Growing a boy: Story of Job (By Tyler)

Job’s Story (By Tyler)

If I’m being honest, I never really liked the biblical story of Job.  I didn’t like that God allowed him to loose his family, friends, and belongings. Even though everything and more was restored to Job, I still didn’t like it. 

Over the last 6 months my family has been through quite a bit.  My mother passed after 3 years of barely holding on to a miserable existence in a nursing home.  Our finished basement flooded.  My wife’s pregnancy had some serious complications with our third child which was born with a severe life threatening lung defect.

It has been a difficult season to say the least.  In the midst of all of this, I continued to get more frustrated at God.  At moments I was angry and screaming at Him.  His response was to quietly tell me that even more suffering was on the way.  I work in an emergency room and see people during some of the worst times in their lives.  People on their death bed, afraid, regretful, realizing they have wasted their life chasing after things that don’t really matter.  As God has opened my eyes to the true suffering in this world, I finally just got pissed off and started asking Him why He allows it.  If our God is so powerful, why doesn’t he stop it?  Why is the creator sitting back and doing nothing?  

His response shocked me.  He used a song, Where Were You by Ghost Ship (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DLf_Nlukra0).  That got my attention as I knew He was using this powerful song to speak to me about His plan, but I still didn’t have my answer.  Why God? Why do you allow people all around me to die, suffer and be broken?  Then I turned to the book of Job.  I always thought it would give a reason to why there is suffering.  I knew all the scriptures about trials and their benefits from Proverbs, James and Romans.  I had shared them with others so many times, but I still never liked Job.  I rarely talked about the book.

After studying Job I realized, God didn’t answer the questions.  He never said suffering is present because…, He just made more statements.  As I was essentially calling God unjust, He answered with showing me that I was not qualified to make that claim.  I was not in control of the complexities of this world or it’s creation.  I did not know enough to call Him unjust.  As I demanded an explanation from God for the reason of suffering, He invited me to trust in Him.  To actually believe that what I believe is really real. 

And that is the end.  I never got my answer, but I gained hope, joy, peace, and trust in the only trustworthy person.  Our God is an awesome God.  My mom got to see her first 2 grandbabies before she died.  Our flooded basement is now put back together and I gained amazing fellowship with friends, and a few new tools.  Our son is thriving after having his chest cut open and parts of his lung cut out on day 5 of life.  My life is being put back together, I have suffered trials and the testing of my faith has produced a perseverance. 

I am starting to have a new appreciation of the book of Job.  Even more, I have a new appreciation for the one inspired it.  My reply to His revelation is that I spoke of things I did not understand, things to wonderful for me.  Although I had no right to ask, my God knelt and answered me.   

Growing a boy: Separation

Monday, April 3, 2017: Day One of Separation

Today was the first full day of being physically separated from my family. Oliver and Tyler are in Seattle at Children's hospital. My other two kids are with my parents. I am in the hospital in Tacoma, recovering from my invasive abdominal surgery.

I wish I had more words to describe my emotions right now. A part of me is relieved to have a few moments of silence today, no one needing or wanting me. No one asking questions or expecting answers. It was nice that Siobhan spent the night last night and was with me in the morning. It was wonderful to have my sister stop for a visit (with coffee!!) and to have her help on my first "epic" loop walk down the halls of the hospital.

I guess I just feel detached from every thing. My two oldest kids are getting great attention and love from their grandparents...something I cannot give them right now (physically or emotionally). My youngest son has about 8 doctors and 10-15 other providers caring for him around the clock. My husband has taken over the medical decision-making for our son (at least for now) as I recover in the hospital. I feel like my story stopped the moment my preemie son was whisked away via ambulance to Seattle. My body was just simply used as a vessel to create this little boy and bring him into the world...and that is it. I know in my head this is not true but my heart is confused, hurting, and overwhelmed.

The good news is that the feeling of loneliness is certainly not there. I have been so incredibly blessed by cards, letters, scriptures, texts, and messages. A friend brought me a journal today filled with all of the things mentioned above. It was put together at our women's retreat that occurred over the weekend. As I flipped through it, I cried, feeling His presence and peace. I could feel the love of the community in which we are apart of. Also, someone I don't even know sent me a handwritten letter to the hospital. Beyond touched! I was so encouraged. This has probably the one tangible thing that has kept me grounds so please feel free to send us these tangible encouragements!! I need them.

Tomorrow I will be discharged and will be able to see Oliver in person for the second time. I am worried about the long drive up there, how my body will physically do with all the points of transfer, and my emotions. If I cry (or cough or laugh) my incision hurts. I am praying it will be a great day and that much progress will be made.

I cannot believe my son is now one and a half days old! Although I have only touched him for 5 minutes or so, my heart is wrapped around him in so many ways. All of the doctors, mine and his, say that we made the right decision on taking him out when we did. This is reassuring to me and confirms that we made the right decision as his parents. It was a tough call to make.

I struggle with not knowing the outcome of all of this. The journey ahead is long. We are just taking our first steps in it. In his first day of life, Oliver went from 100% oxygen on the ventilation to somewhere around the low 50% (like 53 or something)! Amazing progress; however, this was followed by increased CO2 levels putting him back into a critical state. This was corrected about about an hour+ of messing with the machine settings. He is still not stable. He is unable to get a CT scan which would reveal to us more about his condition. Honestly, we still have no real idea about what is wrong with him. We know one lung is compromised. We know there are some issues with his working lung. Is a lung transplant needed in his future? Gosh! So much to take in...so many "what if" scenarios right now.

My heart hurts thinking about this.

Oliver is in the best place he can be right now: 1) in the hands of Jesus 2) surrounded by our family of believers who are constantly praying for him and 3) with a whole team of doctors who are fighting along side of him for his survival.

We still have no idea if Oliver will make it through all of this. But I pray with every ounce of everything that I have and every tear I can produce and every thought that I capture that he will. He IS a fighter! We believe he will continue to be strong and courageous. We believe that he will make progress moment by moment. We believe he hears the tender whispers of Jesus speaking to him. We believe the Holy Spirit is resting upon him and his medical team. We believe in the power of healing in the name of God the Father, God the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Will you believe with us and continue to lift him up in prayer?

Growing a boy: Happy Birthday Son

Sunday, April 2, 2017: Bed Rest Day 6
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON!! 
(33 weeks/2 days gestation)


The night was horrible. I was never able to really get to bed. My right leg hurt so bad that I couldn't even move it on my own. It felt like a 100 pound brick. My belly was so big that it prevented me from being able to get a full cough or full breath. The pressure from the increased fluid made it impossible to urinate. Contractions were peaking to the point of feeling like I was in full labor resulting in a 1 cm dilation (totaling 4 cm and 75% effaced). As my body processed all of these rather quick changes I began to shake uncontrollably. Finally, around 4:30am the torture was put to ease. The first pain med did not even touch the pain. They gave me a 1/2 dose of another, much stronger, pain med. This mildly eased the pain until they completed with a full dose.  My body was finally able to rest.

We had the nurse call our doctor at two points during the night to consult and the on-call doc gladly came in to access the situation. I had made some progression but not enough that warranted a c-section at 5 in the morning. At this point, I was healthy and the baby was healthy. I slept for about 2 hours.

By 7am I was woken up by our nurse saying that our 12:30pm ultrasound got bumped up to 7am but only if we could leave immediately. Of course, we did. Our 1-hour appointment would be telling of our next course of action. It was a blessing and miracle that we could get this done first thing in the morning so that we could revise our game plan if needed.

The ultrasound tech measured my fluid levels...I was back up to 53 AFI (Thursday I was 40 and the day before 57...what the heck is going on?). Anyway, one of the major things the ultrasound would reveal is baby's respiratory function. For a 30-min window they needed to see him "breath" on his own. They were unable to see this. This is common or could have simply been missed.We were given a few new images of our sweet baby boy and then taken back up to our room.

I was super hungry at this point, roughly 8am. The last time I ate was "dinner" at 6pm which consisted of a few bites of fruit and a coffee from the hospital lobby. While they were trying to reach my doctor to determine if I could eat, the baby was put back on the monitor to measure his heart. With the excess fluid, it is difficult to keep him on the monitor because he has a big swimming pool to float around in. When he slowed down for a little while the nurses noticed that his heart was not accelerating the way it should. It was staying at his baseline but that was all.

I was getting a little anxious to hear the official ultrasound results, to further understand this "issue" with his heart and his breathing; and I was lightheaded because I needed food. Despite all of this, we waited patiently in our room until around 10:30am when the NICU doctor, Dr. Flood, and our OB/GYN Dr. Stearman appeared in our room to discuss all that was discovered and all that had changed (again) in the last 24-hours.

Per the the recommendation of both the NICU doc and my OB/GNY, around 11am, Tyler and I decided it was best for our family to have a baby today. It was a relatively ease decision as we reflected back on this whole week's set of events, risks vs. benefits as well was what was best for me and baby (especially in light of the night I had and the test results from baby). I was not anticipating a c-section until Friday yet it appeared that baby was doing just "ok" and not showing any signs of improving in the womb. Trying to push us both to make the 34-week mark would be of no benefit. It actually may have made things worse.

Shortly after this decision, the room cleared and it was just Tyler, me and my OB/GYN. She patiently and lovingly answered all of our questions. She even had tears in her eyes as she watched us process through the emotions of what was going to happen in the next hour or so. Going into this surgery to retrieve our son, we knew there was still a 50/50 chance of survival. I remember saying though tears and labored breathing, "But I just love our son so much already and I haven't even met him. I don't want to lose him," Tyler asked if our doctor would be okay if he prayed over me. She got a little smile on her face and joined us! As I laid on the bed, Tyler held my hand and our doctor laid hands on my belly and prayed over us. She prayed that this baby would be a fighter; she prayed for steady hands and wisdom; she prayed that I would do okay with the surgery. It was amazing. We said our amens' looking at each other with tears in our eyes, not knowing the fate of this baby boy.

Moments later things started happening rapidly. I was cleaned and changed for surgery. Still having pain, I was given a slight dose of pain meds (thank goodness! This helped with the pain and calmed my nerves). Tyler put on scrubs and within 20 minutes we were back in the OR. I was asked to sit on the OR table and hunch over my belly...yea, easier said than done!... so the epidural could be placed. I closed my eyes, focused on my breathing and squeezed Tyler's hands all while praying over our son and the traumatic events that my son and I would go through.

The OR was joined be another through clear glass doors. I remember sitting on the OR table and seeing the clock, 11:47am, as the NICU team started to appear and set up the OR next to mine for my unborn son. I was quickly lowered onto the table since the epidural was starting to kick in. Things from there were kinda a blur. I was a little loopy from the pain meds given prior to the surgery and the other IV meds began to really effect me as well. It was kinda a drunk/out-of-it feeling. As the surgeons began to cut I could feel no pain and I could feel the weight of the fluid coming off. It was an amazing sensation! It literally sounded like a shop vac in there as they suctioned all the fluids. I felt minimal tugging and pulling because my uterus was so stretched out. He came out very quickly and easily at 12:19pm. I vaguely remember seeing someone walking from my OR to my sons'...just steps away, but I didn't get to see him or hear any cries (which was expected). From that moment forward, Tyler was doing the best he could to be there for me as well as our son. I told him to just enjoy being with our son, especially since we had no idea what his condition was really like. Tyler took a few pictures of our son and walked back over to show me as they prepared to close my incision. That was the first time I got to "see" our son. I looked back up at the clock, 12:23pm. By 12:40 the NICU team and Tyler left their OR and I remained as they wrapped things up. As the rolled me down the hallway to the recovery, I ended up throwing up a bit. An unpleasant side effect of the epidural medication. Tyler and I FaceTimed while I was in recovery so I could get a better look at baby. During this conversation I learned that our son, not more than an hour old, would need to be transferred up to Seattle Children's Hospital.

I was so sad that I would not even get to see him or touch him for days since I just had a major surgery myself and was in recovery "lock down" for 2-hours post-op. I knew he needed to catch a ride to Seattle as soon as possible so I settled in mind that it would be at least two or three days before I would see him. Well, my wonderful dream-team of nurses "snuck" me up to the NICU at TG so that I could lock eye on him and touch his precious little feet. It literally felt like Christmas, only 1000x more exciting. I seriously was jumping out of my gurney with excitement to see him. I was wheeled into the room backwards and immediately began to cry tears of joy. All the physical pain I was feeling suddenly went away as I gently stroked his feet and called him by his name. I was the very first person to call him by name, OLIVER SINCLAIR!

When I began talking to him and saying his name, although intubated, his little tongue started to move backwards and forwards. He would do this only for me. HE KNEW HIS MOMMA! My heart melted. It was as if he was telling me that he was ready to fight. That he was strong. And that the battle was won in Jesus. I was overwhelmed by this moment! It was incredibly sad to be rolled out of the room with only getting such a short amount of time with him. My heart was breaking...what if he was in Seattle and took a turn for the worst and I wasn't there? I tried not to think on that too much...but instead tried to rest God's promises and scripture.

My friend Siobhan stayed with me every moment from being rolled out of the OR until the next day. It was a huge comfort to have someone who would pray over me, help me adjust my pillows, listen to my struggles or simply just sit in silence as I processed the whirlwind of a day. The day ended not nearly as dramatically as it started; however, it was strange that on my son's birthday I was without a son and without a husband. It was hard to realize that my body felt like I just gave birth but my baby was no where to be seen. I struggled with wanting to know what was happening at each moment with him to being so exhausted I fought to keep my eyes open.

We still have a LONG road ahead, counting each day we have with him a blessing and covering him with so much prayer that it is almost unfathomable. We do not know what will happen in front of us but we do know that God has given sweet Oliver Sinclair to us for today...in this moment. So we will soak it in. Enjoy this sweet personality and lean on Jesus even more!

Happy Birthday, our son, Oliver Sinclair.

Growing a boy: Day 2, Wait on the Lord (Tyler)

Wait

Today I find myself waiting quite a bit.  Most people who know me and my wife know there is a fair amount of activity in our life.  There is not too much waiting, more doing.  From the moment when the kids wake up at 6am, to the time my head lays on the pillow after 14 hrs of working around 2am, I am constantly moving.  It has been this way for the last few months.  Now I have been thrown into this pattern of waiting.  This is only day 1 at Children's Hospital and I find myself looking for things to do.  I met the staff for morning rounds then went to go get breakfast.  It took 7 minutes to walk to the cafeteria, 3 minutes to eat, and 7 minutes to walk back.  That only took 17 minutes out of the day.  I was back in Oliver's room ready to do something, but really I wasn't needed.  I stroked his hair and sat down to type this (because I have to be doing something here.)

Go is teaching me to wait on him.  He reminded me of Ps. 27:14
Wait on the Lord,
Be strong, and let your heart take courage;
and wait for the Lord!

God has placed me in a location where there is nothing to but Pray and love on Oliver, and answer questions for the Providers.  Here, I am no longer Brandi's caretaker during healing, I don't know anyone here, there are no distractions, I don't have a badge to steal food from the doctor's lounge. I have work off for the next 3-4 months and the kids are safe at Gram-Gram's and Papa's house.  God is teaching me to wait on Him.

I am reminded of the biblical definition of "Wait."
Hebrew: Qavah
In hebrew, "wait" doesn't just mean to delay an action or to be eager for something to happen.  It also can has this component of twisting, binding together.  I get this picture of an uncomfortable action that causes growth or improvement.  The word is used elsewhere to describe 2 cords being spun together to increase it's strength.  God is increasing my strength and faith as Oliver progresses.

Through this I am starting to understand James 1:2-4
Consider it all pure joy, my brothers, when you meet trial of various kinds, for you know the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.


-Tyler

Growing a boy: Thankfulness from a dad's perspective

Thankfulness

By Tyler Harrington

What does God mean in scripture to be thankful?  Why should I be thankful when my son is fighting for his life and hasn’t even been born?  Why should I be thankful that my wife’s abdomen is so stretched she can’t even walk, sleep, or even roll over? She is in intense pain, battling the anxious thought that our son could die inside of her or shortly after giving birth.  We are so helpless, why be thankful?

These were questions that were running through my head a few days ago.  I sat in the hospital bed, lackadaisical, just wasting time watching Netflix.  Then I heard the news, Ollie had fluid in his belly where it shouldn’t be.  From what I remember from medical school that mean he only had about a 25% chance of survival.  For the first time, I hit my knees in prayer.  It saddened me at that moment, that it took the very real thought of loosing him for me to actually turn to God.  Every time the Doctor said “This is looking pretty bleak,”  God kept saying “It is my face you should seek.”  The survival odds got better with each negative test, and I was reassured by my wife saying “God has knit this child together in my womb just the way he wanted him to be.”  God comforted me with the revelation that He doesn’t operate under the limitations of odds ratios and bleak outlooks.  I was starting to see something to be thankful for.

Having left for the hospital in a hurry, I did not bring my bible.  Now in the midst of a war I was craving God’s word more then ever.  When I asked our friend, she lent me her Bible without hesitation.  As I turned through the pages, I was able to see the many ways God had worked in her life and lessons she had been taught.  It was her personal bible that she had spent years highlighting and reading. It was so encouraging to see that God knows us each individually and meets each of us where we are at.  He is big enough to do that.  I flipped through the pages and started reading one of my daughter’s favorite passages, Dan 6, Daniel and the Lion’s Den.  The Lord showed me something in 6:10.  After the King had made the edict if anyone worships someone other then the king, that person shall be thrown into the lion’s den.  Daniels response:

When Daniel knew that the document had been signed, he went to his house where he had windows in his upper room open toward Jerusalem.  He got down on his knees three times a day and prayed and gave thanks before his God, as he had done previously. Dan 6:10

Did you catch that, a law came down that would surely sentence him to being kitty food and he gave God thanks.  His faith in God was not changed by the trial, he did what he always did.  Daniel went to speak with his Father, he gave thanks in the midst of the trial.  I am reminded of Romans 8:28:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

If you look at the end of Daniel 6, the king, having seen God’s power in action and Daniel’s faith, makes a new declaration:

26 “I make a decree, that in all my royal dominion people are to tremble before the God of Daniel, for he is the living God, enduring forever;

his kingdom shall never be destroyed, and his dominion shall be to the end.

27 He delivers and rescues;

he works signs and wonders in heaven and on earth,

he who has saved Daniel from the power of the lions.”

So I echo that statement to myself and all who are reading this.  As we trust God, as we press forth into the unknown, as we continually lift up Ollie and Brandi to only one who can save them.  He delivers and rescues; he works signs and wonders in heaven and on earth, Amen!

Thank you for joining us in this battle.  I look forward to the testimony that God is building in us and through us, no matter the outcome.  And most of all…  I look forward to introducing you to our son.

Growing a boy: Bed Rest Day 5 (Overwhemled)

Saturday, April 1: Bed Rest Day 5

I felt like I got better sleep last night. I didn't need any pain med in the night and the anti-contraction meds seemed to work great too. My fetal monitoring got moved from once per shift to every 4 hours. Around 4:30am, I was put on the monitor and baby's heartbeat was difficult to locate. After trying for about 20 minutes the nurse used a doppler. The heartbeat was located sporadically but not well enough to "count." This process took over an hour. The nurse was finally satisfied with the readings we got and my back was hurting due to the back contractions I was having. We called it quits. There was a scary moment though, not knowing if a heartbeat was there.

After this ordeal, my darling husband took a quick trip to the hospital cafe and surprised me with a blueberry scone and a decaf double raspberry latte! YUM! We sat in the room eating and drinking our treats discussing our excitement to see our kids today! I had great expectations for this day. I mean, how can you not by starting out with yummy coffee and the knowledge of seeing your kids.

My next monitoring was scheduled for around 8am. Oh boy, what this an ordeal! The nurses switched shifts and a new nurse was now on my case. She was wonderful and also tried valiantly to capture baby's heartbeat but was unsuccessful because baby moves around so much. This resulted in a flood of providers entering our room...nurses and doctors, dopplers and ultrasound machines-- just to try and get a steady heart count on baby. At one point there were at least 6 providers swarming around me. Everyone was very nice but also asking a lot of questions...questions about baby, possible c-section, severity of contractions....it went on. Overwhelming! Good morning Saturday! After about another hour things slowed down including contractions. Baby was fine (and had been the whole time). I then realized (duh!) that stress greatly increased the severity and duration of my contractions. Even through things slowed down, I was again put on an "ice-chips-only-diet" until further notice. I was even more thankful for that morning coffee and scone.

Another measure they wanted to take to help slow contractions was IV fluids. Since my IV was put in two days ago it has stung but today it was different. It burned and itched as they began to push the fluids into my body...the IV was blown. Bummer!! We had to wait for IV Therapy to come done and start another line...this time in my right hand. Although this is a little more comfortable, it is rather inconvenient.

By this time it was about 11am or so and still no kids. We eagerly awaited their arrival and when they showed up, it was nothing but pure delight. Our daughter was curious about everything, exploring the room and asking questions. She finally snuggled with me in the bed and I read her a Bible story. I could tell she missed her momma. Certain not enough time with her. I just love that little girl to pieces and I did not realize how much I missed her until she was in my arms. Our son on the other hand, at 15-months old was tired, hungry and cranky. There was not any opportunity for me to hold him as he wiggles and moves so much. I am restricted from lifting anything heavier than 6-10 pounds. I am still a little sad I couldn't hold him but I was able to make him smile. My parents and sister came also. It was such a delight to have the family together. On the way out daughter did not want to leave me. My Momma heart broke as I could hear her scream my name from down the hall. "At least I know she loves me," I thought. My heart was overwhelmed.

Tyler and I had a quick late lunch and by 2:30pm I was back on the monitor. Because our boy moves around in all my fluid, it is hard to track his heartbeat. I was on the monitor until about 4:15pm.

Shortly after, our friends came to bring us dinner, to pray over us and to have a quick visit. It was so wonderful to see their faces and to hear how they are AND to hear they were going on a date once they left the hospital! Dating your spouse is so important. It gave me the idea of dating Tyler...even though we are stuck in a hospital.

Putting on the new robe and socks my sister gave me, Tyler and I had a cafeteria date. :) Fruit and drinks from the hospital coffee bar. Although I had to be pushed around in a wheel chair, it was so nice to get out of our room and have different scenery.

It is just now 7pm...still a few hours left in the day but I would call day 5 of bed rest overwhelming in both challenging and good ways. Overwhelmed by the amount of staff caring for me and baby, overwhelmed by the love of my kids, overwhelmed by the love and support of family and friends visiting/sending us messages.

Physically, I can just feel all those 17cm of fluid that left my body yesterday have returned to my body making it difficult to move and get up and down. The ultrasound tomorrow will measure the actual fluid I have but it sure feels like it has come back! I am still battling this cold and I developed pink eye in my left eye. Fun, huh?

Spiritually, I have been so encouraged by so many scriptures today but especially Psalm 34 & Matthew 17:20. Thank you to those who have sent us scripture today!

Tomorrow we look forward to having an another ultrasound (praying no fluid appears on his stomach or lungs!) and celebrating the fact that baby Ollie had one more day in the womb. You could also be praying that baby stays on the monitor for a full 30-minutes every 4-hours...this would greatly ease our minds and my discomfort of having to stay still for 30-minutes. :)

Stay tuned for more and I report tomorrow on day 6 of bed rest (hopefully)... Again, thank you for your love, support and prayers!

Growing a boy: Bed Rest Day 4 (Bad News Day)

Friday, March 31: Bed Rest Day 4... 33 weeks pregnant!

In the dark of my hospital room, I sit here in silence reflecting on all of the news we have heard today. Having thought yesterday was emotional and chaotic, today was NOTHING in comparison...it was much worse.

I slept fitfully during the night. The longest stretch of sleep was probably two hours. On top of everything else we are processing, we are both fighting a cold! This makes it difficult to breath or stay asleep for long periods of time. Often I wake-up gasping for air because of either contractions or this icky cold. I was put on a liquid only diet until morning... just in case a c-section was needed. I was starving. The last time I ate was a few bites of a sandwich around 1pm yesterday before I was told to stop eating again. My mind was racing from the chaos of the day before.

As dawn approached, I sat in my bed wondering what today would hold. Knowing we would have a follow-up ultrasound today, at 6am Tyler asked me if we had one scheduled. I called the nurse and to our surprise, they got us in first thing at 7am! A miracle. We had to wait for the results (and I had to wait to eat!) until we received the ultrasound report around 9am. The news was not favorable. The results displayed possible fluid in baby boy's tummy. Also, my AFI went from 57 to about 41...this is good but in 24-hours where did this fluid go? In 24-hours, why did baby start to display fluid in his stomach when nothing appeared in the ultrasound yesterday? The ultrasound sent up many red flags.

Because of these initial results, we ran around today get more testing done. I had yet another blood draw to test for possible infections (my poor veins!); we were taken across the street to get an ultrasound done on baby's heart to rule out congestive heart failure among other things; and our third ultrasound of the day looked at his brain to see if he is anemic. Seeing the trajectory going towards having baby early, we stopped at the NICU for a quick tour to process the fact that our sweet boy would end up being cared for in that unit for several weeks.

It seemed at each point throughout the day more and more questions arose. In the heart ultrasound taken later in the day, it appeared baby may have fluid also in his lungs in addition to more fluid than previously seen on the ultrasound this morning. Once we were back in our room the specialist came in to talk with us about all of the days results. Around 4:30pm we finally learned what all of this information really meant. The tests all came back negative for probable reasons why this was happening until we learned about hydrops. Defined as:

Hydrops fetalis (fetal hydrops) is a serious fetal condition defined as abnormal accumulation of fluid in 2 or more fetal compartments, including ascites, pleural effusion, pericardial effusion, and skin edema. In some patients, it may also be associated with polyhydramnios and placental edema. http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/974571-overview

From the above description, this is obviously a very serious condition. He is not currently diagnosed with hydrops but all of the indicators are point that way. We really won't know until he is born what is exactly wrong with him but we were told he has a 50/50 chance of survival.

HE HAS A 50/50 CHANCE OF SURVIVAL...

He will end up in the NICU for several weeks, if he survives. He may need chest tubes and a stomach drain. If his lungs are not doing well, he maybe intubated. He may need surgery if they find blockages in his esophagus and/or intestines (or other areas of concern). So many more unknowns

But here is the silver lining:

• He appears to be a big baby for his age (6-7 pounds at just 33 weeks)...sizing might be wrong due to the amount of fluid in my belly.
• I received steroid shots earlier in the week to help his lungs develop
• We are in a controlled hospital environment in case anything should happen...they can quickly get baby out.
• And most importantly, we have GOD ON OUR SIDE!!! This increases our "odds" because if God wants this baby to survive then he will despite the medical odds! This brings us great comfort. 

It has been an extremely hard day to process the news we received and I don't think we have fully grasped it. However, we know we are covered in prayer and that God is WAY bigger than anything we face.

SO here is the plan:

• Try to keep baby in until I am 34 weeks...gives him a better chance of breathing on his own and physically be able to handle what this world will give him.
• We will have another ultrasound on Sunday to determine if/how these fluid levels have changed...in my belly and in his belly/lungs.
• If at any point my water breaks, I dilate past 3cm or if baby is in distress, it calls for an immediate c-section. There are teams on standby.
• If we make it until Thursday, we will have another ultrasound in preparation for our Friday morning c-section.

How are we doing:

• Tyler:
• Physically: he is sick, fighting off this cold, coughing a lot, exhausted...its hard to sleep on the little pull out bed in the hospital room.
• Emotionally: he is slowly processing through the events of the past few days. With is medical knowledge I think he worries about it more than me simply because he knows more. He is doing a wonderful job at supporting me. I have encouraged him to leave the hospital twice to help with becoming too stir crazy. 
• Overall, he is fighting the good fight.
• Brandi:
• Physically: contractions suck. Often times I cannot always feel them because my belly is so full of fluid. It is hard to move around because of all the extra fluid weight I am carrying. I try to get up to "walk" every hour or so (and by walk I mean either a few circles in our room or if I am really brave I walk to down the hall two rooms and come back). I am still exhausted. Between contractions, the excess fluid, and baby moving it is very difficult to get comfortable. I literally have about 8 or 9 pillows on my hospital bed. It is frustrating to feel so sleep deprived while dealing with all this news. I also have to be monitored for at least 30 min. every 4-hours...contractions and baby's heartbeat. This is not my favorite or most comfortable part of the day but highly necessary.
• Emotionally: I felt like I took today surprisingly well despite the 50/50 outcome. I am processing what it might be like WHEN he survives but also preparing myself for the possible scenario if he doesn't. I feel well loved and supported. I do miss our other two littles but I am thankful they will visit us tomorrow, Saturday.

So, what can you do?

• Many friends have been asking, "what can we do?"
• Pray! Get all your friends to pray! We believe in the power of Jesus to heal our little boy! He is knitting baby in my womb just the way He wants and we need to trust that God never makes mistakes...no matter the outcome.
• Text messages: Although we might not reply to each one individually (or at all) it is WONDERFUL to know that you are indeed praying for us.
• Short visits without kids. At this time we are limiting visitors to about 1 or 2 per day. It can add stress if kiddos come along as well as possibly more sick germs so we ask that you don't bring them into the hospital room. If you would like to visit, please let us know! We love getting "breaks" from this hospital life. Know that if you do visit, we might ask you to leave if Brandi has to get monitored, checked or if one of our doctors comes in.
• Meals/Snacks: at this time we do not "need" food HOWEVER...at day 3 hospital food is already getting bland and boring for me and Tyler usually has to run to the cafeteria for food and snacks. We have a small refrigerator in our room with access to a microwave down the hall. :)
• Ideas to pass the time: we brought one board game and have already watched what feels like a million hours of TV (if you know us we hardly watch TV) so feel free to bring any ideas/activities to help us pass the time.

Okay...that that was a long blog but I think the most telling of where we are with the current situation. I will try my best to keep everyone updated with daily blogs...really just depends on what is happening. We can't thank you enough for joining in this journey with us.

Stay tuned...more to come (hopefully)....