Growing a Boy: Help Me Sail

I knew it would be hard. Yet the hard has not been at all what I expected. Days crying, researching, withdrawing from the world, not knowing what to do. Most days my head feels like it is barely bobbing above the water. I gasp for air. One more wave will surely pull me under. This is not the life I imagined having yet here I am. I seek to have a heart of gratitude, to see the good in all that is around me. I also recognize in the blip of life, these moments are small but the decisions I make in these moments will leave lasting evidence and imprints on my child.

I have a disabled son.

He may not seem it to the looking world. I think that is some of the challenge. The somewhat invisible challenges are often harder for onlookers to embrace because they are not seen--they are not tangible. To be honest, it is hard for me sometimes to embrace them too (and I am his mom). 

Entering first grade, I had such hopes that our boy would thrive. He overcame so much in kindergarten that I thought without doubt he would keep propelling forward in the world of academia. A month into first grade--- road block after road block we have hit. I am left with the desperately difficult decisions-- do we keep going? Do we repeat 1st grade? Do we just "get through" this year and then move to a new school next year? On the surface (or even typing them), the decision does not seem that big. Am I overreacting? Am I hype focused on something that doesn't really matter?

But it does matter. I am his mom. I am his first advocate (along with my husband). We lean into our faith...no matter how little our faith might feel in the face of these mountains. In a moment of desperation, I purchased a necklace on Amazon. A necklace, you may be asking, what does that have to do with your struggle? The gold chain, with a circle pendant, holds a mustard seed. A small, almost unnoticeable mustard seed. If you are the believing type, you may recall the parable. A faith of a mustard seed can move mountains. That is the hope I am clinging to. If I can just hold it together, "muster up" a bit of faith, I can sail through the storm--not drown. The Hope that rests in Jesus alone is enough. He is good. In His love, He gave me my medically complex son. Truly a gift. Through my son (and many tears and toil), my faith deepens. I see God answer prayers in subtle ways. I find ways to uphold others in my community who are also struggling. In my suffering, I strive to serve. To remove my eyes from the pit in front of me and look up and look around. What beauty to behold. Just in this past week, I have seen not one but TWO double rainbows--at just the right time. A visible reminder of God's love and promises to me. What joy and hope. In this past week, a dear friends sent me and unexpected "just because" "I'm thinking of you" gift. Wow! God does see and hear the deep longings of my heart. 

I recognize we are all suffering in some way. We are all facing hardships of varying kinds. I am not alone. I try to fix my eyes on the author of my faith, share my struggles with others, see the struggles of others and cling to my mustard seed of faith. God will work out the details. I simply hold my hands open and up. I surrender, Lord. I give you my little faith, my tears, my toil, my deep pain. Prevent me from drowning. Instead help me sail.

Growing a Boy: I "just" want to be his mom.

As you can imagine, this school year started with many complexities. My plate is crowded with obligations and responsibilities. Does my son have a disability? Yes. Does he need different scholastic accommodations than traditional students? Yes. Does he require therapy within and outside of the school day? Yes! Do I have other children, a job, and a household to run? Yes. However, there needs to be a surrender in the middle of the chaos.  As our family falls into somewhat of a rhythm of the school year, I find myself anxious. I am asking myself questions like:

o   Am I pushing too hard for supports/accommodations?

o   Is it worth disrupting my son's school day for therapy? (and all the make-up work!)

o   When are too many resources/therapies just that…too many?

o   Do I let him grow “as is” or intervene?

 

I find that my phone is tethered to my side during the school day, “just in case” the school calls to tell me that my son had a seizure or something even more catastrophic. Is this a healthy way to live? No.

 

What if I am "just" his mom? What if I fully surrendered my son to the Lord? I realize that my thoughts and feelings are based on fear and worry. When I live here, life and joy are taken from me.  How, then, do you reconcile the practical everyday questions with the life of surrender and trust? 

In all honesty, I don't want to mess this up...for my son or for myself. I don't want to be so wrecked that I walk around with a perpetual lump in my throat, a pit in my stomach, and a doom cloud floating over my head. Sadly, this is how the days have felt recently. God, just take my anxious thoughts. Allow me to surrender. Can I "just" be my son's mom? Can I stop being an advocate for him? 

In this, I pray for wisdom. I pray for healing. The trauma of his birth just keeps seeping in. I can't help but remember our son fighting for his little life at just days old...the pumps, the tubes, the medications...the many unknowns. I do not want to live a life dictated by the past. My son is alive. That should be enough, right? But the wounds are deep. Life is fragile. The mind is fickle. Help me, Lord. Take control over my heart, mind, and soul. You be the one that fills me, Lord. You be the one to answer the many questions I have. You grow him because today.... today, I "just" want to be his mom.

 

Growing in Faith: Widely Complex Emotions {change}

When a season ends, we sit and we reflect. We mourn and we celebrate. We take a deep breath and pause in silence.

What next?

The Band-Aid feels like it is ripped off way too soon, but then you realize that your wounds are healing. They needed air and space so that the skin could be fully renewed.

Seasons in life are like this. What feels like “it is gone too soon” or what feels like “I can’t breathe” when a season changes, we know we are stronger than we were when we first entered the season. Many lessons have been learned. We slowly let our hand off the handrail to realize that we didn’t fall…but in case you were worried, you looked back to see your village standing behind you cheering you on.

You cry. You grieve. Your emotions are widely complex yet you know… 

YOU. ARE. ENOUGH. 

You are seen. You are loved. You, dear friend, have a purpose beyond any purpose you can see for yourself. Just being who you were created to be has left a lasting impression on those around you. You learned to show up—cry with others, pray deeply, listen more closely, and refrain from being the center of every conversation. To be at the table, known by name, is simply enough.

These widely complex emotions are valid. Sit in them. Allow yourself to feel all the feels …then...just then, when you process, cry, and grieve, look up. Know that the Father above looks upon you with deep joy, love, and kindness. You are His. He already knows where the next fork in the road will take you. Trust Him. Trust the road. Have faith that the next season will bring about a great impact on your life. It, too, will change you and heal you in unexpected ways. Lean into it. Change is hard. Change is frustrating and at times anger producing – but don’t sit there. Grieve your loss, come to an acceptance of sorts, and look forward to embrace the beautiful seasons ahead—seasons that have been predestined by the Lord, JUST. FOR. YOU. Yes, just for you.

Those in this season may find their way onto your new path once again, your new road. Welcome them. And at the same time, allow yourself to fully embrace those who walk shoulder to shoulder with you in this new season. Even if the new season is unexpected (or comes far too early), know there is a greater plan. A far greater plan than you may ever know or see. YOU. ARE. SEEN. You are seen so much that, the Creator of all, deeply cares about the widely complex emotions you are feeling. HE. WILL. HEAL. YOU. He will heal you, perhaps not in a physical way, but rather in a deep spiritual way. So let the Band-Aid be removed. Feel all of the feels. Grieve. Accept. Pray. Trust.

GOD. HAS. YOU.

He always has and He always will. Day by day your wounds are healing, your heart is transforming and your new season will change your (body, mind, and spirit) in ways that only the Creator can. Embrace it with deep passion, with deep trust, and great joy. (But it’s okay to take a moment and grieve…allow yourself to sit there for a moment, in silence, washed by the Spirit).

 

Then, move forward in great hope. You have a purpose and a gift the world desperately needs. Share it.

Growing a boy: Triumph

It has been 24-hours since our sweet youngest experienced his "epic" day in hospital-land, 45 minutes away. He enjoyed the special "just with Dad" time and the one-on-one attention from multiple providers (playing peek-a-boo with them as the providers discussed his progress). The day was filled with shuffling from this appointment to this meeting to that scan. It went seamlessly. Our family continues to be impressed with the level of care, attention to detail, honest discussions, and the integration of services we receive on behalf of our son.

So, here is the news:

• Chest x-ray----- CLEAR
• Echocardiogram ---- CLEAR
• Lung Capacity ---- GROWING
• Surgical site ---- UNCHANGED
• Overall development ---- ON TARGET

The team of providers was BEYOND thrilled with our boy, almost surprised at how well he is doing considering his experiences in that first month of life and the two new diagnoses in February. We are thrilled too.

I thank the Lord for the work HE has done in Oliver. God has been faithful to direct us as parents and we willingly submit and obey-- PT--YES....OT---OK! "Special" Preschool--- SURE! Because of God's wisdom and our many "yeses," our son is thriving. Yet, we do not take this for granted. We know that this sweet boy belongs to the Lord. We pray for and will accept God's will for our son.

We will be reunited with the team of amazing providers again (minus the echocardiogram) in 18-months. Praying for another amazing report.

Thank you for joining us in prayer and rejoicing with us.

Growing in faith: Let this cup pass

Jesus knew He was on His way to death. He cried out to God, "My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me." Then, in recognition of God's Almighty Power, Jesus said, "Yet not as I will, but as you will." (Matt 26:39)

This passage reminded me of OSH's day of birth. On the OR table, having just had my premature, unresponsive son cut out of my belly, God directly spoke to me saying, "I giveth and I taketh away. You have to be okay with that, ok?!" 

It was a command. It was a fact. It was a reminder. It brought me comfort. Knowing only God is in control of life and death--no matter what the medial team did or did not do. No matter if the doctors and nurse did everything perfect or not. God told me that He controlled Oliver's life. 

In my Bible reading today, I was struck by Jesus' words, "Yet not as I will, but as you will." (Matt 26:39). In light of all of the recent testing and testing to come on our youngest, I will commit to praying this prayer..."Your will be done, Father, Your will be done."

As I surrender, pray, and accept, I find myself in a glorious spot. I find myself again recognizing the beautiful gift our youngest son is (all of our children for that matter). I find myself staring at him in awe of all he overcomes everyday to perform daily tasks. I am reminded that he needs a bit more patience and direction and handholding (literally and figuratively) to accomplish simple directions. I realize that perhaps I am not the best person to teach him preschool "academics" but I am his biggest advocate and resource seeker. I see that I cannot compare our family dynamic with other families in similar stages because our family must do life slightly different. 

I will pray that God will train up his mind to overcome challenges, but to pray for healing...why? He is perfect just the way God intended him to be. It was and is God's way that our son came into the world as he did. It is God's way that as parents we are refined by the "unexpected," our responses more quickly turning to God than any thing else. 

When I once had no hope, God is faithful. With a few new discoveries and possible avenues of support, I know that I can forge ahead in confidence and faith. Our "perfect" son, just as God intended him to be. I write this with a smile on my face and a joy in my heart. God is holding me fast, teaching me, and encouraging me to look beyond what is right in front, the temporal. God is so gracious to us by giving us Oliver, his "complexities" and all. Our little boy is a miracle. He is a teacher, one who teaches us daily to turn to the Creator. 

 As you will, Father, as you will.

Growing in Faith: I lost my mustard seed

The Bible says that even a small mustard seed of faith can move mountains (Matt 17:20). The Bible says that if we ask anything in His name, He will give it according to His will (Matt 21:22).

I must say, I lack faith.

In a recent pending diagnosis for one of my children, I lack faith. A diagnosis that seems so permanent, disruptive and hard, I am failing to see how God might redeem this. I find it difficult to pray for healing. I find it difficult because when I think about it, it brings me back to the traumatic events of his birth. It conjures up the emotional pain of the first two months of his life that was followed by a difficult 2 years of life. Praying reminds me of his daily struggle and how I see him acting differently than a "normal" preschooler.

How do I get past this? No, really, how!? Any ideas?!

I am fighting for faith yet it feels like an uphill battle. Possibly because we do not yet have answers. Possibly because I can't control this diagnosis. Possibly because I have run out of tools in my mothering-toolbox. 

I want to run away, scream, drink a lot of coffee, shop...but I need to fight this battle on my knees. I need to resist the temptations of this world that would call me to anything other that Jesus. Because my head tells me that this battle will ONLY be won in Him. (I just need my heart to follow).

So, for just this moment (and the next and the next), I will TRY to surrender, open my palms and offer my 1/2 mustard seed of faith. I will TRY to figuratively lay my son at the alter of the Most High and allow Him to work, heal, restore. I will TRY to focus on what God has already done. I will TRY to focus on my son, just how he is! He is not a diagnosis. He is not. He is not a label. He is not! He is a different kind of beautiful...just like we all are.

Please pray for my faith, my husband's faith. Pray for acceptance, answers, tools and PEACE. Pray that we can look beyond what is and see HIM working....because all we need is a mustard seed of faith.

Growing a boy: Climbing a mountain...daily

First...THANK YOU. Thank you all for your prayers. We can feel them. Thank you for your encouragement. We need them! God knew community was so valuable and we are beyond grateful for the one surrounding us now. YOU are a part of that.

So a little update...

OSH IS EXCITED! Wow! He is so excited about his upcoming appointment at the hospital daddy use to work in--so much so that he has already begun to pack his "-uggage" with stuffies and Little People toys. He decided he wants to bring along some clothes and is also wondering if he can take a picture with the big machine...all by himself. He is excited he gets a date with "just dad" and is even more excited to pick any food he wants after his big appointment. This is truly a blessing! It brings me peace to see him excited to go to the hospital for his upcoming "picture appointment." 

God has heard our prayers (but let us keep praying!).

 

From the last blog to this, I spent much time online learning & re-learning about fine motor function and activities that could help OSH strengthen his grasp, specifically pencil grip for preschoolers. (Fine motor skills...something OSH has struggled with since infancy). I found a FANTASTIC blog written by an anonymous occupational therapist describing many activities such as using smaller broken crayons because they "force" a child to use a tighter grip (too bad I just threw out all of our broken crayons) and "pencil grips." Little did I know....WOW...there are VERY strong opinions about pencil grips. I will spare you the details, but we decided to take a "$10 risk" to purchase a pack of three pencil grips. When they arrived yesterday, I was eager to try them out...and OSH DID GREAT! All this to say...neurological deficits (or not), I feel empowered with some new tools that I can use at home to help OSH grow in his "scholastic" and "artistic" and everyday abilities. 

In life, we often take the simple things for granted like holding a pen, holding a toothbrush, scooping yogurt onto a spoon, opening a door handle or pulling up our pants. To my son, these are mountains he has to climb multiple times every. single. day. And I am SO proud of him for doing it! Without realizing, he is persevering through difficult tasks moment by moment with a smile and good attitude (most of the time). He is too young to feel "sorry" for himself and has yet to make up excuses as to why he can't do something. I PRAY he never does. I pray that every day, he keeps climbing up his mountains, conquering them one after the next. I BELIEVE IN HIM! He is my inspiration.

Growing a boy: Ugh! The Turning Point

Nothing about our youngest is "normal." Yet I think about myself, my husband, our other two kids, my friends etc. And then I ask myself, "What really is normal?" because God has made us each so perfectly unique.

Over two months ago, I took OSH to a neurologist, per the recommendation of his Seattle doctors. In that neurological appointment, it was revealed that OSH does have neurological deficits...we just don't know what exactly they are or how extensive they are. The doctor placed OSH in a category, giving him a mild diagnosis (that I do not wish to share out of fear of labels and partially out of an unwillingness to accept such label). It was recommended that OSH receive a head MRI to further explore his deficits as well as a means to better facilitate his growth and learning. However, to get this MRI, OSH would need a COVID test and sedation. 

My initial thoughts, "NO! I WILL NOT PUT MY SON THROUGH THAT TO SIMPLY "KNOW" WHY HE ACTS THE WAY HE DOES...IT DOES NOT CHANGE WHO HE IS!" (as I type, I can feel my blood pressure rise)

My husband agreed that it was not a necessary procedure, especially given the raising cases of COVID in our city. SETTLED! DONE! I had my "normal" boy "back." (I could put his medical difference behind me and continue on as though he was and is in fact, normal.)

As the weeks have gone by since this appointment, my mind and head fluctuated in waves. "Ignorance is bliss, right?" I would say to myself. Or, "does it really matter if we know WHY or HOW these neurological deficits occurred?"  The doctor had three possible reasons for OSH's neurological hyper-responses. But did we need to know?

 

Then...the turning point 

This past week we have seen OSH have a difficult time opening a doorknob or holding his Legos in his right hand. He began to say things like, "Mom, this is not my power hand because it doesn't work as well, it is not stronger." 

Queue the heartbreak, heartbroken, heart shattering song.

My son is different. Now, I need to know why.

So in the coming weeks, on a scheduled Friday, our sweet youngest will stop eating by 2am. He will stop drinking by 8am, he will get sedated and then, in the early morning, have his head scanned. To say that I am terrified is an understatement. Will there be complications with his sedation? How will his lungs do as he is "under?" How will he manage not being able to eat? Will he be able to handle the noises of the hospital? And on and on it goes...

And...only one parent can go. I so badly want to be there with him; however, Daddy stepped up to fill a spot that I think I would otherwise be too emotional to fill. So what then should be my response? 

PRAISE, TRUST, FAITH and HOPE that our little boy was created FOR and BY God. In his life, God will work all things out. So, I *try* to put my fear aside and embrace this opportunity to display God's unrelenting love to our son and to the watching world. Because God has made us all unique, our own kind of normal to show the world just how GOOD God really is.

Please join us in prayer.

Growing in Faith: Witnessing a miracle

Have you ever witnessed a miracle? In my time on earth I certainly have seen a few but in my passage reading today one stands out. It relates to Jesus feeding the crowd of 5,000+ and the crowd of 4,000+ (Matthew 14, 15).

In these passages of Scripture, Jesus takes a few loaves of bread and a few fish and somehow makes it MORE than enough for the people present...even leftovers. Impossible?

Years ago I attended Bible school in Canada. For nine-months I lived on an island with my fiance (and 120 other students from around the world) studying ~85% of the Bible. We participated in daily chores, housekeeping duties, grounds maintenance and once per month outreach activities. During my time there, I participated in a outreach at a local mission. We conducted music for Sunday service, helped in the food bank and on occasion served warm food to our sitting patrons. It was an incredibly humbling and enjoyable act of service. 

On one particular night, a local church was providing the hot Friday night meal--- Chinese food. Boy, it smelled delicious! The weather outside was less than ideal. Dumping rain and frigid temperatures brought in more diners than the normal 100. I forget the number now, but I think the number of people who came for a hot meal was over double than what was expected. The big question: how were we going to serve ALL of these people?

As servers, with hot food dished on paper-plates in hand, we ran back and forth from the kitchen to the seated guests. We had to inform the diners that only one plate of food could be brought out/served per customer (which was not the normal custom). There were many disappointing faces yet they understood. About half way through the night, my fiance and I went once again to check on the food supply. More and more individuals were filing in, needing a free hot meal. 

To our astonishment, the silver trays of Chinese food never when past half empty! We began to serve seconds and thirds. More and more people continued to seek refuge from the cold...AND THERE WAS ENOUGH!  Before our eyes, we witnessed a miracle! No one was "sneak cooking" or adding to the already prepared food...there literally was no more food to give. Yet God, SOMEHOW, made it enough!

To this day, I have NO IDEA how this even happened in practical terms. It literally happened before my eyes and I am still stunned. At the end of the night, there was more than enough food for ALL of the volunteers AND some food leftover as well. Amazing. 

This story reminds me that God will always provide! He does this in unexpected and surprising ways and in the end, all He asks is that we give Him glory for the work He has done.

What miracle(s) is God working on in your life right now? How might you be able to bless others because of the ways God has provided for you?

Amazing, isn't it?

Growing in Faith: You are NOT alone

I missed the mark in my grief after the events of Oliver unfolded almost four years ago. I remained in a self-focused, overwhelmed, negative mindset for months (and longer). I did the best that I could yet reflecting back, I know that God used Oliver to teach me SO MUCH about grief, community, friendships, serving and gratitude. I often fight the "If only".....  If only I could go back and do things differently. If only I could follow Jesus' example in Matthew 14.  It is no good playing the "what if" or "if only" game. BUT-- moving forward I have a choice. Let us learn from Jesus.....

In Matthew 14, Jesus learns His cousin, John the Baptist, was unfairly beheaded. A powerful man of God who prepared the way for Jesus. A man who baptized many and preached the Good News. A man who was a witness to Christ and His miracles....gone because of a selfish king. 

In His grief, Jesus "withdrew from there by boat to a remote place to be alone."  (v. 13). I am sure He cried, mourned and reflected on the life His cousin led. YET- in His grief, a crowd followed Him to that remote place. Selfish, ignorant or not (whatever their motives), the crowds interrupted this private, personal moment Jesus was striving for. Jesus must have wanted to be alone pretty bad (or else why would He have taken a boat across the water)?  

Yet, "when He went ashore, he saw a large crowd and had compassion on them, and healed their sick" (v. 14). Jesus then goes on to feed 5,000 (besides women and children).

In His grief, He served. In His pain, He gave back to others. In His private moment, He recognized the need of others.

I know that I wrote about this in a recent blog, but this lesson never gets old! I think WE need to serve each other! In a hurting church, hurting world, broken communities, fractured corporate infrastructure, difficult decisions having to be made ...how can we give of ourselves to those around us? Are we seeking out the needs of others and serving them with the gifts God has given us? In our pain, are we still choosing to serve?

A challenge for me: move past my challenges, difficulties and overwhelmed heart to serve those around me-- a text message, organizing a virtual tea with a neighbor, a handwritten letter, small gift dropped off on a doorstep, virtual book reading with my niece and nephew.  

 SERVE! There are many physical limitations in our world right now...yet God can work past them. God can WILL inspire you. God WILL bring to mind a creative idea. God WILL respond to you! Are you willing to ask Him? Are you willing to serve Him by serving others? Are you willing to be part of the solution to our hurting world? 

Brothers and Sisters--- Let us be BOLD. Let us be BRAVE to try new things to bring our world together. Just follow the example of Jesus.....

I am praying for you! (If you would like specific prayer, leave a comment or message me!!) 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Growing in Faith: Overwhelmed; Let us pray

I have much to say about the scriptures I read today-- yet my heart is overwhelmed. So here are the general impressions. I pray they speak to you.

• For our nation, especially this week (inauguration), let us pray for unity. Lest we see what Jesus describes in Matthew 12:25 

  “Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand."

 

• Let us be FOR God: "Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters." Matthew 12:30

 

•  What are we thinking---speaking to our generations (family, children, community, co-workers)? "For the mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart." Matthew 12:34
  

 

• Matthew 13:1-9-- discusses the parable of the sower and the reproduction of the planted seed. Many of the seeds do not grow and instead they wither. Only a few produce good fruit.  My remaining questions: Am I producing? Are you producing? What I am producing? What are you producing? Are you hearing what God is speaking to you? 

Matthew 13:13-15

¹³ This is why I speak to them in parables:

“Though seeing, they do not see;
    though hearing, they do not hear or understand.

¹⁴ In them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah:

“‘You will be ever hearing but never understanding;
    you will be ever seeing but never perceiving.
¹⁵ For this people’s heart has become calloused;
    they hardly hear with their ears,
    and they have closed their eyes.
Otherwise they might see with their eyes,
    hear with their ears,
    understand with their hearts
and turn, and I would heal them.’

Growing in Faith: I am offeneded

Offended: resentful or annoyed, typically as a result of a perceived insult.

How often are you offended (see definition above)? I find myself offend quiet often. I make scenarios up in my head about some fictional reason someone has not called me back or reached out. I get offended when my husband puts his dirty dish in the sink (when the dishes in the dishwasher are dirty). And I get offended when my children complain about a meal I spent hours preparing. 

I get offended.

But is this the correct response? No...it is a lack of confidence in my relationships and in my God-given abilities. And I recognize, that being offended (although the emotions are real) does not promote growth towards Christ-likeness.

Jesus has something so say about being offended, "...blessed is the one who is not offended by me." [Matthew 11:6]

As I read, I paused...to be offended by Jesus would mean that I am annoyed at Him or resentful of Him. Or believe that He causes me to stumble. It means I would not share about who He is or what He has done out of fear of being mistreated. To be offended by Jesus would mean that as He directs my life, I would become irritated as He tells me to do this or go there or give away that. In my pride, I would allow Jesus to offend me.

But, dear children, there is a different way! As Jesus leads our lives, He calls us to sit at His feet, humble ourselves and learn from Him. He calls us not to shout or yell in the streets about what we are offended about but rather go away in private, directly to Him. And when we are offended (by Jesus or anyone else) to go to the SOURCE first...don't "bad-mouth" or joke coarsely out of anger or simply to "make myself feel better."

In a season where we can all become offended over politics or COVID restrictions, let us not sin in our "offended-ness." Let us build our confidence in Him who created you. Him who directs all of your steps....in Him who only seeks your good. Dear friends, let us learn from Jesus how NOT to become so easily offended and when we rest in Him, He will give us peace for our weary souls.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

Growing in Faith: No guarantees

 I think you would agree that the Bible is mysterious in so many ways. It lends itself to, at times, more questions that answers. Yet we know that God is in all things and in Him all things hold together. So, if this is the case, does faith and prayer really matter?

In Matthew 9:18-31, we read of two different accounts of four miraculous healing.

1. A woman who simply touches Jesus' robe and is healed
2. A dead, young girl whose hand was touched by Jesus became alive
3. Two blind men whose eyes were touched and then could see

The common factors I gather:

1. A willing, available & compassionate Jesus
   
2. Faith, prayer, request 
• A father's faith that Jesus can heal his beloved daughter; his request for Jesus to come--He showed up and made the young girl alive
  
• A woman's faith and action--just touching His garment (if I can JUST be near Him), I will be healed-- She was!
• The blind mens' faith and proclamation that Jesus could in fact heal them--they were!

It amazes me that despite who made the request, whether the person who was ill or someone requesting on the sick-persons behalf, Jesus responded. He healed! The young girl could not pray for herself, but the father was able--and he did! The results: she became alive! The woman in this story makes a silent request, puts her faith in action and is healed! The two men publicly and out loud declared their faith and presented their request...they were healed also!

I know that the Lord heals in many ways...sometimes He heals with a, "YES! I will heal you!" Sometimes He answers, "Not right now, child." Or even sometimes, He answers, "No, that is not in my will. I have other plans."

The unfortunate dilemma is that we do not know how He will respond until we act...until we pray and act out our faith. We have to learn to be okay with His "Yes" "No" "Maybe" "Not Right Now" response.

Are you willing to take the chance, to be vulnerable with Him and those around, to make your requests known? Are you willing to petition the Lord for the needs of those you love or those in your community? Do you believe that Jesus can heal you--whether it be physical or emotional? There is a risk either way: "what if I ask and He says no?" ..... Well, the reverse is also true-- What if you ask and he says YES!?!

There are no guarantees in our life, except this: Jesus loves you. Jesus came to this earth to live a perfect life so that you don't have to. Jesus died FOR YOU because He loves you and does not want you to be separate from God. If you love Jesus, you will spend FOREVER with Him. That is guarantee enough for me to seek Him first. It is guarantee enough for me to put my faith in Him and make my requests & the needs/requests of others known to Him.

Is it enough of a guarantee for you?

Growing in Faith: When I worry

I had to confess last night to my husband. I had to put into words what my heart and mind were struggling with. After pondering, I knew I had to vocalize my....worry.

Yesterday was a hard, HARD day for our nation. The act of domestic terrorism is appalling. I am not writing this to start a debate, but rather, as an exercise in looking at humanity. No matter what side you stand on, where is the moral ground?

I worry. And at times, I am afraid. 

COVID, my husband, children, our nation, my home, finances, war, death. 

These are just a *few* worries and anxieties I have...there are others like schooling for my children next year, protecting our new flock of chickens (two of which have already died) all while trying to "hold it together."

In Scripture, I am reminded, "don't worry about tomorrow because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:34)

I sighed a cleansing sigh. I breathe a refreshing breath. 

My Heavenly Father knows what I need. He will sustain me, take care of the details and heal my heartaches. Even when I am tempted to sit in my worry, He pulls me away. He has better for me.

As a result, I need to change my focus...not on all of the areas of my life that are hard or frightening but rather on His kingdom. For it says, "But seek first the kingdom of God." (Matthew 6:33). When I do this, I have confidence, from Scripture, that He will provide for my every need.

Cast your worries upon Him. Confess your worries and anxieties. He will do more than comfort you, He will make a way for you in the wilderness of this life and provide far greater things than you could ever imagine. Rest in Him today, and the next day, and the next day after that. 

YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE.

Growing in Faith: That is just too far....

That is just too far.....

I hear this from my kids all of the time when we are biking or hiking (especially on a new, unfamiliar trail). "It is too far." "Where is the end?" "Is it time to stop?" "I'm tired (even though we just started)."

Although is it not quite the same, in Matthew 5:38-42, Jesus calls us to walk the extra mile, go beyond what is requested, asked or demanded of us (whether it seems unfair or not). ...to go beyond what is expected or necessary. 

I am overwhelmed at this thought. "What, God? You want me to DO MORE?" In a season where I already feel burdened, I couldn't imagine stretching myself any more than I already am...but:

I do not believe this is what Jesus is asking of us. 

In context, Roman soldiers could demand any Jewish citizen to carry a load such as food or military equipment, for one Roman mile, as they traveled city to city. It was often forced on that unknowing citizen. It was hard, exhausting and at times excruciating. Why, then, would Jesus state, "And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two."

After prayer and reflection, here is what I came up with:

• As believers, we are called to highlight God. (When I worked in the corporate world, we called it "surprise and delight the customer"). Since going the second mile was uncommon, it would call the Roman solider to inquire as to why the citizen would voluntarily offer such a painful task.
• Going the extra mile displays generosity and expresses a deep unconditional compassion.
  
• Jesus calls us to take care of those around us. By taking their burden, even for just two "short" Roman miles, we are giving space for God to work in their lives in a different manner.
• We are to respect authority (even if we do not agree) and at the same time challenge authority, in a productive and meaningful way.
• Going the extra mile allows us to build (unexpected) relationships though shared experiences and otherwise uncommon connections.

If I had more time (and I wish I did), I am sure I could ponder this thought more. But work and children are beckoning....so, I will leave you with this:

How is Jesus calling you to "go the extra mile," remembering that it is not *doing more* or *adding more* to you list, but rather taking the opportunities presented to you daily as a means to glorify the Lord?

I challenge you to read this short passage for yourself in Scripture, asking God how you might apply this practice of going the extra mile. Is is easy? NO. Is it worth it.....ALWAYS.

 

Maranatha.

~B~

Growing in Faith: Flavorless

After a sales interaction, have you ever walked away with a bad taste in your mouth, so to speak? Something about the interaction just didn't "sit right" with you. You leave feeling perplexed, maybe even slightly frustrated, unsettled, unsatisfied or angry despite purchasing the object you intended to purchase. 

Sometimes as believers, we "taste" like this...we lose our flavor, lose our focus, and as a result can turn people FROM the Gospel instead of towards it. We grumble and complain, critique or argue. We act grumpy, lash out in anger or make events in our life seem so daunting...all. of. the. time. We forget the blessing of our relationship with Jesus. We turn from gratitude.

In Matthew 5:13, Jesus describes us as "salt." Salt had a very important function in Jesus' day: food preservation/prevention of decay and brought out the flavor within food (among other purposes).

The Bible says:

Colossians 4:6 - Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.

Mark 9:50 - Salt is good, but if the salt has lost its saltiness, how will you make it salty again? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with one another.”

As believers, we are called to help prevent decay and immorality in our world, our spheres of influence. We are to bring an important "flavor" or a way of living that promotes life. Our lives are to point TO Jesus by how we respond and engage with our community.

I ask, have you lost your "flavor?" Are you striving towards peace and graciousness within your relationships: marriage, family, friends, neighbors? 

As we continue our transformation into Christ's likeness, let us strive towards "salty speech." Let our lives be reflections of God's graciousness towards us and extend that grace to others. Let our lives be a place where others find rest, where others can come for healing from the decay of this world...a respite. Practice "eating" the Fruit of the Spirit (Love; Joy; Peace; Patience; Kindness; Goodness; Faithfulness; Gentleness; Self-control). Practice being "pouring out" like salt.

You and your world will be better for it.

Enjoy your Tuesday.

~B~

Growing in Faith: Drop it, okay

 You are right in the middle of work (providing for your family, caring for employees and customers). A man walks up to your desk and says, "Follow me and I will make you fishers of men." (Matt. 4:19)

Would you immediately leave your workspace and go? ...without texting, posting, calling anyone. Just go? It amazes me in this passage (Matt 4: 18-22) that these fishermen, Simon-Peter and brother Andrew (then later James and his brother John) do just that. They don't bother cleaning up. They don't stop to tell their boss, co-workers or family where they were going. They don't stop to tell their neighboring fishermen. They just respond. Why? Christ was just THAT important (Matt. 4:20). 

I wrestle with this a little because part of me feels like they have "left their mess" for others to clean up (such as their nets and fishing gear left littering the shore) (or maybe this is the mother in me who is constantly clean up after my littles) yet on the other hand...what great examples of deep faith and faith in action. They recognized Jesus' game plan:

A command: Follow me

A purpose: Become a disciple

A direction: "fish" for men (bring others into His Kingdom

In this new year and new season, what is Jesus calling you to leave behind? Are you willing to yield and surrender to His greater good upon your behalf? Change is hard! For me, I often weight my options, make a spreadsheet, and seek outside counsel, yet...yet when God calls (and calls clearly and directly), it is sin not to obey. So today, I encourage you to respond to God! Stop wavering back and forth. Stop playing the "what-if" scenario game in your mind. Stop posting on social media for confirmation. What God has for you is GOOD! Do you believe it? If you do, then what are you waiting for? Respond in faith. Follow Him, become His disciple and bring others into the Kingdom because of your obedience to Him. It is hard, but when God calls you, He always--ALWAYS makes a way. Trust and believe. It is always worth it.

Blessings-

~B~

Growing a boy: We have a PRESCHOOLER! (almost)

Guess...what....

Oliver is registered for P R E S C H O O L !!!!!!!! In the fall, our sweet miracle will join the ranks of academia. Wow. To be honest, these thoughts were far from my mind. I never pictured him with a backpack and lunchbox walking into the school building. I never imagined him sitting at a desk, following instructions, doing science experiments, "writing," cutting with scissors or playing during recess. This is an amazing milestone. I am beyond excited to take those first day of school pictures in September.

We have a few "hurdles" to overcome before preschool can happen and one of those is potty training. We are -- SLOWLY -- on our way to make this happen but overall he is doing okay. When I talk to him about going to school, he is very excited.

Between now and then here is how you can pray for him (and us):

• Potty Training!! The goal is to have him 100% trained by the start of school in September.
• He needs to wear his glasses! (They got lost so we are currently waiting for his new pair to come in)
• Walking up and down stairs (with alternating feet) with limited support (aka without holding onto the rail).

In comparison to his birth story, these things are so so minor!

FUN FACT:  In 2020, Oliver is a Children's Miracle Network "Champion!"

• What does this mean: Every year, 170 local Children's Miracle Network Hospitals identify a “Champion” in each of their local communities to serve as the face for children treated at their local children's hospital. These ambassadors spend their year advocating for the charitable need of children's hospitals across North America.

At the end of the month we will be attending the Children's Miracle Network Summit to kick off this fantastic year. Be on the look out for his picture at your local Safeway, Costco, etc.

~B~

Growing a boy: Knowing the difference

Learning new things is good, right. (I say this as I laugh). It has been a long time since I have had to study something and then be "tested" on it. This is how I feel as I learn about parenting Oliver in a new way.

My alarm went off this morning as these thoughts challenged me regarding having a child with sensory sensitivity....

What is the difference between:

• discipline vs. redirection (do you disciple? how...without evoking triggers & without going to the extreme of not disciplining)
• "terrible twos" vs. a child with sensory challenges
• tantrums vs. meltdowns

Other questions:

• How do you parent three young kids (16 and 15 months apart in age) with one of the three requiring "different" parenting. How do you handle the appearance of "special treatment" or special privilege among the three kids? 
• With regard to boundaries and expectations: what is Oliver really capable of? We have a raised bar of exception for our children. Do we need to adjust them without labeling or holding back our son? 
• How do we talk about Oliver's challenges without labeling or restricting what he can do? What words do we use to describe Oliver (or do we need to describe him at all? ..surrendering the need to justify the way God made him).
•  What tools can we use to prevent "craziness" at pick-ups or after church service or while checking out books at the library or buying groceries in the store?
• What tools are there for me to emotionally cope as our son has a tantrum/meltdown and is running away from me screaming and not listening?

These are questions that we are seeking answers for. We know there is no manual or easy answer, but, if this is our new reality, how can we succeed, doing the best for Oliver, for our other two kids, for our marriage, parenting and community? So I end this blog with these questions, desiring to honor God in all we do as we embrace this sweet child that God created and made live.

Growing a boy: Today was an "opportunity"

....yes, an opportunity. I am striving to refrain from calling it a setback or hindrance or a difficulty. I am in the process of re-framing my mind to seek joy and gratitude above all else.

The opportunities today were:

• Trust God
• Be vulnerable (crying in about three or four different conversations...I mean the  not pretty, ugly cry)
• Remind myself of my true identity in Christ
• To believe in my kid(s)...NO MATTER WHAT their actions may display
• PRAY (like crazy)
• Seek support

I am sure there were many more opportunities in my day as I cared for Oliver and the other two. It was an "opportunity" type of day. Not many days lead me to tears but today, I finally broke. At school drop off when a staff member asked how I was....I just started to cry. When I picked up our oldest and Oliver was "being Oliver" I just about lost my mind...no really. I fought back tears the whole way home (about a 25 min drive!). It was a tough day. The emotional build up from Monday and this icky sickness that is clouding my mind, making it foggy, just put me over the edge.  I know there will be hard days. I know there will be huge successes. And above all, I know that God is in them all. He has put me here to bring Him glory. He has made me Oliver's mom to refine me and draw me closer to Him. He has allowed these circumstances so that I can encourage others who share similar stories. This is all good...but today, I faced many opportunities. :)

OSH was so cute today. I gave him a purple rice "heat" pack, thing (weighted). He carried it around all morning calling it his "dinosaur." It was pretty adorable. Someone had sent the rice pack to Oliver's NICU room in Seattle as a gift for me, to help with the healing of my c-section. It is amazing that Oliver is now in possession of this precious and useful gift. A perfect picture of God's foresight. He wore is glasses all morning (with the tape on the inside of each lens) without taking them off! Huge success! He did pretty good at walking up and down the stairs today alternating feet (working in his bilateral coordination and strength). Reflecting on these things, it was a good day.

Why is it that it is so easy to focus so much on the bad or the hard? Dwelling on what could have or should have been? Or on the things that we simply just cannot handle?! But God is so good as He shows us His tender love as we process through these big and small events, reminding us that our identity is not in our circumstances. It is not in what has happened to me (or those around us). We should solely fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith. In that, our circumstances look different. In light of spending eternity with God, these "opportunity-type days" are just that....an opportunity to put into practice all that God is calling us (me) to be, all He is and has taught us....We are His beloved. Loved by our Creator despite what is/has happened. It is an opportunity to extend to ourselves the Grace the Jesus extends to us....to accept it, believe it.

So yes, today was an "opportunity-type-day," but in today, I saw/felt so much love extended to me as I poured out my heart to others, sought prayer and was reminded of my real idenity in Christ. What a blessing to have a compassionate community who loves Jesus and each other.

Praise be to God!