Maybe I Stopped Caring

...or maybe I am just too overwhelmed to notice.

Nothing in this year has gone as we had planned. We found out we were pregnant, lost a loved one, our basement flooded (TWICE!), discovered medical complications with my pregnancy which lead to a very stressful delivery followed by 28 days in the NICU. We are facing some other difficult, emotional circumstances on top of this as well. Life is not easy.

I find myself numb some days, going through the motions while trying to manage three very reliant children (of course all needing everything from me at the same time). Moments of rest are few and far between. When I do get rest, I worry that my youngest, only 5 weeks old, will stop breathing...which he does on occasion.  We are on high alert all of the time. This, of course, does not help with my "healing" c-section site.

We feel exhausted and isolated, trying to do what we can to reach out but understanding that everyone has their own woes to deal with. It is tough.

I am thankful these three children have made me a mother. They challenge my patience and reliance on God more than any other person has. When I grow weary, I know that God gives the extra strength. When I go through the motions (or fall asleep while bottle feeding our son), God is there to protect, guide, lead, be my beacon of strength.

I find that the simplest daily activities can cause me to be overwhelmed...the dish, laundry, bathing our children. Still facing physically limitation, this does not help. Our sweet youngest refuses to nurse. This causes me to spend at least 2-4 hours a day sitting at my breast pump, doing an enormous amount of "pump" dishes on top of the time is actually takes to bottle feed him (at least 30 min - 1 hour per feeding). Add in diaper changes on top of the needs to two others at 2 1/2 and 16 months, it can get pretty rough.

So all this to say...I continue to try to adopt the saying "it is what it is." My life circumstances may not change any time soon so I need to change my outlook on my circumstances. I may not get a solid night sleep any time soon but I need to take advantage of those sweet moments of rest (what I am doing writing this right now?!?). My son may never breastfed. My other two kids will fight with each other. The dishes will pile up as will the laundry... Embrace it. This is life. This is reality...three precious darlings that I love so much and a husband who is fighting the fight with me.

Even though it might feel like I have stopped caring, the real truth is: I care too much.