Growing a boy: Emotions are still high

Daily, I recount the story of my son's birth. It is increbile to me how personal and how emotional it still is seven months later.

To see my son withing in pain; to see him not reaching the set "milestones" according to his adjusted age; to carry a heavy 20+ pound baby around the house (up and down the stairs multiple times a day); to pray moment by moment for wisdom; to keep records, charts, and details of everything he eats--when, how much, how often.

I am blessed by our sweet youngest but his situation often creates such heartache deep in my soul. Everything about it is emotional.

Just recently we had to switch from breastmilk/formula mix to just formula (since I ran out of dairy-protein-free breastmilk). We stopped mixing in rice cereal because we thought the formula would be thick enough. A sleepless night for all of us because of his SCREAMING, kicking and uncosulable emotions and three bottles later (over a 24-hour period...not a lot of food in-take) we ended up at the doctor's office.

Up to the appointment, Oliver was withing in pain...such terror and confusion in his tear filled eyes as he screamed endlessly for over 3 hours at a time before passing out from exhaustion...hands-tied as parents, not knowing what to do.

The doctor we met had such compassion...even sitting next to me hugging me as I cried my mother-emotional tears as I processed through my son's pain. We resolved that the solution was adding back in the rice cereal into the formula and increasing one of his reflux meds once again. And refraining from solids.

Since our appointment yesterday at 4:15pm, thankfully Oliver is doing much better.

I am so incredibly thankful that the Lord restores my soul. I am so thankful for those gifted and talented medical professionals who show compassion not only to our son but to us...using their knowledge to meet us in our desperate times and in our greatest needs. Parenthood is never easy but I am so thankful I have the Lord, those who join us in prayer and the technology/knowledge to make my son well.

I have nothing but praises and thanksgivings on this day.

Growing a family: Blood, Boogers & Boys

Three years ago, I started the life long journey of motherhood. My darling daughter entered the world in a very unexpected way stealing a part of my heart in the process. We had 16-months of bonding, just her and I (and her Daddy, of course), before our second child, a son, was born. When I thought my heart could not possibly love another little human as much as I loved the first, I embraced our first born son and rejoiced to God, for this little creature was an answer to so many prayers. To our delight, when our son was 15-months old, we experienced the birth of our three child, another son.

Although a small part of me longs for the days of bonding with just my darling first, now my life is rich and full having the responsibility of caring for two other children... my sons. I was shocked and surprised that God thought I would be a good "boy mom." Just recently, I saw a post for activewear with the logo #BOYMOM. Then it dawned on me....I AM A BOY MOM! I some how never put those terms to my role as a mother or accepted that identity for myself...wow! I am not just a mother, but a mother to not one but TWO boys!

Seriously though, what do I know about being a "boy mom."

My oldest son is a month and a half shy of being two. My youngest son is 7-months. In just this short time, I have experienced more blood, boogers and blenches from these two little human than from my first child. These boys are rough and tough; they like to rumble, be loud, be thrown. They like to be tackled, headlocked and wrestled with. Everything is about kicking and throwing. (Okay, this is mostly describing my almost 2-year old....my 7-month old can hardly sit up by himself). :)

Just the other day, my aggressive second and I were jumping on the trampoline out back. He laughed loader and harder the higher I launched him. At one point he bit either his lip or tongue (I couldn't tell). I, of course, stopped. I pounced over to him, scooped him up into my arms...and he began to laugh, blood lining the outer outline of his lips. He locked eyes with me, wiped the boogers from his nose onto his sleeve and then from his sleeve on to my arm. Then he shouted, "more, more." To my amazement, he got into the bouncing position and was quickly ready for more bouncing fun despite his bloody injury and extremely runny nose.

Today we spend a good hour crashing trucks into each other...seriously, what fun is that? But I obliged and joined in the smashing fun. The light in his eye was astounding. It brought him a joy that I will never understand.

I will not begin to pretend I know what I am doing, raising two sons. They are so different than me. They stretch me, growing me, make me think about the world around me in a different way. They cause me to pause and thank God for the creativity, tenderness and compassion growing in their spirits along with their ability and drive to play hard, laugh enormously, and compete fearlessly. I pray through all the blood and boogers that they will find peace, joy and strength in Jesus. Until then, I will try my best to love them with Jesus' love, embracing who God has created them to be...blood, booger and all. 

Growing a boy: It is finished

It has come. The end of a season. It has been a laborious six months. Something consuming my life for up to three hours a day… Having to sneak away 8 to 12 times per day no matter where I was or what I was doing. It required me to plan ahead, pack and prepare for any given situation...batteries, ice packs, cover, extra bottles, sanitation wipes. This was my life.

It has been challenging to come to a resolution about exclusively pumping for my preemie son. It has been more emotional than I ever thought… Deciding when to stop providing nourishment  for my baby, my last born.  In the past month, I have slowly let my milk supply dry up. At first it was a complete relief to not be tied to my breast pump 24 hours a day while managing life… My three babies, household, and full-time work among other things.  As I would reduce the number of pumping sessions, I would wonder how in the world I pumped so many times throughout the day while keeping all of my kids happy and safe.  I am not going to lie, it was a tough routine to develop at first. But somehow we all managed and I was able to successfully pump breastmilk for my son.

In many ways I felt guilty for wanting to stop pumping. I actually started the process mid August and realized I had so much guilt over it that I just couldn't continue. I quickly picked up my former pumping schedule and decided to pump until he was six months old. Another difficult and emotional part of this decision includes the fact that my son cannot tolerate dairy protein.  Having stopped dairy in my own diet mid May, I have a plethora of breastmilk that he currently cannot consume because of his severe reaction to this protein. In some ways I feel like my pumping was all in vain.  I have a chest deep freezer full of breastmilk but I am praying one day he will be able to consume it. (Join me in prayer?). We have had to introduce formula in the last few weeks to supplement since I currently do not have enough dairy protein free  milk available for  him....at the cost of $40 per can.

 Our feeding routine has now become a scientific concoction… Mixing breastmilk with rice cereal and then mixing formula separate to ensure consistency. Then the final step is mixing the two together so that it is an equal and complete blend. I started making almost a days worth of milk at one time  which has greatly saves time and the stress of not getting that mixture just right.

In all of these emotional struggles, my desire is to find joy and to give thanks. I am grateful for our son. I am grateful for all of the medical professionals who have encouraged us these past six months, giving us wisdom, guidance, and a stack full of literature to read. I would not say our life is easy by any means, but whose life really is? We are all given struggles and emotional challenges in which will either draw us closer to the Lord or drastically push us away from him. I choose to draw closer to him, embracing all of this that the season holds. I am grateful for the gift of life

I know one day I will look back on these times fondly. Thankful that we were able to provide for our son and our family in so many ways that others cannot. I am blessed to hold my son because of his reflux screaming fits. I am blessed to have stairs to run up to so that I can hold him in his room.  I am blessed! No matter how long the days are or how little sleep I get each night, I. Am. Blessed.

Growing a family: What does it matter

It is still hard to believe that I am a mother to three children. Even typing out those words it seems foreign.

I often wonder what makes me qualified for this role. What did God see in me to grant me such responsibility?

To be honest, most days are a blur. Only through His strength am I able to endure the daily demands of a 3 year old, 22-month old and 6-month old. Wild.

Removing myself, it seems overwhelming. How can anyone handle such chaos and still exude love, patience and kindness? How can one manage life: housework, cooking, cleaning, bill-paying, friendships, work, and sleep-deprivation to top it off.

Jesus.

By no means am I saying I have it all together. I am blessed if I am able to remain "cool" throughout the day and react in love rather than frustration or annoyance. 

Some days I feel like I just go through the motions, not fully engaging with those around me or cherishing the moments of snuggles or hugs. This saddens me.

My friend's mother passed away earlier this month from cancer. I have know her since I was in 8th grade...practically a lifetime. What are the things she treasured the most? A clean house or basking in the warmth of a happy family? If she could answer, I am most certain she would say family.

In the light of eternity, what on earth really matters? This is a challenging and convicting thought. How would you answer it?

I'm sure like many of you, I get caught up in my to-dos, my social media, making things perfect or clean, well organized. But what does it matter? Do I spend time sharing Jesus? Breathing in each moment of my chaotic and sometimes overwhelmed life? What can I remove (mentally or physically) to make my life less overwhelmed and focused on the things that truly matter?

The practice of being present, no matter what my "present" looks like, clean , dirty, happy or fitful...it is my present. The one God has granted to me. In the chaos-- in the unknown--in the overwhelming--- GOD.

God. He is the only one who qualifies me for this role of motherhood. And I am blessed.

Growing a family: Getting rid of it all

It has been a process over the last 2 1/2 + years. It has been painstaking, forsaking things that once brought me so much joy. It has been a process of reclaiming my mental space in the midst of my physical world: decluttering.

I go through phases of my "get rid of it all" rampage. Yesterday was one of those days. I boxed up half the toys and up to the attic they went for future sorting/donating. And did my kids notice today? Not at all.

My closet is another one of "those" spaces. Only 6-months postpartum I still have high hopes that I will fit into my old "skinny" jeans (a reality I am not sure about after having 3 kids!) yet I still have a plastic tote stored away of my "when I am healthy and back in shape" clothes. The remaining items are things that kinda fit...maybe if I squeeze in, don't eat or better yet don't move. Others have small tears or snags from the laundry machine while other just don't fit me properly anymore but for the lack of anything better they take up valuable drawer space.

Oh, the kitchen! How many gadgets and trinkets have collected over the 7 years we have lived in this house. Do I really need that lemon squeezer thingy. What about old knives that no longer cut but were given as a gift. The countless unused plastic bowls and utensils. To be honest, I only use a handful of tools because, lets face it, with three kids aged 3 years of age and under plus working full-time while being a full-time stay at home mommy does not lead itself to much cooking.

So in order to create some type of control over my physical stuff, I purge. I am finding that the less material possessions I have, the more thankful I am for what I do have...the more I appreciate it, use it and enjoy it.

As I go through my clothes, I find that the struggle and stress of getting ready in the morning is slowly shrinking the more the number of items in my closet shirk. I have found that I also do less laundry too! Both a perk!  My eventual goal is to create a capsule wardrobe consisting about 50 items...if anyone wants to come over and help me with this one, I am more than willing to accept!

The toys feel like an endless battle, though. Almost like something that is not mine for the taking... yet also something the little creatures in my house don't always pick up after or take care of. Although the amount of toys has been reduced, it seems like a losing battle. We have become more selective on what we bring into our house and have created an easy organizational system which allows toys to be easily stored and retrieved. I have tried the "rotate the toys" thing but for me it feels like move the clutter from one spot to moving the clutter to the attic. I think this is an area we will always have to work on.

Keeping a "get-rid-of-bin" in an easily accessible location has helped this process greatly. I no longer have things piles in the car, attic and the basement. There is a one-point collection.

Throughout this process, God has been teaching me and reminding me that He is more than enough. That my abundance is a blessing from Him and in my abundance, I need to share. These lessons transfer well into the conversations I now have with my children...not only teaching them gratitude for what they have but also generosity as we share what He has given us. It brings up many points about need vs. want. It reminds me that God wants me to not just give from my abundance but to sacrifice to Him. It helps me check my motives and desires before I purchase something. Decluttering and purging creates space for me to spend more time with my family rather than just managing, cleaning, folding, and putting away stuff. I recently asked myself what I spend the most time doing in my daily life....the honest answer what shocking. How can I refocus on what REALLY matters, spending less time managing my stuff? Getting rid of it.

Growing a boy: Turning 6-Months

A few weeks ago, our sweet Oliver turned 6-months old. To be honest, it was a milestone we were unsure he would make. To my great surprise this has been an emotional past few weeks. In some ways it reminds me of the weeks we spent once he came home from the NICU at 28-days. Our schedule has been full of appointments: physical therapy, occupational therapy, pulmonology, meeting with dieticians, general pediatrics.  We also "celebrated" Oliver's first ear infection with yet another trip to the doctor's office.

It is overwhelming. Information. Milestones. Eating adjustments. New formula. New medications. Different floor exercises. The list goes on and on.

What do you do with all of this information? I cry.

Since his birth, Tyler and I have often recounted the days leading up to Oliver's delivery and especially the uncertain days after his birth. It is a story that we process over and over again. Grieving in some ways and rejoicing in others. Yet no matter how many times I tell the story, I still cannot believe what has happened to me. To Tyler. To Oliver. I am amazed.

I often ask myself, "How did we get through that?" But the reality and true is that we haven't. We are still in the midst of it. We might no longer be at the bedside of a infant near death. We might be past the apnic stages in which Oliver would stop breathing at home. Yet we have no certainty of what the future holds for this little boy. The surgeons are confident that the edges of the tumor were removed at day 5 of life but at the same time no one really knows what the tumor was. For all I know, there could be some forgein growth reemerging in my son's lung and we probably won't know about it until his 1-year lung x-ray...waiting another 6-months.

I do not live my life worrying but as a mother, your heart is always with your child...fighting, advocating and ensuring every possible stone is un-turned. The days are long...oh, are they long. Our near 25 pound 6-month old wants to be carried ALL OF THE TIME... not an easy feat for many reason but two of those "reasons" are 3 years old and 21-months old. :) The nights are endless and mirror the activities that occur during the day. Some how we manage to fit in two full-time jobs, church activities, relationships with friends and family on a limited 4-6 hours of sleep per night. Despite the chaos of our life, in the midst of all of this I grieve. I process. I spend a few extra minutes parked in my driveway (either alone or with sleeping or screaming babies in the backseat) to allow myself to feel the deep emotions of what this past 6-7 months has allowed our family to journey through.

I don't know if I will ever "get over it" or fully process through what this season has given us. Maybe it is still too fresh. Maybe I never allowed myself to feel the emotions these past 6-months yet either way, I am still in awe of what God-Creator molded in my womb and allowed to be delivered into this broken world and preserved! The words God spoke to me around the time of Oliver's birth were, "I giveth and I taketh away. You have to be okay with that." It is strange now how much comfort those words gave me during one of the most challenging and emotionally taxing times of my life. Six-months later I reflect on those words knowing that in God all things are held together for His good and my benefit.

In the days when emotions are high and Oliver is screaming endlessly, I choose to pull him in a little closer, breath in his sweet hair as I run my fingers through it. I gently pat his back while I repeatedly bounce him up and down. I gently wipe the tears from his eyes and look deeply into them trying to hold on to every.single.piece of who he is. I take more pictures than I probably "should." I talk about him probably more than people want to hear. He is a miracle. Sweet Oliver is a miracle. He reminds me every day of God's goodness, faithfulness and His ability to answer prayers in ways I would have never imagined. I am overwhelmed.

So, please forgive me. If you see me crying...if I start talking and have to pause...if I change the subject...if I talk too much about what I have experienced. Turning 6-months is a huge cause to celebrate. And I am overwhelmed. From a less than 1% chance of survival to thriving...how could anyone ever process such heartache and such joy! In God, I am overwhelmed. My sweet son turned 6-months old. Hallelujah!

Growing a Family: Teaching Gratitude

Luke 12:15"Then he said, 'Beware! Guard against every kind of greed. Life is not measured by how much you own.'”

Proverbs 28:25"Greed causes fighting; trusting the Lord leads to prosperity.

Greed is not something you need to teach. It just so happens by our human nature we are inclined to want more, want what we don't have and want what someone else has. It is a deceitful condition of our heart.  

As adults, many of us have found ways to "hide" or justify this heart condition or make it seem like our greed is culturally acceptable. As an onlooker, we too have on our rosy colored glasses and dismiss this for what it really is: SIN.

Young children on the other hand have little to no filter. They have not yet learned the "art" of self-preservation when it comes to this sin. They see it. They want it. They take it. (And as parents and caretakers we are left with shepherding their young deceitful hearts).

So what do we do? Our children are fighting over a toy. They are not satisfied with the special, once-in-a-while dessert treat, requesting more. The toys, clothes, etc. are just simply not enough. The words formed out of their sweet mouths reflect the struggle and battle that is going on within their hearts. (Luke 6:45: for his mouthspeaks from the overflow of his heart.)

As a response, we turn to the scriptures for training and guidance. We fall on our knees in prayer seeking Wisdom from the One who holds the universe. We question God, seeking areas in our own life where we might be reflecting and unknowingly teaching this behavior to our children.

This is not a battle easily won. It is deeper than just "stuff." It is a lack of recognition and understanding of who God REALLY is and how He will ALWAYS provide for His children. In a way, it is saying that what Jesus did on the cross was not enough. Some reading this might think this is a stretch--- talking about the simple object of a toy to a deeper theological issue such as Christ's death--- yet it is connected. Going back to the 10 Commandments in Exodus 20, we can see that many of the commandments are rooted in this notion of greed which is why God warns us so that we can be on guard.

The challenge is figuring out how to translate this to a 3-year-old. The ideas of appreciating what you have, being content and satisfied, the concept of giving and sharing. And even more convicting, living these things out in our own lives before calling out our children. We can take away their stuff (natural consequences); we can minimize their closet full of toys; we can force them to give their things away but the root problem is still there: sin. The ugly three letter word that the enemy tries so hard to use to distract us from living our life as co-heirs with Christ. 

So I conclude this blog post with not a "10-simple ways" list to teach our children gratitude but rather a plea to see the deeper spiritual issue and pray. Pray. PRAY. for the wisdom that only God can give. As you do, PLEASE SHARE! :) Many of us struggle with this sin (whether it be us or our children). Lets join together, support each other and speak truth in love, sharing what the Lord Himself is revealing. 

Romans 12:2 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.