Firehoses & Aimless Driving: Momma Needs a Time-Out

It is only 10:30am and what a day it has been already! The husband decided to go on a hike today. I was scheduled to bring both kids with me to my eye doctor appointment at 9:30am. Oh boy!

This morning I encountered an episode of the terrible two's! Running, hitting and tantrum throwing accompanied getting both kids dressed and fed while packing the diaper bag and loading the car... all in hopes of getting out of the door on time for my eye appointment. (Seriously child, pants are NOT optional, little human, when we leave the house).

Arriving on-time with both kids intact: Mission One Accomplished.

Despite my daughter pulling off all of the pink framed glasses at the eye doctors, things went surprisingly well. With the help of crackers and her toy iPad, she was mostly entertained. My sons sat in his car carrier half asleep and half awake as sister jostled him about in his car seat. It was hard to pay attention to what the doctor was asking as my daughter insisted on the NEED to be in my lap. (I think I answered all of the doctor's questions?)

Completing the eye appointment without children throwing a fit: Mission Two Accomplished.

The reward for being well-behaved at the doctor's office was "fa-fee" at Starbucks. My daughter loves the steamed foam (aka her version of fa-fee -- coffee) and scoops it out with a spoon...getting most in her mouth. I had to nurse my son in the busyness of the Saturday morning at Starbucks, but overall it was success.

As I loaded both the kids in the car after our epic morning adventure, my daughter insisted that she drive the car instead of me. I obviously had to veto this for a variety of reasons which caused a series of more two-year-old tantrums. Reluctantly, I promised her that she could "drive" when we got home.… With the car turned off, keys out of the ignition and parked safely in our driveway.

Getting the kids in their proper seats without losing "it" too much: Mission Three Accomplished.

To be honest, at this point, I needed a mommy time-out. I decided to take an extended route home… Honestly driving way far out of my way just to have a few moments without my little ones needing me to do anything for them. So I drove around in a nearly silent car. I am so thankful for crackers and the library and the "Under the Sea" lift and flap book that we checked out a few days ago. I am so thankful for the still hot cuppa coffee I purchased at Starbucks. And a sleeping baby.

As I drove, I had time to reflect again on my purpose as a mother. I fall short every day at being a stellar mom. Today I overreacted to my daughter's multiple tantrums at home. I used harsh tones and unkind words to her as I was trying to get her dressed (the whole "I don't want to wear pants" thing). And I became frustrated at the littlest things that on a normal day really would not be that big of a deal. As I drove, God reminded me of the things He endured to save me from sin and death. He reminds me daily that in Him I am purpose to be a great mother. When I try to rest on my own strength & I don't rely on his power and His word, I fail... fail miserably. I'm thankful that His mercies are new every day. And I'm also thankful that every day He reveals Himself to me! He also reminds me that He has made me to be the perfect mother for the children that He is given me. So despite all of my shortfalls, my bouts of frustration, and overreactions, my children still love me and God is still showing me His grace.

Refocusing on what REALLY matters: Mission Four Accomplished.

So, I got right with God on my extended, out-of-the-way-home mommy time-out. I apologized to my two-year-old for my "tantrums," and was ready to go back home. I had no plans for today besides the eye appointment. My neck was still a little stiff/sore from a recent trip (...about a week ago I couldn't even move it!) so I figured home would be the best option. As I was driving, I saw a street closed. A small-town street fair!! Literally, a gift from God...to help us all refocus on what is truly important...relationships! Faith into action. I want my kids to know me not only as a loving and fair mother but a FUN momma too! So, impromptu.....street fair! I loaded my kids out of the car yet again. This time my daughter wanted to "run, run, run" while brother lounged in the stroller. The first thing we saw as a police car (lights and all!... the real crowd pleaser) and all of the tactical gear for the kids to touch and learn about. So fun! About a block away was the fire truck! My daughter just laughed and giggled as she climbed inside and sat in the driver's seat. The firefighters even had the hose out for kids to spray a few targets! Oh, what a great way to spend a morning and what great redemption God brings.

Allowing God to work on my heart & loving on my kids by making them a priority: Mission Five Accomplished.

So for all of you mothers out there, you are not alone! When days get long and children get cranky and your temper overflows, just know that God's grace is more than enough! God has gifted us mommas with the ability to endure trials of various kinds for His sake so that He might be glorified in our lives! He gives us moments to stop, pause, reflect and reset. The Holy Spirit is kind and gentle to correct us and even if we fail today..God's mercy and grace renews everyday! So mothers, be encouraged you were not alone. In HIM and with His strength we can do ALL things.

Happy Saturday.

Fish Sticks, Songs and Lots of Cuddles

Tonight I received two priceless, precious gifts.

Days like today can get long. Sure, there are only 24-hours in a day but some days seem longer when the weather is hot (in the 90s!) and the kids get cranky. I admit that I used the TV as a distraction tool today for my two-year-old because I had to take-away pool privileges due to her continually dumping water over her helpless, 7-month-old brother's head. (Poor boy thought he was drowning!)

Fussing and crying were our dinner guests. Apparently baby pureed food seemed more interesting to my two-year-old than her fish sticks....baked in a 425 degree oven I might add.  Wow!! I didn't see that one coming! And of course, after just one spoonful of pureed peas she happily went back to eating her fish sticks. POINT ONE MOM! Phew! Skated through that one.

Bed time for both kids was surprisingly easy....until.....

My daughter woke-up around 8:30pm saying, "Out please. All done. Hung-gee (translated into hungry)." To be honest, she was so sweet about it. How could I possibly turn her down. So, I picked her up out of the crib and she snuggled in tight. My heart melted. I walked with her in my arms to the kitchen and sat her on the countertop for a little post-dinner snack: apple slices, yogurt, a few Cheerios and ice water. She was kind, funny and was generous in sharing her snack with me. (Gotta love those sticky fingered Cheerios).  Soon, it was time to take her back to her crib. It isn't often, but I decided to climb over the crib rail and snuggle for just a few minutes. Her favorite bedtime song is "Jesus Loves Me." As I gently stroked her face and nose, I sang softly her nite-nite song.
When I got to the part, "Yes, Jesus Loves You" I substituted her name for the word "you." As I sang the chorus, she sweetly sang back to me, "Yes, Jesus Loves Mommy. Yes, Jesus Loves Mommy,"

My heart melted again for the second time tonight.

My daughter is my priceless gift #1. 

While all of this was going on, my dear son was needing attention of the same sorts. He must be growing and teething. His comfort? Food. And I am his food source. Another honest moment: there are times when I get a little frustrated at his need to (what feels like) constantly nurse but in the last few weeks my milk supply has begun to drop a bit and I have had to supplement with either formula or stored milk....so tonight, I chose to consider these moments of nursing as a gift rather than an interruption. In the cool of his air conditioned room, I gently rocked and sang as he found comfort from my milk. His sweet little body stopped wiggling around. He threw out his left arm in pure relaxations and just drank. (And at this feeding I had enough to satisfy him!!). When he was done, he rolled his little 18 pound body into my chest, snuggling in as tightly as he could. Falling quickly asleep. I could feel his heart beating. Each breathe he took reminded me of God's faithfulness and His love.

My son in my priceless gift #2.

Even when days get long, it is God that I see. He is my provider, my strength. He allows me to experience these priceless gifts every. single. day. I pray my mind will forever be focused on Him so that I will see these cranky and hot days as nothing short as a miracle from Him.

Good Night.

Purposed for Motherhood

That was not me......never was it my dream or goal, yet it happened....God made it happen. He changed my heart.

From a young age, many girls play "imaginary" cradling her dolls, lovingly changing pretend diapers and dressing baby up for the day. Softly brushing baby's hair and repeatedly putting baby nite-nite. Baby doll in hand, the little mother-figure takes baby shopping while of course making sure baby is secure in the cart.

That was not me....

I could be found (NO JOKE) lining up my dolls, hand on hip, hunched forward, pointer finger out....yell at my dolls.  Don't get me wrong, I did have tender moments with my dollies but they were few and far between. When I came into the "Barbie-stage" things changed and I no longer yelled at my dolls. Instead I played teacher and real estate agent with them, cruising Barbie & Ken around in their magenta Barbie Corvette.

Decades later, I was married. God gifted me with the man of my dreams. He wanted about a million children right after we were married....I was not so sure...

That was not me...

In church on Sunday our Pastor was preaching on John the Baptist, stating that he KNEW his purpose...to prepare the way for the Lord Jesus. As I reflected on his purpose, I struggled with mine. What is my purpose? Am I helping prepare the way for Lord Jesus to be seen and experienced by those in my life?

Over four years, my husband and I struggled with the conversation about having children. Many tears, arguments, sleepless night, chats with our mentors and friends...no resolve. I embraced the "that is not me" attitude and resisted assuming the role as mother. In that fourth year of marriage, God began working on my heart. All of the fears I had about being a mother were selfish, self-centered, focused on my ability to perform and fulfill the "PTA-always perfect-top cookie Mom-always prepared-always have it together" mom stereotype the world had projected on me.

I was finally at a point to start trying for a family...hesitantly starting the very delicate conversation with my husband. I was still struggling with the "that is not me" attitude but I began to open my heart up to the Lord....one month later....GUESS WHAT!?!?! I was pregnant.

To be honest, I struggles with the positive pregnancy test results. I looked in disbelief at the two  little pink lines...God had purposed me for motherhood (yet I was still unsure). Nine-months later, I had my sweet little daughter in my arms, overcoming the fears that I had about not being a good-enough mother.

Eight-months later, I was pregnant with our second, after God's prompting and direction to start trying for a second baby (which, just like the first, look only a month).

As of now, my daughter is just shy of her 2-year birthday and my son is 6-months young. The past two years have certainly been a struggle, trying to embrace my new identity and role; being responsible for teaching my young how to follow Jesus in such a crooked world; balancing motherhood, marriage, full-time work and church involvement. 

It is a tough job yet someone I find it so rewarding...
                   WOW...did I just say...."REWARDING?!?!"

I never thought I would find pleasure in teaching my almost 2-year old the alphabet, numbers, bible verses; teaching her to say please and thank-you; showing her how to put a puzzle together and then a day later (without help) seeing her put the same puzzle together. With my son, seeing him learn to reach for objects, crawl backwards and start "talking." I have even began to consider (please note: CONSIDER) homeschooling....another WOW, considering I told my husband, 'ABSOLUTELY NOT!" about three years ago.

Through the sermon on Sunday, God revealed his purpose for me: I am purposed for Motherhood. It is sometimes hard to embrace fully, to fully understand...does this mean I should have more kids? adopt? pour into the kids I have? pour into other kids? ..... I am still seeking answers from the Lord on these questions, but it is amazing that God so clearly changed my heart from 4-years ago, my "that is not me attitude" to entertaining the idea of having a third child (and even homeschooling).

God is amazing how He works. He brings us close to Him when we surrender our will in exchange for His will to rule in our hearts. It might be a process, but allow Him to do it!

So I leave you with this..... what is your "that is not me" attitude that needs to be surrender to the Lord? 

You just never know what He has purposed for you...

Day 8 of Self-Denial

Today marks day 8... day 8 of obedience, disciple, trust and faith in the Lord. ...day 8 of self-denial, strict steadfastness and the ability to say, "NO" multiple times a day. It has been a week of denying the flesh and learning to abide in Him for my strength...

Day 8 of no coffee, soda, caffeine...the only drink: H20.

Of course I still consumed food but last week I was convicted that mainly coffee was my "go-to" for strength and reliance to get though some pretty difficult days. I would wake up in the morning...first thing: COFFEE! (Let the kids scream for just a few more minutes...I just need ONE sip and the world will be made right).

About mid-morning: "I can't handle this. I need an escape. A sense of peace: coffee."

Running errands: "It has been a tough day. Let me just treat myself to a little (okay...16 ounce, triple shot) Americano.

Anyone see a pattern here??!

While I was driving to visit a friends last Saturday, God convicted me of this pattern (as I was sipping a cup of coffee on my one-hour drive). He reminded me that HE is my ONLY source. He should be my ONLY strength. He should be my sense of peace in a world of chaos.

It was hard at first (and my husband thought that I was crazy for not wanting my morning coffee...and he did not know about my vow to God to deny these beverages for a week). When I found myself tempted, Jesus would remind me of the strength HE has given me to endure. He reminded me that He alone has given me all I need to handle daily challenges as I walk in relationship with Him. He reminded me that anything that causes me not to rely on Him is sin. He reminded me that my children (knowingly or unknowingly) watch the patterns of my life and will eventually copy what I do. So I denied myself. Every. Single. Day.... for 7 days (and counting).

It is a good feeling to know that God gave me the gift of restraint. It is a picture for all areas of my life (eating, exercising, etc) that I need to rely on Him for more discipline. You know... all those things we know we should be doing but just can't seem to either do or get under control or find time for.

God is the ultimate satisfaction. In denying the flesh I found that I actually had more time to serve Him. I had more energy to chase around my toddler and care for my 6-month old (even though I encountered some sleepless nights over this past week). I found myself somewhat free from the bondage of "needing" something other than God. I am not sure how long this caffeine fast will last (I might just get a cup of coffee today), but the end result is drawing closer to Jesus. The goal of our live is to glorify Him and if anything is distracting us from that goal we need to be bold enough to say NO...move on and deny ourselves so that Jesus can be glorified in every action, thought and attitude.

To God be the Glory, forever and ever.

Why I turned off the baby monitor...

Since August of 2014 I have had the buzz of a baby monitor next to my ear on my night stand. I needed it for comfort, to spy on my first born, able to care for every and any need she may have during the dark hours of the night. Soon we added a sound machine to her room...adding either crashing waves, whales "talking" or the sound of a "delightful" tropical rain. Needless to say it took me a while to get use to each noise. My sleep was already lacking due to her demanding nighttime feeding schedule especially in those early months. 

About 11 months after she was born we moved her downstairs so that we could redecorate her nursery to accommodate baby #2. OF COURSE I HAD to have the baby monitor on now that she was ALLLLLLL the way downstairs...the restless nights continued not because she was still waking during the night but rather because the sounds coming from the machine that was helping her fall asleep was waking me during the night. But I still insisted that the baby monitor stay on....just in case.

When baby boy arrived in December 2016 we purchased a second camera for our baby monitor. Now I could spy on BOTH of them as the screen rotated to allow the picture and sound of each room to come through the unit. The sound machine in my daughter's room has been replaced by the babbling filter of a fish tank and my son's room is graced with the sounds of a VERY loud air conditioning unit (since it only gets to be about a million degrees on the top floor during our recent summer heat spell). In addition, the demanding nighttime feeding are back and so is the lack of sleep. Seriously....two nights ago my "sweet" little 6-month old was practically up from 12:45am-5:30am!

So I decided... ENOUGH IS A ENOUGH!

Do I really need to hear every restless sound of each child? Those moments where they toss and turn in their sleep which wake me up. Or the times when my daughter randomly wakes up in the middle of the night and starts signing then falls back asleep? And my baby boy? Well, come on...let's face it. His nursery is seriously not EVEN 50 feet away from our bed! If he cries loud enough I know I will hear him.

So from their pediatricians prompting and for my own sanity, I have decided to turn off the baby monitor....and feel NO guilt. It has actually allowed me to get a bit more sleep and for my children (mainly my 6-month old) to soothe themselves back to sleep from those small little tosses and turned.

After two years of a constant buzz in my ear (not to the mention their sweet little "buzzes" all day, everyday), I have silence when I go to sleep. And that is why I turned off the baby monitor....for sanity. sleep. peace. Pure bliss my friends, pure bliss!

My children are my mission field

Being a mom is no joke. We endure sleepless nights, dirty-diapers and back-talking toddlers. Our new "perfume" is free of charge consisting of spit up, splattered sweet pureed green beans and my most favorite (ugh!!) poop! Nights seem long and days offer little relief as the duties of a mother are 24/7...there are no real vacations or sick days, moments of silence or moments of pure relaxation. Even when we do get a "break" we are either worrying about our littles or replaying the conversation with the sitter to make sure we told them every little important detail about caring for our children. Most days we feel like we are either losing our minds or losing our patience (seriously, JUST PUT ON YOUR SHOES!).

Then...what is the point?

God has called us mothers to the important job of raising up the next generation, teaching them and training them in HIS ways. It is easy to rely on the earthly pleasures to help us endure (um...can I get another cup of coffee, please?!). But ultimately, our rest and strength are gained when we abide in HIM and in HIM only. He is teaching us mothers sacrifice in a way that we have never understood before. He is allowing us to be pruned and trimmed so that we can bear more fruit in the proper season. Pruning hurts. It is difficult. "WHEN WILL THIS FRUIT COME?!?!" I scream under my tongue on most days but then I realize the fruit is growing and the roots are being planted deep.

I am not the same person I was two years ago...the person pre-toddler and baby. My focus and conversations have change. My passions are still there but are less of a priority as they once were. My daily goal (amidst not falling asleep on my dinner plate) is to display and teach Christ to my children...in every interaction I have with them and those around me.

My children are my mission field.

Just as a missionary is called overseas to an unreached people group, I realize that God has gifted me with my children who need training, discipling, and who need to be taught the love of Jesus in practical ways. It might not be in Africa or Asia. It might not be in a small grass hut or a large unreached Eurpoean city. But God is teaching me to grow where I am planted...to not long for what I don't have (or what I did have)... to not compare to myself to those formed days when my life was so drastically different...to not complain but embrace this very difficult season...to not rely on anything but HIM for my strength and endurance...above all to be in prayer, handing over my life to HIM so that HE can do His work in me so that I can teach, guide and lead my children.

So, although it may not seem like it in those looooooooong sleepless nights (Oh, wait? Is it day already?!) God is doing a new thing in you. Do not lose hope. He has a plan and a destiny for you. He works all things (did you get that...ALL things) together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)

Mothers, embrace your purpose knowing that God is able to supply EVERYTHING you need in the hard seasons of motherhood! God loves you more than you know.