Sabbath Summer: Missing the Mark

Almost 4 years ago I birthed my first child. Of course a lot of things changed once she was born but on some level I felt as though I could still carry on as usual (well, at least after healing from my 51-hour labor which ended in a c-section!). For the first few months she was content snuggled into her car carrier or in the baby carrier next to my skin as I taught online or volunteered at the church or in the community. My level of service and involvement pretty much stayed the same.

Just 8-months after her birth, my second child was conceived. With some big scares in the first trimester, I was told to "take it easy." Well, for me, easier said then done. The remaining two trimesters were great and our first son was born exactly on his due date and as exactly as planned (wow! when does that ever happen!?!). Our family of four took some time to adjust but when our son turned 5-months old we found our stride and were "back in the game" so to speak.

Well, SURPRISE, just a few months later we found out we were having baby #3. Our kids would be 16 and 16 months apart. When we found out this news we really had to put up some boundaries. Through prayer we asked God what ministries we should put on hold and which we should remain involved with. At first is was hard to allow God to shift our desires but He did. He made it abundantly clear. We had become less busy "doing" and were in the process of learning how to "be."

Seven and a half months after we found out we were pregnant, our son was born. Yup, almost 2 months early. If you have read my previous blogs, you will know what a difficult year this has been. Well, that brings us to current.

After sitting through church service on Sunday (by the way, we has a WONDERFUL guest pastor!), God showed me some "icky" things about myself. Of course, it came during our "Sabbath Summer," just another area God is working on my heart. Here it is:

I have been missing committed service to others since having children. Some where along the way, over the last four years, my thinking shifted from serving to desiring (almost expecting) to be served especially with the challenges of our sweet baby #3 this past year. Did I really think that people "owed" us because of our son's near death experience? Did I take to the victim mentality all too quickly, expecting people to carry my burden? When did I stop engaging with others--walking life with them instead of just focusing on the hardships of my own life? (Or maybe I am just being too hard on myself?)

I missed the mark. When my focus shifted, my view on community shifted. My view on friendship shifted. "My view" became my family (rightfully so in some cases) but at the neglect of serving, knowing and loving others. This is a painful reality to accept, causing me to think of the permanent damage I may have caused in some of these relationships due to selfishness and neglect. Shame on me! It was me who pushed so many away. It was me not being grateful. It was me expecting too much from those around me.

The question that seems to always come up with the "SS" lessons: where do I go from here?

God has been faithful in showing me opportunities to dive back in to people's lives,  re-engage in service and to begin living life together again. Coming out of a very difficult season, this has taken me so much focus and intentionality. Who do I make time for? How do I clear my schedule? How do I care for the needs of others and the needs of my family? How can I learn to shift from negativity to gratitude? These are areas I am trusting the Lord will continue to work. Will you accept my apology? Will you give me grace as I work on these things? I really do desire deep, authentic relationships. It all starts with transparency and the willingness to serve. In the words of the Bible,

"For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many." Matthew 20:28

So, shouldn't I try to do the same?