Unborn: The fight for my child

Just started bleeding yesterday pretty heavily. At our appointment yesterday morning, we couldn't hear the heartbeat but saw baby move on the ultrasound & saw the heartbeat. A formal ultrasound was ordered & the only appointment was at Good Sam in Puyallup. The ultrasound confirmed  complete placenta previa which is what I had with Annabelle, but this time it is way more severe. So, I have to be on pelvic rest which includes limited to no lifting (esp. with Annabelle), only very very light walking, no exercise/yoga/etc., resting as much as I can (not bed rest, but lots of rest). I'm waiting to hear back about our trip to Maui. With complete Previa it is 99.9% likely I will have a c-section & a higher risk of having to deliver at 37-38 weeks or earlier depends on how things develop & if the baby makes it. Talked to my doctor again today & she said I have a blood clot/bleeding by/near the placenta. She is still concerned. The prayer is that it would absorb & not cause bleeding, pulling away of the placenta or worst case, hemorrhaging. If I was further along I would be in the hospital, full bed rest & steroids to help the baby's lungs develop for an early c-section. At this point, it is 100% up to the Lord what happens. I'm fighting for our sweet Little Foot by praying, resting & not lifting/house work. Will you please join me in this battle? I know victory belongs to Jesus & I just claim LIFE over our sweet 12-week Little Foot. Honestly, it could go either way. I'm praying I get to snuggle my second BORN child.

This too shall pass...all to quickly

A thousand prayer were answered when I held me sweet little girl in my arms for the very first time. My heart opened up in ways I never imagined possible. My whole life changed and continues to change as she grows into a beautiful little girl.

Although she is only 7 months old, there were many days and nights and moments I surely took for granted. Those moments of cuddling in the morning before the sleep was out of her eyes. The tender, intimacy of being able to feed her at my breast. The joy of seeing many of her "firsts" during the first few months of her time here on earth. Watching her play with her first tooth by moving her tongue back and forth over it.

What a privilege and honor to be part of all these moments.

There were other moments not so amazing: crying throughout the night, being spit-up on constantly during the day, not having a clue as to what to do with this little human. Is she getting enough sleep? Is she eating enough? Is her schedule working? When do I feed her "real" food? And on and on.

At times I wished those hard, complicated moments away, desiring peace, calmness and a knowledge of how to be a better mom to this little girl I was entrusted with. I would ask for prayer (especially for those sleepless nights). I would complain. I sighed. I secretly wished to escape.

Many who have gone before me assured me that "This too shall pass."

I hung onto those words like a life-raft. I desperately needed relief...I waited for it. Looked for it. Hoped it would come so that I could move on to the next thing...the next BETTER thing. "This too shall pass."

I woke up this morning at 1 AM to the cries of my daughter to realize that is has been weeks since this has happened. Then is dawned on me as I laid there waiting for my daughter to soother herself back to sleep.....all those moments I wanted to pass have passed...and now they are gone. Forever. Regret slowly washed over me and I prayed to the Lord for forgiveness. Why did I wish those complicated moments away? Why was I so eager to move on?

My daughter will never go through those exact struggles again. She will never need me in the exact same way she did when she was an infant. Those moments I wished would pass, passed all to quickly. This reminded me of how fragile life is; the short amount of time we have here on earth; the importance of the good and difficult times; the need to live in the moment rather than wishing it away.

I pray you will be encouraged to live life in the moments that are give because, as I have learned, these moments too shall pass...and all too quickly.

Sneaking Time: Date Night (or day)

Intentionality. 

 One word I need to put back into my marriage.

It is so easy to focus on all the things left to be done, the exhaustion, and the lack of alone time (where NO ONE needs ANYTHING from me). Not to say that I have the "hang" of our new life as parents, but after 6-months of having our little one here on this earth, I now need to turn some focus back on my marriage and not put so much thought into all of the un-done things or things that in the life-long scheme of life don't really matter.

One way to do this is to be more intention and creative about my time together with my husband. 

Recently, I have discovered we have "default" dates like sitting in front of the TV to watch a movie. Or (with our crazy schedules) staring at each other blankly from across the kitchen realizing that it is actually Friday, date night, and we have nothing planned.

Don't get me wrong, at home dinnering and movie-ing surely have there place (and are easy to do with a baby after an exhausting week). I also realize that every date does not need to be epicly, creative. But I do desire to spark different conversation, deeper laughter, and greater joy than we already have. 

So, when I couldn't sleep last night, I made a list of some date ideas I want to try and/or repeat. Some are easily done with baby (or at home after baby is asleep). Some would be nice if we had a babysitter. Others require a babysitter. I have omitted a few because the hubs does read my blog and I don't want to spoil the surprise. :)

I also want to hear from you!! So please comment on any creative, fun date ideas you have (with or without baby)!! Enjoy!

• Pierce College Planetarium (I didn't even know this existed!!)
• Brown's Point Lighthouse
• TCC's Art Gallery
• Basketball at the local school
• Indoor Camping
• YouTube: Paint or Dance lessons
• Rock Climbing!!
• Farmer's Market
• Plan a color themed meal together
• Bocce Ball
• Eat in front of the fire
• Kite & Picnic Date (pick-up lunch on the way to the park)
• And a million other ideas off this website: www.soundsfunmom.com

 

What are your date ideas?!?!

Expectation: Improvisation

There is little, if anything, in this life that I can control...no matter how hard I try.

I try to control my schedule, food in-take, finances, job status, lifestyle, relationship, household cleaning schedule. (I am sure you can think of a more comprehensive list, but you get the idea.) In some areas and on some days, I feel like I have mastered each one, mounting to a 'perfect' day.

I have a tendency to set-up these controls, fully attached with high expectations, in my mind (usually not communicating them with those around me). I get so determined to see these expectations through (even at a high price--of time, relationship, etc.) but in reality one of those great life lessons I am learning right now is the power and freedom of improvisation.

Unspoken expectations always equals bad news.

unspoken expectations + controlling behavior = bad news

Those around me suffer; and I drive myself crazy with anxiety. What really gets accomplished is regret, stress, and forsaking the 'imperfect' but beautiful moments life gives us when things DON'T go the way we planned them.

I am slowly learning the art of letting go 

and embracing the art of improvisation.

I had a moment to practice this yesterday, on Valentine's day.


About a week ago I injured my right knee. BOO! Okay, who really plans for their whole life to be derailed by such a seemingly minor thing, right? (Yet one more thing I cannot control!). I have been hobbling around, wearing an ace bandage while icing and elevating when I can. Talk about a major inconvienance! Also, I am unable to participate in my weekly exercise class which I have come to dearly love even after just a few weeks of attending. How in the WORLD will I meet my weight goal by next weekend if I am unable to exercise?!?! (I'm participating in a 6-week challenge and we are in our last week).

Improvisation....

My daughter just had her 6-month vaccines and flu shot. This has caused a slight temperature, runny nose and overall "ickiness." She is grumpy, crabby, and sleepy. On top of that with the introduction of solid foods last month, her body is still trying to figure out how to process food. Last month we had wicked blow outs. This month.....um, let's get say there is not really any action going on. Of course, this happens on the same days as her shots. Another BOO! She has been up crying in pain and I feel like a horrible mother (not the truth, I know, but I still feel like a horrible mother...if you are a mom, I know you can relate). So, how do I survive this mentally while comforting my hurt baby....?

Improvisation....

Valentines Day!! Since our dating years, the hubs and I have always bypassed the chocolates, flowers, and fancy dinners and opt for snowshoeing instead. This year was no different. We planned to go with two other couples who also have babies. We were SO excited to share our tradition with them and enjoy God's beautiful creation. As you might guess, this did not happen. :( Baby was up almost ALL night in pain (and the elevation would not help her poo-poo problems); and I have been limping around like crazy (needless to say, snowshoeing would not be the best for my healing process). We were all going to meet at our house for our epic V-Day adventure but the morning of we had to make other plans...

Improvisation....

Our friends were SUPER gracious and understanding. One couple decided to create their own adventure by finding a local hike and the other couple came over for an impromptu V-Day breakfast (bacon, eggs, Swedish pancakes, hash-browns and mimosas!!).  I was able to throw together a beautifully decorated table while my love went to the store for ingredients. It was a great morning of fellowship and love between friends.

Our friends made us feel so loved and realized the power and freedom and love that can come from improvisation.

In the Bible, Jesus calls us to love one another, to carry each others burdens, to consider others before yourself. On this day, our friends not only displayed God's love toward us but made us feel cared for, heard, recognized, and understood. No one got mad, upset or angry. No one bad mouthed us for having to change plans. No one made a big deal about it....out of love and compassion we all improvised and were able to enjoy 'imperfect' but beautiful moments that life gave us when things DON'T go the way we have planned them. This was the BEST Valentine's gift!

A powerful message and one that I will probably need to keep learning as I move through this earthly life.

So, what have I learned? Here are a some thoughts that are worth pondering:

• Have a plan but be flexible.
• Remember: expectation vs. reality
• The world DOES NOT revolve around me and my unspoken expectations
• Improvisation can lead the imperfect but beautiful life moments
• Learn to consider others above myself, despite my expectations
• Love, grace and good communication are keys to maintaining a great relationship.

I pray you are blessed by these words and find ways to bring JOY into those improvised moments in your life...remembering they are not inconveniences, just ways to enact creativity!

Guilty Confessions of a Coffee Drinker & How It Relates to Jesus

It is Tuesday morning. So far the week is off to a great start. Baby is starting to sleep a little better which means I am sleeping a little better. My paid work is caught up. And my husband and I had a great weekend together before he started his crazy weekly schedule.

"I want to celebrate!"  I thought, "...Starbucks on the way to Tuesday morning bible study. Perfect!"

I was pumped!!!

Grabbing baby (and all associated gear) plus bible study materials, I headed out the door a few minutes early to make this celebratory stop.

Side Note: If you have been reading my previous blogs, you might remember the long blonde hair in my Starbucks drink last week? Upon leaving the drive-thru I called the store to inform them of my blonde-hair discovery. They said the next drink was on them.

I made my way to the same Starbucks and got in the drive-thru line...(the correct way! It only took me 3 years to figure out the unspoken rule of the 'correct' entrance point). So, on this particular Tuesday, on top of all of the other good things happening, I was going to get a free Starbucks drink (which I was thankful for because I had no money left on my Starbucks card!).

I decide to splurge a little and get a latte instead of an Americano (Watch out! Real party girl over here!!). I spoke my order into the drive-thru microphone and slowly rolled forward, patiently waiting for those ahead of me to collect their drinks. For some reason I was a little nervous about using my "recovery" drink. A weird thing to get nervous over, I know. You see, the manager just took down my name and nothing else.   ...would they know who I was? ...would they believe me? ..would they still honor it? I had all of these thoughts and more bouncing around in my head.

It was finally my turn. As I approached the pay-station, I roll down my driver's side window in anticipation of my piping hot non-fat latte. It took a minute to be recognized...the morning rush was in full swing. The barista approached the window, handed me the latte and said, "The person in front of you bought your drink."

***I was shocked***

"Wait. What?" My internal thought continues, "No, I was going to use my 'recovery' drink...I'm really confused AND blessed all at the same time."

I got so flustered and shocked, I simply said, "Wow! Okay. Thank you!" And then drove away. My mind was reeling. As I left the drive-thru line and approached the main road, turning right, the direction of church, I began to feel guilty.

Why did I feel so guilty about receiving a gift that someone gave me with no obligation and much generosity? I mean, I didn't have to accept the drink. Then. I began to feel bad about not digging though the change in the car to put towards the person's drink behind me or better yet, using my recovery drink. In the moment, these thoughts did not even cross my mind until I was halfway at church. I was overridden with guilt. 

I know that the person who purchased my drink wanted 

to bless me, not make me feel guilty. 

And then I remembered someone else who gave me a gift with no expectation and much generosity...

JESUS!

In this simple act of kindness from a stranger at Starbucks, Jesus reminded me that He gave up His life for me...not to bring guilt, not to force me to follow a million rules, not to sacrifice for others out of obligation, not to make me feel bad for accepting the sacrifice that He made for me on the cross.

He gave me this gift out of love, generosity, compassion. Jesus died to give me life! He made the greatest sacrifice. In return, he desires my response to be from a heart of the same love, generosity and compassion. He desires me to serve those around me not out of obligation but because it pleases Him. It is sometimes hard for me to understand this great Love, but even through a simple random act of someone purchasing me a Starbucks drink, I see the fingerprints of God; and remember that I am a temple of the Living God who desires to bless me abundantly.

"...I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." John 10:10

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..." Romans 8:1

"Every man shall give as he is able, according to the blessing of the LORD your God which He has given you." Deuteronomy 16:17

Just another (poopy) day at the office

Okay, lets face it...as parents we ALL have poop stories. Two weeks ago, I was "blessed" to have my very first one. AND of all places, at work. Let me explain.

*IF YOU WANT TO SKIP THE DETAILS, SCROLL DOWN* 

(CAUTION: DOES CONTAIN [not so graphic] ACTUAL POOP IMAGES).

The beginning of January my maternity leave ended. I was thrown into the world of both motherhood and academia. Most people think my *paid* job is easy. From the outside perspective, I can see why. Only two days a week am I physically obligated to go to the office: one day for office hours and another for teaching. The rest of the week I get to work from home. I have a wonderful schedule which affords me ample time with my growing little snugga-monk daughter while still doing what I love (teaching). It also allows me time to sorta keep up with the housework too.

Before I go any further, please let me dispel the myth: I am actually working two (TWO!!) full-time jobs...three if you count being a wife. ;) Although I do get to work from home most days, it is so hard to divide my time and fit my *paid* work in during nap time, distracted playtime (I love our cats!!) or once my Wee-Bit is down for the night. I am not complaining, please don't take it that way, but it is hard.

Added to this dynamic is childcare (you knew it was coming!!). As most new parents know, this transition is more difficult than expected for many reasons. For my family, it has been difficult because of my husband's varied schedule...

• Do we pay someone for a few days a week? 
• But what it my husband is home, what then? 
• What if the college is closed? Do we still want childcare?
• How will we find this person? 
• Will we be able to trust them? 
• Can I pump and store enough milk to be away that long?

...as you can tell, the questions are endless. So, we decided to piece childcare together for the first month and make something work.

 (*THIS IS WHERE THE REAL POOP STORY BEGINS*)

Childcare arrangements changed on this particular "office hour day" which meant, no childcare!!

"Well, I might as well just show her off then," I thought, dressing my daughter in the cutest dress and putting piggy-tails in her hair. Soon, we were traveling the 30-minutes to work. The office staff had been wanting to meet her anyway; and I did not have any appointments on the calendar so of all days, it was a perfect unplanned "Take Your Daughter to Work Day."

As I was driving the interstate, I caught a whiff of a smell stinkier than the "Aroma of Tacoma." As foul as it was, I didn't think much of it. My daughter had been passing bad gas for over a week, so I just figured that was what is was.

Side Note: Just three weeks prior, on New Year's Day, we started feeding Baby solid foods. Her digestive system was still trying to figure out what to do with this new introduction.

I pulled into the staff parking lot, grabbed the stroller out of the trunk, and transported baby (still in car seat) from the car to the stroller. As I walked up to the office, I remember feeling weird about having my personal/family life encounter my professional life. Anyway, I strolled into the office (still smelling the stink), and the office staff leapt up to see the tiny human I brought with me. Oh, they were SO excited to cuddle her!! They immediately wanted to hold her.

BUT something in my mommy superpowers told me to go back to my office and "get settled" before passing baby around.

AM I EVERY GLAD TO HAVE LISTENED TO THAT VOICE!!!

I pushed the stroller down the hall, fumbled to find my office key in the midst of the diaper bag, my lunchbox and teaching materials. Entering my office, I set-up a make-shift changing table on my desk setting out the wipes from the diaper bag and the changing pad we received at a baby shower. I was all set.

As I began to unstrap baby, I realized that there was something vastly different from the way I had placed her in the car seat 40 minutes ago. I laid her down on the changing pad, lifted her dress to begin the diaper change process and... I experienced the "Aroma of Tacoma" x100 and a Mount Saint Helen's eruption all at the same time. WOW! I never knew poop could stink so bad and explode so many places.

Shocked, I grabbed the box of tissues on my desk, the green plastic diaper-disposal bags, and the wet wipes. I think I used about 1/2 the tissue box and most of the wet wipes to clean this giggling little girl. If I was at home, I would have just bathed her!! (I was sad that this was not an option).

The adorable dress, kick-pants, and tights were all soiled...poo up the back, coming over the sides, tucked in her leg folds, and on the tummy. It was so impressive, I wasn't even mad. I did my best to clean her up and put the "evidence" in two black-plastic garbage bags to disguise the smell. Co-workers slowly walked passed my office to see what the commotion was all about. It was embarrassing to say the least. Not to mention the poop smell that wafted down the hall and filled my office. :(

Once the poop was clean, I had to change her outfit. I dug through the diaper bag to find the back-up outfit that I had so carefully picked out about 2 months ago....2 MONTHS AGO. You guessed it...it was too small. The onesie could barely snap...but at least it was cute. The pants kinda of fit around her waist but stopped just a little below her knees...why not wear capris in the middle of winter?! EPIC FAIL!

I think it took at least 20-mintues to get her all cleaned, changed, and the put all the cleaning supplies away. (Well, so much for utilizing my office hours for actual work!!). Once I had her all cleaned up, I took her to the front of the office. I was thankful that one of the office gals took her from me for a little over 20-30 minutes and gave her a tour of the whole office (upstairs and down).

So although it was a huge stinky mess, and occurred at my place of employment, I now consider myself fully initiated into motherhood! If you are a parents, I know that you can totally relate!

THE TAME version of Mt. St. Helen's Eruption










The too small clothes from the diaper bag. 

A Mother Will Do Anything....

It is Friday morning. Most people (without kids) might be excited that the week is finally over. For me, the weekends just run together separated from nothing but the drudge of the same routine. On this particular Friday, I was exhausted (to say the least)!! Baby girl was up every 30-60 minutes during the night (and of course, this happened on a night my husband was working a 24+ hour shift). Of course!

I debated whether or not I should go to my baby-friendly exercise class (Stroller Strides) but decided that since I was already up I might as well make the most of it. So, I put on my "Friday-Best" face, changed into my workout clothes, packed up baby, and headed toward the gym in the DUMPING rain. (I'm thankful I even made it there through my foggy-sleep deprived brain!)

Once I arrived, I was greeted by the familiar, supportive faces. Even with a fussy, overly sleepy baby class was great. Not to say that it was the best workout, but it was good to get out of the house and interact with others who really didn't need (or want) anything from me...for a WHOLE HOUR!! It was great! 

During class, I was hoping baby would fall asleep. She is accustom to falling asleep in public places, snug in her car seat, despite noise and commotion. But on this day? OH NO...she stayed awake from 7:30-11:15am! 3.75 Hours!!! (On top of a very sleepless night) This is very rare for her. To say she was grouchy was an understatement. I was not looking forward to what I thought would happen next.

Class was over and I rushed out so that others would not have to listen to the whimpers of my little human. "She was hungry," I thought, "I will feed her when I get home." I briskly walk to the car to avoid as much of the rain as possible. Swung baby in the backseat, secure in the car seat base, threw the stroller in the trunk and ran to the driver's seat. Phew! We made it...a little wet, tired, and frustrated but we made it into the car. (A huge accomplishment on this day).

Leaving the parking lot, I heard cries, whimpers, and screams from the backseat. By the time I made it 2-minutes down the street, the backseat was silent! At first I thought I just tuned out her noise (a super-power I gained with Motherhood), but when I looked back...she was fast asleep!

"Really??!! Now?! Well, I might as well make the most of it."

Knowing that the pounding rain and the jostling it would take to remove the car seat from the back would wake her up, I decided to go to Starbucks. The drive-thru of course! (I have never used drive-thru's as much as I do now that I am a mother!!).

I purchased a drink and breakfast sandwich and wondered where I should go. I thought about driving down to the water to enjoy the view with my Starbucks treats, but my mind went into auto-pilot and before I knew it I was sitting at home in my driveway...in the pouring rain...with a (FINALLY) sleeping baby.

What's a mother to do?

Slowing pulling up the E-Brake (pulling it too fast wakes her, I have discovered), turning off the car,  reclining my seat, turning up the music (slightly), I enjoyed 40-minutes of "relaxation." Yes, I was just sitting in my car...in my driveway! The falling rain was somewhat therapeutic. The Starbucks coffee (with a long blonde hair in it...YUCK!) was a "nice" treat. The cold breakfast sandwich was just enough to curb my hunger. But the sleeping baby in the back.... PERFECTION!

I soon began to realize a mother will do anything for her baby....here is the evidence: