Growing a boy: Knowing the difference

Learning new things is good, right. (I say this as I laugh). It has been a long time since I have had to study something and then be "tested" on it. This is how I feel as I learn about parenting Oliver in a new way.

My alarm went off this morning as these thoughts challenged me regarding having a child with sensory sensitivity....

What is the difference between:

• discipline vs. redirection (do you disciple? how...without evoking triggers & without going to the extreme of not disciplining)
• "terrible twos" vs. a child with sensory challenges
• tantrums vs. meltdowns

Other questions:

• How do you parent three young kids (16 and 15 months apart in age) with one of the three requiring "different" parenting. How do you handle the appearance of "special treatment" or special privilege among the three kids? 
• With regard to boundaries and expectations: what is Oliver really capable of? We have a raised bar of exception for our children. Do we need to adjust them without labeling or holding back our son? 
• How do we talk about Oliver's challenges without labeling or restricting what he can do? What words do we use to describe Oliver (or do we need to describe him at all? ..surrendering the need to justify the way God made him).
•  What tools can we use to prevent "craziness" at pick-ups or after church service or while checking out books at the library or buying groceries in the store?
• What tools are there for me to emotionally cope as our son has a tantrum/meltdown and is running away from me screaming and not listening?

These are questions that we are seeking answers for. We know there is no manual or easy answer, but, if this is our new reality, how can we succeed, doing the best for Oliver, for our other two kids, for our marriage, parenting and community? So I end this blog with these questions, desiring to honor God in all we do as we embrace this sweet child that God created and made live.

Growing a boy: I'm not celebrating

I am not celebrating! I have given myself permission.

After all the definition of celebrating is "acknowledging a significant or happy day or event with a social gathering or enjoyable activity."

But do all "significant" days really need to be remembered, celebrated?

No, they do not.

I am coming to terms with this.

Over the last two years with Oliver, we have had many significant events and happy moments (and a few not so happy moments). Many of these significant days, happy days even, are joined with hard moments, tough decisions and feelings of loss.

Initial, I wanted to celebrate ALL of them...the day he was transferred to Seattle Children's, his surgery day, the first day I kissed him, the first day I held him, the day his breathing tube was removed, the first holiday we were all together, his transfer day (back to Tacoma), and his homecoming day (just to name a few).  The last two April's I have remembered and recounted every detail from my initial hospitalization to everything listed above to his "fight" today. I realized that I don't need to hold on to these things, these "icky" emotions of these milestones.

I need to take the reminders off my calendar. I need to let go and be present with him and our family. For me, it is unhealthy to dwell on the hardships of his birth and months thereafter. Dwelling on these hardships did not promote healing but rather the opposite. It became my focus, shifting my mood to sadness and anxiety. It closed my eyes to the glories right in front of me (and what glories they are!).

I am not saying that it is wrong to remember...that is why I have about 3-4 Shutterfly books outlining the entire story of our boy. Isn't that enough? The timeline is outlined in such detail. Almost every day of the first two months of his life are recorded. Pictures of his first year of life are thoughtfully arranged. Because of this, my mind no longer needs to dwell on these things. I do not need to keep this information in the forefront of my mind any more (because it is already recorded!).

"Why" is the question that kept popping up in my mind...why did I feel the need to keep these moments, these milestones so close to my heart? Then I realized, putting the puzzle pieces together of my own life. When I was an infant, I had a few surgeries too: one for my back to remove some type of abnormal growth and another which enabled me to see. That is all I know. I don't know many of the details of the things that happened to my body. The technology was different when I was born too.  With many family moves, I am sure these records were lost along the way. I have lingering questions about the surgeries I had as a child. In some ways I think I have been overcompensating for the lack of knowledge of my past by trying to capture every fact, every moment and every "level"of our sweet son. Will he care about these details? I have no idea. That shouldn't be the point. As his mom, I have tried (too hard) to remember these details for him...this is a burden that I shouldn't carry anymore. The documentation is there. I have stacks of his medical records. I have a box full of important artifacts, all labeled in case he is curious and the ample supply of digital scrapbooks.

And that. is. that.

I am releasing myself from the drive to remember, this desire to want to celebrate. Instead, I CHOOSE to live NOW...to see him as he is and not how he was (despite his on going therapy). His birth should not define me or him.

It has taken two years to come to this point. It has taken many conversations, some counseling sessions, blogging and even "celebrations" to come to terms with this. It feels good. As a family, we have decided to have "family day" around the day of his surgery -- not to celebrate his surgery but to celebrate the fact that we are a family of five. We are healthy and we are together (and that is enough!).

Grief, loss and tragedy are "funny" things...no one can tell you, really, how to handle them (even if you ask, everyone has an opinion). The best thing to do is to allow yourself to go through the process, seek help, talk about it and trust your instinct on what feels right to "celebrate" and what does not. It is okay to give yourself permission not to talk about it too (not in a "I don't want to deal with it" way but rather in a "I have moved on and don't need to keep bringing it up" way). So....I **think** this concludes my blog series "Growing a boy." That is not to say, I won't every talk about this super-huge and traumatic life event again, but it is to say that I am moving on. I am healing. I have discovered new things about myself through this process. I have learned new things about God. I have learned new things about how to better serve my community because of this experience. I have a deeper understanding and sensitivity with others who have also dealt (or are dealing) with challenging events with children or family members. For all of these reasons, I am grateful for this experience. Our sweet son has allowed me to learn so much about myself and those around me and now....and now I move forward.

Thank you all for your love and support during this long, hard two year (and ongoing) adventure of parenting a preemie baby (who is now a VERY active and fierce toddler). Thank you for listening, for your words of encouragement and your practical support. Praise be to God for all He has done in our midst. A chapter closed...finally. Looking forward to the many more to come.

Maranatha. 

Resist & Enjoy: Unexpected blessing--we are buying a house

Life (God) has an interesting way of showing up, shaking things around and creating new out of old or broken.

He has done that for our family in this season. He has given us a do-over. A fresh start. New routines and new rhythms. He has taught us to let go of not just the hardships of the last 18+ months but also how to let go of our physical stuff...living with less stuff so we can live with more HIM. It is freeing.

In mid-September I was casually looking at houses online. It was a Saturday morning. My daughter was sick and I too was at the beginning of contracting some sort of fall-cold. I laid on the couch, computer in hand, browsing the real estate websites. My fingers stopped clicking when I saw pictures of this 5-bedroom home. I immediately showed my husband. He was also enthralled.  With a little over an hour before he had to go to work he suggested we load up the family and simply drive by...sick and all. I conceded and before I knew it we were all buckled in driving towards the Green House.

Behold, they were hosting an open house. Wait, what? We just wanted to drive by! Unloading our three kids in the rain, we entered what would a month later be our "forever" home. The kids instantly felt comfortable...running around and claiming space. Looking at each other, my husband and I called our realtor and put in an offer.

Sunday came and we excitedly waited to hear the news. Our hearts were set and peace covered over me. I knew the instant I saw pictures of this house online that our family would dwell in it. Around 5pm the call came through...they accepted another offer for $3000 LESS than our offer. Our hearts sank BUT I still held onto this peace I had, asking God, "How are you going to work this out because I KNOW that this is our new home."

Monday morning came. As I was leaving an appointment with one of the kids my husband calls. "Do you still want to buy a house?" I thought, perhaps, our realtor had found another comparable house to the one we just lost. But that was not the case. The couple who had put the offer in on the Green House had some type of fight and withdrew their offer. Wait, what?!?! As the next in line it was our choice if we wanted to purchase this home. It was amazing to feel so confident in knowing that this house was a gift from the Lord. So, we moved forward.

As we continued to pray over this decision, God was showing us the gift this house would be to us...a chance to let go of the many tragedies of the past few years both with Oliver and other events.  The opportunity to host large functions in the vast backyard (over 1/2 acre!). The space to finally host a proper dinner party or holiday function at a REAL table rather than the wobbly fold-up tables we have been using (although there was a LOT of joy and rich conversation around those tables....those days will be missed for certain!). The joy of connecting with new neighbors and the hope of connecting our neighborhood the way we have connected our current one.

Built in 1955 we are only the third owners. Life has happened in this house. Kids and grandkids enjoyed all that it offers and when you walk into the house you can feel this love and passion and appreciation. It is a place I want to be.

Four days after our offer was accepted a friends came over in the evening to watch a TV program. Catching her up on the news of recent events I began to tell her how we would have to put our current house on the market, stage our home all while packing it up and moving to our new location. Her eyes brightened and she began to ask many questions. She even took several peeks around the house during the commercials. At the end of our evening she asked if her and her husband could come over the next day to take a closer look. Of course, I said yes. They did. A few days later, after getting their finances in order, they told us that they wanted to buy our house! Another WAIT?! WHAT??! moment was happening. God really does know how to do things, right?

The next week our family was in Disneyland: celebrating our 8th anniversary, Oliver's 1/2 birthday and the purchase of this unexpected blessing-- selling & purchasing a house! A few days before we came home from California, the offer on our current house was signed and submitted. We had a POD moving unit dropped off two days after we arrived back home and the packing began.

On Friday, Oct. 26th we received the keys to our "forever" home, the Green House. We could not be more thrilled or more overjoyed. The Lord has showered us with His favor and blessings, making it clear every step of the way that He has been protecting us, that He sees us and that He knows what we need (and what our friends needed too!).

There are not many times in life when you get a do-over. We certainly are not taking this for granted. This home is a symbol of God's faithfulness to us. It is a reminder of His presence in our lives. It is a sign-post for us--to look outward, no longer focusing on mere survival but to engage--being willing to have tough conversations, re-dedicate to certain friendships and ask forgiveness in others. It is a chance to allow God to create our new pathway and also just to simply enjoy HIM for who He is.

From a hard season to a season of overflowing JOY there is still much work in our hearts to be done. There are still hurts we are processing through and some hurts we are still right in the middle of yet despite these things, God is reminding me (us) that I am His and He is mine. He knows what we need and when we need it. He surely takes care of those He loves.

Sabbath Summer: OH NO! My phone is full!

"PRAISE THE LORD! My phone's memory is full!"

When I started this Sabbath Summer journey in May, those certainly were not words you would have heard coming out of my mouth but almost three months later I find it to be a joy that my phone's memory is full. And here is why:

Prior to this journey many people would often comment on how much I would post on social media and my craze for always having to capture the moment on camera. It's true. My husband, who is not on social media, would also frequently comment that everyone knows so much about our lives that it left little room for actually "catching up." I mean, why would you need to catch up if your whole life is on display for everyone to witness and in the front row at that! Convicted by this and the growing evil in the world, the momma bear came out in me. First and foremost I want to protect my children. Next, I wanted to cultivate deep, authentic relationships which would happen face-to-face instead of screen-to-screen.

I started by first deleting the offending phone app (I am sure you can all guess what that is). From there, I stopped posting all together for a period of time and made a pact to myself to only log-on when at an actual computer. It worked! Next, I decided to put my phone down. Instead of being known as the one who instantly returns text messages, I found that I would have 7, 8 or even 9 or more unread messages at the nights end. I saw this as a victory.

With my children, I also began to think about them as young grade schoolers. Did they give me permission to post their lives so publicly for the world to see? Is it an invasion of THEIR privacy in which I have spoken for them by making a decision that it was okay to be so open with so many strangers about THEIR lives? With the increase in child-trafficking, I want to leave little room for someone to go after my three precious littles when so much information is already easily available (and some of it from me!!). How scary!

Not to mention the vast amount pictures and videos I have accumulated. I create family "year" books and even at that there are SO many pictures I max out the page numbers AND picture limit every year. I found that I often remember the picture of an event before I remember the actual event. I would like this to change. This has been a hard one for me and a habit/mind-set that I have had for almost two decades. Yet, with a full phone memory, it helps me stay present and embrace the ordinary making is permanent in my mind rather than a picture.

I recently read an article about a teacher who posed the journal prompt, "I don't like cell phones because...." The results were sad, convicting and eye opening. Her grade school students made comments like, "I wish phones were never invented." "My parents care more about their phones than me." "Phones are more important than I will ever be." WOW! Is this the generation that we are creating? Are these the feelings we are making our children have by being a phone-obsessed generation? I want to choose different for my children. Tonight I asked my daughter this, "Does mommy spend too much or not even time on her phone?" In the same feeling as the children above, she said, "too much mommy." Even with a valiant attempt, I am still on or near my phone too much. I am so glad my 4-year, in her honesty, told me how she felt. It is a reminder of the greater thing in life--relationship. One day my daughter (and my sons for that matter!) will be grown, having her own friends, hopefully in college, and  working. She may be married. She might even move out of the state...so WHAT AM I DOING!?! Wasting theses precious moments in time tied to a "meaningless" device that brings great separation between me and those I love the most. Please, do not mishear me. I think phones are fantastic! I love snapping pictures, calling, connecting through messaging/FaceTime and even the ability to do a quick web-search. Brilliant...but when phones take the place of (or overshadow) important relationships and being present then this inanimate object has GOT to take the backseat.

Obviously, I still have a ways to go in this area (as convicting as my daughter's response was!). Yet today, victory! My phone's memory is full. If you asked those you love the same question, what would their response be?

Growing a boy: Fitful Screams

Our sweet, sweet little miracle. He is a fighter, that is for sure! One of the reasons I know he is alive is this fiery spirit God has given him. Most days, I am thankful for this, remembering that the outcome could have been vastly different than the day to day we struggle through now but that does not negate the fact that is is hard and very emotional to have a "spirited" 15-month old.


He gets so worked up and angry when his bottle is finished, throwing it to the floor or across the room. Need a diaper change? Well, if you interrupt his play time you certainly will hear his loud cries from down the street. That toy he stole from his sibling and needs returning? It comes at the cost of a 10-15 minute tantrum in the middle of the living room. In a new place, traveling, and out of routine? Be prepared for fitful screams, kicking feet, constant holding and a bright red-faced boy whose lungs are working very well.

Is it worth it? Yes (I say with hesitance in my voice). It might not be convenient but I know that in the long term it is for the best.

I know that it is nothing I have cause. (As a mother, I first want to blame myself for the way he is....what could I have done differently to help him? Did I do something to cause this behavior?). I find myself emotional, crying at times, most likely out of pure exhaustion more than anything. The screaming gets tiring and the patience gets thin. As a result of his anger, I can be short with my other two children, my friends and even my darling husband. What example/attitude am I leaving for my other children? What do they see and hear? How are they now responding to each other due to my responses towards this anger?


I cannot change him. They are his emotions. He is a little human after all. I can take care of his basic needs with great love but I must surrender. Only God change change him. I must stop making excuses for him, "oh, well, he is just tired." "It is probably teething." "He is just a little off his schedule." It is some times easier to make these excuses than explain my emotions and what is really going on.

I can change my response.

Better yet, I can ask God to change my heart, change him, change the situation.

I must seek wisdom from the Lord, resting in Him, knowing that God wanted ME...yes...ME to be the mother of this little boy. God knew that I would either: 1) be able to "handle" this little boy or 2) this little boy would cause me to press deeper into him. (In my weakness, Christ is made strong). The Bible tells us to do everything with great love, not seeking my own advantage but that of many so that they would be saved through the life of Christ.

So, my new response: accepting the freedom in Christ, trust, hope. I must stop blaming myself for enabling his anger or somehow creating his anger. I must seek God for wisdom and a godly rest (which can only be truly found in Him). In Him, there is renewal.

2018: My "reset" year

10 days into the New Year...I have made some pretty loft resolutions.

As I reflect backwards on the year before, I also dream about the year ahead.

My "backwards" year sure was eventful... discovered I was pregnant, took two trips to Canada and one road trip to Idaho, dealt with a house flood, birthed a baby who was born unexpectedly early with hours and days spent in and out of the hospital (not knowing if he would live or die), potty trained, my oldest starting preschool, attended two professional ballets, turned 35 and adjusted to being a family of 5 while both my husband and I work full-time. (And these are just a "few" highlights of 2017).

It was probably the toughest year I have endured to-date. EVERY WEEK offered a new challenge which allowed us to press deeper into God and sacrifice so much of ourselves to serve others and take care of the "things" (material and relational) God has gifted us with.

In 2018, my resolutions are big... focusing first on God. Trying to live more radically for Him by getting rid of the excessive physical clutter to make room to mentally focus on relationships.  My desire is to be more intentional about serving those around (my husband and kids included) by a willingness to be "inconvenienced" to obey the calling/directing of the Holy Spirit. It is a big resolution that can only be fulfilled IN Him.

My other "big" resolution is to take just a little better care of myself. It might seem silly to you but I realized I sacrifice so much for my family that I forget to take care of my basic needs... so at the risk of TMI, here are my other 2018 goals: washing my face every night; brushing and flossing TWICE per day instead of just once; being more active (I have been walking laps around my backyard as the kids jump on the trampoline...not exactly how I pictured working out but at least it is exercise); drinking more water and less coffee; and shaving my legs more (silly, I know).

So, here is to a "reset" year. Striving more fiercely towards God and taking better care of myself to being more intentional. It feels good to write these things down, to remember where God has taken me and where He wants me to go.

What about you? What are your big (and small) resolutions in 2018?

Growing a boy: I am wrecked

I am wrecked. My son's body is broken. Our family is separated once again... yet I offer this:

Here is my broken hallelujah. 

God desires us to press deeper into him. As we cry out to him, he looks down in as much pain as I feel. Every emotion I can feel as a parent, it gives me me a deeper understanding about God's love and also the pain he feels when we are in pain. 

We live in a broken and a sinful world. 

Through all of these trials created by the newest member of our family, I have never asked why me. Instead I have asked God, "why not me?!"

It has been an emotional and physical battle since even before our premature son was born. Yet my faith is deepen. It is strengthened by this trial. I pray that our faith has increased the faith of others as well, knowing that God works all together for His good and glory...no matter the outcome.

It does not make this trial any easier or reduce the amount of pain or fear we are currently enduring. It doesn't mean that we don't cry or worry and fuss over our son (while worrying and fussing over our other two children). It doesn't mean we have figured it out. It feels like we are (and have been) in a state of survival.  But, having said all of that, it does give light and hope for our eternal life with no brokenness. 

Many people say that becoming a parent increases your understanding of who God is… I believe this whole heartedly. Nothing about this season of life is easy, but it is incredible to see time and time again God's promise proving to be real, true, and consistent! So we press into him deeper and deeper relying on his strength not our own. Our own strength fails us. Our emotions sometimes rage. Sometimes we are complete and utter wrecks! But we know that God is always near. He walks behind us, and front of us, beside us, and in us. The Holy Spirit envelops our very being by revealing God's love to us moment by moment. In our pain we give praise.

So in our pain, hurt, anguish (and every other emotion imaginable), we offer this:

Our broken hallelujah!

Growing a boy: Back at the hospital

Monday (May 15) our now full-term son (born 7-weeks early) began to have trouble eating. At first we didn't think too much of it but as a precaution we took him in to see a pediatrician on Tuesday. His reflux was the culprit, the pediatrician thought, so we added an antacid to our son's diet: twice a day -- morning and night. The first day it seemed to be working but a few days of the meds on board and it seemed like he was doing worse.

Last night was the worst of all! He stopped breathing twice...so much so that the Owlet foot alarm blared to warn us of his condition, oxygen dipping below 80. Racing into his nursery to stimulate him--rubbing and patting his back-- he finally took a breath. In addition, he was in so much pain he literally had to be held all night. My husband and I took turns throughout the night consoling him. Laying him down for 30 seconds or less would send him into a fit of rage. Poor thing. We couldn't figure out why he was in so much pain, why he wasn't eating and why he had stopped breathing. At about 5am we were getting desperate...again troubleshooting why our son would appear to the sucking on the bottle but not consuming any milk. We decided to try the preemie bottle nipple (he hadn't used this in over 3 weeks). Success! He "downed" 2 ounces...still a fraction of what we was eating before all of this occurred but more than he had eaten since the day before.

Of course we were concerned. The husband decided to take him to the hospital first thing this morning to get evaluated. I later joined him once our nanny arrived at 11am.  After a quick evaluation, he was admitted for a 24-hour observation. To our relief, Ollie had gained weight since Tuesday instead of losing (upwards of 9 pounds now!)...great considering he hadn't had very much at all to eat from 7p Friday night until 7a Saturday morning. Yet there were still many questions:

• Did he have virus?
• Was he being affected due to his partial lung removal?
• Is it something I am consuming and passing to him via breastmilk?
• Does he have such severe reflux that his esophagus has been compromised?

We were hoping to get answers. 

Shortly after arriving to the hospital, Ollie and I went with the nurse to the x-ray room in the ER. I sat on the stretcher holding Ollie, who was attached to an oxygen & heart monitor. My sweet son slept the whole ride. When we arrived, he was stripped down to a diaper and placed in this mid-evil torture looking device which would keep him still for the tummy and lung x-rays. It was horrifying to see my son----- sitting upright, strapped into this device, arms stretched overhead, head held by a leather band that was strapped to the plastic "body" holding device thing-----screaming as the x-ray techs worked as fast as they could to get the films so they could remove him. Wow.

The x-rays were good and showed that his lung looked good and a tummy full of......GAS! Yup! Gas! In addition to the reflux he has severe gas which he cannot pass...poor guy! Thankfully, Ollie calmed down quickly in my arms and within less than a minute he was fast asleep as we rode back up to his hospital room.

About an hour later the doctor came and shared with us that his x-rays looked normal aside from the gas. His esophagus is most likely stinging due the high amount of reflux. She changed his reflux meds and increased the dose as well as added IV fluids to ensure he was hydrated.  She also suggested that I should cut out dairy from my diet...surprisingly something I started 3 days ago!

So once again, our family is separated. My husband is at the hospital with our youngest and I am home with this bigs. We are still unsure of the outcome...they say he should grow out of the reflux (maybe around 3-5 months old?); his esophagus should heal quick-ish which would allow him to eat more (plus adding some rice-cereal to thicken the milk and better coat his throat); the elimination of dairy in my diet should (hopefully) reduce the reflux Ollie is experiencing. It is a waiting game coupled with trial and error. We are patiently enduring, trying to embrace every moment of this crazy thing called parenthood.

Maybe I Stopped Caring

...or maybe I am just too overwhelmed to notice.

Nothing in this year has gone as we had planned. We found out we were pregnant, lost a loved one, our basement flooded (TWICE!), discovered medical complications with my pregnancy which lead to a very stressful delivery followed by 28 days in the NICU. We are facing some other difficult, emotional circumstances on top of this as well. Life is not easy.

I find myself numb some days, going through the motions while trying to manage three very reliant children (of course all needing everything from me at the same time). Moments of rest are few and far between. When I do get rest, I worry that my youngest, only 5 weeks old, will stop breathing...which he does on occasion.  We are on high alert all of the time. This, of course, does not help with my "healing" c-section site.

We feel exhausted and isolated, trying to do what we can to reach out but understanding that everyone has their own woes to deal with. It is tough.

I am thankful these three children have made me a mother. They challenge my patience and reliance on God more than any other person has. When I grow weary, I know that God gives the extra strength. When I go through the motions (or fall asleep while bottle feeding our son), God is there to protect, guide, lead, be my beacon of strength.

I find that the simplest daily activities can cause me to be overwhelmed...the dish, laundry, bathing our children. Still facing physically limitation, this does not help. Our sweet youngest refuses to nurse. This causes me to spend at least 2-4 hours a day sitting at my breast pump, doing an enormous amount of "pump" dishes on top of the time is actually takes to bottle feed him (at least 30 min - 1 hour per feeding). Add in diaper changes on top of the needs to two others at 2 1/2 and 16 months, it can get pretty rough.

So all this to say...I continue to try to adopt the saying "it is what it is." My life circumstances may not change any time soon so I need to change my outlook on my circumstances. I may not get a solid night sleep any time soon but I need to take advantage of those sweet moments of rest (what I am doing writing this right now?!?). My son may never breastfed. My other two kids will fight with each other. The dishes will pile up as will the laundry... Embrace it. This is life. This is reality...three precious darlings that I love so much and a husband who is fighting the fight with me.

Even though it might feel like I have stopped caring, the real truth is: I care too much.

Growing a boy: Reset & Reboot

Tomorrow is the Sabbath. A day that should be set aside to reboot and reset before another week begins. A day to give thanks to God. A day of reflection. It sounds peaceful, serene. In today's culture some of the world stops...closes for the day. Shuts down. Rests. When it does it gives us an excuse, a reason, to take things a little slower.

For example, no mail can be sent or delivered. No face-to-face banking transactions can be made. It is as if it is a "free space" while playing BINGO...one more day to rest.

Longing.

My heart longs for this type of rest. This type of peace. Just one moment when I can reboot my soul...reset my settings. Take a breath without worry of missing out on the things that are most important to me: my relationship with God, husband, kids, family and friends.

Reflection comes in the short drive from my house to the hospital. It comes when I have a moment to go to the bathroom or when I finally take time to eat a meal or drink some water. My mind gets clouded by the list of things that needs to get done...should get done...or haven't gotten done.

My once focused heart has turned to survival in the midst of the challenging days I encounter. I'm thankful for music that stirs my heart back to the Creator...random Bible verse I see as a scroll through the pages of Facebook. The friends who visit me in the hospital...simply to visit with ME...not to see my preemie son or get the latest medical update...just to see (and recognize) me. It is refreshing.

Life in the throws of challenges is more deeply intertwined with every aspect of my life. I never imagined that I would be so effected physically and emotionally as I have been. As much as I want a reset, a reboot, I am thankful for my current sufferings.

James 1:2-5

² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

It is with this perspective I have done so well. I have my moments of tears yet through those tears I see God's grace and tender mercies towards me as I look into the face of the 6 pound infant HE decided to save. I am eternally grateful to the Father of Life for allowing us these days with our third child. Although the verse above promises that I will be mature and complete...lacking nothing...I still have a ways to go. It is a life journey of living the Sabbath everyday. Taking moments every day to reset, reboot, refocus, reflect and fix my eyes on the Creator who gives life.

What a miracle it is to be seen by Him, used by Him, and preserved by His gracious hand.

Growing a boy: Being a NICU mom sucks

Okay, I am not going to lie.

Being a NICU mom sucks! After being in the hospital all day, I walked out to a beautiful spring day...I missed it.

In the confines of the hospital walls I interacted with other not-so-nice NICU moms, a son who decided to turn blue and almost stop breathing 3x today and a barrage of hospital personnel entering our room at what felt like 45 minute intervals.

I am exhausted.

In stark contrast, I came home to a sweet 15/mo son and little girl eagerly awaiting her momma's arrival and who insisted, "stay there momma...I'm coming to get you." This was followed by a huge hug, smile and lots of laughs. We enjoyed a wonderfully prepared meal by our friends and then a family dance party to Celtic and Hip-Hip Christian music (what a combo, I know).

Although most of the moments of my day are tough, taxing, overwhelming...there is always sunshine (mostly figuratively speaking given the spring rainy season we are in). All three of my kids bring me joy in different ways.

My oldest loves to read, cuddle, and take me by the hand to lead me to her next adventure. My second child loves to smile, clap his hands together and follow me around the house. When our youngest looks me in the eyes, I just melt.

Today was certainly better than yesterday, emotionally speaking, but it was still a long tough day. I feel like I sit around and wait in the hospital for my youngest son's feeding times (9, 12, 3, 6) ...this is followed by kicks, screams, attempts at breastfeeding, some frustration and poopy diapers..with little success of actually accomplishing the primary goal of a full nursing session. Yes, it is a process. Yes, if I look objectively there are small advances in the area of nursing....but THEN physical therapy shows up, pointing out yet more things that we need to work on.

Again, it is overwhelming the amount of tiny little things that I need to remember and "work" on. How can I possibly 1) remember them all and 2) implement then all at the same time!??!

I know the job of each of these hospital persons is to help us and our sweet youngest, but where is the encouragement? Am I doing anything right? It gets frustrating having professionals looking down over you or directly taking your baby from your arms or the constant "no, try it this way...no, do this instead....no, that won't work that way."

Being a NICU mom sucks. There is no way around it.

My day is schedule around pumping, attempts at breastfeeding and keeping track of medical appointments/paperwork that still needs to be turned in or completed. How can I possibly find time for anything else?! It is all consuming. Even though my baby is not home yet, I still have to wake 1-3x per night to pump. I still have to "take it easy" to heal from my c-section just 19 days ago. I still have to grow my relationship with my husband and two other kids.

All I really want to do is get my hair colored. I want to soak in a clean bathtub. I want to be healed from my c-section pain so that I can pick up my kids, walk them to the park or play hard with them in the backyard.

I want my old "normal" life back in which I had the energy to keep up our household, plan gatherings for our friends or simply have a few moments of not feeling torn between two places...having my family separated.

We hope to have our sweetie boy will be home in a few weeks from now if things keep going the way they are. Then I will no longer be a NICU mom, but then I will be a mother with three kids trying to survive while trying not to favor the preemie because he just "seems more delicate and needs more attention."

It will be a hard transition to say the least but at least there is hope that I will not be a NICU mom forever.  We are excited about the homecoming of our youngest when the time is right.

Growing a boy: My Raw Emotions

The emotions have finally hit.

Up to this point, I feel like I have dealt with the struggle of our preemie growing boy pretty well...taking each new surprise and challenge in stride. But now it is where it gets tough.

Yes, it is wonderful to have our youngest closer to home yet at the same time it pulls at my heart even harder to have to leave him. Maybe because he is more alert, maybe because I know that he is only 12 minutes from my house and I can just pick up and drive down there with minimal planning. I feel like the relationship with my other two kids has been compromised...focusing more on when/how I can make it down the road rather than enjoying time with my other two.

The big challenge...the road block that needs to be removed before coming home... breastfeeding. Honestly, I did better emotionally when they told me that the surgeons were going to cut open my son's chest to remove a mass/portion of his lung then I am with teaching my preemie how to breastfeed.

My milk production is not the issue. Me knowing how to nurse is not the issue. It is my son's lack of skill that needs to be learned. I know this in my head but my heart aches that he is just not getting it. (Knowing also he is just 36-weeks gestation and this skill will take time to learn).

My mind wonders, "It has to be me." "Maybe he just doesn't like me." "Maybe I am too loud." "Maybe I really don't know what I am doing."

I get emotional. I cry. I secretly get frustrated at myself (thankfully not at my son).

"I must be doing something wrong."

Although the last few days have been great having him closer to home, it has also separated me and my husband...taking shifts to be with him after our other two go to bed. In many ways this is good...the one who is home gets alone time and the other gets to snuggle and stimulate our son (who would otherwise just be laying in a silent hospital room by himself).

This part of the journey for me is the toughest. I was not expecting that. I feel more exhausted (or maybe is it the last 18+ days catching up to me). I feel more worn. I feel less able to deal with the household things that need to be done. I am overwhelmed.

I know it is just a season. I know that whether my son has to be fed my breastmilk via a bottle or by my breast (or even by formula), he will survive. He is a fighter. The ultimate goal is to breastfeed him but the "ultimate ultimate" goal is to get him home...whether that means bottle or breastfeeding.

So...there you have it...my ugly raw emotions in type.

Please pray for us, our marriage and our kids during this challenging time. Yes- it is just a season. Yes- this too shall pass. Yet standing in the middle of it, it feels like sinking sand.

Much love.

Growing a boy: It is just beginning

Well, sweet Ollie boy has made it to 16-days of life. In that short (but looooong 16 days) we have said goodbye to him at least 2 or three times, witness answered prayers, and have experienced the love of a community we never realized we had. We have been humbled, asking and accepting help for everyday, normal tasks that just seemed too overwhelming to deal with like buying milk or bananas at the grocery store.  It has been a roller coaster of emotions as we sorted through the many challenges this little boy has brought us. It certainly has brought my husband and I closer and has taught us about the fragility of life.

Now that our youngest is in a NICU closer to home, it feels like we are missing out on his life even more. He is more alert now (making is so difficult to leave him at the hospital when he is starring straight at me or crying!). It heightens the stress of trying to teach him how to nurse (one of the skills he has to learn before coming home). It makes the reality of his homecoming so present.

Then I think..what then?!?!

Up to this point we have been so blessed with support such as dinners, lawn mows, etc. but what will happen when he comes home? I am terrified that he will stop breathing (something I witnessed today...his little preemie face turning blue and his heart rate dipping to 65 bpm). I am terrified of not being able to keep up with our laundry and cooking meals for 4 people on top of nursing. I am terrified for the adjustment our two oldest will have to make...having mommy's attention divided. I am terrified to see all the medical bills start to come in not only for Ollie but for my 1-week hospital stay & operation.

This is just the beginning.

Yes, we have been through a lot starting 1-week before his delivery but really, it is just the beginning. Being born 7-weeks early and having a portion of a lung removed on top of chest tubes, x-rays, pricks and pokes, it is no doubt that he will be a fighter. However, we have to watch for developmental delays (especially since he did not receive oxygen for almost 7 minutes after birth). There is no clear understanding about what the large tumor-like mass, removed from his tiny body, is and the long-term care plan to ensure it does not come back or does not cause any problems as he grows.

So what is my point in writing all of this? First I am exhausted. It has been an emotional day, transferring our son to a NICU closer to home (and riding in the ambulance). And secondly, to be honest, I really don't know. Maybe just to express my fears for the future and our ongoing need for love and encouragement in real and practical ways. We are a divided family of 5 with three children who need very different things. We are strong in our faith yet exhausted from balancing all that life has given us. We cannot effectively meet everyone's needs all the time...our sweet oldest does not quiet understand this.

So, will all that being said: We are beyond grateful and beyond appreciate for all of the love, prayers, and encouragements we have received. I know that this is just the beginning.

Growing a boy: Bed Rest Day 5 (Overwhemled)

Saturday, April 1: Bed Rest Day 5

I felt like I got better sleep last night. I didn't need any pain med in the night and the anti-contraction meds seemed to work great too. My fetal monitoring got moved from once per shift to every 4 hours. Around 4:30am, I was put on the monitor and baby's heartbeat was difficult to locate. After trying for about 20 minutes the nurse used a doppler. The heartbeat was located sporadically but not well enough to "count." This process took over an hour. The nurse was finally satisfied with the readings we got and my back was hurting due to the back contractions I was having. We called it quits. There was a scary moment though, not knowing if a heartbeat was there.

After this ordeal, my darling husband took a quick trip to the hospital cafe and surprised me with a blueberry scone and a decaf double raspberry latte! YUM! We sat in the room eating and drinking our treats discussing our excitement to see our kids today! I had great expectations for this day. I mean, how can you not by starting out with yummy coffee and the knowledge of seeing your kids.

My next monitoring was scheduled for around 8am. Oh boy, what this an ordeal! The nurses switched shifts and a new nurse was now on my case. She was wonderful and also tried valiantly to capture baby's heartbeat but was unsuccessful because baby moves around so much. This resulted in a flood of providers entering our room...nurses and doctors, dopplers and ultrasound machines-- just to try and get a steady heart count on baby. At one point there were at least 6 providers swarming around me. Everyone was very nice but also asking a lot of questions...questions about baby, possible c-section, severity of contractions....it went on. Overwhelming! Good morning Saturday! After about another hour things slowed down including contractions. Baby was fine (and had been the whole time). I then realized (duh!) that stress greatly increased the severity and duration of my contractions. Even through things slowed down, I was again put on an "ice-chips-only-diet" until further notice. I was even more thankful for that morning coffee and scone.

Another measure they wanted to take to help slow contractions was IV fluids. Since my IV was put in two days ago it has stung but today it was different. It burned and itched as they began to push the fluids into my body...the IV was blown. Bummer!! We had to wait for IV Therapy to come done and start another line...this time in my right hand. Although this is a little more comfortable, it is rather inconvenient.

By this time it was about 11am or so and still no kids. We eagerly awaited their arrival and when they showed up, it was nothing but pure delight. Our daughter was curious about everything, exploring the room and asking questions. She finally snuggled with me in the bed and I read her a Bible story. I could tell she missed her momma. Certain not enough time with her. I just love that little girl to pieces and I did not realize how much I missed her until she was in my arms. Our son on the other hand, at 15-months old was tired, hungry and cranky. There was not any opportunity for me to hold him as he wiggles and moves so much. I am restricted from lifting anything heavier than 6-10 pounds. I am still a little sad I couldn't hold him but I was able to make him smile. My parents and sister came also. It was such a delight to have the family together. On the way out daughter did not want to leave me. My Momma heart broke as I could hear her scream my name from down the hall. "At least I know she loves me," I thought. My heart was overwhelmed.

Tyler and I had a quick late lunch and by 2:30pm I was back on the monitor. Because our boy moves around in all my fluid, it is hard to track his heartbeat. I was on the monitor until about 4:15pm.

Shortly after, our friends came to bring us dinner, to pray over us and to have a quick visit. It was so wonderful to see their faces and to hear how they are AND to hear they were going on a date once they left the hospital! Dating your spouse is so important. It gave me the idea of dating Tyler...even though we are stuck in a hospital.

Putting on the new robe and socks my sister gave me, Tyler and I had a cafeteria date. :) Fruit and drinks from the hospital coffee bar. Although I had to be pushed around in a wheel chair, it was so nice to get out of our room and have different scenery.

It is just now 7pm...still a few hours left in the day but I would call day 5 of bed rest overwhelming in both challenging and good ways. Overwhelmed by the amount of staff caring for me and baby, overwhelmed by the love of my kids, overwhelmed by the love and support of family and friends visiting/sending us messages.

Physically, I can just feel all those 17cm of fluid that left my body yesterday have returned to my body making it difficult to move and get up and down. The ultrasound tomorrow will measure the actual fluid I have but it sure feels like it has come back! I am still battling this cold and I developed pink eye in my left eye. Fun, huh?

Spiritually, I have been so encouraged by so many scriptures today but especially Psalm 34 & Matthew 17:20. Thank you to those who have sent us scripture today!

Tomorrow we look forward to having an another ultrasound (praying no fluid appears on his stomach or lungs!) and celebrating the fact that baby Ollie had one more day in the womb. You could also be praying that baby stays on the monitor for a full 30-minutes every 4-hours...this would greatly ease our minds and my discomfort of having to stay still for 30-minutes. :)

Stay tuned for more and I report tomorrow on day 6 of bed rest (hopefully)... Again, thank you for your love, support and prayers!

What Does It Mean: Making Time for "Me"

Yesterday was a luxury. My husband "gave me" the morning off from our sick kids so I could sneak out of the house to grade papers at Starbucks and run a few errands. It was an effort to get out of the house since I have been under the weather too but I desperately needed to get away.

I set-up shop at Starbucks with my piping hot coffee, steaming breakfast sandwich and laptop. It only took me an hour and a half to get caught up on emails and papers. I was excited to go to clothing shopping for the kids at the very last Quarter Sale at my favorite consignment shop followed by a quick trip to the Dollar Store to buy supplies for our upcoming neighborhood gathering.

Three hours later, I walked in the door to chaos. Children crying, house a mess, a husband rushing around trying to get out the door to hang out with a friend.

I sat on the couch scarfing down my leftover pizza accompanied by the screeches and cries of my 1 and 2 1/2 year old children who were "napping." What a relaxing homecoming. I wish I could say I felt refreshed and energized after my three hours away but I came home exhausted. Maybe it is being 24-weeks pregnant, recovering from being sick or the lack of sleep at night from my "I don't want to sleep at night" 1-year-old son. Either way it was not what I anticipated.

As I sat on the couch eating I began to think, "what does it mean to take time for me?" Reflecting on the day, I realized the my morning was filled with doing things for other people: grading papers for my students, shopping for clothing for my kids, buying supplies for my neighbors. Although I enjoy all of those things and they do bring me satisfaction to an extent...it was busy and non-refreshing.

So, what does it mean to take time for me?

Becoming a mother has changed how I think about time for me.

Here are 11 new ways I have discovered, "What it means to make time for me:"

1. Taking a nap while the kids are sleeping.
2. Enjoying a HOT cup of coffee while reading a quick devo or a page of a book as the kids eat breakfast.
3. Watching Grey's Anatomy on Thursday nights while folding laundry (side note: this past weeks episode was so disappointing).
4. Calling a friend to catch-up since getting together is a huge challenge with sickness, nap schedules, etc.
5. Shopping without the kids, regardless of what I am buying.
6. The splurge to get a pedicure...ALONE. (My husband supports this habit monthly when I am pregnant...I'm a blessed girl).
7. Sitting in church service on Sundays and Tuesdays (with childcare) as I connect with others who share my beliefs. 
8. Taking a few extra minutes to wash my face in the morning and evening...I LOVE my new Arbonne Products!
9. Blogging :) as my oldest plays on the floor and my son sleeps.
10. Dancing along side my daughter in her mommy & me ballet class.
11. Buying the "expensive" laundry soap and scent boosters for my clothing. It brings me joy to have the fresh, long lasting scent lingering on my clothes. 

Whether you are a mother or not, work full-time or not, it can be hard to make time for "me." How do you do it? What do you do? Please leave comments here. I am always looking for new ways to make time to rest, reflect and rejuvenate in the craziness we call life!

Be blessed.

Life is Messy...and that is okay.

Life gets messy...

• toys scattered (and tripped over)
• piles of unclean clothes (that probably should have been washed WAY sooner)
• dirty dishes piled in the sink (because you are either too tired or too distracted to put the clean ones away)
• bathrooms are not sparkling clean
• papers piled up on the kitchen counter (but at least the bills are paid, right?)
• emails let unresponded to (the important one always get answered)

...yet it will all be okay.

Being currently sick and 17 weeks pregnant, already having a 2-year old and (almost) 1-year old, priorities change. I am resolved with the fact that life gets messy and that is okay.

I use to have such a high standard of "clean" and an even higher standard for communicating with the outside world, being over the top thoughtful...then I had kids. I realized that I can no longer do everything I once did...at least not to the standard I use to hold. I am sure that one day I will get back there but it is freeing in a sense to let go of these high standard and embrace this season on a messy life. 

It does not mean that I live in a pigpen and things never get clean. It means I allow toys to be scattered on the floor throughout the day, picking up at the END of the day on most days instead of spending precious time picking them up and then picking up the same toys again... about 5 times a day. It means I teach and encourage my kids to clean up after themselves (and it works!!!! even at 11-months old!). I much rather spend time PLAYING with my kids rather than being their maid and always picking up after them.

It does not mean that I never do laundry. It means that laundry gets done when the baskets are full instead of doing a million mini-loads. It also means that on many occasions you can walk into my house to see a basket of clean unfolded laundry sitting next to the couch. I will get to it within a day or so. It might take me just as long to put them away but I reassure you, our clothes are clean. They do get folded and hung up/put away...just on a bit of a different time scale than before. I much rather spend time with my kids playing than folding clothes.

It does not mean that flies are fluttering in my kitchen around the dirty dishes in the sink. It does mean that it might take a full 24-hours to unload the clean dishes, reload with the dirty ones and start the whole cycle over. For me, this is one of my most dreaded tasks...who knows why, but it is. Tag-teaming and communicating with my husband ensure that our sink is empty about 50% of the time during the week. Seriously, I much rather spend time with my kids playing than doing the dishes (and if my husband wants to do them...even better!) 

It does not mean that mold and other undesirable "things" are growing in my bathroom. It means I wipe things as I go and about every month or so I do a deep clean of the bathroom. With potty training, blowout diapers and entering the muddy-outside weather, my bathrooms sees a lot of action. It is hard to keep them sparkling. I would literally have to spend at least an hour a day to keep them sparkling....sorry, not going to happen. But again, I assure you, are bathrooms are clean and they do get a deep scrub just not on the scale they use to. I much rather be spending time playing with my kids then on my pregnant hand and knees scrubbing the bathroom.

It does not mean that I have totally disregarded my responsibilities as an adult. On the contrary, I think I take my role as an adult more seriously now since I have two (well, three) creatures depending on me, a husband to love, an employer to fulfill my work obligation as well as my community/friends to connect with and serve. Life gets busy. The true priorities will also be taken care of with the right focus and heart. This may mean that piles of papers get unfiled and stacked on my kitchen counter for a week or two. I am okay with that.

So, here is the current view of my living room.


On most days it does not look like this but I must say we are making some great and fun memories among the mess. I love the saying, "Please excuse the mess. We are making memories here." Welcome to my new perpsective on life. As I continue to work on embracing this season of life, join me! It is more freeing than you think to let go of some of those high standards and ..... well..... just live!

Pease be upon you.

~B~

Pt. 2: When It Rains It Pours: The hardest season of life

The kids are down for the night. Husband is working late (until at least 1am). And I am drinking some peppermint tea in hopes of soothing my very sore and swollen throat. As I snuck in a shower, I began to reflect on my previous blog and all that this hard season is and has been teaching me...to be honest, something I have not done until just a few moments ago.

It is easy to complain about where God has us or just plain forget that God always has a plan. So, I am choosing to have a different attitude (...thanks for letting me vent in my past posting).

Trials, hard seasons, whatever you want to call them...they test us. I have found that four areas of my life have been testing quiet a lot in these past months:

1. My Faith
2. My Marriage
3. My Family
4. My Friends

1. My Faith: I wish I could say that I have been on my knees everyday petitioning to God about all the happenings in my life. I haven't. Who has time? (I cringe as I type that last question). I was so caught up in just surviving, especially this past month, that I have spent little to no time diving in the WORD myself. Conviction! I know that God is always with me and He guides my path everyday...I have seen glimpses of Him controlling my tongue or my attitude towards my kids or husband or making a way for me to get my grading done or prepare for my son's first birthday but it is sad that this, my faith, has not been my top priority. My faith in Jesus grounds me. Gives me peace. Gives me hope. Helps me put life into proper perspective. To serve others and look beyond what I consider "horrible" circumstances. I certainly have been failing this part of the "test" but I am thankful that His mercies renew everyday and that I love Jesus and He loves me without a checklist of dos and don'ts. Seriously, thank you Jesus!

2. My Marriage: Like ships passing in the night (or at the front door), I can certainly say that this is not the strongest point our marriage has ever seen. So many changes have happened (and will happen) in these months that it literally has felt like a bunch of mini-business interactions, logistics of getting life sorted out and taken care of. Date night has been nonexistent, minus last Monday when we went to the Banff Film Festival. We both have been sick, taking turns of course, and as a result, the other has willingly taken up the slack of the grocery shopping, laundry, child care, etc. Text messages have taken the place of most face-to-face conversations due to necessity of our schedules. When will life slow down? I am thankful for all of the pictures we have posted around our house of our great adventures, some local some aboard. They remind me of who we were as a couple, who I want us to be and all of the great qualities I love about the man I married nearly 7 years ago. We are certainly in it for the long haul. I am SO thankful to have him by myself and fighting for us just as hard as I am!  This is not a test I will fail! :)

3. My Family: First, my children. What a blessing and joy they truly are. They both have such unique and amazing personalities that come out more and more everyday. It is a privilege to shepherd them and get a front row seat to view of every stage of development. Although I feel as though I have ages YEARS since having them due to sleepless nights and the worries that most parents have, I would not trade this journey in for anything. Being a mother to them, especially in this hard season, has taught me more about love, patience, respect and noticing the details. (Trust me, the love and patience things is a HUGE test with a 2-year old and an 11-month old who wants to chew on everything and destroy everything). It has offered me the new perspective of seeing these changes from their world's view instead of mine. It has allowed me to include them in the craziness of life as we deal with life and death, rearrange our house to accommodate a new baby brother or sister and to teach about giving as we sort through to get rid of toys/clothes/etc. It is a learning opportunity in which I can teach them both how to handle life's hard circumstances with grace. It is an opportunity to teach them about praying for those arounds them who might also be struggling with change and transition. Secondly, this hard season has tested the relationships we have with our immediate families. I am thankful for our immediate families who have so willingly taken the kids or sent text messages just to see how we are. It is a true testament to all those popular and well known says that we can lean on family in hard times. This is so true.

4. My Friends: In prior seasons, I have spent so much more time investing into friendships than I have in the past three months. I would arrange coffee or play dates, social gatherings or group events. I have been slacking in this area. Although my heart is craving this authentic one-on-one or group time with my closest friends, I just have not have the room in my mind to plan or take care of one more event. (But please, if you want to get together, please let me know!!!). A few friends in this particular season have really stepped up when our family needed it the most. (Literally) offering a shoulder to cry on, a good meal, or care for both of our kids so we could take care of the responsibilities that come with being an adult. Some friendships have been but aside with little to no interaction while others have seemingly survived with the occasional text message here or there. Despite the different seasons we (as humans) go through, often times our friendships go through seasons too. I must say that I have been so INCREDIBLY grateful for those who have personally invested their lives with our durning this hard season...who get it without having to ask questions or without needing an explanation for the reason I just might not seem "happy" on a particular day. It reminds me of Proverbs 18:24 "...but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." So for those of you who have done this for us, we are so, so grateful for your love and partnership as we share in this journey of life.

So there you have it...for now. I know there are many, MANY other areas of my life being tested (such as full-time-work vs. full-time-life balance and becoming a mother of three under three among other topics listed above), but for now, I rejoice! COME ON! It is Christmas time! A time when we get to focus of the miraculous gift of Baby Jesus...the amazing life Jesus lived and what He taught us through that life that carries on today. So, if you are facing a hard season: pray, focus on your marriage and those relationships that matter most. Learn to count your blessings and surround yourself with those who will willingly walk though life without...with no judgement or hesitation but but pure love, honesty and grace.

Peace be upon you, my friends.

When It Rains It Pours: The hardest season of life

You have heard the saying, "when it rains it pours." Well, that is the most accurate description of my life right now. Let me explain...

It all started in late August when we were surprised with the news of baby #3. In many ways it was an answer to our prayers because we were truly undecided if we should have a third.  Well, God answered that for us and in His perfect timing. Literally at day one of this pregnancy I felt nauseous...immediately I knew I was pregnant.

The month quickly transitioned from summer to fall which is a season of new beginnings and lots of planning. After having almost 3 months off of teaching, I was thrusted into the full swing of teaching 4 university level courses in addition to being a full-time stay at home mom...pregnant again with non-stop nausea. Fun. With the husband working mostly afternoon into evening shifts that left me feeding, bathing and putting our VERY two-years-old and 10-month old to sleep most nights. Talk about exhausting. I will confess that I made way too much mac & cheese or fish sticks for dinner. Mom of the year award for frozen & processed foods! When I had just my daughter I would have NEVER DREAMED of giving her these types of foods. Sorry son. To top the craziest of our September begins, both my husband & I are bible study leaders. Yea, way to add one more thing! Oh and did I mention that our 10-month old son still gets up 2-4 times a night. Boy, let me tell you how refreshed I am in the morning.

October started off fine. We were finding our balance as a family and I was learning how to manage my nausea along with my million other responsibilities.  We began the "big bedroom move" which consisted of combining offices (down to one shared desk between my husband and I...so far so good), purging my clothing to combine two closest into one tiny shared closet with my hubby and cleaning out our back room in preparation to move our son downstairs so that the current nursery could be re-done for baby 3. As we slowly made progress, my nausea began to subside and life felt like it was getting back to normal....until we woke up mid-October to many text messages and phone calls sent during the night. Tyler's mother had passed away.

It shouldn't have been as much as a shock as it was. In early September, the family made the decision to put her on hospice care. She had a saddle pulmonary embolism over three years prior which left her bed bound and unable to retain most of her short-term memory. Regardless of her condition, it is never easy when a family member passes (expected or not). So, just as we felt our life normalizing, we were in the throughs of dealing with cremation and memorial planning. Her death brought up a lot of memories from my husband's childhood, some good, some bad. It took roughly two weeks for things to settle...at least for most of the logistics to be taken care of (we are still dealing with some minor items from her estate). Before we knew it November had arrived. The month that we had been planning for since June.

Back in June we has decided to plan a family trip to Maui to support my husband's required continuing medical education. He found a great conference in Maui which would allow him to get the knowledge and CME credits he needed as well as a great opportunity to spend some family time together. This trip occurred just two weeks after his mom died. In addition to preparing for her memorial, we were packing our bags to fly to Hawaii. Talk about mixed emotions and WAY too much planning for such a short timeframe. We made it though, our bags packed and kids prepared. We arrived at the airport that first week in November with plenty of time to check our bags and find our gate. When we finally boarded at 10am, we learned there was an engine problem. Grounded, on the plane with two kids, for an hour! They fixed the problem. We all found our seats again and we eagerly awaited takeoff. Forty-five minutes into our flight... over the Pacific Ocean... the engine problem reoccurred. We had no choice but to fly back to the airport so that they could fix the plane. Long story short, our plane ended up not taking off until 1:45AM...talk about a "slight" delay. It felt relentless especially after all of the stress leading up to this trip. I wish I could say that our trip got better but it didn't. Both kids got sick (as well as my husband) and our boy decided that it was the perfect time to cut teeth. In addition, our two-year decided to become two on this trip...you know the "NO! I do it! No help please! MY TURN" kinda two. She had NEVER acted like this until Hawaii. Needless to say, everyday was a battle. The husband left at 7am to return at 1pm Monday-Friday for his conference. I was literally done dealing with the kids and my nausea by the time he made it back to the condo. My son not sleeping through the night (waking 3-5 times was slightly obnoxious too)...so here we were in tropical paradise struggling to embrace this so-called "vacation." To be honest, we almost left 4-days early but decided to stick it out. Overall, we were glad that we went for those few and far between fun memories we made but it certainly was not relaxing and we did not come back tan!

The day after we got back, I jumped right back into my role as Relay Center Coordinator for Operation Christmas Child. I coordinate a team of volunteers every year to help collect shoebox gifts that are sent around the world. It is a great project but a lot of work to organize. I was exhausted with little rest but really, what are you going to do? The day after was my families Thanksgiving which involved shopping and preparing a few side dishes for the festivities...seriously...one thing after another after another. We enjoyed the gathering and the food but were thankful to come home and rest once the evening was done. The following week was real Thanksgiving. We were glad to purchase our side dish and bring it instead of making it from scratch.

Thanksgiving has always been a great time of year for my family and a stepping stone to Christmas. Which this year seemed to approach quicker than any other year due to the craziness of life.....OH YEA! And our son's first birthday! December has started off trying to catch up....decorating, buying gifts, planning my son's first birthday party, planning a gender reveal party for the end of the month for baby 3, finishing our "big bedroom move"...did I mention I started this month off being sick? Knock down, don't touch me or talk to me sick? Just one more thing. I am praying that the craziness of this life's season will pass quickly while trying to embrace the great memories in between but it sure has been hard to remain upbeat, positive and mentally together dealing with all of these challenges.

I guess the saying is right, when it rains it pours!

PS- when my husband got into his car today to drive to his 12-hour shift...he sat on a bee and got stung... IN DECEMBER!! Seriously, Lord, please have mercy on us.

Retaining "me" in the midst of everything

It is 3:45pm on a Friday afternoon. Both kids are sleeping (YES! at the same time!!). And I have re-warmed my morning coffee (for the second time) in hopes to finally finish just one-cup before the caffeine keeps me awake all night.

After a day of wind breezing through the sky and rain filling the earth, the sun peeks through my kitchen window. I breathe.

It has been a long week. A week of balancing one-sick infant and a very active toddler, caring for and grading multiple assignments for over 150 students, remembering to (finally) put the clothes in the dryer. After 5-loads of backed-up laundry waiting to be put away...it happened! Everything is back in its proper home. My to-do list is still long...seems like it always is yet I take a moment to enjoy the silence of my house. No one wanting me. The house not beckoning for attention (I am ignoring the toys scattered on the living room floor behind me). In this moment, I reflect on why it matters to still retain "ME" in the midst of the demands the world brings.

• My passions allow me to get excited.
• My hobbies recharge me which in turn makes me a better wife, mommy, and friend. 
• My relationship with Jesus often suffers at the constant tugging or crying of my children. Investing in this daily (although it doesn't always happen), allows me to maintain a godly point of view (when all I really want to do is overreact).
• Connecting with friends via text, email or phone allows me to encourage others which in turn encourages me.

This is a very short list (because I know my kids will soon be stirring and seeking snacks, dinner, etc.) but this concept of "retaining me" in the midst of everything is so important to explore. Just because I am a wife, mom, friend, teacher, leader, etc. I do not want to forsake the gifts and passions God has instilled in me. I am blessed to have a wonderful husband who supports my crazy (and over abundance) of party planning or my new organizational idea. As often as he can due to his work schedule he watches the kids so I can sneak away to a coffeeshop to read, do Bible Study or simply sit. I am blessed to have the love and support of a wonderful family who also helps me "retain me." Although the "me" now looks drastically different than my "me" before kids, I have to be okay with how my life has changed...it certainly has changed for the better so why do I look to the past? Anyway....embrace who you are...in the season you are in. Find ways to continue to "retain you" in the midst of the world's demands. I am curious, how are you able to do this? (I am always looking for new ideas!).

Thanks for reading and Happy Epic Fall Storm of 2016!

Honoring Marriage in Parenthood

It all started when my husband and I realized that we had no time for each other. It was like ships passing in the night with his work schedule and my sleepless nights caring for our seven month old son & crazy days chasing our 2-years old toddler.… our conversations would mostly be through text or at 1 AM when he rolled into bed after working a 10 hour shift (most of which he would forget because he was so tired). Dialogs in the morning consisted of getting the kids fed and changed before sending my husband off to yet another long shift.

Something had to change!

So we took out our calendars and decided to tackle the cultural problem with being too busy.

Last month we instituted "surprise date day" which once a month one spouse plans a surprise date...(no hints allowed!!), finds childcare and works out all the details. The other spouse willingly follows. 

Last month I planned a movie-theater, popcorn eating, air conditioned, snuggle my man in comfy theater seats date! Something we have both wanted to do more frequently than we have. Pre-kids, we enjoyed going to the movies at least once or twice a month. Post kids, we are lucky if we get out to the theater once every six months. It was a real treat!

This month was my husband's turn. The only hint that he gave me was to dress in active wear. I had no idea what he had in mind. Rockclimbing maybe? As I walked out the front door I saw the kayak on top of our vehicle! We own a double kayak we affectionately called "the yellow banana." I was getting pretty excited about where he might be taking me.

He said to get cozy because the drive might be a little while. Shortly there after I guessed that we were kayaking through the Ballard Locks! It was such a wonderful surprise date! We stopped at Trader Joe's to grab lunch, pushed off the kayak into the crystal clear lake water and headed towards the locks. The breeze was warm and the water calm. We enjoyed laughing, talking, and splashing each other just a bit as we paddled each stroke. Before we knew it, we were in the lineup to enter the locks. It was such a fascinating experience especially with the salmon running. A little nervous at first, our little kayak did very well!  Once we got through the locks, we paddled a little further and pulled off to a quaint little beach where we ate our lunch and enjoyed a spectacular water view. 

Our stop wasn't too long as we had to paddle back and drive the hour and a half home to relieve the babysitter. But it is so special to carve out time with the man I fell love with well over 8 years ago.

I'm and thankful for our new tradition. We still go on other dates within the month, but there is something special about being surprised and also surprising the one you love. We have also been more intentional about planning a family day once a week. This family day consists of two hours to a full day of just spending time enjoying life as a family of four! 

Below are a few pictures from our adventure today.

Many Blessings.