Purposed for Motherhood

That was not me......never was it my dream or goal, yet it happened....God made it happen. He changed my heart.

From a young age, many girls play "imaginary" cradling her dolls, lovingly changing pretend diapers and dressing baby up for the day. Softly brushing baby's hair and repeatedly putting baby nite-nite. Baby doll in hand, the little mother-figure takes baby shopping while of course making sure baby is secure in the cart.

That was not me....

I could be found (NO JOKE) lining up my dolls, hand on hip, hunched forward, pointer finger out....yell at my dolls.  Don't get me wrong, I did have tender moments with my dollies but they were few and far between. When I came into the "Barbie-stage" things changed and I no longer yelled at my dolls. Instead I played teacher and real estate agent with them, cruising Barbie & Ken around in their magenta Barbie Corvette.

Decades later, I was married. God gifted me with the man of my dreams. He wanted about a million children right after we were married....I was not so sure...

That was not me...

In church on Sunday our Pastor was preaching on John the Baptist, stating that he KNEW his purpose...to prepare the way for the Lord Jesus. As I reflected on his purpose, I struggled with mine. What is my purpose? Am I helping prepare the way for Lord Jesus to be seen and experienced by those in my life?

Over four years, my husband and I struggled with the conversation about having children. Many tears, arguments, sleepless night, chats with our mentors and friends...no resolve. I embraced the "that is not me" attitude and resisted assuming the role as mother. In that fourth year of marriage, God began working on my heart. All of the fears I had about being a mother were selfish, self-centered, focused on my ability to perform and fulfill the "PTA-always perfect-top cookie Mom-always prepared-always have it together" mom stereotype the world had projected on me.

I was finally at a point to start trying for a family...hesitantly starting the very delicate conversation with my husband. I was still struggling with the "that is not me" attitude but I began to open my heart up to the Lord....one month later....GUESS WHAT!?!?! I was pregnant.

To be honest, I struggles with the positive pregnancy test results. I looked in disbelief at the two  little pink lines...God had purposed me for motherhood (yet I was still unsure). Nine-months later, I had my sweet little daughter in my arms, overcoming the fears that I had about not being a good-enough mother.

Eight-months later, I was pregnant with our second, after God's prompting and direction to start trying for a second baby (which, just like the first, look only a month).

As of now, my daughter is just shy of her 2-year birthday and my son is 6-months young. The past two years have certainly been a struggle, trying to embrace my new identity and role; being responsible for teaching my young how to follow Jesus in such a crooked world; balancing motherhood, marriage, full-time work and church involvement. 

It is a tough job yet someone I find it so rewarding...
                   WOW...did I just say...."REWARDING?!?!"

I never thought I would find pleasure in teaching my almost 2-year old the alphabet, numbers, bible verses; teaching her to say please and thank-you; showing her how to put a puzzle together and then a day later (without help) seeing her put the same puzzle together. With my son, seeing him learn to reach for objects, crawl backwards and start "talking." I have even began to consider (please note: CONSIDER) homeschooling....another WOW, considering I told my husband, 'ABSOLUTELY NOT!" about three years ago.

Through the sermon on Sunday, God revealed his purpose for me: I am purposed for Motherhood. It is sometimes hard to embrace fully, to fully understand...does this mean I should have more kids? adopt? pour into the kids I have? pour into other kids? ..... I am still seeking answers from the Lord on these questions, but it is amazing that God so clearly changed my heart from 4-years ago, my "that is not me attitude" to entertaining the idea of having a third child (and even homeschooling).

God is amazing how He works. He brings us close to Him when we surrender our will in exchange for His will to rule in our hearts. It might be a process, but allow Him to do it!

So I leave you with this..... what is your "that is not me" attitude that needs to be surrender to the Lord? 

You just never know what He has purposed for you...