Okay, I am not going to lie.
Being a NICU mom sucks! After being in the hospital all day, I walked out to a beautiful spring day...I missed it.
In the confines of the hospital walls I interacted with other not-so-nice NICU moms, a son who decided to turn blue and almost stop breathing 3x today and a barrage of hospital personnel entering our room at what felt like 45 minute intervals.
I am exhausted.
In stark contrast, I came home to a sweet 15/mo son and little girl eagerly awaiting her momma's arrival and who insisted, "stay there momma...I'm coming to get you." This was followed by a huge hug, smile and lots of laughs. We enjoyed a wonderfully prepared meal by our friends and then a family dance party to Celtic and Hip-Hip Christian music (what a combo, I know).
Although most of the moments of my day are tough, taxing, overwhelming...there is always sunshine (mostly figuratively speaking given the spring rainy season we are in). All three of my kids bring me joy in different ways.
My oldest loves to read, cuddle, and take me by the hand to lead me to her next adventure. My second child loves to smile, clap his hands together and follow me around the house. When our youngest looks me in the eyes, I just melt.
Today was certainly better than yesterday, emotionally speaking, but it was still a long tough day. I feel like I sit around and wait in the hospital for my youngest son's feeding times (9, 12, 3, 6) ...this is followed by kicks, screams, attempts at breastfeeding, some frustration and poopy diapers..with little success of actually accomplishing the primary goal of a full nursing session. Yes, it is a process. Yes, if I look objectively there are small advances in the area of nursing....but THEN physical therapy shows up, pointing out yet more things that we need to work on.
Again, it is overwhelming the amount of tiny little things that I need to remember and "work" on. How can I possibly 1) remember them all and 2) implement then all at the same time!??!
I know the job of each of these hospital persons is to help us and our sweet youngest, but where is the encouragement? Am I doing anything right? It gets frustrating having professionals looking down over you or directly taking your baby from your arms or the constant "no, try it this way...no, do this instead....no, that won't work that way."
Being a NICU mom sucks. There is no way around it.
My day is schedule around pumping, attempts at breastfeeding and keeping track of medical appointments/paperwork that still needs to be turned in or completed. How can I possibly find time for anything else?! It is all consuming. Even though my baby is not home yet, I still have to wake 1-3x per night to pump. I still have to "take it easy" to heal from my c-section just 19 days ago. I still have to grow my relationship with my husband and two other kids.
All I really want to do is get my hair colored. I want to soak in a clean bathtub. I want to be healed from my c-section pain so that I can pick up my kids, walk them to the park or play hard with them in the backyard.
I want my old "normal" life back in which I had the energy to keep up our household, plan gatherings for our friends or simply have a few moments of not feeling torn between two places...having my family separated.
We hope to have our sweetie boy will be home in a few weeks from now if things keep going the way they are. Then I will no longer be a NICU mom, but then I will be a mother with three kids trying to survive while trying not to favor the preemie because he just "seems more delicate and needs more attention."
It will be a hard transition to say the least but at least there is hope that I will not be a NICU mom forever. We are excited about the homecoming of our youngest when the time is right.
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