My miracle baby is almost 10-months old yet at the sound of the word "NICU" I am taken back to some of the toughest moments of my life and begin to cry.
The word send me back...to the smells, the sounds, the stress, the dry hands from the hospital soap, the labor-intensive pumping sessions, the overnight stays at the hospital, the hospital food, the desire to hold my newborn or dress him or hear him cry, the shuffling of our older two kids to make arrangements to be in Seattle.
It reminds me of the stress being back in the Tacoma hospital and the frustrations of trying to nurse...of the painful recovery from a c-section, the sight of volunteer "rockers" rocking my crying preemie because I could not be there all of the time.
The word "NICU" reminds me of the dozens and dozens of people who served not only our son but us as well...their love, compassion, hugs and tissues.
I am reminded of the community that supported us so well by providing meals and practical acts of service.
I remember standing in our son's nursery at home, crying because my son was not home, in his crib, where I imagined him to be.
My mind wanders to the trip back to the hospital once he was initially released...back to the hospital after the victory of the initial discharge was celebrated...watching him stop breathing at home--turning slightly blue, the addition of medication, learning my breastmilk which contained milk could be part of the cause, the addition of rice cereal into his formula.
The word NICU reminds me of all the other struggling parents I encountered whose babies were sicker than mine...those sweet precious ones that passes away from being born too early or had too many medical complications. My heart and mind go there.
I cry thinking about the support from Seattle Children...not knowing how to grasp their level of support and love and care....using every resource possible to save our son.
Maybe I am experiencing post-traumatic stress from these occurrences. But a day does not go by that I don't think about some aspect of our son's journey.
We will celebrate his first birthday in just a few short months and I am beside myself. It is an incredible journey! It is a party of celebration and a thank-you party for all of those who have joined us in this battle! We seriously can never thank you enough.
Showing posts with label Pregnant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pregnant. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 24, 2018
Saturday, April 1, 2017
Growing a boy: Bed Rest Day 4 (Bad News Day)
Friday, March 31: Bed Rest Day 4... 33 weeks pregnant!
In the dark of my hospital room, I sit here in silence reflecting on all of the news we have heard today. Having thought yesterday was emotional and chaotic, today was NOTHING in comparison...it was much worse.
I slept fitfully during the night. The longest stretch of sleep was probably two hours. On top of everything else we are processing, we are both fighting a cold! This makes it difficult to breath or stay asleep for long periods of time. Often I wake-up gasping for air because of either contractions or this icky cold. I was put on a liquid only diet until morning... just in case a c-section was needed. I was starving. The last time I ate was a few bites of a sandwich around 1pm yesterday before I was told to stop eating again. My mind was racing from the chaos of the day before.
As dawn approached, I sat in my bed wondering what today would hold. Knowing we would have a follow-up ultrasound today, at 6am Tyler asked me if we had one scheduled. I called the nurse and to our surprise, they got us in first thing at 7am! A miracle. We had to wait for the results (and I had to wait to eat!) until we received the ultrasound report around 9am. The news was not favorable. The results displayed possible fluid in baby boy's tummy. Also, my AFI went from 57 to about 41...this is good but in 24-hours where did this fluid go? In 24-hours, why did baby start to display fluid in his stomach when nothing appeared in the ultrasound yesterday? The ultrasound sent up many red flags.
Because of these initial results, we ran around today get more testing done. I had yet another blood draw to test for possible infections (my poor veins!); we were taken across the street to get an ultrasound done on baby's heart to rule out congestive heart failure among other things; and our third ultrasound of the day looked at his brain to see if he is anemic. Seeing the trajectory going towards having baby early, we stopped at the NICU for a quick tour to process the fact that our sweet boy would end up being cared for in that unit for several weeks.
It seemed at each point throughout the day more and more questions arose. In the heart ultrasound taken later in the day, it appeared baby may have fluid also in his lungs in addition to more fluid than previously seen on the ultrasound this morning. Once we were back in our room the specialist came in to talk with us about all of the days results. Around 4:30pm we finally learned what all of this information really meant. The tests all came back negative for probable reasons why this was happening until we learned about hydrops. Defined as:
He will end up in the NICU for several weeks, if he survives. He may need chest tubes and a stomach drain. If his lungs are not doing well, he maybe intubated. He may need surgery if they find blockages in his esophagus and/or intestines (or other areas of concern). So many more unknowns
But here is the silver lining:
SO here is the plan:
Stay tuned...more to come (hopefully)....
In the dark of my hospital room, I sit here in silence reflecting on all of the news we have heard today. Having thought yesterday was emotional and chaotic, today was NOTHING in comparison...it was much worse.
I slept fitfully during the night. The longest stretch of sleep was probably two hours. On top of everything else we are processing, we are both fighting a cold! This makes it difficult to breath or stay asleep for long periods of time. Often I wake-up gasping for air because of either contractions or this icky cold. I was put on a liquid only diet until morning... just in case a c-section was needed. I was starving. The last time I ate was a few bites of a sandwich around 1pm yesterday before I was told to stop eating again. My mind was racing from the chaos of the day before.
As dawn approached, I sat in my bed wondering what today would hold. Knowing we would have a follow-up ultrasound today, at 6am Tyler asked me if we had one scheduled. I called the nurse and to our surprise, they got us in first thing at 7am! A miracle. We had to wait for the results (and I had to wait to eat!) until we received the ultrasound report around 9am. The news was not favorable. The results displayed possible fluid in baby boy's tummy. Also, my AFI went from 57 to about 41...this is good but in 24-hours where did this fluid go? In 24-hours, why did baby start to display fluid in his stomach when nothing appeared in the ultrasound yesterday? The ultrasound sent up many red flags.
Because of these initial results, we ran around today get more testing done. I had yet another blood draw to test for possible infections (my poor veins!); we were taken across the street to get an ultrasound done on baby's heart to rule out congestive heart failure among other things; and our third ultrasound of the day looked at his brain to see if he is anemic. Seeing the trajectory going towards having baby early, we stopped at the NICU for a quick tour to process the fact that our sweet boy would end up being cared for in that unit for several weeks.
It seemed at each point throughout the day more and more questions arose. In the heart ultrasound taken later in the day, it appeared baby may have fluid also in his lungs in addition to more fluid than previously seen on the ultrasound this morning. Once we were back in our room the specialist came in to talk with us about all of the days results. Around 4:30pm we finally learned what all of this information really meant. The tests all came back negative for probable reasons why this was happening until we learned about hydrops. Defined as:
Hydrops fetalis (fetal hydrops) is a serious fetal condition defined as abnormal accumulation of fluid in 2 or more fetal compartments, including ascites, pleural effusion, pericardial effusion, and skin edema. In some patients, it may also be associated with polyhydramnios and placental edema. http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/974571-overviewFrom the above description, this is obviously a very serious condition. He is not currently diagnosed with hydrops but all of the indicators are point that way. We really won't know until he is born what is exactly wrong with him but we were told he has a 50/50 chance of survival.
HE HAS A 50/50 CHANCE OF SURVIVAL...
But here is the silver lining:
- He appears to be a big baby for his age (6-7 pounds at just 33 weeks)...sizing might be wrong due to the amount of fluid in my belly.
- I received steroid shots earlier in the week to help his lungs develop
- We are in a controlled hospital environment in case anything should happen...they can quickly get baby out.
- And most importantly, we have GOD ON OUR SIDE!!! This increases our "odds" because if God wants this baby to survive then he will despite the medical odds! This brings us great comfort.
SO here is the plan:
- Try to keep baby in until I am 34 weeks...gives him a better chance of breathing on his own and physically be able to handle what this world will give him.
- We will have another ultrasound on Sunday to determine if/how these fluid levels have changed...in my belly and in his belly/lungs.
- If at any point my water breaks, I dilate past 3cm or if baby is in distress, it calls for an immediate c-section. There are teams on standby.
- If we make it until Thursday, we will have another ultrasound in preparation for our Friday morning c-section.
- Tyler:
- Physically: he is sick, fighting off this cold, coughing a lot, exhausted...its hard to sleep on the little pull out bed in the hospital room.
- Emotionally: he is slowly processing through the events of the past few days. With is medical knowledge I think he worries about it more than me simply because he knows more. He is doing a wonderful job at supporting me. I have encouraged him to leave the hospital twice to help with becoming too stir crazy.
- Overall, he is fighting the good fight.
- Brandi:
- Physically: contractions suck. Often times I cannot always feel them because my belly is so full of fluid. It is hard to move around because of all the extra fluid weight I am carrying. I try to get up to "walk" every hour or so (and by walk I mean either a few circles in our room or if I am really brave I walk to down the hall two rooms and come back). I am still exhausted. Between contractions, the excess fluid, and baby moving it is very difficult to get comfortable. I literally have about 8 or 9 pillows on my hospital bed. It is frustrating to feel so sleep deprived while dealing with all this news. I also have to be monitored for at least 30 min. every 4-hours...contractions and baby's heartbeat. This is not my favorite or most comfortable part of the day but highly necessary.
- Emotionally: I felt like I took today surprisingly well despite the 50/50 outcome. I am processing what it might be like WHEN he survives but also preparing myself for the possible scenario if he doesn't. I feel well loved and supported. I do miss our other two littles but I am thankful they will visit us tomorrow, Saturday.
- Many friends have been asking, "what can we do?"
- Pray! Get all your friends to pray! We believe in the power of Jesus to heal our little boy! He is knitting baby in my womb just the way He wants and we need to trust that God never makes mistakes...no matter the outcome.
- Text messages: Although we might not reply to each one individually (or at all) it is WONDERFUL to know that you are indeed praying for us.
- Short visits without kids. At this time we are limiting visitors to about 1 or 2 per day. It can add stress if kiddos come along as well as possibly more sick germs so we ask that you don't bring them into the hospital room. If you would like to visit, please let us know! We love getting "breaks" from this hospital life. Know that if you do visit, we might ask you to leave if Brandi has to get monitored, checked or if one of our doctors comes in.
- Meals/Snacks: at this time we do not "need" food HOWEVER...at day 3 hospital food is already getting bland and boring for me and Tyler usually has to run to the cafeteria for food and snacks. We have a small refrigerator in our room with access to a microwave down the hall. :)
- Ideas to pass the time: we brought one board game and have already watched what feels like a million hours of TV (if you know us we hardly watch TV) so feel free to bring any ideas/activities to help us pass the time.
Stay tuned...more to come (hopefully)....
Thursday, March 30, 2017
Growing a boy: Bed Rest Days 1 & 2
Tues., March 28: Day 1-Bed Rest
The first day of bed rest was a bit of a fail for me. But to be honest, I tried. The day started with opening day of spring quarter...I was able to get my classes prepped in the hospital the day before. I contacted all those who needed to know about my newly found condition and medical recommendation of bed rest. This certainly added to the stress of the morning but it was of the foremost important to take care of. Following some emails, we took the kids for their scheduled haircuts. Our little SEH looks so big with his hair short. He did great! Abe was excited to sit in the airplane for her haircut and was even more excited about the purple bow they put in afterwards. After this little outing, the kids got dropped off at Gram-Grams house. The husband and I went to run a few errands. In the Chick-fil-A drive through I finally broke down.
In only one day, I found myself struggling not to pick up my 15-month old son...feeling like I have to choose between my two boys. My 2 1/2 year old is a little easier since she can climb up and cuddle on her own. Being in pain, processing through the gravity of the situation, somehow feeling like a failure...all things I struggled with. I know that God is on my side and that He knew all of this would happen but it does not make the emotions go away. In the moments of this first day, I felt like I was failing everyone...my role as a wife, a mom, a friend, and teacher. By the end of the day, I had processed through many of these emotions and was ready for day 2 of my bed rest.
Wed., March 29: Day 2- Bed Rest
The fluid in my belly seems to be getting bigger. It is more difficult to walk, a bit more difficult to breath and overall hard to manage even the simple tasks of everyday life. Our friends picked up the kids, per our Wednesday routine, and the hubs and I were off to draft our will. This was something we had scheduled to do months before but it got pushed back and rescheduled until lucky day 2 of bed rest. The meeting was only about an hour but it was physically painful to sit through. My body ached and my heart hurt thinking about what could happen to our children. The timing was probably not the best but it needed to be done. Waddling out of the office, we decided to have a quick lunch at Shari's. During our meal we again processed through the birth plan (calling 911 if anything happened, possible complications, etc.) and discussing what it might be like to have a NICU baby.
Although it was difficult to sit, walk, and sleep without pain, we felt loved today. Two friends dropped off heat pads while three others dropped off food and treats to our family. It was so refreshing to have chats with each one, taking my mind off of all of the future unknowns.
We know the Creator of the Universe has control over it all...it is just embracing that thought every moment.
The first day of bed rest was a bit of a fail for me. But to be honest, I tried. The day started with opening day of spring quarter...I was able to get my classes prepped in the hospital the day before. I contacted all those who needed to know about my newly found condition and medical recommendation of bed rest. This certainly added to the stress of the morning but it was of the foremost important to take care of. Following some emails, we took the kids for their scheduled haircuts. Our little SEH looks so big with his hair short. He did great! Abe was excited to sit in the airplane for her haircut and was even more excited about the purple bow they put in afterwards. After this little outing, the kids got dropped off at Gram-Grams house. The husband and I went to run a few errands. In the Chick-fil-A drive through I finally broke down.
In only one day, I found myself struggling not to pick up my 15-month old son...feeling like I have to choose between my two boys. My 2 1/2 year old is a little easier since she can climb up and cuddle on her own. Being in pain, processing through the gravity of the situation, somehow feeling like a failure...all things I struggled with. I know that God is on my side and that He knew all of this would happen but it does not make the emotions go away. In the moments of this first day, I felt like I was failing everyone...my role as a wife, a mom, a friend, and teacher. By the end of the day, I had processed through many of these emotions and was ready for day 2 of my bed rest.
Wed., March 29: Day 2- Bed Rest
The fluid in my belly seems to be getting bigger. It is more difficult to walk, a bit more difficult to breath and overall hard to manage even the simple tasks of everyday life. Our friends picked up the kids, per our Wednesday routine, and the hubs and I were off to draft our will. This was something we had scheduled to do months before but it got pushed back and rescheduled until lucky day 2 of bed rest. The meeting was only about an hour but it was physically painful to sit through. My body ached and my heart hurt thinking about what could happen to our children. The timing was probably not the best but it needed to be done. Waddling out of the office, we decided to have a quick lunch at Shari's. During our meal we again processed through the birth plan (calling 911 if anything happened, possible complications, etc.) and discussing what it might be like to have a NICU baby.
Although it was difficult to sit, walk, and sleep without pain, we felt loved today. Two friends dropped off heat pads while three others dropped off food and treats to our family. It was so refreshing to have chats with each one, taking my mind off of all of the future unknowns.
We know the Creator of the Universe has control over it all...it is just embracing that thought every moment.
Growing a boy: Pre-Term Labor & 26-Hours in the Hospital
At 32-weeks pregnant, I found myself driving to the hospital alone leaving my two other kids at home with our helper. It was Sunday, March 26th around 1:30pm. Thankfully the hospital I was going to happened to be the hospital that my husband was working at for the day...blessed me!!
As I drove in to the ER parking lot, I hit every white valet cone in sight. Since it was the weekend the valet was closed, I was having contractions, and I had to idea where to park...it was quiet the scene. My husband was waiting for me and quickly walked up to the car. I immediately began to cry: 1) because I hit every-single-white-cone and 2) I was having a pretty big contraction. He told me to put the car in park, walk inside and that he would meet me at the ER check-in desk.
A few moments later, I was checked in and experienced the "roll of shame" as I was wheeled in a wheelchair past all of his co-workers in the ER up to Labor & Delivery. It was an awkward moment. I felt silly. I didn't want to make a big deal out of anything. And really did not want the extra attention.
The check-in process was quick once we reached our room. My vitals were taken, history reported, and a quick initial exam. Both baby ad I were put on the monitor to measure his heartbeat and my contractions. During this time, my contractions had not reduced in pain which greatly concerned the L&D staff. When they checked to see if I was dilated, I was already at 3cm and 50% effaced!! WOW....with 8 more weeks to go in this pregnancy?! How was that going to work out?
To be on the safe side, they gave me 2 bags of IV fluids, a steroid shot to help develop baby's lungs (just in case he had to be born early) and another injection to help slow contractions. After a few hours I was feeling pretty good. Contractions had slowed. I felt as normal as a pregnant woman could feel. I was ready to go home. The discharge paperwork was completed around 7pm. My prescription for anti-contraction medicine had been ordered, picked up and paid for. I was just waiting to get the okay from the doctor.
Of course, after I was officially discharged on paper, my contractions started back up again! Frustrating. I just won myself an overnight observation in the hospital.
Overall, the night was uneventful. The higher dose of anti-contraction meds seemed to have helped along with Tylenol and another pain medication. I was able to soak in the wonderful jacuzzi tub that was in the room, prepare my three courses I would start teaching on Tuesday, and have no other job than to relax and focus on growing baby boy. I also had to get a second steroid injection per protocol.
The afternoon of my discharge, Monday, changed my understanding regarding my medical condition and the affects on baby. My doctor came in, sat bedside and began to explain just how serious what I just experienced really was. She began to explain to me that our baby boy, if born before 36 weeks will end up in the NICU. She described the various complications to my water breaking...pre-mature birth, prolapsed umbilical cord, placental abruption. These are no longer just bullet points I read on some website last week...these are real scenarios that could come into play as my son enters the world. I was terrified as I processed through and began to understand the gravity of each contraction I was having and each movement my son made which might cause my water to break...after all, she explained it to me this way...
I went home feeling encouraged and discouraged all at the same time. When I was being wheeled out of the hospital, stopped at the elevators, there was a 34-week baby in an incubator being taken to the NICU. I began to cry and feel motivated all at the same time to strictly follow the doctor's orders. I want to keep this baby inside as long as possible.
The next posts will focus on the first few days of my bed rest "sentence" and how we are handling everything emotionally and physically. Stay tuned...
As I drove in to the ER parking lot, I hit every white valet cone in sight. Since it was the weekend the valet was closed, I was having contractions, and I had to idea where to park...it was quiet the scene. My husband was waiting for me and quickly walked up to the car. I immediately began to cry: 1) because I hit every-single-white-cone and 2) I was having a pretty big contraction. He told me to put the car in park, walk inside and that he would meet me at the ER check-in desk.
A few moments later, I was checked in and experienced the "roll of shame" as I was wheeled in a wheelchair past all of his co-workers in the ER up to Labor & Delivery. It was an awkward moment. I felt silly. I didn't want to make a big deal out of anything. And really did not want the extra attention.
The check-in process was quick once we reached our room. My vitals were taken, history reported, and a quick initial exam. Both baby ad I were put on the monitor to measure his heartbeat and my contractions. During this time, my contractions had not reduced in pain which greatly concerned the L&D staff. When they checked to see if I was dilated, I was already at 3cm and 50% effaced!! WOW....with 8 more weeks to go in this pregnancy?! How was that going to work out?
To be on the safe side, they gave me 2 bags of IV fluids, a steroid shot to help develop baby's lungs (just in case he had to be born early) and another injection to help slow contractions. After a few hours I was feeling pretty good. Contractions had slowed. I felt as normal as a pregnant woman could feel. I was ready to go home. The discharge paperwork was completed around 7pm. My prescription for anti-contraction medicine had been ordered, picked up and paid for. I was just waiting to get the okay from the doctor.
Of course, after I was officially discharged on paper, my contractions started back up again! Frustrating. I just won myself an overnight observation in the hospital.
Overall, the night was uneventful. The higher dose of anti-contraction meds seemed to have helped along with Tylenol and another pain medication. I was able to soak in the wonderful jacuzzi tub that was in the room, prepare my three courses I would start teaching on Tuesday, and have no other job than to relax and focus on growing baby boy. I also had to get a second steroid injection per protocol.
The afternoon of my discharge, Monday, changed my understanding regarding my medical condition and the affects on baby. My doctor came in, sat bedside and began to explain just how serious what I just experienced really was. She began to explain to me that our baby boy, if born before 36 weeks will end up in the NICU. She described the various complications to my water breaking...pre-mature birth, prolapsed umbilical cord, placental abruption. These are no longer just bullet points I read on some website last week...these are real scenarios that could come into play as my son enters the world. I was terrified as I processed through and began to understand the gravity of each contraction I was having and each movement my son made which might cause my water to break...after all, she explained it to me this way...
"Your uterus is like a water balloon being over filled and stretched; at some point, it just won't take the pressure any more and it will pop...we just don't know when or how or what complication will arise. You just have to be ready."What do you do with that type of information? I am 32 weeks pregnant. Carrying an overfilled water balloon that could literally pop at any minute....
- Being told:
- Just hang on for at least 6-more weeks
- If you have more than 4-5 contractions per hour take your anti-contraction meds
- If you start to bleed come in to the hospital
- If you water breaks call 911 immediately
- If you start to do this then do that
- Don't forget to ____ to stop ____
- Oh and bedrest.
I went home feeling encouraged and discouraged all at the same time. When I was being wheeled out of the hospital, stopped at the elevators, there was a 34-week baby in an incubator being taken to the NICU. I began to cry and feel motivated all at the same time to strictly follow the doctor's orders. I want to keep this baby inside as long as possible.
The next posts will focus on the first few days of my bed rest "sentence" and how we are handling everything emotionally and physically. Stay tuned...
Monday, December 5, 2016
Worry: Pregnancy: What if I start bleeding...again?
Worry: the practice of trying to change or control the future by thinking and rethinking, planning and over planning for an event that has not and may not occur. To dwell on an unpredictable event in the future.
That is my definition. Yes, I have been worried...somewhat secretly... about pregnancy #3.
It all stated with pregnancy #1...
Pregnancy #1
Outcome- successful: yet at week 15 I woke up to bloody sheets on a Tuesday morning. Initially I was in shock. I called my close friend and told her I would be a "little late" to bible study that morning because I had blood on my sheets and had to change the bedding. Then...it hit me. I was pregnant and bleeding. My husband, then in medical school, was up in Seattle without transportation because he took the commuter bus. I felt stuck. I called my mom; she rushed over and took me to the doctor and supported me during this crazy, crazy day. My husband finally found a way back home by our scheduled "emergency" ultrasound. I had placenta previa and was placed on modified bed rest for less than a week. My bleeding stopped soon after and the rest of my pregnancy was normal.
Pregnancy #2
Outcome-successful: yet at week 11.5, again on a Tuesday, I was at summer bible study. As I sat on the couch listening to the DVD on the book of Malachi, I felt like I was "leaking." I casually slide off the couch just a few minutes into the video and headed to the bathroom. It was a bloody mess! I was incredibly shocked to see that much blood. I froze. For sure I was having a miscarriage, I thought. As calmly as I could, I walked out, grabbed my phone without saying anything to the ladies in the room and headed back to the bathroom. They must have sensed something was wrong because my good friend, whose NEW leather couch I just bled all over, followed me back into the bathroom. Thankfully my husband was in town at the local dentist. I called the office and he rushed over in what felt like just minutes with new clothes, lots of pads and the direct route to the doctor's office. It felt like forever until we were called back. I explained the large amount of continual bleeding; and I was prepared in my heart that we lost our second child. The doctor placed the heart Doppler on my belly...no heat beat. Instant tears welled up in my eyes as I was processing everything. The shadowing medical student brought in the office ultrasound machine so that we could verify what I felt in my heart was already decided...but then...we saw a heartbeat! Praise the Lord!! An ultrasound appointment was schedule for 2pm in a nearby city (the only place that had an appointment available). We quickly found childcare for our first born and drove as calmly as we could to the appointment. Upon review of the ultrasound, I had placenta previa...more sever than the last pregnancy. However, they were not all the way sure as they also saw a subchorionic hematoma. This time I was told I could not lift, run, be on my feet, etc. for at least a full 7-days, until me next ultrasound appointment. They said something like, "Well, you might be miscarrying but for now we see a heartbeat." Well, at least there was a heartbeat! Over the next week, support flooded in and friends came over to lift my first born in and out of her crib, changer her diaper, prepare our meals. ((See original blog post here: unborn-fight-for-my-child) Our prayers were answered. Our darling second born....well, was born! No complications beyond those scary weeks in which we had no idea what was going to happen.
Pregnancy #3
Outcome: To be determined.
This pregnancy has been vastly, vastly different than the other two in more ways than one. First off, I was literally nauseated for the first 13-ish weeks. Thankfully I never threw up. At times I could only handle simple, bland foods. In someways that was great because it helped me keep my first trimester weight down. :) Yet with each passing week, approaching the 11.5 week mark, I was more and more worried. I had an early ultrasound around 8-weeks. The doctor called...the DOCTOR CALLED...with the results. Never a good sign, right? Well, I did (do)? have the same subchorionic hematoma (blood clot) as I had with pregnancy #2 but she did not seem at all concerned. She wanted to talk me through the results so I was not shocked or concerned when I saw the results posted online. I was thankful for her concern and explanation. Although it did put me at ease...it also made me worry. So, 11.5 weeks came and went with no bleeding. We went on our "babymoon" / family vacation yet with each passing week I grew anxious. What if I start bleeding again? Last week was my "victory" week 15. It came and went with no bleeding and now I am happy to say I am 16 weeks along...with NO bleeding. I am trying my best to turn my worry over to God but it is so hard. Honestly, though, who by worrying can add a single hour to the day? (Like 12:25). Lets say I do start bleeding....what really can I do? Life is in the hand of the Creator regardless of what I do or do not do. So, I am trying to rest in this amazing gift...this third pregnancy with no complications (as of yet).
There is a reason why the word "worry," in various forms, appears 365 times in the Bible. One verse for each day. So, I put my trust in Him who created all...big and small...in the One who is more concern about this precious life growing inside of me..more than I will ever know.
Thank you Jesus that You are the One we can put our trust and lay our worry down. You are Faithful at bringing us peace and hope and joy beyond measure.
~Amen~
That is my definition. Yes, I have been worried...somewhat secretly... about pregnancy #3.
It all stated with pregnancy #1...
Pregnancy #1
Outcome- successful: yet at week 15 I woke up to bloody sheets on a Tuesday morning. Initially I was in shock. I called my close friend and told her I would be a "little late" to bible study that morning because I had blood on my sheets and had to change the bedding. Then...it hit me. I was pregnant and bleeding. My husband, then in medical school, was up in Seattle without transportation because he took the commuter bus. I felt stuck. I called my mom; she rushed over and took me to the doctor and supported me during this crazy, crazy day. My husband finally found a way back home by our scheduled "emergency" ultrasound. I had placenta previa and was placed on modified bed rest for less than a week. My bleeding stopped soon after and the rest of my pregnancy was normal.
Pregnancy #2
Outcome-successful: yet at week 11.5, again on a Tuesday, I was at summer bible study. As I sat on the couch listening to the DVD on the book of Malachi, I felt like I was "leaking." I casually slide off the couch just a few minutes into the video and headed to the bathroom. It was a bloody mess! I was incredibly shocked to see that much blood. I froze. For sure I was having a miscarriage, I thought. As calmly as I could, I walked out, grabbed my phone without saying anything to the ladies in the room and headed back to the bathroom. They must have sensed something was wrong because my good friend, whose NEW leather couch I just bled all over, followed me back into the bathroom. Thankfully my husband was in town at the local dentist. I called the office and he rushed over in what felt like just minutes with new clothes, lots of pads and the direct route to the doctor's office. It felt like forever until we were called back. I explained the large amount of continual bleeding; and I was prepared in my heart that we lost our second child. The doctor placed the heart Doppler on my belly...no heat beat. Instant tears welled up in my eyes as I was processing everything. The shadowing medical student brought in the office ultrasound machine so that we could verify what I felt in my heart was already decided...but then...we saw a heartbeat! Praise the Lord!! An ultrasound appointment was schedule for 2pm in a nearby city (the only place that had an appointment available). We quickly found childcare for our first born and drove as calmly as we could to the appointment. Upon review of the ultrasound, I had placenta previa...more sever than the last pregnancy. However, they were not all the way sure as they also saw a subchorionic hematoma. This time I was told I could not lift, run, be on my feet, etc. for at least a full 7-days, until me next ultrasound appointment. They said something like, "Well, you might be miscarrying but for now we see a heartbeat." Well, at least there was a heartbeat! Over the next week, support flooded in and friends came over to lift my first born in and out of her crib, changer her diaper, prepare our meals. ((See original blog post here: unborn-fight-for-my-child) Our prayers were answered. Our darling second born....well, was born! No complications beyond those scary weeks in which we had no idea what was going to happen.
Pregnancy #3
Outcome: To be determined.
This pregnancy has been vastly, vastly different than the other two in more ways than one. First off, I was literally nauseated for the first 13-ish weeks. Thankfully I never threw up. At times I could only handle simple, bland foods. In someways that was great because it helped me keep my first trimester weight down. :) Yet with each passing week, approaching the 11.5 week mark, I was more and more worried. I had an early ultrasound around 8-weeks. The doctor called...the DOCTOR CALLED...with the results. Never a good sign, right? Well, I did (do)? have the same subchorionic hematoma (blood clot) as I had with pregnancy #2 but she did not seem at all concerned. She wanted to talk me through the results so I was not shocked or concerned when I saw the results posted online. I was thankful for her concern and explanation. Although it did put me at ease...it also made me worry. So, 11.5 weeks came and went with no bleeding. We went on our "babymoon" / family vacation yet with each passing week I grew anxious. What if I start bleeding again? Last week was my "victory" week 15. It came and went with no bleeding and now I am happy to say I am 16 weeks along...with NO bleeding. I am trying my best to turn my worry over to God but it is so hard. Honestly, though, who by worrying can add a single hour to the day? (Like 12:25). Lets say I do start bleeding....what really can I do? Life is in the hand of the Creator regardless of what I do or do not do. So, I am trying to rest in this amazing gift...this third pregnancy with no complications (as of yet).
There is a reason why the word "worry," in various forms, appears 365 times in the Bible. One verse for each day. So, I put my trust in Him who created all...big and small...in the One who is more concern about this precious life growing inside of me..more than I will ever know.
Thank you Jesus that You are the One we can put our trust and lay our worry down. You are Faithful at bringing us peace and hope and joy beyond measure.
~Amen~
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