The Bible says that even a small mustard seed of faith can move mountains (Matt 17:20). The Bible says that if we ask anything in His name, He will give it according to His will (Matt 21:22).
I must say, I lack faith.
In a recent pending diagnosis for one of my children, I lack faith. A diagnosis that seems so permanent, disruptive and hard, I am failing to see how God might redeem this. I find it difficult to pray for healing. I find it difficult because when I think about it, it brings me back to the traumatic events of his birth. It conjures up the emotional pain of the first two months of his life that was followed by a difficult 2 years of life. Praying reminds me of his daily struggle and how I see him acting differently than a "normal" preschooler.
How do I get past this? No, really, how!? Any ideas?!
I am fighting for faith yet it feels like an uphill battle. Possibly because we do not yet have answers. Possibly because I can't control this diagnosis. Possibly because I have run out of tools in my mothering-toolbox.
I want to run away, scream, drink a lot of coffee, shop...but I need to fight this battle on my knees. I need to resist the temptations of this world that would call me to anything other that Jesus. Because my head tells me that this battle will ONLY be won in Him. (I just need my heart to follow).
So, for just this moment (and the next and the next), I will TRY to surrender, open my palms and offer my 1/2 mustard seed of faith. I will TRY to figuratively lay my son at the alter of the Most High and allow Him to work, heal, restore. I will TRY to focus on what God has already done. I will TRY to focus on my son, just how he is! He is not a diagnosis. He is not. He is not a label. He is not! He is a different kind of beautiful...just like we all are.
Please pray for my faith, my husband's faith. Pray for acceptance, answers, tools and PEACE. Pray that we can look beyond what is and see HIM working....because all we need is a mustard seed of faith.
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