Getting Healthy: It's 5 am

My motherhood duties beckon me this morning at 5am. Not much sleep for the weary here. I comfort my youngest with a cozy blanket, a sippy cup of water in his crib and two rounds of "Twinkle Twinkle." Hoping to get at least another hour of sleep, I sneak back into bed with a heavy, sleeping husband who arrived home just two hours prior. Not being able to sleep next to his "deep sleep," I decide to take the treadmill for a whirl. Thanks for encouragement from Ray-Mau ;) I FINALLY listened to a saved podcast from three weeks ago!!!

My twenty-minute treadmill "speed" walk ended with my 4.5 year old startling me as she walked into my workout. It's now 5:40am and all three of my children are up....what is wrong with this!?! They used to sleep until 7am!! Seriously, can someone tell me if this is normal...I mean really...is it? Momma thought 5am would be a "safe" time to have some alone time. I am letting my 2 year old babble in his crib; I hear my 3 year old moving around in his bedroom but I DARE NOT check on him or game over; I sent my 4.5 year old back to her room for at least another 20-25 minute.

What I am doing is important. It is not only important for me but for my children as well. They need me to be healthy as much as I need me to be healthy. I am learning to be okay with this. I need to advocate for myself within my family so that I can be healthy.

FOCUS-- okay. So as I was walking I also realized that my "getting healthy" is trifold:

1. Spiritual Health
2. Emotional Health
3. Physical Health

For me, these areas are very much interconnected. Since the fall of 2018 I have been lacking in my spiritual health, unable to find a Bible Study or connection group that my little-ducklings can also be well taken care of while I am fed. I have not gotten into a routine at home that is sustainable yet I do teach my children daily about Jesus...for the next month we are focusing on the Fruit of the Spirit through song, craft and service. I guess in a way I am being feed through these activities. It just looks different from what I want it to me. (I am looking for suggestions, though....always! of a solid connection group I can join).

I am thankful I am once again emotionally healthy-ish after the last two years of dealing my "trauma-birth-brain."

And my physical health, point number three, which will be the main focus of this blog series with touches of the other two areas. I am so excited that I now have the mental space to be able to take care of myself and recognize my three "needs" areas.

BRASS TACKS:
Successes so far (okay, it has only been about 24-ish hours since making this declaration of getting healthy, but small successes compile to achieve the WHOLE goal!):

• I did two short workout videos yesterday (& my arms are now sore--VICTORY) and I did a treadmill walk this morning...maybe I can sneak a "goodnight" walk into my schedule 10 minutes before I go to bed!
• I ate soooo many veggies yesterday! I still have a VERY painful tooth so the thought of crunching veggies or consuming cold, juicy baby tomatoes is terrifying. BUT I did it....cucumber "sticks" YUM, sliced baby tomatoes in hummus, carrot chips---much easier to crunch.
• I drank water! After afternoon "rest time" (ha!), during dinner and during the Grey's Anatomy season finale. I love my water bottle. That makes drinking fun.

Facing today (well the rest of it):

• Limiting carbs (like unneeded crackers while my kids are snacking)
• Limiting extra dairy (sneaks of cheese slices)
• MORE veggies and MORE water

Okay, it is now 6:15am. I can no longer hold back the forces. Time to wakey-wake.

I hope you feel encouraged today too!


 

Sabbath Summer: OH NO! My phone is full!

"PRAISE THE LORD! My phone's memory is full!"

When I started this Sabbath Summer journey in May, those certainly were not words you would have heard coming out of my mouth but almost three months later I find it to be a joy that my phone's memory is full. And here is why:

Prior to this journey many people would often comment on how much I would post on social media and my craze for always having to capture the moment on camera. It's true. My husband, who is not on social media, would also frequently comment that everyone knows so much about our lives that it left little room for actually "catching up." I mean, why would you need to catch up if your whole life is on display for everyone to witness and in the front row at that! Convicted by this and the growing evil in the world, the momma bear came out in me. First and foremost I want to protect my children. Next, I wanted to cultivate deep, authentic relationships which would happen face-to-face instead of screen-to-screen.

I started by first deleting the offending phone app (I am sure you can all guess what that is). From there, I stopped posting all together for a period of time and made a pact to myself to only log-on when at an actual computer. It worked! Next, I decided to put my phone down. Instead of being known as the one who instantly returns text messages, I found that I would have 7, 8 or even 9 or more unread messages at the nights end. I saw this as a victory.

With my children, I also began to think about them as young grade schoolers. Did they give me permission to post their lives so publicly for the world to see? Is it an invasion of THEIR privacy in which I have spoken for them by making a decision that it was okay to be so open with so many strangers about THEIR lives? With the increase in child-trafficking, I want to leave little room for someone to go after my three precious littles when so much information is already easily available (and some of it from me!!). How scary!

Not to mention the vast amount pictures and videos I have accumulated. I create family "year" books and even at that there are SO many pictures I max out the page numbers AND picture limit every year. I found that I often remember the picture of an event before I remember the actual event. I would like this to change. This has been a hard one for me and a habit/mind-set that I have had for almost two decades. Yet, with a full phone memory, it helps me stay present and embrace the ordinary making is permanent in my mind rather than a picture.

I recently read an article about a teacher who posed the journal prompt, "I don't like cell phones because...." The results were sad, convicting and eye opening. Her grade school students made comments like, "I wish phones were never invented." "My parents care more about their phones than me." "Phones are more important than I will ever be." WOW! Is this the generation that we are creating? Are these the feelings we are making our children have by being a phone-obsessed generation? I want to choose different for my children. Tonight I asked my daughter this, "Does mommy spend too much or not even time on her phone?" In the same feeling as the children above, she said, "too much mommy." Even with a valiant attempt, I am still on or near my phone too much. I am so glad my 4-year, in her honesty, told me how she felt. It is a reminder of the greater thing in life--relationship. One day my daughter (and my sons for that matter!) will be grown, having her own friends, hopefully in college, and  working. She may be married. She might even move out of the state...so WHAT AM I DOING!?! Wasting theses precious moments in time tied to a "meaningless" device that brings great separation between me and those I love the most. Please, do not mishear me. I think phones are fantastic! I love snapping pictures, calling, connecting through messaging/FaceTime and even the ability to do a quick web-search. Brilliant...but when phones take the place of (or overshadow) important relationships and being present then this inanimate object has GOT to take the backseat.

Obviously, I still have a ways to go in this area (as convicting as my daughter's response was!). Yet today, victory! My phone's memory is full. If you asked those you love the same question, what would their response be?

Sabbath Summer: Stuff & Friendships: The Simple and the Conflict

Mostly everyone gets it...the desire to have a simple life, simple home, uncomplicated relationships. To have never-ending peace, tight-deep connections with a few intimate friends. A life that is above all honorable to God.

The efforts of this SS have forced me to explore this idea of simplicity in an even deeper, more meaningful and practical way. At first, it started with purging my overwhelmed schedule. Summer. Summer schedule would be filled with a few things: church on Sundays, Pray and Play group twice a month on Tuesdays and our annual family Bible focused trip to Canada. Everything else was put on hold, surrendered to God, in hopes that He would renew my mind on this quest of a life of Sabbath-- a life of remaining connected to Him, seeking Him for friendships, seeking Him for scheduling meetings and ultimately seeking Him to satisfy me.

I have learned in this process a few things about my friendships and my physical stuff.

First, my physical possessions. I (and we as a family) have too much! If you have journeyed with me over the years, you will know that I have been on this journey of simplicity of my stuff for over three years. At this point, it continues. My closet is slimmed down to about 35 hangers or less and about three medium sized drawers. My shoes can fit easily by the front door (minus my few dress shoes in which I store). I have created capsule-ish wardrobes for my children in which everything pretty much matches so no matter what they pick out it matches. In the process I cut their amount of clothes in half (or more). It has also meant less laundry for me! Less picking up clothes. Less hanging clean clothes up. My hall closest is hardly overflowing now and you can actually see the back panel of our main bookshelf in our living room. Most days, I observe our life and see what toys the kids do not play with, what books they ever go to and the objects I never touch (for example, as I get ready to go out or as I cook in the kitchen). These unused items go up into the attic for an end of the week drop off. It feels good to have less. The less stuff I have, the less I have to manage, wash, organize, or trip over. Simplicity. It will always be a battle and there will always be areas to re-address but it feels great to open up the "junk" drawer and find only what I need without shifting through needless items or to jump in the shower and LOVE every product (just four of them) I use. It brings me a little peace and joy (even when the kids are banging on the door to ask me a question while I quickly scrub my hair). I want this life of peace, created by God, to be present. Eliminating my stuff has truly shown me the abundant life I have in Christ. It has shown me how much waste I create. How much I did not truly appreciate what I had and how much my physical stuff weighed me down emotionally--always on my mind--always thinking about what needed to be cleaned, picked up or organized. It has allowed our children to become more responsible for their things, caring for them, playing with them and then putting them away where they belong. It has given me a deep sense of freedom of not being attached to my things and being more connected to God and the relationships He has given me.

So, this leads into what God has been teaching me about relationships. I desire these close, intimate friendships. Those individuals I can live life with on a weekly, if not daily basis. To have lives and families intertwined. To have real, meaningful conversations about things of the Lord, struggles, victories and prayers. To have someone reach out to me instead of feeling it is most often the reverse. I was deeply pained by these things early this year, longing for such a friends so badly that I began to judge those that God had put into my life. So, at the start of SS I surrendered all relationships to the Lord. Asking Him to heal me, to show me my wrongs, my errors, seeking true healing. Then God...

Then God turned the question back on to me: Am I a good friend?

This has been a painful reflection for me and one that I still am processing. In the area of friendship, God showed me that I was striving too hard to have this ideal of close friends, in ways trying to force friendships that were not mutually beneficial.  God showed me that I placed too high of expectations on my friends, revealing to me that I desired my friends to satisfy me, not God. How wrong of me. As a result, my mind shifted to negativity. Focusing on the "bads" or the "they are nots" of these relationships rather than focusing on all that God had blessed me with within these relationships.

Friends: please forgive me!

God showed me that I didn't listen enough, that I was unwilling to be flexible. In many ways I made things more difficult than they needed to be by "sticking my ground," being almost unmovable and stubborn. Somewhere in the past year, I have stopped serving my friends and expected to be served, not remembering details or take the effort to follow up. Perhaps it was moving from the season of Oliver to moving into the season of healing from the year's events. I am not sure but somewhere along the way my mind and heart shifted. I tried to be friends with too many people. My intentions got the best of me.

I reflect on Jesus and His friendships. He indeed had His 12, yet He sought to serve them. He did not expect them to serve Him. He looked at their interests before His own. He shared His struggles and pains yet He took those pains to God and did not directly put that burden on His 12 (although He did invite them into to those times). He accepted that each of the 12 had their own lives and own worries. He was willing to allow them to live their lives and to listen to them before He shared His worries. He understood that His friends might not always be there for Him, yet God would. There is more I can say about this (and more that God has revealed...and I am not sure if I am even articulating it well) yet here it is: shouldn't I be more like Jesus? Shouldn't His example of friendship reflect my attitude towards friendships?

So 'The Question' of most of these SS findings: now that this has been revealed, what do I do with it?

1. Seek forgiveness through confession
2. Pray: Pray that God will show me those HE desires me to reach out to instead of trying to be all things to all people. Seeking God's motivation for connecting with (or not connecting) with people in my life.
3. Serve: Put others first. Stop focusing on myself, my hard life, our challenges and start serving as the Holy Spirit reveals. Being willing to be inconvenienced in doing so (regardless if it is hard or not).
4. Be Authentic: share my needs but don't dwell on them.
5. Surrender: remembering that my life is not my own, therefore I need to daily surrender in all areas and in this Christ will be my peace, my companion, my satisfaction. He will fill me up.
6. Reflect: continue to seek God in every decision: purchase, appointment, rendezvous.

 So simple in theory, right? I pray God will continue to transform me. I know that He gives me the desires of my heart and in doing so He is faithful in fulfilling those desires. So, Jesus, I leave my heart with you. I leave my desire for these deep friendships with you. I surrender.

Sabbath Summer: Missing the Mark

Almost 4 years ago I birthed my first child. Of course a lot of things changed once she was born but on some level I felt as though I could still carry on as usual (well, at least after healing from my 51-hour labor which ended in a c-section!). For the first few months she was content snuggled into her car carrier or in the baby carrier next to my skin as I taught online or volunteered at the church or in the community. My level of service and involvement pretty much stayed the same.

Just 8-months after her birth, my second child was conceived. With some big scares in the first trimester, I was told to "take it easy." Well, for me, easier said then done. The remaining two trimesters were great and our first son was born exactly on his due date and as exactly as planned (wow! when does that ever happen!?!). Our family of four took some time to adjust but when our son turned 5-months old we found our stride and were "back in the game" so to speak.

Well, SURPRISE, just a few months later we found out we were having baby #3. Our kids would be 16 and 16 months apart. When we found out this news we really had to put up some boundaries. Through prayer we asked God what ministries we should put on hold and which we should remain involved with. At first is was hard to allow God to shift our desires but He did. He made it abundantly clear. We had become less busy "doing" and were in the process of learning how to "be."

Seven and a half months after we found out we were pregnant, our son was born. Yup, almost 2 months early. If you have read my previous blogs, you will know what a difficult year this has been. Well, that brings us to current.

After sitting through church service on Sunday (by the way, we has a WONDERFUL guest pastor!), God showed me some "icky" things about myself. Of course, it came during our "Sabbath Summer," just another area God is working on my heart. Here it is:

I have been missing committed service to others since having children. Some where along the way, over the last four years, my thinking shifted from serving to desiring (almost expecting) to be served especially with the challenges of our sweet baby #3 this past year. Did I really think that people "owed" us because of our son's near death experience? Did I take to the victim mentality all too quickly, expecting people to carry my burden? When did I stop engaging with others--walking life with them instead of just focusing on the hardships of my own life? (Or maybe I am just being too hard on myself?)

I missed the mark. When my focus shifted, my view on community shifted. My view on friendship shifted. "My view" became my family (rightfully so in some cases) but at the neglect of serving, knowing and loving others. This is a painful reality to accept, causing me to think of the permanent damage I may have caused in some of these relationships due to selfishness and neglect. Shame on me! It was me who pushed so many away. It was me not being grateful. It was me expecting too much from those around me.

The question that seems to always come up with the "SS" lessons: where do I go from here?

God has been faithful in showing me opportunities to dive back in to people's lives,  re-engage in service and to begin living life together again. Coming out of a very difficult season, this has taken me so much focus and intentionality. Who do I make time for? How do I clear my schedule? How do I care for the needs of others and the needs of my family? How can I learn to shift from negativity to gratitude? These are areas I am trusting the Lord will continue to work. Will you accept my apology? Will you give me grace as I work on these things? I really do desire deep, authentic relationships. It all starts with transparency and the willingness to serve. In the words of the Bible,

"For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many." Matthew 20:28

So, shouldn't I try to do the same?

Purposed for Motherhood

That was not me......never was it my dream or goal, yet it happened....God made it happen. He changed my heart.

From a young age, many girls play "imaginary" cradling her dolls, lovingly changing pretend diapers and dressing baby up for the day. Softly brushing baby's hair and repeatedly putting baby nite-nite. Baby doll in hand, the little mother-figure takes baby shopping while of course making sure baby is secure in the cart.

That was not me....

I could be found (NO JOKE) lining up my dolls, hand on hip, hunched forward, pointer finger out....yell at my dolls.  Don't get me wrong, I did have tender moments with my dollies but they were few and far between. When I came into the "Barbie-stage" things changed and I no longer yelled at my dolls. Instead I played teacher and real estate agent with them, cruising Barbie & Ken around in their magenta Barbie Corvette.

Decades later, I was married. God gifted me with the man of my dreams. He wanted about a million children right after we were married....I was not so sure...

That was not me...

In church on Sunday our Pastor was preaching on John the Baptist, stating that he KNEW his purpose...to prepare the way for the Lord Jesus. As I reflected on his purpose, I struggled with mine. What is my purpose? Am I helping prepare the way for Lord Jesus to be seen and experienced by those in my life?

Over four years, my husband and I struggled with the conversation about having children. Many tears, arguments, sleepless night, chats with our mentors and friends...no resolve. I embraced the "that is not me" attitude and resisted assuming the role as mother. In that fourth year of marriage, God began working on my heart. All of the fears I had about being a mother were selfish, self-centered, focused on my ability to perform and fulfill the "PTA-always perfect-top cookie Mom-always prepared-always have it together" mom stereotype the world had projected on me.

I was finally at a point to start trying for a family...hesitantly starting the very delicate conversation with my husband. I was still struggling with the "that is not me" attitude but I began to open my heart up to the Lord....one month later....GUESS WHAT!?!?! I was pregnant.

To be honest, I struggles with the positive pregnancy test results. I looked in disbelief at the two  little pink lines...God had purposed me for motherhood (yet I was still unsure). Nine-months later, I had my sweet little daughter in my arms, overcoming the fears that I had about not being a good-enough mother.

Eight-months later, I was pregnant with our second, after God's prompting and direction to start trying for a second baby (which, just like the first, look only a month).

As of now, my daughter is just shy of her 2-year birthday and my son is 6-months young. The past two years have certainly been a struggle, trying to embrace my new identity and role; being responsible for teaching my young how to follow Jesus in such a crooked world; balancing motherhood, marriage, full-time work and church involvement. 

It is a tough job yet someone I find it so rewarding...
                   WOW...did I just say...."REWARDING?!?!"

I never thought I would find pleasure in teaching my almost 2-year old the alphabet, numbers, bible verses; teaching her to say please and thank-you; showing her how to put a puzzle together and then a day later (without help) seeing her put the same puzzle together. With my son, seeing him learn to reach for objects, crawl backwards and start "talking." I have even began to consider (please note: CONSIDER) homeschooling....another WOW, considering I told my husband, 'ABSOLUTELY NOT!" about three years ago.

Through the sermon on Sunday, God revealed his purpose for me: I am purposed for Motherhood. It is sometimes hard to embrace fully, to fully understand...does this mean I should have more kids? adopt? pour into the kids I have? pour into other kids? ..... I am still seeking answers from the Lord on these questions, but it is amazing that God so clearly changed my heart from 4-years ago, my "that is not me attitude" to entertaining the idea of having a third child (and even homeschooling).

God is amazing how He works. He brings us close to Him when we surrender our will in exchange for His will to rule in our hearts. It might be a process, but allow Him to do it!

So I leave you with this..... what is your "that is not me" attitude that needs to be surrender to the Lord? 

You just never know what He has purposed for you...

Convictions from a Lazy Heart

Hello Dear Ones-

It truly has been a long while since I have posted. My confession: my lazy heart.

In September, I committed to join and study the Book of Genesis with a Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) group. I did great.....until week nine came around. Yikes!

The typical things got in the way and the common phrase, "I am really busy" became my excuse. Yes, I was busy, but to my dismay, my busyness lead me to push out God.

So, now that I am on "break" from my job until January, I thought I would catch up on the 4 lessons I have missed, starting at Genesis chapter 10--- the Tower of Babel.

As I began to read the BSF notes on chapters 10 and 11, I felt a sadness in my heart for the people who deliberately chose to forsake God for their own selfish ambitions. They desired to be known and worshiped among their peers. They wanted the power and recognition  They wanted to be in control. They worked long and hard to build this beautiful and tall tower....for their own selfish confidence.

To be honest, I was appalled at their decision to chose selfish gain and selfish confidence over God. And then.......God showed me that I have been very much like these people that I loathed.

God revealed to me my personal expressions of pride, situations where I have called attention to myself (and away from God), and moments where I purposely chose to honor my own heart instead of God's heart.

How can we humans fall into the same repetitive traps (and so quickly?!?!)? How do our hearts become so lazy yet pride full?

The BSF lesson notes asked some very pointed questions:

• How have you taken satisfaction in other people's support more than in God's closeness?
• What are you doing right now that might really be for your own advancement and not for God?
• Where have you deliberately chosen NOT to exalt God's name or His Word?

These are all good questions to ask no matter where you are in your relationship with God. I know that my lazy heart has caused WAY more harm then good! Are you aware of the areas in your life that you tend to put off because of laziness, pride, selfishness, etc.?

God calls us to present ourselves to Him FULLY! I am more convicted of this then ever especially as we enter this special season of Christmas when God purposely sent His Son to live on this earth among the lazy-hearted.

The best gift that you can give this Christmas is a clean, pure heart with obedience, trust and faith. Jesus is waiting to receive this from each of us......

~B~