Saturday, June 30, 2018

Growing a boy: "Just" teething

Every. Single. Little. Thing.

It all seems so complex with our little miracle boy. From a twitch to a cough to not eating enough to eating too much...my mind goes to the worst possible scenario and the worst possible diagnosis.

I am an emotional mess. I shouldn't be, right? This is my third child. But every thing IS different.

Over the past week, our sweet almost 15-month old cut an upper tooth, screaming ALL day last Sunday. Over this week he has had a slight fever, excessive grumpiness and a shoulder-to-ear "twitch-thing" which seemed to progress throughout the day yesterday (I did capture it on video). I was unable to get a same-day appointment so I had to wait until today.

My mind and body whirled as I waited for the time to drop off the "bigs" at Gram-Gram's house so I could have an uninterrupted conversation with the doctor about these concerns. In the meantime, I consulted a few friends and the on-call nurse at the peds office to see what I may have been missing. 

Am I overreacting? What can I do better to help my son? Are these symptoms simply nothing? I hoped to find out.

My 1:50pm arrival time came. Just my son and I. We checked in a few minutes early. The normal vitals were taken. So far so good. The "sick-doctor" on-call was one I had never seen before. She knew nothing of our boy's complex arrival (birth) and his even more complex medical history. I showed her the "shoulder-ear twitch" video (as she half watched it while she typed notes) and I talked about my concerns. Her exam was quick, removing some excessive ear wax from his right ear. The exam did not produce any remarkable results only swollen gums...."It's probably just teething. We get at least one case a day related to this. There is nothing to worry about."

I began to cry. (Why am I crying? Because EVERY, Every. Single. Little. Thing. It all seems so complex with our little miracle boy).

Really...nothing to worry about?!? Do you know my son? Do you know that I thought he was close to death on at least 2-3 occasions? Worry? I worry about EVERYTHING with this boy (despite what the Bible says about this). I worry when he sleeps on his face. I worry that he will have to wear leg braces to walk. I worry about the two cavities he has and how I could have done better at keeping his mouth clean regardless of all of those sugary medications he was on for almost a year. I worry about his oxygen levels when his lips turn slightly blue because he is cold. I now worry about this shoulder-ear twitch "thing" that the doctor did not seemed too interested in. Maybe she is right. Maybe it is nothing. Maybe it is just teething. Or maybe it is more than that. Either way, I must put my trust in the Lord and also trust the instincts He has given to me.

For now, I am exhausted, Our littlest is now sleeping and the "bigs" tear up the house. And here I am, typing. I guess I am just not over what happened last year leading up to his birth and the months that followed. It is a process, I guess I just have to keep trusting the Lord for all of the things He spoke to me, His unfailing promises. And time...and patience. I have to trust that time (whether a few hours, or a few days) will reveal if there is truly something wrong or if it is simply "nothing to worry about."

So...just teething and an emotional, exhausted momma....that is the diagnosis.

Wednesday, June 27, 2018

Growing a boy: The (un)donated dress

With the amazing weather and three growing kids, it was time to purge excessive toys no longer played with and clothes that no longer fit. It is a joy to raise our kids in a community of friends who have children around the same ages as our three. As such, I sent out a group text to a few of my other "mom" friends, inquiring if they were interested in some pretty party-type dresses our almost 4-year daughter has recently outgrown. I love being able to pass along the blessing of clothes as so many have passed clothes along to us.

I snapped a few pictures and off went the text. No big deal.

The day came to deliver the dresses to my friend who lives just down the street. I folded them nicely, wrapped them thoughtfully, like a present, and put them in the car to drive them over.

A few minutes into my short drive, stopped at a red light, I glanced down at the three dresses carefully and lovingly placed in the passenger seat next to me. Without permission, my body got cold my hands clammy and my breathe shortened. The light was now green. I proceed forward in the direction of my destination with a feeling of panic, overwhelming trepidation and unaccounted for discontentment.

What in the world was going on?!

At the next red light, I peered down once again at that floral party dress. In a brief moment, pictures and memories flooded back into my mind...our daughter wore this dress--the exact dress that was in the passenger seat--when are family was joined together for the first time (all 5 of us), on Easter when our preemie son was just 14-days old and still in the NICU at the children's hospital 45-minutes North of our home.

In such a short time the overwhelming events of our son's early birth nearly 14-months ago and near death during the first hour(s) and weeks of his life flooded my memory.

Pulling into my friends driveway, I put the car in park and just sat there, thinking, processing, remembering. Within minutes I had hopped out of our silver car, delivered two of the three party dresses and climbed back into my vehicle. I immediately texted my friend, who had joined my family in prayer and struggle during our son's early days, telling her that I was struggling to get rid of this particular dress. She was nothing but supportive and kind in her response back (THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS, FRIEND!!).

A few deep breathes later, I was reversing out of the long driveway towards Target to pick up a few household necessities. Parking the car, I felt these overpowering emotions again. I stuffed them down so I could complete my short shopping list. Two stores later, I found myself sitting in Payless Shoes in the back of the store about ready to have a tear-fest. Really?! Here? Now?

This experience reminded me that grief comes and goes. Its onset comes from unexpected places (a floral party dress) at very unexpected times (at a red light). It reminds me that, although our 14-month-old son is now very healthy, he almost did not survive on more than one occasion in those early first few days of life. It reminded me to have grace towards myself as I navigate this new season of life--having a healthy (almost toddler) in comparison to the uncertain outcome of his life at birth. It reminded me that it is okay to stop, cry, live in the moment by recognizing it and then move on (although this one is lingering a little more that I expected). It reminded me that when I am weak, HE (Christ) is strong. In my weakness, I can allow God to overtake the hard circumstance and just rest...like a babe in his mother's arms. I feel like I did that today in Payless (of all places), sitting on the stool in the back of the store, closing my eyes, taking deep breathes and inviting God to take over...to help me process...to help me accept (once again) the hardships endured at my son's birth. HE reminded me that His promises are always right and always true. HE reminded me that I am in the clutch of His palm, protected, safe, secure, seen, recognized. HE gave me peace. I am still emotional...not necessarily about the dress...but over the events the dress reminded me of...the very first time our family of five was united.

So, I will keep the dress as a memorial stone. I will remember the joy of having my three kids together for the first time on one of my favorite holidays, Easter. I will remember the first egg hunt our big kids did at their cousin's house before we brought our family together in the hospital. I will remember how of first son was so tired after the Easter events that he was fitfully strapped into the double stroller in his baby brother's NICU room. I will remember putting on silly bunny ears and bunny glasses for our first family picture...all 5 of us. This dress is significant. It reminds me of a time of joy and a time of heartache. It reminds me of God's victory in our suffering.

I have a feeling that I will be dealing with our son's unexpected early birth for the rest of my life in varying degrees. And that is okay. I am thankful to our close friends and family who join us in this journey and those who pray for us. Parenthood is never easy. Grief is never easy. We bond together, one day at a time trusting that each day will provide new insight, healing and deep restoration.

Shalom.


Tuesday, June 26, 2018

Sabbath Summer: "Buying" My Kids

Sticking close to home has some amazing treasures-- staying in our PJs most of the day, enjoying the new, soft green grass in the backyard, endless laps run around our house and even a few visits to the fire station down the street and the play park at the school next door.

But in an attempt to make our home "more appealing" to the kids (as if the overflowing toy bin and the litter of outdoor toys isn't enough), I have found myself trying to make everything "special" which usually means adding in more sweet treats than usual, bending the rules, or purchasing "fun little" gifts to bring my kids "endless" joy. I realized that I have been trying to "buy" my kids instead of enjoying my kids...like having relationship isn't sweet enough on its own. This is a costly danger in more than one way!

Maybe this is where I have gone wrong in so many of my personal friendships too...expecting great "things" instead of the more simple, more authentic and more beautiful "things"-- conversation and connection.

There is a difference between the occasional surprise or the occasional "I will bend the rules about TV Friday and let you watch a show" kind of allowance but when it becomes a lifestyle, a go-to, it looses its "special-ness" and it truly takes away from the bond between a mother and child, father and child or a friend and friend. There becomes this expectation that, if unmet, leads to dissatisfaction. In truth, God is the only one who can truly satisfy us. No amount of worldly things (or sweet treats) can ever fill the void of longing/acceptance we have except for God. 

Am I trying to be "god" to my child by trying to satisfy them in a way that only God can? Am I just pacifying them with treats as a means to just survive the day (trust me, some days this is TOTALLY worth it and okay)? Am I trying to earn their favor by being the "good-guy" through bent rules or exceptions? Whatever the reason, I know that money (or sweet surprises) will never be the solution. I also know that giving gifts as a means of love is a very slippery slope...once you start sliding down it is very difficult to stop. I want to teach our kids to love me (and others) for who I am (they are) not what my children can get from me (others). It is not about what a person can give you but rather who they are...hoping for deep and authentic connections through conversation and shared experiences. Again, don't hear me wrong, it can bring both the giver and receiver great joy in the thoughtfulness of gifts yet it should not be the primary means of expression of love. Really, what is comes down to is the heart motive.

So, where do I go from here? Honestly, I don't know. Maybe by starting to see "special" in our every day traditions like our devotions around the breakfast table or the "special-ness" of our post-dinner walk to feed the chickens across the street. It is about quality time engaging with my children, being present and listening to what interests them and playing into those interests.  It is about asking my children for help as we prepare meals or make a grocery list...engaging in the simply everyday tasks and focusing on those things. Bringing life back into focus of the "root-of-family" that binds us together and brings our focus to the Lord, serving Him and serving the others around us. The adage, seek to serve, is one that I wish to teach my children. I want to serve them (and those around me). I desire my children to do that same. To do this, I must stop "buying" them with excessive "special-ness" and bent rules by focusing on just loving them for them...not what I can give them or what they can give to me in return but just love them for them.

Happy Sabbath Summer!












Monday, June 25, 2018

Summer Sabbath: Patience & Trust

Last week, June, my 14-month old son had a follow-up appointment with the gastrointestinal department. Up until a few months ago it has been a struggle to get him to eat certain foods due to reflux and to teach him to drink from a bottle/sippy cup (he was born prematurely, with little chance of survival at birth).  Due to an overwhelmed schedule we MISSED his scheduled early December appointment. I have NEVER missed any appointment or follow-up.

I received a letter in the mail notifying me of the missed appointment and I was devastated! I was so anxious to have this appointment as well as meet with a dietitian but we some how overlooked it on our busy schedule and could not get rescheduled until last week.

At the time of receiving the letter, I called the office and gladly accepted the June appointment...even more anxious because it was 4-months out and anxious because I was concerned about my son.

Fast forward to the appointment: As I prepared the diaper bag to head out to the medical office, I had a smile on my face. I KNEW that my son no longer needed this service from the gastrointestinal department at the children's hospital. This appointment, which happened to occur during Sabbath Summer, made me realize the lack of patience and trust in my own life towards God and His plans/ways.

Since birth I have been concerned about my son's eating and digestion. I kept detailed charts and logs of medications, formula in-takes, solid foods consumed. Throughout his 14-months of life, doctors told me that our son would eventually grow out of many of these digestive issues and his three medications. Was it that I didn't want to believe them? Was it that I wanted to rush the process? I wanted answers then and there. I wanted our son to be "fixed" NOW! I was (still am) an exhausted, sleep deprived mother of three, stretched thin by my marriage, kids, full-time work, church involvement, friends... (the list goes on). I confess, I wanted it...him...to be fixed so that I could "move on" to other things. (I confess my pride here too!).

Now our son is a growing, healthy boy who is eating anything and everything without any restrictions (except for the size of his finger foods). I know that perspective is always 20/20 but this experience made me realize my lack of trust in God's ability to take care of our son (and us!).

It was a very good revelation that God showed me...that God is good even when we can't see it. He is working things out in His timing and in His way. He requires us to patiently endure in long-suffering and steadfastness in Him...even when we don't know the outcome or the path is not yet made clear. This is the same "skill" required for developing deepened relationships--steadfastness and patiently enduring the good and hard in relationships.

This experience also revealed to me that we cannot force God's hand. Outside His will, we might be able to force a solution, an outcome or control the situation in some way yet the results are unsatisfying, challenging and often times end up creating more stress and anxiety. Some situations just require TIME and PATIENCE. No matter how badly I wanted my son to be "fixed" or how many appointments I forcefully scheduled nothing would change the fact that God required TIME for my son to outgrow the struggles he as enduring which required me to patiently accept where our son was. Instead of wanting him to be at the end of this, to enjoy the PROCESS of reaching the end...pressing deeper into God rejoicing in His favor and embracing the discipline of patience.

Moving forward in this Sabbath Summer, I wish to adopt this discipline of patience: with God, with my husband, with my kids, with my friendships, with communication, with purchasing, with everything. I will attempt to see God moving before I predetermine my will verses God's will and His way.  I will practice patience which will also help me practice trust.







Friday, June 22, 2018

Sabbath Summer: Resisting the Rush

Rest has always been a difficult thing for me to "accomplish." (See, even there I am driven). I desire to keep moving, keep going, plan the next meal, next party, next activity. It seems almost unnatural for me to stop, pause, breath and rest.

Summer Sabbath is teaching me to rest. I need to rest!

Since first establishing "SS" I have taken a different perspective to my world. I have noticed how I strive to clean even while I am playing with my children. I always find something to put away instead of just sitting on the floor to play dolls. When guests come over I fight the urge to clean up the meal while we are still in conversation. Going out, I rush my children to "get to the (car/play-park/store/etc.)" instead of enjoying the process and marveling at what they are discovering--what they are seeing wonder in. (Although I do believe that sometime YOU JUST NEED TO GET TO THE CAR! or put shoes on).

Oh, how much have I missed by my drive and desire to be busy and rushed.

I am thankful God is revealing this heart of mine so that I can surrender and be more present with those I am in the presence of. For me, this is a battle--- a literal battle---that takes mental and physical constraint. It takes capturing every thought unto the Lord and trusting that all of the important things that need to be accomplished WILL get accomplished (perhaps in a different pace). It is teaching me that it is okay to have dishes piled in the sink and unfolded laundry in baskets lining the wall in my living room. Because, after all, my children are only this young once in their lifetime.

SS is teaching me to savor the little but big movements: my first son's stamina to run...even at 2 1/2, my youngest son learning to drink from a sippy cup, my daughter's excitement when she wakes up with a dry pull-up (SO close to no more pull-ups!!). One child praying for the other. When my children clear their own meal dishes. When manners are used without prompting. When toys are shared generously. These are the moments I am savoring in this season of rest.

My eyes have been opened to see the good in my children--not just the areas that need re-directing or discipline. It is wonderful to see and know how precious each one is to God the Father and how I get to enjoy them for just a little time on this earth.

So, in this SS I am practicing rest--resistance to rush. Savoring the little moments. It has been a joy and I am excited to see what else God will reveal---although it might create more work. :)

Monday, June 11, 2018

Growing a Family: Our Sabbath Summer

This summer we declare a Sabbath Summer. By definition Sabbath means rest as to set apart as holy. I might not fully understand all of the complexities of what Sabbath means biblically, but what I do know is that Scripture calls us to "cease strive and know that I [God] am God." Psalm 46:10 (See a Full definition of Sabbath here).

So, our family is going to try this--- resting in God's provision. The rule of Summer Sabbath is simple: Trust God.

In practical terms this means sticking close-ish to home, not pre-planning our summer activities or daily outings. It means being obedient to where and when God calls us to go somewhere or do something. It means limiting the stresses of this chaotic season of life (and one of these stresses is taking my 1, 2, and 3 year olds anywhere by motor-vehicle by myself). It means focusing on the simple yet difficult command in Mark 12:30-31:
30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’There is no commandment greater than these.”

We start this summer with loose boundaries of staying close to home, surrendering our friendships to the Lord and taking joy in celebrating God's Gift of Love through reading scripture and through service. Our goal is to get back to a more simple, clutter-free, media-reduced life, hoping that through this-- more authentic interactions will grow into long established friendships and serving others would become second nature.

If you know anything about me and my extroverted nature, this will be difficult. It is certainly a disciple that will influence (positively) many other area of my life... marriage, relationships with my kids, friendships and service to the church body and community. I pray that through this discipline of Sabbath Summer God will change the way I think and value the people and things around me. I am excited and slightly apprehensive at how this will all play out but after pondering it more I realized....

Isn't this how I should be living anyway?!!?

In those terms, it could also be called a "reset" summer. Whatever it is called, I pray that it brings Glory to God and refocuses our family to what really matters. So...here is to a summer full of the unexpected. A summer of trusting God. A summer of hopeful simplicity. And a summer of authenticity, openness and sharing the Gospel through lifestyle.

In Joy---

Maranatha