Growing a Boy: Help Me Sail

I knew it would be hard. Yet the hard has not been at all what I expected. Days crying, researching, withdrawing from the world, not knowing what to do. Most days my head feels like it is barely bobbing above the water. I gasp for air. One more wave will surely pull me under. This is not the life I imagined having yet here I am. I seek to have a heart of gratitude, to see the good in all that is around me. I also recognize in the blip of life, these moments are small but the decisions I make in these moments will leave lasting evidence and imprints on my child.

I have a disabled son.

He may not seem it to the looking world. I think that is some of the challenge. The somewhat invisible challenges are often harder for onlookers to embrace because they are not seen--they are not tangible. To be honest, it is hard for me sometimes to embrace them too (and I am his mom). 

Entering first grade, I had such hopes that our boy would thrive. He overcame so much in kindergarten that I thought without doubt he would keep propelling forward in the world of academia. A month into first grade--- road block after road block we have hit. I am left with the desperately difficult decisions-- do we keep going? Do we repeat 1st grade? Do we just "get through" this year and then move to a new school next year? On the surface (or even typing them), the decision does not seem that big. Am I overreacting? Am I hype focused on something that doesn't really matter?

But it does matter. I am his mom. I am his first advocate (along with my husband). We lean into our faith...no matter how little our faith might feel in the face of these mountains. In a moment of desperation, I purchased a necklace on Amazon. A necklace, you may be asking, what does that have to do with your struggle? The gold chain, with a circle pendant, holds a mustard seed. A small, almost unnoticeable mustard seed. If you are the believing type, you may recall the parable. A faith of a mustard seed can move mountains. That is the hope I am clinging to. If I can just hold it together, "muster up" a bit of faith, I can sail through the storm--not drown. The Hope that rests in Jesus alone is enough. He is good. In His love, He gave me my medically complex son. Truly a gift. Through my son (and many tears and toil), my faith deepens. I see God answer prayers in subtle ways. I find ways to uphold others in my community who are also struggling. In my suffering, I strive to serve. To remove my eyes from the pit in front of me and look up and look around. What beauty to behold. Just in this past week, I have seen not one but TWO double rainbows--at just the right time. A visible reminder of God's love and promises to me. What joy and hope. In this past week, a dear friends sent me and unexpected "just because" "I'm thinking of you" gift. Wow! God does see and hear the deep longings of my heart. 

I recognize we are all suffering in some way. We are all facing hardships of varying kinds. I am not alone. I try to fix my eyes on the author of my faith, share my struggles with others, see the struggles of others and cling to my mustard seed of faith. God will work out the details. I simply hold my hands open and up. I surrender, Lord. I give you my little faith, my tears, my toil, my deep pain. Prevent me from drowning. Instead help me sail.

Growing a Boy: I "just" want to be his mom.

As you can imagine, this school year started with many complexities. My plate is crowded with obligations and responsibilities. Does my son have a disability? Yes. Does he need different scholastic accommodations than traditional students? Yes. Does he require therapy within and outside of the school day? Yes! Do I have other children, a job, and a household to run? Yes. However, there needs to be a surrender in the middle of the chaos.  As our family falls into somewhat of a rhythm of the school year, I find myself anxious. I am asking myself questions like:

o   Am I pushing too hard for supports/accommodations?

o   Is it worth disrupting my son's school day for therapy? (and all the make-up work!)

o   When are too many resources/therapies just that…too many?

o   Do I let him grow “as is” or intervene?

 

I find that my phone is tethered to my side during the school day, “just in case” the school calls to tell me that my son had a seizure or something even more catastrophic. Is this a healthy way to live? No.

 

What if I am "just" his mom? What if I fully surrendered my son to the Lord? I realize that my thoughts and feelings are based on fear and worry. When I live here, life and joy are taken from me.  How, then, do you reconcile the practical everyday questions with the life of surrender and trust? 

In all honesty, I don't want to mess this up...for my son or for myself. I don't want to be so wrecked that I walk around with a perpetual lump in my throat, a pit in my stomach, and a doom cloud floating over my head. Sadly, this is how the days have felt recently. God, just take my anxious thoughts. Allow me to surrender. Can I "just" be my son's mom? Can I stop being an advocate for him? 

In this, I pray for wisdom. I pray for healing. The trauma of his birth just keeps seeping in. I can't help but remember our son fighting for his little life at just days old...the pumps, the tubes, the medications...the many unknowns. I do not want to live a life dictated by the past. My son is alive. That should be enough, right? But the wounds are deep. Life is fragile. The mind is fickle. Help me, Lord. Take control over my heart, mind, and soul. You be the one that fills me, Lord. You be the one to answer the many questions I have. You grow him because today.... today, I "just" want to be his mom.

 

Growing in Faith: Widely Complex Emotions {change}

When a season ends, we sit and we reflect. We mourn and we celebrate. We take a deep breath and pause in silence.

What next?

The Band-Aid feels like it is ripped off way too soon, but then you realize that your wounds are healing. They needed air and space so that the skin could be fully renewed.

Seasons in life are like this. What feels like “it is gone too soon” or what feels like “I can’t breathe” when a season changes, we know we are stronger than we were when we first entered the season. Many lessons have been learned. We slowly let our hand off the handrail to realize that we didn’t fall…but in case you were worried, you looked back to see your village standing behind you cheering you on.

You cry. You grieve. Your emotions are widely complex yet you know… 

YOU. ARE. ENOUGH. 

You are seen. You are loved. You, dear friend, have a purpose beyond any purpose you can see for yourself. Just being who you were created to be has left a lasting impression on those around you. You learned to show up—cry with others, pray deeply, listen more closely, and refrain from being the center of every conversation. To be at the table, known by name, is simply enough.

These widely complex emotions are valid. Sit in them. Allow yourself to feel all the feels …then...just then, when you process, cry, and grieve, look up. Know that the Father above looks upon you with deep joy, love, and kindness. You are His. He already knows where the next fork in the road will take you. Trust Him. Trust the road. Have faith that the next season will bring about a great impact on your life. It, too, will change you and heal you in unexpected ways. Lean into it. Change is hard. Change is frustrating and at times anger producing – but don’t sit there. Grieve your loss, come to an acceptance of sorts, and look forward to embrace the beautiful seasons ahead—seasons that have been predestined by the Lord, JUST. FOR. YOU. Yes, just for you.

Those in this season may find their way onto your new path once again, your new road. Welcome them. And at the same time, allow yourself to fully embrace those who walk shoulder to shoulder with you in this new season. Even if the new season is unexpected (or comes far too early), know there is a greater plan. A far greater plan than you may ever know or see. YOU. ARE. SEEN. You are seen so much that, the Creator of all, deeply cares about the widely complex emotions you are feeling. HE. WILL. HEAL. YOU. He will heal you, perhaps not in a physical way, but rather in a deep spiritual way. So let the Band-Aid be removed. Feel all of the feels. Grieve. Accept. Pray. Trust.

GOD. HAS. YOU.

He always has and He always will. Day by day your wounds are healing, your heart is transforming and your new season will change your (body, mind, and spirit) in ways that only the Creator can. Embrace it with deep passion, with deep trust, and great joy. (But it’s okay to take a moment and grieve…allow yourself to sit there for a moment, in silence, washed by the Spirit).

 

Then, move forward in great hope. You have a purpose and a gift the world desperately needs. Share it.

Growing a boy: I had a moment of PTSD

Our family is settling in after Oliver's February diagnoses (2021). What felt hopeless and insurmountable for Oliver has now become our everyday---managing medication, incorporating PT & OT into daily routine, researching/education and shifting how we parent to better accommodate how our sweet youngest processes life. It has been an adjustment but an honor to see this little man's life unfold and to rely on God to give us wisdom and direction in the middle of this pandemic. 

Looking back on Oliver's last 4 and a half years of life, it is a privilege to stand where I do. To watch him thrive in preschool--almost mastering skills I thought he would never learn. Peering at his sweet sleeping face, holding his creations from school and reflecting back on his amazing use of language and words. I am in awe.

Despite the growth I have seen, I had a flashback moment today while driving to pick up Oliver's siblings from school. Exhausted from preschool, Oliver quickly fell asleep within 5 minutes of being buckled into his car seat. As we drove the 25-minute drive to his sibling's school, down the leaf covered street, Oliver began to sporadically cough in his sleep--more of a gag. His eyes closed---sleeping, still, not moving.

Instantly, my mind went to worst case scenario. I was reminded of when he stopped breathing after we finally brought him home. I was reminded of the time when Tyler rapidly drove Oliver to the ER, rubbing Oliver's sternum almost the whole way. My mind recalled the pain of trying to feed him while dealing with his reflux coughing fits.

In the pouring rain on a gloomy fall day, with snowing leaves, I had a moment of PTSD.

Every few seconds I looked back---my mind conjured up a thousand questions (& panicked scenarios) while trying to keep in my minivan in the yellow lines on the wet roads:

• Is he breathing? Does he have color? Is his chest rising and falling? Is he moving---at all? Do I need to call 911? Should I wake him up or let him sleep? 

What felt like an hour (seriously) was really only two stop lights. By that time, Oliver cleared his throat, moved his hands and adjusted his head -- almost as if to say, "Nothing to see here. I am fine, just choking a bit on my saliva while I sleep."

I could have had a heart attack; my heartrate was so high.

**SIGH** Relief.

I pulled the van safely into the school parking lot, reversed into a parking spot and about lost it. Grief. Pain. Hardship. All of those "not so fun" emotions from a "not so easy" season of life--I need to let him sleep. I need to recover from my emotions. A kind act from another mother--who brought my other two children to my van while Oliver slept--was just the moment I needed. A moment of grief, a moment of acknowledgement--sitting there for just a moment--before I had to jump back into my role as a "Mother of Three"

I am thankful that mother, unknowingly, gave this moment to me. I am grateful I could recognize but not linger in my grief. In the past, it would have taken a while for me to "snap out of it." The Lord has blessed me with healing, with joy, with peace about all the events we faced as a family upon Oliver's arrival.

I had to laugh a little though--of course ALL of this comes on the eve of his annual surgical follow-up (which includes a chest x-ray, nutritionist, echocardiogram among other tests/procedures). It has been a while since I have had such a blatant reminder of Oliver's tough beginning of life story. 

So, I sit here at my computer--all three children snug in their beds for the night--grateful. Oliver continues to remind me of just how precious this life is. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. What we do--What we say--How we say it-- it ALL matters. I hope you take this as a reminder too...we simply trust the Lord, submit our ways to Him and He will always show us the way. He will always be our Healer. He will always bring us through our hard things--whether on earth or in Eternity with Him.

Glory be to God Almighty.

Growing in Faith: I lost my mustard seed

The Bible says that even a small mustard seed of faith can move mountains (Matt 17:20). The Bible says that if we ask anything in His name, He will give it according to His will (Matt 21:22).

I must say, I lack faith.

In a recent pending diagnosis for one of my children, I lack faith. A diagnosis that seems so permanent, disruptive and hard, I am failing to see how God might redeem this. I find it difficult to pray for healing. I find it difficult because when I think about it, it brings me back to the traumatic events of his birth. It conjures up the emotional pain of the first two months of his life that was followed by a difficult 2 years of life. Praying reminds me of his daily struggle and how I see him acting differently than a "normal" preschooler.

How do I get past this? No, really, how!? Any ideas?!

I am fighting for faith yet it feels like an uphill battle. Possibly because we do not yet have answers. Possibly because I can't control this diagnosis. Possibly because I have run out of tools in my mothering-toolbox. 

I want to run away, scream, drink a lot of coffee, shop...but I need to fight this battle on my knees. I need to resist the temptations of this world that would call me to anything other that Jesus. Because my head tells me that this battle will ONLY be won in Him. (I just need my heart to follow).

So, for just this moment (and the next and the next), I will TRY to surrender, open my palms and offer my 1/2 mustard seed of faith. I will TRY to figuratively lay my son at the alter of the Most High and allow Him to work, heal, restore. I will TRY to focus on what God has already done. I will TRY to focus on my son, just how he is! He is not a diagnosis. He is not. He is not a label. He is not! He is a different kind of beautiful...just like we all are.

Please pray for my faith, my husband's faith. Pray for acceptance, answers, tools and PEACE. Pray that we can look beyond what is and see HIM working....because all we need is a mustard seed of faith.

Growing a family: Defeated in the Victory

 Have you ever felt defeated even in your victory? Today feels like that kinda day.

1. A decision was made.
   
2. I am on my way in a few short minutes for one of two medical appointments this week.
3. My son has an even bigger appointment in just a few days.
4. We are celebrating a birthday and a half-birthday.

 

So much to celebrate. So much to mourn. So much to process. So much to just trust it ALL with the Lord.

The Lord is faithful, even in our failings. The Lord is faithful, even when we make a decision (not knowing what is better or best). The Lord is faithful as we wait for diagnosis. The Lord is always faithful. 

We must remember this when we feel defeated on our victory. Why? BECAUSE WE ARE VICTORIOUS! We stand in a position with the Most High. Because HE fights for us. As our pastor said on Sunday--we know the end of the Book. We win. 

Let us hold that posture today. We might **FEEL** defeated but we are not. We are victorious IN HIM and in Him, He works all things together for good.

I will try to rest in this today. Will you?

Growing a boy: Climbing a mountain...daily

First...THANK YOU. Thank you all for your prayers. We can feel them. Thank you for your encouragement. We need them! God knew community was so valuable and we are beyond grateful for the one surrounding us now. YOU are a part of that.

So a little update...

OSH IS EXCITED! Wow! He is so excited about his upcoming appointment at the hospital daddy use to work in--so much so that he has already begun to pack his "-uggage" with stuffies and Little People toys. He decided he wants to bring along some clothes and is also wondering if he can take a picture with the big machine...all by himself. He is excited he gets a date with "just dad" and is even more excited to pick any food he wants after his big appointment. This is truly a blessing! It brings me peace to see him excited to go to the hospital for his upcoming "picture appointment." 

God has heard our prayers (but let us keep praying!).

 

From the last blog to this, I spent much time online learning & re-learning about fine motor function and activities that could help OSH strengthen his grasp, specifically pencil grip for preschoolers. (Fine motor skills...something OSH has struggled with since infancy). I found a FANTASTIC blog written by an anonymous occupational therapist describing many activities such as using smaller broken crayons because they "force" a child to use a tighter grip (too bad I just threw out all of our broken crayons) and "pencil grips." Little did I know....WOW...there are VERY strong opinions about pencil grips. I will spare you the details, but we decided to take a "$10 risk" to purchase a pack of three pencil grips. When they arrived yesterday, I was eager to try them out...and OSH DID GREAT! All this to say...neurological deficits (or not), I feel empowered with some new tools that I can use at home to help OSH grow in his "scholastic" and "artistic" and everyday abilities. 

In life, we often take the simple things for granted like holding a pen, holding a toothbrush, scooping yogurt onto a spoon, opening a door handle or pulling up our pants. To my son, these are mountains he has to climb multiple times every. single. day. And I am SO proud of him for doing it! Without realizing, he is persevering through difficult tasks moment by moment with a smile and good attitude (most of the time). He is too young to feel "sorry" for himself and has yet to make up excuses as to why he can't do something. I PRAY he never does. I pray that every day, he keeps climbing up his mountains, conquering them one after the next. I BELIEVE IN HIM! He is my inspiration.

Growing a boy: Ugh! The Turning Point

Nothing about our youngest is "normal." Yet I think about myself, my husband, our other two kids, my friends etc. And then I ask myself, "What really is normal?" because God has made us each so perfectly unique.

Over two months ago, I took OSH to a neurologist, per the recommendation of his Seattle doctors. In that neurological appointment, it was revealed that OSH does have neurological deficits...we just don't know what exactly they are or how extensive they are. The doctor placed OSH in a category, giving him a mild diagnosis (that I do not wish to share out of fear of labels and partially out of an unwillingness to accept such label). It was recommended that OSH receive a head MRI to further explore his deficits as well as a means to better facilitate his growth and learning. However, to get this MRI, OSH would need a COVID test and sedation. 

My initial thoughts, "NO! I WILL NOT PUT MY SON THROUGH THAT TO SIMPLY "KNOW" WHY HE ACTS THE WAY HE DOES...IT DOES NOT CHANGE WHO HE IS!" (as I type, I can feel my blood pressure rise)

My husband agreed that it was not a necessary procedure, especially given the raising cases of COVID in our city. SETTLED! DONE! I had my "normal" boy "back." (I could put his medical difference behind me and continue on as though he was and is in fact, normal.)

As the weeks have gone by since this appointment, my mind and head fluctuated in waves. "Ignorance is bliss, right?" I would say to myself. Or, "does it really matter if we know WHY or HOW these neurological deficits occurred?"  The doctor had three possible reasons for OSH's neurological hyper-responses. But did we need to know?

 

Then...the turning point 

This past week we have seen OSH have a difficult time opening a doorknob or holding his Legos in his right hand. He began to say things like, "Mom, this is not my power hand because it doesn't work as well, it is not stronger." 

Queue the heartbreak, heartbroken, heart shattering song.

My son is different. Now, I need to know why.

So in the coming weeks, on a scheduled Friday, our sweet youngest will stop eating by 2am. He will stop drinking by 8am, he will get sedated and then, in the early morning, have his head scanned. To say that I am terrified is an understatement. Will there be complications with his sedation? How will his lungs do as he is "under?" How will he manage not being able to eat? Will he be able to handle the noises of the hospital? And on and on it goes...

And...only one parent can go. I so badly want to be there with him; however, Daddy stepped up to fill a spot that I think I would otherwise be too emotional to fill. So what then should be my response? 

PRAISE, TRUST, FAITH and HOPE that our little boy was created FOR and BY God. In his life, God will work all things out. So, I *try* to put my fear aside and embrace this opportunity to display God's unrelenting love to our son and to the watching world. Because God has made us all unique, our own kind of normal to show the world just how GOOD God really is.

Please join us in prayer.

Growing in Faith: Overwhelmed; Let us pray

I have much to say about the scriptures I read today-- yet my heart is overwhelmed. So here are the general impressions. I pray they speak to you.

• For our nation, especially this week (inauguration), let us pray for unity. Lest we see what Jesus describes in Matthew 12:25 

  “Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand."

 

• Let us be FOR God: "Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters." Matthew 12:30

 

•  What are we thinking---speaking to our generations (family, children, community, co-workers)? "For the mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart." Matthew 12:34
  

 

• Matthew 13:1-9-- discusses the parable of the sower and the reproduction of the planted seed. Many of the seeds do not grow and instead they wither. Only a few produce good fruit.  My remaining questions: Am I producing? Are you producing? What I am producing? What are you producing? Are you hearing what God is speaking to you? 

Matthew 13:13-15

¹³ This is why I speak to them in parables:

“Though seeing, they do not see;
    though hearing, they do not hear or understand.

¹⁴ In them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah:

“‘You will be ever hearing but never understanding;
    you will be ever seeing but never perceiving.
¹⁵ For this people’s heart has become calloused;
    they hardly hear with their ears,
    and they have closed their eyes.
Otherwise they might see with their eyes,
    hear with their ears,
    understand with their hearts
and turn, and I would heal them.’

Growing in Faith: No guarantees

 I think you would agree that the Bible is mysterious in so many ways. It lends itself to, at times, more questions that answers. Yet we know that God is in all things and in Him all things hold together. So, if this is the case, does faith and prayer really matter?

In Matthew 9:18-31, we read of two different accounts of four miraculous healing.

1. A woman who simply touches Jesus' robe and is healed
2. A dead, young girl whose hand was touched by Jesus became alive
3. Two blind men whose eyes were touched and then could see

The common factors I gather:

1. A willing, available & compassionate Jesus
   
2. Faith, prayer, request 
• A father's faith that Jesus can heal his beloved daughter; his request for Jesus to come--He showed up and made the young girl alive
  
• A woman's faith and action--just touching His garment (if I can JUST be near Him), I will be healed-- She was!
• The blind mens' faith and proclamation that Jesus could in fact heal them--they were!

It amazes me that despite who made the request, whether the person who was ill or someone requesting on the sick-persons behalf, Jesus responded. He healed! The young girl could not pray for herself, but the father was able--and he did! The results: she became alive! The woman in this story makes a silent request, puts her faith in action and is healed! The two men publicly and out loud declared their faith and presented their request...they were healed also!

I know that the Lord heals in many ways...sometimes He heals with a, "YES! I will heal you!" Sometimes He answers, "Not right now, child." Or even sometimes, He answers, "No, that is not in my will. I have other plans."

The unfortunate dilemma is that we do not know how He will respond until we act...until we pray and act out our faith. We have to learn to be okay with His "Yes" "No" "Maybe" "Not Right Now" response.

Are you willing to take the chance, to be vulnerable with Him and those around, to make your requests known? Are you willing to petition the Lord for the needs of those you love or those in your community? Do you believe that Jesus can heal you--whether it be physical or emotional? There is a risk either way: "what if I ask and He says no?" ..... Well, the reverse is also true-- What if you ask and he says YES!?!

There are no guarantees in our life, except this: Jesus loves you. Jesus came to this earth to live a perfect life so that you don't have to. Jesus died FOR YOU because He loves you and does not want you to be separate from God. If you love Jesus, you will spend FOREVER with Him. That is guarantee enough for me to seek Him first. It is guarantee enough for me to put my faith in Him and make my requests & the needs/requests of others known to Him.

Is it enough of a guarantee for you?

Growing in Faith: Drop it, okay

 You are right in the middle of work (providing for your family, caring for employees and customers). A man walks up to your desk and says, "Follow me and I will make you fishers of men." (Matt. 4:19)

Would you immediately leave your workspace and go? ...without texting, posting, calling anyone. Just go? It amazes me in this passage (Matt 4: 18-22) that these fishermen, Simon-Peter and brother Andrew (then later James and his brother John) do just that. They don't bother cleaning up. They don't stop to tell their boss, co-workers or family where they were going. They don't stop to tell their neighboring fishermen. They just respond. Why? Christ was just THAT important (Matt. 4:20). 

I wrestle with this a little because part of me feels like they have "left their mess" for others to clean up (such as their nets and fishing gear left littering the shore) (or maybe this is the mother in me who is constantly clean up after my littles) yet on the other hand...what great examples of deep faith and faith in action. They recognized Jesus' game plan:

A command: Follow me

A purpose: Become a disciple

A direction: "fish" for men (bring others into His Kingdom

In this new year and new season, what is Jesus calling you to leave behind? Are you willing to yield and surrender to His greater good upon your behalf? Change is hard! For me, I often weight my options, make a spreadsheet, and seek outside counsel, yet...yet when God calls (and calls clearly and directly), it is sin not to obey. So today, I encourage you to respond to God! Stop wavering back and forth. Stop playing the "what-if" scenario game in your mind. Stop posting on social media for confirmation. What God has for you is GOOD! Do you believe it? If you do, then what are you waiting for? Respond in faith. Follow Him, become His disciple and bring others into the Kingdom because of your obedience to Him. It is hard, but when God calls you, He always--ALWAYS makes a way. Trust and believe. It is always worth it.

Blessings-

~B~

Growing in Faith: FIGHT

Sunday: Not what I was expecting. A leaky roof and a husband who took a COVID test due to "unexplained symptoms." I would have never predicted these events yesterday when I laid my head on my pillow for the night. Yesterday, life seemed a little less stressed and (dare I say) "normal." Yet today, God had other plans for our family. Plans to rest more deeply in Him and cozy up for a ride that would allow our faith to be put into practice.

In the passage I read yesterday (Matthew 4), after Jesus had been baptized, He was lead to the desert where He was tempted. In His flesh, did He know that after His baptism His faith would be tested?   Despite knowing or not knowing, Jesus relied on His knowledge of Scripture and His relationship with God the Father to sustain Him during these tempting trials. He could have thrown up His arms in surrender (to the wrong thing!!) and acted in His flesh. Yet even when encountered with the "hard things" (temptations from the devil), He leaned in -- fighting them rather than embracing them. 

What things are you facing in your life today that you need to lean in and FIGHT rather than embrace? Maybe it is apathy? Fear? Anxiety? Have you knowingly or unknowingly surrendered to the "wrong thing... the temptations that are starring you in the face?  

Whatever it is, F-I-G-H-T!  

Use the Words of Scripture as your sword and your relationship with Him as your army. You can and will conquer. I am reminded of this verse: 1 Corinthians 10:13

¹³ No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

 

So... as I press into my day (leaky roof and the fear of a positive COVID test), I lean in and FIGHT with the power of God encompassing me and the Truth His Word brings. It is WORTH it.  

 

Today, what are you fighting? What will your weapons be? Lean in, dear friends, and FIGHT! He is with you.

Growing a boy: Knowing the difference

Learning new things is good, right. (I say this as I laugh). It has been a long time since I have had to study something and then be "tested" on it. This is how I feel as I learn about parenting Oliver in a new way.

My alarm went off this morning as these thoughts challenged me regarding having a child with sensory sensitivity....

What is the difference between:

• discipline vs. redirection (do you disciple? how...without evoking triggers & without going to the extreme of not disciplining)
• "terrible twos" vs. a child with sensory challenges
• tantrums vs. meltdowns

Other questions:

• How do you parent three young kids (16 and 15 months apart in age) with one of the three requiring "different" parenting. How do you handle the appearance of "special treatment" or special privilege among the three kids? 
• With regard to boundaries and expectations: what is Oliver really capable of? We have a raised bar of exception for our children. Do we need to adjust them without labeling or holding back our son? 
• How do we talk about Oliver's challenges without labeling or restricting what he can do? What words do we use to describe Oliver (or do we need to describe him at all? ..surrendering the need to justify the way God made him).
•  What tools can we use to prevent "craziness" at pick-ups or after church service or while checking out books at the library or buying groceries in the store?
• What tools are there for me to emotionally cope as our son has a tantrum/meltdown and is running away from me screaming and not listening?

These are questions that we are seeking answers for. We know there is no manual or easy answer, but, if this is our new reality, how can we succeed, doing the best for Oliver, for our other two kids, for our marriage, parenting and community? So I end this blog with these questions, desiring to honor God in all we do as we embrace this sweet child that God created and made live.

Growing a boy: Today was an "opportunity"

....yes, an opportunity. I am striving to refrain from calling it a setback or hindrance or a difficulty. I am in the process of re-framing my mind to seek joy and gratitude above all else.

The opportunities today were:

• Trust God
• Be vulnerable (crying in about three or four different conversations...I mean the  not pretty, ugly cry)
• Remind myself of my true identity in Christ
• To believe in my kid(s)...NO MATTER WHAT their actions may display
• PRAY (like crazy)
• Seek support

I am sure there were many more opportunities in my day as I cared for Oliver and the other two. It was an "opportunity" type of day. Not many days lead me to tears but today, I finally broke. At school drop off when a staff member asked how I was....I just started to cry. When I picked up our oldest and Oliver was "being Oliver" I just about lost my mind...no really. I fought back tears the whole way home (about a 25 min drive!). It was a tough day. The emotional build up from Monday and this icky sickness that is clouding my mind, making it foggy, just put me over the edge.  I know there will be hard days. I know there will be huge successes. And above all, I know that God is in them all. He has put me here to bring Him glory. He has made me Oliver's mom to refine me and draw me closer to Him. He has allowed these circumstances so that I can encourage others who share similar stories. This is all good...but today, I faced many opportunities. :)

OSH was so cute today. I gave him a purple rice "heat" pack, thing (weighted). He carried it around all morning calling it his "dinosaur." It was pretty adorable. Someone had sent the rice pack to Oliver's NICU room in Seattle as a gift for me, to help with the healing of my c-section. It is amazing that Oliver is now in possession of this precious and useful gift. A perfect picture of God's foresight. He wore is glasses all morning (with the tape on the inside of each lens) without taking them off! Huge success! He did pretty good at walking up and down the stairs today alternating feet (working in his bilateral coordination and strength). Reflecting on these things, it was a good day.

Why is it that it is so easy to focus so much on the bad or the hard? Dwelling on what could have or should have been? Or on the things that we simply just cannot handle?! But God is so good as He shows us His tender love as we process through these big and small events, reminding us that our identity is not in our circumstances. It is not in what has happened to me (or those around us). We should solely fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith. In that, our circumstances look different. In light of spending eternity with God, these "opportunity-type days" are just that....an opportunity to put into practice all that God is calling us (me) to be, all He is and has taught us....We are His beloved. Loved by our Creator despite what is/has happened. It is an opportunity to extend to ourselves the Grace the Jesus extends to us....to accept it, believe it.

So yes, today was an "opportunity-type-day," but in today, I saw/felt so much love extended to me as I poured out my heart to others, sought prayer and was reminded of my real idenity in Christ. What a blessing to have a compassionate community who loves Jesus and each other.

Praise be to God!

Growing a boy: Exploring Sensory

Hello All- As you can imagine, my mind is flooded since yesterday's discovery as I slowly put pieces together regarding Oliver's (possible) sensory stuff.

I have a MILLION questions: "are sensory bins really needed? Why do they help? How do they help? Should OSH wear his ear muffs all of the time? Am I enabling him or creating a dependency for them instead of allowing him to learn how to "cope" with the world around him? (And the list goes on!) I am learning that there is no "user manual" or step-by-step instructions but rather 1) seeking the Lord 2) trusting His wisdom 3) studying/observing Oliver in a new way and finally, 4) trial and error. Even though I am overwhelmed today at what all of this could (and DOES) mean, God provides...and here is how:

My beloved dropped the two older kids off at school so it was just Oliver and I, palling around before my Bible study started. I had to make a quick stop at the grocery store before the meeting. Since the store just opened, and only one other car was in the parking lot, I decided not to give Oliver his ear muffs. In the store, our normal discourse occurred (on repeat, I might add), "where are we going? What's that sound? Did you see it?" (Three common questions OSH asks at least 85-hundred-million times a day (in the words of our second child). I rambled off what I saw and heard and then directed his questions back to him like I normally do. It was a fairly uneventful trip. However, at the check-out line, the woman ahead of me, who also had a young child, started to engage with Oliver. She asked him his name and how old he was. Through the conversation, it came out that she was a special education teacher who teaches "sensory kids." WHAT!?! What providence it that!?! I reached out for her and told her that I needed her input on this recent discovery. We then chatted in the parking lot (while Oliver wiggled and squirmed in my arms). She "KNEW" my son! This (sensory whatever-he-has-thing) is REAL! She said, I bet he loved being outside more than inside. YES! She gave some examples of tools she has used with kids. She affirmed the use of ear muffs whenever he might be in a situation that is loud, busy or chaotic. It was like she gave me permission to not justify Oliver or why he is wearing ear muffs or why he doesn't act like a "normal" 2.5 year old. I felt excited. This is a real life thing. In addition, we have a PT appointment scheduled for tomorrow! I am hoping we can continue to learn more about Oliver.

I still have NO clue on what all of "this" means or how to help Oliver, but it feels so great knowing that I AM a good parent! That Oliver is just not "acting out." He has a real problem and now I can help him navigate towards a solution (or solutions). For me, really, this is life changing! I no longer have to feel embarrassed about his outbursts or his intense personality. I don't have to make excuses for him or explain his whole birth story to prove the point that "he has just gone through a lot." Yes, Oliver HAS gone through a lot but I am so thankful that he is alive. He displays God's character is so many ways. It is my privilege to teach him how to emphasize those amazing attributes. I am blessed ... SO BLESSED... by all of your loving feedback, prayers, ideas, podcasts, and acknowledgement. This new discovery has taken a huge mental toll but I know that we are not alone in this! Keep your advice and resources coming! And please pray for us! I fight the thoughts that I am just "making this up" or "making a bigger deal out of this then I need to." 

I am so, so grateful for every one!

Growing a boy: sensory disorder?

 Oliver has never done anything without grand expression...his gestation, birth and following have proved that. Recently, our nearly two and a half year old has been leading us to question ourselves as parents as we pull every tool we used on the other two kids (and then some) out of our parenting toolbox. Daily I feel like a failure because I cannot redirect or calm our very vocal and "wild" child. And trust me, it is not for a lack of trying!

The beginning of the summer our family focused on learning the Fruit of the Spirit (Gal 5). The Lord must have led me to this because in this trying season I frequently play the fruit of the spirit song in my head, begging God to refine me with patience and kindness towards Oliver.

Recently, I have been so embarrassed by his random tantrums, outbursts and mood swings. They occur out of nowhere....at his big sister's kindergarten pick-up line or the grocery store or even just loading up in the car to go somewhere. Everything seems to be a "big deal" and most of the time it feels like a battle. I weigh my options..."is it really 'worth' it to take him out in public to pick up the milk or can we until daddy comes home so I can run out quickly." I hate to say it (but in all honesty) I need LOTS of breaks from Oliver. I use nearly all my patience and emotional reserves on parenting him (and since dealing with my extremely low iron and IV iron infusions in August, this has become even less in my reserve tank!). Upon going out, I have to prepare myself for the possible glares and stares (and even "helpful" parenting advice) that I know will occur WHEN Oliver has such a fit.

Well, today I **THINK** I learned something new about Oliver which may lead us down a different parenting track (and possibility even more PT/OT appointments we already have....ugh!). But I am excited! Read on...

A year ago November, we moved into our home. We finally made time to tackle unpacking, organizing and cleaning the garage. In doing so, my handsome groom found the child-sized noise canceling ear muffs. The three kids clamored at the new "toy" and took turns using them as they played in the driveway. As I looked up from the stove out into the driveway (Tyler was out there with the kids), Oliver was so happy wearing those ear muffs. Not once did I see him throw a big tantrum (well, until we tried to put them away for dinner). For the last few weeks, at random, my groom would allow Oliver to wear these treasured ear muffs as they "worked" side-by-side.

Today, I had an idea. I wanted to experiment. The library was on the agenda today so I decided to allow Oliver to wear them....in the car, in the library, to the bike shop and into the grocery store. WOW! What a HUGE difference!

Upon entering the library, the librarian noticed his ear muffs (and a BIG muss about the happen) and immediately handed me a sensory box full of sensory toys (something I am vaguely familiar with). A weighted snake, textured balls, and a calming water-oil-upside-down-turny-thing captured his attention at once and he calmed down. I was amazed. Literally in an instant of placing the weighted snake on his chest/tummy, he calmed down. A part of me was a little sad at another looming label...."I have a sensory kid" but the greater part of me was overjoyed to see him relax and settle back into the stroller, looking so at ease and comfortable. He visited the bike shop and grocery store with little incidence and we even had a quick visit with a local police officer. I feel like he "lasted" a lot longer on this trip than previous trips we have taken. In all honestly, I was not expected as good of a day as we had (shame on me!).

So, I would say that today was a huge success. I had to work through the awkward stares that I received when others noticed Oliver wearing ear muffs (and all of the labels that go with that) but I felt like a proud mom today...loving my kid, putting his needs first above others' opinions, taking care of him, listening to my instincts and discovering something new about him. I am now reading up on sensory processing disorder and the possible link to his premature birth. In doing so, I also remembered the weighted bean-bag they placed on his legs while in the NICU and how, at two weeks old, that calmed him down. A whole new world has opened up for me today. If any of you have helpful resources or ideas or tricks we can try please pass them along! I want to feel confident in my parenting approach. My desire is to not need breaks from him but to better understand who God has created him to be and to play into that!

Thanks all for reading and joining us in this journey of raising our sweet, precious Ollie.

Getting healthy: Stop Comparing

I did it!! I stepped onto the scale. To be honest, I was a little nervous at first, not knowing what to expect but I figured that I need a baseline, right?! (And we allllll know that the scales at the doctor's office always add least 7-10 pounds, right? So my weight from last week's visit didn't "really" count).

I am not as far off as I thought I was but the hard facts, the number...well, they never lie.

Three days strong now...on my path to becoming healthy. I had many food successes yesterday and had a lot of inner-battles surrounding the snack drawer but overall, I am very pleased. I also had only two cups of coffee, one of which was DECAF! Yes, you read that right...can you believe it? Movement successes abounded yesterday & today too...I chased my kids, danced more when I played music. jogged on the treadmill this morning and found my fitbit (which is still not charged...on my list to do today). Spiritually: still trying to figure this one out. Maybe I should start by finding 10-15 minutes per day to just pray, maybe read? This goal seems doable.


HONEST CONFESSION:

I want to preface that this blog is (hopefully) not (seen as) a platform of my complaints, but rather encouragement for you and me for the sake of growth & for my personal accountablity (which, by the way is working!).

The start of this journey (months back) was rough. I saw other moms with two, three kids or more, looking fabulous. I was jealous. I did not have the time (what I am finding now it was really lack of motivation), to get my "smokin'-hot-momma body" back--(which by the way, at no point in my life have I actually, truthfully saw myself this way). I was comparing.

This journey is not about comparison.

It is rejoicing in the successes of others (and for myself, rejoicing in the small victories like drinking water with every meal yesterday) and realizing that we ALL have some type or insecurity/struggle--be it our physical health, our marriages, finances, balancing our work, traumatic birth experiences, loss of loved ones, complicated child/adulthoods or the pesky hair that grows on our chins (did I really just type that!?!). There is always something we want to strive towards changing yet we often forget to CELEBRATE the good stuff that is happening. So let us stop comparing. Lets start celebrating! (OH---sounds like a great party theme!).

Months back, I found find myself thinking that I was not good enough, strong enough or that somehow others have it figured out way better than I did (motherhood, working out, meal prep, ect.). But these thoughts are all false. I caution you: do not fall into this spirit of comparison...it will only hurt you deeply and take your eyes off all of the glorious things you are, you have and you do.

When I take a step back from my, "I am so alone, no one likes me and understands what I have gone through" mindset, I realize that who ever is reading this right now is dealing with something---maybe to the same degree, maybe more, maybe less, maybe something entirely different...regardless, we are all doing the best that we can do.

It is NOT about comparison. It is about encouragement!

A few weeks ago a friend suggested that we join a gym together. The first thought was, "Oh, no, she will now really see just how out of shape I am." This mindset has been with me since junior high or maybe even before: never show weakness, push through, fake it until you make it. I am glad I realized this about myself. It is okay to be weak (I said it!) in some areas...this is an opportunity to grow, improve and ENJOY the process. And enjoying it I have (at least on day three). :)

I hope this blog empowers you to enjoy where you are and moves you towards where you want to be. Until the next post!

Growing a boy: Two Years Later

Almost two years have passed since that fated day of our youngest child's birth. This time of year, March leading into April, still holds many emotions for me. I am told that the strong emotions from such a tragic event will ease with each passing year but to-date it still feels fresh.

My mind is flooded with the physical pain my body endured two-years ago (the water-balloon in my tummy that held my sick little boy). I remember the contractions, the weight of the fluid, waddling because of the weight, hardly being able to stand. I remember being admitted to the hospital for the first time: prepping my spring quarter classes from the hospital bed and the relief from the jetted bathtub in the room. I remember being discharged after receiving steroid shots for my unborn baby's lungs and the medication that was suppose to stop my heavy contractions. I remember still not knowing what was wrong with my boy.

Laying on the couch back home, coming to terms with that fact that I would most likely deliver a "NICU baby." The worst though, was the re-admission into the hospital...being told I would not leave until my baby was born (and the separation this would cause between me and my other two children). The words, "Your son has some type of birth defect but we just don't know what it is" still burn in my mind. The nurses who would have to "sit cozy" with me for an hour at a time just to get a heart reading on my son and the final decision....the words, "your son has 50/50 percent of survival." Seriously, what do you do with those words? They still effect me today. I won't even go into the emotions of when his cord was cut and his chances of survive dropped to 1% or less...oh, yeah...and the unplanned trip 45-mintues North my son took (with daddy) via ambulance while I had to stay put and the decision to cut open my son's chest at day 5 as a "last ditch effort to save him." I just can't go there right now.

Nothing about that time two years ago was easy. Yes, I now have a healthy, thriving boy, but his birth still haunts me. The moments of being torn between my son in Seattle and our two other 45-min south in our hometown. To this day I question if I "did it right" leaving one child to be with the other two OR leaving the two to be with the one child. We did the best we could do.

I fight the thoughts/fears that I was not "nice" to our friends or appreciative of them. Was I really a bad friend? Was I ungrateful? Did I express my appreciation enough? Ask forgiveness enough? Push people away or expected too much? Keep everyone in the loop enough? A lot of "icky" feelings surround this period of my life...feeling like I failed-- that I just did not do it "right" (whatever that really means).

It has been two years of healing. Up until his 15-month milestone, our boy still required so much of us medically, emotionally and physically. It really has just been in the past 8 months that he has been a "normal" little boy. EIGHT MONTHS! Not very long, actually (for the first time, right now, I did this math...eight months). What a fight it has been. I still struggle losing my baby weight (which I beat myself up for on a daily basis). I struggle to recognize that I truly did the best I could during this season of life (& whether my best was really good enough).  I struggle trying to parent three children so close in age with the added task of continuing home physical therapy "games" and activities to help our youngest use his right side (hand & foot) consistently.

Life is hard. I know we all have seasons that are difficult and painful events that happen. This season for just happens to be my trigger. I am thankful the Lord is always with me and that HE speaks truth to my heart and soul. Without Him, I would be completely lost. I thank God almost daily for what he did on April 2 and the days leading up to and the days following. It is a memorial stone for me to reflect back on His grace and mercy in my life...how close I felt to Him during that time and how He spoke so clearly to me on the OR table, "Brandi, I giveth & taketh away. You have to be okay with that, okay?" God's words spoken directly to my heart help me have a new view on the life I live. Thank you Jesus that you are my Healer and with each passing year you heal my soul just a little more. Praise be YOUR name forever.  Amen

Sabbath Summer: OH NO! My phone is full!

"PRAISE THE LORD! My phone's memory is full!"

When I started this Sabbath Summer journey in May, those certainly were not words you would have heard coming out of my mouth but almost three months later I find it to be a joy that my phone's memory is full. And here is why:

Prior to this journey many people would often comment on how much I would post on social media and my craze for always having to capture the moment on camera. It's true. My husband, who is not on social media, would also frequently comment that everyone knows so much about our lives that it left little room for actually "catching up." I mean, why would you need to catch up if your whole life is on display for everyone to witness and in the front row at that! Convicted by this and the growing evil in the world, the momma bear came out in me. First and foremost I want to protect my children. Next, I wanted to cultivate deep, authentic relationships which would happen face-to-face instead of screen-to-screen.

I started by first deleting the offending phone app (I am sure you can all guess what that is). From there, I stopped posting all together for a period of time and made a pact to myself to only log-on when at an actual computer. It worked! Next, I decided to put my phone down. Instead of being known as the one who instantly returns text messages, I found that I would have 7, 8 or even 9 or more unread messages at the nights end. I saw this as a victory.

With my children, I also began to think about them as young grade schoolers. Did they give me permission to post their lives so publicly for the world to see? Is it an invasion of THEIR privacy in which I have spoken for them by making a decision that it was okay to be so open with so many strangers about THEIR lives? With the increase in child-trafficking, I want to leave little room for someone to go after my three precious littles when so much information is already easily available (and some of it from me!!). How scary!

Not to mention the vast amount pictures and videos I have accumulated. I create family "year" books and even at that there are SO many pictures I max out the page numbers AND picture limit every year. I found that I often remember the picture of an event before I remember the actual event. I would like this to change. This has been a hard one for me and a habit/mind-set that I have had for almost two decades. Yet, with a full phone memory, it helps me stay present and embrace the ordinary making is permanent in my mind rather than a picture.

I recently read an article about a teacher who posed the journal prompt, "I don't like cell phones because...." The results were sad, convicting and eye opening. Her grade school students made comments like, "I wish phones were never invented." "My parents care more about their phones than me." "Phones are more important than I will ever be." WOW! Is this the generation that we are creating? Are these the feelings we are making our children have by being a phone-obsessed generation? I want to choose different for my children. Tonight I asked my daughter this, "Does mommy spend too much or not even time on her phone?" In the same feeling as the children above, she said, "too much mommy." Even with a valiant attempt, I am still on or near my phone too much. I am so glad my 4-year, in her honesty, told me how she felt. It is a reminder of the greater thing in life--relationship. One day my daughter (and my sons for that matter!) will be grown, having her own friends, hopefully in college, and  working. She may be married. She might even move out of the state...so WHAT AM I DOING!?! Wasting theses precious moments in time tied to a "meaningless" device that brings great separation between me and those I love the most. Please, do not mishear me. I think phones are fantastic! I love snapping pictures, calling, connecting through messaging/FaceTime and even the ability to do a quick web-search. Brilliant...but when phones take the place of (or overshadow) important relationships and being present then this inanimate object has GOT to take the backseat.

Obviously, I still have a ways to go in this area (as convicting as my daughter's response was!). Yet today, victory! My phone's memory is full. If you asked those you love the same question, what would their response be?

Sabbath Summer: Stuff & Friendships: The Simple and the Conflict

Mostly everyone gets it...the desire to have a simple life, simple home, uncomplicated relationships. To have never-ending peace, tight-deep connections with a few intimate friends. A life that is above all honorable to God.

The efforts of this SS have forced me to explore this idea of simplicity in an even deeper, more meaningful and practical way. At first, it started with purging my overwhelmed schedule. Summer. Summer schedule would be filled with a few things: church on Sundays, Pray and Play group twice a month on Tuesdays and our annual family Bible focused trip to Canada. Everything else was put on hold, surrendered to God, in hopes that He would renew my mind on this quest of a life of Sabbath-- a life of remaining connected to Him, seeking Him for friendships, seeking Him for scheduling meetings and ultimately seeking Him to satisfy me.

I have learned in this process a few things about my friendships and my physical stuff.

First, my physical possessions. I (and we as a family) have too much! If you have journeyed with me over the years, you will know that I have been on this journey of simplicity of my stuff for over three years. At this point, it continues. My closet is slimmed down to about 35 hangers or less and about three medium sized drawers. My shoes can fit easily by the front door (minus my few dress shoes in which I store). I have created capsule-ish wardrobes for my children in which everything pretty much matches so no matter what they pick out it matches. In the process I cut their amount of clothes in half (or more). It has also meant less laundry for me! Less picking up clothes. Less hanging clean clothes up. My hall closest is hardly overflowing now and you can actually see the back panel of our main bookshelf in our living room. Most days, I observe our life and see what toys the kids do not play with, what books they ever go to and the objects I never touch (for example, as I get ready to go out or as I cook in the kitchen). These unused items go up into the attic for an end of the week drop off. It feels good to have less. The less stuff I have, the less I have to manage, wash, organize, or trip over. Simplicity. It will always be a battle and there will always be areas to re-address but it feels great to open up the "junk" drawer and find only what I need without shifting through needless items or to jump in the shower and LOVE every product (just four of them) I use. It brings me a little peace and joy (even when the kids are banging on the door to ask me a question while I quickly scrub my hair). I want this life of peace, created by God, to be present. Eliminating my stuff has truly shown me the abundant life I have in Christ. It has shown me how much waste I create. How much I did not truly appreciate what I had and how much my physical stuff weighed me down emotionally--always on my mind--always thinking about what needed to be cleaned, picked up or organized. It has allowed our children to become more responsible for their things, caring for them, playing with them and then putting them away where they belong. It has given me a deep sense of freedom of not being attached to my things and being more connected to God and the relationships He has given me.

So, this leads into what God has been teaching me about relationships. I desire these close, intimate friendships. Those individuals I can live life with on a weekly, if not daily basis. To have lives and families intertwined. To have real, meaningful conversations about things of the Lord, struggles, victories and prayers. To have someone reach out to me instead of feeling it is most often the reverse. I was deeply pained by these things early this year, longing for such a friends so badly that I began to judge those that God had put into my life. So, at the start of SS I surrendered all relationships to the Lord. Asking Him to heal me, to show me my wrongs, my errors, seeking true healing. Then God...

Then God turned the question back on to me: Am I a good friend?

This has been a painful reflection for me and one that I still am processing. In the area of friendship, God showed me that I was striving too hard to have this ideal of close friends, in ways trying to force friendships that were not mutually beneficial.  God showed me that I placed too high of expectations on my friends, revealing to me that I desired my friends to satisfy me, not God. How wrong of me. As a result, my mind shifted to negativity. Focusing on the "bads" or the "they are nots" of these relationships rather than focusing on all that God had blessed me with within these relationships.

Friends: please forgive me!

God showed me that I didn't listen enough, that I was unwilling to be flexible. In many ways I made things more difficult than they needed to be by "sticking my ground," being almost unmovable and stubborn. Somewhere in the past year, I have stopped serving my friends and expected to be served, not remembering details or take the effort to follow up. Perhaps it was moving from the season of Oliver to moving into the season of healing from the year's events. I am not sure but somewhere along the way my mind and heart shifted. I tried to be friends with too many people. My intentions got the best of me.

I reflect on Jesus and His friendships. He indeed had His 12, yet He sought to serve them. He did not expect them to serve Him. He looked at their interests before His own. He shared His struggles and pains yet He took those pains to God and did not directly put that burden on His 12 (although He did invite them into to those times). He accepted that each of the 12 had their own lives and own worries. He was willing to allow them to live their lives and to listen to them before He shared His worries. He understood that His friends might not always be there for Him, yet God would. There is more I can say about this (and more that God has revealed...and I am not sure if I am even articulating it well) yet here it is: shouldn't I be more like Jesus? Shouldn't His example of friendship reflect my attitude towards friendships?

So 'The Question' of most of these SS findings: now that this has been revealed, what do I do with it?

1. Seek forgiveness through confession
2. Pray: Pray that God will show me those HE desires me to reach out to instead of trying to be all things to all people. Seeking God's motivation for connecting with (or not connecting) with people in my life.
3. Serve: Put others first. Stop focusing on myself, my hard life, our challenges and start serving as the Holy Spirit reveals. Being willing to be inconvenienced in doing so (regardless if it is hard or not).
4. Be Authentic: share my needs but don't dwell on them.
5. Surrender: remembering that my life is not my own, therefore I need to daily surrender in all areas and in this Christ will be my peace, my companion, my satisfaction. He will fill me up.
6. Reflect: continue to seek God in every decision: purchase, appointment, rendezvous.

 So simple in theory, right? I pray God will continue to transform me. I know that He gives me the desires of my heart and in doing so He is faithful in fulfilling those desires. So, Jesus, I leave my heart with you. I leave my desire for these deep friendships with you. I surrender.