweet, sweet little miracle. He is a fighter, that is for sure! One of the reasons I know he is alive is this fiery spirit God has given him. Most days, I am thankful for this, remembering that the outcome could have been vastly different than the day to day we struggle through now but that does not negate the fact that is is hard and very emotional to have a "spirited" 15-month old.


He gets so worked up and angry when his bottle is finished, throwing it to the floor or across the room. Need a diaper change? Well, if you interrupt his play time you certainly will hear his loud cries from down the street. That toy he stole from his sibling and needs returning? It comes at the cost of a 10-15 minute tantrum in the middle of the living room. In a new place, traveling, and out of routine? Be prepared for fitful screams, kicking feet, constant holding and a bright red-faced boy whose lungs are working very well.

Is it worth it? Yes (I say with hesitance in my voice). It might not be convenient but I know that in the long term it is for the best.

I know that it is nothing I have cause. (As a mother, I first want to blame myself for the way he is....what could I have done differently to help him? Did I do something to cause this behavior?). I find myself emotional, crying at times, most likely out of pure exhaustion more than anything. The screaming gets tiring and the patience gets thin. As a result of his anger, I can be short with my other two children, my friends and even my darling husband. What example/attitude am I leaving for my other children? What do they see and hear? How are they now responding to each other due to my responses towards this anger?


I cannot change him. They are his emotions. He is a little human after all. I can take care of his basic needs with great love but I must surrender. Only God change change him. I must stop making excuses for him, "oh, well, he is just tired." "It is probably teething." "He is just a little off his schedule." It is some times easier to make these excuses than explain my emotions and what is really going on.

I can change my response.

Better yet, I can ask God to change my heart, change him, change the situation.

I must seek wisdom from the Lord, resting in Him, knowing that God wanted ME...yes...ME to be the mother of this little boy. God knew that I would either: 1) be able to "handle" this little boy or 2) this little boy would cause me to press deeper into him. (In my weakness, Christ is made strong). The Bible tells us to do everything with great love, not seeking my own advantage but that of many so that they would be saved through the life of Christ.

So, my new response: accepting the freedom in Christ, trust, hope. I must stop blaming myself for enabling his anger or somehow creating his anger. I must seek God for wisdom and a godly rest (which can only be truly found in Him). In Him, there is renewal.

Growing TWO boys: What is a gentleman

I have two boy, 15-months apart. Wow, huh? It sometimes even surprises me. As these boys get older, I desire to teach them how to be gentlemen. This looks vastly different (in some ways) than it use to look but regardless, I began a small-ish list of things I want to teach my boys. What am I missing? Can this really be achieved? I'm interested in your thoughts.

A Gentleman (in no particular order):

• To have fun but not at the expense of others
• Stands by his word: his yes is yes and his no is no.
• Knows that no means no
• Lets ladies go first: holds open doors, offers his seat, allows her to order at a restaurant first, considers the needs of others above his own
• Is willing to be/go last to allow others to go ahead of him 
• Makes decisions confidently and with much thought
• Is honest, truthful--not leading other on
• In conversation: Asks interesting questions, learns how to listen without interruption
• Gives eye contact when speaking or when being spoken to
• Understands (and executes) being well-groomed/taking care of appearance
• Knows how to cook and conduct normal household chores
• At the table: knows table manners, says please and thank you, allows the women to be seated first
• Pays attention to the small details
• Is friendly and respectful to everyone
• Recognizes that character is more favorable than position
• Knows how to offer an introduction in social settings
• Can critically think/problem solve 
• Excuses himself from a table/social setting to blow his nose or take a phone call
• Takes care of what he owns: appreciates it, fixes it, puts it away
• Offers to help those in need--whether it be to life a bag into a car or purchase a hot cup of coffee to the homeless on the street.

This list seems lofty, doesn't it? I have been thinking a lot about my boys and how I can best serve them as their momma, I want them both to be passionate and kind. To be gentle yet fierce. To be respectful and fun-loving. I want them to stand out in personality because of their thoughtfulness. Yes, these are lofty dreams for my boys. They both have such different personalities that I am not exactly sure how to even teach them these things. In all honesty, they are just 15-mo and 2 1/2 years old. I am not expecting brilliance but I do require respect. It is hard to find a balance between fun and respect, rule and joy but the more the boys follow to the basic rules, the more joy they seem to have. I delight in the challenge to help my boys become gentlemen. It is through writing lists like this, making it concrete for myself, that I can encourage them in small ways towards this end. It is an exciting and overwhelming task but as their biggest fan, I will be with them with encouragement and love every step of the away.

Sabbath Summer: Missing the Mark

Almost 4 years ago I birthed my first child. Of course a lot of things changed once she was born but on some level I felt as though I could still carry on as usual (well, at least after healing from my 51-hour labor which ended in a c-section!). For the first few months she was content snuggled into her car carrier or in the baby carrier next to my skin as I taught online or volunteered at the church or in the community. My level of service and involvement pretty much stayed the same.

Just 8-months after her birth, my second child was conceived. With some big scares in the first trimester, I was told to "take it easy." Well, for me, easier said then done. The remaining two trimesters were great and our first son was born exactly on his due date and as exactly as planned (wow! when does that ever happen!?!). Our family of four took some time to adjust but when our son turned 5-months old we found our stride and were "back in the game" so to speak.

Well, SURPRISE, just a few months later we found out we were having baby #3. Our kids would be 16 and 16 months apart. When we found out this news we really had to put up some boundaries. Through prayer we asked God what ministries we should put on hold and which we should remain involved with. At first is was hard to allow God to shift our desires but He did. He made it abundantly clear. We had become less busy "doing" and were in the process of learning how to "be."

Seven and a half months after we found out we were pregnant, our son was born. Yup, almost 2 months early. If you have read my previous blogs, you will know what a difficult year this has been. Well, that brings us to current.

After sitting through church service on Sunday (by the way, we has a WONDERFUL guest pastor!), God showed me some "icky" things about myself. Of course, it came during our "Sabbath Summer," just another area God is working on my heart. Here it is:

I have been missing committed service to others since having children. Some where along the way, over the last four years, my thinking shifted from serving to desiring (almost expecting) to be served especially with the challenges of our sweet baby #3 this past year. Did I really think that people "owed" us because of our son's near death experience? Did I take to the victim mentality all too quickly, expecting people to carry my burden? When did I stop engaging with others--walking life with them instead of just focusing on the hardships of my own life? (Or maybe I am just being too hard on myself?)

I missed the mark. When my focus shifted, my view on community shifted. My view on friendship shifted. "My view" became my family (rightfully so in some cases) but at the neglect of serving, knowing and loving others. This is a painful reality to accept, causing me to think of the permanent damage I may have caused in some of these relationships due to selfishness and neglect. Shame on me! It was me who pushed so many away. It was me not being grateful. It was me expecting too much from those around me.

The question that seems to always come up with the "SS" lessons: where do I go from here?

God has been faithful in showing me opportunities to dive back in to people's lives,  re-engage in service and to begin living life together again. Coming out of a very difficult season, this has taken me so much focus and intentionality. Who do I make time for? How do I clear my schedule? How do I care for the needs of others and the needs of my family? How can I learn to shift from negativity to gratitude? These are areas I am trusting the Lord will continue to work. Will you accept my apology? Will you give me grace as I work on these things? I really do desire deep, authentic relationships. It all starts with transparency and the willingness to serve. In the words of the Bible,

"For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many." Matthew 20:28

So, shouldn't I try to do the same?

Growing a boy: "Just" teething

Every. Single. Little. Thing.

It all seems so complex with our little miracle boy. From a twitch to a cough to not eating enough to eating too much...my mind goes to the worst possible scenario and the worst possible diagnosis.

I am an emotional mess. I shouldn't be, right? This is my third child. But every thing IS different.

Over the past week, our sweet almost 15-month old cut an upper tooth, screaming ALL day last Sunday. Over this week he has had a slight fever, excessive grumpiness and a shoulder-to-ear "twitch-thing" which seemed to progress throughout the day yesterday (I did capture it on video). I was unable to get a same-day appointment so I had to wait until today.

My mind and body whirled as I waited for the time to drop off the "bigs" at Gram-Gram's house so I could have an uninterrupted conversation with the doctor about these concerns. In the meantime, I consulted a few friends and the on-call nurse at the peds office to see what I may have been missing. 

Am I overreacting? What can I do better to help my son? Are these symptoms simply nothing? I hoped to find out.

My 1:50pm arrival time came. Just my son and I. We checked in a few minutes early. The normal vitals were taken. So far so good. The "sick-doctor" on-call was one I had never seen before. She knew nothing of our boy's complex arrival (birth) and his even more complex medical history. I showed her the "shoulder-ear twitch" video (as she half watched it while she typed notes) and I talked about my concerns. Her exam was quick, removing some excessive ear wax from his right ear. The exam did not produce any remarkable results only swollen gums...."It's probably just teething. We get at least one case a day related to this. There is nothing to worry about."

I began to cry. (Why am I crying? Because EVERY, Every. Single. Little. Thing. It all seems so complex with our little miracle boy).

Really...nothing to worry about?!? Do you know my son? Do you know that I thought he was close to death on at least 2-3 occasions? Worry? I worry about EVERYTHING with this boy (despite what the Bible says about this). I worry when he sleeps on his face. I worry that he will have to wear leg braces to walk. I worry about the two cavities he has and how I could have done better at keeping his mouth clean regardless of all of those sugary medications he was on for almost a year. I worry about his oxygen levels when his lips turn slightly blue because he is cold. I now worry about this shoulder-ear twitch "thing" that the doctor did not seemed too interested in. Maybe she is right. Maybe it is nothing. Maybe it is just teething. Or maybe it is more than that. Either way, I must put my trust in the Lord and also trust the instincts He has given to me.

For now, I am exhausted, Our littlest is now sleeping and the "bigs" tear up the house. And here I am, typing. I guess I am just not over what happened last year leading up to his birth and the months that followed. It is a process, I guess I just have to keep trusting the Lord for all of the things He spoke to me, His unfailing promises. And time...and patience. I have to trust that time (whether a few hours, or a few days) will reveal if there is truly something wrong or if it is simply "nothing to worry about."

So...just teething and an emotional, exhausted momma....that is the diagnosis.

Growing a boy: The (un)donated dress

With the amazing weather and three growing kids, it was time to purge excessive toys no longer played with and clothes that no longer fit. It is a joy to raise our kids in a community of friends who have children around the same ages as our three. As such, I sent out a group text to a few of my other "mom" friends, inquiring if they were interested in some pretty party-type dresses our almost 4-year daughter has recently outgrown. I love being able to pass along the blessing of clothes as so many have passed clothes along to us.

I snapped a few pictures and off went the text. No big deal.

The day came to deliver the dresses to my friend who lives just down the street. I folded them nicely, wrapped them thoughtfully, like a present, and put them in the car to drive them over.

A few minutes into my short drive, stopped at a red light, I glanced down at the three dresses carefully and lovingly placed in the passenger seat next to me. Without permission, my body got cold my hands clammy and my breathe shortened. The light was now green. I proceed forward in the direction of my destination with a feeling of panic, overwhelming trepidation and unaccounted for discontentment.

What in the world was going on?!

At the next red light, I peered down once again at that floral party dress. In a brief moment, pictures and memories flooded back into my mind...our daughter wore this dress--the exact dress that was in the passenger seat--when are family was joined together for the first time (all 5 of us), on Easter when our preemie son was just 14-days old and still in the NICU at the children's hospital 45-minutes North of our home.

In such a short time the overwhelming events of our son's early birth nearly 14-months ago and near death during the first hour(s) and weeks of his life flooded my memory.

Pulling into my friends driveway, I put the car in park and just sat there, thinking, processing, remembering. Within minutes I had hopped out of our silver car, delivered two of the three party dresses and climbed back into my vehicle. I immediately texted my friend, who had joined my family in prayer and struggle during our son's early days, telling her that I was struggling to get rid of this particular dress. She was nothing but supportive and kind in her response back (THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS, FRIEND!!).

A few deep breathes later, I was reversing out of the long driveway towards Target to pick up a few household necessities. Parking the car, I felt these overpowering emotions again. I stuffed them down so I could complete my short shopping list. Two stores later, I found myself sitting in Payless Shoes in the back of the store about ready to have a tear-fest. Really?! Here? Now?

This experience reminded me that grief comes and goes. Its onset comes from unexpected places (a floral party dress) at very unexpected times (at a red light). It reminds me that, although our 14-month-old son is now very healthy, he almost did not survive on more than one occasion in those early first few days of life. It reminded me to have grace towards myself as I navigate this new season of life--having a healthy (almost toddler) in comparison to the uncertain outcome of his life at birth. It reminded me that it is okay to stop, cry, live in the moment by recognizing it and then move on (although this one is lingering a little more that I expected). It reminded me that when I am weak, HE (Christ) is strong. In my weakness, I can allow God to overtake the hard circumstance and just rest...like a babe in his mother's arms. I feel like I did that today in Payless (of all places), sitting on the stool in the back of the store, closing my eyes, taking deep breathes and inviting God to take over...to help me process...to help me accept (once again) the hardships endured at my son's birth. HE reminded me that His promises are always right and always true. HE reminded me that I am in the clutch of His palm, protected, safe, secure, seen, recognized. HE gave me peace. I am still emotional...not necessarily about the dress...but over the events the dress reminded me of...the very first time our family of five was united.

So, I will keep the dress as a memorial stone. I will remember the joy of having my three kids together for the first time on one of my favorite holidays, Easter. I will remember the first egg hunt our big kids did at their cousin's house before we brought our family together in the hospital. I will remember how of first son was so tired after the Easter events that he was fitfully strapped into the double stroller in his baby brother's NICU room. I will remember putting on silly bunny ears and bunny glasses for our first family picture...all 5 of us. This dress is significant. It reminds me of a time of joy and a time of heartache. It reminds me of God's victory in our suffering.

I have a feeling that I will be dealing with our son's unexpected early birth for the rest of my life in varying degrees. And that is okay. I am thankful to our close friends and family who join us in this journey and those who pray for us. Parenthood is never easy. Grief is never easy. We bond together, one day at a time trusting that each day will provide new insight, healing and deep restoration.

Shalom.