Growing a boy: It is finished

It has come. The end of a season. It has been a laborious six months. Something consuming my life for up to three hours a day… Having to sneak away 8 to 12 times per day no matter where I was or what I was doing. It required me to plan ahead, pack and prepare for any given situation...batteries, ice packs, cover, extra bottles, sanitation wipes. This was my life.

It has been challenging to come to a resolution about exclusively pumping for my preemie son. It has been more emotional than I ever thought… Deciding when to stop providing nourishment  for my baby, my last born.  In the past month, I have slowly let my milk supply dry up. At first it was a complete relief to not be tied to my breast pump 24 hours a day while managing life… My three babies, household, and full-time work among other things.  As I would reduce the number of pumping sessions, I would wonder how in the world I pumped so many times throughout the day while keeping all of my kids happy and safe.  I am not going to lie, it was a tough routine to develop at first. But somehow we all managed and I was able to successfully pump breastmilk for my son.

In many ways I felt guilty for wanting to stop pumping. I actually started the process mid August and realized I had so much guilt over it that I just couldn't continue. I quickly picked up my former pumping schedule and decided to pump until he was six months old. Another difficult and emotional part of this decision includes the fact that my son cannot tolerate dairy protein.  Having stopped dairy in my own diet mid May, I have a plethora of breastmilk that he currently cannot consume because of his severe reaction to this protein. In some ways I feel like my pumping was all in vain.  I have a chest deep freezer full of breastmilk but I am praying one day he will be able to consume it. (Join me in prayer?). We have had to introduce formula in the last few weeks to supplement since I currently do not have enough dairy protein free  milk available for  him....at the cost of $40 per can.

 Our feeding routine has now become a scientific concoction… Mixing breastmilk with rice cereal and then mixing formula separate to ensure consistency. Then the final step is mixing the two together so that it is an equal and complete blend. I started making almost a days worth of milk at one time  which has greatly saves time and the stress of not getting that mixture just right.

In all of these emotional struggles, my desire is to find joy and to give thanks. I am grateful for our son. I am grateful for all of the medical professionals who have encouraged us these past six months, giving us wisdom, guidance, and a stack full of literature to read. I would not say our life is easy by any means, but whose life really is? We are all given struggles and emotional challenges in which will either draw us closer to the Lord or drastically push us away from him. I choose to draw closer to him, embracing all of this that the season holds. I am grateful for the gift of life

I know one day I will look back on these times fondly. Thankful that we were able to provide for our son and our family in so many ways that others cannot. I am blessed to hold my son because of his reflux screaming fits. I am blessed to have stairs to run up to so that I can hold him in his room.  I am blessed! No matter how long the days are or how little sleep I get each night, I. Am. Blessed.