Saying YES.
Who doesn't like to be told YES?
Yes, eat that ice cream! Yes, buy that shirt. Yes, go out with your friends sans kids.
It feels good to be told yes. It gives me a sense of worth, like I am noticed; like what I ask or do is important. It makes me feel heard. It makes me feel like the ideas I have are valid and valuable.
The opposite of the heart-warmth of a "yes" is a no. Being told no makes me feel shut down, like I don't matter; sometimes it even makes me feel like I am just not good enough for a yes.
Examining this, we are trying to adopt a new "say yes" parenting style, asking ourselves, "why not here? why not now?" "What could we miss out on if we say no?" "What would the effects, both positive and negative be, if we said yes?" "Do those benefits outweigh the negative?"
It has been a hard transition for us, realizing that as parents we say "no" more often than "yes." It means setting aside our agenda or timetable and control to see the world from smaller, more curious and sometimes more aware eyes. It is embracing the interruption, teaching a skill, enjoying a completely unplanned moment. It is building trust and confidence. It is teaching independent thinking.
For example, leaving a friends house today our 3-year old daughter reached down for one of our "car" books (special books we only leave in the car). She looked at me as she was buckling herself in and asked if I could read her the story. To set the scene: it was HOT. The car A/C was barely cooling and my tummy was grumbling. I gave her the quick, "no, I will read it at home" line before starting to buckle my own seatbelt. The look on her face was rejection. It was a quick look, one that most would probably miss if you didn't really know my daughter. So I asked myself, "why not here? why not now?" To be honest, it would take less than 5 minutes to read "Polar Bear, Polar bear what do you see." So, I did. I momentarily set aside the busyness of my mind, sat in between the two front seats facing the back and happily read her the book. She was excited, expressive and enthralled as each page turned. It really did take less than 5 minutes before we were on our way.
A "yes" is powerful. It builds up a relationship. It provides another shared experience to discuss. I find the more "yeses" I say, the more my daughter is coming to me and sharing her fears, hurts and joys.
This is not to say that we never say no. Come on, there are plenty of times and situations when a yes in completely inappropriate...."yes, go ahead and hit your brother over the head." ... Just joking. :) It is setting up boundaries and rules, teaching and striving towards the bigger picture rather than trying to manage every little moment.
For a person who loves control, order, planned activity, things to be in there place, saying YES has been a spiritual discipline. Does it REALLY matter if my son wants to bring all of his toys from his room to the living room? No. Does it REALLY matter is my daughter wants to eat dinner on the grass in the front yard rather than in the stuffy, hot house? No. Saying yes to the little things shows me how much God has said yes to me. Over the years, God certainly has said "yes" to me more times that He as said no. He may have said, "not right now" or "maybe after you (blank)" but even in that, I have still felt His love and companionship. Saying YES has been showing me just how creative my children are and how much God has created their little minds to think.
So, learn to say yes! Learn to see things from the vantage point of the one asking. And remember, "Why not here? Why not now?"
Be encouraged fellow sojourners, greater things await!
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