Growing a boy: It is just beginning

Well, sweet Ollie boy has made it to 16-days of life. In that short (but looooong 16 days) we have said goodbye to him at least 2 or three times, witness answered prayers, and have experienced the love of a community we never realized we had. We have been humbled, asking and accepting help for everyday, normal tasks that just seemed too overwhelming to deal with like buying milk or bananas at the grocery store.  It has been a roller coaster of emotions as we sorted through the many challenges this little boy has brought us. It certainly has brought my husband and I closer and has taught us about the fragility of life.

Now that our youngest is in a NICU closer to home, it feels like we are missing out on his life even more. He is more alert now (making is so difficult to leave him at the hospital when he is starring straight at me or crying!). It heightens the stress of trying to teach him how to nurse (one of the skills he has to learn before coming home). It makes the reality of his homecoming so present.

Then I think..what then?!?!

Up to this point we have been so blessed with support such as dinners, lawn mows, etc. but what will happen when he comes home? I am terrified that he will stop breathing (something I witnessed today...his little preemie face turning blue and his heart rate dipping to 65 bpm). I am terrified of not being able to keep up with our laundry and cooking meals for 4 people on top of nursing. I am terrified for the adjustment our two oldest will have to make...having mommy's attention divided. I am terrified to see all the medical bills start to come in not only for Ollie but for my 1-week hospital stay & operation.

This is just the beginning.

Yes, we have been through a lot starting 1-week before his delivery but really, it is just the beginning. Being born 7-weeks early and having a portion of a lung removed on top of chest tubes, x-rays, pricks and pokes, it is no doubt that he will be a fighter. However, we have to watch for developmental delays (especially since he did not receive oxygen for almost 7 minutes after birth). There is no clear understanding about what the large tumor-like mass, removed from his tiny body, is and the long-term care plan to ensure it does not come back or does not cause any problems as he grows.

So what is my point in writing all of this? First I am exhausted. It has been an emotional day, transferring our son to a NICU closer to home (and riding in the ambulance). And secondly, to be honest, I really don't know. Maybe just to express my fears for the future and our ongoing need for love and encouragement in real and practical ways. We are a divided family of 5 with three children who need very different things. We are strong in our faith yet exhausted from balancing all that life has given us. We cannot effectively meet everyone's needs all the time...our sweet oldest does not quiet understand this.

So, will all that being said: We are beyond grateful and beyond appreciate for all of the love, prayers, and encouragements we have received. I know that this is just the beginning.