Growing a boy: I am wrecked

I am wrecked. My son's body is broken. Our family is separated once again... yet I offer this:

Here is my broken hallelujah. 

God desires us to press deeper into him. As we cry out to him, he looks down in as much pain as I feel. Every emotion I can feel as a parent, it gives me me a deeper understanding about God's love and also the pain he feels when we are in pain. 

We live in a broken and a sinful world. 

Through all of these trials created by the newest member of our family, I have never asked why me. Instead I have asked God, "why not me?!"

It has been an emotional and physical battle since even before our premature son was born. Yet my faith is deepen. It is strengthened by this trial. I pray that our faith has increased the faith of others as well, knowing that God works all together for His good and glory...no matter the outcome.

It does not make this trial any easier or reduce the amount of pain or fear we are currently enduring. It doesn't mean that we don't cry or worry and fuss over our son (while worrying and fussing over our other two children). It doesn't mean we have figured it out. It feels like we are (and have been) in a state of survival.  But, having said all of that, it does give light and hope for our eternal life with no brokenness. 

Many people say that becoming a parent increases your understanding of who God is… I believe this whole heartedly. Nothing about this season of life is easy, but it is incredible to see time and time again God's promise proving to be real, true, and consistent! So we press into him deeper and deeper relying on his strength not our own. Our own strength fails us. Our emotions sometimes rage. Sometimes we are complete and utter wrecks! But we know that God is always near. He walks behind us, and front of us, beside us, and in us. The Holy Spirit envelops our very being by revealing God's love to us moment by moment. In our pain we give praise.

So in our pain, hurt, anguish (and every other emotion imaginable), we offer this:

Our broken hallelujah!